All language subtitles for The Thick Of It s03e04.eng

No, we've got them
all coming over today.

Yeah, the dishy opposition.

Do you know, Robyn,

she calls Peter Mannion Peter Man-Yum.

Nowadays, I think twat and prat
are pretty interchangeable, really.

Anyway, semantics aside, she shouldn't
be saying anything like that to you

and I take your point, Mum,
and I will have a word.

The opposition have to let us
senior civil servants,

I mean, people like me, know exactly
what they're hoping to achieve,

so that when they're handed
the reins of power...

Um... Well, I think
they are going to be.

I mean, this lot
are looking quite toasted.

Right, Ella has thrown a massive
hissy fit again at my Mum.

Like you care. I need you to do
a bit of proper parenting for once.

Um, can you give me a call?

If you don't,
I will have you thrown in Belmarsh.

I've just been trying to find out
where Olly is

'cause as usual, he's not in yet.

Okay, meeting room.
Olly, good afternoon.

- GLENN: Good afternoon, Olly.
- I haven't missed it, have I?

Olly, have you seen my strategy file?

No, I don't know, Terri.

What's happened to Terri?
She looks like a female impersonator.

Yeah, I know. I thought you
only got made over like that

at a gay undertakers.

Phil, look, I'm trying to prep
for implementation day here

and you're just cutting out more weird
japanese cartoons, or whatever it is.

It's for the matrix.

When we infiltrate DoSAC,
I want to prioritise targets, okay?

Hey, look. That's Terri Coverley,
DoSAC Head of Press Civil Service.

And who exactly is that?

Well, it's Uhura, but you know,

she's head of comms on the Enterprise,
so it kind of makes sense.

Oh! Hey, do you know what, I wonder
if we'll get to sneak up on Olly

and catch him not working?

Better still, I'd like to see him
getting bollocked by Malcolm.

(EMMA LAUGHS)

"I'm going to rip out your bladder
and wear it as a bandana."

EMMA: Okay, um...
PHIL: I need to know

what Glenn Cullen looks like?

Oh, Glenn Cullen, uh...
50s, kind of depressed looking.

I always think of him like a bloodhound.

Okay, I'll get a picture
of Mick Hucknall.

Morning, comrades!
How goes the revolution?

PHIL: Morning.
EMMA: Morning, Peter.

Our tanks on their lawn at last,
fuck-a-doodle-doo.

Talking of which, may I present

- the DoSAC implementation matrix.
- EMMA: Don't ask.

Look, this is a very straightforward
set of meetings

with the senior civil servants.

"Where's the stopcock?"

"Where can I get
a decent cup of coffee?"

"Here's our legislative agenda
for the next three years."

Yeah, I know. But Stewart's
very keen for us to use

a visit DoSAC as a scouting exercise.

Well, I'm very keen to use
Stewart's mouth as an ashtray

but that doesn't mean I do it.

Social mobility,
what does that actually mean?

Well, it's just a...
It's just a personal observation,

but every time I hear the words
"social mobility",

I keep thinking about
one of those shopping trolleys

that go down the pavement,
the electric things that...

NICOLA: What does it mean
to normal people?

It means, really, uh...

(MOBILE RINGING)

...lifting people out of a world
of disadvantage

and into a world of opportunity.

Sorry, just one sec, I've just
got to switch that to voicemail.

Okay, fourth sector. Mean anything?

Nothing. Great!
Because we're about to create it.

- (MOBILE RINGING)
- The fourth sector is...

It's basically real people,
ordinary people...

just give me one second.
Hello? Yes, it's Nicola Murray.

What's going on at the school, anyway?

Things are a little bit shitty at home,
the daughter's gone all Raging Bull.

She put on a lot of weight?

No. No, I mean
she's kicking off at school.

Basically, ever since Malcolm
made Nicola put her in the fucking comp,

she's heading for what Mr Neil Diamond
I believe would have called

a "Sweet Columbine" incident.

MALCOLM: Oh, I don't give
two shits of a lamb's tail.

Eileen will just have to postpone
her fucking throat surgery.

I want her steam-cleaned
and on The Daily Politics,

smiling and nodding at Andrew Neil's
sneery, fucking haemorrhoid face

and telling him to lay off
the fucking fish suppers

and the poppers, right. Do it.

Okay, ahoy there, DoSAC.
Where's Dame Ellen MacArseache?

