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1
00:00:01,567 --> 00:00:02,967
Okay.
2
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,472
I know you guys have to do
a security sweep
3
00:00:05,390 --> 00:00:07,324
before the president
gets here,
4
00:00:07,269 --> 00:00:09,004
but I'm a law-abiding citizen,
5
00:00:08,958 --> 00:00:10,759
who is single, patriotic,
6
00:00:10,774 --> 00:00:13,910
and willing to move
to Washington.
7
00:00:13,801 --> 00:00:15,835
I can't believe the president
of the United States
8
00:00:15,776 --> 00:00:16,743
is coming here!
9
00:00:16,731 --> 00:00:17,799
I am so excited!
10
00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:18,917
Hey, hey, relax.
11
00:00:18,899 --> 00:00:21,199
It's not like
he's a backstreet boy.
12
00:00:21,128 --> 00:00:22,896
I am a campaign manager.
13
00:00:22,849 --> 00:00:24,784
To me,
he is a backstreet boy.
14
00:00:24,729 --> 00:00:28,165
Okay, then he's...
he's Howie d.
15
00:00:29,508 --> 00:00:33,110
My niece... big fan.
16
00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:34,247
Mike, you don't have a niece.
17
00:00:34,222 --> 00:00:37,524
Let's just drop it, okay?
18
00:00:37,408 --> 00:00:39,310
By the way, you're welcome.
19
00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:40,823
What for?
20
00:00:40,785 --> 00:00:42,152
How do you think
it came to pass
21
00:00:42,124 --> 00:00:44,459
that you'll be accompanying
the mayor to meet the president?
22
00:00:44,386 --> 00:00:47,622
He's coming to endorse
the mayor's campaign,
23
00:00:47,508 --> 00:00:48,708
which I'm running.
24
00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:51,152
Plus, I invited him
and made all the arrangements.
25
00:00:51,076 --> 00:00:53,210
Oh, the things
people tell themselves.
26
00:00:53,147 --> 00:00:54,914
No, I graciously
stepped aside,
27
00:00:54,866 --> 00:00:57,669
'cause I knew how important
this was to you.
28
00:00:57,575 --> 00:00:59,776
Thank you, Mike.
That is very nice of you.
29
00:00:59,709 --> 00:01:01,577
That's the kind of guy I am.
30
00:01:01,525 --> 00:01:03,058
So, how many world leaders
31
00:01:03,022 --> 00:01:05,524
has your boyfriend
introduced you to?
32
00:01:05,444 --> 00:01:08,380
Mike, you know
he's a commercial director.
33
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,514
If you play your cards right,
34
00:01:09,490 --> 00:01:11,257
he might introduce you
to those guys
35
00:01:11,306 --> 00:01:13,707
who go, "whassup!"
36
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,268
Stuart, you know he's been
standing like that all day?
37
00:01:42,177 --> 00:01:44,412
Of course he has.
He's not allowed to move.
38
00:01:44,344 --> 00:01:46,712
No matter what you do,
he'll just stand like a statue.
39
00:01:46,670 --> 00:01:48,304
Really?
40
00:01:48,262 --> 00:01:51,064
Watch this.
41
00:01:51,034 --> 00:01:55,538
Excuse me, do you mind
if I flick your ear?
42
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:57,268
No? Okay.
43
00:01:57,215 --> 00:02:00,851
Flick.
44
00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:02,953
Flick, flick, flick.
45
00:02:02,885 --> 00:02:04,686
You want some more?
46
00:02:04,638 --> 00:02:06,639
Flick, flick, fli...
aaah!
47
00:02:06,581 --> 00:02:09,549
Wait. I was thinking of
the guards at Buckingham Palace.
48
00:02:09,449 --> 00:02:10,782
These guys will kill you.
49
00:02:10,754 --> 00:02:13,057
For the love of God,
let me keep the finger!
50
00:02:12,985 --> 00:02:13,952
Agent Duncan?
51
00:02:13,941 --> 00:02:15,441
Don't flick his ears.
52
00:02:15,406 --> 00:02:19,076
Here's the list of nonessential
personnel you requested.
53
00:02:18,942 --> 00:02:20,643
Nonessential personnel?
54
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:21,766
For security reasons,
55
00:02:21,746 --> 00:02:24,248
all extraneous staff
must vacate the premises
56
00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:26,736
five hours prior
to the president's arrival.
57
00:02:26,652 --> 00:02:29,420
I was afraid
this was gonna happen.
