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ANDRE: Hey, do you have any
coasters?
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00:00:01,589 --> 00:00:03,589
PETE: No. That's one of the
amazing things about this
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00:00:03,591 --> 00:00:05,591
place-- you can use the
furniture as actual furniture.
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00:00:05,593 --> 00:00:07,593
Go ahead, you should try it.
TACO: This place is way
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00:00:07,595 --> 00:00:10,138
better than our house.
KEVIN: You mean, my house.
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00:00:10,258 --> 00:00:13,092
Yeah, this place is real...
dicey!
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00:00:13,094 --> 00:00:15,027
What is that?
Holy shit.
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00:00:15,029 --> 00:00:16,963
RUXIN: That's not comedy.
You need to take that stand-up
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00:00:16,965 --> 00:00:19,131
class again, Andre.
I actually am taking that
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00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:21,667
stand-up class again.
I failed the first time.
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00:00:21,669 --> 00:00:23,669
(laughter)
But I think it'll be fun to be
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00:00:23,671 --> 00:00:25,872
the fun doctor around the
office.
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00:00:25,874 --> 00:00:28,274
Andre, you don't want to be
the funny doctor.
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00:00:28,276 --> 00:00:30,276
The last car to go down that
road was Patch Adams.
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00:00:30,278 --> 00:00:32,278
I beg to differ, and that's
why I hope you all join me at my
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00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,480
stand-up comedy showcase.
Oh, no!
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00:00:34,482 --> 00:00:36,883
Oh, God.
You have to go.
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00:00:36,885 --> 00:00:38,885
Look, it's a bringer show.
If there's no one in the
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00:00:38,887 --> 00:00:40,887
audience, I can't perform.
I got a lot bigger problems
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00:00:40,889 --> 00:00:42,989
than Andre's shitty comedy show.
My buy-week issues are insane.
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00:00:42,991 --> 00:00:44,891
That's right, you're coming
up against Pete-top,
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00:00:44,893 --> 00:00:47,126
Kevin-bottom.
I don't give a shit about
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00:00:47,128 --> 00:00:49,128
that. My players are amazing.
If I pick somebody up, I got to
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00:00:49,130 --> 00:00:51,130
drop somebody really valuable.
I mean, what am I gonna do, drop
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00:00:51,132 --> 00:00:53,299
Percy Harvin?
He's coming back.
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00:00:53,301 --> 00:00:55,501
Don't want to drop him.
Mm-hmm.
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00:00:55,503 --> 00:00:57,403
I think, at this point, the
smartest thing to do-- not pick
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00:00:57,405 --> 00:00:59,839
up anybody.
What?
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00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:02,041
I'm gonna start my team down
two players.
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00:01:02,043 --> 00:01:03,976
Why?
It's kind of the ultimate
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00:01:03,978 --> 00:01:05,878
move in fantasy disrespect.
I'm gonna play you with one hand
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00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:07,680
tied behind my back.
And you're gonna lose.
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00:01:07,682 --> 00:01:09,715
Am I, though?
Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna beat
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00:01:09,717 --> 00:01:11,918
you.
Will you?
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00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,920
Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna set
the lineup that's gonna knock
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00:01:13,922 --> 00:01:15,922
you out of the park.
Will it?
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00:01:15,924 --> 00:01:18,024
Yeah, 'cause I'm not gonna...
Oh, you think you're gonna make
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00:01:18,026 --> 00:01:19,859
me overthink this?
It's interesting to think
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00:01:19,861 --> 00:01:21,827
about.
Well, I'm not going to, okay,
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00:01:21,829 --> 00:01:23,930
'cause I know I'm gonna win even
when you have your...
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00:01:23,932 --> 00:01:26,098
I don't know what game you're...
It's not a... I'm fine. I...
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00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,100
I'm not spending any extra time
on this, you're not gonna mess
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00:01:28,102 --> 00:01:30,102
with my head.
Won't I?
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00:01:30,104 --> 00:01:32,171
You're not.
Hey, I like your lamp.
45
00:01:32,173 --> 00:01:34,867
It's like a big old dick!
What was that?
46
00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:35,839
That's a joke.
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00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,943
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:01:41,063 --> 00:01:44,303
So, Jenny, the philosophy
behind our investment club is to
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00:01:44,423 --> 00:01:47,858
empower women.
We are very particular about who
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00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:50,260
we let into the Lucrative Ladies
Club.
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00:01:50,262 --> 00:01:52,729
Yes, very particular.
We're looking for women who
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00:01:52,731 --> 00:01:55,365
are... impressive.
You could be impressive.
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00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:57,868
You might be impressive.
JENNY: I would love to be
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00:01:57,870 --> 00:02:00,070
impressive.
Okay, and there's also a
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00:02:00,072 --> 00:02:03,306
social aspect of this club, yes?
We're looking for husbands who
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00:02:03,308 --> 00:02:08,945
are equally impressive.
My husband... is... very
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00:02:08,947 --> 00:02:11,381
impressive.
It seems like every day, I catch
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00:02:11,383 --> 00:02:13,750
myself saying, "I can't believe
you just did that."
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00:02:13,752 --> 00:02:15,952
Is he well-read?
Well-kept?
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00:02:15,954 --> 00:02:17,954
Well-spoken?
Well...
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00:02:17,956 --> 00:02:19,923
What's his name?
Kevin.
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00:02:19,925 --> 00:02:25,495
Hmm.
Kevin Arian Foster Fitzgerald
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00:02:25,497 --> 00:02:27,998
Peterson MacArthur, the third.
Hmm.
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00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,433
Hmm.
But ever since his prep
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00:02:30,435 --> 00:02:32,802
school days, we all just call
him Kip.
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00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:35,238
Kip.
