Original subtitles

Are the teamsters gonna settle this with the film commission?

It's hard to say, Mike. I don't think they take us seriously as mediators.

That's ridiculous. We represent the mayor.

We should always be taken seriously.

Go!

Yes! We got 'em! We got 'em!

Whoaaaaaaaa!

We're gonna take you!

Janelle!

Bear right, bear right! Bear right!

We're gonna win, we're gonna win!

Oh, Mike. Yes, sir!

Aaaggggghhhhh!

am I interrupting something?

Oh, no. Just business, sir.

Owwwwwwww!

It hurts!

On a plus note, I think we should all applaud James

for his plan to distribute pamphlets

to homeless people, letting them know

the locations of shelters

during these cold winter months.

Thanks, Mike.

On a minus note, James,

your plan to mail

the pamphlets to the homeless...

Seems to have some flaws.

I can't believe the mayor's book

is still on the best-seller list.

Were you reading during the entire morning meeting,

or just this last part?

Huh?

The publishers have signed the mayor to write another one.

I know. I convinced him to skip the ghostwriter this time-

just write it himself.

What?

The mayor doesn't write. Ever?

For speeches we have James, for correspondence we have janelle,

and for his signature we have a really cool rubber stamp.

So that personal note I got

from him on my birthday...

Mike, maybe we should let the mayor try to write it.

The last thing the mayor wrote by himself

was his mother's eulogy.

His mother's rhyming eulogy.

Funerals are a great place to meet women.

I mean, if a guy dies, you know there's gotta be

at least one single chick there.

Excuse me. Uh, did someone here destroy a chair

on city hall premises this morning?

Is whoever did it gonna get in trouble?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm not gonna turn Paul in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! First of all,

those chairs are clearly defective.

The minute they hit 20 miles an hour, the wheels fly off.

Uh-huh.

Nice humidor, sir.

I got it at an auction.

Belonged to Kennedy.

Very pricey.

I'm sure it was worth it.

I mean, after all, it is a... wooden box.

So how goes the book, sir?

Oh, wonderful. I'll tell you one thing about writing, Mike.

I can't do it.

It's no problem, sir.

You give them back the money from the advance.

I can't.

Why not?

You did see the humidor.

Maybe I should just call up the publishers

and ask them what they want.

I wouldn't do that, sir.

Mike? He's here.

Listen, I have kind of a pressing appointment,

but I thought you might run into a roadblock,

so I asked someone to drop by.

Hello, sir. Mike.

Randall.

Donald!

Mr. Trump here wrote the art of the deal,

he wrote a new best seller, the art of the comeback.

2 books. Wow!

Well, sit down.

Well, that must have been-

...tough coming up with that much material.

No.

It must have been hard getting started.

First day, 9 chapters.

9 chapters.

You should call your next book the art of not helping.

So, doc. You married?

No, I haven't met the right girl yet.

Bit of advice? When you do,

you might wanna go with a lighter touch.

So...

Is there anything else besides trouble urinating?

Amazingly, I've been able to panic

with just the one symptom.

Having trouble urinating

should always send up a red flag.

Do you have to, uh, do you have to say

"trouble urinating" in front of...

Samantha.

Samantha. Thank you.

Couldn't you mask that a little?

Couldn't you, you know,

say "trouble drawing water from the well"?

If you wanna get technical, "trouble making wee wee"?

Now, look. Just because we're talking about your prostate,

I don't want you to immediately assume the worst.

Hey, listen, I love talking about my prostate.

It's a real icebreaker at parties.

Mr. Flaherty...

Doc, I have to assume the worst.

It's the kind of guy I am.

Fine. Cancer is a possibility.

Wow. O.k., uh...

Wow. I can't believe I could have...

I know this must be really difficult for you.

I know it's hard to even say the word.

No, I can say cancer. That's my sign.

I just can't have cancer.

I'll know a lot more when I get the p. S. a. Tests back tomorrow.

Just leave us a urine sample before you go.

Oh, I always do,

whether you ask for one or not.

Paul, is Mike back yet?

No, no, no, he's not, sir.

Listen, sir. If you need any help with your literary undertaking,

I'd be more than happy to lend my services.

Well, thank you, Paul.

Maybe I'll have you xerox some stuff for me.

Ha ha ha. That's very funny. But seriously, sir.

I just wanted to let you know

that I really loved your last book,

even though I was the only one of your staff who wasn't mentioned.

Weren't you in the picture from the Christmas party?

No, I was the unidentified man

standing next to the mayor's chauffeur, Klaus spergan.

Klaus, now he had some good stories.

Oh, come on, mr. Mayor, please!

Use me. I'm sure that my stories

are every bit as interesting and exciting as his.

