Original subtitles

[Crow caws]

[High-pitched] Ah ha ha ha ha! [Snorts]

What's going on with you?

We already have one weird kid. That slot is filled.

Okay, I'm trying for senior superlatives.

You know, "most likely to succeed," "best laugh."

And it is finally my chance to make it into the yearbook

On the center fold, where it naturally opens!

I am telling you, if I want the year of Sue

to be in the yearbook of Sue,

I got to do whatever it takes to make my mark,

which, in this case, means working on my laugh.

How about you go for "most likely to work on it in your room"?

Oh, dad, that is hi-larious.

[Throatily] Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

No. I don't like that one, either. [Microwave beeps]

Okay, we need something green to go with dinner.

Ooh! We can make ice-pack peas.

They haven't been in there that long.

When was the O.J. Chase?

You know, we really should

buy some fresh vegetables sometimes, just so w...

[Gasps] Oh, my God. We forgot Brick's birthday.

- What? - Brick's birthday... in November!

What month are we in now?

- February. - [Sighs]

Yeah, that's bad.

You know, it's been so long, at this point,

maybe we should just float it to next year.

That's what we did last year. Ugh!

We're treating him like a leap-year baby.

[Gasps] Sue's birthday... that's coming up, too!

Oh, seriously,

why do we have two birthdays so close together?

We didn't.

[Sighs]

Brick, listen...

Um, I don't even know if you're aware of this,

but, um, it's come to my attention

that it's possible we might have missed your birthday.

Oh, you did. You definitely did.

[Sighs] Look, Brick, I know it's bad,

and I really don't know how it even happened,

but at least it wasn't a big one.

It was 13.

What? You turned 13? You can't be 13.

What year were you born?

Wait. When was Scott Peterson?

Oh, my God! 13 is huge!

Brick, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Yeah, I kind of thought since it was a biggie,

you would have done something.

But it's fine.

I had a party with my books.

[Gasps] He-e-y!

Hey. What's wrong with your back?

[Laughs] Nothing.

So... what... Is... Up?

[Giggles]

What? Am I being a big flirt?

Maybe even the biggest flirt in the senior class?

- [Clank] - [Gasps]

Ohh! Ohh.

Ahh.

Sue, I am the wrong person for you to be flirting with.

I'm on the committee that counts the votes. It wouldn't look right.

Well, if I want to be best flirt,

I need someone to flirt with.

Hey, look. There's Riley. I bet he'd be fun to flirt with.

Just guessing. No reason.

Mmmmm.

Hey, Riley.

Are you bleeding?

You tell me. Am I bleeding?

I just did. You're bleeding.

Oh!

Oh, my God. I'm bleeding.

I got to go to the nurse.

[Giggles] But I'll catch up with you la-ter.

Ashley: Hello, Axl.

[Gasps]

You!

Wake up. Wake up!

[Sniffles] What are you doing here?

I go to school here now. I transferred.

The white dolphin told me in a dream

that if I was patient, we would find each other again.

Plus, they have a good hotel-management program.

Sorry. I had my earbuds in.

- Hey. You met Ashley. - Mm-hmm.

Axl was my boyfriend in high school.

Oh. Really?

Well... I'm with Devin now.

So, good to see you.

[Laughs nervously]

Please don't hurt us.

Whoa! You dated Ashley?

This whole time, I was telling you about

the strange wizard girl who moved in across the hall,

and it turns out she was your high-school girlfriend?

[Chuckles] Okay, that's awesome.

No! [Laughing] No, no!

Weird Ashley was not my girlfriend.

It's all in her head. She's obsessed with me.

[Groans] I can't even believe she's here!

Hey, it's cool. We all got a past.

[Chuckles] Honestly, I would not have pegged her as your type.

But I did date an eagle scout

who once wore all 40 badges on a date,

so, yeah, no need to be embarrassed about it.

Uh, I'm not embarrassed about dating her,

'cause I never dated her!

Shush!