Mm-hmm.
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00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,607
Kip. I'd love to meet Kip.
Me, too. Thank you.
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00:02:37,609 --> 00:02:40,143
The other day, I was at the
bank, and, um, my teller was
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00:02:40,145 --> 00:02:43,313
this old Southern shrimp boat
captain, so I gave him a 20, and
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00:02:43,315 --> 00:02:45,315
he was like, (Southern accent):
"Oh, a $20 bill.
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00:02:45,317 --> 00:02:47,684
Oh, now how do you want that?
You want two tens?"
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00:02:47,686 --> 00:02:50,120
And I was like, "Hey, just give
me whatever you want."
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00:02:50,122 --> 00:02:52,522
He's like, "No, no, I got to
keep 'em separated.
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00:02:52,524 --> 00:02:54,925
I keep 'em all separated."
Okay, that's good.
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00:02:54,927 --> 00:02:57,994
What is that?
Uh, that's... is Crawdad Man.
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00:02:57,996 --> 00:03:00,931
Remember, class,
just because you don't have
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00:03:00,933 --> 00:03:03,333
talent doesn't mean you can't
make it in this industry.
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00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:05,669
I tell myself that every day,
yeah.
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00:03:05,671 --> 00:03:08,104
It takes hard work,
perseverance.
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00:03:08,106 --> 00:03:10,507
You want to be the person who
lights their farts on fire at a
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00:03:10,509 --> 00:03:12,509
party?
No.
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00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:14,511
Or do you want to be the
person who lights their farts on
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00:03:14,513 --> 00:03:17,314
fire on a stage?
Whoa, whoa. I can do that?
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00:03:17,316 --> 00:03:19,783
It's an option for you.
Okay, like a farting mime?
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00:03:19,785 --> 00:03:21,718
Like, I'll be, like...
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00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:27,524
No? Okay.
That's something I can work on.
87
00:03:27,526 --> 00:03:29,893
I can work on that.
You need to do your thing.
88
00:03:29,895 --> 00:03:32,162
Okay.
You need to find your truth.
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00:03:32,164 --> 00:03:34,631
What is your thing?
I don't know. Tell me.
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00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:36,733
You are an untalented,
uncharismatic, nondescript,
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00:03:36,735 --> 00:03:38,969
balding white male?
And that's very difficult to
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00:03:38,971 --> 00:03:41,171
pull off.
That's your thing, so you got
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00:03:41,173 --> 00:03:43,206
to work with it.
Oh, I need a... I need a
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00:03:43,208 --> 00:03:45,408
better thing.
I need a thing like-like her
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00:03:45,410 --> 00:03:47,611
thing, you know?
Well, what's my thing?
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00:03:47,613 --> 00:03:49,579
You know what your thing is.
No, actually, I don't know
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00:03:49,581 --> 00:03:51,781
what my thing is.
What's my thing?
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00:03:51,783 --> 00:03:53,583
You're doing it right now,
right?
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00:03:53,585 --> 00:03:55,585
What is it? What is it?
What's my thing?
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00:03:55,587 --> 00:03:57,621
Guys, tell her.
Whatever this thing is that
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00:03:57,623 --> 00:03:59,689
you say I got, why you can't
tell me what it is?
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00:03:59,691 --> 00:04:01,825
'Cause I'm not saying it's a
bad thing, not saying it's a
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00:04:01,827 --> 00:04:03,927
good thing, I like your thing,
but you got a thing.
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00:04:03,929 --> 00:04:06,029
Okay, that's...
You know what your thing is?
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00:04:06,031 --> 00:04:07,430
You're an idiot.
How about that?
106
00:04:07,432 --> 00:04:09,432
Okay. By the way, I'm giving
you a compliment, okay?
107
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:11,534
You know what? Shut up.
What all comics need to do
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00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:14,804
is you need to say the things
people are afraid to say.
109
00:04:14,806 --> 00:04:19,309
You got to find the specifics.
Gonna bees, uh, specific!
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00:04:19,311 --> 00:04:21,711
Is that Hitler?
Okay, I got it.
111
00:04:21,713 --> 00:04:23,913
Bitch, let me tell you
something.
112
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,915
Hey, was that supposed to be
me?
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00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,717
Aha. You're admitting you
have a thing.
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00:04:27,719 --> 00:04:29,319
Please don't make me come up
there.
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00:04:29,321 --> 00:04:31,087
Okay, Ben, you're next.
Uh, tip your waitress.
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00:04:31,089 --> 00:04:32,922
Can you stop talking?
Okay. Just... (mumbling)
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00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,624
No, don't tap.
No talking, no...
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00:04:34,626 --> 00:04:39,729
Okay. Keep 'em separated.
Hmm. "Welcome to the Total
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00:04:39,731 --> 00:04:44,668
Gym XL."
Height: six-three.
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00:04:44,670 --> 00:04:50,640
Weight: One... eighty...
163.
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00:04:50,642 --> 00:04:53,977
"How do you feel?"
Good.
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00:04:53,979 --> 00:04:57,347
Good overall, but surely, there
are elements that can be
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00:04:57,349 --> 00:05:00,617
improved.
"I don't appreciate how Jenny is
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00:05:00,619 --> 00:05:02,986
constantly emasculating me in
front of the guys.
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00:05:02,988 --> 00:05:05,355
It's embarrassing.
And I'm not exactly where I
126
00:05:05,357 --> 00:05:07,957
thought I'd be in my career.
I figured by this time, I would
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00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:11,861
be at least Judge MacArthur or
Senator MacArthur.
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00:05:11,863 --> 00:05:14,798
Certainly not District Attorney
MacArthur."
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00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,635
Assistant District Attorney.
Hey, babe, what you doing?
