Original subtitles

I've come up with the layout for the mayor's Christmas card.

We will do mayor with the dog, mayor with the baby,

then mayor with the tree.

No, no...

uh, baby... Tree... Dog.

Well, if you're gonna put the baby before the dog,

then we don't even need the tree.

Hey, leave my tree alone.

Ooh, somebody bought the "kama sutra."

You just don't like my order because it's mine.

I didn't like it 'cause it's incorrect.

Yeah? Well, you're incorrect.

Could you possibly want her any more?

Carter, to tell you the truth,

uh, she doesn't really do it for me.

Please, Mike... she almost does it for me.

You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.

That's not sexual tension. That's bickering.

What I should have said is,

"you like to be the smartest person in the room,

so I'll leave."

You know, Caitlin, they're not called "comebacks"

because you leave and then come back.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

Ugh!

So, are we gonna get lunch...

Or is your stomach still fluttery?

Fine. Let's go.

Uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

If you think of something, we'll be at O'Leary's.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Okay, next item... the mayor's meeting

with a dignitary from Stockholm tonight.

Stuart, I need you to prep him.

Me? Why do I have to do it?

Oh, I don't know... it's your job?

How many times are you gonna go to that well?

Oh, reminder... tonight's my big holiday party,

so everybody come and bring an ornament for the tree.

And, Stuart, if it leaves a ring in your wallet,

it's not an ornament.

Oh, and, everyone... starting today,

I will be running the holiday clothes drive.

My advice...

go early and get the good stuff.

I'm Manning a depression hot line

for the people who are feeling down.

That's great, James.

Nobody knows more about being depressed than me...

1,000 Miles from my family,

tiny apartment, no girlfriend,

my best friend's my boss.

I'm not your best friend.

[WHIRRING]

[GRUNTS]

Those are the issues

the swedish delegate will want to discuss.

By the way, she'll be arriving around 8:00.

Any questions?

How's the chin-up bar coming?

Sounds like you're up to speed.

She's ready.

Let me rip a couple off for you.

Hup!

[EXHALES]

Oh, you bondek... oh, you!

Come on, you woman!

You gotta want it!

Yeah, she'll hold you.

I tell ya, being on the campaign trail's tough.

You gotta be strong, stay fit...

Be a man.

Hand cream?

No, thank you, sir.

Let me show you how one of these bad boys is done.

[SIGHS]

Ugh!

Next time, sir...

I'd do chin-ups, then lotion.

Jeff, I'm your crisis-hot-line counselor.

Listen to me.

Just 'cause you lost your job and your wife's cheating on you

is no reason to be depressed.

It's the holidays. I want you to have a beer.

You know what? Have a few beers.

Then I want you to go somewhere quiet, like, uh...

The Brooklyn bridge.

I want you to look down at the black water below

and think about all the things you have to live for.

I'm sorry?

I don't know... about 500 feet.

Listen, call me when you get back.

Paul!

You think this tie is too loud for this shirt?

These clothes are for the needy.

Ha!

You're never gonna draw them in with this selection.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

John mcenroe used to wear a headband exactly like this.

John mcenroe is my hero!

Look... look!

I even have an autographed picture of him!

Look!

"Dear Paul, stop following me."

Look at the headband!

It's identical!

Oh, my gosh...

this could be the very headband John mcenroe wore

when he won the '79 U.S. open.

Or it could be just some old random headband.

Yeah, like, what are the odds of that?

So, excited about your big party tonight?

Your master plan to get Caitlin over to your place

is coming to fruition.

Yeah, Carter, it was a long, difficult process,

but let me tell you,

inventing Christmas was worth it.

To tell you the truth, I forgot to even invite her.

Did you really forget,

or were you distracted by all the, uh, "bickering"?

Don't you mean "sexual tension"?

Yes, but then I couldn't have used the air quotes.

There is no sexual tension between Caitlin and me.

Truth is, it was an oversight,

and I'm gonna correct it.

Hey, uh, Caitlin...

Yes, Mike?

Um, do you have plans for tonight?

Because if...

well, I was just wondering if you wanted to come over

t-to my place tonight.

Sure.

Well, great, okay.

Great.

I'll see you later.

See... uh, see you.

All right. Okay.

See that? No sexual tension whatsoever.

You realize you just asked her out on a date.

No, I didn't.

All I said to her was, "you should come over,"

and she said, "sure, great," and you know what?