58
00:02:29,328 --> 00:02:31,297
Just because
you're on this list
59
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,341
doesn't mean
you're not important
60
00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:34,779
in your own little way.
61
00:02:34,744 --> 00:02:36,978
You're on here.
62
00:02:36,910 --> 00:02:38,078
What?!
63
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,726
I've been geek-listed?!
64
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,807
If it makes you
feel any better,
65
00:02:42,741 --> 00:02:44,809
you're
on the v.I.P. Geek list.
66
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:45,748
Oh-ho! Losers.
67
00:02:47,551 --> 00:02:48,618
I'm sorry, Mike,
68
00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:51,139
but Caitlin can't come
to meet the president.
69
00:02:51,056 --> 00:02:52,556
Sir, I-I promised her.
70
00:02:52,522 --> 00:02:53,788
You should have seen her.
71
00:02:53,797 --> 00:02:55,397
She was as excited
72
00:02:55,357 --> 00:02:58,460
as a fan in the front row
of a backstreet boys concert.
73
00:02:59,785 --> 00:03:02,186
I took my niece.
74
00:03:02,111 --> 00:03:04,846
The secret service said that
I could only bring one person
75
00:03:04,756 --> 00:03:06,956
to my meeting with
the president, and look at me!
76
00:03:06,889 --> 00:03:08,124
I'm a wreck, Mike.
77
00:03:08,070 --> 00:03:09,903
You're the only one
that can calm me down.
78
00:03:09,853 --> 00:03:12,488
I just don't get it, sir.
You've met a president before.
79
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:15,003
It was bush!
That doesn't count!
80
00:03:16,862 --> 00:03:18,028
Here we go.
81
00:03:18,008 --> 00:03:21,111
Ohh. His endorsement
is critical.
82
00:03:21,003 --> 00:03:24,039
What if
I say the wrong thing?
83
00:03:23,934 --> 00:03:25,868
What if I slap him?
84
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:30,434
W... why... why...
85
00:03:30,370 --> 00:03:34,807
why would you slap...
The president?
86
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,007
I don't know.
87
00:03:35,977 --> 00:03:38,479
You tell yourself,
"don't slap the president,
88
00:03:38,399 --> 00:03:39,899
don't slap the president."
89
00:03:39,864 --> 00:03:41,231
The next thing you know,
90
00:03:41,202 --> 00:03:43,570
you're backhanding him
like a mouthy caddie.
91
00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:46,324
Uh, Caitlin...
92
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,067
Listen, um...
93
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:51,556
Apparently, there's been
a little change of plans,
94
00:03:51,428 --> 00:03:54,964
and you won't be going
with the mayor tonight...
95
00:03:54,838 --> 00:03:56,739
When he meets the president.
96
00:03:56,685 --> 00:03:58,486
Sorry.
97
00:03:58,438 --> 00:03:59,605
I can't believe it.
98
00:03:59,584 --> 00:04:01,952
So the mayor's
gonna meet with him alone?
99
00:04:01,879 --> 00:04:05,248
Well, there is one person.
100
00:04:05,128 --> 00:04:05,894
Who?
101
00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:09,193
[YAWNING] Me.
102
00:04:11,308 --> 00:04:12,676
What are you doing?
103
00:04:12,647 --> 00:04:14,148
Oh, I just figured
104
00:04:14,113 --> 00:04:17,715
it might... Soften the blow
a little bit...
105
00:04:17,584 --> 00:04:19,853
If I yawned when I said that.
106
00:04:19,783 --> 00:04:21,284
You jerk!
107
00:04:21,249 --> 00:04:25,352
See? If you yawn
when you say that...
108
00:04:30,488 --> 00:04:32,556
Well, I didn't get
to meet the president tonight,
109
00:04:32,495 --> 00:04:34,730
but it's worth it, because
I get to hang out in a bar
110
00:04:34,661 --> 00:04:37,563
where all I have to do
for a good time
111
00:04:37,464 --> 00:04:40,399
is call the love machine
at 555-0194.
112
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,068
Hey, that's our number.
113
00:04:42,021 --> 00:04:44,623
I was drunk.
I did it on a whim.
114
00:04:44,538 --> 00:04:46,171
It's right here, too.
115
00:04:46,130 --> 00:04:48,565
I wasn't having
much response
116
00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:49,922
with that one.
117
00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:53,159
Caitlin, come on.
Let's get us some drinks.