130
00:05:18,637 --> 00:05:21,004
Hey. What's up?
Look at this, huh?
131
00:05:21,006 --> 00:05:23,440
Yeah.
Got it all ready to go.
132
00:05:23,442 --> 00:05:25,809
You still gonna love me when I'm
jacked?
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00:05:25,811 --> 00:05:28,111
Does jacked mean you can fit
back into your tux?
134
00:05:28,113 --> 00:05:30,113
Probably not the pants.
Big news.
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00:05:30,115 --> 00:05:32,882
The LLC approved me.
Oh!
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00:05:32,884 --> 00:05:35,318
The Lucrative Ladies Club.
I'm in. I'm a lady.
137
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,320
Congratulations.
That's awesome.
138
00:05:37,322 --> 00:05:39,489
I know. I'm so excited.
What kind of club is it?
139
00:05:39,491 --> 00:05:42,525
It's just a really great
group of women, and we talk
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00:05:42,527 --> 00:05:44,861
about just investments.
Investments?
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00:05:44,863 --> 00:05:47,063
Yeah.
All right, well, don't worry
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00:05:47,065 --> 00:05:49,499
about it, okay?
I've got us taken care of.
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00:05:49,501 --> 00:05:51,868
You do?
Yeah. I've been investing for
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00:05:51,870 --> 00:05:54,070
years now.
Stocks, CDs, bonds?
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00:05:54,072 --> 00:05:57,006
No, I've-I've got funds.
Mutual funds?
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00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,409
Not exactly.
Just, more like, you know,
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00:05:59,411 --> 00:06:02,812
different funds stashed...
throughout the house.
148
00:06:02,814 --> 00:06:05,982
You know, like, I have a pizza
fund and a kid fund and a little
149
00:06:05,984 --> 00:06:08,551
fun fund.
What's a fun fund?
150
00:06:08,553 --> 00:06:10,920
For when, like, I go to the
batting cages.
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00:06:10,922 --> 00:06:13,156
You go to the batting cages?
I used to, but they make you
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00:06:13,158 --> 00:06:15,225
wear a helmet, and they don't
have one that fits my head.
153
00:06:15,227 --> 00:06:17,427
Right. It sounds like you
have a really good handle on our
154
00:06:17,429 --> 00:06:19,829
finances.
Yeah, I do.
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00:06:19,831 --> 00:06:21,831
If you're cool with it, I
might still play around with the
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00:06:21,833 --> 00:06:24,033
ladies, just for social reasons.
You can do what you want, but
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00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:26,436
I got us.
Been investing.
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00:06:26,438 --> 00:06:28,405
I'm all over the place,
diversified.
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00:06:28,407 --> 00:06:30,440
You're diversified throughout
our house.
160
00:06:30,442 --> 00:06:32,208
I love you.
All right, know that I have
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00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:34,277
taken care of you.
Remember that.
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00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,913
(door closes)
"I feel like she's beginning to
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00:06:36,915 --> 00:06:39,349
doubt my financial acumen.
Maybe I should start a
164
00:06:39,351 --> 00:06:41,751
therapist's fund."
No, no, no.
165
00:06:41,753 --> 00:06:44,120
That would just take away from
my pizza fund.
166
00:06:44,122 --> 00:06:47,690
Ooh, pizza would be really good
right now.
167
00:06:49,848 --> 00:06:51,849
So I said to the patient,
"You have Alzheimer's."
168
00:06:52,009 --> 00:06:54,009
And he said to me, "What's the
bad news?"
169
00:06:54,011 --> 00:06:56,011
(chuckling)
He died later that month.
170
00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:58,892
Hi, Dr. Ewing, hi.
Oh, Dr. Nowzick, hello.
171
00:06:59,012 --> 00:07:00,644
Hey, how you guys doing
tonight?
172
00:07:00,646 --> 00:07:02,646
It's actually 11:30 a.m.
You ever notice that
173
00:07:02,648 --> 00:07:05,016
hospitals are kind of like the
set of Star Wars?
174
00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:08,252
I mean, what's this guy, uh, aold school R2-D2?
175
00:07:08,254 --> 00:07:11,155
Like... (beeping)Just a medical cart.
176
00:07:11,157 --> 00:07:12,823
Where's that Princess Leiahologram?
177
00:07:12,825 --> 00:07:14,825
Princess Leia, hello?Princess Leia?
178
00:07:14,827 --> 00:07:16,527
I wouldn't go... No, that'snot Princess Leia.
179
00:07:16,529 --> 00:07:18,529
That's highly toxic usedneedles.
180
00:07:18,531 --> 00:07:20,164
You probably contractedsomething.
181
00:07:20,166 --> 00:07:22,166
Oh, well, uh, then help me,Obi-Wan.
182
00:07:22,168 --> 00:07:24,201
I haven't seen all the StarWars movies, but I don't
183
00:07:24,203 --> 00:07:26,203
believe that Obi-Wan can help
you with Hepatitis C.
184
00:07:26,205 --> 00:07:28,205
(chuckling)
Thank you.
185
00:07:28,207 --> 00:07:30,307
You know what, if you want
the show to continue, just
186
00:07:30,309 --> 00:07:32,309
follow me right into this room.
Is there a medical emergency
187
00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:34,311
of some kind?
Oh, it's actually a joke
188
00:07:34,313 --> 00:07:36,347
emergency.
We have other rounds to...
189
00:07:36,349 --> 00:07:38,549
Uh, it is... it is actually a
medical emergency, so come,
190
00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:42,286
please, yes?
Oh, my goodness.
191
00:07:42,288 --> 00:07:46,123
What do we have here?
Looks like someone in a coma.
192
00:07:46,125 --> 00:07:48,125
Yes, he appears stable though.
