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1
00:00:03,219 --> 00:00:05,629
This is our place and if you're not going to shag us then...
2
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get to fuck.
3
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She didn't kiss me, ok?
4
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Yes, she did, she practically jumped on you.
5
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I kissed her.
6
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So, can I just say again?
7
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Me, not muff muncher. Me, cock cruncher.
8
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Do you want me to show you?
9
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What do I want? Surfing and turfing.
10
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When do I want it? Now.
11
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Panda!
12
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Effy, I've come to tell you...
13
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Freddie...
14
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Now you know.
15
00:00:27,575 --> 00:00:30,273
'Me, you and JJ.
16
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'Best mates for life.'
17
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Jesus Christ. What the fuck?!
18
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Huh?
19
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Jesus Christ! Who the fuck are you?!
20
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I'm a friend of your mum's...
21
00:01:34,936 --> 00:01:36,660
I had nowhere to kip. Sweetheart, isn't she?
22
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Even if she doesn't believe I'm the actual messiah.
23
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Mum...! Mum!
24
00:01:43,497 --> 00:01:45,432
Who the hell does
she think she is?
25
00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:49,191
This is bloody ridiculous, does nobody understand privacy?
26
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I'm naked.
27
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I sleep naked.
28
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Nothing I haven't seen before. You look like your mum, actually.
29
00:01:56,537 --> 00:01:59,053
You've even got the same haircut she has.
30
00:02:01,897 --> 00:02:03,491
Mum!
31
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,751
I can see why you find it offensive...
32
00:02:05,856 --> 00:02:08,310
It's not just the shape, it's the skin...
33
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It's a very aggressive texture.
Positively patriarchal.
34
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Yes.
35
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Definitely patriarchal.
36
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Mum.
37
00:02:21,055 --> 00:02:24,993
Has anyone ever told you what a complete fucking cow you are?
38
00:02:25,097 --> 00:02:27,392
Plenty of people.
Look at this would you, love?
39
00:02:27,498 --> 00:02:29,790
We're thinking of banning it...
40
00:02:29,895 --> 00:02:32,550
There's a man. In my room. In my bed, mum!
41
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He had nowhere else to go. It's called communal living, sweetie...
42
00:02:36,057 --> 00:02:38,653
God! You're so... irritating!
43
00:02:46,938 --> 00:02:48,670
Kids...
44
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Immature...
45
00:03:31,096 --> 00:03:32,071
Hi.
46
00:03:32,178 --> 00:03:33,653
Hey!
47
00:03:36,457 --> 00:03:38,593
I'm late.
48
00:03:38,697 --> 00:03:39,710
Am I late?
49
00:03:39,815 --> 00:03:40,992
Course not...
50
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,910
besides, this is hardly an appointment is it?
51
00:03:43,016 --> 00:03:45,672
Kept behind by Cruella De Ville.
52
00:03:45,778 --> 00:03:47,832
And what did the college director want?
53
00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:49,911
To send me on a motivation course...
54
00:03:50,018 --> 00:03:51,610
the Feeling, Healing Teaching Programme.
55
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Fuck's sake!
56
00:03:53,135 --> 00:03:55,730
And guess what? I fucking hate teaching!
57
00:03:58,537 --> 00:03:59,990
So... how's your mum?
58
00:04:00,098 --> 00:04:02,430
Still saving the world one lentil at a time?
59
00:04:02,537 --> 00:04:05,593
Well, you know... sometimes she's up. Sometimes she's down.
60
00:04:05,697 --> 00:04:10,390
Sometime's she's only half-way up, which is neither up nor down.
61
00:04:10,495 --> 00:04:12,671
And the Mother Nature thing is getting tired.
62
00:04:12,775 --> 00:04:16,133
I've got 15 people living in my house, and none are paying rent!
63
00:04:17,816 --> 00:04:20,513
Still, can't be all bad.
64
00:04:20,616 --> 00:04:22,790
Made you, didn't she?
65
00:04:22,898 --> 00:04:25,513
Though apparently Fred West's daughter's a charm.
66
00:04:25,617 --> 00:04:26,790
Hope for us all, eh?
67
00:04:26,896 --> 00:04:30,190
Right so, that's me. See you in assembly...
68
00:04:30,295 --> 00:04:33,151
Our glorious leader has summoned us all.
69
00:04:33,258 --> 00:04:34,753
You're gonna like this...
70
00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:35,753
Like what?
71
00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:39,093
You'll find out... Just be there, missy.
72
00:05:07,658 --> 00:05:09,472
What's going on there?
73
00:05:09,575 --> 00:05:12,931
Nothing. Shut up!