Uh, she's on a call.

All right, okay. Wakey, wakey, wakey.

- Yes, yes.
- Opposition drill, yeah? Come on.

Yes. Tell James he will go
up to the school

and if he doesn't,
then he will find himself...

- Hurry up!
...sleeping in the spare room

of his fucking sister's house.

Lovely. Thank you.

- Yeah, opposition drill, right?
- Yeah.

When the opposition are here,
you tell them nothing

except where the toilets are,
but you lie about that, right?

And Terri, keep your tits in.

(OLLY LAUGHING)

Yeah, you are looking
very air hostess today,

is that all for Mannion?

All I said was that I think
he's a very charming man.

Should we be formally dressed for DoSAC?

It does feel a bit like paying
our respects to some mad, dying aunt.

No, you look fine. It's all pretty
shambolic there at the moment.

Nicola Murray's quite distracted
with that whole daughter thing.

Oh, what's that?

- Really interesting... But private.
- No.

(MOBILE RINGS)

That's Stewart.
I'm just gonna have to show him up.

Great, Mr Blue Sky.

We're not going to practise
fist bumps again, are we?

Phil, if you mention anything
out of turn while I'm gone,

I will send your Mum that picture of you
dressed up as Cher, okay?

One button.

- Cher?
- Celine Dion, karaoke night.

It was totally harmless.

Okay, Olly told Emma
that there's a shitstorm

brewing about the minister's daughter.

She was only the minister's daughter,
but she knew how to take the collection.

She's 12.

Oh... Shit. Strike that last remark,

it's actually a little poem
that gets much worse.

Okay, well let's just
put a photo of her up,

just so we know
what we're steering clear of.

You've got her photograph? No, Phil!

Okay, Nicola Murray's daughter,

actually that's not Nicola Murray's
daughter, that's Tracy Beaker, right,

she was down here

on the intake list
for an independent girls' school

but now she's going here,
local comprehensive.

A playground full of first trimester
pregnancies and Croydon facelifts.

So what are you saying? It's wrong
to send your child to a comprehensive?

Yeah, wrong.
Or at least very, very careless.

So, one of the initiatives that
we've got is a national register

of really extraordinary ordinary people,

who we're going to call
the fourth sector pathfinders.

What I want to try and bring to mind
is that amazing JFK speech, you know...

(MOBILE RINGS)

- Hey, come on, come on.
- Yeah, yeah.

Ask not what your country can do,
but what you...

What your country can do to help you do
to help you help yourself.

(SOFTLY) Nicola, it's Martin Stone,
your daughter's headmaster.

- Yes.
- James can't come in to...

about the meeting
for your daughter's, um, problem...

Yes, okay, thank you.
For fuck's sake, Terri!

Mr Stone, hi.

It's the whole deserving and undeserving
poor argument again, though, isn't it?

- It's the chavs and chav-nots.
- GLENN: Yeah.

Right. Pinky and fucking Perky,

listen, this fourth sector thing, right?
It's fucking mad.

She's mad. She's like Tom Cruise's
favourite fucking brush, right?

But the great thing about it is,
it's free.

So you two, I want you
to rub your dicks together

and get some fucking energy
going in here.

I don't care whether
you inject yourself with stem cells

or put cocaine in your
fucking Fruit Corners,

just get on with something.

Can I have a word?
My husband has bailed on me,

so I'm going to have to get to
Ella's school this afternoon.

Look, Nicola, the taxpayer
is not bankrolling you

to do this sort of thing, you know?

I mean, if I wanted
personal errands done,

I could get fucking the unbaked
gingerbread man there

to pop out and get me
a fucking cattle gun.

See me after school.

Okay, so... What?

Okay, just you, then, so...

Can you work up this
whole fourth sector thing?

I can see you hate the idea so you'll
be able to find the snags, okay?

Stewart.

Ah, Peter, I'm glad we could hook up.

Just wanted to take a couple of turns
with you on the ideas carousel, yeah?

Think of ways we can turn your team
into a little cluster of excellence.

Oh, you mean you wanted
to have a chat...

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's just Phil's
Klingon horoscope.

It's an implementation matrix.

Yeah, well, clearly.
Two axes dissecting the midpoint

to create four diametrically
opposed quadrants.

I like the plasmic nature
of your data modelling. Nice.

