Original subtitles

Previously, on "the increasingly poor decisions of Todd Margaret"...

The turkish people from the news agency, they came into buy all the Thunder Muscle we have in stock.

You grew up in leeds.

My dad Lives in leeds. Live-lived in leeds. He's dead.

I am still grieving The loss of my father.

Chuck Margaret: Hey, son.

Hey, it's your old man!

Dad?

- Alice bell: What? - A ghost!

Ahhh!

I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.

Can I get anybody some coffee, tea?

You were planning on raping me.

No-- god, no! Alice, please.

That box says, "Alice's drapes for kitchen."

That's her blood on there.

Uh, because she had her kid on my bed.

That's where the blood came from-- her vagina.

So, I was just tryin' to wipe it off and it smeared. So...

There's a man behind the door.

I-you-I don't know who-what you're talking about.

What man-- what door?

That would be his father.

His dead father.

Brent wilts: Don't anger the ghost! Are you crazy?

Pam: Where's your manners? I'm trying to have a romantic evening.

Open the door, mr. Margaret.

Sure, I would but-- Oh, a poltergeist!

Be gone, foul beast!

Seek solace in the apartment across the hall!

I-- okay.

Here's the thing about--

Here-- can I explain?

Oh, see?

True ghost.

All units, reports of a car bomb outside Spearmint rhino strip club.

Oh, dear god! It will be horrific. It's all you can eat Monday.

We will see you again, Mr. Margaret.

We've got all your information. We know where you live.

You-you are, literally, the creepiest, most deluded guy I have ever met,

And I dated a scientologist.

Uh, wait, Alice. Listen to me-- listen to me.

I was not going to rape you, okay?

And that guy was just an actor that I hired, okay?

To entertain us, in case we happened to come back here to my second flat.

Actor, second flat?

Jesus, stop lying!

Hey, kiddo. Your girlfriend seems really, really nice.

She's awesome, yeah.

Dad, what the fudge are you doing here?

I got your hint about hiding. So, I came in here and saw these little cuties.

London! What are you doing in London?

Well, I saw you on the news, on tv.

You were urinating on that soldier's grave.

Yeah, so, I flew over here to lend you a hand.

And, I gotta say, son,

Not to be a busybody, but every couple has a fight, now and then, you know?

Well-- I mean, your mother and I, we argue about the most ridiculous things--

Dance hall versus reggae--

- Dad... - Silly things like that.

But you're not gonna win an argument by raping her.

I promise you.

Now, I'm gonna go talk to her.

Please don't-- please don't.

And, use the old Margaret flair.

No, don't-- no flair. Don't say anything to anyone.

Please, don't.

Todd, are you still there?

- That's my boss. - It's not safe out there.

You gotta get back in here, man! You can't let that ghost eat you!

Uh, mr. Wilts, I think you're, uh, mixing up ghosts with zombies.

That ghost looked hungry, man.

Yeah, uh, listen.

Just hide here. I don't have time to explain,

but you have to pretend you're a ghost, if anybody asks,

because I told them you were dead, okay?

Also, uh, you're from leeds, so you have to be an english ghost.

You got it, kiddo.

Oh, god, Todd! Save yourself!

Your mate's gone well weird.

Ghosts and zombies-- That is not the kind of environment I want him brought up in.

Okay, Pam. Um, I'm wondering if my dad,

Um, he's not really a ghost.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, all right.

If-if he could possibly, maybe, crash at your place for a few days?

- No. - He'd be a really good babysitter.

See ya later.

Oh, god. Okay, dad.

You can spend the night In this apartment. Here's another baby.

Oh, careful-- careful.

[ cell phone vibrating ]

Oh, god.

Oh, jeez.

Hey, Dave, uh, can't really talk, right now. Got a lot of stuff going on.

Dave: Sorry, boss. I just needed to know wwhether you wanted

your train ticket tomorrow in standard class or business class.

What are you talking about? What train ticket?

Leeds, silly.

Dave, we're not going to Leeds.

But, boss, I've spent all evening in the office, planning meetings.

Dave, look, business is like chess, okay?

And, um, I'm thinking four, possibly even five steps ahead, all right?

And the smart business thing to do is to just spin a web and let the flies come to us.

So, you're saying, you're a chess playing spider?

The scariest kind.

Todd, close the door! Don't let the zombie ghost in!

No, the door's shut,

Mr. Wilts. The-the zombie ate the ghost, and then choked to death, again.

So, we're good. Are-are you okay?

I'm tinkling.

Come on, come on,

Come on, come on.

Come on, Brent. I am not weak.

I am a strong, confident asshole.

