Original subtitles

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

I know what you're thinking--

how did I end up in prison?

Well, it all started with my kids not brushing their teeth.

- Did you guys brush your teeth? - Yes.

- God. - We always do.

Good. Now chew these, and we'll see how well.

I have an oral hygiene practical tomorrow,

and I need to be able to spot plaque

and teach better brushing techniques.

I liked it better when you worked at the car lot

and brought home doughnuts.

I liked it when she brought home salary.

Uh, hey. Friendly reminder--

only 10 more days till my Sweet 16,

or as I like to call it, my "Sue-weet" 16.

That's ten days away from driving,

two years away from voting, and five years away

from having a glass of wine to take the edge off.

Dad, I'm serious. Cassidy has a later curfew than me.

Do you know how embarrassing that is? Be a bro.

Well, I'll never be your bro, but I'll bump it to 12:30.

Ha! I was trying for 12:30, so I asked for 1:30.

You just got played.

Well, I would have gone to 1:00.

So what's that you kids say again?

Booyah?

Okay. I'm thinking at the party,

everyone will bake their own individual cakes.

That means between you, me,

Brad, Carly, and the wrestlerettes,

that'd be seven cakes.

Ten if dad, Axl, and Brick want to do it.

So seven.

Okay, did you guys finish chewing?

'Cause I have to examine your teeth

to see if there's any tiny red spots

where you might have missed brushing.

I don't have your professional eye, Frankie.

Where'd they miss?

I'm making a list of games to play for my "Sue-weet" 16.

And this is what I have so far--

charades, celebrity charades,

Pictionary,

celebrity Pictionary--

Sue, if you have any prayer of being remotely cool,

you gotta play the game the cool kids are playing.

Surprised you haven't heard of it yet.

It's called smell dad's boot.

- Aah! Get it off me! - Oh! Smell it, Sue! Smell it!

- Axl! Oh, gross! - How long can you last?

Ha ha! Oh. Mere seconds.

Try sticking your head in the hamper

to build your stamina and get that time up.

Here's a game, Axl--

it's called catch dad's boot with your face!

Oh, nice job, Sue! Look what you did!

It's not my fault!

It's your fault with that stupid game.

Besides, Brick is the one who sent it through the window.

I'm just impressed I hit it.

Oh, no. Oh, no, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

When mom and dad come home, they're gonna freak out.

And they're already dealing with a broken car windshield.

And they don't even know about the hole in my wall.

Uh, they fixed that a year ago.

- New hole. - Seriously?

Okay, okay. Well at least with three of us,

they'll have to spread the punishment around.

We all did it,

and we are all just gonna have to take responsibility.

Or... none of us did it,

and none of us are gonna take responsibility.

What are you talking about, Axl?

We have to. We're the ones who did it.

Unless we didn't.

Unless we were just sitting here,

and the Glossners came and threw a rock through the window.

That's a very Glossner thing to do.

Okay. Now, uh, sprinkle the glass around

so it looks like the rock came from outside.

Ow!

How come you don't have to touch any glass?

'Cause I got fingerprinted for the missing child program

back when mom and dad still cared.

- Yeah. Mm. - Let's see.

Okay. Yeah. This is good.

Now look innocent.

Let's get our stories straight. Sue!

Uh, we were just sitting on the couch relaxing,

- watching TV-- - Brick!

When the Glossners viciously threw a rock threw our window.

Excellent.

I'm lying.

Thank you, Shorty's Pizza,

for rolling back prices to the '50s.

I like the '50s. It's the only place I can afford.

I feel a little guilty that they gave us all these extra pies

when they saw us get into the church van.

Although we do work with troubled teens.

I'm telling you, Frankie, this thing is magic.

I rolled through a stop sign last week

right in front of a cop, and he just waved.

Don't push it, Mike, seriously.

Ask yourself, "what would Jesus do?"

In this van? Same thing I'm doing--

50 in a 35.

You guys never learned how to lie.

Clearly, our public schools are failing us.

Brick, the first rule of lying--

don't say you're lying.

I'm not trying to do it. It-- it just happens.

Well, try this-- after you lie,

add something true to the end of the lie,

that way you'll trick your brain into thinking you're not lying.

Okay.

The Glossners threw a rock through our window,

and...

it's dark outside.

Yes!

The first part is a lie.

We'll work on that.

Sue, focus on the details of the lie,

that way, you'll trick your stomach into not barfing.

All right. Uh, it-- it was 7:14,

and we heard a sound.

