Original subtitles

We gotta go, guys. Mike said we're dead if we're not in his office by 9:00.

Relax. He's not even here yet.

O.K., you got one lap to get in my office. Thanks, Carter.

Hey, don't mind if I do.

Aw, who puts tomato juice in a coffee cup?

...and said "I'm sorry"

5 days since I laughed at you...

all right, clear a Lane, people.

3 days since the living room

we're both to blame but what could we do?

Yesterday you just smiled at me

'cause it'll still be 2 days till we say we're sorry

it'll still be 2 days till we say we're sorry

listen. I had a very relaxing weekend.

I'd like to ease into this. Everybody please be gentle.

(ALL OVERLAPPING)

D.J.: Here's one from the spin doctors.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!

We gotta come up with a new spot for the mayor's reelection announcement.

Someplace inspiring, that says "America."

Mount rushmore.

Someplace accessible.

Mount Stacey.

Sorry. I was thinking out loud.

How about the zoo? We just dumped, like, $5 million

into refurbishing the monkey house.

$5 million?

Who do I have to fling crap at to get my computer fixed?

Having said that, I like the zoo. That's good...

central park, beautiful day, cute critters. Set that up.

Hey, sir, you all pumped up for the reelection announcement?

Well, actually, Mike...

I've decided not to run.

Sir?

I always get you with that one, don't I, Mike? (CACKLES)

Stacey, remember that sick day you took on Friday?

(COUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, Mike?

My friend Sebastian saw you at a dance club Friday night.

How'd he know it was me?

You had your tongue in his mouth.

Wanna change that to a vacation day?

(MIMICKING STACEY COUGHING) You are so bush league.

Please! Like you can do better.

Don't even talk to me!

Hey, that's 2 extra days on my honeymoon, blondie,

all on Uncle Sam's dollar!

What the hell is that?

It's my family dog, rags.

Oh, he's so cute! (GIGGLING)

Aw.

Ugh!

How old is that thing?

He's only 19.

My parents were thinking of putting him to sleep,

and he's not ready for that! Not ready?

When you said "put him to sleep," his eyes lit up like he heard a can opener.

Come on, Stuart. You take this little guy out for a walk,

and the women are gonna go crazy.

Oh, yeah. "Hey, look at that guy

dragging the partially shaved sheep fetus.

Someone help me get my panties off."

Stuart, come on. Have you seen a face that beautiful before,

huh? Hey, Carter.

Nice bat.

Now, regarding our plan to announce the mayor's bid for reelection...

(ALL WHINING)

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Does this topic bore you?

Let me paint a picture of what your futures hold

if the mayor does not get reelected.

James, you'll be writing gags for Charlie Cheddar,

the talking cheese block at the Wisconsin state fair.

Mike, he writes his own material.

Stacey, back in Brooklyn living with your parents. Married, 3 kids.

Nikki, back in Westchester, also 3 kids.

Married?

Paul... 2 words.

Press secretary? Freak show!

Shoving pool balls in your mouth.

Mike, I can't fit a pool ball in my mouth.

Paulie.

Well...

It's really not that weird.

Stuart, I see you in a strip club.

Keep talking.

You're completely naked. I'm loving this.

You're dancing in front of a room full of sailors,

and it's "don't ask, don't tell" week.

Now, regarding our plan to announce the mayor's bid for reelection!

(CHEERING)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow.

(CHORTLING)

You know, Paul, I am no snitch,

but when Mike gets back, I'm telling.

Yeah, you sing all you want, sweet cakes.

'Cause I got doctor's notes. I got x-rays. I got sworn affidavits.

I'm like eliot ness. I'm unreachable.

It's "untouchable".

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, Paul.

Oh, yeah. Uh, what is it? What do you want?

Relax. I was just wondering how you hurt your ankle.

Oh, yeah. I did it cliff diving.

Cliff diving? Why?

Did someone drop a quarter on the ocean floor?

(NIKKI AND STACEY GIGGLING)

MAYOR: They've got me set up by the sea lions.

I was leaning more towards the penguins.

I thought it added an air of formality to the event, but I was outvoted.

Well, sir? Yeah?

Ready to stake your claim on the next 4 years? Ready.

You'll be happy to know I set up a celebrity photo op for you later this afternoon.

Ooh! You know who it should be?

Sir, we've had the Ann-Margret discussion many times.

If it's not Ann-Margret, I'm not doing it. It's Heidi Klum.

Sports illustrated swimsuit edition cover girl.

Ann-Margret's a dinosaur.

Well, sir, this is it. Go get 'em.

Oh, you know, I shouldn't have worn this wool suit.

Feels like burlap against the old twig and berries.

