Original subtitles

Just the man I want. You went to catholic school.

St. Mary's. 12 horrible years.

I still have limited use of my knuckles.

Remember a sister Margaret?

She was the ringleader. Scary, awful, monster of a woman.

Well, she speaks highly of you, too, Paul.

She's coming by here later. She's having problems with her neighborhood.

I said you would talk to her about them.

Never. Not in a million years.

Correct answer was "yes, I'd love to,"

and good morning, sister.

Good morning, sister?

Hello, Paul.

morning. What could I do for you, sister Margaret?

Start by telling me why I never see you at church anymore.

I- I joined a different parish.

And who's your priest?

Father o'... Connor?

O'leary?

O'Cohen?

Oh, my.

You're lyin'.

Oh, God.

Now you've taken the lord's name in vain.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. Oh, God! I did it again.

Oh, God- oh! I can't stop.

Oh, God. I can't stop! Oh, ga-ga-ga-God...

Sister, I'll take care of this for you.

Hopefully, it's not too transparent an attempt to attract voters.

We got the go-ahead on that free concert, Madison square garden.

Maxwell, Travis and Johns

are going to reunite for one night only.

Didn't they play at Woodstock?

So what? They've gotta be, like, 90 years old.

Why don't we just reunite the Andrew sisters?

Hey, back off, man! M.t. j. Rocks.

When I was 15, my mom drove me

to the concert in Madison. Let me guess.

You went to the concert, the band "rocked,"

you bought a $65 t-shirt, and screamed like an idiot

when the band said, "hello, Wisconsin!"

Were you there?

Ok, then. Meeting is adjourned.

I say, meeting is adjourned.

What?

Are you going to break up with Carrie?

When did it become office policy

to review my personal life?

You started it, Mike. When you became single,

all you wanted to do was talk and talk and talk.

It was kind of like a soap opera.

First it was really, really irritating.

But you listen to enough of it,

and all of a sudden, boom! You're hooked.

So, today on

"deputy mayor in heat... "

All right.

I like Carrie a lot,

but she walks that fine line

between incredibly intense

and borderline loopy.

So I'm afraid tonight I'll have to break up with her.

Hold on a second. Paul couldn't be here.

He asked me to tape it.

Ok. One last item:

I'm having a secret meeting

tomorrow morning

without Paul.

I'd like you all to show up

around 5 a. m.

4:30 is better for me, Mike.

That's you and me at the duck pond.

Don't we look happy?

Oh, yeah. Very.

Very happy. Happy.

Happy us.

What's going on with you, Mike?

You're all nervous.

No, no.

Oh! Gosh. Boo!

See? Come on, lighten up.

I can hear your heart beating.

I think my heart has stopped.

ok. What did you want to say?

Ok. All right. Here it goes.

Carrie, I just, I feel very strong-

can we move that?

The glare is really killing me.

There, there. All better.

Ok. You were saying?

Here it goes. I think that...

Ok, now it's just staring at me.

Ok. You're having trouble with conversation starters.

I've got one!

I'm ready to have children,

and I think you'd make a great father.

Questions? Comments?

I've only known you for 3 weeks.

I mean, I...

Normally I don't discuss fatherhood

or kids until...

Never.

I am too old to go down a very long road with someone

unless I am sure they're going to the same place.

W- w-what if we're not?

Well, then I guess

I'd have to break up with you.

Get outta town.

Are you... Are you serious?

I am totally serious.

Wow. Wow.

Well, then I...

I guess...

I guess it's over.

I can't believe you did this to me.

Oh, Mike, maybe we should think about it.

No, no, no, no... No, no.

No, no, no. That wouldn't be fair to you,

dragging it out like that.

No, no, no. No, you've got a schedule.

This just happened so fast.

I know. I just never saw it comin'.

Well, I gotta go.

Wait! Mike...

Just because we're not gonna spend

the rest of our lives together

doesn't mean we can't have

one more night together.

Wait. Wait.

You just broke up with me,

and now you want to...

What are you, a guy?

Wait a minute.

You dumped her and slept with her on the same night?

I mean, you're like James Bond.

Congratulations, Mike.

Yeah, we're so proud of you.

I was in a very vulnerable place last night, ok?

I'm ashamed of myself.

You just pulled down your own rebound, Mike.

Very few guys in our league

can score on a play like that.

I got a question.

Did you have sex before or after you broke up?

After.

I've got news for you, honey.

You didn't break up.

What's she talking about?

Any sex within 24 hours after the break-up

is technically make-up sex.

Technically, you made up.

No.

aw, I'm so glad that I was informed.

I wish somebody would just write down

all these rules for me.

I'll give you one.

Next time you want to end a relationship,

try letting the woman shake your hand.

