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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,502 ANDRE: Hey, do you have any coasters? 2 00:00:01,589 --> 00:00:03,589 PETE: No. That's one of the amazing things about this 3 00:00:03,591 --> 00:00:05,591 place-- you can use the furniture as actual furniture. 4 00:00:05,593 --> 00:00:07,593 Go ahead, you should try it. TACO: This place is way 5 00:00:07,595 --> 00:00:10,138 better than our house. KEVIN: You mean, my house. 6 00:00:10,258 --> 00:00:13,092 Yeah, this place is real... dicey! 7 00:00:13,094 --> 00:00:15,027 What is that? Holy shit. 8 00:00:15,029 --> 00:00:16,963 RUXIN: That's not comedy. You need to take that stand-up 9 00:00:16,965 --> 00:00:19,131 class again, Andre. I actually am taking that 10 00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:21,667 stand-up class again. I failed the first time. 11 00:00:21,669 --> 00:00:23,669 (laughter) But I think it'll be fun to be 12 00:00:23,671 --> 00:00:25,872 the fun doctor around the office. 13 00:00:25,874 --> 00:00:28,274 Andre, you don't want to be the funny doctor. 14 00:00:28,276 --> 00:00:30,276 The last car to go down that road was Patch Adams. 15 00:00:30,278 --> 00:00:32,278 I beg to differ, and that's why I hope you all join me at my 16 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,480 stand-up comedy showcase. Oh, no! 17 00:00:34,482 --> 00:00:36,883 Oh, God. You have to go. 18 00:00:36,885 --> 00:00:38,885 Look, it's a bringer show. If there's no one in the 19 00:00:38,887 --> 00:00:40,887 audience, I can't perform. I got a lot bigger problems 20 00:00:40,889 --> 00:00:42,989 than Andre's shitty comedy show. My buy-week issues are insane. 21 00:00:42,991 --> 00:00:44,891 That's right, you're coming up against Pete-top, 22 00:00:44,893 --> 00:00:47,126 Kevin-bottom. I don't give a shit about 23 00:00:47,128 --> 00:00:49,128 that. My players are amazing. If I pick somebody up, I got to 24 00:00:49,130 --> 00:00:51,130 drop somebody really valuable. I mean, what am I gonna do, drop 25 00:00:51,132 --> 00:00:53,299 Percy Harvin? He's coming back. 26 00:00:53,301 --> 00:00:55,501 Don't want to drop him. Mm-hmm. 27 00:00:55,503 --> 00:00:57,403 I think, at this point, the smartest thing to do-- not pick 28 00:00:57,405 --> 00:00:59,839 up anybody. What? 29 00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:02,041 I'm gonna start my team down two players. 30 00:01:02,043 --> 00:01:03,976 Why? It's kind of the ultimate 31 00:01:03,978 --> 00:01:05,878 move in fantasy disrespect. I'm gonna play you with one hand 32 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:07,680 tied behind my back. And you're gonna lose. 33 00:01:07,682 --> 00:01:09,715 Am I, though? Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna beat 34 00:01:09,717 --> 00:01:11,918 you. Will you? 35 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,920 Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna set the lineup that's gonna knock 36 00:01:13,922 --> 00:01:15,922 you out of the park. Will it? 37 00:01:15,924 --> 00:01:18,024 Yeah, 'cause I'm not gonna... Oh, you think you're gonna make 38 00:01:18,026 --> 00:01:19,859 me overthink this? It's interesting to think 39 00:01:19,861 --> 00:01:21,827 about. Well, I'm not going to, okay, 40 00:01:21,829 --> 00:01:23,930 'cause I know I'm gonna win even when you have your... 41 00:01:23,932 --> 00:01:26,098 I don't know what game you're... It's not a... I'm fine. I... 42 00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,100 I'm not spending any extra time on this, you're not gonna mess 43 00:01:28,102 --> 00:01:30,102 with my head. Won't I? 44 00:01:30,104 --> 00:01:32,171 You're not. Hey, I like your lamp. 45 00:01:32,173 --> 00:01:34,867 It's like a big old dick! What was that? 46 00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:35,839 That's a joke. 47 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,943 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 48 00:01:41,063 --> 00:01:44,303 So, Jenny, the philosophy behind our investment club is to 49 00:01:44,423 --> 00:01:47,858 empower women. We are very particular about who 50 00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:50,260 we let into the Lucrative Ladies Club. 51 00:01:50,262 --> 00:01:52,729 Yes, very particular. We're looking for women who 52 00:01:52,731 --> 00:01:55,365 are... impressive. You could be impressive. 53 00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:57,868 You might be impressive. JENNY: I would love to be 54 00:01:57,870 --> 00:02:00,070 impressive. Okay, and there's also a 55 00:02:00,072 --> 00:02:03,306 social aspect of this club, yes? We're looking for husbands who 56 00:02:03,308 --> 00:02:08,945 are equally impressive. My husband... is... very 57 00:02:08,947 --> 00:02:11,381 impressive. It seems like every day, I catch 58 00:02:11,383 --> 00:02:13,750 myself saying, "I can't believe you just did that." 59 00:02:13,752 --> 00:02:15,952 Is he well-read? Well-kept? 60 00:02:15,954 --> 00:02:17,954 Well-spoken? Well... 61 00:02:17,956 --> 00:02:19,923 What's his name? Kevin. 