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1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,840
Ed!
Get Tom Rudd in. Now.
2
00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:04,685
Were offering him Northern
Ireland, the lucky sod.
3
00:00:04,685 --> 00:00:06,865
I think he's expecting
to be offered Transport.
4
00:00:07,030 --> 00:00:09,615
Well, tell him he's taking the bus
to George Best airport, right?
5
00:00:09,615 --> 00:00:11,975
He's making Paul Remmington
a cabinet minister.
6
00:00:11,975 --> 00:00:13,145
Rem-tard Remmington.
7
00:00:13,145 --> 00:00:14,455
I mean the guy is an epic...
8
00:00:14,455 --> 00:00:15,385
Fuck-up.
9
00:00:15,395 --> 00:00:18,215
He's so dense that light
bends around him.
10
00:00:18,215 --> 00:00:20,590
Come on, people!
Let's get going here.
11
00:00:20,590 --> 00:00:22,635
I've got a to-do list
here, that's longer
12
00:00:22,635 --> 00:00:24,180
than a fucking
Leonard Cohen song.
13
00:00:24,210 --> 00:00:26,610
Rem-tard at Energy and Climate change.
14
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:29,260
Really?
I'm not getting that.
15
00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:32,145
It's not on here. How did you get that?
About Remmington?
16
00:00:32,145 --> 00:00:34,145
Refresh the page!
17
00:00:34,145 --> 00:00:36,145
Yeah... Ah yeah...
18
00:00:36,145 --> 00:00:38,545
Oh, look! Fatty's staying put.
They're not moving Fatty!
19
00:00:38,545 --> 00:00:40,545
Yeah, well, That's because they don't have
five big blokes and a winch.
20
00:00:41,070 --> 00:00:43,070
They couldn't really demote Fatty,
because he knows too much. He doesn't know where the Ryvita is kept, does he?
21
00:00:45,725 --> 00:00:48,280
I've got this re-shuffle going on.
22
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,720
The Lemmington Spa
by-elections coming up.
23
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:52,905
I've got more on my plate
than a spinster at a wedding.
24
00:00:52,905 --> 00:00:55,700
That wasn't a reference to your
daughter, by the way, Andrew.
25
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:58,690
Well. That's Hugh gone then.
26
00:00:58,690 --> 00:01:01,955
- That's so sad, isn't it...Hugh.
- Yeah.
27
00:01:01,955 --> 00:01:05,060
You don't give a shit!
28
00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:06,640
No, I...perhaps I don't.
29
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:10,535
Northern Ireland office - Tom Rudd.
Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd?
30
00:01:10,535 --> 00:01:11,765
Isn't he in Harry Potter?
31
00:01:11,765 --> 00:01:16,110
Tom Rudd is army slang
for standing up buggery.
32
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:17,255
Doug, Doug - Douggie!
33
00:01:17,255 --> 00:01:19,990
Look at you - cock the size
of Pink Pather's tail.
34
00:01:19,990 --> 00:01:20,890
Come, have a Kit Kat.
35
00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:23,330
Uhm... I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
36
00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:26,910
You know that 90% of household dust is
made of dead human skin?
37
00:01:26,910 --> 00:01:27,630
That's what you are.
38
00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:28,815
To me.
39
00:01:28,815 --> 00:01:30,720
Doug Hayes is a massive abortion.
40
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,345
Again, not a reference to your daughter.
41
00:01:32,345 --> 00:01:35,825
We need somebody to plug
this DoSAC hole.
42
00:01:35,825 --> 00:01:38,745
Anybody.
Fucking mammal with a head.
43
00:01:38,745 --> 00:01:41,235
Have you two finished
emptying your desks yet?
44
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,925
Yes, don't worry Terri,
we're all ready to go.
45
00:01:43,925 --> 00:01:46,325
I'm just trying to get
everything organized
46
00:01:46,325 --> 00:01:47,875
for whenever whoever arrives.
47
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,465
They are gonna have
their own people.
48
00:01:49,465 --> 00:01:52,095
It's gonna be very embarassing if your
handcream's still in the drawer.
49
00:01:52,095 --> 00:01:53,460
Handcream?
50
00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:55,020
Yeah, or whatever men have.
I don't know...
51
00:01:55,020 --> 00:01:57,750
Electric nose-hair trimmers...
...Ex-lax...
52
00:01:57,750 --> 00:02:02,350
Awww... Look at Glenn...
Your face.
53
00:02:02,350 --> 00:02:04,920
On the scrapheap
at the tender age of 76
54
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:05,910
that is no life for you,
is it - Glenn-nes.
55
00:02:06,140 --> 00:02:08,775
Hey, do you want me
to call Dignitas?
56
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,210
I could call Indignitas.
57
00:02:11,650 --> 00:02:14,615
They could come around and shove you out
of the window, dressed as a clown.
58
00:02:14,615 --> 00:02:15,885
Sam, Sam...
59
00:02:16,810 --> 00:02:18,555
Get me uhm...
Nicola Murray.
60
00:02:19,335 --> 00:02:22,335
If she says no, the only other
candidate is my left bollock ...
61
00:02:22,335 --> 00:02:23,850
... with a fucking smiley face
drawn on it.
62
00:02:23,850 --> 00:02:24,965
Ladies and gentlemen...
63
00:02:24,965 --> 00:02:27,935
May I introduce the
new Secretary of State ...
64
00:02:27,935 --> 00:02:30,290
-Hello
-for the Dept. of Social Affairs
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00:02:30,290 --> 00:02:32,475
... and Citizenship,
Nicola Murray.
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00:02:32,475 --> 00:02:35,320
- Thank you.
- Hello. Lovely to meet you.
67
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,840
- Hello, hi.
- I'm Glenn.
68
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,260
- Glenn Cullen.
- How lovely to meet you.
69
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:44,275
-These are just...
Hugh's previous incumbents.
70
00:02:44,275 --> 00:02:46,055
- Ken and Ollie?
- No Glenn...
71
00:02:46,055 --> 00:02:47,485
- Ollie Reeder.
- Right.
72
00:02:47,485 --> 00:02:48,885
- Are you an Ollie or an Oliver?
73
00:02:48,885 --> 00:02:50,155
- I'm whichever you prefer, in fact.
74
00:02:50,155 --> 00:02:52,675
Well okay, Oliver. I like
the name Oliver.
75
00:02:52,675 --> 00:02:54,600
- Well, Ollie. I don't know...
- Oh, you are an Ollie.
76
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,275
... don't know why I said that.
77
00:02:56,275 --> 00:02:57,565
- Thank you.
- Good.
78
00:02:57,565 --> 00:02:58,910
I'm the ideas man.
79
00:02:58,910 --> 00:02:59,810
- Sorry... I've gotta...
80
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:02,845
Thank you.
Just need a .. one second.
81
00:03:02,845 --> 00:03:06,240
Uhm.. Yes I know.
But they frog-marched me into it.
82
00:03:06,710 --> 00:03:09,010
I didn't know...
I had no idea.
83
00:03:09,010 --> 00:03:12,665
James, be fair! I left
seven fucking messages for you.
84
00:03:12,665 --> 00:03:15,040
Your secretary or whoever
it is, is useless.
85
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,565
I don't think the school thing
is gonna be a problem.
86
00:03:16,565 --> 00:03:19,185
It's not going to be a problem, cause
they have vetted me at Number 10.
