Original subtitles

So, Carter, what do you think of

this guy Nikki's dating?

Arthur? He's nice. Smart. Handsome.

Yeah. I don't like him, either.

Sorry, Mike. I'm out of the loop on this one.

Oh, yeah?

"To Carter, from Nikki.

"After the movie, Arthur walked me home

and we kissed... parenthesis... no tongue... end parenthesis.

Smiley face."

Nice, Mike. Reading my e-mail?

How'd you get my password?

Third try, actually.

Barbara.

Judy.

Liza.

I know it's cliche, but...

God help me, she's fabulous.

Is that a rose?

Well, they've only been out on 3 dates.

(WHISPERING) It's not too late yet.

Hey, uh, Nikki.

Happy 4-day anniversary.

Ohhh. You're so sweet.

(AHEM)

Dropped one.

You know, thanks for letting me stay with you guys

while my apartment's being fumigated.

Well, we're really looking forward to it.

Yeah. Got you a welcome gift.

Bath towel.

Hey pauly, I don't want any details released

concerning the location of that new city dump,

so at the press conference, just play dumb, all right?

Huh?

Yeah, that's good.

You know, bring it down a notch.

Hey, Nikki, uh...

Guess who got reservations

for 2 at LA bernadin tonight?

Oh, wow, that's such a coincidence,

because Arthur's taking me there tonight.

Who are you going with?

James.

Yes!

Yes, that's right, James.

You've been doing such a good job lately,

I thought I'd just surprise you with a nice...

$400 dinner.

Can I order appetizers and everything?

No.

But you do have to wear that dress I bought you.

Mike, you ready for our visit to the children's hospital?

Yes, sir. Ready to show the city

that compassionate side of yours.

Just, sir, please, no incidents this year.

Mike, I only gave a kid a hershey bar.

Sir, it was the diabetic ward.

We have time for one more question.

Yes?

New guy.

Have you picked the location for the city dump?

Excellent question. Thanks for coming.

Hey, pal.

What's your problem?

Oh, you mean back there?

Oh, I was just kidding around.

I like to haze the new guys,

but just so you know,

when I leave the press room, there's no following me.

It's the protocol.

Well, you know what?

There's a new protocol.

From now on, you answer every...

question... I... Ask.

Am I to understand that you're stealing my apple?

Very good.

You're not as dumb as you look.

Thank you.

Hey.

Uh, sir, this is Derek Evans.

He comes in once a month

until they find him a kidney donor.

Hi, Derek. Why don't you come visit me

at city hall some time? Would you like that?

Hey! It's jayson Williams.

You're my favorite basketball player.

Mr. mayor.

Still losing some hair up there, huh, Flaherty?

Hey, Derek. What's happening?

I just stopped by to let you know

I'm gonna grab 20 rebounds for you tonight.

Cool.

He's just exploiting the situation

to boost his own image.

Yes. It's embarrassing.

Derek...

I'm naming a street after ya.

All right. My own street?

Nobody upstages you, sir.

Wow! It's Jeff Gordon.

You're my favorite race car driver.

Good to see you, Derek. How are you?

Why you're throwing around the word "favorite," Derek,

why don't you tell these reporters

who your favorite mayor is?

I liked koch.

Derek, I just came by to tell you

I'm gonna win my next race for ya.

Wow. Mr. Williams said he's gonna get 20 rebounds.

Don't forget the street.

Yeah, whatever.

Did I say 20 rebounds? I meant 30 rebounds,

and I'm gonna pull 'em all down with one hand.

Really? Well, in my next victory lap,

I'm driving backwards with no hands.

We're losing, Mike, we're losing.

(UNDER HIS BREATH) Give him the key to the city.

What? Key to the city.

I'm going to give this boy my kidney.

I'm out.

Too rich for my blood.

Carter, I think your freak dog

is trying to kill himself again.

He just threw himself in the bathtub.

Rags loves the water.

He had my hair dryer in his mouth.

I think he's a little depressed,

'cause tomorrow he's turning 150.

So, how do I look?

Smokin'.

Shake it, work it, do it

Ok. Ew.

Hey, where are you guys going tonight?

The palladium?

The palladium?

Come on, they tore that down.

But my mom, she used to love that place.

(CHUCKLING)

Smooth move, old man.

When she comes back,

you can invite her to the invention of fire.

I am not old.

Oh, I forgot. Age is a sore point with you people.

What people, Stuart? Black people? Gay people?

No. Old people.

Couldn't I just disappear for a while?