118
00:04:53,014 --> 00:04:55,080
Hey, blondie, nice dress.
119
00:04:55,019 --> 00:04:58,521
It would look better
on my bedroom floor.
120
00:04:58,396 --> 00:04:59,763
Oh, please.
121
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:02,201
Do you honestly believe
any woman in her right mind
122
00:05:02,123 --> 00:05:04,224
would fall for a pathetic line
like that?
123
00:05:04,162 --> 00:05:05,329
Get out of here!
124
00:05:07,253 --> 00:05:10,389
Carter!
He liked my dress.
125
00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:13,148
You know,
if I were straight,
126
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,652
I could clean up
in this place.
127
00:05:15,568 --> 00:05:16,568
You?
128
00:05:16,555 --> 00:05:17,755
Oh, yeah.
129
00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:21,471
Before I came out,
I was quite the lady killer.
130
00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:24,937
Eighth grade was very good
to Carter Heywood.
131
00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,241
I had a moped.
132
00:05:26,209 --> 00:05:27,675
Well, things have changed.
133
00:05:27,642 --> 00:05:28,743
Not for me.
134
00:05:28,725 --> 00:05:31,194
I don't have any hang-ups
talking to women,
135
00:05:31,115 --> 00:05:33,683
'cause I don't want
to sleep with 'em.
136
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,270
I can just be free to be me,
to be sexy, to improv.
137
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:39,938
Nikki, Nikki,
sweet, beautiful Nikki.
138
00:05:39,844 --> 00:05:42,980
Gorgeous green eyes,
smooth, smooth hair.
139
00:05:42,871 --> 00:05:44,638
Eechh! What are you doing?
140
00:05:44,592 --> 00:05:45,992
I'm improv-ing.
141
00:05:45,962 --> 00:05:50,232
You want to get on the back
of my moped, don't you?
142
00:05:50,071 --> 00:05:51,471
Why don't you just admit
143
00:05:51,441 --> 00:05:54,343
this is the one subject
you are not an expert on?
144
00:05:54,245 --> 00:05:57,547
I mean, I could do better
with the women in here than you.
145
00:05:57,431 --> 00:05:59,365
Well, if you're so sure
of yourself,
146
00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:01,011
what say
we make it more interesting?
147
00:06:00,967 --> 00:06:01,934
5 bucks?
148
00:06:01,922 --> 00:06:03,256
You're on.
149
00:06:03,228 --> 00:06:05,563
So the first person
to pick up a woman
150
00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:07,158
and have sex with her wins.
151
00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:09,183
Carter, can't we just
get her number?
152
00:06:09,123 --> 00:06:10,290
That would make it
less icky.
153
00:06:16,450 --> 00:06:18,651
James, I have a project.
154
00:06:18,585 --> 00:06:21,721
Some people
trade baseball cards.
155
00:06:21,611 --> 00:06:24,646
Other people
collect matchbooks.
156
00:06:24,543 --> 00:06:26,877
I have one real passion.
157
00:06:26,805 --> 00:06:29,973
Paul, I've seen your collection
of Denny's menus.
158
00:06:29,863 --> 00:06:32,097
Two real passions.
159
00:06:32,028 --> 00:06:35,865
In here are pictures of me
with every living president
160
00:06:35,725 --> 00:06:37,459
except for the current one.
161
00:06:37,414 --> 00:06:39,081
That's where you come in.
162
00:06:39,038 --> 00:06:42,041
You're still on the list
of essential personnel, right?
163
00:06:41,937 --> 00:06:43,437
Well, sure.
Aren't you?
164
00:06:43,402 --> 00:06:44,970
I took a pass.
165
00:06:44,932 --> 00:06:49,903
James, I want you
to be my official photographer.
166
00:06:49,711 --> 00:06:51,979
Wow! Are you serious?!
167
00:06:51,909 --> 00:06:54,911
As serious
as a grand slam breakfast.
168
00:06:54,808 --> 00:06:56,842
I'm honored, but why me?
169
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,852
You still have that camera
that your grandmother left you?
170
00:06:58,791 --> 00:07:00,158
Yeah.
171
00:07:00,129 --> 00:07:03,064
Because you're the best!
172
00:07:04,493 --> 00:07:08,630
Here, Caitlin,
I bought you another drink.
173
00:07:08,476 --> 00:07:11,243
These things
don't taste like anything.
174
00:07:11,152 --> 00:07:12,218
What's in 'em?
