Original subtitles

What are we going to do, Mike?

The mayor and Paul take off to Miami for 3 days,

we have absolutely no explanation.

3 words... Spring break fever.

He missed the state of the city speech.

He missed the city council meeting.

He didn't miss the wet t-shirt contest.

everybody listen. Center yourselves.

All right, everyone close your eyes.

I want you to picture yourselves lying on a beach. O. K?

There's a soothing breeze that is carrying these words to you.

We... can... handle... this.

Are you there?

You on the beach?

I could never afford this place.

There are no Black people here.

I am so not ready for bathing suit season.

Thank God you're not wearing one.

Settle down, settle down. Settle down, please.

You're probably all wondering why the mayor took

a brief, unannounced trip to Florida this week.

Well, I have that answer for you.

The mayor has a friend who...

Was in serious trouble.

What kind of trouble, Mike?

Well, this friend... If you must know...

Had a...

A nervous breakdown.

Come on, Mike. Who was with the mayor in Miami?

He was with me. We almost caught a fish.

What?

What?

We gotta fix this.

They think I had a nervous breakdown.

Paul, worse case scenario,

you can't buy firearms for 2, 3 years.

Oh, this is not good, this is not good.

You protected the mayor, Paulie.

And whether you meant to or not,

I'm still proud of you.

Nothing's gonna change around here.

No one's gonna treat you any differently.

Hey, Mike. Nut job.

Mike, the post called.

They want to know if and when Paul's gonna be replaced.

Paul who?

Oh, God.

I said I would handle this.

We get you a shrink, and you know what he'll say?

This'll only hurt for a second.

Bzzzt!

He'll say you had a bad day, that's it,

a single, solitary bad day.

Hey, we all have bad days.

Exactly. James, I need

print, tv, and radio releases for this.

Mike, that's gonna take forever.

I have a date tonight.

Carter, I'm gonna need some research on short-term depression.

Mike, I was really looking forward to this.

I suggest you start by interviewing James.

And the press seem to be buying it?

Oh, yeah.

Turns out they had a pool

on when Paul was gonna break down.

Damn journalists.

Did I win anything?

Off by a few months, sir.

Look, Mike, Helen's lawyer

is gonna be coming along any minute.

It's gonna be a very simple divorce.

All I want to keep are my golf clubs...

And this portrait of my mother.

Whoa.

That's a handsome woman, sir.

Anyway, the rest can all go to Helen.

Well, uh, sir, shouldn't you be

discussing this with your attorney?

You did go to law school, did you not?

Well, yes, sir, but come on.

Who didn't?

The last thing we need is some High profile attorney

milking this thing for publicity.

sir, as much as I would

love to represent you, I don't see how I can find the time

to possibly...

Hello. Mr. Mayor.

Yes.

I'm Laurie paris. I represent your wife.

Hi.

I'm Mike Flaherty.

I'm the mayor's lawyer.

And there's nothing you can do?

I see.

No, thank you.

Apparently, it's not illegal to be naked

in front of a big picture window.

Big plans tonight?

This newlywed couple moved into apartment across from mine,

and they have not stopped... Shall we say

celebrating their nuptials?

How do you know they're newlyweds?

Oh, they have cans tied to their legs.

I'm guessing, James.

What do you know?

It sounds like our mr. Open-minded Carter here

just might be a tiny bit heterophobic.

No, no. Not at all.

Some of my best friends are heterosexual.

At least, they think they are.

If you just step into my office,

I have to take care of some very important,

pressing, urgent

government business. I'll be right...

Ruthie, how are my teeth?

All clear.

How's my breath?

O.k., never do that again.

Gum, please.

I don't what it is about this woman.

I can't remember the last time

my hands were this sweaty.

It's a good thing I'm wearing cashmere.

Thank you.

Got it.

This is you and president Clinton?

Oh, bill.

He's a good guy.

So, where did we leave off back at the mansion?

Oh, well, you said I should drop by your office sometime

to see the picture of you and the president.

Well, then...

Check.

The first thing I'm gonna need

is a list of assets.

Well, I'm witty, well-read.

I was thinking more along the lines

of the mayor's material assets.

Got that...

Right here.

Ask her where she's from.

Fine out what she's interested in,

hobbies, etc.,

um... excuse me.

These are just my notes from, uh...

When I was a game show host.

Look at you. You're blushing.

I am not.

You might wanna go a little easier on the Rouge then.

You think?

For fall?

Well, either way, I think it's very cute.

So...

So, uh...

We should get back, you know, to...

Whatever it is we were doing.

Divorce.

Divorce, that's right.

I'm a divorce lawyer.

I'm the deputy mayor.

How's that going for you?

Very well.

Listen, Laurie, I was thinking,

maybe, uh, sometime you and I could get together...

You know, I have this one steadfast rule.

