Original subtitles

Sir, what's this I hear about you not attending

the annual mayor's conference tonight?

I'm not going.

Yes. Yes, you are, sir.

Mayor garver of Springfield isn't going.

Well, mayor garver of Springfield is in prison.

So if you get arrested on federal racketeering charges,

you can skip stuff, too.

Mike, I don't have a date,

and all of the other mayors are gonna make fun of me.

Sir, they're not gonna make fun of you,

and if they do,

it's 'cause they don't know how special you are.

It's that damn mayor Reese of Miami.

Every year, he struts in

with a different beautiful blonde.

And every year, the breasts are bigger.

It's the same woman, sir.

I'm tired of it, Mike.

You know, since my divorce,

the only two women I've been intimate with

are janelle and, of course, your mother.

God, she was passionate, Mike.

Bold... Yet so giving.

Well, thank you, sir.

We're all very proud of mom's lovemaking prowess.

You should have no problem getting a date

for the conference tonight.

Look at you, sir. Take a look at yourself.

You're a powerful, handsome man.

You're right, Mike! I can do this!

I'm gonna handle my social life

the same way that I run this city.

Mike, find me a date!

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Okay. Whatever woman the mayor takes to the conference

is gonna reflect on him.

So we need to find him

someone charming, sophisticated and brilliant...

Not to mention, a head-Turner.

Caitlin, I'm not puttin' on a wig.

What about Amanda berard?

She has her own publishing company, a phd from Harvard,

and she's on the board of the children's hospital.

Sounds great. Let me see her.

She's not smart enough.

Too late. I've invited her and other women to a reception,

and hopefully, one of them will hit it off with the mayor.

[WHISTLING]

Carter, what do you think of this woman for the mayor?

Not, uh, smart enough.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Carter, of all people,

I expected you to be more sensitive.

I'm gay, not blind.

So, the mayor put you in charge

of finding him a date.

Yep, that's right.

Ha-ha ha-ha.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

I'm sure there's a patronizing commentary

on the ass end of that ha-ha ha-ha.

No, no. Nothing at all.

Good.

I just find it ironic, Mike,

that the mayor chose someone to find him a date

who can't find a date for himself.

I have plenty of dates.

I had two dates this week.

Renting a video two nights in a row

from the same woman does not constitute dating.

Friday, she recommended "carnal knowledge."

Saturday, "toy story."

"Toy story." What does that mean?

I don't know. You think I should dump her?

Frankly, I think the reason you're not dating

is you're a little stuck on you-know-who.

Hey, I worked that out in therapy.

I'm not in love with myself anymore.

I was talking about Caitlin.

I'm not interested in Caitlin.

I haven't dated 'cause I haven't found the right woman.

Yeah, Mike, whatever you say.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I still love you.

I'm so glad we're taking this art class together.

Just hurry up. I gotta get back to work.

And... I'm done.

James, I'm naked!

Well, we've only sketched nudes.

I don't know how to do clothes.

Well, learn, you little pervert.

Hey, James, where's the press release on...

Nikki yum yum.

Give me that!

Hey, I need that!

There's a sketch of Paul in there!

Uuuggghhh.

I'm taking an art class with Nikki and janelle.

You should join us.

James, the day I set foot in an art class...

there's nude models. Is tonight!

Yes! Yes! My paycheck just came, and I got 20 extra bucks!

20 bucks! Yeah!

Great. Now you can pay me the 15 bucks you owe me.

Get a lawyer.

This is Carter's check.

Carter makes more money than me?

Paul, I think we got each other's checks by mistake.

We did.

Ha!

I hope it doesn't bother you

that I make a little bit more money than you.

Please, Carter.

It'll take a lot more to hurt our friendship

than $899.43 a year after taxes.

Good.

Oh!

What's the matter...

your big, fat wallet didn't break your fall?!

It's a room full of very interesting women, sir.

Just go in there and mingle.

I'm very nervous.

I've had rotten luck with women lately.

Well, sir, you know what they say...

when you fall off a horse...

I know. Fire the stable manager.

I just wish I had a good pickup line,

something that would separate me from the crowd.

I'd go with, "hi, I'm the mayor."

Just go in there and talk to them.

[EXHALING] Hoooo.

All right. He's in the room.

He's circling. He's circling the ro...

ah, he's found somebody.

He spotted somebody he feels comfortable talking to.

He's makin' his move.

Like a hunter zeroing in on the kill.

Hello, sir.

What am I doing wrong?

Say something. "I find you interesting and attractive."

I think you're swell, too, Mike.

Come on, sir. I'll go with you.

[WHISTLING]

Excuse me.

