Original subtitles

- Phoebe, what do you think of my painting of Max?

- Clearly you've never seen Max in a toga.

- I have up here.

- Late again?

- Yeah, I have this thing where I don't care.

- Oh, Max, I meant to ask you.

Which one of your masterpieces

would you like to donate

to tomorrow's school art auction?

- Gosh, Mrs. Matson, I don't know.

There's so many to choose from. - Hmm.

- [mocking] So many to choose from.

- Maybe I'll make a new one.

- Well, whatever it is, Max, I'm sure it will bring in

a lot of money for the school.

Phoebe, when are you going to start your project?

- Um, actually, I just finished it.

I call it... "Horse."

-Looks like it was made by a horse.

- Max, funny and talented.

And Phoebe... always on time.

- I don't get it.

Why is art so easy for you and so hard for me?

We're twins.

- Let's ask your horse monster.

Throw me in the garbage, Max!

Neighhhh!

- Max!

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Matson, I didn't see it there.

- MRS. MATSON: It's beautiful.

- What? - What?

- Even when you fall, you create magic.

Take it in, class.

- I can do that, too, you know.

Hmm... - [splash]

- I call this one

"How much do I owe you for those shoes?"

- ♪

- WOMAN: ♪ What you see is not what you get ♪

♪ Living our lives with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in, bet you never guessed ♪

♪ Living our lives just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture-perfect family is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer, you might see the crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't make-believe, it's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family trying to be normal ♪

♪ And stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Living a double life ♪

- What?

Another one?

- I told you the costume shop was having a sale.

- Not your costume, Colosso.

I just lost another follower on Evilgram.

Why do you think I'm losing so many?

- 'Cause moving here made you soft.

You used to post pics of yourself

firing rockets at satellites.

Now you're just waiting for me to sit on a whoopee cushion.

- [farting sound]

- [laughs] That's funny-- I gotta post that.

- No, you don't.

Hi-yaaaah!

Waaaaaa...

I just saved you from losing more followers!

- You're right.

I gotta get my edge back.

Let's get a picture of me taking out a satellite.

- COLOSSO: Attaboy.

- [laughs]

- Now what are we going to do next time?

- Take the selfie before I light the fuse.

- Yes, grasshopper.

- Oh... you found the art supplies.

- Yeah, weird, they were in the back of the garage

under the power tools in this box labeled "Keep Out."

- Uhh... - Really?

- Weird! - Anyway...

now with a little hard work, my art can earn

more money at the auction than Max's.

- That's the spirit, Phoebe!

Keep reaching for the stars!

Just don't paint them. - [laughs]

- Hey, hey, you two--let's...

- I'm sorry.

It's just she keep ruining the refrigerator for me.

- Nothing can ruin the refrigerator for you, Dad.

- Listen, we're gonna support Phoebe, all right?

That's why I signed your dad up to be the auctioneer

at the art fundraiser.

- Why, because I'm loud, boisterous, and in your face?

- Mm-hmm. - [shouting] Sold to my wife

who knows me so well!

- [shouting] Why are we yelling?

- That's how auctioneers get people to pay for art.

- You have to get people to pay for Phoebe's art?

- [shouting] You're gonna need a lot more than yelling!

- I see you found the 10-foot-pole

girls won't go near you with.

Whoa!

- No, I'm going to vault myself into the Hiddenville Zoo

and then recruit a gorilla army.

I'll have my Evilgram followers back by midnight.

- [crash]

- Ooh...

Mom's gonna be mad at you for that!

- And you're gonna be mad at me for doing this.

- [crash] - MAX: Ow!

- Come on, Phoebe, you can make something better than Max

for the art auction!

Art powers, activate!

- [classical music]

- I've done it!

I knew if I just put my heart into it, I could create...

Mt. Suckamanjaro.

No one's gonna pay money for this.

They'll be too busy throwing up.

- [panting]

I feel like your art project looks.

- Uh, rough night at the zoo?

- Turns out gorillas really like playing

Max in the Middle.

Not giving up yet, Colosso.

I will post something devious to prove that I am not going soft.

- Will that be before or after

your lilac-scented bubble bath?

- Oh, I'm sorry, did the gorillas

use you as a soccer ball or me?

- Max, you've gotta tell me how do you get your art ideas?

Do you think about them?

DO you not think about them?

Do you take bubble baths in front of Colosso?

- Phoebe, my artistic brilliance

is not something that can be taught.

My art projects come from a place deep within my soul.

- [zooming sound]

- Here's your latest art project, Max.

- I think Billy has keys to your soul.

I can't believe you've been using him to fetch art for you

from around the world.

- Actually, I get them from a dumpster

behind the art school across town.

- You're not an artist at all--you're a trash man.

- Hey, Billy's a trash man.

I'm the guy that's gonna make more money than you

at the art auction.