I will punch you back up your mother's pussy.

I will punch you back up your mother's pussy.

I will punch you back up your mother's pussy.

I'm gonna punch you back up your mother's pussy.

There he is.

Listen up, or I'm gonna punch you Back up your mother's pussy!

Okay, but can we do that tomorrow? I'm kinda tired.

We got some serious shit to discuss.

Why-- what?

Look, I don't know what's going on, but I just found out that global national is a shell company.

They make shells?

Not anymore. Apparently, they lost so much money, they had to move to a tiny hut, on an island.

I-I don't know what you're talking about, but am I in trouble?

Deep trouble.

Because of some financial shit that I don't understand, I--

I mean, we, are now in the hole $470,000. Do you understand that?

So, now, I-- I mean, we--

I mean, you gotta get out there and sell the rest of that Thunder Muscle,

So that I-- I mean--

Yes, I can save my ass and get that money back to mountford.

Okay, wait. I don't even know who Mountford is.

Mountford is the guy who's bankrolling all of this.

The guy whose money you're spending, and he wants it back.

Like, yesterday.

That-that's not possible.

And here's what's gonna happen to us, if you don't get us that money.

I've never even met--

If you don't get me That money, I'm gonna beat--

Uh-oh-- ew.

That's right.

That's unnecessary.

Serious shit.

That's not even--

Oh.

And that shit'll never end, Kimosabe.

Wow.

Yeah, Margaret-- wow.

So, you better up your game, like, a billion percent.

And, also, news flash--

That's my bed, now.

What-- what?

Yeah, fucking whitney decided to play miss marple, and now I got kicked out o my hotel.

Now, I've gotta stay in the company apartment.

By the way, why'd you choose this fuckin' aids sanctuary, anyway?

Uh, be careful. That thing moves.

Well, wait a minute. I didn't choose it. This was all in the information pack that you sent me.

What the fuck are you talking about? I never sent you an info packet.

What?

Well, wait a second.

Mr. Wilts, where am I supposed to sleep?

Sleep-- are you kidding me? This place is haunted.

You're on door-guarding duty.

No-no, but--

Listen, if you don't like It, just send a letter to my asshole, care of

"I don't give a fuck lane, in the town of...

"shut up, you fucking--

I don't remember.

Just-- who cares? It's not like I was gonna read the letter anyway, right?

Okay, but if-if I could just get the--

Door.

Sir, I should point out that you should think about starting to get ready for your game.

Dave: Yes, have you seen my work clothes?

Just there.

In case you've forgotten, sir,

uh, you are due to

escort miss Rihanna to the Monaco Grand Prix tonight.

Cancel it. With any luck, I'm going to leeds.

And what shall I tell her?

I don't care-- I mean, Cancel the whole grand prix.

I need it to appear as though I've been up all night working.

Have my boxers been slept in?

Yes, sir.

Eight hours, sir.

And you scuffed my trainers, yes?

Yes, I took them to the pub, sir. Would you care for some dandruff, sir?

Mmm.

Good-- how do I look?

I would untuck the shirt, Sir.

Excellent.

Todd: How do I look?

Brent: Like a sack of shit in a nice suit.

Now, get rich, or try dyin'.

All right, see ya later.

Chuck: Booooo!

I have traveled over time for--

Sweet jesus, come off your cross and protect me.

I am doomed.

Even stay on your cross. I don't care-- just protect me.

Waiting for an end to this.

Alice?

Alice: Oh, no!

You want the truth?

Let's start with this.

These are drapes.

Not rapes, okay?

I'm not a rapist.

I'm not, okay?

I don't like rape.

Not even the fake kind,

where the woman kinda

secretly likes it, all right?

Classical rape--

Todd, please stop saying "rape!"

Okay.

It is kinda funny, though.

I mean, just the other day,

I was in here trying to convince people I wasn't a racist.

Now, I'm in here trying to convince people I'm not a rapist.

You know, I mean, what's it with me and the r-a-ist words.

I know they kinda rhyme.

Sounds a little like

A song from a musical.

I'm not a rapist or a racist

Or a racist rapist

But I do think you are cute

Bum-bum

Jesus, Todd!

She liked it.

Look...

I appreciate the curtains.

Okay, I can see where I may have been confused there,

But I-I think we should just say our goodbyes,

and we just pretend that we never, ever met, or will ever meet again in the future.

No, Alice...

I lied to you

when I told you that I was allergic to nuts.

I am not, and I'm sorry.

Although, to be fair, I don't like them very much.

So, technically, kind of allergic.

Also, I'm not from leeds.

