Original subtitles

- Oh, this dress?

Thank you, Dylan, I actually got it last weekend,

and thanks for the compliment, but I'm not that pretty.

- Okay, now that Locker Dylan's into you,

try talking to the actual Dylan.

- I can't--he's too cute.

Besides, I got a good thing going with Locker Dylan now,

and I don't want to mess that up.

- Stop it--you've been crushing on him for two weeks.

Just go talk to him! - About what?

I don't even know if we have anything in common.

- It's too bad you can't just go through his backpack

and see what he's into.

- Or can I?

- Delivery for Max Thunder--[screams]

- I'll sign for that.

Max Thunder--[screams]maaaan!

Thanks, buddy.

Oh.

- Wait--you're getting your deliveries at school now?

- Yeah, Dad took away my mail privileges.

You banish one mailman into a black hole...

but he had it coming.

- There's my backpack.

- Here, let me help you out with that, Actual Dylan...

uh, Dylan. - Thanks.

Phoebe, right? - Yeah.

Uh, here, you forgot your... diaper?

- Don't worry, it's clean... and not mine.

- Wow... nice, funny, and potty-trained.

Triple threat!

- It's my baby brother's.

I have to pick him up from daycare after school.

- You have a little brother?

I have a little brother and sister!

Look at us... having things in common.

- Do you take him to the park every day after school, too?

- Psh, no... yes!

Do you go to the park near...

- The Community Center. - That's the one.

- Maybe I'll, uh, see you at the park today.

- It's a date... a play date.

For the kids.

- [gasps]

- BOTH: [squealing]

- Oh, my gosh, you did it--that was awesome!

I didn't know you took Billy and Nora to the park every day.

- I do now. - BOTH: [squealing]

- ♪

- WOMAN: ♪ What you see is not what you get ♪

♪ Living our lives with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in, bet you never guessed ♪

♪ Living our lives just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture-perfect family is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer, you might see the crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't make-believe, it's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family trying to be normal ♪

♪ And stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Living a double life ♪

- [zooming sounds]

- [lasers blasting]

- Laser tag rules!

- No fair... you've got burning-hot lasers

and I have a frozen corn dog.

- Life's not fair, turbo toes.

- [lasers blasting]

- MAX: Whoa! - [thud]

- Oh, watch the lasers, guys!

- Life's not fair, turbo toes.

Oh, wait... I'm turbo toes!

- Gotta get this inside before Dad sees it.

- Where'd you get that safe?

- Bought it off EvilBay, belonged to Dark Mayhem,

but no one can open it.

- If nobody can open it, then why'd you buy it?

- 'Cause I know a kid with laser eyes

and another who can hammer with super speed.

- You know somebody else with super speed?

Oh, wait... me again.

- Now let's go see what evil treasures are inside

that Dad doesn't know he paid for.

- Surprise corn dog attack!

- [laser blasts] - Ouch!

- [clears throat] Have you two been playing laser tag?

- BOTH: Noooo...

- Then why does the fence have more holes

than my lucky underpants?

- Uhh... it was Baby Lulu.

- Hey, don't blame my doll! - [laser blasts]

- HANK: Nora!

- Uhh... it was Baby Lulu.

- In our defense, we were only using

the powers we were born with,

so technically, this is your fault.

-I would never melt the face off your mother's garden gnome.

- Did that with one eye closed.

- Ooh, nice, Nora!

Bad Nora!

- Yeah, thanks to you two, your father and I

have to drive all over town replacing the stuff you ruined.

- Why drive all over town

when we can get everything at CostClub?

- CostClub, Hank?

Every time you go there, you buy something we don't need.

- When have I ever bought something we did not need?

But Barb, it's a lawnmower

and a barbecue.

A mow-becue.

We need this.

- [sighs]

How'd that work out for you, Hank?

- Kids, we're going out for dinner!

Hi, my lawn's on fire.

