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1
00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:04,501
We had the greatest day.
2
00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:05,901
I laughed at all his jokes.
3
00:00:05,901 --> 00:00:07,634
I did the whole,
"you're so fascinating.
4
00:00:07,634 --> 00:00:10,167
Please continue talking
about yourself" gambit.
5
00:00:10,167 --> 00:00:12,300
I pulled out all the stops.
He still hasn't called.
6
00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:15,334
I'll take things I don't
care about for $100, Alex.
7
00:00:16,734 --> 00:00:17,767
Good morning.
8
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,334
Good morning.
Good morning.
9
00:00:19,334 --> 00:00:21,267
Gene, I really
enjoyed the mayor's chat
10
00:00:21,267 --> 00:00:23,400
with the transit
authority commission.
11
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,901
It was a very effective speech.
12
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:25,901
Thank you.
13
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,400
Can you do me a favor?
14
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,334
Read this line
I've circled there?
15
00:00:29,334 --> 00:00:31,400
"We're all so very proud
of our new unique-
16
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,868
unique new York, new
York, Newark connector. "
17
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,467
Took the mayor 25 minutes
to get through that.
18
00:00:37,467 --> 00:00:39,968
You might want to
read these things aloud,
19
00:00:39,968 --> 00:00:41,968
especially with
the arrival next week
20
00:00:41,968 --> 00:00:44,701
of the 6 sikh sheiks
from sheik-al sham.
21
00:00:44,701 --> 00:00:48,000
You're making that up, right?
22
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,634
Ok. Next item.
23
00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:52,300
The mayor's taping an episode
of counterpoint tomorrow.
24
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:54,367
We will make sure
that he is prepared.
25
00:00:54,367 --> 00:00:55,767
Superstores
in urban centers.
26
00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:57,567
Oh, I hate those stores!
27
00:00:57,567 --> 00:00:59,567
Last time I went to one,
28
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:02,033
I got lost for the better
part of a weekend.
29
00:01:02,033 --> 00:01:03,934
That's why we tie
a balloon to your wrist
30
00:01:03,934 --> 00:01:06,167
before we send you down
to the xerox room.
31
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,167
That center
they opened up in Brooklyn
32
00:01:08,167 --> 00:01:10,100
knocked out 8 mom and pop
hardware stores.
33
00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,400
That's a good issue.
34
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,200
These stores will provide
tax revenue to this city
35
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,400
in the amount of...
36
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,334
Ah, uh... every year,
it'll be...
37
00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:20,934
Jeez, we should know this.
38
00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:21,934
Ahem. Ahem!
39
00:01:21,934 --> 00:01:23,267
In a second, Paul.
40
00:01:23,267 --> 00:01:24,868
Ahem!
I want information:
41
00:01:24,868 --> 00:01:27,467
Exactly how much money
is the city's getting,
42
00:01:27,467 --> 00:01:29,467
how many jobs will be created,
43
00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:31,634
ahem! Ahem!
I want-I want to know
44
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:33,501
what you're chokin' on, Paul.
45
00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:36,033
Nothing. I got a tickle
in my throat.
46
00:01:36,033 --> 00:01:38,033
Paul's got the bug.
We've all had it.
47
00:01:38,033 --> 00:01:40,033
Not me.
And you know why?
48
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,434
Because I take over 40
vitamins and minerals a day.
49
00:01:42,434 --> 00:01:45,033
It's called a bowl
of total, Stewart.
50
00:01:45,033 --> 00:01:47,000
American's onto
your little secret.
51
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,934
You all get sick because you're weak.
Sickness is up here.
52
00:01:49,934 --> 00:01:52,934
The only thing that can fight
off a virus is hearty resolve.
53
00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:54,400
Are you with me, Paul?
54
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,334
I amb, bike.
55
00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:57,834
Feelin' strong?
56
00:01:57,834 --> 00:02:00,000
got the
strength of 10 men!
57
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,467
You like crackers
and ginger ale?
58
00:02:01,467 --> 00:02:02,601
Love 'em.
59
00:02:02,601 --> 00:02:04,634
Great. 'Cause you're
about 8 hours away
60
00:02:04,634 --> 00:02:07,367
from wishing to God
you could hold 'em down.