You know, Klaus used to be Jimmy hoffa's driver.

I'm gonna get some water.

Remember that guy mark from Alaska?

He said, "I will call you tomorrow. "

That was like a month ago.

Sometimes in Alaska the sun never sets,

and so his tomorrow...

Could be your February.

Mike, Mike, we have a problem.

The printer we wanted for the superintendent's banquet

won't go down on his price.

Maybe you should worry less about money

and more about what's truly important,

like love, family.

The beauty in nature.

Mike, I set up the interview for you and the mayor tomorrow.

Oh, and he wants to see you the second you get back.

Second I get back.

Well, Stacy, you know that second?

That second's already gone.

and another one.

That was 2.

Hello.

Hello.

"For assistance ring Bell. "

Yes, can I help you?

We're here about the chair.

Unfortunately, you've chosen to requisition

one of the most elusive items in my inventory.

ah, that's Benjamin.

he's my gigapet.

That's one of those little toys.

Oh, it's no toy.

His needs are every bit as real as yours or mine.

He has to eat, sleep, play, and be disciplined.

oh, yes, you do.

Didn't I flush your head in High school?

That's very funny.

Maybe you can think of more funny things

while you're standing next to your desk.

This guy's good.

Stacy, is Mike in there?

And if so, why isn't he in my office?

Well, Mike told me that if he wasn't in his office,

he'd be in your office.

Oh.

Where do I go?

Aaaaggggghhhhh!

We're in the middle of a crisis here!

Yeah, o. k., well, then lock the door and turn out the lights.

I called my publisher.

I told you not to do that, sir.

Well, I needed a little direction, and they panicked!

They wanna see some pages tomorrow.

Did they specify whether the pages had to have any writing on them?

Come on, Mike. How're you gonna fix this for me?

With all due respect, sir, you made your bed.

You gotta lie in it.

Look, Mike, I'm telling you that I need you,

and I don't think I'm out of line

to expect your help here.

Maybe it's not fair, but that's why you're here.

You're my deputy. Now come on, let's make a night of it.

It'll be fun.

You don't need a jacket. My office is warm enough.

Good night, mr. Mayor.

Mike!

Guess it's just you and me tonight, sir.

Morning, janelle. I said I'd drop by early

and help the mayor with his book.

Actually, Mike, he's asleep.

Come on, janelle. We're hours away

from the mayor's nap time.

I'm not kidding, Mike. He was up all night worrying about his book.

Did he write anything?

"Tell Mike I'm asleep because I was up all night

worrying about the book. "

Do I hear movie rights?

Thanks, janelle.

Did he look like he felt guilty?

I don't know.

Well, did you tell him I was up all night worrying?

I told him. Listen, mr. Mayor, I don't like lying for you.

I know, janelle, and I don't like you having to lie for me.

I am so sorry.

It's o. k., sir.

Good.

Oh, cancel my dinner for tonight.

I don't care what excuse you use. Make something up.

We still haven't gotten any chairs?

We are splitting this one.

So come on, ladies. Out with it.

Whose butt takes up more space?

It's like a chess game.

You have to learn to think ahead.

hey, Mike. Can you believe the size of this thing?

It there's anybody in the stalls,

he's talking about his toothbrush.

You know, it's a funny thing.

The mayor and I were once at this fund raiser.

And you think it would be perfect for the mayor's book.

Oh, Mike, would it hurt so much for him to put me in?

One funny anecdote, one mention of me,

and the whole world'll want to read about my life.

I already got a title for it-

the Paul lassiter story.

Why don't you just save yourself some time

and call it the 99 cent bin?

Listen, I'll talk to the mayor later, and I'll, uh...

I'll put in a good word.

Paul, what are you looking at?

What, you got stage fright or something?

I'm sorry. Were you expecting a show?

I was expecting tinkling, and I got curious.

Look, sometimes I- I just

have a little trouble getting started, all right?

Gee, that sounds serious.

All right, Paul. If you don't stop staring,

I'm gonna hit you over the head with it.

What, that's it?

You're just gonna give up like that?

What are you, knute rockne?

I don't need a pep talk here, o. k.?

Mike, you should see someone!

I already did!

I'm waiting to hear.

If you breathe a word to anybody-

no one, no one, no one. I'm just glad that you were able

to respect me enough to share it with me.

No problem, Buddy.

hi. I'm Nikki.

Be sexy.

I'm being sexy.

That works for you?

Watch and learn.

So what you doing, Walter?

Smelling the markers.

It's the only way to tell if they're truly fresh.

Forget about the markers.

I...

I've met a lot of men in my day,

but none of them, none of them haunt me

the way you do.

How about giving a nice girl a chance?