- [spritzing water]

- Well, you're the one who wouldn't let me get

the fire extinguisher-becue.

- Fine, we'll go to CostClub.

- All right! - CostClub!

- No, no, you two aren't going anywhere.

You're grounded because of your little laser party.

- What? No, no, no, you can't ground them!

I have to take them to the park--my life depends on it.

- That's what you said when the Wi-Fi went out last week,

and look... still breathing.

- Sorry, Phoebe--Billy and Nora are not allowed

to leave this house. - But we want to go to the park!

- Park!

- I thought you wanted to go to CostClub.

- CostClub!

- No, you are not going anywhere.

- Great, now we're stuck here cracking open Max's safe.

- Safety books...

is what we'll be cracking open,

because that's what big brother Max is all about.

[laughs] Safety!

- You know he's up to something, right?

- Doesn't matter--he can't hurt us at CostClub.

- Max, just let me take the kids to the park for half an hour.

- And go against Mother and Father's wishes?

Phoebe, that would be wrong.

Come on, guys, let's go do something wrong.

- Wrong!

- You're not getting your way this time, Max.

- MAX: Sorry, can't hear you.

I'm too busy getting my way.

- [loud chomp] - Ow, you bit me!

- Sorry, not sorry.

- All right, since this is a supervillain's safe,

Nora, you're gonna use your laser eyes

to melt the titanium door. - Whoa!

- Yeah, whoa!

And then Billy, you're gonna use your super speed

to pound it with these hammers.

- Whoa!

- Guess what, sis-- we're going to the park.

Now we just need Billy.

- Whoa!

Brrrr... - You're not Billy.

- Yeah, well, you're not Jennifer Lopez,

so we both lose.

Whoaaa!!

[groans]

- Whoa!

What's going on? - There's no time to explain.

We're going to the park.

Huh, guess there was time to explain.

- Well, guess I'll just sit here and wait for Max to realize

he was duped. - MAX: Hey, I've been duped!

- [laughs]

- NORA: Monkey bars! - Swirly slide!

- Whoa, get back here, you two.

A park is no place to play around.

Now keep your eyes open for a hot guy.

- There's one.

- I meant "hot" as in cute, not as in sweaty mess.

- Hey, Phoebe! - Hey, is that the hot guy

you were talking about? - Oh, Nora, have some candy.

Hey, Dylan, so this must be your brother.

- Yeah, yeah, his name's Rusty,

or as I like to call him, Russ Man.

No, I don't--I just made that up--I'm sorry.

- [laughs] Oh, I love babies.

Who's the cutest wittle baby?

- [crying]

- Oops, I haven't taught him how to act

around pretty girls yet.

- Oh, my gosh, you just called me pretty!

Oh, my gosh, I just said that out loud!

- Hey, can we go show Rusty the balloons?

- Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

- Well, actually, it'll give us a chance to hang out.

- Great idea, Billy-- [loud whisper] take your time!

- Aww, look how cute they are

with those matching strollers.

Who knew we had so much in common!

This park, siblings...

other things I haven't thought of yet.

- [laughs]

I'm glad we're getting to spend time together.

- Me, too, this is so perfect.

- MAX: Phoebe! - Until he showed up.

- [panting]

Whew! Found you...

Man, how many parks are in this city?

Right. - Worst timing ever, Max.

- Hey, you stole Billy and Nora from me.

- I needed them-- I had to make sure

Dylan and I had something in common,

but now it turns out Dylan likes me, too.

What? I know, right? Dylan's great!

So you can have them back!

- Hey, don't try to trick me with your girl talk, all right?

They're mine.

- Hey, sorry about that, Dylan.

My brother just came to pick up my siblings.

Gonna miss those little bundles of love.

- Oh, do you want to go with them?

- With who?

- Billy, Nora, let's go. - Not yet.

Billy's using the balloons to teach our babies their colors.

- This one's blueberry, that one's banana...

- Fruits aren't colors!