61
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:27,334
How you doin', honey?
62
00:02:27,334 --> 00:02:28,634
Uh-oh.
63
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:31,934
No, no, no.
Nothing to be afraid of.
64
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:33,934
Yes, there is.
You're lying to me.
65
00:02:33,934 --> 00:02:35,000
Not true.
66
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,968
You know Charlie Morris, right?
67
00:02:36,968 --> 00:02:40,000
Yeah. He's debating the mayor
tomorrow night on counterpoint.
68
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,534
Here it comes.
69
00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:45,067
I'm replacing him on the show.
70
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,033
What happened to Charlie?
71
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,100
We like Charlie.
72
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,033
Charlie's easy to deal with.
73
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,033
Charlie likes
a nice steak dinner.
74
00:02:53,033 --> 00:02:56,067
Well, Charlie should
lay off the red meat,
75
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:59,334
because Charlie went in for a
double bypass this morning.
76
00:02:59,334 --> 00:03:01,167
Ok. Note to self:
77
00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:04,634
Cancel Charlie's cheese-of-the-month
Christmas gift.
78
00:03:04,634 --> 00:03:07,167
Anyway. I just wanted
to let you know.
79
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:09,300
Hope it's not a problem for ya.
80
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,634
Why would it be
a problem for me?
81
00:03:11,634 --> 00:03:12,667
All righty, then.
82
00:03:12,667 --> 00:03:15,067
1... 2... 3.
83
00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:16,567
Hey, what are you, uh...
84
00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:19,601
What do you know about
superstores, anyway?
85
00:03:19,601 --> 00:03:21,567
You mean besides what I learned
86
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:23,601
during my 4-part series
on them last week
87
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,767
that you told me
you watched and loved?
88
00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:27,868
I taped them.
And I'm planning on loving them.
89
00:03:27,868 --> 00:03:30,133
Hello, Michael.
Miss schaeffer.
90
00:03:30,133 --> 00:03:33,000
No. You can understand if
I don't feel comfortable
91
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,734
consorting with my opponent?
92
00:03:35,734 --> 00:03:37,801
I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.
93
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,767
That's my game face, you see.
94
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:41,267
Pretty good, huh?
Huh?
95
00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:43,000
Want to see the other side?
96
00:03:55,968 --> 00:03:59,934
Nicky, you want to talk
to me about something?
97
00:03:59,934 --> 00:04:02,334
You see? I didn't have to say a word.
You knew.
98
00:04:02,334 --> 00:04:05,300
This is why I come to you.
You are so sensitive.
99
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,901
Ah, yes, sensitive.
100
00:04:06,901 --> 00:04:09,667
That's hetero-speak
for gay.
101
00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:12,734
No. I'm just saying
you know how men think
102
00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:15,501
because you are one,
but you also date men,
103
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:18,701
so you also understand what
a woman has to deal with.
104
00:04:18,701 --> 00:04:21,934
You're homosexual,
but you're bihelpful.
105
00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:23,567
Fair enough.
What's your problem?
106
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,067
He still hasn't called.
107
00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:26,634
I'm sorry.
I really am.
108
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,400
Nope. Nope. I need more.
I need to know why.
109
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,467
Ok. Give me a minute.
110
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:33,067
Wait. I'm getting
something...
111
00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:34,567
I'm getting something.
112
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,501
He's walking past a phone.
113
00:04:36,501 --> 00:04:38,567
He-he stops!
He stops!
114
00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,000
He's dialing your number.
115
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,000
The phone should be
ringing right about...
116
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,534
Now!
117
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:48,300
Oh, how cool that would have
been if it had happened.
118
00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:50,834
Forget it.
119
00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:53,167
Hey, come on.
Just trying to cheer you up.
120
00:04:55,534 --> 00:04:57,000
Poor Nicky.
121
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:01,167
Yeah. I wonder if
that guy has any idea
122
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,534
how much she likes him.
123
00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:06,033
Come on. How could a guy not
know when a girl was into him?
124
00:05:06,033 --> 00:05:08,033
I really like
your sweater, James.
