Original subtitles

[]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[TYRES SCREECHING]

[EXPLODES]

[]

God!

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hold it a second, huh?

Thanks.

How's it look? Pretty messy.

According to the ID found on his body, his name's Eric Snow.

He was a purser on that ship over there.

We may have a witness here.

Mr. Harry Percival. Lord Harry, please, officer,

of Lord Harry's World Famous Tattoo Parlor Deluxe just down the pier.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

Nope. Nope. Sorry.

What did you see? Well, uh...

as I told that officer over there, very little, if anything, I'm afraid.

You see, I was tattooing a Liberty Bell on a young lady's derrière...

her salute to the American free enterprise, I believe,

when screeching tires frightened my kitty, Sir Winston.

By the time I got to the door, I caught the barest glimpse

of a woman driving off in a green sports car.

Can you describe her? Mm, young, blond and pretty.

Have I told you about my special for this week?

Purchase a tattoo of a black widow spider,

and I throw in, at no additional cost, a lovely red heart

bearing the inscriptions, "Born to make whoopee."

How's that?

No. It's too common.

Everybody's got hearts and spiders.

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

STARSKY: Doesn't seem to be anybody on board.

HUTCH: Well, they're probably all below decks.

Ahoy there! Anybody on board?

"Ahoy there"?

Oh, Starsky, isn't this great?

What?

Oh, the feel of the sea under your feet and that fresh ocean spray in your face.

Ahoy there!

You know what one of your problems is? You got no romanticism about the sea.

Is that a fact? That's right.

You know, I've been in love with the sea and with the ships ever since I was old enough to read.

I was a Sea Scout when I was a kid.

Hutch, you were born in Duluth, Minnesota.

It's 1000 miles from any ocean.

HUTCH: It's 1500 miles.

Then how did you become a Sea Scout?

It wasn't easy.

[YELLS]

Police!

Me too.

Put me down.

Put him down. Well, let me go.

Let him go. Oh.

What did you jump us for?

I thought you were the guys that jumped me.

What? What are you talking about?

This tub's sailing in the morning.

I came on board to get the gear of a ship's officer who was killed last night.

Eric Snow. Yeah. That's right.

So?

Well, I was walking on deck when someone jumped me, clobbered me.

When I came to, gear was gone.

The next thing I know, you two guys were walking around on deck.

Look. What's your name?

Oxey.

Oxey. Oxey.

Oxey, when you were going through Eric Snow's gear,

you find anything unusual?

Something someone might have wanted bad enough to, you know...

No. Nothing?

Well, I wasn't looking for nothing. Oh.

Mostly clothes, shaving stuff, a few kinky books...

Nothing that nobody's gonna get killed over.

Look, Oxey. Is there anybody around here we can get some real information from?

Some background on Eric Snow?

With all that's gone down so far,

I think you guys better talk to the commodore himself.

The commodore? Commodore.

Yeah. Commodore.

COMMODORE: Time was, I knew every man jack aboard her.

Now I don't know one-tenth of the men on my own ships.

[GROANS]

Not like the old days.

Those were the good old days.

Those were the grand times.

Now, Mr. Eric Snow.

He was a troublesome young man.

And you wanted to see the record, his file on him?

Yeah. Snow wasn't exactly

one of your favourites, huh?

I don't know whom I despised more.

Mr. Eric Snow for being what he was, or myself for keeping him in employ.

Mr. Eric Snow.

He was an arrogant cheat and a liar.

But he did have one great asset.

He could keep the Amapola well-booked with plump passengers.

Excuse me, commodore. Uh...

There doesn't seem to be a local address on Mr. Snow here.

No? Well, there should be. This was his home port.

Oh, yes. I told you that Mr. Snow had one great asset. Women.

Oh, yes, women. Women. They were his long suit.

Probably some women ashore was why he didn't feel a need

of having a local address of his own.

Commodore, there was a witness who saw a young woman

leaving the scene of Mr. Snow's murder.

