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1
00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:02,039
(Terri) Can I cancel the subscription?
2
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,040
Actually, he's dead. I've got to go.
Can I take it that it's cancelled? Thank you.
3
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:10,159
I'm the Minister for fucking Social Affairs.
Hugh Abbot.
4
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:13,160
Could you explain to these people
I'm the reason why they're here?
5
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:16,919
(Terri) Sorry about that.
(Hugh) Amazing place.
6
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,559
(Terri) Welcome back.
(Hugh) Thank you.
7
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,559
It's ironic, we're both back on the same day.
8
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,560
Although your reasons for being away
were more important than mine.
9
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,599
- Just a frivolous holiday.
- No, no...
10
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:30,600
It was fantastic, though. Italy.
You can't go wrong with Italy.
11
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,640
- But how are you?
- Really upset and sad about it.
12
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,600
- That your father had died.
- My father had died.
13
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,319
Anyway...erm...
14
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,079
- Shall we...?
- We're upstairs.
15
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,199
..get a bit ofa wiggle on. Yes.
16
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,200
- So, this is like a sort ofgoverning mall.
- There's actually quite a few problems here.
17
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,280
- The e-mail system isn't working.
- Oh.
18
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,920
- And the intelligent ventilation...
- Intelligent ventilation?
19
00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,080
What we've got is a wind tunnel
up in the Asylum Directorate.
20
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:02,679
Don't let any ofthose out as Diary stories.
21
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,680
- This is us.
- Right. A bit too light and airy for my liking.
22
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,599
Ooh...and these are awful.
23
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,600
Do we have to have those?
They look like Alicia's Barbie furniture.
24
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,080
- Do you think they match?
- Not ifyou wear that dress.
25
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,160
One ofthem's going to have to go
and I'd rather it was the sofas.
26
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,839
- Is this us?
- Yes, this is actually you.
27
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,840
- (Glenn) Isn't that David Dickinson?
- Ooh, nice tan!
28
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,600
I can't take all the credit, the sun did the work.
29
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,400
- There's not much privacy.
- It doesn't matter. We're moving upstairs.
30
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,960
- It's going to be hard to shoot up in there.
- Yeah, yeah, that's true.
31
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,720
- This is so poky.
- We're not here long enough for it to matter.
32
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:42,759
It might interest you.
33
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,760
The date for your appearance
before the Education Select Committee.
34
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,839
- It's tomorrow.
- Oh, great!
35
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,159
Oh, that is great.
Yes, welcome home, Hugh.
36
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,159
Couldn't you have pushed it back a week?
37
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,879
Given me something cushy
for my first week back?
38
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,719
A couple oflunches or a fact finder to Dublin?
39
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,720
- That's the date they gave me.
- You can't change Select Committee dates.
40
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,400
Oh, can't you? How did Liam get his changed
so he could go to the Test match?
41
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,120
It's going to be like sitting on a crate
having chicken shit sprayed over me.
42
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,040
I mean, why do we want to close down
schools for kids with special needs?
43
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,040
It's the one thing
that I really, really, actually do not want to do.
44
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,000
And yet, bizarrely, I am the person
most intimately involved in doing it.
45
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:26,039
Robyn, go and see IT
about the e-mail problem.
46
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,519
Please. That'd be great.
47
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,520
So now Terri's back, I just get all the dull stuff.
Is that right?
48
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,960
- Pretty much, yes.
- Oh, well, right. Yeah, well, ofcourse.
49
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,399
Well, I'll see you later.
50
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,400
Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your,
you know, particular interest, I can't do this.
51
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:47,680
You know my views. Inclusion is an illusion.
It doesn't work.
52
00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,719
- But you don't mind ifI go with it?
- Ofcourse not.
53
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,720
You know, look, you're only following orders.
54
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,160
So you won't make me feel bad except by
comparing me to a concentration camp guard?
55
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:00,799
Right.
56
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,800
Now, tomorrow.
Select Committee, that's Ballentine, isn't it?
57
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,440
- Who wants to go and watch bollockvision?
- Bollockvision?
58
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:11,640
Mr Malcolm Tucker, turning it
all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby.
59
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,480
- (Malcolm shouting)
- (Hugh) Poor Keith!