87
00:03:19,185 --> 00:03:22,380
And obviously nobody has
soiled themselves ... or shot me.
88
00:03:22,380 --> 00:03:26,260
Great, well I take your warm
congratulations as implied.
89
00:03:26,260 --> 00:03:28,865
Fucking... arsehole.
90
00:03:28,865 --> 00:03:31,955
- You alright?
- Yes, it's all a bit crazy.
91
00:03:31,955 --> 00:03:34,940
just feels like my head is made
entirely of smoke alarms.
92
00:03:34,940 --> 00:03:36,645
It's all just a bit - ugh!
93
00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:39,255
Yes, well it was all a bit of
a shock for us all, you know.
94
00:03:39,255 --> 00:03:41,255
- In a good way, in a good way.
- Good.
95
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:43,370
Well like twins or tax rebate ...
96
00:03:43,370 --> 00:03:46,270
Yes, let me continue with the tour.
97
00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:47,350
That's such a nice chair...
98
00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:48,475
This was Glenn's office.
99
00:03:48,475 --> 00:03:50,045
Is there a chance of getting
something like that?
100
00:03:50,045 --> 00:03:51,620
Would you like me to have
it moved to your office?
101
00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,190
- Great, could you do that?
102
00:03:53,190 --> 00:03:54,890
- Right.. Ollie... ?
- Ollie, that's right.
103
00:03:54,890 --> 00:03:56,735
Glenn and Ollie, what
I need to know from you...
104
00:03:56,735 --> 00:04:00,335
All the stuff that Terri's
not gonna tell me
105
00:04:00,335 --> 00:04:02,040
- the stuff she's gonna keep from me.
- Oh, huge list.
106
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,110
- Where the bodies are buried.
- Exactly.
107
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,445
- Yes, the plate pits.
108
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:07,855
The big cardboard boxes with
bits of old junior minister.
109
00:04:07,855 --> 00:04:10,620
Just going to sort out
that policy digest.
110
00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:11,855
- Lovely.
111
00:04:11,855 --> 00:04:14,530
Urban renewal is a bit
of a running sore.
112
00:04:14,530 --> 00:04:15,375
- In what way?
113
00:04:15,375 --> 00:04:17,660
Well, it's very woolly and big.
114
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:21,440
Like a mammoth.
(laughter)
115
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,295
Right... Okay, so uhm...
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00:04:23,295 --> 00:04:29,110
My big thing... Come in actually.
Come in to my office
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00:04:29,110 --> 00:04:31,170
with nowhere to sit
or put anything.
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00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:34,360
My primary focus is
social mobility.
119
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,915
- That's very much my big thing.
- Right.
120
00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:40,210
I'm really telling you that really,
partly to get your take on it
121
00:04:40,210 --> 00:04:42,940
and also so that you can
start spreading the news
122
00:04:42,940 --> 00:04:45,485
and printing the posters.
And, you know.
123
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:48,390
Fire up the turbo charges,
set the phasers to equality.
124
00:04:48,390 --> 00:04:50,710
- It's Murray time!
- Well, the thing is
125
00:04:50,710 --> 00:04:53,350
and Ollie, please, correct me
here if I'm wrong
126
00:04:53,350 --> 00:04:54,860
-Oh, I will certainly do that.
127
00:04:54,860 --> 00:04:59,685
Social mobility and making people
richer, costs money
128
00:04:59,685 --> 00:05:03,175
Yes, and we don't have
any of that.
129
00:05:03,175 --> 00:05:05,105
If you speak to
Nick at the Treasury
130
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,320
he will tell you the same
131
00:05:06,365 --> 00:05:07,820
with his annoying lisp.
132
00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:10,180
What you're telling me basically is that
I'm going to be a woman
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00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:12,000
with a computer and some pens.
134
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,620
Well, it's just the pen budget.
135
00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:16,035
I mean I have just as
much real power
136
00:05:16,035 --> 00:05:19,830
as those twats who sit on
either side of Alan Sugar.
137
00:05:19,830 --> 00:05:21,935
Well... Yes.
138
00:05:21,935 --> 00:05:25,670
Secretary of State, we have some
clothes for you to look at
139
00:05:25,670 --> 00:05:27,470
- for a press photograph later.
- Oh.
140
00:05:27,470 --> 00:05:28,980
- We can do this later, maybe?
- Definitely.
141
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:32,275
- You're size 16?
142
00:05:32,275 --> 00:05:33,355
- I'm 12.
143
00:05:33,355 --> 00:05:37,455
I'm so sorry, I will get those changed.
Right away.
144
00:05:40,810 --> 00:05:43,945
At the moment
I've got nobody at all.
145
00:05:43,945 --> 00:05:45,720
Apart from Hugh's guys
146
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:49,235
who are just kind of
so fucking patronizing
147
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:53,640
And cold. Seriously, one of them
looks exactly like
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00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,130
he works at menswear at Selfridges.
149
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,320
I don't know what
the fuck to say to him.
150
00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:59,760
Secretary of State?
151
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,150
- Yes?
- Your fruit salad.
152
00:06:01,150 --> 00:06:01,980
- Thank you.
153
00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:03,900
Oh I've just had a couple
of press calls
154
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:07,740
Couple of the papers asking about
your husband and the PFI.
155
00:06:08,205 --> 00:06:12,560
Already? My God.
They're so on it.
156
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:13,755
Could you brief me?
157
00:06:13,755 --> 00:06:16,895
Yes, sorry... It's honestly nothing.
158
00:06:16,895 --> 00:06:19,550
James works for Albany,
which is the company
159
00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:22,895
that was awarded the PFI prison's
contract by this departement. -Yes, I remember.
160
00:06:22,895 --> 00:06:26,830
I know that sounds bad,
but actually James wasn't at Albany
161
00:06:26,830 --> 00:06:29,085
when the contracts were awarded
and I wasn't here, so
162
00:06:29,085 --> 00:06:31,460
- Yeah, maybe.
- It's not a conflict of interest.
163
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:33,335
I think you could just run
that by Malcolm.
164
00:06:33,335 --> 00:06:34,855
He's on his way.
165
00:06:34,855 --> 00:06:37,210
Not Malcolm... He's what now?
Coming in?
166
00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:39,050
Yes, he'll be up in 25 seconds.
167
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:40,845
Okay... Fuck.
Right.
168
00:06:40,845 --> 00:06:43,570
So Malcolm Tucker, Malcolm Tucker,
Malcolm Tucker!
169
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,875
Malcolm.... I'm not nervous,
you know, it's just...
170
00:06:46,875 --> 00:06:50,545
Malcolm's sort of one of those
things that I'm aware of
171
00:06:50,545 --> 00:06:53,180
without ever having really
come into contact
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00:06:53,345 --> 00:06:56,365
... with. Like a rat.
173
00:06:56,365 --> 00:06:58,245
No, he'd hate that.
He thinks of himself as a sort of
174
00:06:58,245 --> 00:07:00,095
thin white Mugabe.
175
00:07:00,125 --> 00:07:01,740
Do you think?
176
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:03,945
Because if you are
worried about Malcolm
177
00:07:03,945 --> 00:07:05,700
we have amassed a few tips
178
00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:07,620
how to deal with him,
over the years.
179
00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:09,695
We have worked out when he's
gonna give you a verbal colonic
180
00:07:09,875 --> 00:07:12,335
and some avoidance maneuvers.
