Original subtitles

What's such a big emergency

that you had to call us in at 7:00 a.m.?

I've got an important announcement to make.

Oh, uh, by the way, Nikki,

who was that guy I heard

when I called your place this morning?

Oh, that was, um... Bryant gumbel.

Really?

Did he ever find his boxer shorts?

Sorry we're late, Mike.

You two have an announcement you'd like to make?

I'm not the father.

I let him stay up late last night.

The dog from "Frasier" was on "letterman"!

Uh, I'm afraid I got some bad news.

The mayor's father passed away last night.

Oh, no. Oh.

Mike, couldn't you have soft-pedaled that a little?

James, it's not like you're a kid whose dog died,

and I have to tell you we sent him to puppy camp.

Puppy camp?

That's where my parents sent my...

[SOBBING]

Oh, I heard about the mayor's father.

I'm devastated!

Hey, Paul, he's not here.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay, then.

What angle's he workin'?

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Sir, I was thinking,

maybe you should leave a little early today.

Why would I want to leave early, Mike?

Well, sir, your father did pass away...

And you leave early most days.

Don't worry about me, Mike. I'm fine.

And if you don't mind,

I'd rather not talk about my father.

All right, I understand.

Now, what's on our agenda for today?

Well, this afternoon,

you're reading to a group of first graders.

You know who never read to me... my father.

Sir, uh, if I may...

It just seems like you got a lot of,

you know, pent-up emotions,

and maybe it would be best if you took a little time,

you know, before the wake, this afternoon,

to just get in touch with your feelings.

Mike, really, I'm fine.

Okay.

All right, well, then,

let's pick out a story for these kids.

Oh, I got one.

It's called "the boy whose father was so busy playing golf,

"smoking cigars with his cronies,

that he never taught his kid to ride a bike"!

How about "horton hears a who!"?

Hey, Paul. What's all this?

Oh, my mom sent me some stuff from my old room.

Can't believe it...

like she doesn't want me anymore.

So sad.

Cast out in the world at the tender age of 40.

Apparently, she took in some displaced villager

from the Balkans.

Stupid refugees get all the breaks.

Hey, Paul, nice little-league picture.

You know, traditionally,

the cup is worn on the inside.

[GASPS]

Oh, my gosh!

My magic 8-ball.

I thought I lost this when I was 12.

I've had so many questions.

Carter, there you are.

My mother's coming into town.

She wants to stay in my apartment again.

Do you think I can tell her "no"?

To be honest, Nikki,

I'm a little tired of being the office advice guy.

Every time anybody's got a problem...

"oh, Carter's got the answer. Carter's smart, Carter's wise.

"Carter's so brilliant

it seems like he's from another planet."

Hey, Nik...

Why don't you ask my magic 8-ball?

Okay, fine.

Magic 8-ball, can I tell my mom to go to a hotel?

"It is decidedly so."

Thank you, Paul.

Ooh... Three condoms.

I'm assuming this was a three-pack.

I will have you know it was a five-pack.

What happened to the other two?

Balloon animals.

Give me one of those babies. I'll whip up a giraffe.

Samantha, it's James.

Listen, it feels like you've been avoiding me,

but I want you to know

that I can't stop thinking about you...

you know, the smell of your hair,

the feel of your skin, the way you tremble when I...

oh.

Can you tell her I called?

Thanks.

Caitlin, can I ask your advice about something?

Oh, sure, James. What's up?

I was just wondering why women don't like me.

Oh, James, that's ridiculous.

You're smart. You're funny.

You're gonna grow up to be a real heartbreaker.

I'm 27.

James, trust me.

Women like you. I like you.

You do?

Of course I do. I like you a lot.

Looks like someone

is lookin' for a little James hobert lovin'.

Funerals always make me think.

At some point, we have to stop denying the inevitable

and accept our mortality.

That's very deep, Stuart.

You know, the Buddhists have a philosophy...

whoa! Hot grievin' chick at 10:00.

[SOBBING] Oh! Oh!

I can't believe he's gone!

Why couldn't it have been me?

Take me! Take me!!

Paul, Paul. Paul.

The mayor's not here, Paul.

Aw, sugar, 0 for 2.

James, thanks for paying for the cab,

and holding the door for me,

and of course, for this lovely corsage.

My pleasure.

I'm gonna get us some drinks and be back in a flash.

Excuse me.

Something up front, please, near the casket.

Caitlin, I know

the competition is tough this year,

but, uh, you're definitely a shoo-in for prom queen.