60
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,599
You should have discussed it.
61
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,559
Malcolm must love this.
Four ministers in one building.
62
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,199
It's his dream. A one-stop bollock-shop.
63
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:26,200
Trouble is, we're going to be
getting some ofthat in about an hour.
64
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,880
Which is worse? Watching him
rumble towards you like prostate cancer,
65
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,520
or him appearing suddenly out ofnowhere,
like a severe stroke.
66
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,960
Oh... How's your sister coping?
67
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,880
So, Hugh, this new word, ''Citizenship''.
Did the PM actually outline what it entails?
68
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,760
To be honest, I think he was
making the reshuffle up as he went along.
69
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,320
We were lucky that citizenship
was the first word that sprang to mind.
70
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,000
We could be in the Department
for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
71
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,280
The problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been
a bit ofa rush, with you not in place,
72
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,640
every department trying to unload
all the stuffthat they didn't want.
73
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,800
It's been like
somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall,
74
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,840
shouting, ''Bring out your shit'',
and it's ended up at our door.
75
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,439
So what are we getting?
76
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,440
Citizenship basically involves
cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas,
77
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:18,439
rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak,
78
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,440
some crap from Health
about long-term care for the elderly,
79
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,039
that neither they nor we have any idea about.
80
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,159
And what to do with the Isle ofMan.
81
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,160
Just what I fucking need.
Five new ways to lose my job.
82
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,119
Where did that come from?
83
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,120
- Oh, Malcolm sent that.
- It's far too big. Why did he send it?
84
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,559
Office warming present.
85
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,119
- So why did he send us a present?
- I don't know.
86
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:45,120
- Has Security checked this?
- What for? Tiny little terrorists?
87
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,639
- Yes.
- It's a plant. Yes?
88
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,679
So...citizenshit.
89
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,680
What we need is some nice, touchy-feely,
fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra policies.
90
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,200
New bicycles for special constables,
that sort ofthing?
91
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,400
- Yeah.
- Making special needs kids clean up graffiti.
92
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,999
That's just very mean.
93
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,000
Well, yes. Not, ofcourse, as mean as making
them spell graffiti. That genuinely is mean.
94
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,679
- I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
- OK.
95
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,279
You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.
96
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,359
- Why?
- Glenn's boy, Peter.
97
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,360
He went to a special needs school.
98
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,239
Oh.
99
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,079
Yep.
100
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:28,080
- Glenn's had sex.
- God, you're such a prick, Olly.
101
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,760
There's more to life than drinks
at the Foreign Office
102
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,559
and Nick Robinson's number
on your Blackberry.
103
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,599
All right, fine. Sorry, Hugh.
104
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,600
I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend
with special needs once, so I know.
105
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,679
Luckily, I was able to fulfil them.
106
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,999
Oh, God, you're such a....
107
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,799
- Haircut?
- Chemo. Nob.
108
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,199
- So, did you enjoy the show?
- Magnificent, darling.
109
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,200
Should I phone Keith, so I can get his team
to watch you bollock me now?
110
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,159
No, no. Have I got my bollocking face on?
111
00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,160
- Well...
- No, this is my bollocking face.
112
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,280
Oh, crikey, yes.
Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.
113
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,319
- Did I send that?
- As an office warming present.
114
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,759
Christ, she's a great PA, isn't she, Sam?
115
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,760
- Yes.
- She always remembers the little people.
116
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,800
Look at the size ofthat.
You could crucify somebody on that.
117
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,639
So, what do you think ofthe new building, eh?
118
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,039
I can't wait to move upstairs, actually.
119
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,040
I don't like the glass walls on this floor.
I just feel a bit exposed.
120
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,479
Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.
121
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,480
Glenn, it's Olly. He wants you to go through
and clarify the Citizenship brief.
122
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,720
- How much, love?
- Sorry?
123
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,759
- OK, I'm on it.
- I'll catch you later.
124
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,760
I like the tan, by the way.
Have you declared it?
125
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,280
- Staying at the villa ofan influential friend.
- I haven't got any influential friends.
126
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,040
- You are my only influential friend.
- And I'm not really your friend.
127
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,639
And you're not really my friend.
128
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,640
- So, this Super Schools Bill...