74
00:05:16,217 --> 00:05:20,050
Then you've got the shaft of your penis...
75
00:05:23,738 --> 00:05:27,810
Naomi. Hey!
76
00:05:41,777 --> 00:05:48,191
In ancient times before the now. There was an almighty blazing row.
77
00:05:48,297 --> 00:05:55,291
Between two kingdoms tall and proud. How to decide this without blood?
78
00:05:56,376 --> 00:05:58,651
Right, settle down everyone...
79
00:05:59,376 --> 00:06:02,153
Thank you, Doug, fascinating introduction.
80
00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:03,373
No... but I'm not finished!
81
00:06:03,475 --> 00:06:04,671
Yes, you are!
82
00:06:04,778 --> 00:06:07,250
Let's put it to a vote!
83
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,673
Bit of theatre, you know... impact.
84
00:06:10,777 --> 00:06:12,470
Ok, it's simple.
85
00:06:12,576 --> 00:06:15,150
We want a Student President.
86
00:06:15,258 --> 00:06:17,110
This will be a...
87
00:06:17,218 --> 00:06:21,193
democratically empowered position, for a talented individual,
88
00:06:21,295 --> 00:06:26,570
to proactively seek excellence in matters of student representation.
89
00:06:27,976 --> 00:06:31,032
And you, my little education consumers,
90
00:06:31,137 --> 00:06:33,710
will choose this president by vote.
91
00:06:33,815 --> 00:06:36,471
The election is next week so if you wish to stand,
92
00:06:36,575 --> 00:06:38,430
please see Doug after assembly.
93
00:06:38,538 --> 00:06:40,551
Can I just...
94
00:06:40,658 --> 00:06:42,910
I've got a whole rhyme worked out for that bit...
95
00:06:43,018 --> 00:06:44,352
No. Please. No.
96
00:06:44,456 --> 00:06:48,513
I just thought you'd like it, it's a clever pun on Doug,
97
00:06:48,615 --> 00:06:53,110
digging, and I'm awfully nasty about the Welsh...
98
00:06:53,215 --> 00:06:55,750
You've got to be joking. I'm not going to help run this place.
99
00:06:55,858 --> 00:06:57,631
I don't get it, why not?
100
00:06:57,737 --> 00:06:59,511
You really care
about this stuff.
101
00:06:59,615 --> 00:07:00,712
What stuff?
102
00:07:00,815 --> 00:07:02,752
Equality, environmentalism,
103
00:07:02,858 --> 00:07:06,590
feminism, I don't ever want to shut my mouth-ism...
104
00:07:06,695 --> 00:07:09,272
Great. You're making me sound great.
105
00:07:09,375 --> 00:07:10,913
Come on.
106
00:07:11,016 --> 00:07:13,651
Come on, you know about politics, you're always talking about it.
107
00:07:13,758 --> 00:07:15,190
Emily.
108
00:07:15,295 --> 00:07:18,510
We've had about three conversations our entire lives.
109
00:07:18,615 --> 00:07:22,612
So the idea that you know I'm always talking about anything is ridiculous.
110
00:07:24,657 --> 00:07:25,351
Ok.
111
00:07:25,458 --> 00:07:28,511
Morning ladies. Ah, love is all around.
112
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:29,310
Piss off.
113
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,011
Naomikins, I've been thinking.
114
00:07:32,777 --> 00:07:34,833
You should see more cock.
115
00:07:34,935 --> 00:07:36,233
Pardon?
116
00:07:36,338 --> 00:07:39,553
Yeah... me and you. We should go to it. Know what I'm saying?
117
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Excuse me?
118
00:07:41,215 --> 00:07:42,953
Go to it?
119
00:07:43,055 --> 00:07:44,391
Yeah. Definitely.
120
00:07:44,495 --> 00:07:46,670
You've got about as much chance of fucking me
121
00:07:46,775 --> 00:07:49,791
as becoming the elected Student President of this dump.
122
00:07:49,897 --> 00:07:51,353
Yeah? Well, I enjoy a challenge.
123
00:07:51,455 --> 00:07:52,473
Yeah.
124
00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:54,830
Babe... you have got a deal.
125
00:07:54,935 --> 00:07:57,343
What? No, no, no, no, no.
126
00:07:57,448 --> 00:07:59,303
I didn't mean it like that. I'm not going to...
127
00:07:59,407 --> 00:08:00,341
Guaranteed a shag.
128
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:03,123
What? Oh, fuck...
129
00:08:11,268 --> 00:08:12,841
Name? Crispin.
130
00:08:12,945 --> 00:08:14,160
Second name?
131
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:16,040
No. That's it, sir. Just Crispin.