Stop talking. She could be listening.

I can't believe we forgot Brick's birthday.

We do this all the time,

and now we did it on his 13th birthday.

And now it's over,

and it's just what we do, and it's sad.

Hey, if he really cared, he'd have spoken up.

He doesn't care that much.

So just forgive yourself.

[Scoffs] Forgive myself?

What do you mean, "forgive myself"?

It should be "forgive ourselves."

You forgot his birthday, too, you know.

Eh. Remembering birthdays is more of a mom thing.

Really? Tell me what isn't a mom thing.

I take care of them when they're sick,

I drive them everywhere.

I ask the parents with good cameras

to take pictures of them at school events.

Why am I the one who always has to be the monkey arms?

"Monkey arms"?

Yeah, you know, monkey arms... from animal planet.

The mom chimpanzee makes this bridge with her arms

so all the little baby monkeys

can get from one tree to the next.

Yeah, and what is the dad doing?

Just sitting there, scratching his butt.

[Chuckles]

Well, I'm sure you'll think of something.

No, no, no, no. You're in this, too, pal.

You've got longer limbs than anybody.

Put your monkey arms where your mouth is and think.

Hey, here's a crazy thought.

What if we ask Brick what he wants?

Brick!

Look at you with your good ideas.

[Door opens]

Brick, your dad and I feel really, really bad

about forgetting your birthday.

Oh, it's okay.

All right. Sleep tight, buddy.

No, it's not okay.

Your 13th birthday is a big deal.

You're about to become a teenager.

I've been a teenager for three months.

[Sighs] Right.

And t-that's why we've decided

that you can do whatever you want.

Your choice, Brick... anything at all.

Really? Hmm.

Well, some kids at my school have bowling parties.

I mean, I've never been invited,

but they talk about them in front of me,

and it sounds pretty fun.

Okay, then. Bowling party it is.

Well, look at that...

something the kids might actually come to.

And it has a bar.

- Monkey arm high five! - Whoo!

Miss.

There you go. Got it.

So, what do you think?

Best hair, huh?

Wow. Yeah, beautiful.

But maybe a little dramatic for school.

Oh, I have to be dramatic.

I am competing against Carrie Carmona,

who has the best beachy waves in all of Orson,

so I really got to bring it.

[Gasps] And bonus...

it covers the gash on my scalp.

Wish me luck.

Okay, Brick. Here's your invitations.

Make sure you pass them out

and look everyone in the eye, okay?

Oh. And mention the free game tokens.

That's a big seller with the kids,

and not everybody does that.

Got it. Totally under control.

Brick... invitations.

Oh. Right.

'Sup?

Sorry I'm late. Got accosted in the hall by your ex.

I don't know who you're talking about,

'cause I don't have any ex-girlfriends

that go to this school.

Yeah, well, she just showed me pictures

from three different proms that say otherwise.

Admit it... you were a nerd in high school.

Oh, my God! You're nuts! I mean, look at me!

There's no way I would have ever dated weird Ashley.

Okay, I got to stop you a sec 'cause it's kind of obnoxious

you keep calling her "weird Ashley."

Sorry, but that's her name.

I got to distinguish her from hot Ashley and smart Ashley.

I mean, look, it's just a classification system.

You know, I don't know if I love the way

I'm hearing you talk about people.

What?

"Smart Ashley," "hot Ashley"...

kind of wondering if you have

an insulting little nickname like that for me.

[Scoffs] Okay...

- Do you? - No!

[Cellphone rings] What are you...

don't... ugh!

"Uggo from Idaho"?

Okay, that was before I met you.

I swear I was gonna change it to "rockin' body Devin."

Right. Who else do you have in here?

Nobody.

"Super dork don't answer"?

Okay, that's my sister. That's allowed.

And hey, did you hear me? I said you have a rockin' body.

You should be thanking me.

Oh, my God! Do you even hear yourself?

I mean, I knew you were kind of a jerk

when I first met you, but...