- How lazy, how despicable...

how quickly can you get me something better than Max's?

- Don't do it, Billy.

- [sighs] Sorry, Phoebe, I work for Max.

- Here's 20 bucks. - Sorry, Max, I work for Phoebe.

- [zooming sound]

- Wow, Max, that's a beautiful painting.

It really shows your sweet, sensitive side.

- That's a problem--I'll fix it.

- [scoffs] So you like girls with goatees.

♪ Noted ♪

- Oh, Phoebe, take Max's vase

over to the masterpiece corner.

- Um, actually, Ms. Matson, I made this.

- Really? It's stunning.

Well, I take back everything I was saying about you

in the teacher's lounge. - Ha!

- You might be giving Max a run for his money.

- Well, I gave somebody money to run.

- [in country accent] Going once, twice,

sold to Principal Bradford!

That's my cowboy auctioneer voice.

[in British accent] I can also do a fancy-pants auctioneer

if it pleases the principal.

- It doesn't.

I'll be over there...

talking to the single moms.

Joyce, is that a new sweater?

Whaaat?

- Something wrong, Max?

- I'm just losing followers on Evilgram.

- Aww, well, you've got lots of friends.

Sarah likes you.

What's that on her face?

- Whole lot of crazy.

- Thanks for the vase, Billy.

Sorry, Max, guess there's a new fake artist in the family.

- It's dumpster art-- don't be too proud.

- Actually, Phoebe's is from the museum.

Which reminds me, I gotta return it before they close.

- That's a funny joke, Billy.

Please tell me that's a joke, Billy.

- You said you wanted something better than Max,

so I went to the Hiddenville Art Museum.

- BOTH: What?!

- Billy, you stole it from the museum?

- Relax, Phoebe, it's not worth much.

The sign said it's priceless.

- [smirking] What's priceless

is the look on Phoebe's face right now.

- Billy, "priceless" means it's really expensive.

- Where do these words come from?

- We could go to jail for stealing.

We've gotta get it back before the auction starts.

- [gavel raps]

- Let's get this auction started.

- Yee-hoo!

- We can't let anybody buy that vase.

How are we gonna fix this? - We?

This is a you problem,

as in you an art thief, girl.

- All right, Billy, it's up to us.

As soon as I get that vase, you take it

and return it to the museum.

- Good evening, parents, students...

Joyce.

I'd like to introduce the only parent

who would agree to be the auctioneer,

Hank Thunderman. - [cheering]

- Ha, that's my wife. [chuckles]

- I'm as surprised as everyone else.

- All right, let's get the evening started with...

- Not the vase, not the vase!

- ...this beautiful vase,

which is made by... Phoebe Thunderman?

Is there another Phoebe Thunderman at this school?

- Max, did you help her with that?

- Nope, she stole it from a museum.

- Oh, silly, don't be so jealous.

- Okay, let's get the bidding started at $25.

Do I hear $25--$25.

Thank you, ma'am. - This is good.

When Mom buys the vase, we can trick her into giving it to me.

- Fifty dollars. - What?

- Seventy dollars.

My daughter made that vase, so you understand.

- I totally get it.

Eighty dollars.

- Oh, it's gonna be like that.

One hundred dollars.

- Okay, could I get $120

from someone I do not share a bank account with.

One-twenty... anyone?

- Yes, over here.

I can't raise my hand.

- Flapping counts.

- Does it, Hank?

Does it?

- Well, I mean, according to the auctioneer's handbook--

- Hank! - Sold to my wife

who is clearly the boss of me.

- [applause]

- Mom, you won my vase.

Here, let me get it wrapped for you.

Take this to the museum-- I'll handle Mom.

- Okay.

- [vase shatters]

- Oh, no, my masterpiece.

- Phoebe, what happened?

I don't know--it just slipped,

but I will make you another one, I promise.

In fact, I'll go do that right now.

- Aww, that's too bad.

Yeah... make sure she pays.

- What's going on?

Why are you smiling?

- Just taking care of problems.

- I was too late-- the museum's closed.

- Why are you still smiling?

- 'Cause my face freezes when I freak out.

- It's okay, Phoebe.

I hear we get pudding in jail.

- No one's going to jail.

We are still gonna return the vase.

We just have to sneak in after hours without permission.

- You mean break in?

- Don't put Max words in my mouth.

You make it sound so... - Evil?

Because it is.

In fact, a break-in selfie is just what I need

to get my followers back on Evilgram.

- Ugh, I'm so gonna regret this, but I could use your help.

Nora, Mom and Dad can't find out that we're...

- ...breaking into a museum.

- Yeah, sure, what he said.

Just keep the auction going until we get back.

- ...from breaking into a museum.

- Stop it!

- [suspense music]

- [whistling]

- Okay, we're in.

We just gotta make this quick.

I don't want to know what jail pudding tastes like.