125
00:05:08,033 --> 00:05:09,334
Thanks.
126
00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:13,534
My old girlfriend
gave this to me.
127
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:15,501
God, she was hot.
128
00:05:22,868 --> 00:05:25,267
Mike, my worst
fear has been confirmed.
129
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,601
coughing in my face
was your worst fear?
130
00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:35,367
No. That tickle has blossomed
into full-blown influenza.
131
00:05:35,367 --> 00:05:37,234
I got the shakes, the chills...
132
00:05:37,234 --> 00:05:39,501
Paul, you could tell me you
had the boogie-woogie fever,
133
00:05:39,501 --> 00:05:41,267
I'd still drag you
in there by your tongue.
134
00:05:41,267 --> 00:05:42,501
I can't talk, Mike.
135
00:05:42,501 --> 00:05:46,334
I feel like somebody stuck
a hairdryer in my mouth.
136
00:05:46,334 --> 00:05:50,067
Go take care of yourself.
Drink a bottle of moisturizer.
137
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:51,968
It's just a daily briefing.
I can handle it.
138
00:05:51,968 --> 00:05:54,367
Oh, you're a very kind
and generous man.
139
00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:58,767
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You go home, you count that as a sick day.
140
00:05:58,767 --> 00:06:00,334
Bless you, sir.
141
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:03,601
Good afternoon, class.
142
00:06:03,601 --> 00:06:06,000
My name is mr. Flaherty.
143
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,067
I'll be your substitute press
secretary for the afternoon.
144
00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:10,868
Let's kick off with questions.
145
00:06:10,868 --> 00:06:13,834
Yes.
Mike, any truth to the rumor
146
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:15,367
that the mayor's office
147
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:18,801
is considering changing city zoning
laws to bring in superstores?
148
00:06:18,801 --> 00:06:20,167
No comment.
149
00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:22,100
Meaning you haven't
done anything,
150
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:24,200
or that you're
withholding information?
151
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,367
Surprisingly, I have no
comment on my no comment.
152
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:29,033
Ok. Let's move on.
153
00:06:29,033 --> 00:06:31,033
The city hall Santa claus
154
00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:34,000
will be in the lobby all this
week between noon and 3:00.
155
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,501
Where do those hours
leave working mothers
156
00:06:36,501 --> 00:06:39,567
who want to take their
kids to visit Santa?
157
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:42,200
You'll have to check
with mrs. Claus
158
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,000
regarding Santa's schedule.
159
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,067
We have him from between
noon and 3 p. m.
160
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:48,934
So you're leaving them
no other option?
161
00:06:48,934 --> 00:06:54,834
Perhaps they can visit one of
the other 700,000 Santa clauses
162
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,334
in new York city.
163
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:58,367
We have him between
noon and 3:00.
164
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,667
Any other questions?
Please, someone else.
165
00:07:00,667 --> 00:07:02,667
Why don't you just call him?
166
00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:04,601
I can't.
I'm not a caller.
167
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,033
I'm a callee.
168
00:07:06,033 --> 00:07:08,534
I go out on a date.
I come home.
169
00:07:08,534 --> 00:07:10,133
I listen to my messages.
170
00:07:10,133 --> 00:07:11,467
It's a very nice life.
171
00:07:11,467 --> 00:07:12,968
But to be a caller?
No way!
172
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:15,067
You make that first phone call,
173
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,934
it's all down Hill from there.
174
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:20,033
Next thing, you've got a thousand
cats, you're living in Brooklyn.
175
00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:22,067
Can I borrow you for a second?
176
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,467
If you want any more
superstore facts,
177
00:07:24,467 --> 00:07:25,968
ask someone else,
178
00:07:25,968 --> 00:07:27,968
because supercarter
is supertired.
179
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:29,467
I'm sorry about that.
180
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:31,067
No. Check that.
181
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,567
I'm supersorry about that.
182
00:07:32,567 --> 00:07:33,767
It'll just take a sec.
183
00:07:35,501 --> 00:07:36,501
Hey, Nicky,
184
00:07:36,501 --> 00:07:38,067
you feeling a little better?
185
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:40,000
Oh, yeah.