Where's the mayor? Is he okay?

He was a little rough this morning,

but I think he's gonna pull through.

I'm sorry, everybody. I got stuck in traffic.

I guess my dad's not the only late Randall Winston.

Tough crowd.

Jeez, who died?

Well, it's good to see you all here.

I'm glad you all could make it. Dad, don't get up.

Sir, with all due respect, there are reporters here.

What the hell are you doin'?

Mike, you told me to get in touch with my feelings.

Yes, yes, with your feelings,

not Jackie Mason's.

I thought about it, Mike, and the truth is,

I feel a great sense of relief now that he's gone.

I'm happy!

The mayor is obviously putting on a brave face.

So, please take a quick photo,

and then please leave the mayor alone to grieve in private.

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

[SMOOCH]

Your 8-ball was right.

I told my mom she couldn't stay at my apartment.

She was totally fine with it.

At your service, Nikki.

It's nice to finally be respected for my wisdom.

Wisdom?!

You shook a toy!

Nikki, you can't possibly believe

this thing has any power.

It's completely illogical.

Look, Spock...

...it worked for me.

Besides, you're obsessed with horoscopes.

I read horoscopes for a laugh.

Once again, you misinterpret my intentions.

Ha! Just like an aries.

Hey, help me out.

My friend Judy just gave me this hot stock tip,

and I can't decide whether to invest.

People, people, people!

You really want to base important life decisions

on a silly game?

Do we really want to base important life decisions

on a silly game?

"Yes."

Ha!

James, I could've just walked around the puddle.

Oh, please, it's no problem at all.

Hey, Carter, eyes off the prize.

James, I'm gay.

Yeah, let's keep it that way.

James, uh, we need to talk.

I'm afraid you're under the mistaken impression

that we're dating.

The thing is...

no, no, don't even say it.

Oh, man, this is so embarrassing.

You know, I am such a loser, loser, loser!

James, you are taking this the wrong way.

I would love to go out with you.

You would?

Yes, it's just that, well, um...

We work together.

Oh, I understand.

Good.

Hey, sir?

Yes, James?

I quit.

Uh, sir, before we go in there,

I wanted to speak to you

about your inappropriate behavior at your father's wake.

What did I do that was so inappropriate?

You started a conga line.

I'm just sayin', sir,

that the public is gonna expect you

to show a little grief.

Well, I can't show what I don't feel.

Come on, sir, he loved you.

This is the man

who held you in his arms when you were a baby,

who sacrificed so much for your future.

Now he's gone.

They're ready for you, sir.

Hello, kids!

ALL: Hello, Mr. mayor!

Well, to kick off my "reading is fun" program,

I am going to tell you one of my favorite stories...

"the happy bunny."

"One bright spring day,

flippety flop, hippety hop down happy Lane..."

[SOBBING] Oh, daddy!

It's all right, sir. It's all right.

I miss him so much.

I know you do, sir. I know you do.

I said, "a little grief."

Okay, kids, uh, back to the story.

I'm never reading again!

Well, Tommy, Tommy, please, don't blame reading.

The mayor is just sad because... His dad died.

His daddy died?

Why'd he have to die?

[KIDS CRYING]

Oh, kids, kids, kids, it's okay.

Listen... Everybody dies.

They do? They do?

[KIDS CRYING]

There he is. There's my ray of sunshine.

So, you ready to start a fresh new day?

I'm thinking of painting my office black.

Good.

You can have your meetings in a hooded robe with a sickle.

Uh, sir, listen, uh...

How'd you feel if I set up an appointment for you

with my therapist?

Therapy's for the weak, Mike.

I'm gonna gut this one out myself...

a solitary warrior battling in his own private hell.

10:00 is okay?

Yeah, great.

Hey! Mr. mayor, sir!

So, the old man's gone, huh?

Kicked the oxygen habit.

Moved to a pine condo, huh? Up top, baby!

[SOBBING]

Paul... The mayor's sad now.

I cannot catch a break.

My dad was always pushing me to work, work, work.

There was no time for any fun.

He never even taught me how to ride a bike.

To save face,

I had to tell my classmates I had hemorrhoids.

So, you never confronted your father about the bicycle?

No. No one ever confronted my father.

I see.

Ooh, an "I see."

This is good, sir.

This means something smart is on the way.

Go.

It's no wonder you're having such a conflicted reaction

to his passing because...

uh-oh. Chin stroke.

He's gonna say somethin' bad. Go.