62 00:02:19,925 --> 00:02:25,495 Hmm. Kevin Arian Foster Fitzgerald 63 00:02:25,497 --> 00:02:27,998 Peterson MacArthur, the third. Hmm. 64 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,433 Hmm. But ever since his prep 65 00:02:30,435 --> 00:02:32,802 school days, we all just call him Kip. 66 00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:35,238 Kip. Mm-hmm. 67 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,607 Kip. I'd love to meet Kip. Me, too. Thank you. 68 00:02:37,609 --> 00:02:40,143 The other day, I was at the bank, and, um, my teller was 69 00:02:40,145 --> 00:02:43,313 this old Southern shrimp boat captain, so I gave him a 20, and 70 00:02:43,315 --> 00:02:45,315 he was like, (Southern accent): "Oh, a $20 bill. 71 00:02:45,317 --> 00:02:47,684 Oh, now how do you want that? You want two tens?" 72 00:02:47,686 --> 00:02:50,120 And I was like, "Hey, just give me whatever you want." 73 00:02:50,122 --> 00:02:52,522 He's like, "No, no, I got to keep 'em separated. 74 00:02:52,524 --> 00:02:54,925 I keep 'em all separated." Okay, that's good. 75 00:02:54,927 --> 00:02:57,994 What is that? Uh, that's... is Crawdad Man. 76 00:02:57,996 --> 00:03:00,931 Remember, class, just because you don't have 77 00:03:00,933 --> 00:03:03,333 talent doesn't mean you can't make it in this industry. 78 00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:05,669 I tell myself that every day, yeah. 79 00:03:05,671 --> 00:03:08,104 It takes hard work, perseverance. 80 00:03:08,106 --> 00:03:10,507 You want to be the person who lights their farts on fire at a 81 00:03:10,509 --> 00:03:12,509 party? No. 82 00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:14,511 Or do you want to be the person who lights their farts on 83 00:03:14,513 --> 00:03:17,314 fire on a stage? Whoa, whoa. I can do that? 84 00:03:17,316 --> 00:03:19,783 It's an option for you. Okay, like a farting mime? 85 00:03:19,785 --> 00:03:21,718 Like, I'll be, like... 86 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:27,524 No? Okay. That's something I can work on. 87 00:03:27,526 --> 00:03:29,893 I can work on that. You need to do your thing. 88 00:03:29,895 --> 00:03:32,162 Okay. You need to find your truth. 89 00:03:32,164 --> 00:03:34,631 What is your thing? I don't know. Tell me. 90 00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:36,733 You are an untalented, uncharismatic, nondescript, 91 00:03:36,735 --> 00:03:38,969 balding white male? And that's very difficult to 92 00:03:38,971 --> 00:03:41,171 pull off. That's your thing, so you got 93 00:03:41,173 --> 00:03:43,206 to work with it. Oh, I need a... I need a 94 00:03:43,208 --> 00:03:45,408 better thing. I need a thing like-like her 95 00:03:45,410 --> 00:03:47,611 thing, you know? Well, what's my thing? 96 00:03:47,613 --> 00:03:49,579 You know what your thing is. No, actually, I don't know 97 00:03:49,581 --> 00:03:51,781 what my thing is. What's my thing? 98 00:03:51,783 --> 00:03:53,583 You're doing it right now, right? 99 00:03:53,585 --> 00:03:55,585 What is it? What is it? What's my thing? 100 00:03:55,587 --> 00:03:57,621 Guys, tell her. Whatever this thing is that 101 00:03:57,623 --> 00:03:59,689 you say I got, why you can't tell me what it is? 102 00:03:59,691 --> 00:04:01,825 'Cause I'm not saying it's a bad thing, not saying it's a 103 00:04:01,827 --> 00:04:03,927 good thing, I like your thing, but you got a thing. 104 00:04:03,929 --> 00:04:06,029 Okay, that's... You know what your thing is? 105 00:04:06,031 --> 00:04:07,430 You're an idiot. How about that? 106 00:04:07,432 --> 00:04:09,432 Okay. By the way, I'm giving you a compliment, okay? 107 00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:11,534 You know what? Shut up. What all comics need to do 108 00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:14,804 is you need to say the things people are afraid to say. 109 00:04:14,806 --> 00:04:19,309 You got to find the specifics. Gonna bees, uh, specific! 110 00:04:19,311 --> 00:04:21,711 Is that Hitler? Okay, I got it. 111 00:04:21,713 --> 00:04:23,913 Bitch, let me tell you something. 112 00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,915 Hey, was that supposed to be me? 113 00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,717 Aha. You're admitting you have a thing. 114 00:04:27,719 --> 00:04:29,319 Please don't make me come up there. 115 00:04:29,321 --> 00:04:31,087 Okay, Ben, you're next. Uh, tip your waitress. 116 00:04:31,089 --> 00:04:32,922 Can you stop talking? Okay. Just... (mumbling) 117 00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,624 No, don't tap. No talking, no... 118 00:04:34,626 --> 00:04:39,729 Okay. Keep 'em separated. Hmm. "Welcome to the Total 119 00:04:39,731 --> 00:04:44,668 Gym XL." Height: six-three. 120 00:04:44,670 --> 00:04:50,640 Weight: One... eighty... 163. 121 00:04:50,642 --> 00:04:53,977 "How do you feel?" Good. 122 00:04:53,979 --> 00:04:57,347 Good overall, but surely, there are elements that can be 123 00:04:57,349 --> 00:05:00,617 improved. "I don't appreciate how Jenny is 124 00:05:00,619 --> 00:05:02,986 constantly emasculating me in front of the guys. 125 00:05:02,988 --> 00:05:05,355 It's embarrassing. And I'm not exactly where I 126 00:05:05,357 --> 00:05:07,957 thought I'd be in my career. I figured by this time, I would 127 00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:11,861 be at least Judge MacArthur or Senator MacArthur. 