Ha! "Jerk's" a name.

That's a means of classifying people, and you're doing it.

You called me a name right now. Ba-bam! Your witness.

- What? - Hey, you're the one who started this.

You're the one who's freaking out about what's in my phone.

I'm not freaking out about what's in your phone.

I'm freaking out about the guy who put it there.

Me?

Brick, what happened? You didn't hand them out.

I did, but then I got to thinking...

you said I could do whatever I want for my birthday.

I believe the quote was "anything at all."

So I realized I don't want a big party.

What I really want is just to spend time with my family.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah.

I've decided I'd like a whole day

where my family gives me their undivided attention

so I can share the things that are of interest to me.

A whole day, huh?

Are you sure that's what you want, Brick?

You know, I wouldn't rule out go-karting.

You only turn 13 and 3 months once.

I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Whoo! Go, hens!

Thunderclap! Whoo!

Hey, Brad. Most spirited... am I right?

Go, Hens!

Man: Go to hell.

That was a teacher.

Okay.

So, I know you can't say anything, but I've heard

some people have already turned in their voting sheets.

Sorry, Sue, but Sarah McCrosky's

pretty much locked for "most spirited."

- What?! - Look, I get it.

I thought I was a shoo-in for "most talented,"

but that football player Randy wolf is gonna get it.

Since when is athletic prowess a talent?

Tap dancing in a merman costume?

Now, that's a talent.

So, Sarah McCrosky's got homecoming queen,

she's class President,

and now she's getting "most spirited"?

It's almost like it's some kind of popularity contest.

Maybe this just isn't our time, Sue.

You and I are gonna come out in college.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is the year of Sue,

and in the year of Sue, Sue does not give up!

Orson high for life!

Yeah!

[Rapid knocking on door]

- Hi... - Let me in. Let me in. Let me in.

[Sighs] Okay.

I think I got in without her seeing me,

but she can probably sense I'm here, so let's go.

[Sniffs]

Go... Where?

Duh. It's cereal night at the cafeteria.

They got apple Jacks.

Why would I want to eat cereal with you? We're done.

[Scoffs, chuckles]

What do you mean, "we're done"?

You really don't get it, do you?

The movie theater, our fight... pretty sure you were there.

Uh...

So we had a fight at a movie theater. Big deal.

Yeah. We fought, and it's over.

Right... we fought, and it's over.

Wait. What's your "it"? 'Cause my "it" is the fight.

Well, my "it" is us.

We're the "it"?!

Wha... why are you so hard to talk to?

Let's just grab some apple Jacks,

maybe some froot loops, and talk about this like adults.

- There's nothing to talk about. - [Sighs]

Okay, first you wouldn't date me

'cause you were busy with soccer,

and now you're breaking up with me 'cause we had one fight?

You don't want to be with me? Fine. Don't be with me.

'Cause there's a million girls on this campus

who would be more than happy to take your place.

[Gasps]

I can't believe it worked so fast.

I just collected her nail clippings yesterday.

So, 114 days after his birthday,

Brick finally got to celebrate.

And the rest of us were pretty excited about it.

Welcome to my 13th birthday party...

Slash lecture, slash q&a, slash...

- My wrists? - Axl.

For years, you've ignored me.

You've wandered away when I'm talking.

Often when I'm sharing something I feel is important,

your eyes glaze over or Axl goes "blah, blah, blah."

So now you're finally

going to listen to what I have to say.

We got to get a calendar system.

I spent a lot of time thinking on how I should kick things off,

and I believe I've landed on something

that's a real crowd-pleaser.

Railroad gauges.

You've probably always wondered

how we ended up with the 4-feet, 8.5-inch gauge.

Well, it all begins with the chariots of imperial Rome...

You see, I was always curious

if there were any words

that contained the five vowels

"a," "e," "i," "o," and "u"

in just that order.

Turns out, there are a handful.

Item c493l... portable sewing kit...

[Sighs] Come on.

