Original subtitles

I'm just going to make a summary of my findings and conclusions...

(MOBILE RINGING)

...after my work down at the Watford Immigration and Asylum Centre.

And also, a member of my team can give you a...

- (MOBILES RINGING) ...a press pack.

The... What's going on?

- They've all just gone. - Put this on, Peter.

All right, everybody, listen up! This is it, phase two.

This is the line, for the next 24 hours, right?

You speak to everyone you know and you praise him, right?

You praise him like he's your dead brother, all right?

Nothing else. I just want to hear praise, praise, praise.

STEWART: What are you wanting, Phil?

Please talk to Phil before I get to...

Zudek, it's Peter.

Will it be possible to get the hot water on again?

Yes? Ah, that's bloody marvellous.

How big is the bath?

Oh, God, that's not a bath, it's a yacht.

No, I told you that towel rail is too big.

A towel rail should not occupy an entire wall.

That's not a towel rail. That's a climbing frame.

I want JB over from Portcullis now! Someone send a car round for him!

Somebody send a carpet round for him, but I want JB here now!

- Oh, don't let him play with my... - EMMA: Don't touch the...

jesus, what have you done?

Phil, I told you not to touch the television.

You're completely hopeless.

PHIL: I was trying to get the news feed.

Just go and sit down somewhere, Phil. Try not to touch anything, all right?

- What's the matter with you? - It's big news.

It's just... I don't know how to react.

- You don't know how to react? - What do you mean?

Well, it's... I don't know what I'm supposed...

- Why don't you go make some coffee? - I'll get some coffee.

Oh, great.

Really great.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Hello? - Hi, Peter?

How's the bathroom?

The taps aren't working out as well as I'd hoped.

Well, at least you don't go into your bathroom and find out

a member of another political party's just done a shit in it.

Yeah, look on the bright side.

- Phil, News 24. - Yeah, I'm gonna tell him.

- Tell him now. - I'm gonna tell him in a minute.

Tell me what?

Stewart is keen for you to go on News 24...

He is - he is going on News 24.

He wants you to go on News 24 and do a bit of "praise him, praise him"

about the PM, yeah, go all Baptist.

Oh, God, no! Sorry, I really don't want to do that.

No, of course you don't. No one wants to do that.

- What's he saying? - It's my phone call.

Put him on loudspeaker. Oh, give him to me.

- No, I'm talking to him. Please. - I'm gonna put him on loudspeaker.

Peter, hi, it's Emma.

Now, listen, Stewart says this really is the strategy.

We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake.

In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave,

we'd have been pissing on it.

If we start point-scoring now,

we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.

Well, weasily done.

- Sorry? - It's weasily done.

- It's a joke. - That was a joke?

Tell Stewart I'm not doing it.

Tell him bollocks to it. Tell him to fuck off.

Tell Stewart to...

Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it?

Yeah, yeah, not actually fuck off.

Just make an excuse. Pretty it up, but when you...

When you do tell him, make sure that he knows

reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off,

but you're prettying it up.

Look, I really need to go to the toilet right now.

Right, Peter, listen, that's fine.

You go and do that, and we'll just call you back when you've finished.

No, no, I'll call you. You won't know when I'm finished.

Okay, well, good luck with it.

Yeah, thanks, Phil.

Think of it as a sort of legacy.

PHIL: Logacy.

I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning

on the failures in the immigration system,

making a big speech.

Yeah, Peter, we were there.

You know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol,

and then Gordon Ramsay walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.

Yeah, well, what can I say?

It got the PM so rattled he was forced to resign before I opened my mouth,

so I thought you might be interested in an exclusive?

On the massive, and I do mean massive, failure in the system, I mean...

- Line two. ...the databases are simply not...

- Yeah, Peter... - Who is it?

Peter, hi, sorry, listen,

I'm going to have to pass you on to one of my top people.

Angela Heaney, I think you know her.

I've just got a picture editor, I'm working to deadlines here.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Peter! Peter?

Hi, it's Emma.

- Oh, hi, Emma. - Oh, sorry. You're on the phone. Sorry.

I thought it was Kate Winslet. She generally pops round about now.

Peter, hi, it's Angela Heaney.

Hi, look, Angela, can I call you back?

Yeah, fine.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Hello? - Ah, Peter. Stewart.

Oh, hi, Stewart. A double-whammy. Emma here and you in my ear.

Yeah, can you put me on speaker?

I've no idea.