She was in her mid-20s, blond. Does that ring a bell?

Yes. Oh, yes, there was one such, yes.

Yes.

Oh, yes, she booked travel agencies, you know.

Mostly young people's groups. What you call swinging singles.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, here she is. Moss. An October Moss.

Oh, now, she seems to have had a change of address.

[]

STARSKY: October Moss. Any relation to April Showers?

HUTCH: No. December Bride.

Just a minute.

Yes? I'm Detective Hutchinson.

This is Detective Starsky. Are you October Moss?

No, I'm October's roommate, Helen Carnahan. October's in the bath.

We don't have to talk to her in there. The living room will be fine.

Come in.

Thank you.

We've never had a visit from the police before. Can you tell me what it's about?

Would you tell Miss Moss we're here?

October? OCTOBER: Yeah?

Hey, listen, if it's about that traffic ticket, I'm not guilty.

But I sure wouldn't mind being arrested by one of you two officers.

Well, thank you very much, but that's not why we're here.

It's about a friend of yours, Eric Snow.

Eric?

He was murdered last night.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Would you like to sit down?

We understand you and Eric were quite close.

Eric and I broke up a couple of weeks ago.

I guess I knew it could never last. He, uh...

He could be such a violent man at times. He, um...

That's why I moved in with Helen here. I don't know...

Miss Moss.

I'm sorry to have to ask you this question at a time like this.

But there was a woman matching your general description who left the scene of the crime last night.

Her general description?

A lot of girls fit that.

I fit that description.

Yeah.

Where were you about 10:00 last night?

I guess from about 8 till midnight, I was with

the Bayside Singles Club.

I was booking about...

About 20 of their members on a...

On a cruise that... On Eric's cruise.

Acapulco.

If there's nothing else...

STARSKY: Thank you, Miss Moss.

Oh, there is one other thing.

Excuse me.

Where were you last night?

Are you kidding? No.

You said yourself that you match the general description.

I didn't even know Eric Snow.

But if it's that important, I was here last night.

I watched some TV, read and went to bed.

Alone? That's none of your business.

Alone. Thank you.

Thank you.

[]

The mystifying rings.

You forgot to say "shazam," Hug.

Them rings are kid stuff. Great escapes is where I'm at.

Help me into this, and I will show you Huggy,

the Houdini with soul.

Huggy, you said on the phone you had some information for us about Eric Snow.

Well, it seems he's a smalltime coke dealer with a very big mouth.

Cocaine, huh?

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

That would explain what his killer was after.

Got to put it on tight because this won't hold me long.

My cousin, Marco the Magnificent, taught me this trick.

I'm looking after his establishment while he goes to court.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.

What's he doing there? Oh, nothing much.

Seems he was demonstrating his famous guillotine trick

and cut off some dude's finger.

But when it comes to escapes, he's perfect.

HUGGY: You guys ready? In a second.

Anything else on Snow? He's been bragging lately

about what a big deal he's gonna be after his next voyage to Mexico.

His next voyage?

You sure you don't mean his last trip? Next.

Capital N-E-X-T.

More. Are you ready?

Hold on, hold on. We almost got you.

Because when you see this...

It will not hold me long.

Come on, stand back.

Take it, Hug. Stand back.

And I'll be out of this before you can say, "Abracadabra, hocus pocus,

dominicus."

I'm getting it.

You will be amazed!

Starsky, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, if Snow wasn't gonna score until his next voyage,

what was his killer looking for?

You got me.

Let's get out of here, huh? Yeah.

It's all in muscle control and timing.

[]

Starsky, what'd you do to these things?

Hutch!

Starsky!

Shazam! Shazam!

Helen? Helen?

Are you in that bathroom again? You're gonna turn into a prune.

Come on out and look what I bought us to eat. It's terrific!

[SCREAMS]

October?

What's going on out here?

You all right?

October?

[]

Miss Carnahan.

You were here before...

Sergeant... Hutchinson. Ken Hutchinson.