A child's photograph.
What is that doing up there?

PHIL: There, happy now?

PETER: Now I'm confused. Who is that?

No one, it's a Cylon Centurion.

Phil, help me out here. Look, what are
these vectors, Posh and Shit?

They refer to schools. You see,
Murray's daughter was down to go here,

some teeny, Sloanie,
independent girls' school,

but she's been moved to here,
which is a comprehensive,

bang in the middle
of a poor catchment area.

First, she opts out
of the state education system,

- which is bad.
- PHIL: Yeah.

Then, presumably under pressure
from the party machine, she says,

"Actually, sod your life chances,
Cylon, darling,

"Mummy's going to send you here
to save her political career."

Badissimo!

So, how are we going to deploy this?

We're not.

The point of departure is this.

"Knowledge is porridge."

Oh, Jesus, Stewart,
that doesn't even fucking rhyme.

Look, let me have a go, all right? Look.

Suppose we're saying that Nicola Murray
should have stuck to her guns

and sent her daughter here: Posh.

You see, Stewart? I can do this stuff.

Well, then we look elitist,
out of touch with ordinary parents.

Or do we say, "No, posh is wrongissimo."

Okay, look, look, look. Hmm? Hmm?
Let's pause, yeah?

Let's switch off the SatNav, pull over,
electric soft top back on,

switch off the engine.

I'm not getting in the back seat
with you, Stewart,

if this where this
sinister mind game is going.

Let's imagineer a narrative.

- Oh, goody.
- So, let's imagineer the narrative

that Peter here may know something
about this but he refuses to tell you.

"It's beneath his dignity", say.

I hate to be a spoil-sport, but can we
briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?

- STEWART: Yeah. Who are you meeting?
- Got a couple of meetings

with two top people, you know,
the big, swinging dicks.

Yeah, okay, well, don't forget
the tiny, static dicks.

Yeah, we're not allowed
to talk to her boyfriend, though.

Very funny. What about Terri Coverley?
Olly says she's utter shit.

Let's make an appointment for Peter here

to take her out for a nice
skinny latte, yeah?

- See if she spills the coffee beans.
- Great.

- Thank you.
- Hello, Mrs Murray,

- thanks for coming in.
- Mr Stone, thank you so much.

Thank you, Christina.

Sorry, is your husband not with you?

- No, I'm sorry.
- Okay, well that's disappointing,

'cause I really was hoping to speak
to both of you about this.

Yeah, I did actually want
to come and see you anyway

- on a separate issue.
- Oh! All right.

I wondered if you'd be
interested in becoming

one of our first
fourth sector pathfinders?

Right. Well, I don't know
what that actually means, but...

(LAUGHING) I do look
fantastic in a safari suit.

Oh, right. I'm sure you do.

- Let's just put that to one side.
- Yes, obviously.

As we know, Ella's, well,
let's say "challenging behaviour"

has reached a critical point.

There was an instant yesterday.

Ella and some accomplices
attacked another Year 7 girl

with a pair of hair straighteners.

Pinned her down,
this girl who has quite curly hair,

and Ella set about ironing it.

Oh, my God.

Right. They're here.

Has anyone seen my implementation file?

Is that it over there?

Yeah, thanks, Glenn.

(SIGHS) Is this you, Glenn?

GLENN: No, it's Olly,
you know what he's like.

(SIGHS) Well, it's puerile.
I've had to call bloody IT.

Olly's put some kind of
awful screensaver on.

How do you disable it?

It's not funny, Glenn.

I know. I'm not laughing.

Have you met Mr Darcy yet, then?

Has he swung in through the window

in a little top hat and smoking jacket?

This feedback is really,
really so encouraging.

Having trouble with the old
fourth sector ring-around, are you?

No, not really. I just ring people up
and say, "Do you think this is shite?"

They say yes, I agree, that's it.
Job done.

What have you actually been doing, then?

I've actually been making
some Peter Mannion face masks.

(LAUGHING) Excellent!

(SEDUCTIVE VOICE) "Oh, Terri, me beauty,
I like the heft of your jib.

"Oh, dear, I'm going all
boogie-woogie downstairs."

(MOBILE RINGING)

(AS MANNION) Hello?

Hi, Olly,
I've got a bit of news for you.

Right. You're pregnant, are you?

No, I'm not fucking pregnant!

