Original subtitles

PETE: Oh, my God. (moaning)

(shuddering moans)

Oh, my God. Oh, oh, my...

(muttering) God, that was incredible.

What happened? That was a little risky.

Wait, what do you mean, risky? What...

Is something going on down there? Is it...

Oh, no, no, that's not... No, no. I'm a...

This is a clean machine. Oh, okay.

What-what's up? Um, I have a mild case of

epilepsy, and I just had a little seizure, I think.

Oh, my God, Heather. No, I am so sorry.

I didn't realize I was bringing that on. I just...

Oh, no. Don't worry about it, because

you didn't do it. Well, you know, I was a

participant in it, for sure. No, it wasn't you at all.

Nothing you did affected me physically in any way, shape

or form. Uh, thank you.

(sighs) Just have to be more careful in the future so it

doesn't happen again. (sighs)

Yeah, of course. Yeah, 'cause...

Yeah, that should never happen again.

Look, the thing is, it was the best sex I ever had, okay?

Hands down. TACO: Wow, I thought the only

disease that was good for sex was low self-esteem.

I know, it's crazy, but there is nothing that can beat

epileptic sex. KEVIN: She's just epi-sexy.

Yeah, super epi-sexy. But I can't just be like,

"Well, let's hang out again and maybe, like, we'll get lucky and

there'll be a seizure." Like, that's not appropriate.

ANDRE: Hey, guys. What are you talking about?

Well, you now. Oh, these things?

Yeah, I need them. You don't need them.

Take them off. Those are prescribed?

100%. By an actual doctor?

I am a doctor. You're not an eye doctor.

All right, you know what? Guys, Andre obviously went to an

eye doctor who diagnosed him with lame eye.

I don't have lame eye. Well, let's hope not, because

I want your vision 100% clear this weekend when my team kicks

your team's ass. How have you gotten by in

this life without glasses or contacts?

I think it was kind of like a Daredevil thing.

I just, you know, felt by sonar. All right, bullshit.

Let's test your eyesight. Take your glasses off.

Okay, sure. How many fingers am I holding

up? I don't know, Jenny.

Wow, I guess he really does need them.

Oh, God, it's Taco. You-you can obviously hear

his voice. Well, he could have lame ear,

too. Guys, I am falling apart, but

at least I look fashionable doing it.

(exhaling loudly)

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

JENNY: All right. Here you go, guys.

Thank you. You-you guys excited for the

sleepover? I am ecstat...

Oh, my gosh, I spilled it. No, honey, it's okay.

It's fine. I'll just wash it and I'll send

it home with you tomorrow, okay? Thank you.

Buddy, are you all good here? You go play.

Hey, guess who invited himself over for dinner.

Hey. Hello. Ooh, Chinese.

Where'd you get it from? Oh, Mom made it.

Her chow mein is the best thing she makes.

Jenny doesn't make Chinese food.

What? No, I do. She does.

Let me show you how I made it in the kitchen.

Go in the kitchen. Shh!

Listen, listen. Listen, Andre, ever since

Ellie was a little girl, we would order Chinese food, and I

would serve it to her and I would say, "Look at what Mommy

made," and she would go, "Mmm, Mommy, this is so good."

She loves it. And now she's, like, super

proud of me, and I can't break her heart.

This is a very sad fairy tale you've dreamed.

Andre, you want to stay for this dinner, you got to go along

with the long con. Sounds more like the,

uh, won con. What?

Or won con soup? We're not laughing because

this is serious, Andre. We're also not laughing

because that's a stupid joke. Oh, I see, uh, ancient

Chinese secret. You know what, you didn't see

anything. Now, stop it!

Okay, I got to go the bathroom.

Is there an elaborate story behind that?

Is there a special toilet genie that's collecting poop and pee

to bring back to his village? No, just no wipes.

You don't have to tell me that twice.

Don't you need your glasses? Oh, door.

Stop doing that, Andre. Where am I?

Oh, Jenny, remind me, next week will you make some of your

famous Big Macs? Oh, sorry.

Oh, who's that? Excuse me?

Who is that? Oh, big head, low hair line.

Kevin! Yes.

How are you? Well, not good, considering I

just saw you staring at my scout team.

Every player that I'm pinpointing.

Basically, my whole strategy for the year.

Oh, good thing I didn't have my glasses, 'cause I-I'm as

blind as a bat. I mean, I thought that was an

abacus. And considering your past of

cheating this year, I would think that you would really,

really be very careful before you considered a second

infraction. That's why it's so good that

I didn't wear my glasses, 'cause I am blind.