193
00:07:48,127 --> 00:07:50,294
(British accent): "Oh, hello.
My name's Joe."
194
00:07:50,296 --> 00:07:52,463
I'm beginning to suspect this
is not a medical emergency.
195
00:07:52,465 --> 00:07:54,732
"No, we're just being a
little cheeky, right?
196
00:07:54,734 --> 00:07:57,068
Behave."
This man will be moved to
197
00:07:57,070 --> 00:07:59,737
hospice later today.
Please let him die with dignity
198
00:07:59,739 --> 00:08:02,173
or at least as part of a more
coherent act.
199
00:08:02,175 --> 00:08:06,010
Oh, oh, oh
Barely alive, barely alive
200
00:08:06,012 --> 00:08:08,345
This is the saddest day this
ward has ever seen, and this is
201
00:08:08,347 --> 00:08:11,348
the terminal ward.
Maybe he's, uh, a Southern
202
00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:13,384
shrimp boat captain.
(Southern accent): "Oh, you got
203
00:08:13,386 --> 00:08:15,419
to keep 'em separated.
You got to keep 'em separated or
204
00:08:15,421 --> 00:08:17,488
they're gonna eat themselves..."
What? What's going on here?
205
00:08:17,490 --> 00:08:20,057
Who are you?
"Hey! Nice sweater!
206
00:08:20,059 --> 00:08:23,094
Bill Cosby called.
He wants his closet back."
207
00:08:23,096 --> 00:08:25,996
We are his family.
Oh.
208
00:08:25,998 --> 00:08:30,501
You must be so proud.
He's in a coma.
209
00:08:30,503 --> 00:08:35,106
So proud and so sad.
So I got to pick a stage name.
210
00:08:35,108 --> 00:08:38,742
I'm thinking either Diamond Doc
Nowzick, huh?
211
00:08:38,744 --> 00:08:42,580
Or I wear all my scrubs and I
call myself Dr. Laughs.
212
00:08:42,582 --> 00:08:45,516
What about Lamey Foxx?
I have a lot of good stuff.
213
00:08:45,518 --> 00:08:48,185
Paula Shitstone.
Okay, what's up with delis,
214
00:08:48,187 --> 00:08:50,354
right? You go into...
Oh, no.
215
00:08:50,356 --> 00:08:52,389
What?
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
216
00:08:52,391 --> 00:08:54,391
You guys are not supposed
to be here.
217
00:08:54,393 --> 00:08:56,527
Why?
I told you, today is my
218
00:08:56,529 --> 00:08:59,530
Lucrative Ladies Club meeting.
I am trying to maintain the
219
00:08:59,532 --> 00:09:02,433
impression of being a classy,
sophisticated lady about town.
220
00:09:02,435 --> 00:09:05,369
That is your problem right
there.
221
00:09:05,371 --> 00:09:08,038
I have spent all morning
clearing out all of the
222
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,708
classless shit in this house,
and that includes all of you
223
00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:12,710
guys, okay?
So this frittata rodeo has got
224
00:09:12,712 --> 00:09:14,745
to hit the road.
I don't think so.
225
00:09:14,747 --> 00:09:16,747
I drove all the way out to the
suburbs; I'm staying.
226
00:09:16,749 --> 00:09:18,916
Yeah, I need an audience to
workshop my bits.
227
00:09:18,918 --> 00:09:21,418
(groans) Fine, you guys can
stay in here.
228
00:09:21,420 --> 00:09:23,821
Do not go in there.
Do not make a sound.
229
00:09:23,823 --> 00:09:26,223
I will let you know when you can
come out.
230
00:09:26,225 --> 00:09:28,459
So we can have our bro time,
we just got to do it Anne Frank
231
00:09:28,461 --> 00:09:30,594
style?
(knocking)
232
00:09:30,596 --> 00:09:33,564
Coming.
My God.
233
00:09:33,566 --> 00:09:36,267
Okay.
Good-bye, trashy magazines.
234
00:09:36,269 --> 00:09:39,603
Maude.
How are you?
235
00:09:39,605 --> 00:09:41,839
It's so good to see you.
Good to see you.
236
00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:44,608
Hello, hi.
Please come in.
237
00:09:44,610 --> 00:09:48,179
Oh, Corbusier.Did you see the retrospective?
238
00:09:48,181 --> 00:09:50,648
Oh, who didn't?God, wonderful.
239
00:09:50,650 --> 00:09:52,917
Where's Kip?Kip?
240
00:09:52,919 --> 00:09:55,786
Yeah.Kip is doing social work
241
00:09:55,788 --> 00:09:59,023
today.Mm-hmm. He works with inner-city
242
00:09:59,025 --> 00:10:01,859
kids, teaching them to cook withgredients from the urban
243
00:10:01,861 --> 00:10:04,328
garden that they plantedtogether.
244
00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:06,297
Wow, yeah, I've readabout that.
245
00:10:06,299 --> 00:10:08,532
Yeah, I read about that, too.Yeah, and then from there, he
246
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:10,601
goes straight to his advancedItalian class.
247
00:10:10,603 --> 00:10:13,270
He is obsessed with the idea ofwriting me poetry in Italian.
248
00:10:13,272 --> 00:10:15,606
Aw.Aw.
249
00:10:15,608 --> 00:10:18,609
Yeah, he's something else.(men cheering in distance)
250
00:10:18,611 --> 00:10:21,946
That Kip.Um, you know, I have a plumber
251
00:10:21,948 --> 00:10:24,982
in the garage, I know.He's plumbing.
252
00:10:24,984 --> 00:10:27,117
Just make yourselvescomfortable.
253
00:10:27,119 --> 00:10:29,787
There's wine and cheese.All right, great, thank you.