181
00:07:12,335 --> 00:07:14,585
Tai-kwon-spin!
182
00:07:14,585 --> 00:07:16,960
Is this the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency?
183
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,140
- Malcolm Tucker!
The real deal.
184
00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,090
- Hello.
- The real deal. Good to see you.
185
00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:21,880
You're looking great.
186
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:25,745
All right, hens and bracket. It's time
to hang up your lady cocks.
187
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:29,045
Nicola Murray. Here you are.
Secretary of state.
188
00:07:29,045 --> 00:07:31,305
For the Departement of Social Affairs
and Citizenship.
189
00:07:31,305 --> 00:07:34,360
Yep, I now have one the of the longest
job titles in Western politics.
190
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,295
Thank god I don't have to wear
a lapel badge.
191
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,660
It's a pity we couldn't just make
an abbreviation of it, you know
192
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,810
like PFI.
193
00:07:41,810 --> 00:07:44,595
Which I think stands for
Pretty Fucking Embarassing.
194
00:07:44,595 --> 00:07:46,520
If you're a bit sloppy
with the details.
195
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,705
Which clearly your
fucking husband is.
196
00:07:48,705 --> 00:07:51,955
Okay, look.
James works for Albany, fine.
197
00:07:51,955 --> 00:07:53,845
He wasn't even working there when
the contract was awarded.
198
00:07:53,845 --> 00:07:57,235
- Don't worry... That was just me.
- Okay, right. fine.
199
00:07:57,235 --> 00:07:59,380
That's the sort of thing
the press will throw at you.
200
00:07:59,380 --> 00:08:02,005
I mean - you step out of line,
they'll be all over you.
201
00:08:02,005 --> 00:08:03,410
Like a pigeon on a chip.
202
00:08:03,665 --> 00:08:04,680
Is that you chair?
203
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,955
Oh god, yeah. It's cool,
isn't it?
204
00:08:06,955 --> 00:08:09,860
It's got lumbar support.
205
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:10,930
Bin it.
206
00:08:10,930 --> 00:08:13,560
People don't like their politicians
to be comfortable.
207
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,220
They don't like you having expenses,
they don't like you being paid
208
00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:17,475
they'd rather you lived in
a fucking cave.
209
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,120
Okay, fine. So...
210
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,325
What should I be sitting on?
Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
211
00:08:23,325 --> 00:08:26,175
A fucking normal chair.
Right?
212
00:08:26,175 --> 00:08:29,160
Not a fucking massive
vibrating throne
213
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,555
Malcolm must be hating this.
214
00:08:30,555 --> 00:08:33,325
All these bright fresh new
ministers to blood in.
215
00:08:33,325 --> 00:08:35,140
and to plan a by-election.
216
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,155
If it's any consolation to you
217
00:08:36,155 --> 00:08:38,115
a little bit of you will always be
in this departement
218
00:08:38,115 --> 00:08:39,600
because she's got your chair.
219
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,405
Doesn't she? She has got your chair,
and in fact your dandruff.
220
00:08:42,405 --> 00:08:45,100
Hahaha. If I go, that chair
is coming with me.
221
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,800
You know those old men you see
who go to the park to read the paper
222
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,025
That'll be you.
223
00:08:49,025 --> 00:08:50,360
You could go in your chair.
224
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,050
They'll make you king of
all the tramps.
225
00:08:53,050 --> 00:08:55,460
So uh... You have three kids, yeah?
226
00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:57,410
- I've got four.
- Four?
227
00:08:57,410 --> 00:09:00,730
Katie's sixteen, she's the oldest.
She's just left school.
228
00:09:00,730 --> 00:09:02,740
Not going to a college,
to a university ?
229
00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:04,985
Uhm, she's a bit of a rebel.
230
00:09:04,985 --> 00:09:06,175
What sort of a rebel?
231
00:09:06,175 --> 00:09:09,695
What are we talking here
Are we talking a pierced navel
232
00:09:09,695 --> 00:09:11,675
or holidays in Pakistani
training camp?
233
00:09:11,675 --> 00:09:15,105
It's chiefly heroin.
234
00:09:15,105 --> 00:09:17,950
Although she has cut down since
getting pregnant
235
00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:20,380
by that Nigerian people
smuggler, because
236
00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:22,500
the track marks would have
affected her porn carrier.
237
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,580
- I'm sorry to disturb. Uhm.
238
00:09:24,580 --> 00:09:25,785
- Morning Malcolm
- Morning, Terri.
239
00:09:25,785 --> 00:09:28,765
Just wanted to give you
a few things - here
240
00:09:28,765 --> 00:09:30,565
that's change from
the fruit salad
241
00:09:30,575 --> 00:09:33,350
this is this morning's paper
- do excuse me -
242
00:09:33,350 --> 00:09:37,735
I'm surprised that you
hadn't vetted me
243
00:09:37,735 --> 00:09:39,040
I thought you'd know
about the kids.
244
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:43,155
It's just that you were a sort of
late-ish kind of appointement.
245
00:09:43,155 --> 00:09:45,165
That didn't quite give
me the time to
246
00:09:45,165 --> 00:09:46,880
to fuck the i's and
fist the t's
247
00:09:47,065 --> 00:09:48,745
as Robert Robertson might say.
248
00:09:48,745 --> 00:09:52,705
Sound to me like, she's only bringing
in one other person, so
249
00:09:52,705 --> 00:09:56,340
I wonder whether she might keep
one of us on permanently.
250
00:09:56,340 --> 00:09:57,865
Thank God I'm safe.
251
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,915
Gee! We know you're safe, Terri!
252
00:09:59,915 --> 00:10:01,020
How do we know you're safe?
253
00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:03,830
We know you're safe, because
you keep using the word "safe"
254
00:10:03,830 --> 00:10:05,300
like bloody Jim Bowen.
255
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,650
You've got a dull sack,
that's safe
256
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,735
do you want to go for
the treasury, young lady.
257
00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:11,480
Okay. This is Walton.
258
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:12,620
What about these other kids.
259
00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:13,595
What ages are they?
260
00:10:13,595 --> 00:10:16,355
They're 11, 9 and 5.
261
00:10:16,355 --> 00:10:17,970
Eleven?
262
00:10:18,090 --> 00:10:19,095
-Uhm.
263
00:10:19,095 --> 00:10:21,570
So that's a secondary school?
264
00:10:21,570 --> 00:10:24,545
No, she's still at a primary -
state primary.
265
00:10:24,545 --> 00:10:28,080
Lovely little school
with terrible SAT results,
266
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,130
but a really good kind of
broad demographic.
267
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,345
and steel band.
268
00:10:31,345 --> 00:10:34,795
She will be going to a secondary school,
what - in September?
269
00:10:34,795 --> 00:10:36,290
Yeah, yeah.
270
00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:38,020
So... uhm...
271
00:10:38,020 --> 00:10:40,070
I can see where
this is going.
272
00:10:40,070 --> 00:10:41,535
Uhm.. it's not
an issue.
273
00:10:41,535 --> 00:10:44,375
Great! If it's not an issue I can
just fucking toddle off then
274
00:10:44,375 --> 00:10:47,210
I will go and have a nice relaxing
wee sleep under my duvet.
275
00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:50,005
Probably will have to tug myself off
cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that.
276
00:10:50,005 --> 00:10:52,925
Cause I know there is
no fucking issue here.