I have a date. I have a date with Caitlin.

No, you don't. You're hosting a party.

Yeah, you're right. Those people are counting on me

because this is the only time of year

when I get to show my friends and co-workers

how much they really mean to me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I left my binder here this morning.

Oh, sorry, yes.

Whoops.

Well, the party's off.

Calm down, you're not alone. I'm here for you.

James...

Please hold.

Do you have Mike's home address?

Going to Mike's party?

Party?

Of course. That's why I'm going to Mike's tonight...

for a party.

If you'll excuse me...

Are you still on that ledge?

Sir, are you okay?

I don't know. I think I need a masseuse.

I've got a whole list.

Good, because my back is killing me.

Oh, your back.

Can't help ya.

That's okay. I'll have janelle set one up.

You're gonna have to take this Stockholm meeting for me.

I am in no condition to talk to swedish people.

[BUZZING]

Stupid fly!

Hey...

Hey, Paul!

Mike's looking for the press release you promised him.

I put it in your in-box this morning.

That's my out-box.

Are you crazy?! That's "in"!

How can you call that "out"? That's "in"!

"Out."

You cannot be serious!

That is clearly "in"!

How incompetent can you be?!

Okay, let's find you a hat.

Oh, here's one. How's this?

I want that headband.

Sorry. This one isn't available.

Yes, it is. It was in the box.

Fork it over. You're not needy.

It looks like you haven't missed a meal in years.

Oh, please.

It's just gonna go wasted on you.

You'll use it to stave off frostbite.

Damn it!

Language warning.

[MARVIN GAYE'S "LET'S GET IT ON" PLAYS]

I've been really tryin', baby

tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long

and if you feel

Like I feel, baby

Then come on

Oh, come on

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Let's get it on

Oh, babe

Let's get it on...

[FRENCH ACCENT] Duck ? l'orange.

Duck ? l'orange.

Duck ? l'orange?

Hi, Mike.

[NORMAL VOICE] Hi.

Mmm. What smells so good?

Duck l'orange.

You, uh...

y-you look terrific.

Oh, thanks.

Wow... an actual date.

Hey, sweetie, I parked the car.

...and such a large and attractive one.

There's nothin' wrong

With me lovin' you

Baby, no, no

And givin' your love to me could never be wrong. .

Are we the first ones here?

Uh, yes...

You're the first of many... To my party.

I have to make a call.

Um, you two... you just, uh... Mingle.

[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Carter, it's... it's Mike.

Listen, uh, the party's back on.

Yeah? What happened to your date?

It's not a date, okay?

Now... now, call the staff.

Get everybody over here right now.

Maybe I'm busy. Heh heh.

Carter, do you have a dog on your chest right now?

I'll see you in 10 minutes.

[RINGS]

Crisis hot line. Don't do it.

James, it's Caitlin.

I'm at Mike's, and there's no party.

Life can't always be a party, Caitlin.

That's no reason to get down on yourself.

I am not down on myself.

Why did you say Mike was having a party?

He was, but he canceled it.

I think he's playing basketball instead.

He said something about a slam-dunk.

Oh, he did, did he?

I cannot believe how arrogant that...

[RINGS]

Hold on. I've got another call.

Crisis hot line. Think about your kids.

James, there's a number on my desk.

I want you to call it. Uncancel my order.

I had a case of red wine, a case of white wine,

six cases of beer, and some liquor.

Have them send it over to my apartment right away.

Listen, Mike, alcohol is not the answer.

All right, well, uh,

let's, uh... let's get this party rolling.

Since you guys are the first ones here,

you get the first crack at my famous party mix.

Froot loops and croutons?

Yeah. You know, my mom used to call them, uh... Fruitons.

B-but I like to call them, uh...

Uh, crout loops.

Mike, if this is a party,

why are there only two dinners on the table?

Oh, these... well, these, uh...

These are, uh... These are for the party mix.

Well, fruit loops without duck is just nasty.

Okay...

The capital of Sweden is Stockholm...

population 692,954.

Chief export...

[SPEAKS SWEDISH]

...babes.

I'm here for the mayor.

Right.

I'm Stuart bondek.

The mayor had an emergency, so I'll be taking his place.

Ja?

We are very honored...

...to have you.

Ja.

Now, uh, would you like to begin

by hearing about our cultural-exchange program

or my discussing our upcoming joint press conference?

Would you not like to start by taking off your clothes?