254
00:10:29,789 --> 00:10:32,356
Oh, look at, the kid's got ablock on the outside.
255
00:10:32,358 --> 00:10:34,358
Yeah!(whooping)
256
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,860
That was a good block.Hey, shh!
257
00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:39,563
What part of "keep it down"don't you understand, Kip?
258
00:10:39,565 --> 00:10:41,999
Who's Kip? Hey, hey,give me that back.
259
00:10:42,001 --> 00:10:45,002
Kevin, just...No, no, no, no, no, no! Hey!
260
00:10:45,004 --> 00:10:47,905
That's our lifeline!Bitches be trippin'.
261
00:10:47,907 --> 00:10:49,840
Andre, no.
262
00:10:49,842 --> 00:10:56,046
I can hear something.I'm basically the father
263
00:10:56,048 --> 00:10:58,382
figure around here.That is taken care of.
264
00:10:58,384 --> 00:11:00,551
They can't take care ofthemselves.
265
00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:02,553
People ask me for advice.I give it to them.
266
00:11:02,555 --> 00:11:04,755
I don't charge them for it.Ladies, Taco, hi.
267
00:11:04,757 --> 00:11:06,824
Hey, Jenny.What are you doing here?
268
00:11:06,826 --> 00:11:09,193
Taco Corp is looking forfunding, so I decided to pop in.
269
00:11:09,195 --> 00:11:12,196
I am so sorry.And I am so grateful.
270
00:11:12,198 --> 00:11:14,665
Thank you for bringing in aguest speaker.
271
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:17,234
All right, Mr. Taco,let's talk Taco Corp.
272
00:11:17,236 --> 00:11:19,703
What kind of businesses do youdabble in?
273
00:11:19,705 --> 00:11:21,705
Well, Taco Corp ismulti-faceted.
274
00:11:21,707 --> 00:11:23,707
We have dealings intelecommunications.
275
00:11:23,709 --> 00:11:25,743
Excellent, excellent.Ringtones.
276
00:11:25,745 --> 00:11:27,678
Textiles.Nice.
277
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,380
Pee bibs.We develop weapons for the
278
00:11:29,382 --> 00:11:31,048
military.Wow.
279
00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:32,850
The brown note?We're working on cloud
280
00:11:32,852 --> 00:11:34,718
technology.Yes, of course.
281
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,720
Our Taco is always in thecloud.
282
00:11:36,722 --> 00:11:38,956
I'm in the cloud right now.Wow.
283
00:11:38,958 --> 00:11:40,958
Yeah, and the whole operationbegan out of a storage
284
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,860
container.Whoa.
285
00:11:42,862 --> 00:11:45,095
Whoa.That he still lives in.
286
00:11:45,097 --> 00:11:47,298
And what kind of taxshelter do you recommend?
287
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,366
I don't recommend shelters atall.
288
00:11:49,368 --> 00:11:51,602
Stop using them three years ago.Very risky.
289
00:11:51,604 --> 00:11:53,737
You can get murdered in one ofthose things.
290
00:11:53,739 --> 00:11:55,973
Wow, you're operating on awhole different level than us.
291
00:11:55,975 --> 00:11:58,642
That's the cloud.Oh, cheers, cheers.
292
00:11:58,644 --> 00:12:00,911
To Taco Corp.Taco Corp.
293
00:12:00,913 --> 00:12:05,082
To Taco Corp.Oh, boy.
294
00:12:05,084 --> 00:12:09,219
Mmm, mmm.More.
295
00:12:09,221 --> 00:12:12,122
You guys want to hear about thetime I sold cowboys.com back to
296
00:12:12,124 --> 00:12:15,225
the Cowboys?Yes, please.
297
00:12:15,227 --> 00:12:17,461
Yes, please.You guys hungry?
298
00:12:17,463 --> 00:12:19,830
We have bread, we have meat,we have cheese.
299
00:12:19,832 --> 00:12:22,132
I love you, good-bye.Whoa, hey.
300
00:12:22,134 --> 00:12:24,568
You know, sometimes she treatsme like an animal.
301
00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:29,440
I'm not an animal.(grunting)
302
00:12:29,442 --> 00:12:32,810
What is that?This is Kevin's diary, where
303
00:12:32,812 --> 00:12:35,612
he writes all of his specificthoughts about his reps.
304
00:12:35,614 --> 00:12:37,815
Observation notebook.It's my journal, and I'm not
305
00:12:37,817 --> 00:12:40,017
doing this here, all right?So, thank you.
306
00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:42,086
Well, one thing I can do hereis make an announcement.
307
00:12:42,088 --> 00:12:44,321
Pete, I will also be playingseven players this weekend.
308
00:12:44,323 --> 00:12:46,857
So you are gonna lose fair andsquare, my friend.
309
00:12:46,859 --> 00:12:49,259
Why would you do that?Well, 'cause he's never gonna
310
00:12:49,261 --> 00:12:51,762
let me live it down.If I beat him and he's only got
311
00:12:51,764 --> 00:12:53,864
seven players, he's gonna make awhole thing out of it.
312
00:12:53,866 --> 00:12:55,999
That's stupid, Ruxin.You realize that just because
313
00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:58,202
you are the Sacko, you don'thave to actually be the worst.
314
00:12:58,204 --> 00:13:00,037
Yeah, and he doesn't evenhave a choice.
315
00:13:00,039 --> 00:13:01,872
You have a choice.So I'll just play
316
00:13:01,874 --> 00:13:03,540
all nine guys.Are you gonna welch now?
317
00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:05,209
What?You gonna chicken out?
318
00:13:05,211 --> 00:13:06,877
Oh, yeah, now you can't welch.
319
00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:08,545
Welcher! You're awelcher, bro.