175
00:07:12,203 --> 00:07:14,170
Mostly fruit juice and soda.
176
00:07:14,115 --> 00:07:15,182
No, no!
177
00:07:15,166 --> 00:07:17,901
Not near the open flame.
178
00:07:17,811 --> 00:07:20,545
Stuart, you realize
no matter how drunk you get me,
179
00:07:20,455 --> 00:07:23,056
my bra is not gonna end up
on that moose head.
180
00:07:22,971 --> 00:07:24,105
I don't care.
181
00:07:24,087 --> 00:07:25,687
What concerns me more
182
00:07:25,648 --> 00:07:28,816
is what you having your bra on
represents.
183
00:07:28,706 --> 00:07:31,140
Support?
184
00:07:31,063 --> 00:07:32,930
Constraint...
185
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,414
Restriction.
186
00:07:34,377 --> 00:07:38,681
As if your whole being is
being held in by elastic bands
187
00:07:38,519 --> 00:07:41,220
and repressive
synthetic fibers.
188
00:07:41,131 --> 00:07:43,032
Actually, it's red lace.
189
00:07:42,979 --> 00:07:44,113
Is it really?
190
00:07:45,847 --> 00:07:50,050
Well, what I'm more concerned
about are your panties,
191
00:07:49,892 --> 00:07:53,395
which must be made
of polyester or... What?
192
00:07:53,270 --> 00:07:54,804
Drop it, Stuart.
193
00:07:54,767 --> 00:07:57,402
You gotta relax for a change.
You're too uptight.
194
00:07:57,315 --> 00:07:58,816
You're out with some friends,
195
00:07:58,781 --> 00:08:00,515
the president
is not gonna show up.
196
00:08:00,469 --> 00:08:01,703
Just cut loose.
197
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,582
You know what?
You're right.
198
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,551
[SIGHS]
199
00:08:12,512 --> 00:08:17,183
Now... You are gonna see
how a real man handles women.
200
00:08:17,004 --> 00:08:19,205
Huh.
201
00:08:19,138 --> 00:08:22,474
Just one more sip
of my daiquiri.
202
00:08:22,356 --> 00:08:24,891
[CLEARS THROAT]
203
00:08:24,810 --> 00:08:28,145
You know, your hair
looks like Audrey hepburn's
204
00:08:28,028 --> 00:08:30,129
in "breakfast at Tiffany's."
205
00:08:30,066 --> 00:08:31,199
Excuse me?
206
00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:32,915
Carter Heywood.
207
00:08:32,869 --> 00:08:34,270
Carol swain.
208
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,276
Carol... Like coffee caramel.
209
00:08:37,171 --> 00:08:41,141
Sweet, soft, Christmas Carol.
210
00:08:40,994 --> 00:08:42,294
What?
211
00:08:42,268 --> 00:08:44,704
I have a moped.
212
00:08:50,010 --> 00:08:52,278
I can really get the president
with this.
213
00:08:52,208 --> 00:08:54,142
Now, you say
she's an automatic?
214
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:56,623
Rapid-fire, 36 shots,
then you got to reload.
215
00:08:56,541 --> 00:08:57,741
Perfect.
216
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,055
Now, remember,
when you shoot the president,
217
00:09:00,938 --> 00:09:03,606
you aim at his head
and you just keep firing.
218
00:09:03,519 --> 00:09:04,986
Don't jerk, just squeeze.
219
00:09:04,952 --> 00:09:05,985
Bang! Bang! Bang!
220
00:09:05,972 --> 00:09:07,372
What's going on here?
221
00:09:07,341 --> 00:09:08,341
Nothing!
222
00:09:08,328 --> 00:09:10,296
Are you essential personnel?
223
00:09:13,108 --> 00:09:15,542
Could you remove your hand
from your wrist?
224
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:19,034
Sugar.
225
00:09:23,079 --> 00:09:24,813
Take care, Paul.
226
00:09:26,488 --> 00:09:29,791
So, I've been noticing you.
227
00:09:29,675 --> 00:09:33,410
And I've been noticing you
noticing me noticing you.
228
00:09:33,274 --> 00:09:34,541
Yeah.
229
00:09:34,517 --> 00:09:37,686
What were you checking out
exactly, my body?
230
00:09:37,639 --> 00:09:40,074
'Cause I couldn't help
but notice
231
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,931
that yours is pretty hard.
232
00:09:41,876 --> 00:09:45,078
Our mothers
play bridge together.