128 00:05:11,863 --> 00:05:14,798 Certainly not District Attorney MacArthur." 129 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,635 Assistant District Attorney. Hey, babe, what you doing? 130 00:05:18,637 --> 00:05:21,004 Hey. What's up? Look at this, huh? 131 00:05:21,006 --> 00:05:23,440 Yeah. Got it all ready to go. 132 00:05:23,442 --> 00:05:25,809 You still gonna love me when I'm jacked? 133 00:05:25,811 --> 00:05:28,111 Does jacked mean you can fit back into your tux? 134 00:05:28,113 --> 00:05:30,113 Probably not the pants. Big news. 135 00:05:30,115 --> 00:05:32,882 The LLC approved me. Oh! 136 00:05:32,884 --> 00:05:35,318 The Lucrative Ladies Club. I'm in. I'm a lady. 137 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,320 Congratulations. That's awesome. 138 00:05:37,322 --> 00:05:39,489 I know. I'm so excited. What kind of club is it? 139 00:05:39,491 --> 00:05:42,525 It's just a really great group of women, and we talk 140 00:05:42,527 --> 00:05:44,861 about just investments. Investments? 141 00:05:44,863 --> 00:05:47,063 Yeah. All right, well, don't worry 142 00:05:47,065 --> 00:05:49,499 about it, okay? I've got us taken care of. 143 00:05:49,501 --> 00:05:51,868 You do? Yeah. I've been investing for 144 00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:54,070 years now. Stocks, CDs, bonds? 145 00:05:54,072 --> 00:05:57,006 No, I've-I've got funds. Mutual funds? 146 00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,409 Not exactly. Just, more like, you know, 147 00:05:59,411 --> 00:06:02,812 different funds stashed... throughout the house. 148 00:06:02,814 --> 00:06:05,982 You know, like, I have a pizza fund and a kid fund and a little 149 00:06:05,984 --> 00:06:08,551 fun fund. What's a fun fund? 150 00:06:08,553 --> 00:06:10,920 For when, like, I go to the batting cages. 151 00:06:10,922 --> 00:06:13,156 You go to the batting cages? I used to, but they make you 152 00:06:13,158 --> 00:06:15,225 wear a helmet, and they don't have one that fits my head. 153 00:06:15,227 --> 00:06:17,427 Right. It sounds like you have a really good handle on our 154 00:06:17,429 --> 00:06:19,829 finances. Yeah, I do. 155 00:06:19,831 --> 00:06:21,831 If you're cool with it, I might still play around with the 156 00:06:21,833 --> 00:06:24,033 ladies, just for social reasons. You can do what you want, but 157 00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:26,436 I got us. Been investing. 158 00:06:26,438 --> 00:06:28,405 I'm all over the place, diversified. 159 00:06:28,407 --> 00:06:30,440 You're diversified throughout our house. 160 00:06:30,442 --> 00:06:32,208 I love you. All right, know that I have 161 00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:34,277 taken care of you. Remember that. 162 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,913 (door closes) "I feel like she's beginning to 163 00:06:36,915 --> 00:06:39,349 doubt my financial acumen. Maybe I should start a 164 00:06:39,351 --> 00:06:41,751 therapist's fund." No, no, no. 165 00:06:41,753 --> 00:06:44,120 That would just take away from my pizza fund. 166 00:06:44,122 --> 00:06:47,690 Ooh, pizza would be really good right now. 167 00:06:49,848 --> 00:06:51,849 So I said to the patient, "You have Alzheimer's." 168 00:06:52,009 --> 00:06:54,009 And he said to me, "What's the bad news?" 169 00:06:54,011 --> 00:06:56,011 (chuckling) He died later that month. 170 00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:58,892 Hi, Dr. Ewing, hi. Oh, Dr. Nowzick, hello. 171 00:06:59,012 --> 00:07:00,644 Hey, how you guys doing tonight? 172 00:07:00,646 --> 00:07:02,646 It's actually 11:30 a.m. You ever notice that 173 00:07:02,648 --> 00:07:05,016 hospitals are kind of like the set of Star Wars? 174 00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:08,252 I mean, what's this guy, uh, a old school R2-D2? 175 00:07:08,254 --> 00:07:11,155 Like... (beeping) Just a medical cart. 176 00:07:11,157 --> 00:07:12,823 Where's that Princess Leia hologram? 177 00:07:12,825 --> 00:07:14,825 Princess Leia, hello? Princess Leia? 178 00:07:14,827 --> 00:07:16,527 I wouldn't go... No, that's not Princess Leia. 179 00:07:16,529 --> 00:07:18,529 That's highly toxic used needles. 180 00:07:18,531 --> 00:07:20,164 You probably contracted something. 181 00:07:20,166 --> 00:07:22,166 Oh, well, uh, then help me, Obi-Wan. 182 00:07:22,168 --> 00:07:24,201 I haven't seen all the Star Wars movies, but I don't 183 00:07:24,203 --> 00:07:26,203 believe that Obi-Wan can help you with Hepatitis C. 184 00:07:26,205 --> 00:07:28,205 (chuckling) Thank you. 185 00:07:28,207 --> 00:07:30,307 You know what, if you want the show to continue, just 186 00:07:30,309 --> 00:07:32,309 follow me right into this room. Is there a medical emergency 187 00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:34,311 of some kind? Oh, it's actually a joke 188 00:07:34,313 --> 00:07:36,347 emergency. We have other rounds to... 189 00:07:36,349 --> 00:07:38,549 Uh, it is... it is actually a medical emergency, so come, 190 00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:42,286 please, yes? Oh, my goodness. 