320
00:13:08,547 --> 00:13:10,347
You said you were gonnado it; now you're not gonna
321
00:13:10,349 --> 00:13:12,216
do it. Flip-flop, flip-flop...You know what, guys, if he
322
00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:14,284
wants to start an extra player,let him start Wes Welcher.
323
00:13:14,286 --> 00:13:16,186
It's fine.You know what...
324
00:13:16,188 --> 00:13:18,021
Oh, oh, very funny.You know what, the puppeteer
325
00:13:18,023 --> 00:13:20,791
moving all the strings here.This is all collusion.
326
00:13:20,793 --> 00:13:22,960
You guys have been planning thisfrom the beginning, and you know
327
00:13:22,962 --> 00:13:24,995
what, I've had enough!I don't need this. I'm out.
328
00:13:24,997 --> 00:13:27,297
You brought this on.I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
329
00:13:27,299 --> 00:13:30,000
Bye, Wes Welcher.Hey, Kevin, your wife,
330
00:13:30,002 --> 00:13:32,336
Ariel Castro's, locked us in thegarage.
331
00:13:32,338 --> 00:13:34,471
I'm going out the garage door!Hey, do you have
332
00:13:34,473 --> 00:13:36,573
a funny bone?Find out at my comedy show.
333
00:13:36,575 --> 00:13:38,976
Come on, hey, all right.What are you doing on Monday?
334
00:13:38,978 --> 00:13:41,545
There you go, all right.Comedy consultations.
335
00:13:41,547 --> 00:13:44,148
The doctor is in.Yes, thank you.
336
00:13:44,150 --> 00:13:46,550
What? Hey, give me those.My associates and I would
337
00:13:46,552 --> 00:13:50,087
like to build a paper boat!Just stop making a scene and
338
00:13:50,089 --> 00:13:52,189
go please.By the way, you smell of
339
00:13:52,191 --> 00:13:54,324
feces.It's not me; it's you.
340
00:13:54,326 --> 00:13:56,927
Kettle black.Good day.
341
00:13:56,929 --> 00:13:59,062
Oh... hey.Hey!
342
00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:01,432
Good day!
343
00:14:01,434 --> 00:14:07,504
Uh, actually, sir...I can't believe Taco got the
344
00:14:07,506 --> 00:14:10,107
LLC to go to Andre's stupidstand-up show.
345
00:14:10,109 --> 00:14:12,009
Taco told them it was worthseeing.
346
00:14:12,011 --> 00:14:13,877
They listen to everything Tacosays.
347
00:14:13,879 --> 00:14:15,612
Who listens to anything Tacosays?
348
00:14:15,614 --> 00:14:17,247
I don't know.The other day he called me up
349
00:14:17,249 --> 00:14:19,283
to tell me, "I like biscuits."I like biscuits.
350
00:14:19,285 --> 00:14:21,251
I like biscuits, too.But then he sent me a text later
351
00:14:21,253 --> 00:14:23,387
on: "I still like biscuits."I don't know what to tell
352
00:14:23,389 --> 00:14:25,189
you, but the ladies love him.So we're going.
353
00:14:25,191 --> 00:14:26,857
Awesome.So, uh, when do you want to
354
00:14:26,859 --> 00:14:28,525
leave?Oh. Um...
355
00:14:28,527 --> 00:14:31,061
I mean, I have errands to run.I can run errands.
356
00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:33,397
Tampons.I'm great with tampons now.
357
00:14:33,399 --> 00:14:36,467
I look directly at the cashierand I say, "Tampons, please,"
358
00:14:36,469 --> 00:14:38,302
with a big smile.It's a power trip for me.
359
00:14:38,304 --> 00:14:40,103
You know what?I was just thinking we'd take
360
00:14:40,105 --> 00:14:41,972
separate cars.Wait, wait, wait.
361
00:14:41,974 --> 00:14:43,774
You don't want to be seen withme?
362
00:14:43,776 --> 00:14:45,776
I want to impress theLucrative Ladies!
363
00:14:45,778 --> 00:14:47,444
Go ahead, go ahead.Go out, hang out with your
364
00:14:47,446 --> 00:14:48,679
friends.I love you.
365
00:14:48,681 --> 00:14:50,380
I feel like I look fine,though.
366
00:14:50,382 --> 00:14:52,282
I really do.Is this sweatshirt on backwards?
367
00:14:52,284 --> 00:14:54,696
'Cause the loops go down bothsides, and I-I...
368
00:14:54,816 --> 00:14:56,417
Oh, bye, Kevin....I put it on both ways.
369
00:14:56,518 --> 00:14:57,421
I'll see you there.
370
00:14:59,413 --> 00:15:00,173
Where's my journal?
371
00:15:03,766 --> 00:15:07,212
Where's my journal?
What'd she do with my journal?
372
00:15:08,195 --> 00:15:11,452
Where'd she put it?
Oh!
373
00:15:11,572 --> 00:15:15,861
(sputters)
(grunts)
374
00:15:15,950 --> 00:15:19,676
Did someone put it in here?!
Jenny left, I can't find my journal.
375
00:15:22,730 --> 00:15:25,625
It's got to be here somewhere.
(squishing)
376
00:15:25,627 --> 00:15:27,460
Oh...
Oh, God!
377
00:15:27,462 --> 00:15:32,231
God, c-come on.
Oh, I got to go.
378
00:15:32,351 --> 00:15:36,636
Oh, I got to go! Oh...
Great. I'm a mess.
379
00:15:36,638 --> 00:15:40,072
And I have no time to change.
Okay.
380
00:15:40,074 --> 00:15:42,008
Got to do what you got to do.
381
00:15:42,010 --> 00:15:46,412
Ah!
Good evening, madam.