277
00:10:52,925 --> 00:10:54,425
Right?
278
00:10:54,425 --> 00:10:56,570
She's not going to
a comprehensive, Malcolm.
279
00:10:56,570 --> 00:10:59,535
She's going to a local
independent school.
280
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,710
Jesus H... fucking Corbett.
281
00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:05,240
Do you honestly think...
282
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,465
Do you honestly believe that as a minister
you can get away with that?
283
00:11:08,465 --> 00:11:12,240
You are saying that all your
local state schools
284
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:16,945
ALL the schools that this governement
has drastically improved
285
00:11:16,945 --> 00:11:19,485
are knife-addled
rape sheds
286
00:11:19,485 --> 00:11:20,520
and that's not
a big story?
287
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,455
For fuck's sake!
288
00:11:22,455 --> 00:11:25,050
Sort it, or abort it!
289
00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:26,440
Let's get this clear.
290
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,570
My family is off limits.
291
00:11:28,570 --> 00:11:32,605
Alright? This job is not going to get
anywhere near my husband
292
00:11:32,605 --> 00:11:34,405
and my kids.
Just doesn't.
293
00:11:34,405 --> 00:11:34,960
Of course it fucking does.
294
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,785
as per the wee bar code
295
00:11:36,785 --> 00:11:39,030
and the serial number
under your right armpit
296
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:43,320
you are now built and owned
by the state
297
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,150
and you're under the spotlight
24 hours a day, darling!
298
00:11:47,115 --> 00:11:49,110
You know what you are?
299
00:11:49,110 --> 00:11:51,630
You're a fucking
human dart-board.
300
00:11:51,630 --> 00:11:56,675
and Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche
throwing a million darts
301
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:57,365
made of human shit
right at you.
302
00:11:57,365 --> 00:11:58,690
Can you take that?
Can you?
303
00:11:58,690 --> 00:12:01,880
Okay, look. You -
the all-swearing eye -
304
00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:04,155
You didn't even know how
many kids I had
305
00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:05,175
You had to ask me.
306
00:12:05,175 --> 00:12:08,080
So who on Earth in the press is
gonna even know or care?
307
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,770
Do you remember
The Big Breakfast?
308
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,295
- Remember that program?
- Yes!
309
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:13,995
Remeber how Chris Evans started that?
D'you remember it was a big success?
310
00:12:13,995 --> 00:12:16,425
And then they had that guy
Johnny Vaughan - remember him?
311
00:12:16,425 --> 00:12:19,090
Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why
but they loved him.
312
00:12:19,090 --> 00:12:20,600
Do you know what
this is here?
313
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:24,495
This here -
is fucking series 10.
314
00:12:24,495 --> 00:12:26,190
of the Big Breakfast.
315
00:12:26,190 --> 00:12:27,400
And you know
what you are?
316
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,820
You're the fucking
dinner lady
317
00:12:28,905 --> 00:12:31,050
that they've asked to come
to present the show.
318
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:34,925
The reason I didn't know
about you and your children
319
00:12:34,925 --> 00:12:37,130
is you are so low
320
00:12:37,130 --> 00:12:39,175
down
on the list
321
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,145
of candidates for this job
322
00:12:41,145 --> 00:12:44,065
I didn't even have the chance
to look into you.
323
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,360
So low.
324
00:12:47,735 --> 00:12:52,225
Waaaaay waaay waaay way
325
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,745
... low.
326
00:12:54,745 --> 00:12:59,010
You are now being scrutinized for
what you wear, what you say.
327
00:12:59,010 --> 00:13:00,730
For your hair,
your shoes
328
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,790
your fucking earrings,
your fucking cleavage
329
00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:04,415
and your dress - which
by the way
330
00:13:04,415 --> 00:13:06,050
is way too loud.
331
00:13:06,050 --> 00:13:08,890
- Too loud?
- Yeah! I'm getting fucking tinnitus here.
332
00:13:10,145 --> 00:13:11,460
Look.
333
00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:15,145
Your crooked husband -
I can make go away.
334
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:20,835
But your crooked husband combined
with you being worried about
335
00:13:20,835 --> 00:13:24,070
your underaged daughter coming
home up the duff
336
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:27,615
from some truanting bastard -
I cannot.
337
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:31,570
She goes to the comp - okay?
338
00:13:32,975 --> 00:13:36,540
Oh, God.
339
00:13:36,540 --> 00:13:39,500
You Glenn, yes
and or Ollie.
340
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:42,230
Terri!
Just a quick update really.
341
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:45,115
- How did it go?
- It was all very positive
342
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,050
we sort of know where
we all stand now
343
00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:49,855
the PFI thing you know about
- not a problem, Malcolm's fine.
344
00:13:49,855 --> 00:13:52,145
Second little thing I've
just apprised Malcolm of
345
00:13:52,145 --> 00:13:55,245
is that my eleven year-old daughter
will be going to a private school.
346
00:13:55,245 --> 00:13:56,995
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
347
00:13:56,995 --> 00:14:00,905
- Sorry...
- It's a personal issue
348
00:14:00,905 --> 00:14:02,440
I'm not Education Secretary, so
349
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,700
Nor will you be!
350
00:14:03,815 --> 00:14:05,860
Secretary of State - with respect -
351
00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:07,550
this is political suicide.
352
00:14:07,730 --> 00:14:09,115
- Thank you very much
for your support, Glenn.
353
00:14:09,115 --> 00:14:11,290
I was hoping there was
another way around it.
354
00:14:11,290 --> 00:14:13,450
Sorry, there is no way around it,
it's horrible,
355
00:14:13,450 --> 00:14:14,910
It's a bit like Dover.
356
00:14:14,910 --> 00:14:17,285
You know, if you wanna
go to France
357
00:14:17,285 --> 00:14:18,475
you've got to go through it.
358
00:14:18,475 --> 00:14:20,190
We don't have to go through
Dover to get to France
359
00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:21,925
you can go through Weymouth,
through Portsmouth, there's plenty ...
360
00:14:21,925 --> 00:14:22,705
I don't want to go to Dover.
361
00:14:22,705 --> 00:14:24,280
I don't want to go to
fucking Dover or France!
362
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,970
I just want my daughter to
be happy at school.
363
00:14:25,970 --> 00:14:28,450
Great, well that's good,
that's excellent.
364
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:31,300
That's .. you've got principles,
the common thing ...
365
00:14:31,910 --> 00:14:33,405
For fuck's sake Ollie,
there is no point
366
00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:35,150
telling her just what she
wants to hear, is there?
367
00:14:35,270 --> 00:14:36,080
So Terri?
368
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,040
Yes? I'm sorry, but personal
issues are not my brief.
369
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,635
Okay, thank you
for that.
370
00:14:40,635 --> 00:14:42,670
The chair -
the lumbar chair
371
00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:44,870
has to go to skip,
Malcolm insisted.
372
00:14:44,870 --> 00:14:45,735
Oh, okay.
373
00:14:45,735 --> 00:14:47,585
Not now, cause I've got
work to do
374
00:14:47,585 --> 00:14:50,450
but if you could get somebody...
Apparently, if you have a nice chair
375
00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:53,030
it turns you into
Saddam Hussein.
376
00:14:53,030 --> 00:14:55,030
The entire building
smells of cold sores.
377
00:14:57,370 --> 00:14:59,760
Ah, so -
first cabinet meeting.
378
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,700
How do you feel?