October's dead.

Miss Carnahan, did you see anything? Anybody?

That poor girl is dead. What more do you want me to see?

She's dead.

Why did it have to happen to her? Why?

We don't know that yet, Miss Carnahan.

Apparently, whoever killed October was looking for something.

What's that supposed to mean? I don't know what you're talking about!

She's pretty upset. Yeah, I guess so.

What did the doc have to say?

Nothing much.

Except that he's pretty sure it's the same guy that did Snow.

Let's get out of here, huh? Yeah.

[]

What do you mean, impound the ship?

You're not talking about a pickup truck. That's over 20,000 tons of steel.

Captain, Eric Snow has been busted three times for possession of cocaine.

Never convicted.

Come on, cap, once for possession, maybe.

But three times, whether those cases were kicked out or not, is a pretty big positive.

You really think he's got something stashed aboard?

Two people have been murdered, captain. Their killer was after something.

But you said your informant told you that he wasn't gonna make his big score until his next voyage.

Captain, we never said this case made any sense.

But everything we've got so far leads back to that ship.

Now, whether that's a bundle of money or a stash of cocaine, at least it's a place to start.

Yeah, heard that.

All right. But I still don't think I can get that ship impounded.

However, I will speak to the port authority to see if I can get a search party aboard.

In the meantime, I don't want you two on any other case.

I gotta figure out something to tell the mayor and the chief

why I held up the sailing of a multimillion dollar ship.

Fruit flies.

Oh, that's terrific, Hug.

Well, it takes time to perfect the magical arts.

But the results are worth it.

I certainly hope so. Well, take a look at this tube, Starsky.

As you can see, it's empty.

You said you had something for us, Hug.

Well, right after we discussed the late Eric Snow,

I came across some information about his ship, the Amapola.

The Amapola. The Amapola.

In connection with another dude, Patsy Cairo,

who's the syndicate's top man in its West Coast operation.

Well, he and his old lady, my sources say,

are sailing today using the name of Clark, Mr. And Mrs. Clark.

Clark. Pick a card.

Cairo always does business from inside the family compound.

Now, what would be big enough to bring him to the outside?

I don't know, but from what you said, it's killed two people.

Maybe he's on vacation. Well, all I know is

Cairo's younger brother, Nicky, who's one mean cat,

and his brother's bodyguard told his travel plans to a foxy chick

who whispers in my ear, so I know my tip is hip.

Your card is the jack of diamonds. Seven of spades.

Thanks a lot, Hug.

Oh, by the way, I'm glad to see you got out of that straitjacket.

We were afraid we were gonna have to call the fire rescue squad.

Hey, there's no bonds made that can hold Huggerino the Supremo.

No, I don't like it.

Putting men aboard my ships as undercover agents.

Goes against my grain. Pah.

Just what is it you hope to accomplish by all this?

Commodore, we want the murderers of Eric Snow and October Moss.

Also, Patsy Cairo.

Commodore, Patsy Cairo's a man who's hurt a lot of people.

And now, for the first time in years, we think he might be coming out in the open.

See, commodore, we think

that we might have lucked onto the tip of an iceberg.

A narcotics buy so big

that the kingpin himself has to come out to make the deal.

And if we can be there, we can get a shot at nailing him.

All of this is opinion, theory.

Suppose I do put you aboard one of my ships in Mexico

and you come back to home port empty-handed?

What then? Well, at least we'll come back

with terrific tans.

And pottery. Pottery?

Yeah. I'm thinking of starting

a hand-painted collection of pottery.

[LAUGHING]

Captain Dobey, I like your men here.

What you call "picturesque."

Well, all right. I'll go along with you.

But you must tell Captain LaRue. He must be in on your shenanigans.

Commodore Atwater.

Thanks a lot. We really appreciate it.

Captain Dobey.

Now all we gotta think of is what kind of cover to use.

I got it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HUTCH: Welcome. Hack and Zack. STARSKY: Welcome to our show.