Maybe the feds could hide me.

Sir, they don't have a kidney protection program.

Mr. mayor, the nurse is here for a blood sample.

Mike, I don't like needles.

Maybe we can do this the old-fashioned way, Mike.

Punch me in the nose. Janelle, get a cup.

Sir, would it help you

if a friend did this with you?

Well, it might.

Janelle, push up your sleeves.

Push up my salary.

Never mind, I'll do it.

(MOCKING) "Push up my salary."

Exactly what are my odds of being a match, Mike?

I'm telling you, they're like 1 in 100,000.

I'll tell you what. You pick a number

between 1 and 100,000.

Ok, 77,248.

See, that's just uncanny.

Hey, guys.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Yeah. What's it to you?

You take the bass out of your voice, young woman.

Yeah, we've heard just about enough.

Stacy, you go straight to my room.

No?

It was worth a shot.

Well, excuse me, fuddy and duddy.

I expected this from him, but from you?

Carter, come on. You should be out partying with me.

Hah! You hear that? I'd love to.

Great, let's go, 'cause I just came back to get my whistle.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Right now?

Right now! Let's go shake your rumpa.

Can I pick one of those up at this hour?

Oh, no, no. I have to change. I have to change.

Oh, baby, where we're going, you're overdressed.

Oh!

So, Nikki, how...

How was your dinner?

Arthur is so romantic, and you know what?

I got a little bit tipsy.

He didn't even try to make a move on me.

Gay.

Morning, everyone. I was in the neighborhood,

and I thought you all might enjoy some freshly baked almondine croissants.

Almondine croissant. What a snob.

And I also brought some snickerdoodles.

Snickerdoodles.

What a dork.

(BELL RINGS)

Hey, lassiter.

Hello, butch.

Look, every day you punch me

and take my lunch money.

How about today I give you the lunch money,

and we forget about the punching?

No.

Now, where do you want it, lassiter?

Belly, please.

See you, bud.

Thank you, Mr. lassiter.

(CLINKING GLASS NOISILY)

I'm nervous, Mike.

Really?

(CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK)

So, you're not making a toast?

You know what, sir? You know what I find relaxes me?

If I lie down, stretch out,

and take a couple deep breaths.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just... I don't understand why

we're not there with them.

Unfortunately, mayor Winston is not a match.

Whoo! Boo-yeah!

However, on the positive side,

deputy mayor Michael Flaherty

is a perfect match.

Mike?

Mike?

I'm down here, sir.

Jayson Williams pulls down

43 boards for the nets last night.

Offensive, defensive... hey, at halftime,

he even rebounded from a bad relationship.

But the real all-star is that young deputy mayor...

you remember him, out of Fordham law...

Michael "somebody send up a flare-ety, I'm giving my kidney away."

I wish I had a nickname.

You do, James.

Just not one people say to your face.

Come on, Mike. It's just a kidney.

You got a spare.

What? I'm just trying to make you laugh.

Oh, yeah. Organ removal.

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Mike, we saw you on TV.

You know what? Not now, ok, Arthur?

I'm dealing with something here,

and I don't have time for small talk.

ARTHUR: I want to donate my kidney to that boy.

How about this weather, huh? Isn't it amazing?

Hey! Guess what?

We're on the list at jet lounge tonight.

You up for hanging out?

Hey, anyone can hang out.

I want to

par-tay

Yeah.

Go Carter, guys dig you, go Carter...

Oh, God.

All right, that's it. I'm facing my past.

I'm taking back my turf.

Good for you, Paul.

Shh. I'm using an alias.

Call me Ivan finkle.

The next time that bully tries to give you any trouble,

you just do this.

It's called the crane.

There is no defense for this.

(GIGGLING)

You know, Paul, if you'd like,

I could teach you some basic kickboxing.

Ok, janelle, that might be fine in the gym,

but you don't have time for those fancy moves out on the street.

That would have hurt.

Real bad.

You can't tickle the crane.

Sure you can.

Just cut a hole in your pocket.

Look, Arthur.

You're probably not even a match.

He has "o" positive blood.

That makes me a universal donor.

Oh, you are just so perfect, aren't you?

You know, Nikki,

they'll remove the organ for him.

You don't have to suck it out of his mouth.

Anyway, I don't need your kidney handouts, ok?

I wanna do this.

Ohhh...

Oh, Mike, that's wonderful.

I'll go tell everybody the news.

Yeah, tell everybody the news.

Tell 'em all. Mikey's doing it.

