Original subtitles

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: Out here in the Middle,

people are pretty self-reliant.

We mow our own lawns. We paint our own houses.

We wash our own cars.

And if you can't do it alone, you ask your family to help.

Chop-chop, people. Fold while you eat.

Axl, we're in the middle of dinner.

Yeah, exactly, and I got to get back up to school

before the cafeteria closes,

'cause there's no way I'm eating this slop you're eating.

Look, if you don't like expiration-date-soup night,

fine, but I took the time

to dump all those cans into the pot,

so the least you could do is show a little appreciation.

Think maybe we could cut a corner somewhere else,

besides food?

Yeah, Mike, we don't have any corners left.

We're living in a circle here.

Hearing a lot of talking, not seeing a lot of folding.

Hey, I got your socks.

- Oh. - Sue.

Oh, I'm trying out for volleyball

so I got to practice every chance I get.

Mm!

Okay, no volleyball at the table, please.

Really? It's a good distraction from the food.

Mike: Sue, are you sure about this volleyball thing?

Those girls have probably been playing a long time.

[ Scoffs ] Sure, I'm sure. Why shouldn't I try out?

I mean, I've never not made volleyball.

She does have a point.

Oh, my God! What did you do to your hands?

Ha! Blue nail polish!

Dad, did you see this?

Did you see what your wife did to her nails?

[ Laughing ] Look, check it out!

That's hi-larious!

Wow, mom. [ Laughing ] Just wow.

[ Chuckles ] What do you got going on there, Frankie?

Frankie: It's nothing!

Geez, I don't know. It's just a little fun thing.

I heard bright colors were in this season.

Yeah, but why nails?

I mean, if you're gonna do something,

do something about those sandpaper elbows.

Yeah, I brushed up against them yesterday,

and they almost cut me.

- [ Laughs ] - No, you guys, this is good.

This is what you are supposed to do when you're older.

You're supposed to do something

that draws attention away from your face.

They do match the color of the veins in her neck.

Is that what you were going for, mom?

Yeah, Brick, that's what I wanted-- to find a nail color

that matches the bulging veins in my neck.

[ Crunches ]

Come on. Why you taking it off?

I'm taking it off so I won't be offending anyone

by doing something light and fun.

Don't be so sensitive, Frankie.

They were teasing you.

They tease me, too.

Remember the time I missed a belt loop?

Really, Mike? That's it? That's the best you got?

You may not realize it,

but I get teased around here all the time--

way more than you.

[ Laughing ] Mom, that's hilarious!

You don't have to type "www"

before you put in a website anymore.

Guys! Hey, guys, guess what mom just did!

Yeah, no... [ Laughs ]

She's so old!

[ Sneezes ]

Oh, you know, I think I'm "allerngic" to this blanket.

[ Chuckles ] Did you hear that, dad?

Mom's "allerngic"! [ Chuckles ]

Okay, ha, ha.

I mispronounced one little word. Give me a break.

[ Volume increases ] Hey, why are you raising the "vulume"?

[ Giggles ]

Oh, come on, mom. Don't walk away "mud."

You're favorite "proogrom's" on!

Aw, come back! "Frunkie"!

[ Laughs ]

Hey, everyone gets teased around here.

That's how we show affection.

Affection? Really?

I always thought of affection as,

you know-- I don't know-- a hug?

Which actually might be nice once in a while.

All right. I'll remember that.

Dr. Patel: That concludes the first part

of the Prime Number Theorem.

Let's pick this up on Monday, shall we?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Axl Heck, may I speak to you?

Yeah.

Hey, Axl. Can you hang back for a sec?

Mm-hmm.

Se?or Heck, a minute?

Axl, based on your lackluster performance

on my quizzes and tests,

you must know that it is mathematically impossible

for you to pass this class.

Unless I buckle down.

Dude, there's no more "buckling down."

You didn't hand in any of your papers,

and if you don't drop this class,

I'm gonna have to fail you.

Unless... I hit it hard and turn it around?