233
00:09:44,966 --> 00:09:46,701
What?
234
00:09:46,625 --> 00:09:49,859
I'm Janine stalfort
from westport.
235
00:09:49,745 --> 00:09:53,381
Nikki, we went
to junior high together!
236
00:09:53,249 --> 00:09:54,917
Oh, my God.
237
00:09:54,875 --> 00:09:56,708
MAN: Oww!
238
00:09:58,570 --> 00:09:59,536
My bad.
239
00:09:59,526 --> 00:10:01,093
Okay, that one
240
00:10:01,056 --> 00:10:04,391
was a little close
to his neck.
241
00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:07,775
Stuart, I am having
so much fun!
242
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,685
Where'd you get the wallet?
243
00:10:09,625 --> 00:10:10,925
Oh, I found it.
244
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:11,933
Where?
245
00:10:11,919 --> 00:10:13,787
In that guy's jacket.
246
00:10:13,736 --> 00:10:15,837
Okay, I'm cutting you off.
247
00:10:17,877 --> 00:10:19,978
Oh, just like Mike.
248
00:10:19,915 --> 00:10:21,116
What do you mean?
249
00:10:21,094 --> 00:10:23,862
He cut me off...
From the president.
250
00:10:23,770 --> 00:10:27,707
I had the meeting all set up,
and he just cut me off.
251
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:30,430
And now,
he's making the bar spin.
252
00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:32,501
I think you have the wrong idea
about Mike.
253
00:10:32,436 --> 00:10:34,638
No, Mike is bad.
254
00:10:34,571 --> 00:10:36,539
He's b-b-bad.
255
00:10:36,452 --> 00:10:38,219
Caitlin,
the mayor made the switch.
256
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:41,206
Mike did everything he could
to talk him out of it.
257
00:10:41,102 --> 00:10:42,368
He did?
258
00:10:42,345 --> 00:10:45,581
Ooh, he's so good.
259
00:10:45,467 --> 00:10:47,835
Oh, oh, oh.
Where is Mike?
260
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:48,827
I miss him.
261
00:10:48,812 --> 00:10:51,848
You know...
I'm gonna call him.
262
00:10:59,197 --> 00:11:01,065
Oh! Oh!
263
00:11:01,013 --> 00:11:02,248
Caitlin!
264
00:11:02,225 --> 00:11:04,293
[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]
265
00:11:04,232 --> 00:11:05,365
That's me.
266
00:11:05,346 --> 00:11:07,213
Mike Flaherty.
267
00:11:07,162 --> 00:11:08,763
Mike, it's Caitlin.
268
00:11:08,723 --> 00:11:10,257
Now, listen to me.
269
00:11:10,221 --> 00:11:14,090
I want to see you.
I want to see you right now.
270
00:11:13,948 --> 00:11:18,852
Uh, I'm kinda busy right now.
271
00:11:18,663 --> 00:11:21,498
Mike, I-I need to see you.
272
00:11:21,403 --> 00:11:24,072
You're good.
I'm bad.
273
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:28,921
I'm very... Very bad.
274
00:11:32,713 --> 00:11:34,580
All right, listen,
uh...[CLEARS THROAT]
275
00:11:34,529 --> 00:11:37,965
Just stay where you are
and... and stay bad.
276
00:11:37,842 --> 00:11:39,476
Stay very, very bad.
277
00:11:39,435 --> 00:11:40,836
I gotta go.
278
00:11:40,806 --> 00:11:43,508
But the president will be here
in an hour!
279
00:11:43,418 --> 00:11:47,388
[YAWNING]
You're on your own.
280
00:11:58,359 --> 00:11:59,326
Hi.
281
00:11:59,315 --> 00:12:00,349
Where to?
282
00:12:00,336 --> 00:12:02,470
Caitlin, where are you?
283
00:12:02,406 --> 00:12:04,107
You're at a bar.
284
00:12:04,062 --> 00:12:05,496
Okay. What bar?
285
00:12:05,464 --> 00:12:07,499
She doesn't know
the name of it,
286
00:12:07,439 --> 00:12:09,941
but it's between
a Starbucks and a gap.
287
00:12:09,861 --> 00:12:11,161
Right.
288
00:12:11,134 --> 00:12:13,269
All right, I'm on my way.
289
00:12:13,206 --> 00:12:16,308
Uh-huh.
290
00:12:16,201 --> 00:12:18,802
You're here.
291
00:12:18,718 --> 00:12:22,855
Could you be
a little more specific?