Hack and Zack. Welcome aboard the Amapola.

Welcome aboard. Name's Hack and Zack.

Welcome aboard. Bar's upstairs. Have a good time.

Well, well. Mr. Tahaka... Here's your program.

Takahashi, sir. Japanese.

I'm a red-blooded American from Houston, Texas, sir.

[BABBLES]

What the...?

You don't know Japanese. What'd you say that for?

Can't be too careful. Welcome, sir.

HUTCH: Well, well. Bayside Singles. WOMAN: All right.

Don't you have nice, large signs.

Oh, well, so do you. Well, thank you very much.

One for you and one for you.

Which one are you. Hack or Zack?

Whatever turns you on. Oh, a lot of things turn me on.

Watch it, clown. Wherever these girls go, I go.

Oh, you'll be spending a lot of time in my stateroom.

All in good fun, sir. No offence intended. Right, Hack?

I thought I was Zack.

That depends which side of the sign you're on.

Well, listen. Don't worry about Harv. He's upset because his chick Kitty didn't make it the ship.

Oh, that's too bad. Don't worry, Harv.

It'll all work out. Sure, sure.

MAN ON PA: Visitors will please leave the ship.

We will be sailing shortly.

Drinks are served upstairs.

Oh, there goes a nice pair of jeans. I like that T-shirt.

All ashore that's going ashore.

What? Keep your eyes open.

Why aren't you keeping your eyes open?

I was helping those ladies, I couldn't... You told me to...

Now, don't start with me. What do you think, you're...?

Welcome aboard, sir. Have a nice trip. Read this.

Excuse me. I'm Hubert Stuffy, and this is my mother.

Oh, don't be despondent.

It was her last request when she died last week that we make this cruise.

It's her 35th.

And when we pass Ensenada, she becomes admiral of the fleet.

Oh, we're gonna have a grand time.

Terrific. Good.

Starsky. Starsky. What?

What do you want? Starsky, our friend's here.

If I'm not mistaken, that is Mr. And Mrs. Clark, otherwise known as Patsy Cairo

and his faithful bodyguard, Nicky, and that hooker, Lily.

STARSKY: Welcome aboard the Amapola.

Mr. And Mrs... Clark.

Clark. Clark, Clark, Clark. Clark, Clark.

We're entertainment directors on the Amapola. Welcome.

Clark. Clark.

Here it is. Mr. And Mrs. Clark.

Clark. Clark.

Where's stateroom B? Right down, next deck down, sir.

To the right. Thank you.

You're welcome. Have a nice trip.

Drinks are upstairs. Clark.

Look at the handsome devils.

I'm Edna Zelinka from Akron, Ohio.

I'm travelling with my beautiful, single daughter.

Bertha, where are you? What happened?

I broke my heel. Oh, is that incredible.

And she is so light on her feet for a girl so well-built.

A dancer. Look at this face.

Oh, is that gorgeous. It's ravishing.

I'll bet you're Polish. I'm never wrong about something like that.

Yes? No.

You're not? Don't kid me.

Bertha, I think we're gonna have a crazy time. Are we in for a treat.

Come along. I love treats.

BERTHA: Hot stuff. Bye, hot stuff.

You smooth-talking devil. I didn't say anything.

I know.

Don't go without me!

Uh...

Welcome aboard, Miss...? Kitty.

Kitty. Oh, you dropped...

Oh, I'm sorry. You okay? Come on. Up you go.

Let go of her. I have warned you about fooling around with these girls.

Harvey Schwab, you're insane. If I wanna be friendly, I'm allowed.

Now, don't be strangers, sailors.

See you around the quad, Harv.

MAN ON PA: All ashore that's going ashore.

[WHISTLING]

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

STARSKY: Excuse me. Having a good time?

HUTCH: Good evening. STARSKY: Welcome aboard. Welcome.

Hello. STARSKY: How you doing?

HUTCH: Hello. Welcome.

Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know something? What?