Hi. I'm looking for Caitlin Moore.

There's got to be some mistake. You're too young.

Uh, what is it...

A haunted house?

That's funny. That's funny.

No, it's a high-level political function.

Oh.

And, uh, what are you, security?

Maybe.

Don't they usually hire a big, brawny guy for that?

Kung fu.

You gonna frisk me, kung-fu man?

You gonna make me?

Are we flirting?

If we're not, I'm really embarrassed about the kung fu.

Catherine.

Mike.

Are you single?

Are you?

Yeah. Yeah, I am, actually.

I just broke up with someone.

She's in the movie business.

I didn't get into your stupid art class, James.

It's full.

Did you put your name on the waiting list?

[SARCASTICALLY] Yeah, right.

I'm gonna get on a waiting list just to see naked babes.

Where is the waiting list?

Oops!

Paul!

Why don't you have your Butler clean it up for you?!

Paul, I refuse to feel guilty

about making more money than you.

I work very hard, and I earn every penny.

Ha! I'm the press secretary.

You're just head of minority affairs.

That's, like, not even a real job.

Minority affairs happens to be

the most challenging position at city hall.

Your job could be done by a lazy, inebriated orangutan.

Is that some sort of a crack?

I'm gonna do one of your press conferences.

I'm gonna do it better than you.

Nobody is more on top of their job than I am!

We'll see about that. When's the next conference?

I have no idea!

Hey, Carter, come in here for a sec.

Yeah, Mike?

You, my friend, are wrong.

What are we talking about?

I have a date tonight.

Oh, returning "toy story"?

No, I have a date with someone I just met.

She's smart, she's funny, she's attractive.

And best of all, she's not Caitlin.

Hey, guys, have you met my sister?

She's Caitlin's sister.

[LAUGHING] So, Mike is dating Caitlin's sister.

Am I the only one who finds this...

yeah, I'm just gonna...

Listen, Catherine, Mike and I have a work thing to discuss.

Okay. What do you think tonight, Italian?

I-I love Italian.

Italian. Great. Arrivederci.

Oh, French is good.

I know a great French place.

Perfect. French. Au revoir.

Hey, you know what? Have you ever tried Malaysian?

No, but I'm game.

Fantastic. Malaysian.

Okay. Just go.

Okay, Mike, I know what you're trying to do here,

but it's not gonna work.

Are you kiddin'? A little Coltrane, a pitcher of sangria,

this look...

Works every time.

You know perfectly well

you're just dating her to bother me.

I didn't even know she was your sister.

It bothers you?

No.

It bothers you.

Mike, let me be clear. Do whatever you want.

Date my sister, date my mother,

date my golden retriever for all I care.

It doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I am happy for you.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Got that? I'm happy.

The answer to every question is "no comment."

And when you start to fail, and you will,

just fake stomach cramps.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm here to announce

that the city will raise the battery tunnel toll 25 cents.

Any questions?

What will the extra money be used for?

Well, it's earmarked for general operations,

not that they need it, the way they waste money.

How is the city wasting taxpayers' money?

Oh. I, uh...

[NO AUDIO]

No comment.

Gotcha.

Carter Heywood doesn't know.

No, no, no, no. Carter Heywood knows.

In fact, the city spent God knows what

on a reception to find the mayor a date.

What, the mayor can't find his own dates?

No, I, uh...

are you saying these women were prostitutes?

No, no, no, no. That's not my point.

So you have no comment then

on the city hall prostitution scandal?

I, uh...

Ooh. Bad Sushi.

So, what'd you think of the Malaysian place?

Oh, I thought it was excellent.

You know, it's hard to find good python in New York.

[LAUGHS]

I thought it tasted just like chicken.

Yeah, that's 'cause it had just eaten one.

You know, Caitlin told me you were cute,

but she didn't say how funny you were.

Really?

Uh, Caitlin said I was cute?

Yeah.

But not funny.

Well, she didn't say you weren't funny.

She just told me you were cute.

Well, I know I'm cute.

I...Want her to think I'm funny.

You seem a little preoccupied with Caitlin tonight.

No, no, no. That's silly.

No. You are the only woman on my mind.

I-in fact, I-if it's okay with you,

I-I was thinking of... Kissing you right now.

Okay.

[THINKING] Here I go.

I so want th.

Mike, I love you.

I've always loved you.

And you were right

about the mayor's position on recycling.

I know.

Mike.

Mike!

I'm right here.

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm... I'm just, uh...

Warmin' these babies up.

Thank you for being my date tonight, Caitlin.

It's above and beyond the call of duty.

I'm honored to be escorting such a high caliber of woman.