- Yep.
129
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,999
You don't think it's so super, do you?
130
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,000
- You're doing it now.
- What?
131
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,039
That's your bollocking face.
132
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:06,040
You know, it's great that you get all misty eyed
over Glenn's kid.
133
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,880
But no one's trying to fuck over
special needs kids.
134
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,799
R...Really?
135
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,800
Before I went away,
I consulted an expert, Mark Ryan.
136
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,240
The LSE education guy? And what did
that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?
137
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,399
Closing down special needs schools
138
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,400
and putting needy kids
into mainstream education is a lousy idea.
139
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,960
- I've got an expert who will deny that.
- SEN parents want the schools kept open.
140
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,640
Yeah, well, my expert
would totally oppose that.
141
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,280
- Who is your expert?
- No idea, but I can get one by this afternoon.
142
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,760
You have spoken to the wrong expert.
You've got to ask the right expert.
143
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,600
You've got to know what an expert's
going to advise before he advises.
144
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,080
Hugh, whether you like this or not,
you are going to have to promote this Bill.
145
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:55,560
So what I'm going to do is,
I'm going to get you another expert.
146
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,799
OK.
147
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,439
But surely, Mr Smedley,
148
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,440
inclusion has been shown
to fail the most vulnerable SEN children.
149
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,320
When inclusion's done badly, yes.
Yes, you get bad results. That's a given.
150
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,959
Inclusion is an illusion.
151
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,960
Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying
that when the special schools do get it right,
152
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:19,080
that the parents ofSEN children
absolutely fucking flock to...
153
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,000
- You spoke to Mark Ryan?
- Yeah, well, some expert advice.
154
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:26,319
- Expert advice from Mark Ryan?
- Yeah.
155
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,320
- You have a problem with Ryan?
- In educational circles, he's a joke.
156
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,879
- That's another given.
- Is it?
157
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,359
- (E-mail alert)
- Ah, sorry.
158
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:37,360
It's just that I'm expecting something
quite important.
159
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,840
- Is our e-mail up and running?
- No. No, no, this is my hotmail.
160
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,120
Sorry, can you excuse me just erm...
161
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,559
(Smedley) We live in an inclusive society.
162
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:54,560
- We all rub shoulders together, Mr Cullen?
- Indeed.
163
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,960
- Let's not let the Ryans ofthis world create...
- Sorry?
164
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,320
..apartheid for children. The alternative
is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools.
165
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,319
The minister won't be a moment.
166
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,759
(Olly) Good spot for a suicide, I would think.
167
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,079
Good long drop, appreciative audience.
168
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,519
What ifyou just broke your back?
169
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,479
It'd leave you paralysed for life,
170
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,480
and you'd still be depressed
about the thing that was depressing you.
171
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,320
- What are these hangy-down things?
- (Olly) Acoustic baffles.
172
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,839
They stop it getting too echoey.
173
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,840
So when you break your back,
nobody can hear you screaming.
174
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,000
Well, that is the kind ofattention to detail
that you get in a PFI building.
175
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,040
Hey! Get back to work, all ofyou!
176
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,960
Right, I'm offto Number Ten for this
Cabinet summit with the PM and Education,
177
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,359
try and swing this Bill around.
178
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,199
Now, ifit drags on
can you phone my home and tell Kate?
179
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,200
She doesn't watch rolling news
because she's a normal human being.
180
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,319
(Parody accent)
Yes, massah, I's a good slave!
181
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,320
- Can I say, that manner...
- Something catastrophic has happened!
182
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,919
Whoa! What's going on?
183
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,920
I've just had a phone call from a man.
He's got a child, he lives in Reigate.
184
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,240
This child, she is called Glenn,
after Glenn Close, and her surname is Cullen.
185
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,079
She's Glenn Cullen.
186
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,080
And this morning, apparently, in her in...
187
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,960
In the e-mail tray, she got a note,
188
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,719
and it used these words. ''Christ'',
189
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,599
and ''cunt''.
190
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,239
And apparently I sent it.
191
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,240
- No!
- Anybody could use that computer.
192
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:31,560
- Hugh, Glenn says can you head over?
- Yes, I must, I must...
193
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,600
Olly was using it. Olly was using it earlier.
