Original subtitles

english by sub-stance

Submitted here is the story of a little boy, and a magical christmas wish,

that changed his life...forever

it began in 1985, in a town just outside Boston

it was christmas eve, and all the children were in high spirits

that special time of year, when Boston children gather together

and beat up the jewish kids. -hey greenbob,uh oh...get him

but there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits

little John Bennett

that one boy in every neighbourhood, who just has a tough time making friends

hey guys, can i play?

get out of here bennet, -get lost bennet

get out of here bennet, yeah bennet, get lost

John longed with all his heart,for that one true friend that he could call his own

and he knew that if he ever found that friend, he would ever let him go

well, as it does every year, christams morning finally came

all of the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee

and for little John bennet, christams day brought a very special new arrival.

Wow.i guess santa payed attention to how good you were this year huh...

aww, merry christams John

"I love you"

he talks.

im gonna name you teddy

John became instantly attached to teddy, there was something about that bear

that made him feel as if he finally had a friend. with whom he could share his deepest secrets

"i love you"

i love you too teddy

you know, i wish you could really talk to me

because then we could be best friends forever and ever

now if theres one thing you can be sure of,

its that nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish

except an apache helicopter... an apache helicopter

has machine guns and missiles

it is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry. An absolute death machine

well as it turned out, John had picked a perfect night to make a wish

teddy...

teddy?

teddy

hug me

your my best friend John

did you... did you just talk...

dont look so surprised, your the one who wished for it arent you?

yeah...

i did wish for it

well, here i am...

you mean...we get to be best friends for real?

for...real.

forever and ever?

sounds good to me

John was just about the happiest boy in the world. And he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news

mom...dad...guess what, my teddy bears alive

really...oh isnt that exciting...

no mom, hes really alive, look...

merry christmas everybody

Jesus H Fuck... -lets all be best friends.

oh my god. -get away from that thing, get over here right now.

but dad...

-GET OVER HERE!

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER,COME HERE, -Helen, get my gun.

dad...no...

is it a hugging gun?

Helen, get my gun and call the police

im sorry mr bennet, i didnt mean to scare anybody

i just wanted john and i to be friends

yeah dad, i made a wish last night that teddy was alive, and my wish came true

oh god

its a miracle

its a christmas miracle

your just like the baby Jesus

well it wasnt long before the news of Johns little miracle was sweeping the nation

out of a Boston suburb comes, what is without doubt the most incredible story

a young boys stuffed animal, has magically come to life for unknown reasons

LOOK WHAT JESUS DID! LOOK WHAT JESUS DID!

before long, teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right

hello teddy

you surprise me, for some reason i thought you were going to be taller

i thought you were going to be funnier...

but for all the fame, teddy never forgot his very best friend, John

the thunder cant get us, right?

nope. were thunder buddys. and the thunder knows it

were totally safe

teddy... -yeah John?

do you promise that we'll always be together?

i promise.

thunder buddys for life

-thunder buddys for life.

and that was a promise that niether one of them forgot

so...where are John and teddy today?

well, let me put it this way

no matter how big a splash you make in this world, weather your a

Corey Feldman,Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber...

or a talking teddy bear... eventually nobody gives a shit

-

TED

-

-

look, all im saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life

thats bullshit...what about Lori? shes hot...

no Lori's from Pennsylvania thats not a Boston girl

there not that bad...

see, the fact that you have to say there not that bad, means that they are that bad

you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? oh yah, oh yah, hardar hardar

oh god...that was so good. now im gonna stuff my fucking face with pepper flan

jesus this is weak, not even getting me high

im gonna have a talk with my weed guy

working for me...

i think it sucks, im gonna have a talk with him

i dont know you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints

ive known this guy a long time,

ive known him since 9-11

you remember?, i was like, aww shit 9-11, i gotta get high

is it 9.30? -yeah...

shit, i gotta get to work

i dont know if i can drive

its ok ill drive you, i feel fine

fuck... -aww shit.

aww Johnny im sorry man, that car just came out of nowhere

aww god is it bad?

John...may i speak with you please? -shit

its alright, go go go. ill pull out of here

hi Thomas, how are yah

asshole!

-thats my bad, i was sending a tweet

John, its almost 10 o'clock

i know sir, im sorry it wasnt my fault

what do you mean?

well i..i guess i wasnt prepared for a follow up question

John, all you got to do is not fuck up

and you get my job when i go to corporate next month

your the new branch manager

all you gotta do, is not fuck up...

i realise now -good, glad to hear it.

cos in a month...my life, could be your life

a cushy 38 thousand dollar a year branch manager, whos personal friends with Tom Scarritt

not a bad life is it?

no.

let me show you something i dont like showing people, cos i dont want them treating me differently

boom! thats me and scarritt

wow...

god damn right wow

im gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late today alright

try and be a little more responsable tomorrow

i will sir, i promise.

"not gonna let you down goose"

what?

Top Gun...

so...

Tom Scarritt...

i know that get out of here ok

thank you sir

and heres your keys,rental agreement, complimentary map of Boston

than you for choosing liberty, drive safely

thanks -thanks so much.

heard you got busted...

jesus Guy, you look like shit man what happened?

i dont know, i got fucking wasted last night

and my phone says i texted someone at 3.15, asking them to beat me up

and then at 4.30 i texted the same person saying thanks

and you dont remember it? -no,same as last time

it just seems kind of gay doesnt it?

i dont know, maybe yeah

do you think your part of some gay beat up underworld? like one of those gay beat up clubs or something?

i dont now, i dig chicks man, i dont remember any of it

i was so fucked up. i might be gay i dont know. do you mind covering for me for a bit?

i might go lay down in the John

hey buddys, wheres it hanging? -hey Alex

whats up? you get in the club last night?

ahh, i didnt get in because the bouncer was douche face

but i make friends in the line

well thats good i guess.

hey guys, anybody know a nice restaurant? like something where they give out free bubblegum in the bathrooms

for what?