292
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,534
Oh, sure.
It's right around the...
293
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,948
only one way
to get that out.
294
00:12:33,659 --> 00:12:35,059
Agent Duncan...
295
00:12:35,030 --> 00:12:37,097
Why do you think
they call it "house arrest"?
296
00:12:37,036 --> 00:12:38,337
We're not in a house.
297
00:12:38,310 --> 00:12:40,345
Would you really take a bullet
for the president?
298
00:12:40,255 --> 00:12:42,589
I can't answer
any questions.
299
00:12:42,516 --> 00:12:44,283
Why not?
Is it a rule?
300
00:12:44,236 --> 00:12:45,203
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
301
00:12:45,192 --> 00:12:46,660
Can I get that?
302
00:12:46,626 --> 00:12:48,995
Please.
303
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,121
Hello?
304
00:12:52,010 --> 00:12:54,445
James, where are you?
305
00:12:59,688 --> 00:13:02,023
How are things
on the outside?
306
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,484
Pretty much the same
as they were a half-hour ago.
307
00:13:04,402 --> 00:13:05,603
How's my wife?
308
00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:07,517
Good. I think
she's still at the movie.
309
00:13:07,462 --> 00:13:08,762
I brought you a snack cake,
310
00:13:08,736 --> 00:13:10,970
but they wouldn't let me
bring it in to you.
311
00:13:10,903 --> 00:13:13,704
Smear it on the window.
312
00:13:14,343 --> 00:13:15,743
Smear it on the window.
313
00:13:21,511 --> 00:13:23,012
Oh, yeah.
314
00:13:22,977 --> 00:13:24,610
Oh, yeah.
315
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:25,803
Paul?
316
00:13:25,781 --> 00:13:29,450
Oh, that's the stuff.
Oh, yeah.
317
00:13:29,316 --> 00:13:30,683
Paul!
318
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,087
Listen, I'm really sorry
319
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:36,499
we're not gonna get that picture
with the president.
320
00:13:36,421 --> 00:13:37,989
The hell we're not.
321
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:40,252
The secret-service man said
if we go near the president,
322
00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:41,147
they could kill us!
323
00:13:41,136 --> 00:13:43,704
Oh, oh, the secret-service man's
gonna kill me.
324
00:13:43,621 --> 00:13:45,421
Oh, I don't wanna die
so young.
325
00:13:45,373 --> 00:13:47,708
My whole family's
gonna be devastated.
326
00:13:47,635 --> 00:13:49,335
All right, all right!
I'm in!
327
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:54,125
So, was she in there?
328
00:13:54,008 --> 00:13:55,074
Yeah. Yeah.
329
00:13:55,059 --> 00:13:56,392
I came back out
330
00:13:56,364 --> 00:14:00,168
'cause, you know,
I'd just rather be with you.
331
00:14:00,029 --> 00:14:02,497
You know, if you want
to know the truth, man,
332
00:14:02,418 --> 00:14:04,319
I think
it's pretty sleazy of you
333
00:14:04,265 --> 00:14:06,333
to try to score
with a drunk woman.
334
00:14:06,273 --> 00:14:08,941
You don't get it.
335
00:14:08,853 --> 00:14:10,087
See, the thing is,
336
00:14:10,064 --> 00:14:13,100
I find her, and I tell her,
"we can't do this,"
337
00:14:12,995 --> 00:14:15,130
because she is
in no condition,
338
00:14:15,066 --> 00:14:17,300
and it just wouldn't
be right.
339
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,300
And then, the next day,
340
00:14:19,239 --> 00:14:22,408
she remembers
how sensitive I was,
341
00:14:22,298 --> 00:14:23,966
and boom! I'm in.
342
00:14:23,923 --> 00:14:26,257
Isn't that
just taking advantage of her
343
00:14:26,185 --> 00:14:27,385
in a different way?
344
00:14:27,364 --> 00:14:29,498
What's with
all the leading questions?
345
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:31,769
What is this,
like "taxicab confessions"?
346
00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:34,531
Uh... No.
347
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:39,673
Oh, man.
348
00:14:39,566 --> 00:14:42,635
I'll tell you, they say
that passing a kidney stone
349
00:14:42,528 --> 00:14:44,963
is the male equivalent
of giving birth.
350
00:14:44,886 --> 00:14:47,188
Well, that night,
I had triplets!
351
00:14:47,116 --> 00:14:50,551
[SNORING]
352
00:14:50,429 --> 00:14:51,796
Agent Duncan?