No-- it was 7:13 and a rock came.

No-- 7:14, because I had just taken a bite of cheese.

Colby. No-- cheddar.

- And-- and-- - Okay. You suck at details.

Just make your point, gloss over the rest.

Oh, God.

We're out of time. Okay.

I have pizza... for the rest of your lives.

Thank havens you're home.

We were just sitting here watching TV,

when this rock came crashing through the window.

What? Was anyone hurt?

Who would do something like that?

We looked outside,

and we saw the Glossners running away.

One of them was wearing a green shirt,

and the other had a hole in his jeans...

and so on and so forth and what have you.

You sure it was the Glossners?

Definitely. I-I heard them laughing.

I don't believe this.

Why? It's all very believable.

Okay. Enough's enough, Frankie. I'm going over there.

What? Don't!

Why not?

Because, um, we thought it was the Glossners,

- but we also heard tires. - Tires?

Yes. Screeching away.

So it could have been someone else.

Like the Maddens,

or the house on the other end of the street

has that weird cousin that visits from Des Moines.

And so on and so forth and what have you.

So there you have it. Could be the Glossners,

could be any number of mischievous teens, really.

Guess we'll never know for sure.

- I'm-- - Done!

With this one.

Well, it is getting late,

and we all have homework to do, right, guys?

- Right. - Yes.

Okay. Don't forget your dinner.

I've seen enough episodes of "Castle"

to know that something is not right in this picture.

The glass is evenly laid out.

The rock is placed just so.

It's all a little too neat.

Only in this house

would broken glass all over the floor be considered neat.

Hmm.

Hurry up. The bus is here.

Finish your breakfast pizza. Take your lunch pizza.

Aw. I wanted pepperoni.

Oh, here. You can have mine.

Oh, cool. Thanks, Sue.

Uh, ooh. Sausage anyone?

Ooh, I'll trade you some plain cheese for it.

Oh, thank you. Brick, you are the man.

- Thank you. - Wait, Sue, come on. Let me help you here.

- Oh, thanks, Axl. - There you go.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

What was in those little red tablets you gave 'em?

First the window, now being civil and kind?

Something's definitely up with them.

I'm telling ya, they're in cahoots.

Hmm. Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Mm. There are no coincidences.

Only clues.

"Castle"?

It's a really good show, Mike. You should watch.

Well, don't worry.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Hi, Axl.

I've been waiting for you.

What's, uh, what's going on?

Why are you... grinning like that?

Well, I'm getting my dental rotation soon,

and I need to practice so I get a good one.

Have a seat.

- I got a lot of homework I gotta-- - Sit.

Hi, dad. What are you doing

with the Disney World trip change jar?

Gotta pay for the window somehow.

You know, the one the Glossners or whoever broke.

But we've been saving up this money for years.

I-I've dreamed of Disney World since I was a little girl.

Yep. Shame.

Let's start with the quarters.

What I'm trying to wrap my head around is,

Brick said he definitely heard the Glossners laughing.

But you and Sue said you heard tires squealing.

I looked outside. There's no tire marks.

What do you make of that?

I don't know. Aah.

Oops. Still learning.

Sure hope that doesn't happen again.

Ah...

Wow. I had no idea how close we were

to affording this trip.

Uh-huh.

So close.

Guess we'll just have to start all over again.

Oh, well.

Oh, well!

You know, it's funny, though--

you call me when there's a ladybug in the house.

But when a rock comes through the window,

no call.

I mean funny as in interesting.

Right.

What time...

did you say the rock came through the window again?

Between 7:00 and 8:00, maybe closer to 8:00.

And so on and so forth, and what have you.

I see. And when you say,

"and so on and so forth and what have you,"

what time have you?

We done?

- We can be. - Awesome.

It was Sue, wasn't it?

She can be clumsy.

An upturned carpet and-- whoops! Broken window.

It was Axl, wasn't it?

Look, if you tell me the truth right now,

there's a pair of mouse ears with your name on it.

It wasn't Sue. I heard two people laughing.

Could have been teen vandals,

could have been the Glossners, okay?

It wasn't Axl! It was the Glossners.

Or other bad teens...

and so on and so forth and what have you!

The rock came through the window at 7:42.

It wasn't a car. It was a Vespa.

I'll pass it on to Brick.

Okay. Pass this on, too--

now there are worse things mom can do to your mouth

than make food for it.

Having bombed out with Axl and Sue,

Mike and I played the only card we had left.

Where you guys going?

Nowhere. Just taking Brick out for ice cream.