It's your first lunch in your new home...

A home filled with love.

That geriatric dog of yours left a gift in my room.

Aw, did rags have an accident? Did he?

Yeah. He accidentally dropped a of couple of teeth on my bedspread.

(PLINKING)

Why do you insist on keeping this poor creature alive?

Stuart! Rags is perfectly happy.

Oh, yeah? Then why is he trying to stick his tongue in that outlet?

Rags!

So, when's he going back to your parents' house?

He isn't. This is his home now.

You can't bring home some old dog without checking with your roommate first.

Did I not call you last Saturday night

when I met Tina at the buffet?

Stuart, rags may be a little old,

but he is as young and vibrant as a puppy.

(BABY-TALK VOICE) Isn't that true?

Aren't you just filled with life and love and laughter?

(SOUND SLOWED DOWN) Aren't you just the sweetest thing?

Don't you just have lots of good stuff left?

He's got lots of good stuff left inside.

(FALSETTO VOICE) You're just a smoochie baby with a big smoochie-smoochie face,

with smoochie lips and smoochie eyes...

Way to go, Mr. mayor. That'll get us on the front page.

Let's get out of here. My whole body's chafing.

Oh! Vote Winston!

I'll be right with you, sir.

Hey, hey! Somebody stop that!

Whoa!

Agh!

(BARKING)

(GRUNTS) Seals!

Seals! Seals!

Actually, they're sea lions.

Seals have more pronounced ear flaps.

I wish I had ear flaps.

Hey, buddy. You're a hero!

Let me get some reporters over here.

No! No, no, don't do that. I'll get in trouble.

You don't work at the zoo, do you?

You're nuts, right?

A LITTLE.

(SEA LION BARKS LOUDLY)

The guys want you to cover for me.

You sure about that? Sure about that?

(HOWLING)

My baby! My baby!

Hey, buddy, wait.

Give us a picture with the baby.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Mike! Mike! Mike!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you. I only have one thing to say.

If you have not yet saved a baby,

I strongly suggest you do so.

Can I get you to sign this copy of your newspaper cover?

Sure. You know, for my mom.

What's her name? James.

Hey, this is amazing. I'm on the subway...

some woman tries to steal a pair of my underwear.

From your gym bag?

No.

That's why I wear 2 pair.

Funny. I thought that was a court order.

Last night was the greatest night of my life.

I walked into that bar, I... I was like a magnet.

People were coming up to me, buying me drinks, shaking my hand.

I woke up this morning... I had a hangover and a sore wrist.

Ha. Been there.

O.K. I gotta go do this TV show with the mayor.

Reschedule my conference call with the governor for 3:00.

But if the DNC can't push back to 8:00, make the governor at 5:00.

I'll stop by the dnc on my way back from coffee at the a.C.L.U.

Got it? Yeah, whatever.

I want you to watch Paul.

First one to my desk gets a free mallomar!

Thanks!

Mike, I'm gonna need a couple of hours off this afternoon.

Gotta get an MRI.

Don't get stuck in the tube.

Ha ha ha. "Stuck in the tube."

Ha ha ha. That's a good one, boss.

Untouchable.

You're not getting an MRI.

Yes, I am. MRI...

Movie, round of golf,

and if she's in the mood, intercourse with my wife.

Ugh.

I will get you.

Yeah. And if she's not in the mood, igloo pop!

Concerned mayor.

Thoughtful mayor.

Itty-bitty mayor.

All right, sir. We're going on earlier than we thought.

The good samaritan of the year can't make it.

Why not? He's in jail.

Apparently, he got all that good samaritan energy

from his cocaine importing business.

This city, I'll tell ya.

Somebody ought to do something.

Well, I'll see you onstage.

Mike, about this whole baby thing, uh...

Never got a chance to tell you how proud I am of you.

Yeah, well, you know. That's all right.

Mike?

Proud of you.

This is what I hear.

I know it sounds silly, but I grew up without an older brother,

and I guess I need... someone in my life to look up to.

Mike, you complete me.

James?

You had me at "proud."

I'm serious. There are a lot of fake heroes out there,

but it means a lot to me that my boss is a real one.

All right.

Oh, what are you looking at?

(WHISTLING "In the hall of the mountain king")

(WHISTLING A TUNE)

(BOTH STOP WHISTLING)

What ya doing, Stu?

You get a dog, I get a poster.

Just pretend the girl's a guy...

Mm-hmm. And the Ferrari's...

Some method of gay transportation.

Ha ha ha. Not in this house!

What are you doing? Leave it alone.

Coming down. Leave my poster...

Carter! I've had that poster since the seventh grade!