The time to turn it around has passed.

The only way to avoid a failing grade is to...

- Drop this class. - Drop this class.

Dejar esa clase.

What?

I'm sorry. [ Chuckles ]

I've been really lost all quarter.

I have no clue what you're saying.

Drop this class. Comprende?

Oui.

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[ Telephone ringing ]

Mike, can you grab that? My nails are wet.

Hmm.

Can't think of anyone I'd want to talk to.

It's the high school.

Yeah. That's never good.

[ Beep ] Tink: Hey, there!

Coach Tink Babbitt here from Orson High.

Just letting you know we'd love to have your talented daughter

on the volleyball team this season!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

[ Beep ] Hello!

O-oh, hi!

Hi! Hi.

S-so, you're saying she made it?

She sure did!

She really nailed her tryout.

Axl, is this you?

Uh, excuse me?

Hold on. Y-you are talking about Sue Heck, right?

Long, straight brown hair, braces.

That's the one!

And we'd love to offer her a spot on the varsity team!

Okay, j-just to be super-clear,

you're positive you're looking at the list

of the girls who made it?

We wouldn't normally ask,

but these are things that have happened.

Yep, 100% talking about your daughter.

[ Chuckles ] So, Sue will need a pair of shorts, kneepads,

and do you guys have a lawyer?

Uh... we're kind of in between lawyers right now.

Great. Ooh, and we sent her home with some forms.

If you could just sign these real quick

and get 'em back to us, that'd be great.

And congratulations! [ Chuckles ]

Go Hens!

Go Hens!

[ Click ] [ Sighs ]

[ Beep ]

Wow! Sue made volleyball.

Now, when she gets home, act surprised.

Oh, I don't have to act.

Whoo! [ Screaming ]

I made it! I made the team! Varsity volleyball!

Oh, yeah!

[ Screaming ]

- [ Laughing ] - Yay!

- Yay! - Yay, congrats!

Oh, the tryouts were ahh-ahh-ahh-mazing!

You guys won't believe what happened.

Ready?

Good. Go, go!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Okay.

Heck!

- Yeah. - We'll give you a bump, set,

then you come in from the outside and hit.

- Got it? - Got it!

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Crashing ] [ All gasping ]

I'm okay!

And thank God the janitor break room's down there

because that old couch really broke my fall.

Anyway, they must have been super impressed

with how well I bounced back

because now they want me on the team!

[ Gasps ] Oh, and they said it was very important

that you sign and date all these release forms,

waiving your right to any legal recourse or something like that.

But coach said once I bring these papers back

I'll be all set.

Get it? [ Chuckles ]

All set.

It's a volleyball word. [ Chuckles ]

Oh. [ Both chuckle ]

[ Laughs ] Whoo-hoo!

Hey, buddy. What's up?

- [ Sue grunting ] - I'm not gonna fold your underpants.

Is that why you think I'm here?

[ Scoffs, chuckles ] Nah.

It's just I've been feeling guilty 'cause I kept

promising you could come up to college with me

and I feel bad it hasn't happened.

But I really think now's the time.

Really? Can we visit the library and check out the microfiche?

Microfiche.

Yeah, sure.

Um, I don't know

if the cafeteria is serving that, but, uh...

Sue, what the hell are you doing?

I'm practicing my jumps for the volleyball team.

I am increasing my vertical, as they say.

I have hit "Hello, high flyer" twice.

But I'm still shooting for "You're my she-ro."

Well, you got those big boat feet. Use them.

- [ Grunts ] - No, no, no, no, no.

You're not using your arms right.

Here. Watch and learn from the master.

- Oh. - Hey.

All right.

It's very easy. It's not that high.

Hey, mom. Hey, dad.

W-we're seeing who can jump higher.

I made the jumping meter myself.

- Oh. - [ Grunts ] Yeah!

Oh, that's clever.

Dad, try.

[ Tap ] I win.

Well, that's not fair. You're 17 feet tall.

Of course you're the queen of all awesome.