Good. I'm telling you, I didn't see

a... Great, 'cause we're playing

each other this week. Remember that, and I would want

everything to be above board. Absolutely.

Okay, bathroom's that way.

So, what do you want to do? Want to watch TV?

Okay. Great.

What's wrong with your TV? I don't know.

Did you pay the bill? It's football season.

I paid my bill. I tell you what, you just keep

watching the TV, and I'll cycle through all the inputs, okay?

Okay. Item one.

It's HDMI one. Item two.

Nope, nope, just turn it off. How about some music?

Okay. You're gonna like this.

Okay. (aggressive rock music playing)

Yeah! What is this?

This is my jam. This is, like, murder music.

I spin to this. That's worse!

You got to watch the visualizer and listen to it.

I can't listen to this one second more.

Well, you got to... That's the worst thing I've

ever heard in my life. I'm trying to set the mood.

Well, you don't need to set the mood.

I'm here and I'm already in the mood.

You know what, it's a good thing we didn't do this last night.

Why? I had another stupid seizure.

Last night? That sucks.

That you're having these seizures, and I'm not there with

you. But the good news is it's

never happened to me two days in a row.

Oh, good. So we are good to go.

Come on. All right.

So we had sex, and, you know, it was pretty great.

It just wasn't... So normal sex isn't good for

you anymore. You just wants epi-sex.

Kind of. Well, once you figure out

what you want, all you have to do is be honest with her.

Honesty is the best policy. Right, Andre?

Yeah, that's why they call me Honest Andre.

By the way, that was a great pickup with Juwan Thompson.

Oh, yeah, right? Broncos v. the Rams?

Forget it. Forget about it.

That guy's gonna destroy. You know what's surprising

is he's only owned in 19% of leagues.

I-I actually had him on my scout team, but I didn't have the

stones to pull the trigger. But you did, Andre.

How'd you do it? Anyway, I would say, just be

truthful. I did the research.

Great. I'm gonna get a drink.

Anyone want a drink? Honestly, I-I couldn't.

Okay. God, that son of a bitch.

I caught him looking at my scout team without his glasses.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, I'm pulling a

guilt con on Andre. Just gonna play up the honesty

theme. Honesty, okay, let me try it.

Uh, Kevin, "You're a really good brother," is a phrase that's

been a lie every time I've said it.

Oh. Whew, what a load off.

Yeah, this feels good. You know what else feels

good? Someone's mouth on my wiener!

Rafi's here. Yeah.

Look at this guy, right? Who wants another round?

Guys, I'm buying. My women's self-defense class is

making me pretty flush right now.

Oh, God, PYH. Protect Your Holes, my

self-defense course for women, has exploded in popularity.

I'm even teaching a self-defense self-defense class where I teach

the guys how to defend themselves against the defense

techniques that I've taught the girls.

Oh, so this new class is, like, Protect Your Poles?

Ooh, Brian, that is we're best friends, man.

You're the only person I care about, and I would straight-up

stab the other three of these guys and take off with you

right now. You're running a class that's

highly offensive to women. Oh, no, in fact, it's highly

defensive. It's a self-defense class,

Brian. Duh!

The best part of the whole thing is I do it in bullet time.

Please tell me you're not shooting bullets at your class.

I'm talking about bullet time from The Matrix.

Where the guy, Lord Elrond from Lord of the Rings is shooting a

gun at the dude from The Lake House, and the dude from The

Lake House is all, like... Whoa!

And all the bullets are just, like, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

And they all miss him. So what I do is I take, like, a

whole bunch of speed, I get all ramped up, and then I'm moving

in regular time, and everybody else is moving in slow-motion.

And I'm like, booge, booge, buh-booge, buh-booge, buh-booge.

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, Rafi. That's self-defense.

No, it's not. You're having sex with them.

I think I'm... Tall Guy, come at me.

I don't really need to... Tall Guy, come at me!

Am I supposed to be the man or the woman?

Doesn't matter. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, no! (shouting)

Stop! You want me to stop?

Yes! See, first mistake.

That's consent. Protect your holes, Pete.

And your pole. He'd be putting up way more

of a fight if he didn't like it. Get off, Rafi.

(mumbling) He's fine.

We're just having fun. No, we're not having fun.

You're taking it too far, Rafi. (groans)

Are those your mints? Yes, these are my mints,

Rafi. Okay, is this your pocket

dog? No, it's not my pocket dog,

Rafi. Oh, guess it's mine.