191 00:07:42,288 --> 00:07:46,123 What do we have here? Looks like someone in a coma. 192 00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:48,125 Yes, he appears stable though. 193 00:07:48,127 --> 00:07:50,294 (British accent): "Oh, hello. My name's Joe." 194 00:07:50,296 --> 00:07:52,463 I'm beginning to suspect this is not a medical emergency. 195 00:07:52,465 --> 00:07:54,732 "No, we're just being a little cheeky, right? 196 00:07:54,734 --> 00:07:57,068 Behave." This man will be moved to 197 00:07:57,070 --> 00:07:59,737 hospice later today. Please let him die with dignity 198 00:07:59,739 --> 00:08:02,173 or at least as part of a more coherent act. 199 00:08:02,175 --> 00:08:06,010 Oh, oh, oh Barely alive, barely alive 200 00:08:06,012 --> 00:08:08,345 This is the saddest day this ward has ever seen, and this is 201 00:08:08,347 --> 00:08:11,348 the terminal ward. Maybe he's, uh, a Southern 202 00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:13,384 shrimp boat captain. (Southern accent): "Oh, you got 203 00:08:13,386 --> 00:08:15,419 to keep 'em separated. You got to keep 'em separated or 204 00:08:15,421 --> 00:08:17,488 they're gonna eat themselves..." What? What's going on here? 205 00:08:17,490 --> 00:08:20,057 Who are you? "Hey! Nice sweater! 206 00:08:20,059 --> 00:08:23,094 Bill Cosby called. He wants his closet back." 207 00:08:23,096 --> 00:08:25,996 We are his family. Oh. 208 00:08:25,998 --> 00:08:30,501 You must be so proud. He's in a coma. 209 00:08:30,503 --> 00:08:35,106 So proud and so sad. So I got to pick a stage name. 210 00:08:35,108 --> 00:08:38,742 I'm thinking either Diamond Doc Nowzick, huh? 211 00:08:38,744 --> 00:08:42,580 Or I wear all my scrubs and I call myself Dr. Laughs. 212 00:08:42,582 --> 00:08:45,516 What about Lamey Foxx? I have a lot of good stuff. 213 00:08:45,518 --> 00:08:48,185 Paula Shitstone. Okay, what's up with delis, 214 00:08:48,187 --> 00:08:50,354 right? You go into... Oh, no. 215 00:08:50,356 --> 00:08:52,389 What? Wait, no, no, no, no, no. 216 00:08:52,391 --> 00:08:54,391 You guys are not supposed to be here. 217 00:08:54,393 --> 00:08:56,527 Why? I told you, today is my 218 00:08:56,529 --> 00:08:59,530 Lucrative Ladies Club meeting. I am trying to maintain the 219 00:08:59,532 --> 00:09:02,433 impression of being a classy, sophisticated lady about town. 220 00:09:02,435 --> 00:09:05,369 That is your problem right there. 221 00:09:05,371 --> 00:09:08,038 I have spent all morning clearing out all of the 222 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,708 classless shit in this house, and that includes all of you 223 00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:12,710 guys, okay? So this frittata rodeo has got 224 00:09:12,712 --> 00:09:14,745 to hit the road. I don't think so. 225 00:09:14,747 --> 00:09:16,747 I drove all the way out to the suburbs; I'm staying. 226 00:09:16,749 --> 00:09:18,916 Yeah, I need an audience to workshop my bits. 227 00:09:18,918 --> 00:09:21,418 (groans) Fine, you guys can stay in here. 228 00:09:21,420 --> 00:09:23,821 Do not go in there. Do not make a sound. 229 00:09:23,823 --> 00:09:26,223 I will let you know when you can come out. 230 00:09:26,225 --> 00:09:28,459 So we can have our bro time, we just got to do it Anne Frank 231 00:09:28,461 --> 00:09:30,594 style? (knocking) 232 00:09:30,596 --> 00:09:33,564 Coming. My God. 233 00:09:33,566 --> 00:09:36,267 Okay. Good-bye, trashy magazines. 234 00:09:36,269 --> 00:09:39,603 Maude. How are you? 235 00:09:39,605 --> 00:09:41,839 It's so good to see you. Good to see you. 236 00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:44,608 Hello, hi. Please come in. 237 00:09:44,610 --> 00:09:48,179 Oh, Corbusier. Did you see the retrospective? 238 00:09:48,181 --> 00:09:50,648 Oh, who didn't? God, wonderful. 239 00:09:50,650 --> 00:09:52,917 Where's Kip? Kip? 240 00:09:52,919 --> 00:09:55,786 Yeah. Kip is doing social work 241 00:09:55,788 --> 00:09:59,023 today. Mm-hmm. He works with inner-city 242 00:09:59,025 --> 00:10:01,859 kids, teaching them to cook with gredients from the urban 243 00:10:01,861 --> 00:10:04,328 garden that they planted together. 244 00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:06,297 Wow, yeah, I've read about that. 245 00:10:06,299 --> 00:10:08,532 Yeah, I read about that, too. Yeah, and then from there, he 246 00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:10,601 goes straight to his advanced Italian class. 247 00:10:10,603 --> 00:10:13,270 He is obsessed with the idea of writing me poetry in Italian. 248 00:10:13,272 --> 00:10:15,606 Aw. Aw. 249 00:10:15,608 --> 00:10:18,609 Yeah, he's something else. (men cheering in distance) 250 00:10:18,611 --> 00:10:21,946 That Kip. Um, you know, I have a plumber 251 00:10:21,948 --> 00:10:24,982 in the garage, I know. He's plumbing. 252 00:10:24,984 --> 00:10:27,117 Just make yourselves comfortable. 253 00:10:27,119 --> 00:10:29,787 There's wine and cheese. All right, great, thank you. 254 00:10:29,789 --> 00:10:32,356 Oh, look at, the kid's got a block on the outside. 