Lori and i have been dating 4 years tomorrow. i wanna take her some place really nice

aw, congratulations John

you guys have been going out for 4 years? my last relationship lasted 6 months.

then she farted in her sleep. im like, im out of here man. and i was gone before she woke up

wow your not very tolerant huh...

Lori ever fart in front of you?

yeah

really? -a million times

you italian?

no

why?

nevermind, take her to biniarta

John look, dont you think after 4 years maybe shes hoping for something more than dinner?

like what?

i dont know. but if it were me, id be expecting a proposal

oh come on, no ones expecting anybody to propose...

i mean marriage isnt...i mean... isnt love enough? i submit love is enough

you can put the ring in her ass... and let her fart it out?

so bad, but so good...

hey by the way, dont let me forget you and i got to nail down a plan for the ruins game tomorrow night

oh no i cant, im taking Lori to dinner

for what?

well, weve been dating 4 years tomorrow

ohh...fuck me, nice

let me ask you something, you dont think shes going to be expecting something big do you?

what...like anal? -no...

like a circular gold thing on the finger

oh fuck that. its been 4 years Johnny you and me have been together for 27 years

wheres my ring?

huh... wheres my ring asshole...

wheres my ring motherfucker? put it on my

fuzzy finger you fuck. alright knock it off

im just sayin...

do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move?

no no no, i dont think

and not only that, its the wrong time

its a terrible idea, you got the economy, you got the credit bubble, the supreme court

look at Haiti

i guess i didnt think about that

well you know, its a factor

who are you? -Flash Gordon, quarterback, New York Jets

this is the american fantasy right here

a professional NFL player is called upon to save the world. -yeah.

Tom Brady could do that...

-Tom Brady could do that.

hey... -hey sweetie

hey Lori

hi

what you got there? -turkey burgers

oh turkey burgers, are we having homosexuals over for dinner?

tonight... -ha, no just you homos...wooo

...you kinda just re-worded my joke, but haaaa

how was work? -oh it was fine

hows your dickhead boss?

Rex, is fine. he only hit on me once today so,

its a good thing

hey Johnny how bout a beer huh?

oh couple of chowbukowskis...

couple of brewstoievskis...

maybe a mibrewstowsky?

perhaps a teddybrewski...

thats a good one

-i think i too want a martina navratilovaski

oh...no no no that doesnt work

Bullshit...

that totally worked... no, no

yeah it does, -it doesnt work

the name has to have a ski at the end of it, and you just put brewski at the end of martina navratilova

i just thought we were saying funny names

no. it has to have ski at the end of it, else wheres the challange?

if theres no ski at the end of the root word, then wed just be idiots saying nonsense

hey -they found the missing hikers

they did? -yeah...-what happened?

they said

they got seperated, and one of them had there foot stuck under a rock for like 5 days

you know, if your leg got trapped under a rock, id chew it off to get you free

you would? - i sure would

is that cannibalism?

no, i think its only cannibalism if you swallow

oh yeah, dont worry about that, cos i dont swallow

really...cos thats not what i heard

well its not true ok, im a classy broad

yeah

i can see that

umm, listen, speaking of classy chow bellas a really expensive restaurant

so we can go anywhere else tomorrow. i really dont care as long as were together

are you kidding me?

no, 4 years we've been going out... im taking you to the best place in town

i love you

i love you too. -and your nasty

you wanna get nasty?

nasty girl

i dont understand...35 years old and your still scared of a little thunder

i am not

thunder buddys for life right Johnny -fucking right.

alright

come on lets sing the thunder song

when you hear the sound of thunder dont you get too scared.

just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words

fuck you thunder... you can suck my dick,

you cant get me thunder, cos your just gods fart

hey Lori...can you set the alarm for 11 A.M? i got alot of stuff to do tomorrow

hi Lori

morning

ok

you ok there sweetheart?

you look a little flustered

im fine, i just didnt have time for breakfast

and the garage was full ohh and thats right, my boyfriend

cant sleep through a thunder storm without his teddybear

i dont understand why you keep putting up with him...

yeah, the guys 35 and hes working for a rental car service...

you guys, its not about that. i dont care about that

id love him if he was a janitor

he has a huge heart and we laugh alot

its just a bonus that hes like the hottest guy in Boston

i dont know, i just wish hed get his life together

our life...and he cant. and i swear to god it is because of that bear

you should give him an ultimatum, its you or the bear

no, i cant do that. that would devistate him

besides,what... what if he chose ted?

well hello there, sorry if im interupting any girl talk about Channing Tatum's index finger

but Lori, i need to see you in my office

the thing is Rex, i have alot of work i need to get through

oh this is work i swear

ugh great.

good luck, -thank you

hes such an asshole -out of control...

hes such a sleaze. 100 bucks says hes showing her the diving photo

check this out

its me on the high school diving team

we dove the shit out of the pool that year

you promised me this was about work

Lori...why dont you like me?

im rich,im good looking, my dad owns the company...

i have a boyfriend... i have told you this

yeah, the guy with the bear

but im talking about a mature relationship Lori

if we were together, our babies would be spectacular

i mean, my top of the pyramid caucasian genes

and your splash of...dark...beautiful... smokey...baltic...