Um, I would actually love some ice cream.

No, not you guys. Just Brick.

10 bucks on toppings.

He goes for all the heavy stuff--

the brownie bits, gummi bears, circus cookies--

and nothing. He won't admit to anything.

I don't know. I just don't get it.

Why are these kids protecting each other?

Remember, ladies and... Scott,

today's work will determine your rotation spot.

Do well, you'll be teaching kindergarteners how to floss.

Do badly....

let's just say there are places I wouldn't put my hands

with ten gloves on.

I hope I get a good rotation.

Mrs. Armwood and I got off to a rocky start,

- and now it's like she's always up my-- - Frankie.

Aah!

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

Are you okay--

Ugh!

You know, lying is easier that I thought it would be,

and I got ice cream.

Clearly, we've been playing it wrong all these years.

What do you mean?

What I mean is that together, we are awesome.

But alone, only I am still awesome.

- Huh? - They made a huge mistake when they had three kids.

We outnumber them. So as long as we stick together,

we get stronger, and they get weaker.

There's nothing we can't do.

We don't want to clean a garage this weekend?

We don't like what's for dinner?

We wanna sell mom to a rich man?

We can do it.

Guys? Can you come out here, please?

Should we? What do you think?

Eh. Why not throw her a bone?

What is that?

It's from the church van.

The gift that keeps on givin'.

We like to call it the wheel of pain.

See, your dad and I know

that you've all been lying about the window.

And since no one has fessed up

and received their fair punishment,

we're gonna let the wheel decide who gets punished randomly.

Unless somebody wants to step up and admit anything?

No.

- No. - Nothing to admit.

Okay, then. Time to play.

Mike, why don't you tell us the categories?

- Thanks, Frankie. We have "8 P.M. - curfew"...

"No reading"...

And "no birthday party."

Ooh. I hope I get "no reading."

Come on, "no reading." Whoo!

That's not how the wheel of pain works, Axl.

"No reading" would be Brick's punishment

should the wheel land on it.

Your punishment would be "8 P.M. curfew."

So wait. If it lands on "no birthday party,"

that means I lose my "Sue-weet 16"?

See? Sue gets it.

No. It only happens once in a person's life.

That's so unfair.

Everyone has the same 1-in-3 chance to get punished, Sue.

But again, we don't have to spin at all,

if someone comes forward.

No? Okay.

Well, Mike, let 'er rip.

Round and round and round she goes.

Where she stops, nobody knows.

- No birthday party. - Oh, my God!

O-o-okay. Y-you know what?

That was just a practice spin to show how it works.

- You can't change the rules! - That's not fair.

Let's do it for real this time. Mike?

Yeah.

Round and round and round she goes.

Where she stops, no...

birthday party.

Again? No! It's rigged!

It's not rigged, Sue.

Then how come the wheel of pain always lands on me?

Tonight, or life in general?

Okay. This is the one that really counts.

No more do-overs.

Round and round, and, uh, you get it.

No!

I can't lose my party.

It's my Sweet 16.

It's the only birthday that has its own adjective.

Man, they are really playing hardball.

Got to admit, I did not see that one coming.

Oh, well.

"Oh, well"?

That's all you have to say?

You promised nothing bad would happen if we stuck together,

and now the worst possible thing is happening,

and it's only happening to me!

Taking one for the team, Sue-- there's no higher honor.

Screw the team!

I am gonna tell them what really happened!

It is the only way to get my "Sue-weet 16" back!

Sue, relax. You're gonna get your party.

How can you know that?

'Cause mom caves. She's a caver.

Axl's got a point, Sue.

Mom's all threat, no follow-through.

She's just a toothless old tiger.

You should have heard 'em, Mike.

Saying that I don't follow through.

That I'm a toothless old tiger.

Does that sound like me?

What, you don't think I have follow-through?

I have follow-through.

I get tired, okay? They wear me down.

So this time, stick to your guns.

Show 'em the tiger still has teeth.

But it's Sue's Sweet 16.

I can't take that away from her.

Then why'd you make the threat?

'Cause we're not allowed to hit 'em.

If you didn't want to take away Sue's party,

you never should have put it on the wheel of pain.

I was just so sure it was gonna land on Axl.

I kind of made his slice a little bigger.

What if it was the Glossners,

and I'm punishing Sue for nothing?

Okay. I won't cave.

So I was stuck sticking to my guns,

but as the days passed,

Sue wasn't making it any easier.

Hey, mom.