Now he's crossing his arms.

That means he's annoyed at... Something.

I'll shut up.

What I was gonna say was,

you're sad about losing your father,

but you can't help feeling relieved

that you're now free to be your own man.

I think you're right.

Wow!

Hey, good work, doc. Thanks.

So, I'll see you tomorrow... And Wednesday...

And Friday.

There is one more thing.

Many times, patients who have

dysfunctional relationships with their fathers

tend to seek out similar relationships

in their adult lives.

[LAUGHING] That they do, doc.

That they do.

Mr. mayor, is there anyone in your life now

who you find overly controlling?

Alright, sir, let's shake a leg.

You got that lunch at the Plaza.

Someone who's manipulative?

They got those apple tarts you love.

A person who's preventing you

from living as a fully independent adult.

Put a scarf on. You don't want to get a chill.

This guy's kind of a quack.

See ya Friday.

James, we have to talk.

You can't quit your job because of me.

Well, sure I can.

Who needs money when we've got our love?

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

And don't get me wrong,

there are gonna be a few sacrifices.

You are gonna have to lose those high-flying outfits.

James, you don't understand.

I need my man to have a job.

Whoa, whoa.

First, you can't date me because we work together,

now you're saying you can't because we don't?

That's right.

I'm afraid this relationship is over.

Oh, well... Fine.

There hasn't been much of a relationship lately, anyway.

I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks.

James, we've never had sex.

Are you sure?

Mike, we've gotta do something about the mayor.

I asked him to meet with a campaign donor,

and he sent me this memo.

"I'm not doin' it. You can't make me.

I have hemorrhoids."

I'll talk to him.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYS]

Sir?!

Sir?!

Sir, could you please turn that noise down?

[MUSIC STOP]

You never like my music!

Sir, look...

I understand you've had a hard few days,

but we got a city...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

will you stop doing that?!

We've got a meeting

at the police commissioner's office at 5:00!

You gotta be there.

Don't you tell me where I have to be.

I'm the mayor! I decide where I have to be!

You're not the boss of me!

We got work to do. We don't have time for this!

Save it, dad!

Don't you walk away from me.

Don't you walk away from me!

I'm not done...

uh, don't worry.

The mayor just needs a little space.

Think so?

Oh, trust me, I know a thing or two about relationships.

Really?

Because the word around the office is that...

James dumped you.

I dumped him.

Oh, word of advice...

you want to keep a man like that,

you gotta put out.

Oh, Mike.

How'd you know to find me here?

Come on, sir.

How long have we worked together?

I called Lou.

You know, my father used to love the park

this time of year.

It's amazing, isn't it, sir?

A city this size,

and there's still a beautiful place

where people can come and...

Oh, hey, hey, come on! Knock it off, you three!

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry I stormed out on you earlier.

When you started talking, all I heard was my dad.

You know what, sir?

I've been pushing you way too hard.

Oh, not at all.

Because of the way you push me,

I have accomplished things

I never thought I was capable of.

You know, it's funny.

But I am 20 years your senior,

yet you've been like a mentor to me.

Sir, you're like a father to me.

Because I had sex with your mother, right?

No... Sir, but... but...

but that's a welcome addition to any conversation.

All right, let's get back to city hall.

Uh, you know what, sir? Work can wait.

Actually, I've got a surprise for you.

All right, sir, nice and easy, now.

You can do it.

Just like ridin' a bike.

Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal!

There you go, sir.

...and you start movin' your legs.

All right, that's it, that's it!

Okay, Julia!

Amazing, isn't it?

How old's yours?

Uh, 53.

He'll be 54 in October.

Yeah!

8-ball, should I have a bite of pudding?

"It is certain."

Should I have another bite of pudding?

"As I see it, yes."

Should I have another bite...

oh, for the love of God, eat the damn pudding!

Hey, Paul, I need to ask the 8-ball a question.

No, me first.

All right, people, look. This has gotta stop.

This thing is a fraud.

It can only answer "yes" or "no" questions.

Well, ask it something like,

"what's the weather gonna be like?"

"Outlook hazy."

Ooh! I should put the top up.

Maybe we should have a little competition...

Carter versus the 8-ball.

Give me a question.

Should I eat this candy bar?

You're allergic to chocolate. You eat that, you'll break out.

8-ball, should I eat this candy bar?

"Without a doubt."

It's delicious!

8-ball! 8-ball! 8-ball!

8-ball! 8-ball! 8-ball!

- [MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. - [UBU BARKS]

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