Czech? -goodbye Rex

ok, that was perfect

would you like me to wrap your leftovers?

no, im good thank you

actually, could you wrap just this up for me please? i wanna scare the shit out of somebody

sure

what are you, like 5 years old? -yeah

but i read at a 6 year old level,so...

sir...and madam

here is your desert, and champagne

ohh...cristal

its a special night, we've been dating for 4 years

and hey...all those rich black people cant be wrong right?

doesnt feel like 4 years does it?

no it doesnt

you know, you had no business being out on that dance floor.But im really happy that you were

-

this song is so great

oh yeah, Chris Brown can do no wrong

wow you can really move

you like that huh? check this shit out

oh my god

are you ok?

oh god, i am so sorry

im fine,im fine

jesus im so sorry, i didnt see you it was an accident

did you hurt your head? -yeah

my head hurts alot

oh man, here, let me get you some ice

sorry...sorry, does it hurt?

no

it...its fine

ok, heres a test to see how much you actually care about me

you remember the night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles

till about 5 A.M, we watched a movie on the little tv in the diner

name that movie...

"octopussy"

baby...gold star

and by the way, my dancing was not that bad

it was pretty bad... -i have cool moves

yeah, and so do people with parkinson's

thats not how i remember it

ok how do you remember it?

alright...whatever you say

hey, heres to 4 more years huh

cheers, -you make me happy

i know we said no gifts,but... -we said no such thing...

but i got you something anyway, in clear violation of the no gift rule

we had no such rule...

Lori, i wanted to give this to you for a long time

John...

those are the ones you like right? from the kiosk at the mall

yeah...

you know Lori, some day theres gonna be a ring in there

but i want to wait till i get you something really special

i just do have the money right now

look, im only saying this because i love you

your not going to have any sort of career if you wasting time with ted

oh geez here we go...

baby, please ask ted to move out so we can move on with our lives

Lori, look hes been my best friend since i was 8

i was not a popular child, you have to understand

i had no friends before he came along

hes the only reason i ever gained any fucking confidence

but your no longer 8, your 35 years old

and unless your too blind to notice, hes not your only friend anymore

can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner?

oh shit, hang on a second

my phone fell under the seat somewhere

can you call it?

yeah

is that a new ringtone?

oh, yeah

what is it, cos it sounds negative

no,no, its from the notebook

this is gonna take some doing i think -ill just meet you upsatirs then...

yeah, ill be right there

ugh, Lori...your home early

what the hell is this?

the ladys and i were just watching Jack and Jill

Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister its...its just aweful

its unwatchable, but they're hookers so its fine

this place is a wreck, who are these girls?

oh where are my manners, Lori this is Angelic,

heavenly,sharinne and sovereign blanc

i love you girls. You know somewhere out there, are four terrible fathers i wish i could thank for this great night

what is that?

what is what?

theres a...a shit on my floor

in the corner, there is a shit

oh, yeah, we were playing truth or dare... ad sharinne's pretty ballsy

theres a shit on my floor!

well, or... or is the floor on the shit...

who lives here? im coming to get whoever lives here

you owe me lobster money

haha, thats my buddy Johnny, not the lobster, the guy running it

i found my phone, whats going on?

is that a shit?

god there are some fucked up fish out there

oh look at that one. waspy white guy fish

i married the wrong woman, and now i lead a life of regret

oh look at this guy, i went to new york once, in 1981

and i just did not feel safe

ted, you gotta move out

you...what

its gotta happen

what did i do?

my relationship is at a very delicate stage, you know

Lori and i just need a little space right now

plus, a hooker took a shit in out apartment

oh god -what?

oh this is so gross

dont tell me, i dont want to hear about it. you get it?

oh my god no i didnt get it!

oh my god i got some on my thumb

no! -yes i did

you can never cook with that hand again

oh my god this is the most disgusting thing ever. -get away from me

look, that was tough night for all of us

ted, you mean everything to me, and so does Lori

i mean im just trying to find a way to keep both of you in my life

shes making you do it isnt she?

yes, but that doesnt mean we cant hang out. well hang out all the time

yeah but

what bout thunder buddys for life Johnny

i know. i just dont know what to do here i know it sucks

but otherwise im gonna lose her

and i do lover her ted

i know you do Johnny

ill help you get on your feet out there, i promise

i know, and we'll hang out all the time right?

-all the time

all right fuck it, bring it in come here, bring it in you bastard

"i love you"

-fuck..shit..sorry thats the...the thing

im not gay -i know

and your not gay so were fine

we got to get you a job

i look stupid... no you dont you look dapper

i dont. i look like snuggles accountant

come on, its not that bad

John, i look like something you give a kid when you tell them grandma died

look, i know it sucks ok but you gotta make some money so you can pay for an apartment

i dont want to work at a grocery store

yeah but you have no skills

i told you, i can totally be a lawyer

you get the job, were celebrating after ok

ahaa, and if i dont get the job... are we still going to smoke that pot?

probably yes

ahaa yeah, good talk coach alright buddy

go get em

and dont worry, ill do my very best to get this job that i so crave

so you think you got what it takes?

i tell you what i got... you wifes pussy on my breath

nobodys ever talked to me like that before

thats because eveyones mouth is usually full of your wife's box

your hired

shit.

well, i am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job

this is how the cast of different strokes feels all day, every day.Aweful, they must feel aweful..the live ones must feel aweful.

come on, its not that bad ok

i got a shitty job and i assure you i am quite content

excuse me

im sorry to bother you but,

my son and i couldnt help but admire your teddy bear

oh thank you -thanks

im Donny this is Robert

i have to say, ive been following you ever since i was a young boy

and eh, i remember seeing you on the carson show

you were just wondeful

oh yeah, that was a weird interview

Ed thought i was Alf. and he kept muttering anti semitic comments.

thought Alf was Jewish for some reason

have you ever considered selling the bear? -what? - excuse me

i want it

hey...im not an IT pal im a HE, alright

im sorry little guy, but my bear isnt for sale, see ive had him since i was about your age

hes very very special to me

-stand up straight when your talking to me

why the fuck would he say that?

sorry, you know you really shouldnt swear infront of children

uh look, were very interested in the bear. if you want to make some sort of arrangement, heres my address and phone number

you can call me anytime ok?