Hey, Paulie. What's up? You look like hell.

There was no secret meeting, was there, Mike?

'Fraid not, Paulie.

Sorry about that.

it's tomorrow.

Sorry to keep you dudes waiting.

No problem, mr. Mayor.

This is wonderful tea.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

That's a rock 'n roll thing? That's good for the voice?

It keeps me regular.

Ok. Rock on.

I hope you don't mind me asking,

but why did you fellas break up in the first place?

That may be thin ice, sir. What?

That's all right. Uh...

We just lost sight of why we played music.

It became all about money.

So, you boys got those contracts?

Yeah.

Put your herbie hancocks right there.

Herbie hancocks. That's a little rock 'n roll humor.

yeah. It's a good one.

You see, I thought you broke up

because you, Kevin, write all the music

and the lyrics, but Johnny seems to get all the attention.

Yeah, always did have a knack for sticking' his face out front.

I don't deserve a little recognition?

Tell you what-

let's play "first one to sign the contract

gets a free picture of the mayor on his vacation. "

Oh, look, Johnny.

It's the same Island

you and your bimbo girlfriend stayed on

while I was holed up in the studio writing our last album.

I should have renamed that one

bite me, you ungrateful, self-centered jerk.

Well, hey, now,

we both know that wouldn't sell

a million copies.

I'm outta here.

Way to go with the picture, Mike.

Care for a cup of coffee, sister?

I take my strength from the lord, Paul,

not from some popular narcotic.

Now, tomorrow I'm coming with the entire parish

to talk about our security issues.

I want a plan for keeping those hooligans

off the property.

You could put a big picture

of yourself out front.

That might do the trick.

Carrie's here.

Oh! Just a minute, janelle.

Mike?

You look terrible.

There are going to be good days,

and there are going to be bad.

Why did you want to see me?

I guess I just... I had to know for sure

that it... It was really over.

I'm sorry, Mike. It is.

Well, that's ok. I just had to know...

For sure.

Shake?

You know, it's been tough on me, too.

I mean, I sat there last night.

I laid in bed all night

hearing nothing but the sound of that clock

next to my bed, counting away my life.

Tick, tick, tick.

And then I realized what I need to do.

Get a digital clock?

I can't wait any longer,

so I'm just gonna go ahead and have a baby on my own.

That's great.

Me? I'm gonna go out and have

a couple of beers with the guys, but...

We all handle grief in our own ways.

See? Your sense of humor. That's such a wonderful trait.

Ahh, that's why I'm so happy I'm having your baby.

Are you telling me that you're pregnant?

Nope. But I will be, thanks to you.

Wait, am I missing a step here,

because if you're talking about last night,

I took precautions-

we took precautions.

Let's just say I'm the kind of girl

that never throws anything away.

I put it in the freezer.

You froze my guys?!

I'm just here to get your blessing.

What am I, the pope?!

Don't yell at me. Those are my guys! I want them back!

All right, look, if you're gonna be all weird about this,

I'm just gonna leave. You can't do this!

Give me back my sperm!

How you guys doin'?

Crucified in the press.

My approval ratings have dropped overnight.

Get that band back together again.

My first priority, sir.

Ok. Mike's fertility clinic open for business.

Nikki. Medical. Go.

This particular insemination method can work,

although obviously it isn't popular amongst most women.

For one, they don't get dinner and cab fare home.

All right. Legal.

Basically, the rulings are confusing

and arbitrary,

referring to... lots of cases in books I couldn't find.

Keep in mind I'm not a lawyer.

Mike, that's Carrie on line 2.

Uh, Carrie. Hi.

Uh, yeah. Listen, uh... uh...

Put her on-put her- what? What?

Put her on hold! Trust me.

Put her on. Put her on hold.

Carrie, I'm just gonna put you on hold.

Mike, I was this close from getting into the CIA.

Trust me, we gotta treat this

like a hostage situation.

Lassiter here.

Yes, I am fully apprised of the situation.

Now, before we can even begin to talk,

as a show of good faith,

you have to release 1,

maybe 2 million of the hostages.

Kevin, I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this,

but I got some photographs of you and Elton John.

I think you might want them back.

I used those as Christmas cards in '84.

All right. That was my best shot.

Look, you gotta understand.

I got a lot going on right now.

I...

I had sex with this woman... Kevin...

And she wants to get pregnant.

She kidnapped my guys.

And she put 'em in the freezer.

That old story.

Oh, uh, James. Kevin Travis, this is James hobert.

He's the mayor's speech writer.

Hi.

I'm your... uh...

Yours... All your albums... I...

Anyway, if you're going to say no,

I dare ya. Say no to him.