- [ Chuckles ] - I can do that.

I already did it. Look.

Oh, okay.

Who's the queen of all awesome now?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

What do you got, Brick?

- Oh. Frankie: - Okay. Brick!

All chanting: Brick, Brick...!

- Ho! - Oh!

- Good effort. - All right, yeah.

Thanks. I felt I did well.

All right. I guess I'm up.

- Mom. - Mm-hmm.

- Frankie. - Do it for the ladies. Whoo!

Axl: - You got this. - [ Crack ]

Ooh! Aah! Aah! Oh, no, that's not good.

What?

- What was that? - Was that a jump? - Did you see that?

I see it. I don't think I can unsee it.

- Wait, wait, wait, mom. - You got to do it again

'cause I-I didn't have my phone out.

- Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. - Sue: No, stop.

It's just nature's way of protecting mom's bones.

- Do it again! - Frankie, what do you have going on there?

I don't know. I just... I couldn't get up.

Maybe it's-- maybe it's 'cause I'm wearing my work shoes.

Tennis shoes, yeah.

The rubber soles made you stick to the ground.

- [ Laughter ] - Hey, hey, did you guys think

that she might be "allerngic" to jumping?

Oh, oh. Are we gonna bring that up again?

- Okay. - [ Laughter ]

I never thought I'd see anything funnier

- than when she tried to play football. - Stop. My ribs hurt.

- Oh, God! She was like this. - It wasn't that funny.

- It was like this. - [ Laughs ] Yeah, it was.

Axl, we drove through campus so fast

I didn't get to see any of the fun stuff on my list.

Hmm.

The Life Science plant and soil laboratory,

the Scandinavian cultural center,

the Florence Henderson library.

Not to worry, there's plenty to read... here.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey!

So, just now, I thought of this really funny game.

Uh, pretend I'm an alien

and I don't know anything about math

and you've got to make me understand it

in, like, uh, hmm, one day.

[ Chuckles ]

Blip, bloop, blop, blop, bloop, dur.

[ Chuckles ] Go!

I thought you wanted to "hang" with your "little bro."

Did you really just bring me here to help you study?

[ Sighs ] Why do I even ask anymore?

[ Sighs ] Okay.

Here's the thing, Brick. I screwed up.

I screwed up big time. And it's really, really bad.

I mean, I thought I was doing okay,

but three of my professors

told me I had to drop their classes.

And if I drop three classes, I'll only have one left

and that's Music Appreciation

which everyone calls "Clap for credits,"

and I'm barely passing that.

That doesn't make any sense.

Clapping is something you're actually good at.

I blame mom and dad.

'Cause I don't know if you know this,

but I am completely unsupervised here.

No one tells me to go to class.

No one tells me to do my homework.

No one warns me that wearing your shower shoes in the snow

is not a good idea.

Last week, I slept for two whole days.

Nobody woke me up.

I brush my hair with a fork!

I always thought if mom and dad

would just get off my back, I'd be fine.

But I need them, Brick. I need them on my back.

[ Panting ] Don't tell them I said that.

Can I tell them we saw a girl in her bra?

Tell them nothing!

I'm scared, Brick. I'm really, really scared.

All my teachers told me it was impossible

for me to pass at this point, but...

if you help me study this weekend,

I know I can bring my grades up.

And I get this is all probably weird.

'Cause usually I'm a billion times more awesome than you,

but right now...

I really, really, really need your help.

[ Sighs ] Okay.

I'm gonna need a highlighter pen,

Goldfish Crackers, and a 44-ounce Slushie-- blue.

Oh, and clear your schedule. It's gonna be a long night.

So, ever since the jumping incident,

I found myself just driving around in my car

after all my errands were done.

It was the one place

where no one could criticize me.

[ Horn honks ]

Man: Nice driving, moron! Move!

All right, all right.

[ Horn blares ] Hey, hey, hey! Careful!

[ Tires screech ]

You're gonna get hurt.

All over the place

I don't know...

Hey, you. Hi.