379
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,615
Anxious, nervous,
worried?
380
00:15:02,615 --> 00:15:05,040
Well she probably wasn't until you said
"anxious, nervous, worried?"
381
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,275
Now you are an advert
for Tarmazipan.
382
00:15:07,275 --> 00:15:09,795
Going sick all over the Foreign Secretary
- would that look bad?
383
00:15:09,795 --> 00:15:12,660
No - Jeffrey House shat himself on
his first morning.
384
00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:13,690
Ollie, please!
385
00:15:13,690 --> 00:15:16,490
Well I find that kind of tomfoolery
very tiresome.
386
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:18,335
Sorry - Terri,
what's the driver's name?
387
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,470
It always makes you look more human
if you know their name
388
00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:22,095
I am human, so.
389
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:22,970
It's Elvis.
390
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,310
Seriously, what's
his name.
391
00:15:25,310 --> 00:15:26,440
No, it's Elvis.
392
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,040
He's from the Ukraine,
you see.
393
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,985
And nobody can pronouce
the real name
394
00:15:29,985 --> 00:15:34,370
So they call him Elvis on
account of the - uhuhuh.
395
00:15:34,370 --> 00:15:35,175
What?
396
00:15:35,175 --> 00:15:36,870
Take a peak.
397
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:39,620
Hey, what's wrong with you?
398
00:15:39,620 --> 00:15:41,770
You look like you've shat
a lego garage or something.
399
00:15:41,770 --> 00:15:44,765
Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an
independent in Lemmington Spa.
400
00:15:44,765 --> 00:15:47,560
(noises)
401
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,610
This is going to split
our vote.
402
00:15:49,610 --> 00:15:50,635
Do you thing we're
in trouble?
403
00:15:50,635 --> 00:15:52,180
Maybe we should have chosen
her over Liam Bentley.
404
00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:54,710
No - she thinks just because her
dead fat-ass dad was an MP
405
00:15:54,710 --> 00:15:56,525
that gives her the right to be
our candidate.
406
00:15:56,525 --> 00:15:58,275
No no no. This isn't
tsarist Russia.
407
00:15:58,275 --> 00:15:59,395
This isn't fucking Dimblebys.
408
00:15:59,395 --> 00:16:00,040
What do we do?
409
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,665
We'll send everyone up there.
410
00:16:01,665 --> 00:16:03,990
To support Liam Bentley,
including the Prime Minister.
411
00:16:03,990 --> 00:16:05,150
You want to send Tom
up there?
412
00:16:05,150 --> 00:16:07,785
Yeah, fuck it, he'll be alright, as
long as he doesn't do the smile.
413
00:16:07,835 --> 00:16:09,445
You hit the phones, right?
414
00:16:09,445 --> 00:16:11,805
I'll be with you in two shakes
of a crying baby.
415
00:16:13,150 --> 00:16:14,855
Wow.
416
00:16:15,105 --> 00:16:16,505
Black widow.
417
00:16:16,505 --> 00:16:17,595
Malcolm.
418
00:16:17,595 --> 00:16:20,150
Congratulations - first cabinet.
I heard you wowed them.
419
00:16:20,150 --> 00:16:22,490
The meeting's literally just finished,
how would you know that?
420
00:16:22,490 --> 00:16:24,425
PM texted me - he's
very impressed.
421
00:16:24,425 --> 00:16:26,455
You could be nominated for
best newcomer.
422
00:16:26,455 --> 00:16:27,015
Really?
423
00:16:27,015 --> 00:16:28,215
No.
424
00:16:28,215 --> 00:16:30,605
You knew Jim Lynn,
didn't you?
425
00:16:30,605 --> 00:16:32,240
The dead fucker.
God rest him.
426
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,830
Yeah, I did a bit
back home.
427
00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:36,725
Very sad - all those weeks
on life support.
428
00:16:36,725 --> 00:16:37,990
Nice chair.
429
00:16:37,990 --> 00:16:41,185
Sad? Lying on you back, getting fed
nutrients through a tube?
430
00:16:41,185 --> 00:16:42,875
It's my idea of a fucking
holiday.
431
00:16:43,595 --> 00:16:45,035
How would you like to
go to Lemmington?
432
00:16:45,035 --> 00:16:46,700
When?
433
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:47,980
This morning.
434
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:49,525
It's never too soon
to go to Lemmington.
435
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:52,390
I've just taken over a departement,
I have a hell of a ...
436
00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:53,805
You've been asked by the PM
437
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,725
specifically to pop
along to Lemmington
438
00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,365
and do some photo-ops
with Liam Bentley.
439
00:16:59,365 --> 00:17:00,720
Supporting him, yeah?
440
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,710
I don't really have any
choice, do I?
441
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:04,280
Of course you have
a choice.
442
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,660
You can decide exactly
how you say "yes".
443
00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:08,280
You can do it with a voice.
444
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,155
Have fun with it.
445
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,960
Yes.
446
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:13,875
In my own voice.
447
00:17:13,875 --> 00:17:16,470
I look forward to
toasting your success.
448
00:17:16,845 --> 00:17:19,045
Have a lovely time in
Lemmington, yeah?
449
00:17:19,045 --> 00:17:20,335
Can I go?
450
00:17:20,335 --> 00:17:22,065
Of course you can
fucking go.
451
00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:27,165
Jesus.
452
00:17:27,165 --> 00:17:29,785
Never easy.
Never fucking easy.
453
00:17:30,795 --> 00:17:32,765
- Yeah, hi.
- Hey.
454
00:17:32,765 --> 00:17:35,240
Um, yeah.
455
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,640
- Glenn.
- Glenn ...
456
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,375
What do you think of
Glenn?
457
00:17:38,375 --> 00:17:42,350
Huh. Well it's sort of like asking
what do I think of skirting boards
458
00:17:42,350 --> 00:17:45,895
I mean - I assume that we need them
but I'm not really sure why.
459
00:17:45,895 --> 00:17:47,785
I'm finding him
very old-school.
460
00:17:47,785 --> 00:17:49,625
Well, yes.
He's ancient school, really.
461
00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:52,340
Glenn - he used to get his packed
lunch nicked by Plato
462
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:53,755
he's an old ...
463
00:17:53,755 --> 00:17:55,615
So I'd like you to come up to
Lemmington with me.
464
00:17:55,615 --> 00:17:57,430
Oh great, yeah.
Well, it's a...
465
00:17:57,430 --> 00:18:00,195
it's my favourite of
the spa towns.
466
00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:03,035
Apart from all
the other, so.
467
00:18:03,035 --> 00:18:05,175
Okay, lovely. So if you could
just get
468
00:18:05,175 --> 00:18:07,050
uhm, Terri in.
Please.
469
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,875
Sure!
470
00:18:08,875 --> 00:18:10,720
- Terri!
- Yeah?
471
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,065
You're on.
472
00:18:12,285 --> 00:18:13,505
What?
473
00:18:13,505 --> 00:18:17,375
What were you and Bravo Two Zero
talking about in there?
474
00:18:17,375 --> 00:18:18,795
- Who?
- Her, you know.
475
00:18:18,795 --> 00:18:21,015
Her in there.
Bravo Two Zero.
476
00:18:21,015 --> 00:18:23,130
Well, I don't know what
that means, Glenn.
477
00:18:23,130 --> 00:18:25,580
Yes you do - no,
I don't mean that, I mean
478
00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:27,525
Juliet Bravo.