Let's go open my safe.

- I'm not leaving.

[in singsong voice] And you can't catch me.

- I don't need to catch you!

I caught Baby Lulu.

- It's really cool how your family gets along so well.

- Yeah, we're super-tight.

- Pick up the pace, you whiners!

- Give me back my doll, you monster!

- You're the worst babysitter in the world!

- So... remember when you called me pretty?

- [timer beeping] - Oh.

Time to feed my brother. - Aww...

[in baby voice] Is it Rusty-wusty's feeding time?

Who's a hungry wittle...

doll?!

- We were having so much fun at the park,

and you sucked it all away.

- Yeah, you're a fun sponge, Max.

- Did you or did you not agree to open my safe?

- We didn't. - Well, you're doing it anyway.

And I don't want to hear another peep out of either one of you.

- [baby squalls] - That was a peep--who peeped?

- It was Nora's doll.

- Baby Lulu doesn't cry.

She's a lady-- she only wets herself.

- [baby crying]

- Cool! Baby Lulu came to life!

- [baby crying]

- Guys... this is a real baby!

- It's Dylan's baby brother Rusty.

You took the wrong stroller, fun sponge!

- Turns out he's a baby sponge, too.

- [cell phone rings] - It's Phoebe.

- I wonder what she wants.

- Hey, Phoebs... what's the haps?

- Oh, you know, just calling to say hi, see how you're doing,

[whispers loudly] and you took a baby!

- Hey, you took Billy and Nora to the park

when they were grounded--you're in a lot of trouble, too.

- Says the guy who took a baby!

- All right, all right, we'll take the baby back

and switch them right after we open the safe.

- [whisper-screams] Baby!

- Yeah, Phoebe, but what if there's a baby in the safe?

Huh? Huh?

Okay, baby wins-- we're on our way.

Okay, Rusty...

- [laughs nervously]

- All right, let's get this baby out of here

before Mom and Dad get home. - [alarm sounds]

- FEMALE VOICE: Alert, alert, parents approaching.

- Too late! - Great, now we're gonna be

double grounded... or arrested!

- You guys stay here.

I'll take him to the back.

- BARBARA: Oh, perfect timing.

I--whoa!

- Coming through the back.

- HANK: Who wants popcorn?

- Not before dinner.

- We're surrounded-- what do we do?

- Relax, I have a plan.

- That was your plan?

- I didn't say it was a good one.

- Let's just go turn ourselves in

and take our chances with the cops.

- Thanks for all your help, kids.

Your father went overboard at CostClub.

Again!

- What?

I only got the bare essentials.

- [truck reverse beeping]

- Leave the crate of owls there,

but make sure you put the mayonnaise barrels

in the shade.

- [baby crying]

- Is that a baby crying?

- No, that's, uh, me.

I'm just so mmm-emotional with puberty and all.

- Ohh, honey, Max, it's okay to cry.

Let it out. - [farting sound]

- Okay, that's not quite what I meant.

- Sorry... my body's just so confused.

- [baby crying]

- Okay, that definitely sounds like a baby.

- Now you're calling me a baby?

- Aww... poor kid needs a tissue.

Well, I hope we bought enough.

- [sighs] There you go, Rusty.

Mmm, that's some good bottle.

[speaking quietly] Where are you, Max.

- Oh, the bottle's still full?

Here, let me try.

- Oh, look--a guy in camouflage!

- What--that's weird.

- I don't see him. - 'Cause he's in camouflage.

Uh, look who's done with his bottle.

- Wow, he drank that fast.

Okay, I'm probably gonna have to burp him.

- No, no, I'll do it...

right after we play Kick the Stroller.

Now you go kick it back.

Hurry--you're losing!

- [mouthing words]

- [baby crying]

- Can't sneak him out until he stops crying.

Why won't he stop crying?

- Bring him here, Max.

I got this.

Boo!

- [baby cries more loudly]

- That's probably why I don't have kids.