And a chair?

N- I, darling.

Not interested.

Well, that was educational.

Clearly we are not what he is looking for.

Hi, there.

Is this about the chair?

This is about you and me.

It is?

Walter, I was hoping maybe you and I could, uh...

You know, perhaps we might, uh...

if you'll excuse me,

I just hit a new low, and I really need to go examine my life.

Mike, aren't you supposed to be at that interview with the mayor?

No, that hasn't started yet. The mayor's asleep.

No, he's not. He just went into his office.

No, that can't be. He's napping.

He was up all night. He was working on his book.

Last night? No, he left 5 minutes after you did.

Stacy, do you mind? 'Cause I'm getting a little Dizzy here.

Besides, maybe-maybe you only thought he left, hmm?

Maybe.

But I doubt it, 'cause he gave me a ride home.

And it cost me a fortune, too.

Oh, you must be Mike.

I'm Betty simms for the new York examiner.

Just a second, Betty.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I would have come sooner, but I didn't want

to interrupt your nap.

That is, if you did take a nap.

Oh, I took one.

So what's this piece about?

We're doing a feature

on the great power teams in new York.

I was just telling Betty

how we complement each other's strengths.

Oh, you mean how one of us is candid and forthcoming

and the other is squirrelly and passive-aggressive?

How does this work day to day?

Well, as the mayor, I sometimes look to my deputy

to assist me in some trivial matter.

That doesn't sound unreasonable, does it, Betty?!

No. No, not at all.

Why'd you decide to go into politics, mr. Mayor?

That's actually a good story.

I should put that in my book.

Yeah, that'll happen.

Mr. Mayor, I can imagine you're under a lot of pressure

what with the enormous responsibility of running the city.

I'm sorry. Did you say something, Mike?

Oh, no, not me, partner.

Didn't think so, teammate.

Oh, picture.

Do you believe this guy?

No. He has absolutely crossed the line.

Who are we talking about?

The mayor. He's mad at me

for not helping him with his book.

What the hell business does this guy have

writing an autobiography, anyway?

I mean, that's something you do at the end of your life.

He's too young for that.

He shouldn't be looking back, taking stock, doubting choices.

I mean, he should be looking ahead, damn it.

He's sitting around wondering what the last chapter

of his life is gonna be.

The mayor is at the age when he should be thinking

about settling down, raising a family.

50?

Well, that's good news for Nikki.

Mike, I, uh... I minored in psychology.

It's pretty clear you're not talking about the mayor.

You're talking about yourself.

I am not.

Plus Paul told us.

It was burning a hole in me, Mike.

Well, Paul, a whole 8 minutes.

That's a new record for you.

Not really. It only took him 4 minutes

to tell us that Carter was an extra

in the buns of steel video.

Come on, Mike. Talk.

Well, I've been thinking about it a lot.

I think it's a good thing.

This is the most self-aware I've been in years.

It's a wake-up call

to how I've been living my life.

It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

You're lying.

I know. I'm so scared,

I want to wet myself...

But I can't.

why don't you fire her up,

take her for a spin, see how she feels?

I just wanted to see the world the way you do, sir.

And?

And I like it.

Now get out.

You know, I'm afraid that reporter's

not gonna write a very flattering piece about us, Mike.

Yeah, we did get to a pretty petty place this afternoon.

No, I called her up later,

and I said some more nasty things about you.

I know. I was actually on hold while you were talking.

Well, that's all old news.

We're o. k. Now, aren't we, sir?

Mike, why wouldn't you tell me

what you were going through?

How'd you hear?

Well, I wouldn't wanna betray Paul's confidence.

I just talked to the doctor-

benign.

Just your regular garden-variety prostatitis.

He said it was probably brought on by stress.

Stress. From what?

I don't know, sir.

I'm thinking maybe it's my home life.

Well, I can't tell you how relieved I am.

So how are you gonna celebrate?

I figured I'd go out, get a 6-pack, drink it, and pee like a racehorse.

Yeah. It's-it's always

about me first, isn't it, Mike?

I mean, your life, your problems-

they just never seem to come up.

Well, I don't want it that way.

This is a two-way street.

I insist upon it.

It's a deal, sir.

Now, about my book.

Yeah, go ahead.

Walter, you know we're still waiting for those 2 chairs.

I'm afraid that subject is as closed

as a number 4 binder clip.

A little supply humor for you.

oh, no. Benjamin!

What have you done with him?

I hate to see anything suffer.

And little Ben...

he won't stop crying...

Unless... tell him, Stuart.

Unless I shake him!

No, no, that's- I'll get the chairs.

Uh-oh.

Can you give these little fellas c. p. r.?

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

moo.

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