Now he's just reading from some lame catalogue.

This is mind-blowingly boring.

Hey, if you were talking for the whole day,

we might find what you have to say boring, too.

I've lost a half an hour of my life listening to you talk

about how you can eat a meatball sub without using your hands.

Oh, yeah, and you're not boring?

"How did this bruise get on my hip, and why won't it go away?"

"Yesterday, it was more blue, but today, it's more yellow,

and I don't even know how it got there."

What's today's bruise report, mom? I didn't get my newsletter.

You do talk an awful lot

about your bruise, Frankie.

I'm just trying to fill the air with words,

Mr. "how was your day? Fine."

- My day was fine. - [Sighs]

I'm not gonna embellish just to entertain you.

I agree.

Dad is the most boring.

You know how boring you are, Sue?

You can't even get voted "most boring."

Excuse me.

I'd be happy to listen

to whatever it is you're talking about

on your birthdays,

but right now we are discussing...

Oddly shaped fruits.

[Sighs] Oh... My... God.

As we all know,

the Dewey decimal system, with its 27,000 categories,

has been woefully misunderstood.

Certainly, the debate between Dewey and B.I.S.A.C.

Enflames passions.

I, for one, feel that Melvil Dewey

would be rolling over in his grave

if he found out what happened to his beloved system.

You just bought yourself a lecture on commedia Dell'Arte.

You're a monster.

But first, time for a quiz.

Wha... no, hold on, Brick.

You can't just pop a quiz on us.

None of us took notes.

Dial down the dork, Sue.

It doesn't count here.

Actually, it kind of does,

'cause whoever scores the highest...

Gets to leave.

- [Clock ticking] - [Mike sighs]

What'd you get for number 3?

Eyes on your own paper.

No talking. I repeat... no talking.

- Done! - You're not done.

Oh, but I am.

Shh!

You can't be done. You should check your answers.

This is why you don't do well on tests.

You should check your face and see if it's still ugly.

- Don't bother. It is. - Shh!

And...

- [Timer beeps] - Pencils down.

[Groans] What?!

Question number 18...

"what is my favorite part of the movie?"

The credits! I said "the credits."

Incorrect.

The FBI warning!

That's correct... the FBI warning.

What's my favorite smell?

I skipped that one.

And the correct answer is...

- New-book smell. - New-book smell! Boom!

I also would have accepted "old book smell."

How are you getting all these right?

Hello! I shared a room with the guy.

Mom, please allow me to introduce you to your son Brick.

You two should really get to know each other. [Sighs]

Number 20... "what is my biggest fear?"

Ice cubes. The CNN crawl.

No. No. That was last month.

Now it's a horse with a human head.

Correct.

Booyah! I win! 18 out of 20!

Suck it, losers!

Bro, I love ya. Happy Birthday.

I'm out!

[Door closes]

And then there were three...

More hours.

[Up-tempo folk music plays]

[Glasses whine]

[Music stops]

Brick, come on.

The basketball game is about to start,

and this is my last chance to try for a superlative.

Please can I go?

[Gasps] What if I give you my autographed copy

of "if you give a mouse a cookie"?

Does it have its original book jacket?

Yep... mint condition.

You got a deal. Whoo!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Brick.

[Squeals]

Sorry.

[Door closes]

Any guesses as to who Collin Quinlan might be?

Anyone?

That would be Richard Quinlan's son.

Apparently, these Hollywood jobs tend to run in the family.

Dad, I can see you're very tired.

You've had a long day. You can go.

Wait... what do you mean?!

I've had a long day. Why does he get to go?

Well, he's tired. He works hard.

I work hard!

Yes, but he pushes rocks around all day.

He does not push rocks. He pushes a pencil.

His hands are softer than mine!

He said I could go, Frankie. Leave him alone.

Brick, this has been fascinating.

I'll remember this night all the way to my bed.

Happy Birthday, buddy.