- [baby crying]

- What's that smell-- is that poop?

- I believe the scientific term is "doo-doo."

- Nora, give me one of my T-shirts.

- Uck!

- [groaning]

Oh, dirty diaper, dirty diaper!

- [water sprinkling] - Baby pee, baby pee!

- All I wanted to do was open up Dark Mayhem's safe

full of evil treasures.

- You opened up something evil.

- MAX: That should do it.

Nora... - On it!

- [laser blasts]

- All right, you guys stay down here and watch Rusty.

I'm gonna go get rid of Mom and Dad.

- Are you kidding?

Who knows what's gonna come out of that kid next?

- What? Come on, look at him.

He's a happy baby. Yeah, Rusty?

Isn't that right, Rusty? Yeah... yes, it is.

Yes, you are... yes, you are.

- [water splashes]

- Eww! He puked!

- I believe the scientific term for that is "baby barf."

- Yeah, I know what it is, Billy.

- [laughing wildly]

Oh, that's the stuff.

- Hank, you bought too much stuff.

It's not all gonna fit.

- That's because you're packing it all wrong.

Egg rolls go on the bottom.

Were you raised in a barn?

- You know that I was.

Why do you keep bringing it up?

- Sorry... here, just let me do it, all right?

- Now watch--you're stacking these wrong.

Okay, here we go-- get these down,

and you need to create a foundation.

There you go, a foundation.

Next, [indistinct]-- get that in there.

Get all the air out.

Finally, here this... - No.

- Yes, watch--watch!

Gotta believe--gotta want it!

All right.

There... it all fits.

- Hmm... that never happened in the barn.

- Max!

- Uh, yeah, what's up?

- We're heading back to CostClub to return a few things.

- [clears throat] - A lot of things.

Mistakes were made in bulk.

- Keep watching Billy and Nora--they're still grounded.

- Yep, you got it. - Here, take these pretzels

down to the kids. - [grunts]

- Okay, so Kick the Stroller was kind of fun,

but I'm sick of Run, Baby, Run,

and I have to put Rusty down for his nap.

- Um, why don't you two take a nap together?

Nothing bonds a family like unconscious time.

- I would like my brother now.

- Wait, uh...

let me sing him a lullaby.

♪ Lullaby and good-night ♪ - Phoebe.

- ♪ Don't talk, Rusty's sleeping ♪

- Phoebe!

- Okay, I have a confession.

It's actually kind of funny-- you are gonna laugh!

- Okay.

- See, I just wanted to show you

that we had stuff in common,

but it got a little out of control, and--

here's the funny part.

I kinda...

cheated at Kick the Stroller.

Yeah, technically I double-kicked,

which is a huge no-no in stroller kicking.

[fake laughing]

You're not laughing.

- Give me my brother back!

Get them off me!

- Uh, don't struggle, Dylan--it only makes the balloons angrier!

- Get them off--get them off!

[screams]

- Touchdown!

- Give me that!

- Bye, Rusty--it's been smelly.

- [baby coos]

- What was that?

- Balloon attack.

No one ever thinks it can happen to them.

So anyway, here's Rusty.

- Thanks.

Well, I should probably get him home.

He's had a long day.

- So, uh, should we do this again tomorrow?

- Tomorrow's bad for me.

Um, I have soccer practice,

and you have... serious issues.

- Oh, yeah, well, your brother has been gone

for the past three hours,

and I've been holding a doll.

- Oh, no, he's coming back--run!

- Come on, Max--how much longer?

- Yeah, we're hungry!

- I told you, you each get 40 pounds of pretzels

when you crack the safe.

- Out of the way, out of the way!

Finally, Dark Mayhem's evil treasures are mine!

Will it be a Doomsday device?

Plans to take over the world?

Whatever it is, it's gonna be dark.

[screams]

[in squeaky voice] Oh, yeah, that's dark.

Really dark.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- [laughing]

- ♪

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