There's mayor Reese.

Lose a button.

So, who did you bring to this function last year?

Mike.

And between you and me,

mayor Reese was not impressed.

What is it with Mike?

What kind of a name is that?

It doesn't even sound like a name.

Mikey Mike. Mikey Mike Mike Mike.

You know what's another stupid name?

Otto.

He has some good qualities.

That's what makes him so maddening.

In prep school, there was this guy named Otto.

He was from mobile.

Do you know what we called him?

Fatso.

He's not even my type.

So what if he's dating my sister?

It doesn't bother me a bit.

Caitlin... When I was younger,

there was this woman that I was quite fond of.

And I don't know, maybe it was my pride,

maybe it was my vanity, or maybe I was just afraid,

but I never told her of my feelings,

and she married somebody else.

I regret it to this day.

I understand what you're trying to say, sir.

Thank you.

Oh, no, wait. I did tell her, and she keyed my car.

What are you doing here? I thought the class was full.

It is, but they're doing couples posing tonight.

We're ready to begin.

Will the model assume his pose?

That's my cue.

I'll be naked with a woman, and for once,

I'm gettin' paid.

Hi.

He wouldn't.

He couldn't.

It's art class.

We will just treat him as if he was any other model.

Right. We won't give him the satisfaction.

Oh, my God.

Damn.

I'm getting some shadow.

Could you turn around, please?

And that's the money shot.

What's up?

Where's my where's my better naked half?

Jason, are you ready?

Jason? What kind of name is that for an incredibly hot girl?

Can you believe we get paid for this?

And that... that is why, to this day,

"shoeless" Joe Jackson is not in the hall of fame.

You know, I think I'm gonna call it an evening,

but thank you because it was, uh...

A night out of my apartment.

Uh, Catherine, stick around.

What for? You're obviously not interested.

No. Are you crazy? I'm totally interested in you.

If you were at college, I would've majored in you.

I would've...

I hope I wasn't too aggressive.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

All right.

D-don't... don't move.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Catherine, I'm... I'm sorry.

I just have to talk to Mike for a second.

Uh...

Here's the $10 for the cab ride today.

This couldn't wait?

Well, I can't sleep when I owe people money.

Good night.

I'm sorry.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Your sister must have a great credit rating.

Oh, let's not talk about my sister.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm sorry.

I forgot about that lunch last week...

the soup and the bread bowl place.

Remember?

I paid 'cause you forgot your wallet, so you owe me $10.

I think I have that on me.

I'm glad we took care of this.

Sorry.

[SIGHS]

Now...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I wonder who that could be.

Okay. You know what? This is ridiculous. I'm gonna go.

Oh, no, don't go.

Yeah, I think I should.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Good night, Mike.

Wow. That ended early.

If I hurry, I could probably share a ride with Catherine.

I'll see ya later.

You missed a fantastic mayor's conference.

I left with the mayor of Bethesda...

The honorable Mary Kelly.

That's good, sir. I hope you had a good time.

Let's just say we passed a little legislation.

I'm, uh, I'm happy for you, sir.

I gave her the old key to the city,

if you catch my drift.

Yes, I do, sir. Loud and clear.

We took a little ride on the "f" train.

Uh, Mike...

Caitlin. Caitlin.

So, how goes the war on fun?

Mike, my sister told me

you spent a lot of time talking about me last night.

Yeah, well, that's move number one.

Talk about your date's sister, gets chicks hot.

In retrospect, maybe goin' out with your sister

wasn't the best thing to do.

And maybe the whole "storming into your apartment" plan

could've used a rethink.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm sorry, too.

[SNIFFS]

Did you just smell me?

No. No. It's called breathing through my nose,

so I can, you know, like, live.

You sure squeezed hard enough.

I was just trying to be nice.

Yeah. By coppin' a feel?

That is the last hug you will ever get from me.

That's fine.

If I want a hug,

I'll get one from your sister 'cause she wants me.

So, you ready for lunch?

Sure.

James, you, uh,

you want to send a dozen roses over to Pam at blockbuster?

Rule number one... you have handled my press conference?

You never tell the press more than you have to.

Therefore, the correct answer to the question was "huh?"

That's absurd.

You can't just shut down a dialogue by saying, "huh?"

Huh?!

I said, "you can't just shut down a dialogue

by saying, 'huh?'"

huh?!

You know what?

Unlike you, I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong.

You know why?

Because I've got class and maturity.

You know what else I've got, Paul?

$20 more than you!

Every week, baby! Read it and weep!

Smell the green!

Smell it, smell it, smell it? A-ha!!

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

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