-will do

look,here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff

ok? -ok

see you later

ok come on Robert -take it easy

what the fuck...

can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?

i can totally see him taking you down to the basement and slowly delimbing while singing some creepy victorian nursery rhyme

"oh my little sixpence my pretty little sixpence" -stop it

" i love my sixpence" -knock it off

stop it, fuck. why you got to take it to that place..you took it to a...that was real

now its a real thing -aww come on,take it easy

lets just find a better place to get stoned

well i guess this is it huh?

yeah, i guess so

first night on your own

yeah, first night in my beatiful new apartment

well itll be great when its furnished

yeah. and the guy said it aint hardly had no murders in it, so thats good

ok, so...

if you need anything -yeah

i know. dont worry Johnny, ill be fine

i know you will

alright

hey there

hey

listen, umm

i just want to say thank you

i know what you did wasnt easy

and i just want you to know that i love you for it

and... i think its a new beginning for our relationship

anything for you

this is all part of the new grown up John Bennett,so

you better get used to him

really...

well...now i dont have to be at work for another 20 minutes

well thats perfect, cos im only going to need 1

you know what my favourite thing about you is?

even after 4 years, you can still surprise me

and to step up and change such a huge part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier

i dont know, i guess most guys wouldnt do that

well most guys dont have you to motivate them

i know im not a talking teddybear, but...

at least you dont have to make a magical wish to get me

how do you know?

ohh...is that a Flash Gordon ray gun, or are you just ahppy to see me?

there you go.thank you very much,please come again we have alot more grocerys

hey uhh, hey Ellen -yeah?

whos that over there?

oh thats the new check out girl i dont know her name. seems cute

yeah. very cute

you know what id like to do to her? something i call a dirty fozzy

ok...alright...so thats where well draw the line

hey...how you holding up?

oh im alright, im just getting used to things thats all

its going to be alright

i actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend

really? -yeah

we were together for 8 months and i really loved him

and then he got deported back to Iran, so i know what your going through

oh yeah. so i guess we both lost our furry little guy

we sure did

hey ted. hey Johnny what are you doing? wanna come over and catch a buzz?

well i could probably stop by after work

fuck that, i traded off yesterday so i got the other shift

come on, im bored as crap over here. just swing by for a bit...

i cant just ditch work man

im trying to get my shit together and be an adult here you know, for Lori's sake

Johnny, 5 minuites and ill kick you out, i promise

just come over. i got the cheers dvd boxset

and the guy down at the store told me everybody talks shit about each other in the inteviews

youll kick me out in 5?

i will kick you out in 5

John, ill have to kick you out. i have so much teddybear paperwork to get through it is sick

what do i tell Thomas?

just tell him you dont feel well

i got to cut out for a bit, Lori tried to break up a dog fight and guess she got hurt pretty bad

oh my god

yeah thats the way she is. she sees trouble and she tries to help out

and i guess one of these dogs clamped its jaws on her forearm, and wouldnt let go untill a fireman showed up

and had to stick a finger in its ass

oh jesus -yeah shes pretty shook up

up the dogs ass right...

yeah the dogs not the firemans ass

i thought the fireman stuck his finger up his own ass

i dont think a firefighter would do that, i mean...

well go go, take care of it, let me know how she is. thank you. -Go

woody harrelson...smallest dick ive ever seen on a man

see, thats why i watch these things. its like a cool behind the scenes thing that you wouldnt know

oh hey, listen, try this.

i told my weed guy to step it up, and he gave me that

what is it?

its called mind rape, its actually pretty mellow

it doesnt sound very mellow

well he only had 3 other batches

uh, gorilla panic...uh, there coming there coming

and something called this is permanent

come on , spark it up

there you go, you got it

ahahaha, nice

good huh? good job -yeah

take pride in that -you know, this place looks great

aww thanks man, its all Ikea, did the whole place for $47

nice... -yeah

how are the neighbours?

ah, you know, theres an asian family living next door, but they dont have a gong or nothing so its not too bad

thats lucky -yeah it is

hows work? -sucks

you? -you know,not bad actually

i met a girl, shes a cashier

no way, thats awesome -yeah

we should fucking double date, you me and Lori and...whats her name?

white trash name, guess...

mandy? -no...

marilyn? -no...

brittany? -no...

tiffany? -no...

candice? -no...

dont fuck me on this, i know this shit

do you see me fucking with you?

alright speed round.im gonna rattle off some names, and when i hit it, fucking buzz it ok?- i will tell you

you got me? alright

brandy, heather, shanine,briana, amber,sabrina,melody,dekota

ciara,bamby,crystal,samantha,autumn ruby,taylor,tara,tammy,lauren,

shelly,shantelle,courtney,misty,jenny, krista,mindy,nowel,shelby,trina,

casandra,nicky,kelsey,shauna,joleen ilene,claudine,savanha,casey,dolly kendra,kyley,chloe,demelu

fucking becky? -no

was it any one of those names with a lynn after it?