So what's your... What is your news?

It's the Nicola Murray daughter thing,

you know the switching
from private to state?

They know about it here.

Thank you, Emma! How? How?

- Phil.
- Right, okay, well, you tell Phil,

I'm going to take his stupid
fucking light saber collection

and shove it slowly through
his eye sockets, right?

How has Ella been behaving at home?

Let's say, over the last week or so.

Well, not fantastically good,
apparently.

Sorry, "apparently"?

Because the fourth sector
pathfinder initiative

is taking up very much all of my time.

I haven't seen Ella.

And your husband's been around?

(CHUCKLES) Meet my husband.
He's never really there.

Let me put my cards on the table.

This incident with the hair
straighteners was so severe, okay,

that I have no option

but to exclude Ella from this school
with immediate effect.

(MOBILE RINGING)

You'll be taking her home with you.

No, well, I can't do that, you see,
I can't have her with me today...

Oh, look, Mrs Murray,
please answer that phone.

I'm so sorry, I will be back.

Olly, what is it?
This had better be important.

Mannion's team know
about the school switch.

(SIGHS)

You shouldn't worry because there's
no way the press will run with this,

it's a personal thing.

Ella's been bullying other kids
and, um,

they're threatening to exclude her.

- What?
- GLENN: What's going on?

OLLY: Hey, at least
they're not going to expel her.

No, it's the same fucking thing!

That's what they say
to make it sound better.

It's still the same old shit.

No. Oh, right. Oh, right.

(CRYING) This is just so awful and...
Oh, Olly, I'm such a crap mom!

I'm such a crap mum!

No, no, you're not...

No, you're really good,
you're a pathfinder mum.

That's what you are.

Yeah, well,

I made my daughter
come to this fucking school

away from all her friends

and she just turned into
a total fucking droog!

Yeah, but... You know...

That's it, is it? Thanks, Olly,
good to know you're there for me.

What is this wheelie bin of misery?

Do I gather Ella is bullying?

You have to keep this to yourself.

It's okay. The press can't use it.

This is something that you and I
just keep between ourselves.

Okay.

- There's no need to tell Terri.
- Okay. Good. Good.

Unbelievable! ?6.50 booking fee

for every single person
I'm taking in my party of 10.

- Sounds serious, Terri.
- Any news from Nicola?

- GLENN: No.
- Nothing.

We're in.

Philip, you're not in
Mission Impossible.

Some guy just made contact.
Uh, looks like an Ewok,

small patch of white hair
on left temple.

Ah, that would be Robert King,
civil servant, used to work with BERR.

Olly says he's a bit of a druid.

Who's that bloke staring at us?

- That... That's actually a woman.
- Oh, Christ.

I'm not losing my touch, I just haven't
got my distance glasses with me.

(CHUCKLING) The old Bangkok exoneration.

Route one excuse for accidentally
having a go on a transsexual.

Christ, Phil,
she's actually a bit creepy.

Looks as if she's gonna
launch herself at us at any second.

Emma, I've got a woman
staring at us from a balcony,

sort of dark hair, like in a bob?

She looks like she's in her own world
and she's got lost there?

Oh, that's Terri.
That'll be Terri Coverley.

That's the shit one, isn't it?
Yeah, she's the shit one.

Oh, right. Well, she might
be worth a chat-up.

Let's see if she's due a binning
when the inevitable occurs.

Everything all right
with the pathpeople?

Pathfinders.
So, exclusion is massive, isn't it?

Well, I'm very sorry,
but the guidelines on this,

guidelines which your government
introduced, remember,

with quite a splash of publicity,

are perfectly clear.
Zero tolerance on bullying. Zero.

It's just the press would have
a field day with this, you know?

"Government minister who bangs on about
protecting the vulnerable

"from the brutalising
effects of injustice.

"Ha ha ha, her daughter's a bully

"and ha ha ha,
she's a completely shit mum..."

Sorry, I don't swear at home, actually.

You're not a bad mother, I'm sure.

Just... maybe not entirely
present all the time.

Yeah.

Are you all right, Mrs Murray?

Hmm, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just resting my face.

Now, hang on, there's a complete
fucking penis in my building

who I need to have a word with.
All right, I'll speak to you later.

Oi, oi! James fucking May!

It was you sprayed the private
information about the school, wasn't it?