Don't date opposing council.

It's really just a matter of personal integrity.

But you're a lawyer.

Running off to Miami the day I moved in

is no way to start our life together.

The mayor made me do it.

I don't understand, Paul.

Why are you so afraid of committing to me?

It's not just you. I'm afraid of committing, period.

You see this suit?

I started with the green one. Then boom, I change it.

Then I change it again. The only thing left of my original outfit

are these socks.

They don't match.

There's the Claudia candor that I missed.

We are not hunky dory here.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

There.

No. No.

This is one problem those silky lips

can't solve.

Paul, you hurt me.

We have trust issues now.

Nuh-uh! I trust you.

Oh.

This is really hard for me,

but I think we need to take a break right now.

I'm sorry about this, doc.

Paul seems to be running a little bit late.

Believe me, I'm used to it.

People put off going to the psychiatrist

the same way they put off going to the dentist.

And then, one day, pfft!

You're nuts.

So, how is business? Good?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

How are you doing?

What's that supposed to mean?

No, I was just making small talk.

'Cause you know, I'm, uh...

I'm the kind of guy, if I have a problem...

I like to take care of it myself.

Self-reliant.

That's the way I am. Always have been.

You know you want to.

I met this girl.

Well, this is a new one.

We're really connecting.

But we're working together professionally, and she...

Feels dating would be inappropriate right now?

Right. But ever since I was a kid...

You've acted on your feelings

the moment you've had them?

Doc, do you mind?

Because it's really hard for me to open up.

Well, this is not difficult.

You're crowding her.

Don't press things.

You'll just ruin it.

Yeah.

Well.

I don't see a ring on your finger.

Oh, hey, Paulie.

You're just in time.

I leave you in the capable hands of dr. No love.

You're welcome.

Well, let's sit you down

and get you pronounced sane.

It's really just a formality.

My whole life is falling apart.

Why? Why? Why?

oh...

So you went to wellesley.

Why does every guy smile like that

when they find out I went to an all-girls school?

I don't know. Maybe we, uh...

Just imagine your study groups.

All of you huddled up

in a candlelit dorm room...

Wearing nighties.

Feeding each other grapes.

Try sweat pants and eating pizza.

It still works.

We should probably start with the motion in limine.

Excellent. The young Lady will have

the motion in limine.

Mike, I told you I wouldn't feel comfortable

dating someone I was working with.

Laurie, we're two people, we're sitting here,

we're discussing a divorce. This is not a date.

Not yet. Not yet.

Mike, I asked you for one simple thing...

Just let's get through this case...

And you couldn't even respect that.

I have a valid excuse.

I didn't think you meant it.

Here I am walking you through this,

going easy on you because it's been so long

since you've actually practiced law in any way...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy... on me?

I'm gonna be honest with you, Laurie.

I'm sitting here thinking maybe my 6-year absence from the law

makes this fair.

O.k. That's it.

Kid gloves are off.

Oh, what is that, a threat?

'Cause I gotta tell you... oh, I'm shakin'!

Well, you should be. I do this every day of my life.

And you just ordered my first motion as an appetizer.

Bye, mother!

Don't you worry, sir. We'll get your mom back.

That's what father used to say.

Thank you.

Now what?

Uh, that was the psychiatrist.

Ahem... apparently...

Paul's been committed.

So any luck getting my stuff back?

Ah, no, sir. Not yet.

But we've launched our own offensive...

We have most of Helen's summer wardrobe.

What am I gonna do with 50 sun dresses?

Frankly, sir, that's your own business.

We have counterpunched, though.

Mike, so, uh,

Paulie's doing o. k. Over there?

Oh, yeah, uh... oh! You know what?

That was really nice sending your old Teddy bear over there.

Well, mr. Snuggles always cheered me up when I was feeling blue.

Unfortunately, they had to...

Rip out mr. Snuggle's eyes.

They were afraid Paul might choke on 'em.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Well...

What a nice surprise.

Look, Mike, I think we need to recognize

we've gotten into a really petty place here.

She's not happy about the dresses, is she?

It's 90 degrees out.

She's at the equestrian center in a velour jumpsuit.

I hope this humidity doesn't get any worse,

'cause that velour... That doesn't breathe.

There are a few items on the property settlement

that are still unaccounted for,

such as the mayor's golf clubs.

I know nothing about them.

Well... whose clubs are these?

Those are mine.

Would you, uh, mind showing me

how you use this?

Yeah.

Beginner.

Look at this. Encyclopedia of psychological disorders.

It's not even here. There's no mention of heterophobia!

Maybe you're the first case.

Jeez, you'd think it would be as common as fear of flowers!

My dad has that.

Very sad.

Makes funerals that much tougher on him.

I'm not supposed to be out of the main area.

Paul, mental health is a lifelong journey.