194
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,760
Did you send an e-mail, Olly, about me,
calling me a cunt?
195
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,400
No. No, I never use that word,
let alone about you. No. Absolutely.
196
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,839
I won't use it until it's been fully normalised
197
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,840
and has no further association
with the female twat.
198
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,639
- It was you!
- We'll get to the bottom ofthis.
199
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:54,640
I've got to go offto Number Ten,
but I absolutely give you my word.
200
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,519
Look.
201
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,679
Hugh...
202
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:01,680
No, I didn't get any e-mail about Roy Smedley.
Was it funny?
203
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,640
Kind of. It was a bit sweary.
204
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:07,639
At least he's served his purpose.
205
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,359
We've now got
some very useful material to trot out
206
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,360
in case My Bloody Ballentine wants to know
207
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,960
why you've done a U-turn
in favour ofinclusion.
208
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,359
But I haven't.
209
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,360
I'm going to take a fucking stand.
I'm buggered ifI let you down now.
210
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,840
I'm going to go in to the PM
and tell him straight up, this bill is bollocks.
211
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,800
- No, you're not.
- No, I'm not, but it would be great ifI did.
212
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:33,680
- Another little bit ofmy soul chipped away.
- Don't worry about it.
213
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,880
(Frantic stonewalling)
214
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,520
Hugh, the Guardian web site
has broken the e-mail thing.
215
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:46,240
In the final edition, here, ofthe Standard
216
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,959
I am suddenly a major news story.
217
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,999
Sweary Woman OfWhitehall.
218
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,000
Sweary Woman OfWhitehall. A pun.
It's not really punning on anything, is it?
219
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,040
How do you appear out ofnowhere
in a building made ofglass?
220
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,480
I'm a shape shifter.
I don't need this, get this fucking sorted.
221
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,639
What is wrong with you?
Having a nervous breakdown?
222
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,639
Get on top ofit, OK? You will see me again.
223
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,519
I don't want this, Hugh.
I don't want to be the story.
224
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,520
The Sun are running a cartoon
with you being arrested by a const-able.
225
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,320
- Olly, don't be such a bastard.
- Hey, whoa, turd tonsils.
226
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,520
That's quite enough ofthat, Olly.
Just knock it off, OK.
227
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,480
Terri, Terri, come with me. Come here.
228
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,920
Just fucking act your age.
We've had enough ofyour puerile influence.
229
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,399
Actually, I think I might have an idea about...
230
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,400
Just...just tell me, truthfully,
231
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,959
did you send that e-mail?
232
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,960
No, I didn't.
233
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,480
And you know I didn't.
234
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,280
- What? I'm sorry? Are you inferring...
- Implying.
235
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,480
- You're implying that...it was me?
- Hmm.
236
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,600
(Whispering) I saw you, Hugh. I saw you do it.
237
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,960
(Floor creaking)
238
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,959
It...it was for Glenn, for our Glenn.
239
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,960
To amuse him when that prick man was in his
office, and I just typed in the wrong address.
240
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,000
- It was a genuine mistake.
- I didn't really see you. I was bluffing.
241
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,280
That doesn't bode well
for your Select Committee performance.
242
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,440
I knew you were bluffing.
I admitted it because it's the right thing to do.
243
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,760
Not because you'd caught me out.
And I caught you out,
244
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,679
cos you lied about seeing me do it.
245
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,719
So, how do you like them apples?
246
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,720
- Are you going to admit to this publicly?
- What?
247
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,120
No! Are you mad? I can't do that.
That mustn't happen. You've got...
248
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,480
- I need you to...to...to...
- What? To lie?
249
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,520
It was Derrida who said
there is no such thing as empirical truth.
250
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,200
I'll tell you what Derrida said.
He said, ''Go fuck your face, Abbot!''
251
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,280
You need to mind your language.
It will keep getting you into trouble.
252
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,239
I can't even get out ofthe fucking room!
253
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,159
(Terri) Excuse me.
254
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,160
Now to the meat ofthe Committee's interest.
255
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,680
You've made quite a U-turn on SEN schools,
have you not, Minister?
256
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,919
Why have you sold out?
257
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,919
Sold out?
That's rather an emotive way ofputting it.
