Original subtitles

Carter...

What's wrong with this picture?

Those earrings with that blouse.

Hoo-hoo!

Okay, if you weren't gay,

what's wrong with this picture?

Let me give you a hint.

It was taken at a press event.

You wanna be in the picture, you gotta be at the event.

Caitlin plans these events behind my back.

She schedules them, she creates them,

she stars in them.

She's like an evil, blond spike Lee.

Why are you so uptight?

She's cuttin' me out!

I can't do my job if I'm not the guy behind the guy.

You are.

Not anymore.

Now she's made me the guy

behind the girl behind the guy,

which sounds like fun...

...but is not.

From now on, wherever the mayor goes, whatever he does,

I'm gonna be right next to him.

Gentlemen.

Starting in about 10 minutes.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Okay, next item...

this morning, the first...

Train pulled into the newly renovated grand central station.

The tracks weren't ready.

Oh, no, the tracks were ready.

Unfortunately, the stoplights were n ot.

As a result,

the eastern wall is now known as "the Western archway."

Hey, Mike, tell 'em about Manny,

the bathroom attendant from grand central

who's gonna work here during the renovations.

Go ahead, tell 'em.

Sure you don't wanna tell 'em, James?

No, I don't want to steal your thunder.

Bathroom attendants... I hate 'em!

Just a bunch of crooks.

Manny survives off his tips.

Survives... ha!

They're just like panhandlers.

Half of 'em have mansions out on long island.

Yeah, Paul, according to Forbes,

the three richest men in America are bill gates, Warren buffet,

and the guy on 31st street

who screams, "gimme a dollar or I'll drop my pants!"

Now, finally, Tuesday is the banquet

honoring our own Carter Heywood as activist of the year.

I just want to let you people know

that I don't do what I do for the awards.

Ah, this really comes out of nowhere.

It was a complete shock.

Carter, you nominated yourself,

and you ran a few months' smear campaign

against your only competition, sister carlita.

You're either a nun or an activist, Mike.

You can't be both!

The last thing you fought for was a desk chair.

I just happen to do my best protesting

from an ergonomically balanced position.

I once got a chick

in an ergonomically balanced position.

Then she sobered up,

and I was just another loser swinging from a harness.

Oh, I was looking for Caitlin.

I have the schedule of the mayor's campaign events.

You can leave that with me.

I was told only to give it to Caitlin.

Who told you that?

Caitlin.

Who you gonna listen to?

[SNICKERS] Caitlin.

Here are the transit papers.

Stuart, what's that?!

A paperweight.

That's a breast!

This paperweight looks nothing like a breast.

Here, I'll prove it to you... whip out one of yours.

Caitlin, Stuart has a breast on his desk.

I was trying to explain it's not a breast.

It's a nonsexual, abstract piece of art.

Oh, yeah? Where'd you get it?

The knocker locker.

[WHISTLING]

Aah!

That's not my purse!

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the mayor's campaign schedule.

Why don't you just ask for it?

Like you're just gonna give it to me.

Good.

Glad to see we're finally being mature about this.

Here's your mascara.

Wait a minute... this is written in code.

It's not code, Mike.

The mayor and I have developed a sort of shorthand

to help us be more efficient.

He and I have had that for years.

Oh, Caitlin, there you are.

Oh, did you get my memo...

cpdr13?

Central park dog run 1:00 to 3:00.

And this time, remind me not to put the tennis ball

in my trouser pocket.

Hey, hey, b.F.

What?

B.F... Big fella.

L.F... Little fella?

I thought maybe later

we'd get some b. U.D... Weisers.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Here we go.

Thanks, Manny.

By the way, I love the green urinal cakes.

Very classy.

Hmm.

No candy corn, huh?

You know, they're not just for Halloween, my friend.

You know what would be nice,

is, um...

Some sliced fruit...

Or, uh, I don't know...

finger sandwiches, maybe.

I'll catch you next ? time.

Mike, you got a minute?

Yeah, Carter.

I think I've broken Caitlin's code.

Okay, see this... "fifen."

It makes no sense, right?