353
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,935
[SNORING CONTINUES]
354
00:14:53,871 --> 00:14:55,671
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Agent Duncan?
355
00:14:55,623 --> 00:14:56,690
Yeah!
356
00:14:56,674 --> 00:14:58,709
A-and then...
357
00:14:58,649 --> 00:15:01,584
The process of filling out
the insurance forms...
358
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:02,351
oh, my gosh,
359
00:15:02,344 --> 00:15:03,945
is that tedious
360
00:15:03,906 --> 00:15:07,308
with the everything
in triplicate.
361
00:15:07,186 --> 00:15:10,623
[SNORING]
362
00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:17,060
Well, here's my number.
363
00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:17,801
Oh!
364
00:15:17,796 --> 00:15:20,331
O-o-okay.
Thank you.
365
00:15:20,249 --> 00:15:22,117
Thank you so much.
366
00:15:22,065 --> 00:15:23,031
Wait, wait, wait.
367
00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:25,022
Where do you think
you're going?
368
00:15:24,964 --> 00:15:29,301
Uh, listen, Carol,
I got to come clean.
369
00:15:29,138 --> 00:15:30,371
I'm gay.
370
00:15:30,348 --> 00:15:32,716
Oh, please,
I've heard that before.
371
00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:36,145
Guys see the prison tattoo,
and suddenly they're gay.
372
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,155
Prison tattoo?
373
00:15:38,091 --> 00:15:41,226
He threw that brick
at himself.
374
00:15:41,117 --> 00:15:43,385
I've been waiting
45 minutes.
375
00:15:43,315 --> 00:15:45,283
I don't think Mike's coming.
376
00:15:45,227 --> 00:15:47,728
Yeah, it's getting
pretty late.
377
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,795
Maybe we should put you
in a cab.
378
00:15:52,682 --> 00:15:53,681
Good idea.
379
00:15:53,669 --> 00:15:54,636
You know what?
380
00:15:54,625 --> 00:15:56,626
I am going back to city hall,
381
00:15:56,568 --> 00:15:59,503
and I am giving him
a piece of my mind.
382
00:15:59,404 --> 00:16:00,805
Wow.
383
00:16:00,774 --> 00:16:03,375
That mascara's really
bringing out your forehead.
384
00:16:03,290 --> 00:16:04,758
That's sweet.
385
00:16:04,724 --> 00:16:05,824
You're good, Stuart.
386
00:16:05,807 --> 00:16:10,177
You... Deserve...
A... Reward.
387
00:16:10,013 --> 00:16:11,447
You don't mean...
388
00:16:11,415 --> 00:16:12,915
Not...
389
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:16,015
Aah.
390
00:16:15,906 --> 00:16:18,842
Ohh.
391
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:21,211
Ooohhh!
392
00:16:21,132 --> 00:16:24,968
[ALL CHEERING]
393
00:16:24,828 --> 00:16:27,296
Moose! Moose!
Moose! Moose!
394
00:16:27,217 --> 00:16:29,051
Moose! Moose!
Moose! Moose!
395
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,502
Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose!
Moose! Moose!
396
00:16:31,422 --> 00:16:32,790
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
397
00:16:39,451 --> 00:16:41,185
Big bird's left the nest.
398
00:16:42,637 --> 00:16:44,604
Big bird's left the nest.
399
00:16:45,536 --> 00:16:47,370
Paul, the president's here.
400
00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:53,511
Hey! Hey!
401
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:54,801
I'll take care of this.
402
00:16:54,774 --> 00:16:55,841
Come here!
403
00:16:55,827 --> 00:16:56,793
Wha...
404
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,382
what are you doing?!
405
00:16:58,343 --> 00:16:59,410
Just go with it.
406
00:17:02,294 --> 00:17:05,496
Janelle.
407
00:17:05,383 --> 00:17:09,220
Caitlin, have you been
making out with a clown?
408
00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:10,379
No.
409
00:17:10,353 --> 00:17:13,322
Where's Mike?
410
00:17:13,220 --> 00:17:14,788
He's out looking for you.
411
00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:17,385
Oh, really?
Mike is good.
412
00:17:17,298 --> 00:17:18,832
Is he in there?
413
00:17:18,796 --> 00:17:23,266
No, he's out looking for you.
414
00:17:23,097 --> 00:17:26,165
I'm not wearing a bra.