258
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,920
But you are on record as having been
in opposition to the policy ofinclusion.
259
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,040
No, it's just that times have changed
and I have reassessed the landscape.
260
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,680
We now have the funding for academies which
will have two behaviour support teachers.
261
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,080
- These Super Schools will offer skill clusters...
- But we're not interested in that.
262
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,800
What the Committee are curious about
is how it is that you've changed your mind,
263
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,879
given your opposition to these policies
in the past.
264
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,880
- Did you seek specialist advice?
- Well, naturally. I sought expert advice.
265
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,279
Yes. Who?
266
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,199
- Roy Smedley.
- And?
267
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,200
And...he was very good.
268
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,000
And his was the only advice you took?
269
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,520
You saw only one expert?
270
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,880
Yes.
271
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,999
And you thought that was enough? Just one?
272
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,000
- I tried to find somebody different.
- And did you succeed?
273
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,279
- No.
- No one?
274
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,280
No.
275
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,680
- How was that?
- I lied to the Select Committee. I lied.
276
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,640
- Is Tucker in the building?
- Malcolm In The Middle.
277
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,800
It's what they're calling him.
He can stand in the atrium and shout.
278
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,360
I don't want to see him. I can't take
one ofhis scenes from The Exorcist just now.
279
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,519
- I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.
- Oh, no?
280
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,520
Well, why did she keep asking,
''Just one expert? Only one?
281
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,760
''Less than three, but not two?'' Fucking bitch!
282
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,800
She's trying to throw you offbalance,
like a Sumo wrestler.
283
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,679
It worked.
I was on the floor, in a fucking nappy.
284
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,839
Oh, shit, it's Malcolm.
285
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,840
- A man in his 50s, hiding.
- Look, he's gone. Hugh, come out.
286
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,479
Get it in perspective. It's not a major lie.
287
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,480
It's not like you were selling naval secrets
down a gay club.
288
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,600
- Why does he never laugh with me like that?
- (Olly) Lack ofclick?
289
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,480
- I thought I was a professional press officer.
- I don't know.
290
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,799
It just is absolute hell.
291
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,079
- Hi.
- Oh, hello.
292
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,080
- How is the...
- I'm actually in a bit ofa state here.
293
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:31,639
Yeah. I know.
294
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,239
Something cropped up
that we need to talk about,
295
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:37,240
and then afterwards
you can get on with whatever... You know.
296
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,480
- Don't you think that I'm due a bit ofsupport?
- Yes, I do, I do. Absolutely.
297
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,440
But my Committee thing is actually
a bigger deal than your...sweary thing.
298
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,320
So, you know...it just is.
299
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,359
- Hi, Malcolm.
- Were you hiding just now?
300
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,759
No.
301
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,760
Terri, you're giving a press conference
in 90 minutes. You're going to apologise.
302
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,599
There's your statement. Learn it.
303
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,039
Erm...I organise the press conferences.
304
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,199
- I don't give them, normally.
- Oh, God!
305
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,200
As you're not used to this,
I'll go through it for you. What happens is this.
306
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,400
A bunch ofpress people appear. They have
things called cameras and microphones,
307
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,959
and mobile phones, hangovers and bad breath.
308
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,960
Then you are going to walk out and read
from what we call a prepared statement.
309
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,919
In that, you will say,
310
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,920
''I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like
a hairy arsed docker after 12 pints.
311
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,840
''I promise that I will never call
an eight-year-old girl a cunt again.
312
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,520
''Can we now just draw a line over this
and fucking move on? Thank you.''
313
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,599
Everybody goes home
and we see what happens.
314
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,600
Best case is you keep your job, although you
will be The Sweary Woman ofWhitehall.
315
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,960
This first Mark Ryan meeting
would be in the diary.
316
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,200
Do you want us to see ifwe could
post that down the memory hole?
317
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,359
- I mean, diaries do get lost, don't they?
- Well, yes.
318
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,360
- We've lost a few diaries in our time.
- Well, erm...
319
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,599
Listen, do it subtly.
I don't want to know about it.
320
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,879
- I mean, do it, but don't tell me.
- OK.
321
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,679
- Do I know?
- Yeah. No. I don't know.