How are your holes? Unprotected.

I could've been inside you in, like, a second.

To be fair, I didn't teach you the final move in self-defense

self-defense. Self-de-feces.

Excuse me? It's a protective shit.

When someone's trying to get in, you start sending something out.

You can't just decide to take a shit.

It's a three-step process. One, think about taking a shit.

Two, relax your sphincter. Three, oh...

(groans) Oh, no.

What? Oh, boy.

This isn't my bad, guys. My God, Rafi!

Get out of here! No, it's okay. It's okay.

Mrs. MacArthur, I wanted to tell you about a fun project we

have going on at the school, where the kids take turns

bringing in their favorite family recipes for the class to

enjoy and share. Oh, that is fun.

And next week is Ellie's turn.

Oh! I want you to make your

world-famous chow mein. Your chow mein is just

extraordinary. Oh, wow.

Please make the chow mein. That is very culturally

adventurous of you. Yeah, I am pretty darn

adventurous. Okay, I'm gonna pencil you in

for next week. Great.

Alison! Hi, sweetheart. Hi.

Oh, why don't you get your bag, Ellie.

Can I talk to your mom alone? Hey, Cheryl.

Hi. I hope Alison had fun at the

sleepover the other night. Actually, I think that she

had a little too much fun. She came home smelling strongly

of, um... marijuana.

No. Yes.

Really? Oh, Cheryl. She's so young to start using.

(laughs) A-Alison is not using.

Someone in your house is using. Honey, let's go get some ice

cream, huh? Does she have the munchies?

(sighs) Kevin, there's been a lot of

distrust between us, and that's why I propose that this week, we

set each other's lineup. I like that idea, Andre.

It's like a fantasy football trust fall.

I'm glad that you like this. And I kind of just started

playing around here, and I got all your guys in there.

Looks great. I'll take it so. You trust me?

I trust you. Submit.

Great, well, then submit. Lineup locked.

Okay, so now, let's do your lineup.

You know what, I'm actually getting a bit of glare off your

glasses. Let me just take these off.

Just put these over here. Well, I can't...

I can't see without these. That's not really an issue,

though, Andre, because you trust me, don't you?

As I trusted you when you set my lineup.

(grunting) Okay, who do you want to be your

number one running back this week?

What about, uh, Eddie Lacy? Yeah.

You know, going to Philadelphia.

He's gonna have a monster week. Let's move Eddie Lacy

up to your running back position.

Boom. You okay?

Uh, I feel like it looks like a different name there.

Well, don't strain yourself. No, I'm not... Just...

Andre, Andre, trust me. Are you nearsighted or

farsighted? That's the thing, it goes in

and out, that's the, uh, you know?

Mm-hmm. I do have a question.

Okay. I feel like Eddie Lacy's

such a small name... Mm-hmm.

...and this is like such a big name there, right?

That's my eyes, damn these eyes. Hey.

Look at me the best you can. I trust you and I want you to

trust me. So... I trust you.

Submit. Huh? Let's shake on it, Andre.

All right, come here. Good job.

Good talk.

Shit. (sniffing)

What the...? (sniffs)

Oh, God! Taco!

What's up? Why are you in my garage?

I was eating. No, what are you doing?

Oh, come on... Don't you know what running the

dryer does to weed? Oh, it's gonna smell like

clothes now. Are you using our dryer as a

guest bong? No, my guest bong's your fire

extinguisher. This is my guest stash.

I was trying to be considerate by putting it somewhere you

don't use. I use my dryer!

I don't believe you. Your kids are never wearing

clean clothes. You know what?

I have bigger issues with my kids.

Do you know I have to cook chow mein for Ellie's entire class?

Oh, you're finally learning how to cook?

That's great, that's really gonna help you find a man.

I have a man. Mmm...

I need a recipe for chow mein.

Oh, well, I know a really good Chinese chef.

You do? He's my Eskimo stepbrother.

Step...? Yeah, we had sex with the

same girl in an exercise class. Ah.

Welcome to the kitchen of M?nage ? Cinq.

Everything is set up here for our chow mein demonstration.

Thank you so much for letting us do this in your restaurant

before it's even open. It's a pleasure to have a

master chef in here. Everyone...

Hey, guys. This is Lee Wei Lee.

Ah, Master Chef. We are so excited to have you in

our restaurant. I'm gonna take off.

There's an organic, three-penis wine market that just opened up.

I hear they sell wine from the dicks of grass-fed animals.