...yes...

ohh i got you motherfuker, i got you

ok...brandy-lynn,heather-lynn, tammy-lynn

FUCK!

what the hell

hey man, you think you can open more than 1 register? theres like a 1,000 people here

theres supposed to be 3 open

for gods sakes

stick your finger in the loop of my tag

you had sexual intercourse ontop of the produce that we sell to the public

-i fucked her with a parsnip last week...

and i sold the parsnip to a family with 4 small children

that took guts

we need guts. im promoting you

-you got alot of problems dont you?

alright karim

you suck karim

hello...

hey ted

oh, hey there fella how are you?

are you out here all alone?

uhh,no, no im not

you know, your never alone when your with christ, so...

no im not alone

yeah

yeah me too

you know Robert and i could give you a very good home

you know, im pretty happy where i am i just got a shitty new apartment

i could offer you $6,000 in railroad bonds

well you know, since i just returned from active duty in the civil war

that actually sounds very appealing

oh wait, sorry that was 150 years ago and i dont give a shit...

ok

teddy come on, were going to be late for dinner with your friends

ok, ill be there in a second baby as you can see,

my dance card is quite full im going to have to decline

can i just get a hug?

oh, no... -yeah

and it kills me to have to tell you no. because im a people pleaser

but,thank you for creeping up my night and jesus be with you...-ok

in christ

who was that guy?

oh, that was sinead o'connor, she dont look so good no more

how great is this huh? the 4 of us out to dinner

how long have we been saying we were gonna do ...

Lori, how you doing? i havent talked to you in forever

im good

the companys having there 20th anniversary party next week, so...

thats something

Lori's a senior vp at a pretty huge P.R firm

its not that big of a deal

companys turning 20...so you can bang it,but you cant get it drunk

right...

yeah she gets it she enjoys my humour

yeah, i mean Rex is having a house party, im surprised John didnt tell you

considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out

well you know, its funny cos whenever Johnny and i hang out

the first item on our agenda is... whats going on with Lori?

so you know its funny that didnt come up. it musta have slipped through the cracks

we do, we talk about you all the time

you remember the other day? i was saying how great Lori's hair always looks

oh my god it always looks so fucking great i just want to brush it, you know

right Johnny... i say that

so, tammy-lynn. why dont you tell us a little bit about yourself

like where you from? im always fascinated to meet teds girlfriends

what do you mean girlfriends? was there like alot of them or something?

no...thats not what she meant at all right Lori?, Lori you didnt mean that

no, no, what i meant to say was that teds very handsome, so im always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up

did you just call me a whore? -what?

you just worry about your own snatch how bout that honey...

wow, hey...what the hell happened?

we were having a friendly meal -this was a nice evening

dont talk shit to me

i just asked you a question

you know, your a frickin snob you think your all cool cos you work at some fancy shit place

whatever.-ok take it easy. nice Lori, real nice

me...its not my fault she cant speak english

oh fuck you. just cos your in the business world and shit, you think everyone should suck your asshole or something?

ok,alright. tammy, come on honey, lets get out of here. well go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry quicks

you know what bitch, i gave birth once, i can kick your fucking ass

and you better not show your face around quincy, you hear me? ever

i didnt know you had a baby, is it alive?

what a cunt...

i hate that word -what?

that word, its like an electric saw slashing everything in its path

why would you say that?

you dint exactly stand up for me...

im trying to walk a line here.i want to be fair to you and to him, you know

well i think your being a little more fair to him

oh, come on...

you know your boss called this morning asking how my arm was

huh...-yeah because of the dog fight that i tried to break up

if i had to guess, id say you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work

to go to teds. now...

am i right?

...i made you out to be a hero

you know what John, we asked ted to move out, to give ourselves a chance without it

your not giving anything a chance if your blowing off work to get high with your teddybear

your right. ive been getting stoned too much i know that

ive been bumming around with ted too much, i know that too

you give me one more chance, i promise i can fix it

John, i need a man. not a little boy with a teddybear

i know, done, man

right here infront of you, look at these pecks...these are man pecks

look at the hair on my upper lip... thats man hair

i just farted, that was a man fart

fine...

fine John, but this is, i swear to god your last chance

trust me, i love you

alright, i love you

i love you so much. you wont be sorry i swear

did you really just fart?

yeah...but i pushed it that way with my hand

i wonder who its going to hit first

"so if i told them once, i told them a million times,these numbers do not add up"

who did this to us?

god damn it, im here on business

alright, here we go

im really glad that you came -me too

yeah?

is it ok if i kick your boss's ass? i mean that wont effect your workplace chemistry will it?

please play nice

for you i will

thank you -anything

there she is... i was worried you weren't coming

hey there squirt, how you doing? wheres your bunny rabbit?

hes a bear -got it

oh my god, this house is fucking huge...

i know, try not to get lost. come on in

wow, here are the ladies. look at you guys

you guys look amazing

little heavy on the eye make up, but pretty good

you guys know Lori and Jim right? ...John

hi

listen, why dont John and i go get a drink at the bar

uh...sure -great, well be right back

come on buddy

thats an old sweater huh

this is Wade Boggs autographed bat

i just barely outbid phil donoghue for that at auction

wow cool

yeah...cool

these boxing gloves worn by Joe Lewis in his first fight

this is art, get it?

these were John Lennon's glasses there worth like a million dollars

thats me and Tom Scarritt

ohh...check this out

thats Lance Armstrong's nut

i had it freeze dried and bronzed

every now and then, when my lifes getting me down and things are tough. i just come up here, and i look at it

and it reminds me that... things arent so bad

sometimes you feel like a nut

sometimes you dont

so, talk to me Johnny quest, how are things with you and Lori

you know, things are great actually

oh thats great that ...is...great

Lori would hate me for saying this, but she told me how you are at the office

and as one gentleman to another, i justwant to say, i really fucking hope you get lou gehrig's disease

wow...i think we need to clear the air here a little

i mean yeah, im kind of a fun time boss and what not

but look man, i do that with everybody at the office

im a cook

i have no designs on your girlfriend we work together and thats it

i think your a great guy. and shes a very lucky girl

well thats good to hear

yeah

excuse me

hey ted

Johnny, were are you you gotta get over here man. why whats going on?

ok, so

im having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment

and John...Sam Jones is here

what!

sam jones...Flash fucking Gordon ...is here

holy shit, what

you remember i said my buddys cousin is friends with sam jones?