* baby, baby *

* I love ya, baby **

that song changed my life.

Mine, too.

Went double platinum. I bought an Island.

I'm your biggest fan. I bought the vest

you wore on your first tour for $1,000.

Never worn a vest in my life.

Oh, God.

You're meeting with the lesbian activists tonight.

I've got sister Margaret, so I was wondering,

what do you say we trade? Ok?

My nuns for your lesbians.

They're not baseball cards, Paul.

And besides, what do you know about lesbians?

What do lesbians know about me?

This could be a fabulous opportunity.

To remind them why they're lesbians?

Carrie's on her way. I gotta go. You all know your assignments.

Carter, Stuart, you're with me. While I break into her apartment,

you hold the cab, you the elevator.

Nikki, you are plan "b. " distract Carrie with these.

Sperm bank pamphlets?

Yeah. It's a list of donors.

A fool's errand, but see if you can find somebody

who's got somethin' I don't.

Mike, I didn't get an assignment.

Yours is the most important job of all.

You stay here and look busy. Ok?

I gotta get going. By my precise calculations,

she should be here in 5 minutes.

Hi, dad.

Damn this watch.

Hi. Carrie, please, right this way.

Carter, Stuart, I have to take this meeting,

so I can't take the other meeting.

Could you take that meeting for me?

What meeting? I thought you were breaking into the apartment.

Now you understand why your role in the mission

is to stay here and look busy.

Carter, before you go,

I'm begging you, switch with me. Please! I'll do anything.

I can't believe you'd rather commit a felony

than talk to some nuns.

Just stand there while I get my bearings.

I have a very keen night vision.

In few moments, it's going to seem

like broad daylight in here.

Does this help?

Ow. Ow.

Ouch. No, my pupils were fully dilated.

I still can't get over that outfit.

You can stand and laugh, but when we're fleeing from the police,

which one of us will they notice first?

I'm guessin' the guy that looks like catwoman on steroids.

Come on. Let's get going. Watch out for your fingerprints.

Don't touch anything. Just unplug the refrigerator.

When she figures out what happened, it'll be too late.

I think I got it. I got it.

Oh. That's not it.

Grab the stuff and let's go.

You grab the stuff. I paid for the cab.

I picked the lock.

I broke the toaster!

oh, my God. We're gonna get caught.

Oh, God. I'll never see the light of day again.

Get the package.

What package?

Aaah! I'm panicking!

Every man for himself!

how'd it go, guys?

Tell him, Paul.

Tell him how you saved the day.

Is this it?

Welcome home, fellas.

Mike, that's frozen yogurt.

Mike, you gotta understand.

Mike, the bad news is you're going to be a father.

The good news is we saved you a teaspoon

of this fat-free frozen dessert treat.

Mike, please.

Understand. There were sirens

and they kept getting closer and closer-

and then what happened, Paul?

They kept getting farther and farther away.

All of you failed at your assignments.

No, no, no, Mike. Not me. I'm busy. Busy-busy.

Ok. Now, I know

that you really want to have a baby with someone,

and I know that you're afraid you won't find that person.

Hey, I'm afraid, too, but believe me when I tell you

one day you will, and you're gonna be

so, so happy that you waited.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Ok, you're nuts.

you padlocked the freezer.

Fine. I'm taking the whole thing with me.

could you hold the door for me?

Well, we did it.

How'd we do it?

Sir, he's got a daughter applying to colleges,

and once he found out my father was president of Yale,

things just fell into place.

I thought your father was a pharmacist.

Sir, with all due respect, do you wanna rock, or what?

Hey, Mike, how'd it go?

Just call me pops.

Can't you feel the excitement, Mike?

Oh, yeah, sir. A couple of hippies stumble out of retirement

and pad their investment portfolios.

Whoopee, sir.

This is more than some old hippies, Mike.

This is Clark, prado, and Conrad!

No. Those are your attorneys, sir.

new York city knows how to rock 'n roll!

And as a thank-you to our fans,

get ready for the biggest rock band in history

to give you the biggest light show in the history of rockdom!

Let's rock!

***

you're not supposed to hold the lighter up till the end of the show.

That is the end of the show, sir.

Power's out all over the city.

Everywhere? It's a tragedy.

I mean, the city can't exist

without its subways and its traffic lights, its...

Refrigerators.

We've got bigger problems than melting ice cream, Mike.

I don't, sir.

The power will be off for a while,

so we should get started.

This administration is very proud

of its open attitude towards alternative lifestyles.

Who you choose to share your bed with

or who you choose to shower with

or whatever is entirely your choice.

Consensual sex is entirely that.

Consensual. So, enjoy.

Uhh.

I'm sorry.

It's the wrong room.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

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