However, if you replace all the f's with g's,

swap the "I" for a "u"...

Add the standard syllable "heim"...

...suddenly, "fifen" becomes "gugenheim."

Couldn't "fifen" just mean... Congressman Barney fifen,

who the mayor is meeting with right now?

At the gugenheim?

No, in the pressroom.

Oh, she is good. She is very g ood.

Mike, Mike... I-I need to talk.

Make it fast, okay? 'Cause I gotta find the mayor.

Nikki was right this morning.

I've totally lost my edge.

Maybe I used to be an activist,

but now, whenever I try to make a stand,

someone always talks me out of it.

That's not true.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Wait, wait, wait! Mike, Mike.

This is important to me.

I want to show the gay community that I, uh...

I stand out here at city hall.

Show them that mesh tank top you wear on casual Fridays.

Paul, I can't believe you!

You're totally taking advantage of Manny!

Oh.

That's preposterous!

You better return all this stuff,

and if you want to use the bathroom, tip Manny!

Look, James, I have principles!

There are certain things in life I will not pay for...

parking, sex, food, shelter!

Stuart...

Regarding the breast, I put together a little file...

let's just call them your achievements here at city hall.

Uh-oh.

"March 14... bondek arrives at work wearing no pants."

That was a special day.

And eyewitness accounts suggest it was also a very cold d ay.

I want that breast gone.

Be careful about how you interact with women here.

What if I want to say something nice?

Well, according to city-government protocol,

the only acceptable compliment you can give a woman

is "you look sharp."

Understood?

Absolutely.

[SWEETLY] Oh, Caitlin...

You...

Look sharp.

You look so sharp...

You make me feel sharp.

Get out of the water,

'cause here comes...

A "sharp" attack!

Where's the mayor?

He's in the middle of an interview Caitlin set up.

Another one. That's it!

I'm gonna show this reporter who's really in charge...

uh, you know... after the mayor.

Uh, sir, I just wanted to...

ooh! An interview!

Thanks for approving that interview, Caitlin.

Mike would never have gone for that.

Hey, the mayor being profiled by the gay observe r

it's a win-win.

People don't really understand

just how close the mayor and I really are.

And I think it's time they found out.

Right, big fella?

You said it, little fella.

Somebody's been working out.

Working out... I don't have the energy for that.

You've seen me in the mornings.

I had no idea you guys had this kind of relationship.

A lot of people around here

have been making a lot of claims.

So I'm just going to bottom-line it for you, okay?

I am the guy... Behind the guy.

Hey, how about a picture?

Perfect!

Mike, look at this headline!

"The mayor comes out"!

Sir, if it's any consolation,

I did talk them out of "nobody's gayer than the mayor."

They're saying that I'm a homosexual!

This is the most horrible, humiliating moment in my life!

No offense, Carter.

None taken.

You?! I mean, sir, t-they called me your boy toy.

As if I came prancing into work in a purple suit and a pink tie.

No offense, Carter.

None taken!

I can't believe they made us gay!

First of all,

you can't make someone gay...

they're born that way.

Or they... Join the wrestling team,

and... It's just a matter of time.

Randall...

Boy toy.

Shouldn't you be calling reporters

trying to undo the damage you've done?

I tried. Apparently, I lack credibility

because I'm always "lying" to them.

Until this blows over, the mayor and you

probably shouldn't be seen in public together.

Yeah, you would like that, wouldn't you?

I think Caitlin may be right.

Sir, please, all we have to do is put you in a series

of very public, very heterosexual situations,

thereby cleansing you of any lingering gay... Residue.

None taken!

That's it!

I've had enough. I'm getting rid of it.

[GRUNTING]

What good is a paperweight if it's glued to your desk?!

I think you just showed me.

Caitlin...

I think it's time we fight fire with fire...

Little, uh, paperweight of our own.

Well!

And this is supposed to distract Stuart?

It didn't look so big in the store.

What store?

Oh, Nikki, can I ask you a question?

Yes, sir.

Do I seem gay to you?

I mean, I don't know why the press

latches onto things like this.

Is there anything at all about me that seems gay?

No.

Thank you!