well my buddys cousin is in town, and who do you think is with him...

sam jones...sam jones is here and John ...his hair is parted down the middle

-just like in the movie...

yes!, get over here right now

fuck i cant,im with Lori and im already on probation

i just...i cant

John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our informative years.he taught us right from wrong, good from evil

and the word acting apparently has an extremly broad definition

Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship John. come share this with me

im coming

Rex, i gotta go. ill be back in like 30 minutes tops ok

Lori can not find out. she absolutely can not know i was gone

if you can cover for me, im cool with all that other shit

i got your back on this she wont know ive been there

alright, this is one man to another i dont really know you, but im trusting

you as a man. this is serious

dude...one man to another, i got you on this

thank you, ill be back

im going to have sex with your girlfriend

oh Johnny thank christ, you made it

dude, i got 10 minutes. where's Flash Gordon?

ok get ready

hey sam, this is the guy i was telling you about

how you doing? good to meet you

i thank you for saving everyone of us

your welcome

ahh,he acknowledged it

lets do some shits -with you?

oh my god...oh my god yes -yes totally

lets go

thanks

there you go my friend -thank you

"death to Ming"

you know, you guys seem pretty cool you like to party?

uhh...cocaine right?

come on dudes, dont tell me you never done it before

well uh, not recently no.-i thought that was just for people in florida

you better follow me, come on

Johnny im frightened

we are gonna party like the 80's

show us how Flash

its easy, we just gotta nail alot of girls named stephanie

oh my god Johnny i got so much energy we better start doing stupid shit

look Johnny, if were ever going to get serious about opening a restaurant, we gotta start planning it now

Italian... -Italian yes

whats the specials on tuesdays? eggplant parm

chopped salad, half price -and its a non restrictive place

wait, what do you mean? -anybody can come

ofcourse... -Jews are welcome

yeah, why wouldnt they be? -exactly, thats what im saying

why would you even bring that up? -you dont bring that up, you let them in

so why mention it? -no one will

why are we talking about it? -your talking about it, im just saying let them in

yeah exactly, right, good, ok

no mexicans though...

this is how everyone sang in the 90's

trust me, i can do this -shut up

let him try man -alright, ok

son of a bitch

...well you never should have trusted me, im on drugs

hey Johnny. i just had a great idea lets go get drunk at cars on the overpass

oh come on, i do not sound that much like peter griffin

you can do any 90's song with just vowels

see, there, proof.Garfields eyes look like a pair of tits

you were right

if you can punch through this wall you really are Flash gordon

you gonna do it? -im gonna punch through it

go on sam, do it -do it

oh my god...oh my god

yes, he did it

what they hell your problem, you breaker my wall, i breaker your wall

break his arm off -were gonna die

you breaker my wall, dis my home long time

you breaker my wall you bastard men were sorry

it was an accident ok.. i try to make duck dinner, now plaster everywhere

chill out ok, look. can we just talk about this? whats your name?

im John. my name a Wan Ming

Ming...

you blame each other for war, this bullshit, this all bullshit

"Deah to Ming"

let him go

you crazy, you crazy man

come on james franco

you pay for wall, move sucker

hey...

-hey guy

whats going on?

this is Gerrard, hes the guy who beat me up

and ahh...were in love. -huh?

turns out im gay, or whatever i dont know

i had no idea

hey Gerrard, lets go grab another one of these

how we doing ace? you coming down?

yeah, i dont feel so good

oh give it a couple of hours, youll be golden pony boy

you want a xanax?

oh shit, oh my god -what?

i gotta go

...Lori...i...

Lori

Lori, wait please

im sorry, i messed up. - i need you out of the apartment tonight

can i just... -give me the car keys

can i please just explain... -no

i was...-i have givin up a huge chunk of my life for you

i was gonna stop in for like 5 minutes, then Flash Gordon...

just give me the car keys

Lori

Lori please, i love you, come on

hey johnny, there you are

i had to get some air

that dude from your office is on the couch, making out with that Van Wilder looking guy

you know what, fuck you, i dont even want to talk to you

what... -do you know what just happened?

do you have any clue? my fucking life just ended

oh come on, shell go home, shell watch Bridget Jones some asshole, shell have a good cry.she'll be fine.

youll talk to her tomorrow come on upstairs

are you even listening to me? do you even give any thread of a shit?

ofcourse i do...Johnny, thunder buddys for life, remember

jesus, Lori was right.i shoulda stopped hanging out with you along time ago

im never going to have a life with you around. im 35 years old and im going nowhere

all i do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fucking bear

because of that, i just lost the love of my life

Johnny...i...im sorry

i gotta be on my own ted. i cant see you anymore

John, wait, listen

"i love you"

so, word through the grapevine is that your newly solo

Rex, i have alot of work i need to get to

i have tickets to norah jones at the hatshell tonight, and i would love it if you'd go with me

your asking me out? a week after i broke up with somebody...

look, im going to cut the shit here

please

this is the first time you've been single in all the years you've worked here

just...go out with me one time?

and if your miserable, and you hate it.then i promise, i will never hint at the subject again

please

Rex, i dont think its smart

im an asshole, i know that. it worked for me in highschool. and its been a reflex ever since

Lori, the worst that can happen is you go on a fun casual date, with a guy

who just wants to prove that he can be something more than a jerk

plus you are a huge catch, and its about time someone treated you that way

fuck it, fine

sure beats crying myself to sleep every night

and if that means getting you off my back,well thats just a bonus

ill pick you up at 8

hey Johnny, its me

go away

Johnny open the door please, i want to talk

jesus christ, what the fuck man

sorry, look Johnny, i know your pissed alright

but just listen to me for 5 seconds

i saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex

what?