Do do do do do do do, do do do

Mike, if you love me at all,

you will stay here with me till the end!

Good night.

[Door closes]

I had to pay attention. I had to.

[Brick speaking indistinctly] I'm a horrible mother.

Stay awake, Frankie. You forgot your son's birthday.

You're in the homestretch. Just stay with it.

Sergeant McKenna lost over 200 men that day to mustard gas.

Their names in alphabetical order

are Edward Albrecht, George Allenrod...

Okay, I will kill you!

Why are you doing this to me?!

Everybody forgot! Everybody!

But oh, no, it has to come to me

'cause I'm the mom and I must be punished!

Well, you know what?

I've done my time!

When you think back to all the things I've done for you...

all the teachers meetings I've sat through,

all the places I've gone, trying to get you to be normal...

my account is paid!

[Sighs]

Oh. [Chuckles]

Uh...

Hi.

Maybe think about putting a heat lamp out here,

in case people wind up waiting forever for you to get home.

I'm confused. Are we...

Freezing our butts off? Yeah. We are.

Okay, fine. I'm bad at this, all right?

I'm great at picking fights,

but I'm terrible at the part that comes after.

Look, I'm the one that screwed up.

You were right about the names and stuff.

I changed all the contacts in my phone.

Wait... so I'm not "uggo from Idaho" anymore?

I'm just playin' "Devin"?

Well... For now.

Maybe I'm waiting to see how this turns out.

You could be "awesome Devin,"

or you could be "big bowl of crazy Devin."

[Chuckles]

Here's the thing.

I got majorly burned by my last boyfriend.

I thought everything was going great,

until one day, I was late for practice,

and I borrowed one of his old jerseys.

No big deal, right?

But then, that night, I get this text from him

saying that the jersey thing had sent him over the edge

and things were going too fast and it was over.

Totally out of the blue.

And it sucked.

So now, at the first sign of any trouble, I bail.

I'd rather be the dumper than the dumpee.

Okay.

Well...

Follow me here.

What if we keep doing this...

which I think is pretty awesome...

and if things start going south, I'll let you know,

and you can dump me first?

Cool?

Cool.

Okay.

Brick, listen, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I could tell you really weren't interested

in what I had to say anyway.

People often aren't.

But the reason I kept you for last

is because you're the person

I don't get to spend as much time with as I want to.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Sighs]

Brick, h-here's the thing.

I was just tired, you know.

And I didn't mean that thing about "normal."

Who's normal? No one in this house.

I guess when you said

I could have anything I wanted for my birthday,

I got a little drunk with power.

I was pushing it.

No, Brick, really.

This is what you wanted for your birthday, and I blew it,

and [Sighs] I'm just sorry.

Hey.

What other words have all the vowels

besides that no-lips thing?

Oh.

Well, there's "abstemious,"

"arsenious," "facetious"...

- Oh, "facetious." - Mm-hmm.

Sure. That makes sense.

Yeah. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that one.

Mm.

How do you find the words? Do you just Google them or what?

I did. But you know what?

All: With liberty and justice for all.

Thank you, sergeant at arms. Super-inspiring, as uzhe.

And now, as head of the yearbook committee,

it is my job and my honor

to announcer our senior superlatives.

[Applause] I'm sorry, Brad.

Could I just say something?

[Feedback] You know, we all get caught up in senior superlatives,

but the truth is,

it's always the popular people who win these things.

But it shouldn't be.

D... w-w-w...

we're all "best smile."

We are all "most spirited."

We are the class of 2015,

and we have been on this journey together!

So please, I urge you,

if you are someone like me, who believes in class unity,

then don't come up here and accept this award!

Send a message

that these labels and this system are wrong!

Thank you.

[Scattered applause]

Okay.

Well, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now,

because the winner for "best laugh" is Sue Heck.

[Chuckles] [Gasps]

[Scattered applause]

Okay, so, before I don't accept this award,

let's just take a second and think about this.

[Nervously] Eh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Scattered applause]

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