Carter's really helping me out.
186
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,300
What is it about men, James?
187
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:46,767
Uh, you're gonna have to
be a little more specific.
188
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,267
All right.
Why is it if a guy likes somebody,
189
00:07:49,267 --> 00:07:52,434
he can't just pick up the phone,
call 'em, let 'em know?
190
00:07:52,434 --> 00:07:55,501
Hey, I like somebody, I tell
them I like them right away.
191
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:59,501
And if someone likes me, I'd want
to know as soon as possible.
192
00:07:59,501 --> 00:08:01,501
Some people
call that desperate.
193
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:03,901
I prefer needy.
194
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:06,667
You have no idea how
adorable you are, do ya?
195
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:09,801
Why can't I find a guy
like you, James, huh?
196
00:08:14,968 --> 00:08:16,100
Bye, Nicky.
197
00:08:19,601 --> 00:08:21,968
Maybe-maybe I went
a little too far
198
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:23,934
with the whole
Santa claus thing,
199
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:26,467
but when I saw you
come out there,
200
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:29,467
I felt like I was at
a shooting gallery.
201
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,968
Every time your little duck head
popped up from behind that podium,
202
00:08:32,968 --> 00:08:35,567
ooh! Ping! Ping!
Ping, ping, ping, ping!
203
00:08:35,567 --> 00:08:37,167
God, it was fun!
204
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,567
Oh, yeah.
It was a hoot.
205
00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:42,634
You have any idea how much
damage you've caused?
206
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:45,467
Thanks to you, Paul's pulling
the night shift next week
207
00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:47,000
in a Santa suit.
208
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,267
The only things those kids
are gonna get for Christmas
209
00:08:48,267 --> 00:08:50,200
is a wet, hacking cough.
210
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,067
You're doing all the shooting,
211
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:54,501
and I'm dodging the bullets.
212
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:57,234
I wish, just once, the shoe
was on the other foot.
213
00:08:57,234 --> 00:08:59,567
I wish I could
ask you the questions.
214
00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:01,133
Mike, it's Randall.
215
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:05,067
I've come down with
that thing Paul's got.
216
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:07,634
I'm too sick to do
that tv show.
217
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:10,901
I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to fill in for me.
218
00:09:15,334 --> 00:09:17,067
Ok.
219
00:09:17,067 --> 00:09:19,467
Now I wish I'd win the lottery.
220
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,033
huh. Nothing.
221
00:09:22,033 --> 00:09:24,467
Well, I'll just have to settle
222
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:26,100
for taking you down.
223
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:27,868
Bring it on, lover.
224
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,400
Carter, have a minute?
Something important's going on.
225
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,567
I know.
Mike's going to war.
226
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:42,467
He's not gonna let us rest
227
00:09:42,467 --> 00:09:44,767
until we get him 100% prepared.
228
00:09:44,767 --> 00:09:46,834
Yeah. You think
Nicky likes me?
229
00:09:47,901 --> 00:09:49,901
Likes you as in...
As a coworker
230
00:09:49,901 --> 00:09:52,000
or likes you or as in
231
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,200
this is gonna be the longest
conversation of my life?
232
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,234
Nicky said, "why can't I
find a guy like you, James?"
233
00:09:58,234 --> 00:10:00,501
And who's more like
James than James?
234
00:10:00,501 --> 00:10:02,701
Here she comes.
If you hear anything, let me know.
235
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:04,467
Ok, James.
236
00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:06,000
I'm telling you, Mike,
237
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,133
this is all the information
we have on superstores.
238
00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:10,801
Everything there is to know
239
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:12,701
is condensed into
this little, tiny-
240
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,000
10,000-pound book?
241
00:10:17,067 --> 00:10:19,100
Would you like
some help with that?
242
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:21,200
No, no. My arms
are just tired.
243
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,234
Worked out at the gym
this morning.
244
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:25,100
I could organize all the facts
245
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,767
so that it's easier
for you to follow.
246
00:10:26,767 --> 00:10:29,634
See, I believe in paying
attention to details.