im serious John. i went over to talk to her, maybe take some of the heat off you

and there he was, picking her up

they were going to the hatshell

your fucking unbelievable you know that

i mean how stupid do you think i am?

if you think that by making shit up like that your going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her

your out your fucking mind. John its the truth im telling you

you know what, get out of here

you know what, your acting like a cock you know that?

what? im acting like a cock?

yes, you are. so shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me

huh?...meat hole , thats not right is it...no

pudding hole...is that what they say, no cant be that either right.cos how can you have any pudding, if you dont eat your meat

pink floyd thing...the point is, your blaming me, for something that you did to yourself

Lori was right about you. you cannot take any responsibility for anything that goes on in your life

oh and you can?

i dont have to, im a fucking teddybear

you know something... i didnt tie you up and drag you to that party

alright, i wanted you to come because your supposedly my best friend

you cant stand there and tell me you havent always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship

i mean it works out so much better for you when were getting fucked up on the couch at 9A.M doesnt it?

listen to yourself, what am i, emperor ming here controlling your mind

thats your choice John. and you know by blaming me, you just make yourself look like a pussy

you know, sometimes i think back to that christmas morning, when i was 8 years old

i wish id just gotten a teddy ruxpin

say that 1 more time...

teddy...rux...fucking...pin

shit, ou fuck man

fucking stop

why you crying?

my dick is squished by the t.v

im so sorry Johnny

so am i man

i love you

i love you too

listen

you gotta let me help you make things right with you and Lori

theres no putting things right, she fucking hates me

look , john, we can get her back

you remember when you were 10? and you hit that squirrel with your bb gun

and then when we seen it fall from the tree we both started crying, you remember?

and we ran upto it, and we tried to give it CPR

and it came back to life

John, we could do that again

ted, we blew out its rib cage and crushed its lungs trying to give it CPR

it died

come on, were going to the hatshell

thanks. were gonna take a short break, but well be back in a few

hey, play chopsticks you jazzy slut

teddy...

how are you?

how you doing you fuzzy little asshole?

oh you know, im not a hot half muslim chick whos sold 37 million records, but im hanging in there

half indian, but thanks

yeah whatever, thanks for 9-11. hey listen, i want you to meet a good pal of mine alright

John Bennett...norah jones

hi -hey there...sweaty

you ready to bring down the house?

yes ma'am. thank you for the opportunity miss... ma'am...jones

thank you

jesus, you look fantastic

well, your probably not used to seeing me fully clothed

i know right. me and norah met in 2002 at a party at belinda carlisle's house

and we had awkward fuzzy sex in the cloak room

actually you wernt so bad for a guy with no penis

yeah. you know, ive written so many angry letters to hasbro about that

thank you

so im going to give my chops a rest, and bring a friend upto the stage

hes going to sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much

please give a big hand, to John Bennett

oh...my god

holy shit

i gotta fuck her again

umm high, my names John bennett

and this is for Lori Collins, cos i love you

and this song always reminds me of the most important night of my life. the night we met

umm, this is the theme song from the movie octopussy

still better than Katy Perry

you suck, get off the stage

aww come on, give him a chance

your an asshole

oh jesus

someone call an ambulance

that was insane

did you see the way the guys body hit the ground?. it was like a rag doll

id rather just not talk about it

you want to go get a drink after this?

i feel like i could use one after seeing a guy almost die

uh nope, i think id rather just have you take me home

one drink come on

no, not really feeling upto it

alright, i get it

and you know, i dont blame you

i mean thing about it, it was actually unfair of him to embarrass you like that

just to be clear, im not embarrassed

so John and i have our problems, but at least he tried

you know what, i dont feel like talking to you about this

where you going?

taking a cab, im going home

finally

down here, not looking up your towell, swear to god

not looking up your towell, not looking at your funny business

ted, what are you doing here?

i need to talk to you

listen if your here to fight Johns battles for him its not...

just let me talk first alright, and then you can say whatever you want

look, John loves you very much

more than anything in the world

and hes falling to fucking pieces without you

he knows he screwed up huge. but you gotta believe me,

it wasnt all his fault alright. i told him to bail on you that night at Rex's

and he said no, he was going to stay there with you

and i twisted his arm Lori

so if you just give him one more chance

i promise i will leave, and ill never come back

alright...hell be all yours

ted, thats a really nice offer. but i dont want you to do that

this is between John and me, and i dont think it can be fixed

yeah because of me

look look Lori, you want him to be a man

but as long as hes got his teddybear, hes always going to be a boy

hes waiting down at Charlies right now, so if you go down there and just talk to him

ill be gone when you get back

forever

and youll see. hell never be scared of thunder again

michelob ultra tuscan orange grapefruit

my god, americas imploding

high ted

fuck!

Lori...what...

hey

what are you doing here?

you can thank ted

should i...should i sit?

yeah...if you want -ok

so works good? everythings good there?

yeah, works good

well i guess we cant make small talk all day huh?

if its ok with you, i just want to say what i want to say

look i could sit here and tell you im sorry, and it was a huge misunderstanding, im ready to change

but i dont think you want to hear any of that crap

im not going to try and get you to take me back. i mean, why would you

ive been a really shitty boyfriend for the last 4 years, i dont deserve you

look, i know i didnt take our relationship seriously, but Lori

i do love you more than life itself

and i want is... i just want to end on good terms

i owe that to you

alright, i want you to be happy, you deserve that

and i just hope, you know, that we can still be friends

thank you for being so honest

that was pretty much it

thanks for coming by

yeah

as you can see, youve been a part of our family for quite some time

welcome home

yeah its kinda funny, i got alot of pictures of you guys at my house

is he all mine daddy?