Like Jenson Button
shaking up a magnum of piss.

Oh, just listen to yourself!

Okay, at first it was private
information between you and your boss.

Then it was private information
between you and your girlfriend,

then it was private information between
your girlfriend and her colleagues.

- Yeah.
- I mean, I can draw you a diagram

if you like, it's like a fucking
swine flu pandemic.

I've clearly made an error,
which I have to take up with Emma.

- You shouldn't be fucking using it...
- Exactly. This is your fault.

...for political... No, no.
- It's not my fault.

You're like the man who fucked
the monkey that gave us AIDS,

that's who you are.

I'm like the man who did what?

Who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS?

I'll tell you something and you'll say,
"It wasn't me, it wasn't me."

There's monkey shit
on your balls, not mine.

I love it, I love it.
It's the pre-match sparring

for the big super
gayweight title fight, eh?

Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-come.
You've got some work to get on with.

- Yeah, Malcolm...
- What?

The Nicola thing, I think,
is getting a bit worse.

It looks like her daughter's
about to be excluded for bullying.

Yeah, I know. Glenn told me that.

What? When did...

Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do
is if we try and keep this info

very, very closely contained,
we'll be all right, yeah?

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- On you go.

Okay, Shitehead Revisited,

did you know that
Nicola Murray's daughter

is about to be expelled from school
for fucking bullying?

- What are you doing?
- No.

- Don't worry. Did you not know that?
- No. Why would I...

Of course, you wouldn't know
that now because the only people

who know that right now are Mrs Murray,
her daughter, Olly and me, yeah.

If this gets into the press,
I would know that it came from you.

Clever.

(CHUCKLING)

And I would rain down upon you so hard

that you'd have to be reassembled
by fucking air crash investigators.

- No...
- Do not fucking interrupt me, son, ever.

Now, get this into the noggin, right?

You breathe a word of this to anyone,
you mincing fucking cunt,

and I will tear your fucking skin off,

I will wear it to your
mother's birthday party

and I will rub your nuts
up and down her leg

whilst whistling
Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?

- Yeah.
- Now,

get out of my fucking sight!

Yeah.

I've been kind of a target for the press
and, uh, I just...

I don't want Ella suffering
on my account, really.

Look, it's possible,
theoretically possible

I could park the exclusion,
temporarily, maybe.

That would...
That would just be so great.

But we would need to draw up
a pupil behavioural contract.

- You and your husband, together...
- Absolutely.

...and Ella.
- Obviously, yeah.

Thank you so much, thank you, Mr Stone.
Really, I owe you one.

And I'll talk to you
on a separate occasion about the thing.

- Yeah, streetwalkers thing.
- Uh, pathfinders thing.

It was a joke.

(LAUGHING) It was good, wasn't it?
Very good.

PETER: All right, thanks for your help.

- Where are you going?
- Going through a thing with Malcolm

about Nicola's daughter.
She's being excluded from school,

but don't tell anyone or I'm dead, okay?

Everyone knows that,
it's all over the building.

A senior civil servant told me.

Oh, shit! I'm straight to DVD,
I'm the night shift.

Malcolm's gonna kill me.

His bark's worse than his bite.

MALCOLM: Ah, Peter!

Speaking of rabies injections,
here he is.

I didn't know you were still alive.
How's the old '80s tribute band going?

Still doing the Robert Palmer
look-alikey thing, huh?

(CHUCKLING) Malcolm, you're looking
well for someone twice your age.

Any news on the aneurysm?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Funny man, funny, funny man.
See you later.

Why don't you find out
how their data back-up works,

I've got a meeting with leaky Terri.

Oh, that sounded wrong.

I want to talk about the social
networking that the daughter uses.

Is she on Facebook or Bebo,
does she Twitter?

Are any of her victims
on Facebook or Twitter?

Here on the left,
we've got the Guardian.

What's the weather like
over the Guardian?

How do we counter-massage, yeah?

To be completely honest, Stewart,
I'm just curious

as to what the press
is going to make of this. That's all...

Yeah. Yeah, of course you are.
Which is the entire purpose

of the matrix to begin with. Look.

What I want to do is just, kind of,

graphicise and three-dimensionalise
our response.

- Stage one, story leaks, our response.
- Uh-huh.

- We move forward to stage two.
- Mmm-hmm.

What's our re-response
when the press come back to us?