247
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:31,534
Whether it's the exact
number of new jobs
248
00:10:31,534 --> 00:10:34,033
that superstores generate
for the city,
249
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,033
or timing the perfect dinner
250
00:10:36,033 --> 00:10:38,634
so it coincides with sunset.
251
00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,601
Your shirt's buttoned wrong.
252
00:10:49,534 --> 00:10:50,467
Damn!
253
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:54,767
Mike, we've been at this
since 6:00a. m.
254
00:10:54,767 --> 00:10:56,667
Maybe you've got
enough information.
255
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:57,868
That's impossible.
256
00:10:57,868 --> 00:11:00,067
My mind is a machine,
and it can store
257
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,567
an endless supply of facts.
258
00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:03,133
I can spit them out on demand.
259
00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:04,934
Stewart's birthday
is may 24, 1964.
260
00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:07,000
Nicky, your mother's maiden
name is shaunessy.
261
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,067
James, you had an erotic
dream about barbra streisand.
262
00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:12,067
Mike, that was our secret.
263
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:20,300
No, no. The secret part was
she was dressed up as yentl.
264
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:24,133
Mike, I've looked over
Ashley's tapes,
265
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,601
and she doesn't have
a lot of weaknesses.
266
00:11:26,601 --> 00:11:28,868
However, I may have found
an achilles heel.
267
00:11:28,868 --> 00:11:33,934
For some reason, she seems
to care deeply about you.
268
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:36,567
I'll give her my hurt face.
269
00:11:36,567 --> 00:11:40,601
She always caves in when
I give her my hurt face.
270
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:44,634
Exactly. If you get
in any real trouble,
271
00:11:44,634 --> 00:11:46,734
may I suggest leaning
across the table
272
00:11:46,734 --> 00:11:49,167
and discreetly threatening to
break up with her. Hi, Ashley.
273
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:52,267
Look at this.
274
00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:55,033
A binder full of data,
an overworked staff,
275
00:11:55,033 --> 00:11:57,534
and a very tense deputy mayor.
276
00:11:57,534 --> 00:11:59,067
All for little me?
277
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,667
Mr. Flaherty,
I do declare,
278
00:12:00,667 --> 00:12:02,200
this war's already over.
279
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,300
Oh, no, this war
hasn't even begun.
280
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,801
See this book?
281
00:12:06,801 --> 00:12:08,300
Ash, everything in here
282
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:09,567
is in here.
283
00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:10,767
Well, good luck.
284
00:12:10,767 --> 00:12:13,734
I just want to say
it's been nice knowing you.
285
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:16,467
You're an excellent dancer,
you make wonderful soups,
286
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:18,968
and I really enjoyed that
weekend in bucks county.
287
00:12:18,968 --> 00:12:20,300
I appreciate that, Mike,
288
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,868
and by the way, we never
went to bucks county.
289
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:23,968
Sorry.
290
00:12:23,968 --> 00:12:26,400
Got a lot of stuff up here.
291
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:32,801
Sorry, sir. I didn't think
you were coming in today.
292
00:12:32,801 --> 00:12:34,167
Shouldn't you be home resting?
293
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:36,634
Helen didn't want me
getting the help sick.
294
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:38,167
They're very important to her.
295
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,534
I'm sure the help
appreciates it.
296
00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:46,767
Probably be reflected
in your Christmas bonus.
297
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:50,033
You're preparing hard for
that debate with Ashley, huh?
298
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:51,801
Oh, yes, we're gonna
make us proud.
299
00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:55,634
I'm sure you will. Care to take a
little walk down memory Lane, Mike?
300
00:12:56,968 --> 00:12:58,467
Uh... how...
301
00:12:58,467 --> 00:13:01,467
How long a walk
will that be, sir?
302
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:02,968
Because I got this tv thing.
303
00:13:04,334 --> 00:13:05,734
Look at this here.
304
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:11,000
That's me in High school.
305
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:13,868
Prom night.
306
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,067
College days...
307
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:21,701
Oh, there's me and my fraternity
brothers on luau night.
308
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:25,367
Nice grass skirt there, sir.
309
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:27,267
Look at where you're
holding that tiki torch.
310
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:28,834
Yeah, yeah.