382
00:15:46,414 --> 00:15:49,348
We are here to see Dr. Laughs.
Nope, I'm sorry.
383
00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,651
Not tonight, guys.
But we have a legally binding
384
00:15:51,653 --> 00:15:53,886
contract.
And we have a dress code.
385
00:15:53,888 --> 00:15:57,690
And I have a bathrobe.
We demand service!
386
00:15:57,692 --> 00:15:59,559
We demand...
Hi, hi!
387
00:15:59,561 --> 00:16:02,161
These are my guests, and, uh,
they can put it all on the card.
388
00:16:02,163 --> 00:16:04,063
Now I can perform 'cause I have
the right number of people,
389
00:16:04,065 --> 00:16:05,331
right?
Okay.
390
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:06,766
Okay, we have a two-drink
minimum.
391
00:16:06,768 --> 00:16:10,670
Uh, don't worry.
It's all going on the card.
392
00:16:10,672 --> 00:16:12,572
Oh...
God.
393
00:16:12,574 --> 00:16:14,674
Smells like a diaper party.
Yeah, except nobody's wearing a
394
00:16:14,676 --> 00:16:16,375
diaper.
What can I get you to drink?
395
00:16:16,377 --> 00:16:18,411
Ah.
Do you have any wood alcohol?
396
00:16:18,413 --> 00:16:20,546
No.
I guess we'll have six red
397
00:16:20,548 --> 00:16:22,882
wine and Cokes.
Hello!
398
00:16:22,884 --> 00:16:24,584
Hi.
Hello, girlfriend.
399
00:16:24,586 --> 00:16:26,719
Hi, girlfriend.
I was just asking Mr. Taco
400
00:16:26,721 --> 00:16:28,888
here what his next move in the
market's gonna be.
401
00:16:28,890 --> 00:16:30,590
Oh.
Market, well...
402
00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:33,860
My gut's telling me that I
should be buying some fruit.
403
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,628
The produce sector.
Very intriguing.
404
00:16:35,630 --> 00:16:37,797
You're so brilliant.
I know.
405
00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:39,732
Are you guys sleeping together?
406
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:42,735
Define "sleeping."
Hey, everybody, thanks for
407
00:16:42,737 --> 00:16:47,707
coming to the Bringer Showcase!
I know you're all here because
408
00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:50,776
you had to be here, uh...
that's why I'm here.
409
00:16:50,778 --> 00:16:54,480
So let's give it up for Diamond
Doc Nowzick!
410
00:16:54,482 --> 00:16:57,450
(Taco whoops)
Dr. Laughs.
411
00:16:57,452 --> 00:16:59,719
Dr. Laughs.
Let's give it up for Dr.
412
00:16:59,721 --> 00:17:03,789
Laughs.
You know, I'm kind of feeling
413
00:17:03,791 --> 00:17:05,458
the other one.
I feel we should go back.
414
00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:08,961
Andre, come up here.
Yeah, let's give it up.
415
00:17:08,963 --> 00:17:10,730
Yeah.
All right.
416
00:17:10,732 --> 00:17:12,398
Yeah.
Hey, everybody!
417
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,333
By the time you're done tonight,
you're gonna need an emergency
418
00:17:14,335 --> 00:17:19,772
chuckle-ostomy.
You ever notice, uh, when you're
419
00:17:19,774 --> 00:17:21,774
going to the bathroom out in a
public place, there's always
420
00:17:21,776 --> 00:17:24,577
like, a, uh, long line for the
ladies', very short line for the
421
00:17:24,579 --> 00:17:26,846
men's room...
Here comes Crawdad Man.
422
00:17:26,848 --> 00:17:28,981
But in the middle there's a
Southern boat captain who's
423
00:17:28,983 --> 00:17:32,318
like, (Southern accent): "Oh!
You gotta keep 'em separated!"
424
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,587
'Cause, uh, you know, he's,
like, Crawdad Man.
425
00:17:34,589 --> 00:17:36,989
Uh, excuse me.
Yes, uh, some crowd work.
426
00:17:36,991 --> 00:17:40,960
When does the comedy start?
(laughter)
427
00:17:40,962 --> 00:17:42,962
Maybe we'll do some
observational stuff.
428
00:17:42,964 --> 00:17:44,630
Uh...
How about we observe you
429
00:17:44,632 --> 00:17:47,700
leaving the stage?
(laughter)
430
00:17:47,702 --> 00:17:49,535
This is amazing.
Andre is losing a battle of wits
431
00:17:49,537 --> 00:17:51,370
with a hobo.
Yeah.
432
00:17:51,372 --> 00:17:53,639
I thought you took the
Hippocratic Oath to not make us
433
00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:55,775
sick.
(laughter)
434
00:17:55,777 --> 00:17:59,312
Well, and I thought you took
an oath of the audience member,
435
00:17:59,314 --> 00:18:01,314
which is to be quiet during the
show.
436
00:18:01,316 --> 00:18:03,049
I will.
Just let me know when the show
437
00:18:03,051 --> 00:18:05,284
starts.
(laughter)
438
00:18:05,286 --> 00:18:07,853
That's what your m said
before I had sex with her.
439
00:18:07,855 --> 00:18:11,958
Well, now you have gonorrhea.
(laughter)
440
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,793
Really, everything's coming
up Ruxin.
441
00:18:13,795 --> 00:18:16,696
I get to see Andre flail
publicly, I'm gonna eke out a
442
00:18:16,698 --> 00:18:19,165
two-point win versus you,
mano y mano.