322
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,239
- Do I?
- Don't... You sort it out.
323
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,639
Do I know?
324
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,640
Sort it out but don't tell me
because I don't want to know.
325
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,760
I don't think you quite get it.
My life is in tatters.
326
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,800
Nobody will speak to me at my daughter's
school. Why should I lie for Hugh?
327
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,280
Because it's your job to make him look good.
328
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,319
What kind ofa PR person are you, anyway?
329
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,799
I mean, look. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
330
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,599
Are you going to take a bad story
and make it worse?
331
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,639
You say, ''Oh, hi there, everyone.
332
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,640
''I know this looks bad,
but wait till you hear this.
333
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,800
''It was actually the Minister for Social Affairs
and Citizenship who called a child a cunt.
334
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,919
''There you are, it is worse than we thought.''
335
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,920
Ifyou were to go out there and tell the truth,
336
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,079
it would be morally repugnant.
337
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,439
Because you would be condemning
338
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,440
a guy who's doing his fucking best
to try and make things better.
339
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,959
You'd be condemning him to the scrapheap.
340
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,319
(Terri) Right...
(Malcolm) OK?
341
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,679
- Yes.
- Good girl. Get Robyn, she'll help you.
342
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,359
Robyn, can you help her go over her lines?
343
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,360
It was interesting,
watching you talking about the truth,
344
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,600
because I had a similar problem today,
funnily enough.
345
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:13,479
Really?
346
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,480
At the Committee, I didn't...
Well, unwittingly, I didn't tell the entire truth.
347
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,679
- You lied? To Claire Ballentine?
- Yeah.
348
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,199
Does she know?
349
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,200
- I don't think so. She couldn't possibly.
- That doesn't matter, then.
350
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,960
I lied to the Select Committee.
It's like lying to the House.
351
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,240
Yeah, I know. But ifshe doesn't know,
then it doesn't matter, Hugh.
352
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,000
Excuse me, but I can't be fielding calls.
I have got a lot oflines to learn.
353
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,960
It's Ballentine's office. They want
Departmental diaries from the last 12 weeks.
354
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,519
- Shit!
- She's on to us, she must be.
355
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,479
- Why else...
- Have you got the diaries?
356
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,079
Yes, in a sense.
357
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,080
Olly might be doing something with the diaries
I don't know about because he hasn't told me.
358
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:58,040
Well, you get him to undo
what you don't know he's doing.
359
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:01,080
- I can't. I don't know he's doing it.
- Hugh, go and get Olly and Glenn in here.
360
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,440
This is serious.
You have lied to a Select Committee.
361
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,159
- I told you that.
- That's like lying to the House.
362
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,799
- That's what I said.
- They're on to you!
363
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,679
- Yes!
- Jesus Christ!
364
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,680
- Malcolm, do you think this is too bright?
- It's too bright.
365
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,040
Can you please, Robyn, go to the Sketchley
concession and get my grey suit? Now.
366
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,440
Do I look ten?
Do I look like I'm on some bloody...
367
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,480
Please, just do it. Get the suit.
368
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,719
- Can I have the money?
- Don't you get paid?
369
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:30,799
Have you got the diaries?
370
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,279
- Yes.
- I don't know.
371
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,280
- We've not shredded anything.
- I don't want to hear this.
372
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,760
Hugh, take your fingers
out ofyour fucking ears.
373
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,800
You're going to go to the Committee tomorrow
and you're going to apologise.
374
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,920
I'll tell them I forgot. Forgetting's
an involuntary thing. It's like farting.
375
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:48,719
(Rapping on glass)
376
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,919
(Terri) Malcolm!
377
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,920
- What?
- You were meant to be dealing with me.
378
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,480
The worst that can happen to you
is you'll lose your job.
379
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,119
- I'm going to lose my reputation.
- Oh, just grow up.
380
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:03,120
- You should be doing the growing up.
- I am a fucking grown-up.
381
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,280
- You could have fooled me!
- Glenn's son could have fooled you.
382
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,959
No offence, Glenn.
383
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,960
You two get the paper trail sorted
and get your story sorted out.
384
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,319
I'm sorry, can you stop swearing?
385
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,320
I'm really sorry. You won't hear any more
swearing from us, you massive, gay shite!