[ Horn honking ]

Where's the fire, jerk face?

[ Sighs ] Sorry.

I don't usually talk like that, but he pushed me.

You saw, right?

It gets heavy

Mike, you are not gonna believe what just happened.

Well, I'm gonna guess

it has something to do with that dog.

Well, yeah. I saved his life. I rescued him.

He was just wandering around on Bailey Street

and he could have gotten hit by a car.

So, I opened my door and he jumped right in.

Didn't you? Didn't you just jump right in?

And check this out.

He follows me around. [ Laughs ]

You love to follow me around. Don't you love it, Colin Firth?

I named him Colin Firth.

You named him?

You don't think we're keeping this dog, do you?

No, of course not.

I mean, obviously we need to find out who owns him.

I'll put out some fliers and stuff.

But he just looked so sad and hungry.

Are you hungry, Colin Firth? Are you?

I know you'll like the cans of food I open.

Hmm.

You know, I finally got what people like so much about dogs.

He was there when I left for work,

he was there when I got home.

[ Colin Firth pants ]

And he looked at me

like I was the only person in the whole world.

But unfortunately, he wasn't so nice to everyone else.

[ Barking ]

- [ Growling ] - Hey. You like volleyball?

[ Snarling ]

[ Fabric tears, air hisses ]

That's it. We are never climbing Mount Everest.

Rich people sure like to die in weird places.

Night, Frankie. [ Sighs ]

- See you in the-- - [ Snarls ]

So, how are those fliers coming?

[ Snarling ]

Ah.

Ha! Dad, dad.

Want to come watch my volleyball game?

The team is doing pretty awesome this season.

I don't know.

You think you might actually play?

No.

But sometimes when the ball goes off the court, I go get it.

Well, I'm watching you now, so we're good.

But I made up a new cheer to say from the sidelines.

We're gonna bump, set, and spike it,

'cause that's the way we like it!

Yeah. That's good.

Not get-in-the-car good.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: Another point for the Hens.

Go team. Go Hens.

The score now is Hens 24, Warriors 23.

[ Whistle blows ] Time-out, Warriors.

You see that guy over there? That's Floorboard's dad.

Sue! Sue! Sue!

Oh, my God. Did you hear that?

I don't think he's being very subtle

about what he's gonna do.

Sue!

Who's that guy next to him?

Oh, no. Looks like he's lawyered up already.

We got to put her in.

What? It's match point!

We can't afford another lawsuit.

Not after Monica Ruiz and the Bunsen-burner incident.

She's still wearing a hat.

Floorboard! You're in! Let's go!

Seriously? I'm-- I'm in?

As in, in the court? Like, where they are?

Hustle! You! Come on!

Move, move, move, move! Out!

And substitution now in-- number 10, Sue Heck.

Man: Come on, Hens. Let's go. Woman: Come on, Hens.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheering ]

Mine. Mine!

And then it happened.

It was match point

and the ball was coming straight for Sue.

And the Hens win!

Yes! [ Cheering ]

All: [ Chanting ] Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard!

Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard!

Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard!

Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard!

Floorboard! Floorboard! Floorboard!

- Floorboard! - Yeah!

All right, now I'm gonna need your Math syllabus,

your quizzes, and all your homework.

Okay. Syllabus.

Syllabus. Uh...

Syllabus.

Oh! Is this is it?

It also makes a great back-scratcher.

Axl, that's a protractor. What I need is your syllabus.

You know, that piece of paper

they give you at the beginning of the year

and it tells you what's gonna be covered in class?

Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't have that.

[ Sighs ]

Then just give me all the Math homework you did.

Gotcha.

Let me just have a quick look around.

Um, hmm, okay. Uh, wait. Hold on.

It's got to be around here some-- Oh!

Here it is.

Ah, my Math homework was in my Philosophy folder,

which I may have turned into a paper airplane.

Axl, this is completely illegible.

Thank you, 'cause my teacher said he couldn't even read it.

Oh! Here we go.

Here's my notes I took in Philosophy class.