And then, we move
forward again to stage three.

What's our response to their response
to our response?

We've gotta think multi-dimensional.
It's fractal retaliation.

Mmm-hmm. Do you fancy a cup of tea?

- Yeah, you got anything herbal?
- Okay, yeah.

Oh, sorry, do you smoke?

- Oh! Are they low-tar?
- Mmm-hmm.

That's my favourite.

(CHUCKLES) We're a dying breed, eh?

Oh, yes.

We've met before, when you were
a Defra as a junior minister.

Oh, sorry, I don't remember.
Were you at the department?

No, no, no. I was at Sainsbury's.

Press, not on the tills.

And I set up the photo shoot for you
with the sustainable sea bass.

- Uh-huh.
- And I remember you made

some kind of quip about, uh,
something to do with fishnets.

'Cause there was a girl who was
wearing stockings, you see.

Well, that certainly dates it.

You wouldn't be able to make
that kind of comment now.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

More's the pity.

How's Nicola coping? Some trouble with
her daughter, bullying or something?

Her daughter being bullied?
The poor little thing.

I mean, just because
she's put on a bit of weight.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Ah, Stewart, what flavour of nut brown
piss are you going to pour into my ear?

How's the info pump firing?

Oh, you mean Terri Coverley?
She's useless, she knows nothing.

You two would get on.

Well, she may not know the story, Peter,
but just about everybody else does.

So, according to the matrix here,

we're looking at an 83 to 90% chance
of this story making it.

And if it does, well,
someone's gonna use it.

And if someone is,
then that someone should be us, yeah?

No way, we're not gonna do this.

Peter, listen to me, no one
is more shocked than I am

at the chain of events here, okay?

How about you getting back here
so we can have a little debrief?

Fuck that, Stewart!
We are not going to use this story.

I'd love to natter,
unfortunately I think

I've got another call coming through.

Peter? Hello.
Did you want another fag?

Can I see Nicola?

TERRl: Well, that's a bit
of a protocoly thing, so, um...

It's a personal matter, I'll just...

What the fuck is he doing here?

Have you locked the building
so he can't get out?

Could I have a word
about your school situation?

It's no big deal, really.
It's just that old perennial, isn't it?

Should I send my kids
to public school?

I meant about the bullying.

Uh, right. Can you...
Come in. Sit down, Peter.

How do you know about that?

Well, everyone here knows,
and some of our lot know.

Some of your lot know?

There's quite a lot of pressure on me
from above to use it,

but I just wanted you to know
that I won't.

Thank you.

Um, I'd like to think I'd do
the same for you, I think I would.

Well, it's only DoSAC,
sock of shit.

Sorry, it's what we call DoSAC
over there in the enemy camp.

Social Affairs Citizenship, Soc-Af-Cit,
sock of shit, no disrespect.

You've got time on your hands
over on the dark side.

I'll leave you to get on with it.

Thank you for doing
the honourable thing.

What? Have you just googled that?
Is that... What is that?

Olly did that. Nothing to do with me,
I don't want to fellate you.

Well, I know I'm planning
big changes around here,

but nothing along those lines.

Get in my office now, and you, Glenn.

Mannion knows about Ella,
and I want to know how?

- Who did you tell?
- I only told Glenn.

- I only mentioned it to Glenn...
- I only told Malcolm.

You told Malcolm what?

Ella has been excluded for...

- Nearly!
- Nearly excluded

for bullying other children.

- Oh, she's the bully?
- Yes. Yes.

- Oh! Oh, that's nasty.
- Well, that's helpful.

Could you keep your fucking opinions
to yourself, please?

Well, you can't use it, can you?
So who told you?

Coverley, Comms.
Sorry, Nicola, just got to take this.

Olly Reeder.

So what you're saying
is you do know about it...

TERRl: She's looking a bit upset.

Right, right.
But you're not going to use it?

Oh, well, thanks for telling us. Yeah...

Yes, obviously you can't use it,
that's...

Oh, you know about it, do you?

I'm going home.
I'm going to see my daughter,

I'm going to give her a big kiss
and the bollocking of her life.

Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm.
He's says he knows Mannion was here.

Text reads,

"I know about your fucking meeting
with that ageing flamenco guitarist.

"You are NOT..." Big letters.
"...to go home.

"There's been an escalation."

- Shit.
- He says he wants you at Number 10,

ASAFP.