However, you have 90 seconds until your exit interview, so shut up and listen.

They'll ask some basic questions, Paul.

Who the president is, what day of the week it is.

Oh, my God! How long have I been in here?!

I just think we should discuss

some things to steer clear of:

Suicide, your mother.

Your theory on who built the pyramids.

I'm telling you, chimps are tool users!

What could mrs. Winston possibly want

with the mayor's cigars?

She finds it really helps her enjoy the mayor's cognac.

Well, that's not very nice.

I'm not paid $200 an hour to be nice.

Yeah? Well, I'm not paid...

A different amount...

To be your patsy, o. K?

Those cigars were a gift to the mayor

from the president of Ecuador,

therefore is separate property and not subject to marital division.

I think someone spent last night brushing up on his property law.

That would be a comment of a personal nature,

and therefore inappropriate to these proceedings.

Give us back the stogies.

Come on, I've had enough. Can we stop this?

No, no, no. Next item up for bids:

Mrs. Winston's eye creams.

The mayor wants 'em.

he wants 'em bad.

What if I told you

you're really adorable when you're angry?

Also a comment of a personal nature.

Also inappropriate to these proceedings.

And for the record, I'm not angry.

I'm pouting.

Mike! Sorry to interrupt.

Mike?

Ahem.

Hey.

Not in a million years.

O.k.

Mike, uh...

Little problem on the South Florida front.

Well, I guess we're all finished.

Ah... no.

No, we're not.

I think you're amazing,

and I can't believe I screwed up and asked you out

when you expressly asked me not to.

And I am praying that when this divorce thing is over

and we're not working together anymore,

you will see fit to forgive me...

Because you knock me clear to the moon.

There.

I'm done.

Wow. Ha.

One other thing.

I can't believe how much money you make.

That is so cool.

They're saying that Paul's breakdown in Miami was a lie,

that it was just two guys on a vacation.

Let me at 'em. I'm ready to face the reporters.

I appreciate that, Paul, but you may want to take off that bracelet first.

Oh, right, because I'm not crazy.

Can someone hide Paul?

Come on, Paul. Everything's gonna be o. k.

I'm not crazy.

Oh, I know you're not.

I'm not. I'm not!

This is not hard. Your alibi just got wheeled outta here.

Just let the press know about Paul's little stay in the cracker barrel,

and we are home free!

No. It's one thing to go up there and say the guy had a bad day.

It's an entirely different thing to say

his dinner entree for the last 3 nights has been pudding.

It's been a rough time lately,

what with the press scrutiny and the breakup with Claudia

and being observed by High school students on their field trip.

What you have been through. Hmm.

Tch, tch, tch.

See you tomorrow, Paul.

Well, speaking of problems, sir,

I gave Claudia the apartment,

so I have no place to stay.

Sure is a big mansion.

Well, it seems big, Paul, but there is just the one bedroom.

Really?

Because with all these hallways,

I never would have guessed.

Well, that's architecture for you, Paul.

Bye!

And don't you worry about me, sir.

The hospital gave me a whole bottle of happy pills

to cheer me up, so I'll be fine.

Wait a minute. These are aspirin.

Who took my antidepressants?

# Oh, the shark, babe #

# has big teeth, dear #

whoo!

# And he keeps them #

# pearly white... #

I, uh, uh... Have a question, Mike?

I got an answer for you.

13!

Shoot from the West side.

You wanna go right down the West side highway...

It takes you right across to my house.

You're on every channel.

You're like Lucy.

If anyone had asked you how to get to the statue of liberty,

you would have been arrested.

You guys are missing the point. Look at this.

Look at this.

I am on... Every channel.

There's no mayor. There's no Paul.

There's no South Florida. This is great!

The only down side to this

is, you know, everyone thinks I'm a freaking loon!

And you can live with that?

It's no picnic, Mike.

I'll have this cleared up in the 11:00 news.

Tragic case of mislabeled medication. Power of prescription drugs.

Call for better regulation.

The power of persuasion.

Making people believe what I want them to believe.

That's what I do. It is my gift.

So...

That's what you were doing with me this afternoon?

Laurie. I... wow.

You... you have, uh, really delicate footsteps.

You knock me clear to the moon.

I cannot believe I fell for that.

No, I meant that.

I did, every... Every... every word,

uh, because... Because you do.

I'm sorry. I wasn't really listening.

I was trying to imagine where my apartment was on your chest.

Ooh, I've never seen anything like that.

Me neither.

And I grew up on a farm.

That guy has got a huge...

Apartment.

No. Carter, you don't have a problem.

That is just disgusting.

You're not just saying that to make me feel better?

No. You gotta be a sick and twisted individual

not to be offended by something like that.

oh.

Thank God!

It wasn't me.

I'll let myself out.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

moo.

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