415
00:17:31,699 --> 00:17:34,301
Sir?
416
00:17:35,427 --> 00:17:36,493
Are you okay?
417
00:17:36,478 --> 00:17:37,478
No, I'm a wreck.
418
00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:39,333
I'm about
to meet the president.
419
00:17:39,282 --> 00:17:40,882
I mean, slap the president.
420
00:17:40,843 --> 00:17:43,044
Damn!
421
00:17:42,977 --> 00:17:45,712
Oh. Oh, sir, calm down.
You will be fine.
422
00:17:45,621 --> 00:17:47,522
Just... just follow my lead.
423
00:17:47,469 --> 00:17:50,304
Sir! The president
of the United States.
424
00:17:54,701 --> 00:17:58,604
I don't feel so good.
425
00:17:58,460 --> 00:18:00,428
[VOMITS]
426
00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:03,541
Damn.
427
00:18:03,431 --> 00:18:05,765
[SLAP]
428
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:08,328
Da-a-a-mn!
429
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:17,527
Mom, for the last time,
I am not gay.
430
00:18:17,385 --> 00:18:21,721
I sleep with men.
I sleep with lots of men.
431
00:18:21,557 --> 00:18:24,260
I'm a slut, for God's sakes.
432
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:27,506
Okay.
433
00:18:27,388 --> 00:18:30,424
Love you, too.
434
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,188
Carol, for the last time,
I'm gay.
435
00:18:33,090 --> 00:18:36,193
No, I don't want
to meet your parents.
436
00:18:36,086 --> 00:18:37,053
[SIGHS]
437
00:18:37,041 --> 00:18:40,010
Okay, one dinner,
but that's it.
438
00:18:41,501 --> 00:18:43,336
I love you, too.
439
00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:50,098
Caitlin, uh, I was driving
around in this cab all night.
440
00:18:49,912 --> 00:18:53,382
I missed you,
and I missed the president,
441
00:18:53,227 --> 00:18:56,428
and I missed,
uh, Paul beating up James.
442
00:18:56,316 --> 00:18:59,318
And, anyway, I'm just...
I'm sorry.
443
00:18:59,216 --> 00:19:01,616
Mike, what are you
talking about?
444
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,776
You called me.
445
00:19:04,663 --> 00:19:07,465
You were bad?
446
00:19:07,371 --> 00:19:11,975
You were very, very bad?
447
00:19:11,799 --> 00:19:14,534
Mike, granted last night
was kind of a blur,
448
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:16,044
but I think you're reading
449
00:19:16,004 --> 00:19:19,074
a lot more into a perfectly
innocent phone call.
450
00:19:18,968 --> 00:19:20,101
[BEE]
451
00:19:20,082 --> 00:19:23,685
CAITLIN:
Mike, you are so hot...
452
00:19:23,556 --> 00:19:25,790
And I am so bad.
453
00:19:25,722 --> 00:19:29,358
And my bra's on a moose.
454
00:19:29,226 --> 00:19:30,828
[BEE]
455
00:19:30,788 --> 00:19:32,188
MIKE: Note to self...
456
00:19:32,157 --> 00:19:35,093
backstreet boys album signin,tower records,
457
00:19:34,993 --> 00:19:36,260
bring sleeping bag.
458
00:19:36,236 --> 00:19:39,004
[BEEP, BEEP, BEEP]
459
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,846
For my niece!
460
00:19:47,641 --> 00:19:48,641
Stuart.
461
00:19:48,628 --> 00:19:49,928
I want to thank you.
462
00:19:49,903 --> 00:19:52,671
If you hadn't cut me off
at the bar last night,
463
00:19:52,578 --> 00:19:53,978
who knows how much more
464
00:19:53,949 --> 00:19:56,318
I would've thrown up
on the president.
465
00:19:56,243 --> 00:19:57,509
Don't beat yourself up.
466
00:19:57,484 --> 00:19:59,352
So you cut loose.
Nobody got hurt.
467
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:00,568
You surprised me.
468
00:20:00,543 --> 00:20:02,745
You were actually
a real gentleman.
469
00:20:02,678 --> 00:20:05,145
Well, don't let it
get around,
470
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:06,834
but I could be a class act.
471
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:08,822
I really appreciate...
472
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,882
are you...
Wearing my bra?
473
00:20:14,753 --> 00:20:18,222
Until the day I die.
474
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,275
- [MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
- [UBU BARKS]
475
00:21:18,325 --> 00:21:22,875
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