Except for the torpedo tube they gave us for a room, I kind of dig this.

Yeah? Yeah.

Mr. Hack and Mr. Zack, isn't it?

Yes. Which is which?

He's Hack. He's Hack.

I'm First Officer Stafford.

How do you do, Stafford? Mr. Stafford.

You will address me as "Mr. Stafford" or "sir."

The captain has made you my responsibility.

I should warn you now, I will not tolerate any boisterousness, drunkenness,

lechery, any activity that might upset the passengers

or the smooth operation of this ship.

All of the above.

Aye-aye, sir.

Anything else? The captain sends his greetings

and requests you report to his cabin at two bells.

That's 9:00, Starsk.

I suggest if you've been drinking

you suck a mint before keeping the appointment.

Oh, and I forgot. There's a young lady, says she knows you.

Asked you to meet her in her cabin, 202.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, how's my breath?

You know something? What?

He was right.

About what? Your breath.

No, no, no. There are only eight bells in a day.

They go around six times.

What time is it now? Well, let's take a look.

It's just past eight bells, going on one.

Unless, of course, you're on Zulu time.

Zulu time? That's the official Navy time.

And if you're on that, of course, it's a whole different bell game.

Hi.

[]

Helen Carnahan.

Brown. The name is Nellie Brown on this trip.

Come on in.

Come on.

I caught your act while the passengers were boarding. Very, very amusing disguise.

I thought we'd better talk.

Let's just say I have very good reasons for wanting to be Nellie Brown on this trip.

As I'm sure you have yours for wanting to remain Hack and Zack.

The point is, you keep my little secret, and I'll keep yours.

Well...

It might not be that easy.

Oh, I won't get in your way if that's what you're worried about.

You just stay out of mine.

You were the girl seen running from Eric Snow's murder.

Yes, but I had nothing to do with it. Nothing.

And October Moss?

I'm very sorry about that part. What is that supposed to mean?

That's all I can tell you. Well, that's not enough.

That's all you're gonna get. Now, listen...

What are you gonna do, put me in irons?

I've done my homework.

You two are fish out of water. You have no jurisdiction here.

Good night.

Miss Carnahan. Nellie Brown.

I think she kind of likes us.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's call home. Get some more information on that lady.

Kitty. Ooh, hello again.

Tie's on backwards.

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

Hack and Zack reporting as ordered, sir.

Come in, come in.

Close the door.

Gentlemen, I better tell you up front, I didn't want you on my ship.

Well, captain, I think we can understand that.

Don't patronize me!

The final passenger list.

It's about the same as the one you had before.

Three hundred and twelve passengers.

Most of them don't know each other.

Elderly people, widows on the prowl, a singles club.

Pathetic young people desperately trying to have fun.

Fun.

Sort of a microcosm of our society.

Captain... Wouldn't you say?

Oh, yes, sir. Good.

Captain, what is our ETA?

Nothing has changed.

We go non-stop to Acapulco. We'll be there at 1500 hours

the day after tomorrow. That's 3:00 in the afternoon, Starsk.

Well, is that all, gentlemen?

Not quite, sir.

A young lady on board by the name of Nellie Brown.

She's using that name, Nellie Brown. Her real name is Helen Carnahan.

We'd like to send a message to our department to run a check on her.

Is she a prime suspect?

Well, we know she's involved, sir. We just don't know to what extent.

Then your request is denied.

But, captain, this is police business we're talking about.

I am fully aware of that, but we are also talking about my ship.

Captain, I don't think you understand something.

I told you not to patronize me.

If you start making official police calls to the mainland,

pretty soon your cover is blown.

And the grapevine has it all over the ship.

Now, as I see it,

you got aboard talking about murder and conspiracy.

Yes, sir.

Well, if that's true and your cover is blown,

the two of you are going to end up dead.

I don't want that on my ship.

Save your calls for Acapulco.

What you're saying, captain, is that you don't trust your crew.

You can take it any way you want.