386
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,119
Fuck off!
387
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,120
Right, how are you doing
in sorting out whether he lied or not?
388
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,159
- Pretty well.
- Is that a lie?
389
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,919
- Yeah.
- That is not fucking funny, you retard.
390
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,759
I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just...
391
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,760
Here she comes.
392
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,439
(Hugh) That fucking sofa!
393
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,440
I would like to offer
mysincere and unreserved apologies
394
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,760
for the terrible outrage
caused by the e-mail that I sent.
395
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,400
It was never meant to be read
by anybody other than the intended recipient.
396
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,399
- I understand that the...
- Oh, for...
397
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,519
- What the hell's he...
- Twat!
398
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,559
..language I used in the e-mail...
399
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,560
He doesn't realise
that ifyou walk in front ofthe camera...
400
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,800
..like that in an internal
departmental conversation,
401
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:13,079
or any conversation.
402
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,080
I wish I had neversent the e-mail,
403
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,600
and indeed, I find it hard to believe that I did.
404
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,039
Whoa, she's gone offscript here.
405
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,479
Fucking hell, Terri, what...?
406
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,480
..momentarylapse in restraint...and that...
407
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,279
- OK, we're back on track.
- Thank God.
408
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,280
..and I wish to apologise that I've let down
409
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,000
the electorate, the minister, my colleagues,
410
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:44,120
- my own family...
- (Glenn) Even though halfofthem are dead.
411
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,999
..and indeed, the voters ofthe future...
412
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,799
- Our children.
- ..our children.
413
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,319
Now get off.
414
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,320
Brilliant, Malcolm.
Fucking stunning. Well done, mate.
415
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,960
OK, we've got to get upstairs and start
rehearsing for tomorrow's Select Committee.
416
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,640
I'm never going to get out of
this fucking building, am I?
417
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,800
Do you remember when I came
to see Peter's concert at his school?
418
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,160
His face? The pride he had when he played?
419
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:13,479
- His face etched in my memory.
- Yeah?
420
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,119
Fucking unbearable.
421
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,120
That's why I needed Malcolm's expert
to try and wipe it from my mind.
422
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,320
- It hasn't really worked, though.
- Hugh, mate, don't panic.
423
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,920
You'll manage. Just do what you have to do.
Whatever you have to do, do it.
424
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:30,360
Just make sure that you don't get sweat
on your upper lip. It makes you look guilty.
425
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,799
- What am I supposed to do?
- I've no idea.
426
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,800
But ifyou sweat,
it makes your face look like Spam.
427
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,160
It has come to the Committee's notice
that you did not see just one special adviser,
428
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:45,240
as you told us in your previous appearance,
but two.
429
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,159
Why did you omit to mention that fact?
430
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,160
Yes, I apologise unreservedly
for that oversight.
431
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,160
- I forgot.
- Are you forgetful generally?
432
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,480
Well, it's hard to know...
erm...how forgetful one is.
433
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:04,080
You'd have to remember all the things
you'd remembered and forgotten.
434
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,239
And how could I remember
what I've forgotten,
435
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,679
because I've forgotten it by definition?
436
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,680
I'm pretty good. IfI see a picture ofthe Queen,
I can put a name to a face.
437
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,520
And ifI see a movie, I don't sit there, going,
''Who's that one? The copper or the pirate?''
438
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,680
So you just accidentally told a slight untruth?
439
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,000
I... My statement was unintentionally
not a truthful statement.
440
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,160
- I...I...I slightly misled...
- You completely misled.
441
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,520
I misled the Committee
and I have apologised for that.
442
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,519
Are you lying now about not lying before?
443
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,520
Erm...no. I am not a liar.
444
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,560
I categorically did not
knowingly...not tell the truth.
445
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,560
Even though unknowingly
I might not have done.
446
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,520
In fact, I wanted to come back
and apologise to the Committee...
447
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,720
Glad to be ofservice,
but you didn't want to come back, Minister.
448
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,279
You were told to come back.
449
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,280
The last thing in the world you wanted was
to come back, given how busy you have been.
450
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,640
Interestingly enough, we do notice from your
diaries that your meeting with Roy Smedley
451
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,040
seems to have taken place at almost the same
time as the notorious sweary e-mail was sent.