479
00:18:27,525 --> 00:18:29,545
You've completely lost me,
Glenn. I really ...
480
00:18:29,545 --> 00:18:32,615
Juliet Bravo! She was a
lady policeman.
481
00:18:32,615 --> 00:18:36,440
A lady policeman? Did the last 30
years not happen to you?
482
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:37,595
- What?
- Have you been asleep
483
00:18:37,595 --> 00:18:40,775
in a box of straw like a Blue Peter tortoise
484
00:18:40,775 --> 00:18:42,810
Lady policeman.
485
00:18:42,810 --> 00:18:45,470
I've asked Ollie to come up
to Lemmington with me.
486
00:18:45,470 --> 00:18:46,475
- Ollie?
- Yeah.
487
00:18:46,475 --> 00:18:48,960
I can't really connect
with Glenn.
488
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:53,935
You think I shouldn't have
asked Ollie?
489
00:18:53,935 --> 00:18:55,580
No no - I didn't say that.
490
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:57,500
You sort of did with
your face.
491
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:59,770
No no, Ollie has got
plenty of good points.
492
00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:01,705
It's just he's ...
493
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:05,490
well he's a little bit morally bankrupt
and massively self-centred.
494
00:19:05,490 --> 00:19:07,905
And a tiny bit dangerously
unreliable.
495
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,605
But he has got a lot of good points,
as I say.
496
00:19:10,605 --> 00:19:11,740
Great - well
thank you.
497
00:19:11,740 --> 00:19:14,125
Can you just send
Glenn in for me?
498
00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:15,815
Glenn!
499
00:19:15,815 --> 00:19:18,440
Nicola would like
to see you.
500
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:27,545
- Hi Glenn, take a seat.
-Thank you.
501
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:30,320
You ever worked in
retail, Glenn?
502
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,430
No, never have.
503
00:19:31,430 --> 00:19:33,070
Oh, just...
504
00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:36,070
Uhm, so what do you
think of
505
00:19:36,070 --> 00:19:38,570
Terri - do you
trust her?
506
00:19:39,355 --> 00:19:41,020
No.
507
00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:45,160
Right - cause she just told me she
sort of prefers you to Ollie.
508
00:19:47,075 --> 00:19:49,290
When I say I don't
trust her -
509
00:19:51,175 --> 00:19:54,535
What I mean is I don't
trust her around money.
510
00:19:54,535 --> 00:19:55,605
Really?
511
00:19:55,605 --> 00:19:57,265
Blimey, what - she
steals?
512
00:19:57,265 --> 00:19:59,650
No no no no - I'm
not saying anything like that.
513
00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:02,385
Cause actually - I got very little
change from my fruit salad.
514
00:20:02,385 --> 00:20:05,005
No no no - let me just
roll back a little bit here.
515
00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:06,350
Perhaps, uhm...
516
00:20:06,350 --> 00:20:07,760
all the way to the boathouse.
517
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,305
Actually, I do
trust Terri.
518
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,590
Okay.
519
00:20:14,910 --> 00:20:16,030
Your chair's gone.
520
00:20:16,030 --> 00:20:18,375
Oh yes, yeah...
I had to
521
00:20:18,375 --> 00:20:20,055
bin it - Malcolm insisted.
522
00:20:20,055 --> 00:20:21,575
But it was my chair.
523
00:20:21,575 --> 00:20:25,020
Oh right, I...
It was
524
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:26,475
It was decadent, Glenn.
525
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:28,435
It was a chair
gone mad.
526
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,700
Do you know where
it's gone?
527
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,490
Skip.
528
00:20:34,490 --> 00:20:37,040
Skip.
529
00:20:38,795 --> 00:20:42,280
I'm sorry - for your loss.
530
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,665
I paid 600 pounds
for that chair.
531
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:49,430
How's her hair?
532
00:20:49,430 --> 00:20:51,785
Terri, you'll be delighted to know
that the Secretary of State is now
533
00:20:51,785 --> 00:20:54,780
checking her hair
in my glasses.
534
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,215
You're on TV live.
535
00:20:56,215 --> 00:20:56,855
What now?
536
00:20:56,855 --> 00:20:58,835
You're on now -
apparently.
537
00:20:58,835 --> 00:21:00,740
Why are you
squatting down?
538
00:21:00,740 --> 00:21:02,250
Ah - there she is.
539
00:21:02,250 --> 00:21:04,145
Malcolm - Nicola
will be there in a minute.
540
00:21:04,145 --> 00:21:05,665
No, you're in the shot
actually, Ollie.
541
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,335
Why am I in the shot?
542
00:21:07,420 --> 00:21:09,445
Nicola Murray!
543
00:21:09,445 --> 00:21:11,575
Hi everybody,
well - uhm
544
00:21:11,575 --> 00:21:13,340
I'm very pleased
to see
545
00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:15,365
a number of familiar
faces here - Hello!
546
00:21:15,365 --> 00:21:16,750
Isn't see good
with the people?
547
00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:17,605
Yeah, she is.
548
00:21:17,605 --> 00:21:19,125
But then - so is Kate Thornton
549
00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:20,805
and she's wanted
for war crimes.
550
00:21:20,805 --> 00:21:21,585
Ladies and gentlemen
551
00:21:21,585 --> 00:21:24,600
let's take a look at Liam
Bentley's election poster.
552
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,475
Mrs Murray, do you feel
your husband's involvement
553
00:21:26,475 --> 00:21:29,525
in the PFI's prisons contract
compromises your position?
554
00:21:29,525 --> 00:21:32,490
Well, I'm just here to support
Liam Bentley
555
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:34,070
You don't think there's
a conflict of interest?
556
00:21:34,070 --> 00:21:35,865
No - I really don't.
557
00:21:35,865 --> 00:21:37,770
- Excellent.
- She's handling this very well, Malcolm.
558
00:21:38,805 --> 00:21:39,980
You think?
559
00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:40,990
Will you resign,
minister?
560
00:21:40,990 --> 00:21:43,040
Oh shut up,
you twat!
561
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,795
... and I think they're
interested also in
562
00:21:45,795 --> 00:21:48,405
greater opportunities
for social ...
563
00:21:48,405 --> 00:21:49,715
Looking terrific, Ollie.
564
00:21:49,715 --> 00:21:50,820
What? Sorry?
565
00:21:50,820 --> 00:21:51,700
A little bit edgy.
566
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:53,510
Can you please make sure
567
00:21:53,510 --> 00:21:55,180
Nicola's right in the middle.
568
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:56,230
She doesn't look
important enough
569
00:21:56,230 --> 00:21:57,415
could you just -
move her over.
570
00:21:58,340 --> 00:21:59,340
- Could you move for a second. ?
- Right here?
571
00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:01,140
Perfect!
572
00:22:01,140 --> 00:22:02,540
- Perfect, that looks terrific.
- No no no ...
573
00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:04,330
No!
Jesus - Terri!
574
00:22:04,330 --> 00:22:05,465
The letters!
575
00:22:05,465 --> 00:22:06,210
That's great.
576
00:22:06,210 --> 00:22:07,565
What does is say,
Terri?
577
00:22:07,565 --> 00:22:08,960
- It says Liam...
- No it doesn't
578
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,725
- ... Bentley.
- Not there it fucking doesn't!