Well, then I guess that'll be all, huh...? Uh, sir.

What's the matter?

You know, all my life, I've dreamed of living at sea.

What it would be like to be a captain.

Then I look at these two men, the captain and the commodore,

and I see how the sea has left them. Bitter, disillusioned.

Some mistress. The sea?

Time.

[]

MAN: I'm telling you, they're cops. Their names are Starsky and Hutch.

Patsy, let me take care of this. That's what I like about you, Nicky.

Your solutions to problems always reflect so much thought

and consideration.

So, what do we do, Patsy?

We wait.

Over 300 people aboard this ship. I mean, those cops could be here for any reason.

And what if it's us? If it's us,

then I'll let my little baby brother have his fun. Okay?

STARSKY: Simon Says! Simon Says!

He says, "Put your left hand up."

I didn't say, "Simon says." I said, "He says."

[CROWD GROANS]

You better sit down, now. Sit down, and we're out!

Here we go now. Get ready. Simon Says.

Simon says, "Pick your left foot up." Simon says, "Put your left foot down."

Simon says, "Put your left hand up." Put it down.

Uh-oh!

Oh, there's another one.

Okay, Simon says, "Put your left foot up." Put it down.

Simon says, "Put your left foot down." Simon says...

Morning.

Zack? Yeah. Good morning.

Art Jensen, second officer. Right. Yeah.

What's next on the agenda? Uh, well, we've got a scavenger hunt.

Oh, yeah, they always love that.

Hi! Edna Zelinka from Akron, Ohio. Remember?

Say something in Polish.

I don't know Polish. I'm not Polish.

Who are you kidding? I gotta run.

That Bertha, she's making a fool of herself over Simon Says.

She has so much energy.

Simon says, "Pick your left foot up."

Bend over. Bertha!

Simon didn't say, "Bend over."

Oh, you're not listening. Bertha...

The older ones are kind of like children in a way, you know?

These cruises, they're their whole lives.

They take as many as five and six a year.

Whatever their pocketbooks can afford.

Well, they seem to like you guys.

Well... You're doing a good job.

Keep up the good work. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Put your right foot down. CROWD: It is down.

MAN: You said right. STARSKY: No, I said left.

You said right, boy.

No, I said left. You said right!

[CROWD YELLING]

You're doing a good job, Starsk. Real good job.

Okay. All right. We'll start again. WOMAN: No, you were cheating.

No, I'm not cheating. Simon says...

Hey, come on back, folks. We just began.

Okay. More fun in a couple of minutes!

Do I have to wait that long?

Uh...

What? Would you excuse us?

We have a couple of things we'd like to go over.

So do I. Yeah, I know.

[WHISTLES]

I was talking to her. Yeah.

What did you do that for? Did you have to mess up my action?

Starsky, will you relax? Relax?

You already got Old Lady Lezinka. What more do you want?

It's not Lezinka. It's Kazi... It's Ka... Will you forget it?

How about we talk about some business?

Yeah? Like what?

Like getting down to Patsy Cairo's stateroom before this ship hits Acapulco.

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, well, I just saw his family and him up there on the deck taking some sun.

I think the timing's right.

Let me ask you something. What?

How do you propose to do that without getting caught?

You're forgetting it's time for the scavenger hunt.

Whistle.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

All right, get your lists free.

They're real hot, they're real ready, right off the press.

One apiece. Come on, now. Take it easy.

Read it carefully. We got everything put away where you're never gonna find it.

Folks, has everyone got one? Okay. Get the list.

All right, now. The one who comes back first

with all the things on the list wins a trophy suitable for burning.

HUTCH: Keep moving. Keep moving. All right.

All right, are you ready? CROWD: Yeah!

Get set.

What a motley group!

Are you ready? CROWD: Yeah!

Get set.

Go!

Well, here we go. Give me one. Yeah. Happy hunting, kimosabe.

Watch out for the masked men.

"Parker Hose rolls"?

House. House.

Hey. Where is she? Where's Kitty?