311
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:29,868
You know, sir,
312
00:13:29,868 --> 00:13:31,634
I probably should
just hang on to this
313
00:13:31,634 --> 00:13:33,234
until you retire from politics.
314
00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:37,200
There's a lot of memories
in this thing, Mike.
315
00:13:38,434 --> 00:13:39,701
who's that?
316
00:13:39,701 --> 00:13:41,601
That's Valerie horn,
317
00:13:41,601 --> 00:13:43,567
the one that got away.
318
00:13:43,567 --> 00:13:45,033
Old flame, huh, sir?
319
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,934
She was the tennis coach at my club
320
00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:49,300
the summer that I
graduated from college.
321
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:51,067
And um...
322
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:52,200
Well, when we met,
323
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,367
the attraction was instant.
324
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,701
And by the third set,
325
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:58,000
we'd fallen in love.
326
00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,834
Wow, that's a...
327
00:13:59,834 --> 00:14:02,133
That's a beautiful story, sir.
328
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:05,734
Boy meets girl, boy falls
in love with girl.
329
00:14:05,734 --> 00:14:08,634
The deputy mayor's late for
a television appearance.
330
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:12,968
Sadly, that's when the
competition kicked in.
331
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:15,434
The friendly games
became more and more
332
00:14:15,434 --> 00:14:17,834
hotly contested.
333
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:19,667
At one point,
334
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,400
I tattooed her thigh
with an overhead
335
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:23,801
that-pashooh!
336
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,501
Did you at least
give her that little...
337
00:14:27,501 --> 00:14:29,601
"Sorry" wave?
338
00:14:29,601 --> 00:14:32,534
On match point, I finished
her off with an ace.
339
00:14:32,534 --> 00:14:34,033
I was so happy
340
00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:36,000
I tossed my racket
up into the air,
341
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,501
and as I was waiting
for it to come down,
342
00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:42,300
she walked off the court and
out of my life forever.
343
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:44,367
You think the competition
drove you apart?
344
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:47,567
Yeah.
345
00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:48,901
Yeah, I guess it did.
346
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:53,567
But that was a long time ago, Mike.
347
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:55,033
Sir-uh, Valerie...
348
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:56,067
Mm-hmm?
349
00:14:58,167 --> 00:14:59,367
Well, what's she doing now?
350
00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:01,400
She went on to become
the most famous
351
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,400
lesbian tennis player
on the eastern seaboard.
352
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:07,734
Maybe he's right.
353
00:15:07,734 --> 00:15:10,901
I never thought competition was
a problem between Ashley and me,
354
00:15:10,901 --> 00:15:13,701
but lately it's been spilling
over into our personal life.
355
00:15:13,701 --> 00:15:16,501
It might look more like a
contest than a relationship.
356
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:18,300
But I could be overreacting.
357
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,267
What do you think?
358
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:21,834
I'm sorry, Mike,
359
00:15:21,834 --> 00:15:23,701
I can't hear
a word you're saying.
360
00:15:23,701 --> 00:15:26,701
My ears are packed with fluid.
361
00:15:29,033 --> 00:15:30,701
Thanks for the help, Paul!
362
00:15:30,701 --> 00:15:32,133
What?!
363
00:15:37,634 --> 00:15:40,801
I don't even think
James knows I exist.
364
00:15:43,601 --> 00:15:46,133
Why don't you try sitting next
to him and talking to him
365
00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:47,934
until he loses
the will to live?
366
00:15:47,934 --> 00:15:50,534
You're so silly.
367
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:52,234
I just wanna know if you think
368
00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:53,434
I should tell him.
369
00:15:53,434 --> 00:15:55,234
Yes!
370
00:15:55,234 --> 00:15:57,167
For God's sake,
please tell him now.
371
00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:01,667
I can't!
372
00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:04,701
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you rushing off to?
373
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:07,534
Mike's show comes on
in an hour.
374
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,968
That's not what you're
here to talk about, is it?
375
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:10,968
No. Big development.
376
00:16:10,968 --> 00:16:12,767
Nicky asked me
to buy her a drink.
377
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:14,234
What should I get her?
378
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,534
How about a drink?