255 00:10:32,358 --> 00:10:34,358 Yeah! (whooping) 256 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,860 That was a good block. Hey, shh! 257 00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:39,563 What part of "keep it down" don't you understand, Kip? 258 00:10:39,565 --> 00:10:41,999 Who's Kip? Hey, hey, give me that back. 259 00:10:42,001 --> 00:10:45,002 Kevin, just... No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey! 260 00:10:45,004 --> 00:10:47,905 That's our lifeline! Bitches be trippin'. 261 00:10:47,907 --> 00:10:49,840 Andre, no. 262 00:10:49,842 --> 00:10:56,046 I can hear something. I'm basically the father 263 00:10:56,048 --> 00:10:58,382 figure around here. That is taken care of. 264 00:10:58,384 --> 00:11:00,551 They can't take care of themselves. 265 00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:02,553 People ask me for advice. I give it to them. 266 00:11:02,555 --> 00:11:04,755 I don't charge them for it. Ladies, Taco, hi. 267 00:11:04,757 --> 00:11:06,824 Hey, Jenny. What are you doing here? 268 00:11:06,826 --> 00:11:09,193 Taco Corp is looking for funding, so I decided to pop in. 269 00:11:09,195 --> 00:11:12,196 I am so sorry. And I am so grateful. 270 00:11:12,198 --> 00:11:14,665 Thank you for bringing in a guest speaker. 271 00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:17,234 All right, Mr. Taco, let's talk Taco Corp. 272 00:11:17,236 --> 00:11:19,703 What kind of businesses do you dabble in? 273 00:11:19,705 --> 00:11:21,705 Well, Taco Corp is multi-faceted. 274 00:11:21,707 --> 00:11:23,707 We have dealings in telecommunications. 275 00:11:23,709 --> 00:11:25,743 Excellent, excellent. Ringtones. 276 00:11:25,745 --> 00:11:27,678 Textiles. Nice. 277 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,380 Pee bibs. We develop weapons for the 278 00:11:29,382 --> 00:11:31,048 military. Wow. 279 00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:32,850 The brown note? We're working on cloud 280 00:11:32,852 --> 00:11:34,718 technology. Yes, of course. 281 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,720 Our Taco is always in the cloud. 282 00:11:36,722 --> 00:11:38,956 I'm in the cloud right now. Wow. 283 00:11:38,958 --> 00:11:40,958 Yeah, and the whole operation began out of a storage 284 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,860 container. Whoa. 285 00:11:42,862 --> 00:11:45,095 Whoa. That he still lives in. 286 00:11:45,097 --> 00:11:47,298 And what kind of tax shelter do you recommend? 287 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,366 I don't recommend shelters at all. 288 00:11:49,368 --> 00:11:51,602 Stop using them three years ago. Very risky. 289 00:11:51,604 --> 00:11:53,737 You can get murdered in one of those things. 290 00:11:53,739 --> 00:11:55,973 Wow, you're operating on a whole different level than us. 291 00:11:55,975 --> 00:11:58,642 That's the cloud. Oh, cheers, cheers. 292 00:11:58,644 --> 00:12:00,911 To Taco Corp. Taco Corp. 293 00:12:00,913 --> 00:12:05,082 To Taco Corp. Oh, boy. 294 00:12:05,084 --> 00:12:09,219 Mmm, mmm. More. 295 00:12:09,221 --> 00:12:12,122 You guys want to hear about the time I sold cowboys.com back to 296 00:12:12,124 --> 00:12:15,225 the Cowboys? Yes, please. 297 00:12:15,227 --> 00:12:17,461 Yes, please. You guys hungry? 298 00:12:17,463 --> 00:12:19,830 We have bread, we have meat, we have cheese. 299 00:12:19,832 --> 00:12:22,132 I love you, good-bye. Whoa, hey. 300 00:12:22,134 --> 00:12:24,568 You know, sometimes she treats me like an animal. 301 00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:29,440 I'm not an animal. (grunting) 302 00:12:29,442 --> 00:12:32,810 What is that? This is Kevin's diary, where 303 00:12:32,812 --> 00:12:35,612 he writes all of his specific thoughts about his reps. 304 00:12:35,614 --> 00:12:37,815 Observation notebook. It's my journal, and I'm not 305 00:12:37,817 --> 00:12:40,017 doing this here, all right? So, thank you. 306 00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:42,086 Well, one thing I can do here is make an announcement. 307 00:12:42,088 --> 00:12:44,321 Pete, I will also be playing seven players this weekend. 308 00:12:44,323 --> 00:12:46,857 So you are gonna lose fair and square, my friend. 309 00:12:46,859 --> 00:12:49,259 Why would you do that? Well, 'cause he's never gonna 310 00:12:49,261 --> 00:12:51,762 let me live it down. If I beat him and he's only got 311 00:12:51,764 --> 00:12:53,864 seven players, he's gonna make a whole thing out of it. 312 00:12:53,866 --> 00:12:55,999 That's stupid, Ruxin. You realize that just because 313 00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:58,202 you are the Sacko, you don't have to actually be the worst. 314 00:12:58,204 --> 00:13:00,037 Yeah, and he doesn't even have a choice. 315 00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:01,872 You have a choice. So I'll just play 316 00:13:01,874 --> 00:13:03,540 all nine guys. Are you gonna welch now? 317 00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:05,209 What? You gonna chicken out? 318 00:13:05,211 --> 00:13:06,877 Oh, yeah, now you can't welch. 