You come waltzing in here, you know,

and you make this noble gesture

so that everybody thinks you're Mr. wonderful,

when you and I both know the only reason you're doing this

is to score points with Nikki.

Actually, if someone hadn't done

the same thing for my brother

when he was a boy, I'd be an only child.

Why are you doing it?

Uh...

It's Nikki, isn't it? You're crazy about her.

Maybe.

But... but, unlike you,

I keep my feelings to myself.

It... it's called being a man.

Look, I know your type. Nice guy, but...

Obsessed with his work and can't deal with his feelings

so you make a lot of snide remarks

about other people under your breath.

(UNDER HIS BREATH) You just think you know everything.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Car-ter.

Car-ter.

Come on.

Woo-woo-woo.

Come on, Carter. I know you're a little drunk,

but, come on, go in the bedroom

so I can crash on the couch.

I'm comfy here. You take the bedroom.

Fine. I'll wake you when it's time for work.

Carter!

Carter!

Come on. Time for work.

You're not hungover, are you?

No. No, of course not.

I'm still drunk.

(MOANING)

I just want to throw myself out the window.

Do it.

And, for the love of God,

take me with you.

Doc, this operation...

It won't hurt, will it?

You shouldn't feel anything.

"Shouldn't?"

You mean "won't", right?

Definitely will not.

Yes.

Most likely will not.

Nikki, Nikki, I don't trust this guy.

Get me a pen. I wanna draw where my kidney is.

No... no... no... no... no. It's gonna be ok.

It's gonna be ok. Calm down.

Besides, you look sexy.

Really?

Yeah, I gotta tell ya, you know what?

It really... it blows me away

to see you doing something like this for somebody else.

Well, that someone else is very special.

Mike, what are you doing?

Oh, you know what? This is just like you, Mike.

I get a boyfriend,

suddenly you notice I'm alive.

This thing with Arthur feels real to me.

And you, you're afraid to even get in the game.

Am I in the game now?

Well, you're too good to keep on the bench.

Oh, no, Mike. I can't do this.

I have a boyfriend.

God, that sounds good.

Look, Mike, I'm sorry.

You had your chance.

Lassiter.

There he is, Paul. Here's your chance.

I'm ready, sensei.

Hey, I wanted to apologize for the other day.

I'm going through this divorce,

and I just quit smoking...

Well, anyway, I bought you a little something

just to say I'm sorry.

Where do you want it, lassiter?

Where do you want it, lassiter?

Where do you want it?

How about in the belly?

Mama said knock you out.

What?

What? What?

What?

The anesthesia should kick in in a couple minutes.

We're gonna start your drip now.

Drip?

Sounds a little stingy.

How about a steady pour?

They're ready for you in pre-op, Mr. Flaherty.

All right. Let's get it on.

Good luck, Mike.

Go get 'em, son. Yay, Mike. Go get 'em, Mike.

Wait!

There's no way I'm doing this!

Mr. Flaherty...

get away from my kidney or I will sue you, you quack.

Looks like they need me.

I'll do it, doctor. Shave me down.

Excuse me.

The boy's Uncle has been located

and is willing to donate his kidney.

But let me tell you.

That was the single greatest act of bravery

I have ever seen.

Arthur!

(ALL CHEERING)

I, for one, want to buy this man a beer, huh? Let's go!

(ALL CHANTING) Arthur! Arthur! Arthur!

Wait a minute! No, wait!

Wait, I'll do it! I'll do it!

Shave me down!

Ohh.

Whoa.

Oooh.

This anesthesia's starting to kick in.

Better turn it down.

(THINKING) Ok, can't move.

Call for help.

Ok. Can't move includes lips.

Mike.

I just had to come back in here and say this.

If you think what you and I have

is worth taking a chance on, I'm in.

Ok? But I just have to hear you say it.

(THINKING) Yes. Yes. Definitely. I'm in! I'm in!

It's totally worth it.

Nothing?

All right. Morse code.

Use all your strength. Blink "yes."

Good-bye, Mike.

Aw. Could this day get any worse?

Ok, Mr. flanahan.

Looks like it's time for your barium enema.

Let's just pump this baby up.

Carter, you coming? Big rave downtown.

I am right behind you.

Hey. Ha ha.

Ho ho.

You're not going?

Ha ha ha ha.

What?

(OLD MAN'S VOICE) Ok, Carter.

I'm gonna go to the kitchen,

and I'm gonna grab us a box of prunes.

I'll be back in an hour.

Shut up! I can't hear matlock.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.

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