443
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,000
You know, there's still theFalcons and the Jets playing
444
00:18:21,002 --> 00:18:22,735
right now.Yeah, but you don't have
445
00:18:22,737 --> 00:18:24,670
anybody playing that game.Unless I decided last
446
00:18:24,672 --> 00:18:27,073
minute to pick up, like, aHarry Douglas and a Kellen
447
00:18:27,075 --> 00:18:29,008
Winslow off the free agent pile.You know, just to get a couple
448
00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:30,676
of points.No, that's not fair.
449
00:18:30,678 --> 00:18:32,345
That's collusion!How is that collusion?
450
00:18:32,347 --> 00:18:34,513
You're colluding with meagainst myself!
451
00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:36,315
Whoa, hey, simmer down there,fella.
452
00:18:36,317 --> 00:18:38,517
I don't come to your job andknock the mop out of your hands.
453
00:18:38,519 --> 00:18:42,021
I'm not a janitor, Andre.But you did just get broomed.
454
00:18:42,023 --> 00:18:45,992
(laughter)Hey, you guys like insult humor.
455
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:47,660
All right.Hi.
456
00:18:47,662 --> 00:18:49,495
Uh, I'm here for Dr. Laughs orDr. Giggles...
457
00:18:49,497 --> 00:18:51,497
I don't know what he's callinghimself-- the unfunny doctor?
458
00:18:51,499 --> 00:18:53,332
Right this way.Who do we got?
459
00:18:53,334 --> 00:18:54,834
Your friends are right overhere.
460
00:18:54,836 --> 00:18:56,736
No, I-I don't... I don'tknow these people.
461
00:18:56,738 --> 00:18:58,704
Ugh, more homeless.They'll let anybody in.
462
00:18:58,706 --> 00:19:00,406
It's gross.Take a seat, we have a show
463
00:19:00,408 --> 00:19:02,008
going on.I don't have anyone...
464
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,542
Nice outfit, sir.What do you call that?
465
00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:05,411
Homeless chic?Where'd you get that?
466
00:19:05,413 --> 00:19:07,371
From sleeping in your car?Like he has a car!
467
00:19:07,373 --> 00:19:09,206
(laughter)Shut up... oh. Oh!
468
00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:11,050
Hey... hello.God, no.
469
00:19:11,052 --> 00:19:12,284
No!Ew!
470
00:19:12,286 --> 00:19:13,853
Ew!Oh, my God, do you know this
471
00:19:13,855 --> 00:19:15,087
guy?No.
472
00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:16,547
Yeah, she does.That's her husband.
473
00:19:16,549 --> 00:19:17,782
That's Kip?Kip?
474
00:19:17,784 --> 00:19:19,216
Kip?Hey, Kip.
475
00:19:19,218 --> 00:19:21,118
What the hell.This is my husband Kevin.
476
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,955
He keeps money in shoeboxes, isa total shit pig, and he is so
477
00:19:24,957 --> 00:19:28,025
much more fun than you guys.Good night.
478
00:19:28,027 --> 00:19:30,761
Whoa, Jenny!What are you wearing?
479
00:19:30,763 --> 00:19:33,297
I-I was really late, and Ican't find my diary.
480
00:19:33,299 --> 00:19:35,266
Maybe it's because I found it.
481
00:19:35,268 --> 00:19:37,635
You guys want to hear apassage from his diary?
482
00:19:37,637 --> 00:19:39,437
No, no, Andre, those are myprivate reps!
483
00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:42,306
"Sometimes I wish I marriedsomeone smarter, because then at
484
00:19:42,308 --> 00:19:45,284
least my kids would have achance to get a real job."
485
00:19:45,286 --> 00:19:47,411
(laughter)What?
486
00:19:47,413 --> 00:19:50,081
I don't... that's crazy."I swear, half of my wife's
487
00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,284
vocabulary is just curse words."Oh, eat a dick, Andre.
488
00:19:53,286 --> 00:19:55,086
(laughter)Whoa!
489
00:19:55,088 --> 00:19:57,888
Her mouth is so dirty, you guyswouldn't even sleep in it.
490
00:19:57,890 --> 00:19:59,957
What kind of woman are you?I'm awesome.
491
00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,326
The kind of woman who takesher husband from behind.
492
00:20:02,328 --> 00:20:04,095
Kind of like I just did toyour team.
493
00:20:04,097 --> 00:20:05,763
Oh, you watch your mouth.Whoa, these guys are
494
00:20:05,765 --> 00:20:07,898
fighting, these guys arefighting.
495
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,601
You know what you gotta do?You gotta keep 'em separated!
496
00:20:10,603 --> 00:20:12,403
(laughter)Bravo! Bravo!
497
00:20:12,405 --> 00:20:14,071
Taco!Oh, hey, Luther.
498
00:20:14,073 --> 00:20:16,841
You owe me $16 and a bag ofold dinner rolls.
499
00:20:16,843 --> 00:20:18,609
Why would you write somethinglike that?
500
00:20:18,611 --> 00:20:20,478
That was... those weren't mythoughts, that was just what I
501
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,146
was thinking!Oh, come on, dummy.
502
00:20:22,148 --> 00:20:24,181
For your information, I'm notthe one who screwed you here.
503
00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:25,983
Yes, you are!I just convinced you to take
504
00:20:25,985 --> 00:20:27,918
your own dick and screw your ownass.
505
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:29,587
Well, let me tell yousomething, Pete!
506
00:20:29,589 --> 00:20:31,622
It feels just about the same!You know the rules, Luther.
507
00:20:31,624 --> 00:20:33,858
If you don't keep your dinnerrolls in your cart, they're
508
00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:36,994
anyone's rolls.(roars)
509
00:20:36,996 --> 00:20:38,485
Whoa!That's my time!
510
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:42,014
You guys have been great!Keep 'em separated.
511
00:20:42,423 --> 00:20:53,127
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
512
00:20:53,177 --> 00:20:57,727
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