132
00:08:16,146 --> 00:08:19,443
Like Prince, Madonna, Cher, Lemar... Only Crispin.
133
00:08:19,547 --> 00:08:21,441
And, uh, what are your policies, Crispin?
134
00:08:21,546 --> 00:08:24,000
A tightening of college selection procedure.
135
00:08:24,108 --> 00:08:26,021
They let some awful shit in.
136
00:08:27,825 --> 00:08:29,842
Like him, for instance.
137
00:08:29,947 --> 00:08:33,280
All right, Doug? Is this where you register to be president, yeah?
138
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:34,762
You? President?
139
00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:37,283
Yeah, man. Problem?
140
00:08:37,388 --> 00:08:40,600
Um... No, no...
141
00:08:40,705 --> 00:08:44,200
Fantastic, a two-horse race! Yes!
142
00:08:44,301 --> 00:08:45,764
Let the best man win.
143
00:08:45,862 --> 00:08:48,780
Oggy oggy oggy!
144
00:08:51,549 --> 00:08:53,082
Ok.
145
00:08:53,185 --> 00:08:55,983
So, just fill the form in.
146
00:09:13,105 --> 00:09:14,803
Oh!
147
00:09:14,908 --> 00:09:16,882
Girls. Stupid.
148
00:09:16,985 --> 00:09:18,860
You're all so stupid.
149
00:09:26,427 --> 00:09:28,503
I can see your knickers.
150
00:09:30,706 --> 00:09:32,280
You? President?
151
00:09:32,388 --> 00:09:34,123
Why do people keep saying that?
152
00:09:34,226 --> 00:09:37,503
Me, president. You, my slave.
153
00:09:39,105 --> 00:09:41,440
Why you fighting it, Naomi?
154
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:45,681
You want it. I want it. Let's get together and feel all right.
155
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:49,242
You couldn't make me feel all right if you stapled your tongue to my clit
156
00:09:49,345 --> 00:09:50,783
and stood on a cement mixer.
157
00:09:54,706 --> 00:09:57,723
Too pussy to take a chance, little girl.
158
00:09:57,827 --> 00:09:59,801
See you next time.
159
00:09:59,907 --> 00:10:01,221
Yeah, you love me.
160
00:10:06,066 --> 00:10:08,241
I... I was going to ask you if you wanted a lift.
161
00:10:08,345 --> 00:10:09,040
What?
162
00:10:09,146 --> 00:10:12,042
You know, save your legs.
Your wheels.
163
00:10:12,147 --> 00:10:13,502
Only if you...
164
00:10:14,627 --> 00:10:15,842
You can give me a lift.
165
00:10:15,945 --> 00:10:17,300
Great.
166
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:19,942
Hang on.
167
00:10:34,785 --> 00:10:35,520
Mind the spring.
168
00:10:35,627 --> 00:10:36,560
Where?
169
00:10:36,666 --> 00:10:38,422
Oh!
170
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,712
This is some automobile you've got here.
171
00:10:49,818 --> 00:10:52,751
Oh, yes! Would you believe it only cost me £2.50?
172
00:10:52,857 --> 00:10:56,590
And three tokens from the top of Weetabix packets.
173
00:10:56,696 --> 00:10:58,331
Yeah, I really would believe that.
174
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:01,451
Come on, come on, come on...
175
00:11:03,856 --> 00:11:05,472
Naomi...
176
00:11:05,576 --> 00:11:07,331
Can you give me a lift on your bike?
177
00:11:10,257 --> 00:11:12,512
It's all part of her grand love note to Ofsted.
178
00:11:12,616 --> 00:11:14,712
It looks good to have a student president.
179
00:11:14,816 --> 00:11:16,871
Will that person have power?
180
00:11:16,975 --> 00:11:18,632
Will they bollocks.
181
00:11:18,735 --> 00:11:20,272
I ran for office once...
182
00:11:20,376 --> 00:11:21,353
Yeah?
183
00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:24,751
Oh, yes. You're looking at the Workers Unite candidate,
184
00:11:24,857 --> 00:11:27,072
Bristol City Council, Redland Ward, 1998.
185
00:11:27,176 --> 00:11:28,953
I bet that went well for you.
186
00:11:29,057 --> 00:11:31,753
I got six votes, and I knew three of them personally.
187
00:11:31,855 --> 00:11:35,871
But then, buoyed up by my success, I decided to dedicate my life
188
00:11:35,976 --> 00:11:38,231
to shaping the young minds of tomorrow.
189
00:11:38,338 --> 00:11:40,230
Only to discover they don't have minds,
190
00:11:40,335 --> 00:11:42,671
only mild jangling things between their ears.