579
00:22:11,725 --> 00:22:13,265
- Back where you were -
please, stay
580
00:22:15,650 --> 00:22:17,170
This is obviously
the hot spot.
581
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:18,900
Well okay, if you crop the ...
582
00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:20,230
Well of course if you crop
583
00:22:20,230 --> 00:22:21,590
Malcolm!
584
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:22,480
You tried.
585
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:23,695
You really tried.
586
00:22:23,695 --> 00:22:24,935
Did your best,
mate.
587
00:22:24,935 --> 00:22:25,875
Very happy with it.
588
00:22:25,875 --> 00:22:26,945
You both did
your best.
589
00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:27,915
Thanks.
590
00:22:28,510 --> 00:22:29,750
Big smile!
591
00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:32,560
Hi darling! Did you see
mommy on the telly?
592
00:22:33,725 --> 00:22:36,260
I know,
did I look funny?
593
00:22:37,100 --> 00:22:38,975
It did, good boy.
594
00:22:38,975 --> 00:22:40,525
It said "I am bent".
595
00:22:43,770 --> 00:22:45,375
Have you uhm...
596
00:22:45,375 --> 00:22:46,400
Yes.
597
00:22:50,155 --> 00:22:52,415
Yeah, is this now official
news that's calling?
598
00:22:52,415 --> 00:22:54,980
Great - someone's just sent
me a Youtube clip
599
00:22:54,980 --> 00:22:57,200
which is me, in front of
the "I am bent" sign
600
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,645
randomly intercut with
bits from Family Guy.
601
00:22:59,645 --> 00:23:02,710
It's not even funny! Why do people
fucking do that on Youtube!
602
00:23:02,710 --> 00:23:06,155
Look - let's learn and grow
from this experience.
603
00:23:06,155 --> 00:23:07,500
We can make a blacklist
of words
604
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:09,525
you should never
stand in front of.
605
00:23:09,525 --> 00:23:11,420
In case the press gets
to do something like that.
606
00:23:11,420 --> 00:23:12,490
- Peacock.
- Peacock, of course.
607
00:23:12,490 --> 00:23:13,865
Shuttlecock. Spatchcock.
608
00:23:13,865 --> 00:23:15,280
Anything with cock, really.
609
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,400
You remember that
folk singer - Tim Hardin.
610
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,975
Well you'd be able to get
"I'm hard."
611
00:23:19,975 --> 00:23:20,900
Out of that.
612
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:24,595
Coarsefishing - that could be
arsefish if you crop that.
613
00:23:24,595 --> 00:23:26,425
And walkie-talkie could be
cropped to say
614
00:23:26,425 --> 00:23:27,935
alkie - twice.
615
00:23:27,935 --> 00:23:29,080
There are no
walkie-talkie
616
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,215
why would I stand in front
of a walkie-talkie sign?
617
00:23:31,215 --> 00:23:31,790
Malkie-Malkie.
618
00:23:31,790 --> 00:23:33,940
Well you know, Howard,
she's not bent
619
00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:36,050
neither in the sense of
being corrupt or being gay.
620
00:23:36,050 --> 00:23:37,950
And by the way, that's an
incredibly homophobic
621
00:23:37,950 --> 00:23:39,615
headline - you massive puff.
622
00:23:39,615 --> 00:23:41,470
You've got egg on your
face, Howard.
623
00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:43,025
You over-easy
piss-bag.
624
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,740
Oh hey Yoko Ono and
the two remaining Beatles
625
00:23:45,740 --> 00:23:46,750
piss off.
626
00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:50,755
Right - any chance we could just
skip over the usual abuse bit
627
00:23:50,755 --> 00:23:52,695
and move on to the part where
we sort this out.
628
00:23:52,695 --> 00:23:53,685
Yeah.
629
00:23:53,685 --> 00:23:55,060
You need to make
a decision.
630
00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:56,605
Are you still going ahead
with the private school
631
00:23:56,605 --> 00:23:58,900
because if you are, we need
to draft a statement
632
00:23:58,900 --> 00:24:00,260
saying that your husband
is leaving his job.
633
00:24:01,605 --> 00:24:03,800
Are you taking a piss?
634
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,800
You're expecting me
to choose between
635
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,425
fucking up my
daughter's life
636
00:24:07,425 --> 00:24:08,990
and fucking up
my husband's life?
637
00:24:08,990 --> 00:24:09,630
Yeah.
638
00:24:09,630 --> 00:24:11,430
So I just have to choose
between them.
639
00:24:11,430 --> 00:24:15,615
Like they're on some fucking
cosmic dessert trolley.
640
00:24:15,615 --> 00:24:17,385
Listen darling - I can't fight on
two fronts, you know?
641
00:24:17,685 --> 00:24:19,615
If the press run with both
of these stories
642
00:24:19,615 --> 00:24:20,975
you're fucking dead.
643
00:24:20,975 --> 00:24:22,305
You set this up,
didn't you?
644
00:24:23,940 --> 00:24:24,835
What?
645
00:24:24,835 --> 00:24:27,525
To put me in
my place?
646
00:24:27,525 --> 00:24:28,730
Or get back at me
647
00:24:28,730 --> 00:24:30,675
for ignoring your advice?
648
00:24:30,675 --> 00:24:33,990
Or some other weird
perceived slight
649
00:24:33,990 --> 00:24:35,490
that doesn't in any way merit
650
00:24:35,490 --> 00:24:39,105
this massive fucking out-of-proportion
Isreali-style response.
651
00:24:39,105 --> 00:24:42,000
You don't realise - I'm your
fucking fairy godfather - right?
652
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,390
Jesus - God
help me!
653
00:24:43,390 --> 00:24:44,785
I'm your fairy
fucking godfather.
654
00:24:44,785 --> 00:24:45,980
I've got
a magic wand
655
00:24:45,980 --> 00:24:47,290
that I can wave about
656
00:24:47,290 --> 00:24:49,395
but I've got a fucking Blackberry
and a chiff.
657
00:24:49,395 --> 00:24:50,520
You've got a decision to make,
658
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,080
You make it -
talk to you later.
659
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,365
Malcolm!
660
00:24:54,365 --> 00:24:56,880
Sorry - can we just carry on
talking about that thing?
661
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,445
Was it you who positioned
me there?
662
00:24:59,105 --> 00:25:01,160
Do you know what the first
sign of madness is?
663
00:25:01,815 --> 00:25:03,605
Paranoia.
664
00:25:03,605 --> 00:25:04,910
Have you seen that film -
A Beautiful Mind
665
00:25:04,910 --> 00:25:07,225
the one with that
Russell Crowe?
666
00:25:07,225 --> 00:25:08,405
The one with
the maths guy
667
00:25:08,405 --> 00:25:11,460
he thinks the CIA are
working away in a shed
668
00:25:11,460 --> 00:25:11,980
at the bottom of his garden.
669
00:25:11,980 --> 00:25:13,075
That's you.
670
00:25:13,075 --> 00:25:15,470
No. I am not
the mad one here.
671
00:25:15,470 --> 00:25:16,855
You are the mad one.
672
00:25:16,855 --> 00:25:17,800
You're Russell Crowe.
673
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,760
Oh no no no.
You are Russell Crowe.
674
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,065
And you need to fucking
listen to me, Russell
675
00:25:23,065 --> 00:25:27,275
you fucking antipondean, fucking
kangaroo-loving fruitcake.