Oh, you know,

my ex-wife had this same paperweight on her nightstand.

Never any papers, though.

Okay, now joining us on "Monday night football"...

none other than the mayor of New York City, Randall Winston,

and next to him, deputy mayor, Michael Flaherty.

Welcome, guys.

Thank you, boomer.

Boomer... that's such a cool name.

Uh, easy... I-I'm married.

As was the mayor...

To a woman.

And before that, quite the womanizer...

just sex, sex, sex every chance he got...

But responsibly.

I heard you played a little high school football?

He was the star quarterback.

Until my senior year, when I had to give it up.

Was it a knee injury?

Lead in "show boat."

Football just can't compare

to the thrill of musical theater.

I'm sure.

You were a tough kid, though, right?

I Was...

In "West Side story."

I was a jet.

Unfortunately, me too.

And when you're a jet, you're a jet

all the way from your first cigarette

to your last dying day

boo doo-be-do da

boo doo-be-do...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Mike Flaherty's office.

[IMITATING WOMAN] Hello, is Manny there?

This is Mrs... Manny.

Oh, hold one second. I'll get him.

Out of my way, junior! This morning,

Starbucks was giving away free samples of Madagascar melody!

I had 12!

You know the rules.

Yeah, well, I don't pee by the rules!

Don't make me use this.

What are you gonna do, deodorize me?

Ow! Ow! My eyes! My eyes!

Nice work, James.

I'll take it from here.

Let's see how tough you are now... Mint stealer!

Oh!

"Monday night football"...

nice work, Mike.

Now the mayor's not just gay in New York,

he's gay in 70 countries around the world.

He's like the visa card of gay people.

Yeah, well, on the upside, uh,

he was offered the role of kenickie in "grease on ice."

Oh, there he is.

Carter, as guest of honor,

you're seated at table 1 with the mayor.

Hey, welcome to the big time, Carter.

Not that there's anything wrong with the other tables.

There's no hierarchy here.

Mike, you're at table 9.

The loser table?!

You can't sit with the mayor.

Everyone will think you're his date.

All right. I see your point.

For the record, though, uh...

He could do a lot worse.

I don't know, Caitlin, I, uh...

I feel like a fraud being here.

I rarely speak out anymore,

and when I do, nobody really listens.

I don't know. I think it's some kind of fish.

Looks like we both got stuck at the loser table.

This is not the loser table.

This is the "young mover and shaker" table.

Oh, great... the loser table!

We're both businessmen. Let's make a deal.

You let me use the bathroom free of charge,

I'll hook you up with this guy down in Chinatown...

he brews his own old spice.

Stings a little, but it's a nickel a gallon.

Hmm...

I'm listening.

I can't believe this.

Everybody thinks I'm gay.

Caitlin is up there attached to the mayor's hip,

and I'm stuck at the loser table.

You said this was the cool table.

James, wake up and smell the bathroom guy.

Carter...

You got to help me out, okay?

As the most prominent gay member of this administration...

Mike, I'm the only gay member.

No, mark in accounting came out.

I knew it!

I need you to go up there

and tell everybody the mayor and I are not gay.

You're the only one they're gonna believe.

You want to let them know you're straight?

Just show them how you dance.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...

What do you say, Carter?

...our city's activists,

and tonight's guest of honor, Carter Heywood!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for this award.

It's a...

it's a great honor, and now I need to live up to it.

Believe it or not,

the mayor was so alarmed at being mistaken for gay

that I was asked to come up here and deny it.

Well, I may work at city hall, but I don't work for city hall.

Stay strong.

Carter Heywood... Is back.

[APPLAUSE]

Wow!

Powerful... Powerful stuff.

So, to sum up, uh...

The mayor and I...

not gay.

Nice spin, Mike.

I guess I'm back at the mayor's table.

Oh, this is silly...

us competing to see who can be closer to the mayor.

Maybe you're competing. I'm not competing.

I'm closer.

Well, Stuart...

[CRASH]

Looks like you can kiss your paperweight goodbye.

And we don't mean that literally.

[SIGHS]

They sell them in pairs.

Duh!

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

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