You're young. Can this go on speaker?

Oh, yes, give it here.

- Stewart? We got him. - Thanks, Emma.

Peter, we need you to go on News 24, like Phil asked,

and to say nice things about the PM.

If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters?

Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off

by reading European tax law amendments?

No way! No way!

We do not slag off Tom. We want Tom in.

Tom is our big, fat, socially dysfunctional swing-voter-repellent,

golden weirdo ticket.

Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter?

I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends

on the fingers of, like... of my father's right hand.

Dan Miller is thinking of standing. That's what I'm hearing.

Yeah... Oh, sorry, just a minute. Just a minute.

Mark! Mark!

When I say I want you to CC JB on everything to do with these interviews,

I do mean everything,

not just the things that you think are important.

I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark.

That's why my wife left me.

JB doesn't want Dan Miller. He's too young, and he's too witty,

whereas Tom looks 92, and he's about as funny as Norman Wisdom.

We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hmm?

Oh, has the conch been passed? Can I talk now?

You have the talking stick.

- I won't do News 24. - Peter, you really need to do News 24.

I'll do Radio 4, The World Tonight.

That way, I can stay here and do it on the end of a phone.

Fine. Emma, give him the bullet points to hit

and I'll set things up this end.

Will do. Will do, Stewart.

Can we have Phil over, as well? I like Phil.

What, you don't like me?

Of course I like you. I like and fear and mistrust you.

Joke.

Kind of.

PETER: While I've disagreed with the Prime Minister on matters of policy...

I believe he will be judged by history as a man of conviction, a statesman.

Oh, statesman! Bingo! They love it when you talk all statesman to them.

...the sniping that's coming from factions within his own government

at the moment, I think, demeans them

and, more to the point, demeans politics.

This is lovely, Em. Listen and learn.

You see, he can still do it, if you poke him with a stick.

INTERVIEWER: That announcement that you were due to make about immigration,

your press conference was somewhat upstaged...

Uh, no, no, no. Emma, Emma, stop him. Stop him. Write him a card.

You, not Phil.

Phil will have him reading out of the bloody Hobbit.

PETER: The immigration system, the most acute of which

was a computer system which was simply not fit for purpose.

What's he doing? This is completely off-piece.

...simply a rough guide for terrorism.

INTERVIEWER: Can you tell us, how do you rectify that?

Create an independent body. Stop it being the sorry political football...

Political football? Great! What is this?

Jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest Political Cliches?

But why is Zippy still talking?

Emma, zip him! Zip him!

It would mean porous borders, unchecked immigration...

STEWART: Before he moves on to rivers of blood, Emma,

find a kitchen implement and start cutting bits of him off

until he just shuts up!

I know for a fact that the prospective new Prime Minister

is in complete agreement with him.

Right, that's it. I'm coming over there. Now. Yeah. With an axe.

No, no, no, I want all of them, but I'll pick them up when I get back.

Yeah, okay. Thanks. Thanks.

(SIGHING) Sorry. Sorry, Peter, where were we?

Well, I think you were in the middle of telling me off,

and I was wondering if it was bedtime yet.

You're really not getting the seriousness of this, are you, Peter?

Briefing the press on the immigration figures is...

Well, it's a resigning issue.

I'm not doing it.

I was on the radio, as you know. I did the... the thing...

Yeah, I heard that.

Anything else is not me.

And that's where the defence rests, is it?

I'm supposed to believe that?

I'm not doing it, and I don't...

I can't be arsed to lie with you.

I don't give a rat's fart what you think.

Okay.

All right, well, if it's not you, then who is it?

Well, if it's not us, the opposition, then by process of elimination,

I'd say it'd have to be them, the government.

Now pass me my deerstalker and pipe and violin and opium.

- Oh, tee and hee. - What?

You are negatively affecting our profile, Peter.

- That's my point. And the fallout... - Oh, come on, Stewart.

Wake up, for God's sake. No one's taking any notice of us.

We've got to stamp and shout and throw bricks and wave our chap around

to even get a hint of recognition from the press.

(SIGHING)

There's absolutely no common ground here, is there?

- No. - Um...

Look, I've got to take a slash. Can I use your bathroom?

It's upstairs, second on the left.

Oh, no, it's... There's a thing... I'll show you.

What, you have instructions to a bathroom?

What? I piss, I flush, I wash, I leave. What do I need?

PETER: Do you never stop talking?

STEWART: Well, sometimes I stop talking.

- I sleep. - Yeah.