676
00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:28,755
See this poster stuff
677
00:25:28,755 --> 00:25:30,730
that's fucking
small fry
678
00:25:33,265 --> 00:25:34,700
The really horrible stuff
679
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:36,750
that's all still about to fucking
happen to you - right?
680
00:25:37,725 --> 00:25:39,545
Right you're coming in here so
we can carry this on?
681
00:25:40,505 --> 00:25:43,160
- Now?
- If you can spare the time!
682
00:25:44,605 --> 00:25:46,060
Uh, no.
683
00:25:46,835 --> 00:25:47,775
I - no. I can't...
684
00:25:47,775 --> 00:25:49,545
I don't use lifts,
I'm claustrophobic.
685
00:25:54,225 --> 00:25:55,175
You're what?
686
00:25:55,175 --> 00:25:57,515
Not hugely -
I can be in rooms
687
00:25:57,515 --> 00:26:00,420
you've seen that - I just
don't do lifts - that's all.
688
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,505
This lift is - I mean it's
fucking huge!
689
00:26:04,505 --> 00:26:06,625
I mean this is bigger
than some rooms
690
00:26:06,625 --> 00:26:08,825
this is bigger than
some people's flats.
691
00:26:08,825 --> 00:26:10,255
It's about not being able
to get out.
692
00:26:10,255 --> 00:26:12,455
Oh, well that's great.
693
00:26:12,455 --> 00:26:13,695
That's fucking great.
694
00:26:13,695 --> 00:26:15,715
That's another fucking thing
right there.
695
00:26:15,715 --> 00:26:17,605
Not only you've got a fucking
bent husband
696
00:26:17,605 --> 00:26:19,440
and a fucking daughter that
gets taken to school
697
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:20,570
on a fucking sedan chair.
698
00:26:20,570 --> 00:26:23,275
you're also fucking
mental!
699
00:26:23,275 --> 00:26:24,605
Jesus Christ,
see you
700
00:26:24,605 --> 00:26:27,385
you are a fucking omni-shambles
that's what you are.
701
00:26:27,385 --> 00:26:29,060
You're like that coffee machine,
you know
702
00:26:29,060 --> 00:26:31,730
from bean to cup,
you fuck up.
703
00:26:33,655 --> 00:26:35,490
He so is Russell Crowe.
704
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:37,395
- Who?
705
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:40,195
Nicola, I did want to tell you
that I
706
00:26:40,195 --> 00:26:43,035
I tried to get a message through
to Ollie ...
707
00:26:43,035 --> 00:26:44,690
- I know.
- I have been doing this
708
00:26:44,690 --> 00:26:47,725
a long time now,
by which a mean, you know
709
00:26:47,725 --> 00:26:50,480
in an experienced - firm hand on
a tiller sort of way.
710
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,025
Not in a clapped hard
over the hill kind of way.
711
00:26:54,025 --> 00:26:56,190
- Yeah I know.
- I've learned to look out
712
00:26:56,190 --> 00:26:57,275
for these sort of things
713
00:26:57,275 --> 00:27:01,850
I have developed a kind of
sonar for them now
714
00:27:01,850 --> 00:27:02,615
like a bat.
715
00:27:02,615 --> 00:27:04,310
Glenn, do you want to...
716
00:27:04,310 --> 00:27:06,790
would you want to maybe
stay on
717
00:27:06,790 --> 00:27:08,105
I could use that sonar.
718
00:27:08,105 --> 00:27:09,410
Batty man.
719
00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:10,760
Right.
720
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:11,865
Uhm, forgive me...
721
00:27:11,865 --> 00:27:13,850
I think that's
722
00:27:13,850 --> 00:27:15,980
Jamaican slang for
"homosexual".
723
00:27:15,980 --> 00:27:16,580
Yes, I was thinking that
as I said it
724
00:27:16,580 --> 00:27:17,920
I'm really sorry -
I didn't.
725
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,560
No no no no.
726
00:27:24,820 --> 00:27:25,670
I'm on my way down -
727
00:27:25,670 --> 00:27:28,140
see you by
the front door, Elvis.
728
00:27:29,420 --> 00:27:30,355
Have you decided?
729
00:27:30,355 --> 00:27:32,355
Oh, shit.
730
00:27:32,355 --> 00:27:34,220
Yes, Malcolm,
you know I have decided
731
00:27:34,220 --> 00:27:35,875
the minute you told me
I had to decide.
732
00:27:35,875 --> 00:27:38,105
I'm gonna change
Ella's schools.
733
00:27:38,105 --> 00:27:38,855
Good for you.
734
00:27:38,855 --> 00:27:42,025
Listen - I'm gonna try and get
your social mobility thing moving.
735
00:27:42,025 --> 00:27:43,655
I talked to the chancellor
736
00:27:43,655 --> 00:27:45,915
I'm gonna keep banging
away at it - you know
737
00:27:45,915 --> 00:27:48,405
like Charles Haughtry
on a sleeping guardsman.
738
00:27:48,405 --> 00:27:49,400
Okay.
739
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:52,105
I mean she's ...
She's very bright so
740
00:27:52,105 --> 00:27:54,460
- Yeah?
- They say if you're very bright
741
00:27:54,460 --> 00:27:56,500
then it sort of doesn't matter
what school you go to.
742
00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:58,500
That's true.
743
00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:00,430
That is very true.
744
00:28:00,670 --> 00:28:01,550
Hey!
745
00:28:02,100 --> 00:28:05,565
See you later -
state educator.
746
00:28:07,295 --> 00:28:11,355
It's a highly expensive lumbar
support chair, for God's sake.
747
00:28:11,355 --> 00:28:12,920
Oh don't be ridiculous.
748
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:16,315
I mean that's paper recycling, it's
not gonna be there - is it?
749
00:28:16,980 --> 00:28:18,830
I'm gonna call you in the morning
and if you're not there
750
00:28:18,830 --> 00:28:20,270
you're in big trouble.
751
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,170
Glenn.
752
00:28:22,170 --> 00:28:24,385
See this...
753
00:28:24,385 --> 00:28:26,730
Dickensian hysteric
who's just gone home?
754
00:28:26,730 --> 00:28:28,385
Here's what you do -
right?
755
00:28:28,385 --> 00:28:29,590
You're made out of great aw's - yeah?
756
00:28:29,905 --> 00:28:31,955
You make a big noise
757
00:28:31,955 --> 00:28:33,365
to impress Nicola.
758
00:28:33,750 --> 00:28:37,465
But secretly, you're wanking
behind the curtain to me all the time.
759
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:40,200
You want me to
pass information onto you?
760
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:41,685
Don't kill yourself though -
761
00:28:41,685 --> 00:28:42,910
well, not over this
you know.
762
00:28:42,910 --> 00:28:45,525
I just want you to make
her feel good - you know?
763
00:28:45,525 --> 00:28:47,960
You can be a friend of
Dorothy's - can't ya?
764
00:28:49,225 --> 00:28:54,000
Then we'll all get some fucking
peace around here!
765
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:56,230
Right!
766
00:28:56,230 --> 00:28:57,520
I'm on my way
to wipe my arse
767
00:28:57,520 --> 00:28:59,355
on pictures
of Nick Robinson.
768
00:28:59,355 --> 00:29:01,135
I'm getting good
at getting my queef.
769
00:29:01,420 --> 00:29:03,960
[subs by .knotie
edited by gilly]
770
00:29:04,010 --> 00:29:08,560
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