Ja.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[SPEAKS SWEDISH]

Oh, great! You're here!

Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. mayor.

No, no, thank you. Did you forget your table?

Sorry?

It's quite all right. We can use the floor.

How much time do we have?

You just keep going till I fall asleep.

I will just get ready, then.

Me too.

So... Where shall we begin?

How about my ass?

As deputy mayor I have a lot of power,

but what keeps me going

is knowing I make a difference in people's lives.

What do you do, rob?

I'm a heart surgeon.

I work mostly with kids.

So you're in it for the money.

Mike, I brought the people from the crisis center.

The more the merrier.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah, see? There you go.

All my friends don't show up at 8:00 on the dot.

This is a late-night crowd,

and they, uh... they party very hard.

Of course, that takes its toll.

Uh, Mike, I'd like you to meet my grandma.

Yeah, who I asked Nikki to bring

because she's... she's a fortuneteller.

The woman is positively psychic.

Is that the bathroom?

See that? Freaky.

Save something for the guests, okay, gram?

Okay, Mike...

Not that watching you squirm isn't fun,

but just admit it...

you weren't planning on having a party tonight.

Come on. This soiree has been months in the making.

What was so important

you needed to page me at the dojo?

Every year... janelle and her costumes.

I... I love it. Come on in.

Give it up. You don't even know half these people's names.

Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.

I know everybody here.

Hey, chief, how's it going?

Sporto.

See you brought the big guy.

And there's candles and the music.

You thought this was gonna be a date.

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Huh? What do you think, sporto?

That's chief.

All right, all right, I admit it.

I...Thought it was a date.

There. Isn't it better to be honest

instead of playing games?

I don't know if it's better.

It's different.

Mike, I'm making some more crout loops.

Where do you keep the duck?

Spare change! Spare change!

Give me spare change!

Spare change.

Thank you very much.

Merry Christmas.

[PANTING]

Spare change. Spare change.

Spare change.

Ha! Got it! Ha ha!

So long, sucker!

Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Worth it! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Yes! Yahtzee! In your face!

[SOBBING]

No, no, no. I take it back.

I take it back. No yahtzee.

So, what are you gonna do now?

It's her move. But I'll tell you this...

nothing's gonna happen

as long as she's dating Dr. third-wheel.

Him?

He's a bartender.

What?

When Caitlin took me to lunch yesterday,

I'm pretty sure he's the guy behind the bar.

Why would she bring some bartender

she doesn't even know to my party?

Maybe she had to scare up a date at the last minute.

Maybe she thought it was a date, too.

"You shouldn't play games, Mike. We should be honest, Mike.

We should eat Sushi off the small of my back, Mike."

She never said that.

It was implied.

James, what's wrong?

I've been talking to depressed people

for five hours straight.

They all want to know what they have to live for.

I gotta be honest with you.

That guy over there... nothing.

Oh, you're just burnt out. I'll take over for a while.

So... How's it going?

Terrible. Women just don't like me...

Not that I blame them. I have nothing to offer.

That's not true.

You're interesting, you're attractive.

I'm not into redheads.

Uh, rob, can you settle a bet for Carter and me?

How many bones are there in the human body?

Mike, he's a heart surgeon.

Oh, right. Sorry.

How many hearts?

You don't have to answer that.

But I know this one.

Could you make me a Martini?

Dry or wet? Dry.

Over or up? Up.

Olive or onion? Just go!

You know, my... my mom wanted me to be a doctor,

but, uh, I couldn't stand the sight of gin.

All right, I guess you've got this all figured out,

so I might as well come clean.

Rob lost a guy on the table today.

His head's really messed up.

CAITLIN: So, how'd the rest of the party go?

Oh, fine.

Uh... Nikki's grandmother hooked up with chief...

...whom she says is actually the big guy.

You know, I was thinking,

we both thought last night was a date...

Yeah?

...and we both seem okay with that.

Yeah?

Well, since you were so eager to accept...

eager? I just accepted to be polite.

I was just inviting you to a party,

but it was very polite of you to want me.

Please!

You are the one who was just about to ask me out.

You always go there.

Why don't you just admit you want me to ask you out?

Pff!

Don't... don't "pff" me.

You know what I say to your "pff"? I say, "ehh."

What is "ehh"?

"Ehh" is the smart man's "pff."

Get a room!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Uh!

Ahhhhh!

Hey...[PANTING] How many is that?

One.

19 more... And you owe me 10 bucks.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

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