319 00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:08,545 Welcher! You're a welcher, bro. 320 00:13:08,547 --> 00:13:10,347 You said you were gonna do it; now you're not gonna 321 00:13:10,349 --> 00:13:12,216 do it. Flip-flop, flip-flop... You know what, guys, if he 322 00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:14,284 wants to start an extra player, let him start Wes Welcher. 323 00:13:14,286 --> 00:13:16,186 It's fine. You know what... 324 00:13:16,188 --> 00:13:18,021 Oh, oh, very funny. You know what, the puppeteer 325 00:13:18,023 --> 00:13:20,791 moving all the strings here. This is all collusion. 326 00:13:20,793 --> 00:13:22,960 You guys have been planning this from the beginning, and you know 327 00:13:22,962 --> 00:13:24,995 what, I've had enough! I don't need this. I'm out. 328 00:13:24,997 --> 00:13:27,297 You brought this on. I'm leaving, I'm leaving. 329 00:13:27,299 --> 00:13:30,000 Bye, Wes Welcher. Hey, Kevin, your wife, 330 00:13:30,002 --> 00:13:32,336 Ariel Castro's, locked us in the garage. 331 00:13:32,338 --> 00:13:34,471 I'm going out the garage door! Hey, do you have 332 00:13:34,473 --> 00:13:36,573 a funny bone? Find out at my comedy show. 333 00:13:36,575 --> 00:13:38,976 Come on, hey, all right. What are you doing on Monday? 334 00:13:38,978 --> 00:13:41,545 There you go, all right. Comedy consultations. 335 00:13:41,547 --> 00:13:44,148 The doctor is in. Yes, thank you. 336 00:13:44,150 --> 00:13:46,550 What? Hey, give me those. My associates and I would 337 00:13:46,552 --> 00:13:50,087 like to build a paper boat! Just stop making a scene and 338 00:13:50,089 --> 00:13:52,189 go please. By the way, you smell of 339 00:13:52,191 --> 00:13:54,324 feces. It's not me; it's you. 340 00:13:54,326 --> 00:13:56,927 Kettle black. Good day. 341 00:13:56,929 --> 00:13:59,062 Oh... hey. Hey! 342 00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:01,432 Good day! 343 00:14:01,434 --> 00:14:07,504 Uh, actually, sir... I can't believe Taco got the 344 00:14:07,506 --> 00:14:10,107 LLC to go to Andre's stupid stand-up show. 345 00:14:10,109 --> 00:14:12,009 Taco told them it was worth seeing. 346 00:14:12,011 --> 00:14:13,877 They listen to everything Taco says. 347 00:14:13,879 --> 00:14:15,612 Who listens to anything Taco says? 348 00:14:15,614 --> 00:14:17,247 I don't know. The other day he called me up 349 00:14:17,249 --> 00:14:19,283 to tell me, "I like biscuits." I like biscuits. 350 00:14:19,285 --> 00:14:21,251 I like biscuits, too. But then he sent me a text later 351 00:14:21,253 --> 00:14:23,387 on: "I still like biscuits." I don't know what to tell 352 00:14:23,389 --> 00:14:25,189 you, but the ladies love him. So we're going. 353 00:14:25,191 --> 00:14:26,857 Awesome. So, uh, when do you want to 354 00:14:26,859 --> 00:14:28,525 leave? Oh. Um... 355 00:14:28,527 --> 00:14:31,061 I mean, I have errands to run. I can run errands. 356 00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:33,397 Tampons. I'm great with tampons now. 357 00:14:33,399 --> 00:14:36,467 I look directly at the cashier and I say, "Tampons, please," 358 00:14:36,469 --> 00:14:38,302 with a big smile. It's a power trip for me. 359 00:14:38,304 --> 00:14:40,103 You know what? I was just thinking we'd take 360 00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:41,972 separate cars. Wait, wait, wait. 361 00:14:41,974 --> 00:14:43,774 You don't want to be seen with me? 362 00:14:43,776 --> 00:14:45,776 I want to impress the Lucrative Ladies! 363 00:14:45,778 --> 00:14:47,444 Go ahead, go ahead. Go out, hang out with your 364 00:14:47,446 --> 00:14:48,679 friends. I love you. 365 00:14:48,681 --> 00:14:50,380 I feel like I look fine, though. 366 00:14:50,382 --> 00:14:52,282 I really do. Is this sweatshirt on backwards? 367 00:14:52,284 --> 00:14:54,696 'Cause the loops go down both sides, and I-I... 368 00:14:54,816 --> 00:14:56,417 Oh, bye, Kevin. ...I put it on both ways. 369 00:14:56,518 --> 00:14:57,421 I'll see you there. 370 00:14:59,413 --> 00:15:00,173 Where's my journal? 371 00:15:03,766 --> 00:15:07,212 Where's my journal? What'd she do with my journal? 372 00:15:08,195 --> 00:15:11,452 Where'd she put it? Oh! 373 00:15:11,572 --> 00:15:15,861 (sputters) (grunts) 374 00:15:15,950 --> 00:15:19,676 Did someone put it in here?! Jenny left, I can't find my journal. 375 00:15:22,730 --> 00:15:25,625 It's got to be here somewhere. (squishing) 376 00:15:25,627 --> 00:15:27,460 Oh... Oh, God! 377 00:15:27,462 --> 00:15:32,231 God, c-come on. Oh, I got to go. 378 00:15:32,351 --> 00:15:36,636 Oh, I got to go! Oh... Great. I'm a mess. 379 00:15:36,638 --> 00:15:40,072 And I have no time to change. Okay. 380 00:15:40,074 --> 00:15:42,008 Got to do what you got to do. 381 00:15:42,010 --> 00:15:46,412 Ah! Good evening, madam. 382 00:15:46,414 --> 00:15:49,348 We are here to see Dr. Laughs. Nope, I'm sorry. 383 00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,651 Not tonight, guys. But we have a legally binding 384 00:15:51,653 --> 00:15:53,886 contract. And we have a dress code. 385 00:15:53,888 --> 00:15:57,690 And I have a bathrobe. We demand service! 