Don't get cocaine on the towel.

And don't slam the door shut.

The builders haven't put the handle back on,

and you'd get locked in, okay?

Peter, you appear to have a car radio attached to your bath.

What... Hey, Peter, have you pimped your tub?

Is that so you can lie in the bath and slit your wrists

to the sound of the Today programme, hmm?

Oh, very funny, Peter.

Peter! I mean it, Peter, open the door!

Peter!

You are...

You're a pathetic, bloody infant, Peter! Open the...

Open the door! Open the door now!

I will not be imprisoned!

Do you understand? Open the door!

Yeah, yeah, okay. Okay, it's open. It's open.

Sorry. Sorry, I was just...

Don't you ever, I mean ever, ever pull a stunt on me like that again!

Do you understand?

I was just messing about. I couldn't resist it.

So I suppose you're not a fan of those bloopers type shows, are you?

No.

REPORTER: Are you on your way to make an announcement about possible standings?

MAN: That's something I'm not really prepared...

Phil, switch over. We haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.

No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit.

Is it just me, or does Noel Gallagher getting older

look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Who's that? - It's Peter.

Hi.

Something's happened.

Something's happened.

- Phil, let me talk to him. - No, I'll do it, it's fine.

For fuck's sake, Ollie, it's five in the morning.

What are you... I didn't order a male massage.

Just, I need something, that's all. Sorry... A bit of an issue came up.

There's a number of basically important things... I need some policy items.

I want to talk to you about urban regeneration.

And also, what is the cheese situation in the house?

Cheese?

It's for Malcolm because he's a bit mousy.

He's come for cheese? This is fucking priceless.

- No... - Malcolm has sent you to get cheese.

No, no, the government has sent me to get cheese, Phil.

I'm getting to... It's all hands to the pump over there.

- The cheese pump? - Yeah, no...

No. Cheese is just part of an emerging political landscape, Emma.

- Of course! Of course it is, Ollie. - I'm not fucking Bernard Ingham.

Well, I really don't understand politics,

but you can see why people don't vote.

Peter, if it was a joke, explain to him what a joke is.

I mean, does he not realise?

Well, I did... I kept trying to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.

He kept going on about false imprisonment,

like he was Solzhenitsyn or Terry Waite.

Look, he can't fire you over a prank. It just looks ridiculous.

Are you talking to Beadle?

Is Beadle coming into the shadow cabinet now, is he?

Fuck off! Emma, get Dairy Queen out of my face.

I'm developing a media strategy. This is high-level shit.

- (LAUGHING) Yeah. - EMMA: It's not funny.

It's quite funny.

I think the news is spreading. I'm gonna have to call you back. Bye.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Dude!

Listen, stop floating me.

What, so it's off?

Giving that plummy twat our cheddar?

Look, he's just having a bit of cheese...

Let's at least poison it or rub our balls on it or something.

I'm going to need some spin control on this, though, Ollie,

so do you want to be my guy?

Not the Prime Minister's guy, but a regular... a normal guy's guy.

PHIL: Ah. I live for this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Thank you. Everything's fine. I'm still within the heart of government.

- Big department and everything. - Cheese department?

- Fuck you, Phil. - Don't take it all, for Christ's sake.

It's all right. Let him have it.

This one's got port in there, as well. I wanted that.

Well, that's incredibly generous of you. I'll... I'll...

Look, he's the cheese monitor. Leave him alone.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Have the fucking port, Phil!

Got it. Fine.

Off you go with your cheese, Mr Ocado Delivery Boy.

BEN ON RADIO: I've always been fiercely opposed, fiercely, to racism...

(LAUGHING)

... and discrimination. Always had an exemplary record in this regard.

I can assure you of one thing, I certainly won't be resigning.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Morning. - EMMA: Have you seen The Mail?

Um, no, I haven't. I'm under 40 and I have a penis. Why?

They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers.

Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.

OLLIE: What? Me? I'm in it?

You look very, very pasty and about nine.

OLLIE: Am I a winner or a loser? EMMA: You are a loser.

I'm a loser? For fuck's sake.

BEN ON RADIO: I have the full support...

God, is that Ben on Today in the background? Oh...

You can even hear him blinking on the radio.

This is absolute bollocks. I'm not supposed to be in the paper.

I'm just, you know... It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it?

It's fucking ridiculous.

EMMA: Oh, come on, it's only The Mail. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's The Daily Mail but, you know, my mum gets The Mail.

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