- F meaning...
- "Feasibly", I should imagine.

Stewart, you're still here?
To what do I owe this pain?

It's called politics, Peter.
We're trying to do it from your office.

I've told Nicola Murray
I'm not capitalising on that story.

I'm speechless!

Do you want to get booted out
of the shadow cabinet?

You're wanting to spend more time
hiding from your wife in the greenhouse?

Yes, if it came to it!

If you have to wade through
all this shit to win the election,

then I'm happy to lose it, all right?

Malcolm?

Hi, Nicola,
thanks very much for coming over.

Uh, can I get you something?

Actually, you haven't got
any whisky, have you?

Whisky? Yeah.
Hasn't been touched for a while.

Still got Anthony Eden's
lipstick on the bottle.

Hey, do you remember when you started,

I said I didn't have
much of a folder on you?

You should see it now.

Looks like a fucking butcher's slab,
just as graphic.

Right. So, can we... I need to get home.

You said there'd been an escalation.

The good news is that even though
everybody's got this bullying story,

no one can use it.

Good. But...
I'm sensing there is a "but",

probably the size of a fucking house.

The bad news is that they will run with
"Headteacher bends the rules

"and gives preferential treatment
to cabinet minister."

It's unacceptable.

The Board of Governors have no choice,
he'll have to resign.

No, no, no. No.

Yeah, I'm afraid
it's fuck off, Mr Chips.

No! It should be me who resigns.

You resign now, you'll be up there
with the fucking shaggers

and expenses fiddlers

and the guys who asphyxiate themselves
having a wank in a Travelodge.

And your daughter, your Ella,

she will be publicly and very, very
fucking horribly humiliated.

Now, that is not something
that helps anybody.

It doesn't...
Hey, hey, hey, come on, look.

That is not... Look, it doesn't...

That's not a plan, is it, Stan?

Come on, that's not an agenda, Brenda.
Come on.

And I'm staying here
to do what, exactly?

Because I don't feel like I'm... Sorry.

(SNIFFLES)

I don't feel like
I'm really making things better.

Listen, Nicky, this, it's a war, right?

It's a fucking war.

Now, you can't change a thing
unless you win the war.

And you cannot win the war
unless you are prepared to fight.

That's what this all about for you,
isn't it?

It's just about fighting
and fucking power.

Does it never occur to you that your
poisonous male obsession with conflict,

which is making people despise politics?

And by the way,
don't ever fucking call me Nicky!

Spare me your fucking
psycho-fanny, right?

What do you think fucking
Mannion's doing right now?

Michael Aspel's cooler,
fucking younger brother?

I'll tell you what he's doing.

He's sitting around with his pals.
You know what they're doing?

They're telling very fucking
nasty jokes about your family.

They're playing fucking pin the cock
on the fucking donkey's face

with your face there,
'cause you're the fucking donkey, right?

So you should just fucking
count your blessings!

Ella's not been excluded!

That's what you wanted, right?

- Yes?
- Yeah, I really wanted

...Ella to be able to stay
at a shit school,

the only redeeming feature
of which was the headmaster,

who thanks to me
has now been forced out.

Yeah, well, um...

Maybe...

Maybe in a term or so, you know,

we might understand if you
very quietly decided to move her.

Really?

Yeah.

Good. Good. Okay, so it's Mannion.

What do we do? I mean,
do we go after him with one of your,

you know, things that you say,

like a big bum dildo of vengeance
or something?

There you go, that's my girl, yeah.

Indiana Murray
and the Bum Dildo of Vengeance.

I like it.

Hey, do you want his mobile number?

That was Nicola Murray. She says

from now on, nothing
in my private life is off limits.

Has she got anything she could use?

No, I don't think so.

PHIL: He took a piss against
Big Ben on his stag night.

I don't reckon they'll use that.
And the lovechild,

- that's been and gone, hasn't it?
- Yeah.

We could have had shots of her
scuttling into her house,

scurrying out again to make some
humiliating public statement,

surrounded by members of her family,
all grinning like Alsatians.

Do you remember that, Peter, when
the pregnant mistress story broke, eh?

You and Mrs Mannion
standing on your doorstep,

her never going to touch
little Peter again?

The press talking about
Cheater Mannion.

Everyone reading about
how you like to make love

to Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds. 00:29:05,635
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0