Uh, are we doing anything for my birthday tomorrow?

I mean, I know I'm not having a party, and I get it,

but I just wondered if we were, like,

having dinner as a family or something?

Not that we have to.

Mike, I think I figured it out.

You know, it just hit me--

I own a lot of plaid.

Sorry. What?

I figured out how to give Sue back her Sweet 16

without looking like a spineless caver.

How?

You be the spineless caver. Hear me out.

If you let her have the party, supposedly against my wishes,

then it's not really caving for you,

because you didn't make the threat.

And that way, we both get what we want.

And what is that again?

To maintain our authority as parents

but still let Sue have the party.

And what's this have to do with the window?

Ugh. Keep up, Mike.

It stopped being about the window a week ago.

Fine, Mike, have it your way.

Oh, Sue's right here. Go ahead. Tell her.

Tell her what you just told me.

Tell me what?

Well, apparently, your father thinks

that I'm being unreasonable,

and that you should have your party,

and it doesn't seem to matter what I say.

- Really? - Yep.

He said a girl's Sweet 16

is just too important to take away.

- He did? - Mm-hmm.

Personally, I think follow-through

is more important, 'cause I'm all about the follow-through.

But your dad's overruling me, I guess.

Yep. When I see a wrong, I right it.

Aha! Ha ha!

Oh-ho! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you! I love you so much, dad!

Mother.

That's right, Sue. For your gift,

you, me, and my mom have rear mezzanine seats

to see Debbie Reynolds in "Sugar Babies"!

- Aah! - Aah!

I don't know what that is, but it sounds amazing!

- Aah! - Aah!

Thanks, Brad!

I know this sounds bad,

but I hope your mom's vertigo comes back so I can go.

I thought the world was going to end on Thursday,

so I didn't get you anything. It felt impractical.

That's okay.

I got you this coupon

for one free beat-up of the person of your choice.

You can watch or not. It's your call.

Thanks so much, Becky. That's so sweet.

I'm just gonna go check on the hors d'oeuvres.

Hey, mom.

I know you and dad have sort of been at odds about my party.

But I am having a really good time,

so I hope you guys are over it.

Well, we're not. I'm still really mad at him,

because this is absolutely the opposite of what I wanted.

Okay, everybody! Time for birthday cake!

Hi, Axl.

Prom's in two months.

Yeah.

Um, you know I'm dating Cassidy, right?

So... probably taking her.

Oh. Cassidy seems really nice.

Can you get me a strand of her hair?

Okay. There we go.

Told you she'd cave.

I heard that, Axl.

- ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪ - And for your information, I did not cave.

Your father steamrolled me.

- ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪ - Yep. That's what I do.

I put my foot down and showed her who's boss.

Don't mess with me, Mike. I am still pissed.

And you know what? I am not talking to you.

Mm. Sue's birthday, and I got the gift.

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Make a wish, Sue.

I wish my parents would stop fighting,

and everything would go back to the way it was

before I drove a wedge between them.

What? Oh, Sue.

You guys are obviously so mad at each other,

and you're probably gonna get a divorce,

and it'll be all my fault.

No, Sue, it's not your fault, 'cause--

Wait. It's not my fault.

It's all our faults.

We did it. We're the ones who broke the window.

That's not true. She's lying.

I'm lying.

No. I am not taking the fall for you guys anymore.

We all broke the window, and we blamed the Glossners,

and we lied. And we lied.

So there it was--

the confession I'd been waiting for,

but it wasn't quite as satisfying as I'd hoped.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry for everything.

This was supposed to be my Sweet 16,

and it's not sweet at all.

It's sour. This is a Sour 16.

No, Sue, wait. Your dad and I aren't fighting.

We just made it up so you could have your party.

So you're not getting a divorce?

Not today.

Really?

Then this truly is the sweetest Sweet 16 ever.

Because first it was sweet, and then it was sour,

and now it's sweet again, which, when you think about it,

only makes it even sweeter.

I guess Sue was right.

Having the sour moments in life

really does make the sweet ones sweeter.

At least I hope so.

'Cause turns out the only one with any follow-through

was Mrs. Armwood.

And her wheel of pain landed right on me.

Yep. My kids did the crime, and I did the time.

Yeah, I probably should have punished 'em,

but then it was sort of nice

the way they were all sticking up for each other.

Uh, wider, please.

Yeah, so the next time they try to pull anything,

I will definitely follow through.

How was your mom about this?

Well, obviously not that great with where you are.

I'm just kidding.

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

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