386 00:15:57,692 --> 00:15:59,559 We demand... Hi, hi! 387 00:15:59,561 --> 00:16:02,161 These are my guests, and, uh, they can put it all on the card. 388 00:16:02,163 --> 00:16:04,063 Now I can perform 'cause I have the right number of people, 389 00:16:04,065 --> 00:16:05,331 right? Okay. 390 00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:06,766 Okay, we have a two-drink minimum. 391 00:16:06,768 --> 00:16:10,670 Uh, don't worry. It's all going on the card. 392 00:16:10,672 --> 00:16:12,572 Oh... God. 393 00:16:12,574 --> 00:16:14,674 Smells like a diaper party. Yeah, except nobody's wearing a 394 00:16:14,676 --> 00:16:16,375 diaper. What can I get you to drink? 395 00:16:16,377 --> 00:16:18,411 Ah. Do you have any wood alcohol? 396 00:16:18,413 --> 00:16:20,546 No. I guess we'll have six red 397 00:16:20,548 --> 00:16:22,882 wine and Cokes. Hello! 398 00:16:22,884 --> 00:16:24,584 Hi. Hello, girlfriend. 399 00:16:24,586 --> 00:16:26,719 Hi, girlfriend. I was just asking Mr. Taco 400 00:16:26,721 --> 00:16:28,888 here what his next move in the market's gonna be. 401 00:16:28,890 --> 00:16:30,590 Oh. Market, well... 402 00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:33,860 My gut's telling me that I should be buying some fruit. 403 00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,628 The produce sector. Very intriguing. 404 00:16:35,630 --> 00:16:37,797 You're so brilliant. I know. 405 00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:39,732 Are you guys sleeping together? 406 00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:42,735 Define "sleeping." Hey, everybody, thanks for 407 00:16:42,737 --> 00:16:47,707 coming to the Bringer Showcase! I know you're all here because 408 00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:50,776 you had to be here, uh... that's why I'm here. 409 00:16:50,778 --> 00:16:54,480 So let's give it up for Diamond Doc Nowzick! 410 00:16:54,482 --> 00:16:57,450 (Taco whoops) Dr. Laughs. 411 00:16:57,452 --> 00:16:59,719 Dr. Laughs. Let's give it up for Dr. 412 00:16:59,721 --> 00:17:03,789 Laughs. You know, I'm kind of feeling 413 00:17:03,791 --> 00:17:05,458 the other one. I feel we should go back. 414 00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:08,961 Andre, come up here. Yeah, let's give it up. 415 00:17:08,963 --> 00:17:10,730 Yeah. All right. 416 00:17:10,732 --> 00:17:12,398 Yeah. Hey, everybody! 417 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,333 By the time you're done tonight, you're gonna need an emergency 418 00:17:14,335 --> 00:17:19,772 chuckle-ostomy. You ever notice, uh, when you're 419 00:17:19,774 --> 00:17:21,774 going to the bathroom out in a public place, there's always 420 00:17:21,776 --> 00:17:24,577 like, a, uh, long line for the ladies', very short line for the 421 00:17:24,579 --> 00:17:26,846 men's room... Here comes Crawdad Man. 422 00:17:26,848 --> 00:17:28,981 But in the middle there's a Southern boat captain who's 423 00:17:28,983 --> 00:17:32,318 like, (Southern accent): "Oh! You gotta keep 'em separated!" 424 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,587 'Cause, uh, you know, he's, like, Crawdad Man. 425 00:17:34,589 --> 00:17:36,989 Uh, excuse me. Yes, uh, some crowd work. 426 00:17:36,991 --> 00:17:40,960 When does the comedy start? (laughter) 427 00:17:40,962 --> 00:17:42,962 Maybe we'll do some observational stuff. 428 00:17:42,964 --> 00:17:44,630 Uh... How about we observe you 429 00:17:44,632 --> 00:17:47,700 leaving the stage? (laughter) 430 00:17:47,702 --> 00:17:49,535 This is amazing. Andre is losing a battle of wits 431 00:17:49,537 --> 00:17:51,370 with a hobo. Yeah. 432 00:17:51,372 --> 00:17:53,639 I thought you took the Hippocratic Oath to not make us 433 00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:55,775 sick. (laughter) 434 00:17:55,777 --> 00:17:59,312 Well, and I thought you took an oath of the audience member, 435 00:17:59,314 --> 00:18:01,314 which is to be quiet during the show. 436 00:18:01,316 --> 00:18:03,049 I will. Just let me know when the show 437 00:18:03,051 --> 00:18:05,284 starts. (laughter) 438 00:18:05,286 --> 00:18:07,853 That's what your m said before I had sex with her. 439 00:18:07,855 --> 00:18:11,958 Well, now you have gonorrhea. (laughter) 440 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,793 Really, everything's coming up Ruxin. 441 00:18:13,795 --> 00:18:16,696 I get to see Andre flail publicly, I'm gonna eke out a 442 00:18:16,698 --> 00:18:19,165 two-point win versus you, mano y mano. 443 00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,000 You know, there's still the Falcons and the Jets playing 444 00:18:21,002 --> 00:18:22,735 right now. Yeah, but you don't have 445 00:18:22,737 --> 00:18:24,670 anybody playing that game. Unless I decided last 446 00:18:24,672 --> 00:18:27,073 minute to pick up, like, a Harry Douglas and a Kellen 447 00:18:27,075 --> 00:18:29,008 Winslow off the free agent pile. You know, just to get a couple 448 00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:30,676 of points. No, that's not fair. 449 00:18:30,678 --> 00:18:32,345 That's collusion! How is that collusion? 