452
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,480
And I was in that meeting,
so I couldn't possibly have sent it.
453
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,240
I wasn't suggesting...
It was your ChiefPress Officer.
454
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,159
Yes, it was. And her father's just died.
455
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,679
I'm sorry to hear that.
No one was suggesting...
456
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,680
No, no, and quite right, too.
But you know what people are like.
457
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,999
Going back to my, erm...initial concern,
458
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,000
it would now seem that the two meetings you
had with the two special education advisers
459
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,440
provided you with two opposing verdicts
on this particular issue.
460
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,519
Yet you came up with one.
461
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,520
So would it be therefore true to say that the
Government is intent on pushing this through
462
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,119
regardless ofwhat anyone says?
463
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:55,120
No. We wanted two opinions
because we wanted to start a debate.
464
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,160
Not much ofa debate ifyou ignore one
and just go with the other.
465
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:02,360
It's a personal thing, but ifgovernment
isn't personal, then what the hell is it?
466
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,560
My senior adviser, Glenn Cullen,
467
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,720
has a son, his name is Peter,
468
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,640
and he has special educational needs.
469
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,160
Glenn obviously wouldn't say anything
about it. He's far too professional.
470
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,080
But I had the privilege ofgoing down
with Glenn to Peter's SEN school,
471
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:28,760
and watched Peter playing the trombone
in the school orchestra.
472
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,559
It wasn't very good.
473
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,560
Erm... He struggled manfully.
474
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,000
And Glenn leaned over to me, and he said,
475
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,560
you know, ''Ifonly this was a Super School.''
476
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,279
Inclusion is not an illusion.
477
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,039
And...
478
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,639
I think that tipped the balance for me.
479
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,640
It's a personal thing.
480
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,000
(Glenn exhaling)
481
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,359
- Say something.
- Well, what is to say?
482
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:09,360
- I can't believe you did that.
- You said do what you have to do.
483
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,879
I know. I understand that,
and I know nothing is sacred.
484
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,880
- But I didn't mean for you to do that.
- Were you misleading me?
485
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,080
- Don't give me that bollocks.
- I...I'm sorry. OK? I'm really sorry.
486
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,439
Do you know, I wish I'd kept Peter's trombone.
487
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,440
IfI had, I'd shove it up your arse,
wide end first.
488
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:32,120
Listen, you're the best senior adviser
anybody could want, and...
489
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,079
Come on, you're my best pal.
490
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:39,080
- OK.
- So, am I...?
491
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:47,360
(Hugh) Hello. Are you all right?
492
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,879
Very strong performance, by the way,
the apology.
493
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,879
So you think you can get round me
with compliments, do you?
494
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,879
I understand I'm not your favourite chocolate
in the box,
495
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,880
but I appreciate everything, and I will fight
for you, irrespective ofwhat you did.
496
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,960
What I did? I didn't do it, Hugh!
Do you remember? You sent the e-mail!
497
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,319
- I forgot.
- Forgot?
498
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,320
No, not forgot. I can't get anything right
at the moment. I'm going to go away.
499
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:15,280
Go to the gents. Look at the man
standing in front ofyou in the mirror,
500
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:19,640
and say, ''Can I live with him? Can I?''
501
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,279
- You're in there.
- I don't know what else can go wrong.
502
00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,280
Unless the energy system sets fire to my office
and puts it out
503
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,279
by squirting liquefied shit
through the sprinklers.
504
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:30,639
- Malcolm's coming this way.
- Oh, God.
505
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,640
Check out.
Malcolm Tucker is leaving the building.
506
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:37,680
- Oh, right.
- I want to say well done, you slippery fuck.
507
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,880
You should be able to weasel your way out and
come back smelling like a perfumed trollop.
508
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,359
- Thank you.
- No problem.
509
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:47,360
Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed
on Monday, by the way.
510
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,559
- What?
- Fucking joking, you twat.
511
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:51,839
Right.
512
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,879
- I'm in turbo. Laters.
- Yeah.
513
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,079
(Malcolm) Oi! How're you doing?
514
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,119
(Heavy sigh)
515
00:28:58,169 --> 00:29:02,719
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