Oh, boy, you got a problem.

You're looking at the wrong guy. Yeah, where am I supposed to look?

Try a mirror.

If you can't help me, I know somebody who can.

Yeah, and who's that? Your partner.

Excuse me. Huh?

Are my two minutes up yet?

Bertha, I found the hot-water bottle!

Now all we need is the beach ball and the cane

and the two Parker House rolls! Got it.

Kitty.

TAKAHASHl: Let's see.

[]

Uh, you wouldn't have a goatskin rug in there, maybe?

A nectarine? Assorted toffees?

Some support hose?

Are you kidding? Get out of here.

What do you think, Marty?

I think we gotta make a move.

We have to get into the captain's office.

There's gonna be something there, I know it, that'll tell us

why those two turkeys are on board.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you. Thank you.

Keep it up.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Atwater Shipping Lines takes great pleasure

and great pride in presenting me.

[RIMSHOT PLAYS]

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

This is our wonderful drummer.

Today, his wife had a wonderful baby boy.

Would the father please stand up and take a bow?

[LAUGHTER LOUDENS]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the band.

Now, I know you're all looking forward with great pleasure and anticipation

to the wonderful amateur hour that we are featuring tonight, but first,

I think a couple of very important announcements are in order.

Most important, tonight, celebrating 12 years of wedded bliss.

Congratulations to Mr. And Mrs. Waldo Pitkin.

[DRUM ROLLS]

Twelve out of 35. That ain't bad.

And speaking of drunks. Why not?

The other day I saw a drunk put a dime in a parking meter. He said:

"What do you know? I weigh an hour."

Sit on it!

Thank you.

Yes? Well, I just happened to notice, sir,

Mr. And Mrs. Clark from stateroom B were not at their table for the show tonight.

Indeed? Yeah.

Well, you're not working on commission, are you? Fortunately.

However, since you're so interested, I see the occupants of staterooms C, D, E and F

are also not in attendance. Uh-huh.

Seems your theatrical activity is not greatly appreciated.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. STARSKY: Thank you.

Sounds good, didn't it?

Mr. Simon is here. Thank you, Mr. Jensen.

Oh, oh, by the way, you're not gonna forget to take care of that little matter for me?

Oh, no, sir. Right away. It's as good as done.

Thank you.

Well, Marty, it's about time.

I'm sorry. Forgive me. I had to take care of something.

All right, let's get the meeting started.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, for your listening pleasure,

Artie Frennel and his Frantic Five Minus Four.

Take it away, boys.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

You gotta tell me. You were terrific.

Well, except for that parking meter joke. Where'd you get that one?

Got it from you.

Listen, listen. Patsy Cairo's still in his stateroom.

Oh, boy. We gotta get a look in there before we land tomorrow.

Well, that's the idea. I got it.

His lady is gung ho on show business.

Now, what say that I drag her up here and get her to do a thing in the amateur contest?

Maybe she'll drag Cairo and the rest of them up here to watch her do it.

That's a good idea. Thank you.

What? What's her number? Hm?

What does she do? What's her act?

"Green Sleeves" on the zither. Terrific.

Maybe she'd like us to stand closer together.

Showtime, huh? Oh, showtime.

Look, you hold the fort. I'll try and get Cairo and crew

out of the stateroom. All right.

[CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, boys. That was truly fair.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to introduce to you a man who was outstanding in Chicago,

outstanding in Boston, outstanding in Philadelphia.

And now he's out standing in the washroom.

[LAUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the incomparable, the absolutely indomitable

Zack Shecky. Let's hear it for him.

"Zack Shecky"? Yeah, it sounds bigtime.

Here's the list. Thank you.

Knock them dead. Right.

Thank you...

Thank you, Hack Tuppleman.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, something that we've all been waiting for.

The Amapola's own star-studded amateur contest.

And, uh...

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Here's our first contestant.

Mr. Clint Tahakashiki.

Takahashi! Takahashi.

From Houston, Texas.