That's healthy. See you guys later.

Ah, Master Chef, I like your glasses, eh?

Great minds think alike? Oh, I guess he wants to get us

started. Okay. Let's go. Okay.

Ooh... (sniffs)

You know, I've read about this.

What? Master chefs don't often use

utensils. They just use their hands and...

I'm so sorry, Master... Boy!

Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you, Master Chef.

I think he likes... me. How am I... how am I doing,

chef, huh? (Lee humming)

Do I keep... (Lee continues humming)

Let him guide your hands. (sniffing)

Dude, it's okay if he smells you.

Thank you, chef. (Lee grunting)

Whoosh... Yeah... okay, so... now we

are... whoosh. Ooh.

This doesn't seem sanitary. Hee!

(laughing) Okay.

Okay. You know, chef, I actually

made my own noodles last night. I was wondering if you would

taste them and see how I did. Try the noodles?

(sniffs) Oh...

(Lee humming) What are you...

(Lee laughing) Ooh, Lee Wei Lee's making his

head noodles. Those are good.

Taco, what is this guy's deal?

Is he... frittata? Uh, yeah.

I mean, look at him. Why would you not tell me

that? What? 'Cause I don't

stigmatize people like that. I don't go around saying that

about Chalupa Batman. What?

Come on, Lee Wei Lee, let's get out of here.

(Lee howls) Yes, get away from these

horrible people. It's this way... it's...

He can't see through the dough. Just make holes in the dough.

No wonder he kept on touching the pot.

And the worst part is, I thought we were learning something.

You did? Yeah, very, like...

Hi-yo! Whoa.

Look at this! Wow.

What is that? Well, I heard you were

opening a new kitchen, so I brought you a toilet.

Okay, get that out of here. We cannot have that in the

kitchen. But what happens when the

guys who are preparing the food need to take a shit?

They go to the bathroom. Oh, what, so they're gonna

pick up all this stuff they're working with, bring it to the

bathroom so they can keep working while they go?

Okay, you know what? Duly noted.

That guy that just left-- pasta for hair, dough for face?

Yeah. That's Lee Wei Lee, isn't it?

Yeah. Yes, it was.

I knew it. That guy's dating my

ex-girlfriend. What?

Gail, the human garbage can? Swimming instructor?

Yeah, and it's making me crazy.

No, see, this guy is... mentally challenged.

(laughs) I don't like him, either.

But apparently, he's some bigwig in the restaurant biz.

He's got a chauffer that drives him around in this, like, little

yellow bus everywhere. Meanwhile, you know, I'm riding

a ten-speed that I stole from an 11-year-old.

Ugh. Pittsburgh-Tennessee. This game is as low-scoring as

your team, Andre. Ha. Great.

God, Taco. Because of you, now I have to

learn how to cook this stupid chow mein all by myself.

Okay, why don't you just order the Chinese food?

No one will know. Ellie has to document my

process for her class, so I have to look like I know what I'm

doing. Well, even though you guys

are horrible, narrow-minded people, Lee Wei Lee offered to

help you guys again. No.

Yeah, apparently he liked the way you smell, so...

Mmm. No, thank you. Hey, that's a compliment.

Oh, Andre, this is so terrible.

I'm sorry. 96 to 43?

You didn't pick any of the players I asked for.

I guess my vision's just a little bit foggy.

You know what? Maybe I need glasses, too.

That could be it. No. You know what?

I'm getting a beer. Give me your eye doctor's

phone number, Andre. (Rafi screaming)

Oh, God! Oh, thank God you're here.

What is going on? I've got a B.D.E.

What is that? I've got a broken dick

emergency. I need to see a doctor.

Where's Andre? There.

Andre? Andre, look at this!

Andre, look at this! Oh, my God!

Look at this! My God, Rafi, stop!

(Rafi shouting) Look at this, Andre!

It's leaking! Oh... oh, God, oh, God, oh,

God. Don't walk away, Andre!

Oh, my God. Some things you cannot unsee.

Only if you see them first. You're not wearing your glasses,

Andre. Ah ha ha ha!

No? Ah, the gig is up.

Well, you all fell prey to my elaborate hoax.

No, we didn't. No.

What, you didn't fall for it? No.

You knew the whole time? Of course.

So the whole honesty thing, that wasn't real?

So, wait, we don't have to be honest anymore?

No. I love you guys.

Ohh... okay. Feel a little bit better now.

That was disgusting. What is going on down there?