Okay, why don't I just speed things up a bit, okay?

You've never lived in the houses of parliament.

You have no experience as a salesman.

Oh, and by the way, Todd, Leeds, really?

If you're gonna lie about being from somewhere you've never been, at least

find out where it is, okay? Buy a guide book, google it, anything.

Oh, and-and your dead dad?

And my dad's not dead.

Yes, correct-- correct.

But, who here hasn't lied about that?

Uh, seriously, I'm the only one?

I'm the only one who's lied about having a dead--

Okay, look, Alice.

Okay, the reason I said those lies was so I could keep this awesome, amazing job, okay?

If anybody from the company finds out this stuff isn't true, it's over.

I mean, come on. You-you have your dream job,

you know, that you'd do anything for.

You wanna open up your own restaurant. Your own, uh, fat duck, Or whack-a-mole.

La molecule.

Right-- La molecule.

That's your dream,

And you'd do anything to achieve it.

Yeah, I wouldn't lie...

That badly.

Alice, I do not wanna get in some stupid argument about who's a better liar.

I'm not a liar!

You are-- you're the liar.

You are the sad,

pathetic liar.

Alice, Alice?

Alice, I promise,

I will only tell you the truth

from now on.

My name is Todd Margaret.

I'm not 25.

I'm 35...

And a half...

Rounded down.

I'm from portland, oregon.

I've never been to leeds.

My hair is starting to thin out.

My penis isn't very big,

and the girth is nothing to shout about,

Unless you're really tight.

Do-- um,

That's enough sharing.

I think you're a beautiful woman.

And, yes, I do like you in that way.

Although, I'd like it if your breasts were bigger.

- Todd! - No-- I said

wwhat I came here to say.

My dad's not dead,

I'm not from leeds,

And I wish your breasts were bigger.

Osman: I would, with great honor, martyr myself for this mighty jihad.

Ahmed: Osman, don't be a fool. we will have Todd Margaret do it.

Mehtap: We need you.

You make the best boureka in the whole world.

But, I won't go to heaven and be greeted by 70 virgins.

Osman, there are no 70 virgins.

Huh?

That's made up.

You don't believe that, do you?

Todd: Leeds has the world's largest woolen mill.

Quick, here he comes. Places, everyone.

Hey!

Oh, no! It is Todd Margaret!

Quick, quick-- run, everybody!

Run!

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Wait, wait, wait.

What is he doing?

You guys gave me counterfeit money.

We can't be caught by Todd Margaret. He will show us no mercy!

Quick, run!

if I ever catch you guys again--

Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop.

Ugh!

All right, you caught us.

We recognize when we are beat.

By a worthy foe,

and potential lover.

Hey, mehtap.

Please don't hate us.

Oh, whatever will we do?

We are ruined.

Now that Todd Margaret has caught us, we will be deported

and forced back into the salt mines, unless--

But, what do we have

to give you but our last three or two thousand pounds.

Oh, great!

But, mr. Margaret, you deserve more than this.

Ahmed, we could give Todd Margaret all the Thunder Muscle back.

What?

No, we cannot!

But, we have to.

Mehtap, yes.

It is our only choice.

Here, Todd Margaret.

Here is the real money for you to spend, as you wish.

Great-- ha-ha!

It's all there, and here are the keys for the Thunder Muscle parked over here.

Okay, good.

Yeah, I think I'll just check it out first.

Quick.

Todd, Todd!

I am so excited about you.

Why don't you meet me Saturday night, at this address, promptly at 8:22?

Peppermint Finger Banks.

Yes, it's a sweets shop where I do volunteer work.

Oh.

Here, take my extra phone.

My number is pre-set.

Just call me Saturday night,

at exactly 8:22,

when you are parked outside.

It will be a date.

Yeah!

Okay, all right-- great.

Hey, does this have games on it?

No!

No, please?

Don't use the phone until you are parked outside the strip club--

Sweets shop.

Um-uh, sweets shop club

for the children.

It is important that you do not use the phone until then.

Don't use the phone until then.

Uh-uh.

I want my first time to be special.

Oh, yeah, of course.

All right.

They're not coming, though, are they?

No.

Okay.

I'll see y'all later!

Perfect, perfect.

Pam: Mr. Margaret,

you've got a delivery...

and some mail.

Hmm?

Ugh-- another one of these things?

How'd they even find me here?

It's ridiculous.

You buy viagra one time, you start gettin' self-help cd's you never even asked for.

The, uh, the viagra was for a friend, as a joke.

It was actually his friend.

So, friend of a friend.

His friend, actually.

Alice: All right. Here's your bacon roll, and here is your Sauvignon blanc 2008.