- What did you do? - (KNOCKING)

Do you know between your place and my place there are 9 bars?

Well, uh, 10, if... if you count the tenth.

Mike, it's not a good ti... thanks.

Carter, let me ask you a question.

What is your definition of a hero?

If you accept the classical Greek interpretation vis-a-vis homer in the iliad...

Carter, I know you're smart, O.K.?

Please don't vis-a-vis me tonight. Ah-ah!

Sorry, Mike. What's on your mind?

If all I'd done was skate after the baby, but I didn't catch the baby,

that would still be a heroic act, right?

No.

That would just be skating.

Well, I'm outta here.

No tears, no drama. Let's do this with class and dignity.

O.K. That's my suitcase.

Oh, I just knew you'd take the low road.

Stuart, what makes someone a hero?

I'd have to go with X-ray vision.

O.K. 0 for 2. Anybody else here?

No, just Carter.

Come on, Stuart!

Co...

what's that supposed to mean?

Look at this from his point of view.

This is obviously your apartment to begin with. You decorated this place yourself.

You have a... a dog.

He just feels like you're not treating him as an equal.

Mike, it's me, Carter.

Remember? I'm Mr. Equal.

(BEEP) CARTER: Hey. You've reached Carter's place.

Leave a message for Carter after the beep,

and Carter will get back to you.

Carter, out.

Maybe I can still catch him.

Hey, wait. We were having a conversation here.

Kill me.

What?

Help me out here, will ya? I'll hop down off the couch,

and you can push the TV over on me.

Lis... listen, uh... Little talking doggy.

I got my own problems here.

You have got to come clean, Mike.

You know what? You're right. You're absolutely right.

I owe you one.

Then kill me.

So... so that's it. That's the whole story.

The only thing I left out was that

sea lions eat herring all day, and yet their breath is minty fresh.

Makes you wonder.

Now, before you jump all over me,

I would just like it duly noted that I did try to save the baby,

and I only took credit as a favor to the other guy.

When you look at it that way, I don't even know what I'm apologizing for.

Mike, you spent the last 2 days milking this thing for all it was worth.

Let's not nitpick.

The bottom line is, if you're looking for a hero to write about,

the guy on the right puts his butt on the line for this city every day.

Of course, I mean my right, your left.

So now there's nothing left to do but introduce

the present and future mayor of New York City, Randall Winston.

I think the important thing here is not who did the saving,

but that a little life was saved...

The life of little baby...

Baby.

Now, any questions about my reelection?

ALL: Mr. mayor?

WOMAN: I have a question.

My crutches.

Where are my crutches?

Looking for these?

Give me those crutches, you witch! No. No way.

No way! No. Give them to me!

Mike, come here! See what Paul's really made out of!

You're dead.

Gaaghh!

(GROANING)

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Jeez, Paul, that ankle isn't looking any better.

Why don't you, uh, take the rest of the day off?

Ha! I win again!

That's right, Paul, you're a big winner.

You freak.

You O.K., Michael?

Oh, yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I be?

Well, because that reporter did refer to you

as the Milli Vanilli of modern politics.

Actually, sir, I... I had already left,

so I hadn't heard that.

Until now.

(CLEARS THROAT) I would imagine it's...

It... it's hard being behind the scenes

while I'm... up front getting all the attention.

Well, you know what, sir?

I like this chair.

You know? I... I... I'm comfortable in it.

But, you know, you sit in one chair long enough,

you do start to wonder what other chairs feel like,

even though you know your chair...

Is the right chair for you.

Are you trying to tell me to get back with my ex-wife? 'Cause I'm not gonna do it.

Anyway, sir, what I'm saying...

Is even though I love my job,

you know, sometimes I... I... I...

I do wonder if I'm missing anything.

Mike, look out that window.

We preside...

Over the greatest city in the world.

Sir, that's new Jersey.

Mr. mayor, Heidi Klum is here to see you.

Mr. mayor, it is an honor.

Well, the pleasure's all mine.

Why, you're even lovelier in person than...

I've never seen you before.

Let's get this photo.

O.K., just, uh, smile and say "jeez."

Mike, uh, why don't you get in this picture?

Oh, no, you go ahead, sir. No, no, I insist.

(CHUCKLES)

It's a little better composition.

How're we doing? Are we comfy?

Sure. And who are you again?

Oh, I'm just the guy behind the guy.

See, sir? My 15 minutes are up.

Is it straight?

I'd say it's so straight

it's probably overcompensating for something.

Hey, where's our little flea bag?

Mom, I'm comin' home.

Oh! Rags!

Rags?

You could've killed yourself.

Aw...

I'm gonna take an enormous dump on your shirt.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.

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