Weighing in at 192 pounds, in his double-knit corrective slacks.

Mr. Tahakashiki... Takahashi.

Takahashi will sing his rendition of...

"My Wild Irish Rose"?

Mr. Tahakashiki. Takahashi.

I can't take it.

Where'd your partner go? He went to meet Kitty, didn't he?

Oh, no, no, no. You got it all wrong.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

There's the man, right over there.

He's the one who went to see your girlfriend.

[TAKAHASHI SINGING "MY WILD IRISH ROSE"]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Mr. Jensen, what on earth do you think you are doing here?

You better have an explanation.

There's only one, captain.

[GUN SHOOTS]

Our next contestant, Miss Bertha Zelinka,

with Tops in Taps!

Bertha. Your public's waiting, Bertha. BERTHA: Coming, Mom.

Go, darling, go.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

I taught her everything she knows.

[HUMMING]

Mrs. Clark?

Mrs. Clark, it's magic time at the amateur hour.

We're waiting to hear you belt out "Green Sleeves."

Mrs. Clark?

[WHISTLING "POPEYE THE SAILORMAN" THEME]

[]

He's not a man we can dismiss lightly.

[MUFFLED VOICES]

If we hold together, and firm, we'll have the upper hand.

If we don't, believe me, he'll chew us to pieces.

Maybe... maybe Gus is right. Maybe...

he has to be taken care of. No.

[GROANS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GROANS]

Are you all right?

You don't look very well.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just fine.

What happened to you?

Yes. Indeed.

On my way to my quarters to clean up.

Just had a revolting encounter

with an absolutely berserk passenger named Harvey Schwab.

He accused me of chasing his girlfriend.

[CHUCKLING]

Have you been drinking again? Huh? What?

You sure you're all right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

How about you? You gonna be okay, Stafford?

Never felt better.

Mr. Stafford.

Mr. Stafford.

- Ever-popular Bob White.

We go to the North woods and the famous Canadian Snow Goose,

pining for his lost mate.

[IMITATES GOOSE HONKS]

Here's your bird, babe.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

HUBERT: Nature knows no titters.

Hey, what happened to you? I got ambushed.

Ambushed? Well, look, you want to sit down?

No, no, I'm okay. What happened with Cairo?

He wasn't in the stateroom. Look, I think we've stumbled onto something

a lot bigger than a dope deal. What are you talking about?

How about every syndicate leader on the West Coast.

What? Yeah. You want a list?

Jack Patches, Gus Traynor, Long Oscar Nash, Marty Simon.

Marty Simon? We busted him a couple of years ago.

And if he spots us, our cover's blown.

Look, I think we'd better call the mainland, whether the captain likes it or not.

I think you're right. Hold on a second.

Go ahead.

Can it, turkey.

Wasn't that sensational, folks?

Well, folks, we're coming down to the final contestants.

So let's have a nice, warm Amapola welcome

for our next star of tomorrow, or the day after that.

Performing some gems from your favourite operas,

Mrs. Edna Zelinka from Columbus, Ohio.

It's Akron. My teacher would never forgive me.

And I don't need this.

All right, boys.

Begin.

[BAND PLAYS BIZET'S "HABANERA"]

[SINGING]

See, I learned that fill at school.

This was the Fred Astaire School.

[SINGING]

Something's wrong. You got a headache?

Well, of course something's wrong. We've got two murders,

[SHIP HORN BLOWS]

We're hanging on to our cover by a shoestring,

we've got the biggest meeting of the syndicates since Appalachia, and you say something's wrong.

It's more than that. I mean, you don't kill a couple of times to cover up a meeting

that's gonna result in a couple of misdemeanour convictions.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] [KNOCKING]

STARSKY: Captain?

Captain LaRue?

HUTCH: Captain?

Will you look at this?

Captain?

Not in there.

Somebody was looking for something.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Starsk.

Special orders issued us by the commodore.

I got blood.

There's more here.

[]

[]

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