379
00:16:16,534 --> 00:16:18,067
She said "surprise me. "
380
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,167
Serve it to her naked.
381
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:33,067
Well, I did it.
382
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,734
I'm a caller.
383
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:36,100
There's no shame in that.
384
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,100
What happened?
385
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:38,501
Got the machine.
386
00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:40,501
"Jeff, Amy, and the kids
aren't home.
387
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:42,133
Leave a message
after the beep. "
388
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:46,033
Well?
389
00:16:46,033 --> 00:16:47,634
I think it's obvious.
390
00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,868
Jeff and his sister
Amy run an orphanage.
391
00:16:53,701 --> 00:16:56,701
James, whatever you get
me, make it a double.
392
00:17:02,634 --> 00:17:04,934
Sounds like you get
an earful, Buddy.
393
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:06,167
Hah!
394
00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:07,634
You must get this all day long.
395
00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:08,634
Oh, yeah.
396
00:17:08,634 --> 00:17:10,167
When I go home to my girlfriend
397
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:11,501
and want to talk about it,
398
00:17:11,501 --> 00:17:14,100
it's the last thing
she wants to hear.
399
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,868
I think she's leaving me.
400
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:21,334
Listen to this.
401
00:17:21,334 --> 00:17:23,434
I come home, and there's
a guy on the machine...
402
00:17:24,534 --> 00:17:25,934
What is even more galling
403
00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:28,033
is while the government
claims to be acting
404
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:29,667
in the interests of the people,
405
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:31,033
they ignore the fact
406
00:17:31,033 --> 00:17:33,834
that neighborhoods and
businesses will be destroyed.
407
00:17:33,834 --> 00:17:35,200
That's just irresponsible.
408
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:38,367
Strong words.
Counterpoint, mr. Flaherty?
409
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:40,968
It's a complex issue.
410
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:43,734
Reasonable people
are gonna disagree.
411
00:17:46,334 --> 00:17:47,701
Scathing retort.
412
00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,634
Do you dare rebut,
ms. Schaeffer?
413
00:17:51,634 --> 00:17:54,367
Well, I'm sure, as mr.
Flaherty is aware,
414
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:58,067
that a superstore invasion will
cause a traffic nightmare,
415
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:01,033
pollute the air, and
decimate small businesses,
416
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:02,434
destroying people's lives.
417
00:18:02,434 --> 00:18:05,033
Heh heh. If that doesn't
deserve a counterpoint,
418
00:18:05,033 --> 00:18:06,667
I don't know what does.
419
00:18:07,968 --> 00:18:09,467
Mr. Flaherty?
420
00:18:09,467 --> 00:18:11,300
Little help?
421
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:13,400
Owen, it's a free country.
422
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,567
What am I gonna do,
criticize her
423
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,033
'cause she's got an opinion?
424
00:18:17,033 --> 00:18:18,901
Well, that's...
425
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:23,133
That's kind of what
we do on this show.
426
00:18:24,901 --> 00:18:26,467
Um...
427
00:18:26,467 --> 00:18:28,901
Why don't we think about that
428
00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,968
during this commercial break?
429
00:18:30,968 --> 00:18:32,200
And clear.
430
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,501
Excuse me. I'm going
to go wake up the crew.
431
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,434
Well, hey.
432
00:18:38,434 --> 00:18:39,868
I think it's going great.
433
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,434
What do you think?
434
00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:42,901
Are you kidding?
I'm walking all over you.
435
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:45,133
It isn't a rehearsal.
The cameras are rolling.
436
00:18:45,133 --> 00:18:47,367
Well, maybe I decided
it isn't healthy
437
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:49,734
for us to be fighting
all the time.
438
00:18:49,734 --> 00:18:52,167
It sounds like you're
just not prepared.
439
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:55,400
From 1974 to 1994, the
city lost 56,000 jobs
440
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,868
in retail employment, while those
in the suburbs gained 204,000.
441
00:18:57,868 --> 00:19:00,367
Superstores will create
13,000 jobs and generate
442
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:02,467
more than $100 million
in tax revenue.
443
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:03,834
But that's not the point.
444
00:19:05,901 --> 00:19:08,968
I need to know that our
relationship can survive this.