- Phoebe, relax--I disabled the security cameras.

- And I found a free King Tut lollipop.

Mmm... history.

- Art thief action selfie.

- GUARD: [whistling] - Oh, no.

- Somebody's coming and we're gonna get caught

and I can't stop smiling again because I'm freaking out.

What are we gonna do? - Phoebe!

Stop smiling and hide!

- [whistling]

- [sighs] This pitcher's getting heavy.

- Technically the Egyptians called that a ewer.

- Technically it's gonna make the same noise

when it hits the floor.

- Hang in there, guys, he'll be gone soon.

- Time for my nightly break.

My nightly dance break.

[beatboxing]

- I don't know who looks more ridiculous...

us or him.

I'm gonna go with him. - Yeah, definitely him.

- Okay, folks, we are down to our last item.

- Last item... oh, no.

- Oh, that must be Max's painting.

Where is he, anyway?

- With Phoebe. - Where's Phoebe?

- With Billy. - Where's Billy?

- With Max. - Where's--

- Shh... the auction's starting.

- Who wants to start the bidding

on my son's one-of-a-kind...

bearded girl?

Um, who would like to start the bidding at $25.

- Twenty-five!

- I've got $25 from the girl I keep telling

to stay out of my yard.

Do I have $30... anyone?

Anybody?

- You gonna bid on Max's painting, Mom?

That? Looks like it came from a dumpster.

- I get it--you love Phoebe the most.

- That's not true.

- If only there was a way for you to prove it.

- HANK: Twenty-five going once, going twice...

- [shouting] Twenty-six dollars.

I love my son!

- Twenty-seven... I love your son more.

- Twenty-eight dollars. - Twenty-nine.

- Thirty!

- [clang]

- [techno music from headphones]

- This is not the kind of evil I was hoping for.

- I know, all this gold

is giving me a kink in my neck.

- That's what you're thinking about?

- Well, that and I shouldn't care so much

about competing with you.

- Phoebe, it's not a competition.

We're on a team-- I'm the captain,

you're the weird bus driver that takes us to away games.

- I am not Bus Driver Sally.

- BILLY: Uh-oh, bad news, guys!

- Oh, do you have to go to the bathroom?

- Well, I do now.

I was talking about the guard.

He knows the vase is missing.

- Joe... Joe, you gotta get down here.

The bird vase is missing.

[laughs] No, I wasn't dancing!

- Billy, his back is turned--go now.

- You want me to go to the bathroom in the ewer.

Okay... - PHOEBE: No!

Go put the bird vase back!

- Oh, right.

- Good job, Billy.

Max?

Yeah, I snuck in here,

but don't tell your mummy.

- This isn't happening!

Get back here, Max!

- Wait...

something's not right here, either.

- All right, what's going on, Happy Feet?

- I was patrolling, not dancing,

when I noticed the bird vase was gone.

- What are you talking about--it's right there.

- [clank echoes from far away]

- You want to explain that?

- I am not a good guard, am I?

- Escape selfie.

- One-hundred and forty. - Hundred and forty-one.

- One-hundred and forty-two. - One-hundred forty-three.

- One-hundred forty-four. - Two hundred dollars.

[gasps] I don't have that much money.

- [gasps] Then I guess ya lose.

- This doesn't have to end, Sarah.

You can borrow money from your parents,

skip college, get a small business loan.

- Or...

I win, suckas!

[laughs maniacally]

- Never bet on crazy.

- Well, that's it, folks.

As they say in the auction game,

I bid you farewell.

- Go home, Hank.

In fact, let's all get out of here.

Joyce, you with me?

Where's Joyce?

I hate this school.

- So you're probably still wondering

where Max, Phoebe, and Billy are.

Don't get mad, but they're--

- They're right here.

- And Phoebe didn't make you a new vase.

Maybe you're right to love Max more.

- [scoffs] Guys, I want to talk to you

about something Nora said.

- Nora's a liar!

- [sighs]

- She's just confused.

I don't love Phoebe more than you.

I love you both equally.

- [whispers loudly] I don't think she knows.

- BARB: Knows what?

- That we love you... more than Dad?

- Awww... you know, I always suspected it,

but it's just nice to hear.

Shh.

- [phone jingles] - Haha!

Thanks to my museum break-in, my followers are coming back.

- It wasn't a break-in.

I left admission fees on one of the displays.

- You mean the money I took to pay for this ice cream?

- Well, it's fine, 'cause I took the money from you.

I do have one question, though.

Do you have Billy steal your artwork 'cause you're lazy

or 'cause you're just horrible at art like me.

- It's 'cause I'm lazy.

I'm actually really good at art.

Here, check this out.

- Wow, that's amazing.

- Yeah, something I threw together this morning.

- Wait a minute, wasn't that in the museum?

- Yes, I'm back!

- ♪

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