Yeah, right? I was teaching my self-defense

class and one of those girls, she really caught me with a

shiv. Right at the base, too.

And I was real hard. You know how much blood's in

your dick when you're real hard? So all that just came pouring

right out. Ugh...

But I think I got it settled down now.

How? I opened up your mayo, ga

And mayonnaise has healing properties, the Indians used it.

What happened to that whole bullet time thing?

Exactly! Right? I took, like, 45 of these things

and nothing happened. All I have now is fresh breath

and a broken dick.

Hang on, hang on. What?

I need more mints. Pete, you're like 30 deep in

those. Your breath is fine. But these mints are so

god damn good. Okay, carpe diem! Seize the day!

Come here! (laughing)

Okay! Whoa.

I'm feeling a little hot. Yes, baby, you are hot.

I'm in the clouds. Yeah, you're in the clouds.

Yeah? (gibbering)

Oh, God! Oh, whatever you're doing, don't

stop it. Oh, my God, don't stop.

Oh, my God, don't ever stop! You're like Superman.

Oh! Oh...

(laughing)

Oh, my God, what was that? I did not think you could make

me feel that good. Pete? Pete?

Pete? What?

Pete, are you okay? Did I miss the seizure?

Oh... Filthy.

Godspeed, Jenny. Godspeed those children's

digestive systems. Oh... where is it?

Where is it? Wait, did you sleep here last

night, Taco? I can't find it.

Taco, what are you looking for?

I don't understand, it was right there. Where is it?

What are you looking for? No, no, no, no, no!

Why would you do that? My weed!

Your wife stole it. You sure it's not already in

here? Some of it, but not the most

of it. Well, where did you leave it

last, Taco? I hid it in the Chinese

spices and now it's gone.

Kids, this is chow mein, courtesy of Mrs. MacArthur.

Looks different, Mom. Shh.

Okay, enjoy. Again, Sheryl, I am mortified

about the whole clothes in the dryer thing... I'm so sorry.

Don't even... don't worry about it.

I have a mentally unstable homeless brother-in-law, too.

Oh. I feel like every family has one.

(Sheryl laughs) I hope I can pull off this whole

chow mein deal. It's not up to my regular

standards. Oh, I don't know.

I think people are really enjoying it.

Oh, my God. This is the best chow mein of my

life. What is your secret?

Is that cumin? Uh...

It's amazing, right? It's amazing, it is amazing!

Is this my body? Am I weak?

It's amazing. Everything is cursive.

Everything is cursive... I feel like I fell off the

world. I'm so hungry.

(laughing) I'm falling.

I hate geometry! Ah!

(laughing) Oh, my...

There's marijuana in here. No, that's impossible.

Is this what I think it is? Oh, my God.

(children laughing) Kids, stop eating.

Stop eating immediately. She is never coming over to your

house. Ah...!

(laughing) I'm gonna get fired.

I'm gonna get fired! (laughing): I never liked you.

(giggling) Hey, Gail.

Rafi. What are you doing here?

I realize now that even though you're a piece of

garbage, I shouldn't have thrown you away.

You know what, Rafi? You're too little, too late,

okay? I'm with Lee Wei Lee now.

Oh, come on! What's he got that I don't have?

This is a man of style, of sophistication...

There are times when we just look into each other's eyes for

hours... and just get lost. He doesn't have to say anything.

It's poetry in his eyes. There's a real, like,

powerful innocence there. It's like he sees right... right

into my heart. He has empathy.

Huh? When a fire truck goes by, he

starts shrieking... (Lee shrieking)

...and imitating it. It's very, very loud.

You know? Because he feels for the people they're going to

save. I get it, Gail.

He's-he's the total package. Look, I'm not opposed to a

three-way situation, here, but I'm not leaving this for this.

This guy clearly has everything, but does he love you

as much as I do? Does he spend every waking

minute of his life stalking you? Does he wake up in the morning

in your closet, sneak out, make you breakfast and then hide in

another closet so that he can watch you eat that breakfast?

That was you? Of course that was me.

Didn't you know? I... no.

No! Whoa!

Okay, guys, seriously, don't fight over me.

This ends now! Okay!

(grunting) What? Whoa, what?

There is so much slapping. No!

Ah! (Lee laughs)

(Rafi laughs) (grunting)

Oh! Oh!

They're killing each other! For me!

(grunting) Go to sleep.

(Lee grunts) Does it... what?

(sniffing) What... what did you do?

Self-defeces? Oh, no, self-defeces?

Yeah. Oh, my God, he used my own

move against me.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0