I think that's what you ordered.

It's a zesty little number.

Actually, it's a good wine, and it's got a crisp finish.

It goes well with-with-with,

uh, things you eat

Much later in the day.

Chuck: How 'bout that, kid?

Your first toothbrushes.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna get you a pediatrician and some daycare.

I want you guys just to sit tight.

I'm gonna be right back.

I gotta do somethin' quick.

Boooo!

Oh, excuse me.

Sorry-sorry about that.

Boo!

Boo-- I am a ghost.

Mr. Margaret?

I am the ghost

of Todd's father,

And I bring a message

to an Alice.

Is there an Alice in here?

Mr. Margaret,

Todd came in earlier.

I know you're not a ghost.

Ah, oh.

Well...

Ha-ha-- thank you.

That's how you grab an audience.

Hi.

I am Chuck Margaret.

I'm Todd's dad.

Did Todd make you come here?

Oh, no. In fact, he insisted that I didn't, But I'm glad to see that you two are-are talking again.

Yeah, you've got a great thing going.

Don't throw it away.

I don't know what you're talking about.

There-there is no-- There's no thing going. I barely know him.

And, also, uh, Todd and I had that, uh, that rape talk.

What?

You know, I'm sensing a great deal of denial.

But, that's okay--

I understand.

You're a new couple.

No, no.

We're not-we're not a couple.

The first step to fixing the problem, is admitting that there is a problem.

See, that's-that's how Dr. Palmer was able to get Todd to stop sodding the bed last year.

Well, congratulations.

Ha, yeah.

That's my boy, sort of.

I've got to, um,

I've got customers to serve.

So, I--

Oh, of course-- of course. I-I came here to-to say what I had to say.

You're a great couple,

and Alice,

you're a swell girl,

and Todd,

he no longer soils the bed.

So, really, a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, you know?

Never even met the guy.

Sounds like a real jerk, though.

My friend's cool, and his friend, too.

Ten million pounds?

Dave: Morning, boss.

Hey, you seen this?

Jeremy Stevenson, Head of the defense committee, has been found hanged In his Parliament office.

Oh, so what?

I mean, that kind of stuff happens all the time.

Oh, must've been around the same time you were on that tour there.

Ah, guess so. Well, at least he died happy.

What makes you say that?

Bec-- uh-uh, you know,

He was serving the people.

It's every Parliamentary man's dream.

Well, it's just that, in here, it says that he was found wanked to death.

Oh.

Police are looking throughout london for a bald, moderately unattractive man,

seen around parliament square last night.

All-all right, Dave. Dave, okay,

I got a lot of work to do. I got another prank letter from Sainsbury's.

I need to jump on one of those young and not legal boys.

I don't want some old guy jerking me around.

I want the hottest kid they got workin' this shit.

Okay, I wanna make this hard for those assholes.

Roger that.

Dave, tuck in your shirt. There's a lady present.

Sorry, boss.

And, oh, about Leeds, see--

Oh, my god, Dave! We're not going to Leeds!

Get it through your thick head, okay?

Yes, I know Leeds is great.

It's got the world's largest woolen mill, and sheep farming and mining are its primary industries.

Don't you think I know that? I'm sick of hearing about it.

Yeah, but the thing is--

Dave, my decision is final, okay?

We're going to Leeds. Let's go out the side door.

But, the train station's this way.

Yeah, well, we'll take the company van. Penny, burn all this.

The company van?

Dave: Are you sneaking?

Todd: Uh, just exercising,

uh, for my quads.

You know? All right.

Okay.

It's not...

It's not working.

I mean, I can hear, but--

Boss, I think that might Be the company van, there.

That's a truck... Van.

It's a truck-van, Is what I meant-- sorry.

I forg-I keep forgetting, my tired eyes.

You know how it is.

Okay, this way-- come on! We have meetings to go to.

What the hell is the steering wheel doing--

Cheers for driving, boss. I didn't get much sleep last night.

Tired eyes-- You know how it is.

Oh, that's all right. You can drive.

- Nah. - Yeah.

- I'm good. - Come on.

- It's all right. - No, really?

I'll drive on the way back.

What if you drive now, and I'll get the way back?

- Nah. - Come on.

Nah, it'll take a little bit of effort to get out, change over. It's not worth it.

All right, it-it-it's

been a long time.

Okay, say your prayers.

[ radio music ]

What's this music?

Where'd this truck even come from?

I made the turks give it to me.

No one screws Todd Margaret in the ass without paying for it.

[ music ]

Could I get a pint of lager,

And a half pint for the sneakers.

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