445
00:19:08,968 --> 00:19:10,934
Honey, we always fight.
446
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:13,534
Not like this, not in public.
447
00:19:13,534 --> 00:19:15,400
It's not like some
boggle game at home,
448
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,801
where sometimes I win
and sometimes you win.
449
00:19:17,801 --> 00:19:19,801
Mike, you never win.
450
00:19:19,801 --> 00:19:23,067
I just want to know that
you're not gonna end up
451
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:25,100
a lesbian tennis player
in Rhode Island.
452
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,834
Ok, Mike, I'm trying
to follow you here.
453
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,367
But all I can say is
that I love the way we are.
454
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:34,133
I love that we don't back
down from each other.
455
00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:36,934
And I love being with someone
who keeps me on my toes.
456
00:19:36,934 --> 00:19:39,367
I love that you're not
threatened by a strong woman.
457
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:41,868
And I love that
you believe that.
458
00:19:41,868 --> 00:19:43,467
So, what's the problem?
459
00:19:43,467 --> 00:19:45,400
I don't know.
Maybe there isn't one.
460
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,200
You're telling me
it wouldn't bother you
461
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,400
if I said your pollution theory
was completely specious?
462
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,901
Ooh, a $5 word!
463
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:54,767
Somebody has been thumbing
through their dictionary.
464
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:57,501
It is going to be so
much sweeter beating you
465
00:19:57,501 --> 00:19:59,167
now that you're
gonna be trying.
466
00:19:59,167 --> 00:20:01,300
See, therein lies
your problem-
467
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,501
beating me when I'm trying.
468
00:20:03,501 --> 00:20:05,067
Can't be done.
469
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:06,267
The other day-
470
00:20:06,267 --> 00:20:08,200
I wasn't trying.
471
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,267
When we were skiing-
472
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,300
I felt bad for you
and let you win.
473
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:13,133
When that red light goes on,
474
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:15,534
I'm gonna knock that
smirk right off your face.
475
00:20:15,534 --> 00:20:21,000
Do you have any idea how sexy
you are to me right now?
476
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,667
I want you so bad.
477
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:23,734
And we're back.
478
00:20:23,734 --> 00:20:24,734
Oh! Uh...
479
00:20:24,734 --> 00:20:25,734
Ok.
480
00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:28,801
Are you folks ready?
481
00:20:30,467 --> 00:20:32,467
See, that's what
I'm talking about-
482
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:35,467
huge plastic containers
filled with malted milkballs
483
00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:37,634
for like, 99 cents.
484
00:20:37,634 --> 00:20:39,267
Uhh!
I can't breathe.
485
00:20:39,267 --> 00:20:41,968
I can't breathe
through my nose.
486
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:44,467
Oh! My throat
is so sore,
487
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:46,734
I can barely breathe
through my mouth.
488
00:20:48,067 --> 00:20:49,834
I'm sicker than you.
489
00:20:51,801 --> 00:20:55,000
Mike, I'm telling you
that my sinuses
490
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,601
are so congested, I feel like
my head is going to explode.
491
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:00,400
You're lucky.
492
00:21:03,033 --> 00:21:05,601
If I had what you had,
493
00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:09,033
I'd be snapping
my fingers with Joy.
494
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:11,167
But I have what I have.
495
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,734
So my joints are
so swollen, I can't.
496
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:19,033
Mike, let's call a truce.
497
00:21:19,033 --> 00:21:20,300
I love you, honey.
498
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:22,434
I love you, too.
499
00:21:22,434 --> 00:21:24,367
Don't go kissing me.
500
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:27,367
Why? Because
I'm sicker than you?
501
00:21:30,634 --> 00:21:31,968
(loud sniffing]
502
00:21:35,467 --> 00:21:36,734
I win.
503
00:21:44,968 --> 00:21:46,767
James?
504
00:21:46,767 --> 00:21:48,100
Nicky?
505
00:21:49,501 --> 00:21:51,667
James.
506
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,033
Karen?
507
00:22:10,033 --> 00:22:13,367
I am so sick
of straight people.
508
00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:17,634
Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
509
00:22:17,684 --> 00:22:22,234
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