[ Sniffs ] Oh, they, uh, sort of reek.

Do I smell like that? [ Sniffs ]

Why are there stars all over this?

Oh, I use that to mark down

where all the hot chicks were sitting.

So, you did nothing?

Uh, I got Sarah's phone number.

[ Scoffs ]

I mean, look at where she was sitting

compared to where I was sitting.

That was not easy.

You should really learn from my mistakes, Brick.

That's a lot to learn.

Don't worry. I know what we need to do.

[ Groans ] Why is this so hard?

It's way too much work

and I don't understand how to do any of it.

Honestly, it's not that complex.

I promise you'll get the hang of it.

See, this goes here, and you're gonna want to

put this information right up there...

and that is how you drop Fundamentals Of Math.

Oh!

I see. Okay.

Hey, let me try and drop Philosophy on my own.

But don't go anywhere, 'cause I might need you.

All right. Uh-huh.

I did it! [ Chuckles ] Yes!

I am kicking college's ass!

[ Barking ]

Whoa! Whoa! What is this thing?

It's a monster! Get it away from me!

Oh, that's mom's crazy dog.

Personally, not a fan.

Okay. That's it. Frankie, you know what?

We're getting rid of the dog.

[ Growls ]

What? No, no, no. I told you. I'm gonna put up fliers.

You're not gonna put up fliers.

E-everyone knows you're not gonna do that.

I will.

I-I-I just got to find some blank paper.

Do you know how hard it is

to find plain white paper in this house?

We already got an evil rabbit.

We don't need another crazy animal around here.

- He's kind of mean. - He's psycho. - He doesn't really add anything.

I'm sure we'll find someone who will take him.

No, we are not getting rid

of the only thing in this house that loves me.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact

that Colin Firth actually appreciates me.

He listens to what I have to say.

When is the last time any of you listened to me, huh?

It's just "Mom, we need this," "Mom we need that."

"Dad, there's no toilet paper," said no one ever.

All you see when you look at me is something to make fun of.

"Ha, ha, ha, mom was born in the pioneer days,"

"Mom can't jump,"

"Oh, mom's wearing her sweatpants backwards."

Okay. I'm sorry.

I thought the word "Juicy"

was supposed to go on the front, okay?

And I just laugh along like it's all okay,

and it piles up.

And it's just chip, chip, chip, and pick, pick, pick,

and it takes its toll, people.

It takes its toll!

Do you want to know why I can't jump?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause I have the weight of all your ridicule and disdain

piled on my back and dragging me down!

That's why I can't jump!

So, when you are all laughing and snickering...

[ Voice breaking ] you remember I am not just some

mom punching bag!

I am a person with feelings, okay?

[ Barks ]

Brick: I would prefer to not go in?

Mike: Guys, come on.

Sue: Brick's the cutest. Let's send him.

Axl: But you're the husband. Man up and go.

- Just open the door. - She seems extra mad.

Brick: You go first.

Axl: I don't even live here anymore.

[ Door creaks ]

So, uh, listen. The kids and I were talking.

And, uh, we felt like there's something

that we wanted to say to you.

Mom, I am so, so sorry.

You mean everything to me,

and I never meant to hurt your feelings.

You know, a lot of moms probably can't jump,

and you do lots of stuff better than jump...

a-and I will get you those examples at a later date.

I think the thing to remember here

is sometimes people mess up,

and maybe they don't tell you they messed up right away,

'cause it might not be the right time,

but the important thing is, when they do

eventually tell you, it's good to remember

that everyone's just finding their way

and making mistakes as they go.

What? Axl, what does that have to do with--

I'm just saying if you have love in your heart,

forgiveness is a big part of that.

Hey, look at this.

College has been good for this kid.

[ Chuckles ]

That's the thing about family.

Sometimes they tear you down, but they can also lift you up.

Whoo! Queen of all awesome!

Sue: Whoo!

- Go, mom! - [ Barking ]

Aah!

[ Indistinct conversation ]

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