yes he is my little winner, yes he is

ted you've arrived at a lucky time, its almost Robert's play hour

im guessing you guys dont have a ps3

im guessing your more of a wooden horse with a wig kinda family

yeah

eh yeah, no

yeah

yeah see theres a cart

ted, you belong to Robert now. you do as he says

you think your just gonna get away with a kidnapping?. its a nice fucking example your setting

LANGUAGE!...sorry sorry

you know ted, when i was a little boy

i saw you on television, and i thought you were the most amazing most wonderful thing id ever seen,ever.

and i asked my dad if i could have a magical teddybear too

and he said no

can you just email me the rest of this story...

and i was so heartbroken

and i promised myself that if i ever had a son,i would never, ever, ever, say no to him

ever

maybe no to a snickers bar every once and a while wouldn't hurt

me and ted are going to be best friends daddy

yes you are my little chipmunk

happy playtime

jesus fucking christ

i said that word one time

daddy punished me for it

thats a great story, i felt like i was there

daddy gave me an ouch

now...i have to give you an ouch

alright kid you win, what you want to do? you want to play a game?

its playtime right, well play a game

yeah, ill play a game -good

uh, alright lets see, how about we play a little game of hide and seek?

i love hide and seek, ill hide

now hang on there, your daddy likes you to show good manners, right Tubby McFatfuck

ok, you hide first

great,fantastic. now,you count to 100 and then you try to find me, ok?

do i need to wash my hands before i play this game?

no...thats a weird fucking question, no just start counting

1...2...3...

4...5...6...

7...

ok,no peeking now, or youll get kid cancer

8...9...

10...11... 12...13...

hey. - hey. -walking home alone huh?

yeah

do you need a lift?

oh im ok, i mean if i get raped, then it would be my fault for what im wearing

listen, John

theres something that i need to say to you too

hey, -hey -John, i hope that...

listen i dont want you to think that...

sorry

i want us to keep talking... because i think that maybe...

look,whoever this is, its not a good time

John, its me, can you hear me?

ted?...listen i gotta call you back

nono no, John dont hang up im in trouble

what do you mean? what kind of trouble?

they got me, that freaky guy from the park and that kid

who i think is his son, but may also be his lover, i dont know

wow wow wow, slow down. where are you?

uh..im not sure.its uh...

hello... hello John...

hello...

your not a very polite guest are you?

shit! -ted, hello...

ted

whats the matter? is he ok?

i dont know -well where is he?

i dont know, he just said he was in trouble

can you call him back?

no its blocked

wait a second

go, take colombus to hylton, get on the express way

hello, 911. i need the police right away

this guy took my teddybear

hello...

let me out of here, you crazy bastards

oh...oh...i hear the fat kid running, i hear the fat kid running. ...that is hilarious

come on, let me out of here

i am a citizen of the United Stated of America, and i have rights

Robert, seatbelt

should be right here somewhere

Johnny

wow wow wow, stop stop stop thats them,turn around

stay with them

hang on

back off Susan Boyle

oh my god, hes gonna jump

get closer

alright, easy... -come on ted

shit -yes

hey Johnny, total T.J Hooker right?

yes!, fucking A right!

go go go

daddy

lets see how well you know these streets

where is he?

jesus

there he is, pullover

no...you cant have my teddybear...

holy shit

sorry, somebody had to go joan crawford on that kid

come on

ted...

oh my god

ahh shit

jesus, stay here -no no no John

wait John -stay here

your mine ted

screw you pal, i belong to John Bennett

but i can give you love

and rocking horses, and dancing

i think we're very far apart on this

ted... -Johnny

oh my god

ted

John

Lori, get the stuffing. get it all

Johnny...

your gonna be ok buddy, can you understand? your gonna be fine

jesus, i look like the robot from Aliens

look at me buddy. i promise, your going to be ok

i dont think so

im a...im...im in trouble

i need...i need to tell you something

what is it?

dont...dont ever lose her again

shes the most important...

most important part of your life

even...even more than me

shes your thunder buddy now

shes...

i got it

baby, i dont know if this is going to work

please, just try

come on buddy

im so sorry

you did everything you could

im so sorry

ted

im alive Johnny, -oh my god

im alive

your magic always worked

your back, i cant...

yeah, i mean when you sawed me up, you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places John

ima little fucked up, but will you take care of me forever and ever?

nah...im just kidding with you, i thought it would be funny if you thought i was fucking retarded

you asshole... -come here you bastard

welcome back ted

it was you...

you did it...

son of a bitch. you wished for my life back

no...no no

i wished for my life back

i love you

i love you too

and i want you to know that

after last night, i dont want to lose anyone that matters to me ever again

im not gonna wait any longer for my life to start

...Lori

will you marry me?

all i ever wanted was you John Bennett

and so, John and Lori and ted, lived happily ever after

having discovered at last, that all they really needed was each other

John and Lori were married in Cambridge, by a very special justice of the peace

by the power vested in me

by the New York Jets

and by the united peoples of the planet Mongo

i now pronounce you, man and wife

you may kiss the bride Johnny

thanks so much for coming

my daughter better be alive you sick son of a bitch

i am so... fake happy for her

ahh, you know sam, theres only one way to end a perfect day

whats that?

Flash jump

right...

1...2...

3... -yeah

and thats the story of how 1 magical wish,forever changed the lives of 3 very special friends

ted and Tammy-Lynn continued there torrid love affair for quite some time

one afternoon, ted was caught behind the deli counter,eating potato salad off of Tammy-Lynn's bare bottom

he was instantly promoted to store manager

Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood, with the goal of restarting his film career

he currently resides in burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his room mate brandon routh

remember brandon routh, from that god aweful superman movie?

jesus christ... thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us

Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori

not long after, he fell into a deep depression and died of lou gehrig's disease

Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy

the charge was dropped when everyone realised how completely stupid that sounded

Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become taylor lautner

english by sub-stance

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