450 00:18:32,347 --> 00:18:34,513 You're colluding with me against myself! 451 00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:36,315 Whoa, hey, simmer down there, fella. 452 00:18:36,317 --> 00:18:38,517 I don't come to your job and knock the mop out of your hands. 453 00:18:38,519 --> 00:18:42,021 I'm not a janitor, Andre. But you did just get broomed. 454 00:18:42,023 --> 00:18:45,992 (laughter) Hey, you guys like insult humor. 455 00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,660 All right. Hi. 456 00:18:47,662 --> 00:18:49,495 Uh, I'm here for Dr. Laughs or Dr. Giggles... 457 00:18:49,497 --> 00:18:51,497 I don't know what he's calling himself-- the unfunny doctor? 458 00:18:51,499 --> 00:18:53,332 Right this way. Who do we got? 459 00:18:53,334 --> 00:18:54,834 Your friends are right over here. 460 00:18:54,836 --> 00:18:56,736 No, I-I don't... I don't know these people. 461 00:18:56,738 --> 00:18:58,704 Ugh, more homeless. They'll let anybody in. 462 00:18:58,706 --> 00:19:00,406 It's gross. Take a seat, we have a show 463 00:19:00,408 --> 00:19:02,008 going on. I don't have anyone... 464 00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,542 Nice outfit, sir. What do you call that? 465 00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:05,411 Homeless chic? Where'd you get that? 466 00:19:05,413 --> 00:19:07,371 From sleeping in your car? Like he has a car! 467 00:19:07,373 --> 00:19:09,206 (laughter) Shut up... oh. Oh! 468 00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:11,050 Hey... hello. God, no. 469 00:19:11,052 --> 00:19:12,284 No! Ew! 470 00:19:12,286 --> 00:19:13,853 Ew! Oh, my God, do you know this 471 00:19:13,855 --> 00:19:15,087 guy? No. 472 00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:16,547 Yeah, she does. That's her husband. 473 00:19:16,549 --> 00:19:17,782 That's Kip? Kip? 474 00:19:17,784 --> 00:19:19,216 Kip? Hey, Kip. 475 00:19:19,218 --> 00:19:21,118 What the hell. This is my husband Kevin. 476 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,955 He keeps money in shoeboxes, is a total shit pig, and he is so 477 00:19:24,957 --> 00:19:28,025 much more fun than you guys. Good night. 478 00:19:28,027 --> 00:19:30,761 Whoa, Jenny! What are you wearing? 479 00:19:30,763 --> 00:19:33,297 I-I was really late, and I can't find my diary. 480 00:19:33,299 --> 00:19:35,266 Maybe it's because I found it. 481 00:19:35,268 --> 00:19:37,635 You guys want to hear a passage from his diary? 482 00:19:37,637 --> 00:19:39,437 No, no, Andre, those are my private reps! 483 00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:42,306 "Sometimes I wish I married someone smarter, because then at 484 00:19:42,308 --> 00:19:45,284 least my kids would have a chance to get a real job." 485 00:19:45,286 --> 00:19:47,411 (laughter) What? 486 00:19:47,413 --> 00:19:50,081 I don't... that's crazy. "I swear, half of my wife's 487 00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,284 vocabulary is just curse words." Oh, eat a dick, Andre. 488 00:19:53,286 --> 00:19:55,086 (laughter) Whoa! 489 00:19:55,088 --> 00:19:57,888 Her mouth is so dirty, you guys wouldn't even sleep in it. 490 00:19:57,890 --> 00:19:59,957 What kind of woman are you? I'm awesome. 491 00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,326 The kind of woman who takes her husband from behind. 492 00:20:02,328 --> 00:20:04,095 Kind of like I just did to your team. 493 00:20:04,097 --> 00:20:05,763 Oh, you watch your mouth. Whoa, these guys are 494 00:20:05,765 --> 00:20:07,898 fighting, these guys are fighting. 495 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,601 You know what you gotta do? You gotta keep 'em separated! 496 00:20:10,603 --> 00:20:12,403 (laughter) Bravo! Bravo! 497 00:20:12,405 --> 00:20:14,071 Taco! Oh, hey, Luther. 498 00:20:14,073 --> 00:20:16,841 You owe me $16 and a bag of old dinner rolls. 499 00:20:16,843 --> 00:20:18,609 Why would you write something like that? 500 00:20:18,611 --> 00:20:20,478 That was... those weren't my thoughts, that was just what I 501 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,146 was thinking! Oh, come on, dummy. 502 00:20:22,148 --> 00:20:24,181 For your information, I'm not the one who screwed you here. 503 00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:25,983 Yes, you are! I just convinced you to take 504 00:20:25,985 --> 00:20:27,918 your own dick and screw your own ass. 505 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:29,587 Well, let me tell you something, Pete! 506 00:20:29,589 --> 00:20:31,622 It feels just about the same! You know the rules, Luther. 507 00:20:31,624 --> 00:20:33,858 If you don't keep your dinner rolls in your cart, they're 508 00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:36,994 anyone's rolls. (roars) 509 00:20:36,996 --> 00:20:38,485 Whoa! That's my time! 510 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:42,014 You guys have been great! Keep 'em separated. 511 00:20:42,423 --> 00:20:53,127 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 512 00:20:53,177 --> 00:20:57,727 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 44825

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