191
00:11:42,778 --> 00:11:46,653
Mild jangly things that are colour-co-ordinated to go with their shoes!
192
00:11:49,537 --> 00:11:51,272
I think you should stand.
193
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,312
What? Why?
194
00:11:53,416 --> 00:11:55,731
Come on. You're the best, we both know it.
195
00:11:56,858 --> 00:11:59,510
Is that a compliment? Are you complimenting me?
196
00:11:59,617 --> 00:12:02,951
Oh, I've got a few compliments in me.
197
00:12:03,058 --> 00:12:06,591
Listen, is it my drug problem, or is someone waving at that window?
198
00:12:06,697 --> 00:12:10,153
Oh, God. It's my mum. Don't look.
199
00:12:10,258 --> 00:12:12,510
Shit. She's so embarrassing!
200
00:12:12,618 --> 00:12:14,313
I want to meet this mythical creature.
201
00:12:14,417 --> 00:12:15,532
No!
202
00:12:16,576 --> 00:12:18,231
Bye.
203
00:12:18,335 --> 00:12:20,131
Right.
204
00:12:24,975 --> 00:12:26,413
Thanks.
205
00:12:30,578 --> 00:12:32,393
You want to do something about this.
206
00:12:32,497 --> 00:12:34,831
There is fungal matter in the oven!
207
00:12:34,936 --> 00:12:36,393
You are fungal matter!
208
00:12:36,497 --> 00:12:38,552
It says on the rota it's your job to clean it.
209
00:12:38,655 --> 00:12:41,312
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
210
00:12:41,416 --> 00:12:44,791
One. Me. Because I'm oppressed, yeah?
You're oppressing me.
211
00:12:44,895 --> 00:12:47,352
The Messiah does not oppress, ok? He enlightens.
212
00:12:47,456 --> 00:12:50,351
Yeah? I'll fucking enlighten you, you patriarchal prick!
213
00:12:50,455 --> 00:12:51,911
Jesus does not do fungus.
214
00:12:52,017 --> 00:12:54,450
Oh, really, does he not do fungus? Yeah, yeah...
215
00:12:56,106 --> 00:12:59,471
Hey. I was waving!
You were with a man!
216
00:12:59,576 --> 00:13:01,051
What is this? Surveillance culture?
217
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,592
I was just saying. He looked nice.
218
00:13:03,696 --> 00:13:06,473
He's my politics teacher, all right?
219
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,352
Ok, just saying.
220
00:13:08,457 --> 00:13:11,433
Nice to see you with a guy.
Makes a change.
221
00:13:11,537 --> 00:13:14,792
Anyway, do you want to come and help me feed...?
222
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:18,550
You don't even know who you're feeding?!
This is our house, Mum!
223
00:13:18,655 --> 00:13:19,672
Yeah, of course it is.
224
00:13:19,777 --> 00:13:22,091
I think someone stole the telly from your room.
225
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:26,552
Who are you? Who is this?
226
00:13:26,658 --> 00:13:29,652
Jesus, is there never any peace?!
227
00:13:32,135 --> 00:13:33,310
How did you get in here?
228
00:13:33,418 --> 00:13:36,713
This weird guy let me in. Looks a bit like Jesus?
229
00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:37,873
Yeah.
230
00:13:37,977 --> 00:13:41,032
It's like a game of Christ-themed Guess Who in this house.
231
00:13:41,138 --> 00:13:42,670
What do you want?
232
00:13:42,775 --> 00:13:44,630
Wanted to give you this.
233
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:47,313
You're very annoying. Well.
234
00:13:47,415 --> 00:13:49,132
You seem to inspire it in me.
235
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:51,752
Jinx.
236
00:13:51,856 --> 00:13:55,310
You're going to run? Great. I'll help with the form.
237
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:58,052
No, Emily, I don't need any help.
238
00:14:01,938 --> 00:14:04,852
Right. Ok. Well, see you.
239
00:14:13,337 --> 00:14:14,910
Just so you know,
240
00:14:15,015 --> 00:14:18,192
my first thought when I see you is not, "I want to fuck that girl."
241
00:14:18,296 --> 00:14:19,310
No. I, uh...
242
00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:21,631
We've kissed. Twice. It was nice.
243
00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:23,632
But it's also nice just being with you,
244
00:14:23,735 --> 00:14:25,930
when you're not being a prick, that is.
245
00:14:27,537 --> 00:14:28,831
Thanks.
246
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:32,270
You should run for President because I think you'd be good at it.
247
00:14:32,375 --> 00:14:34,212
It's that simple, ok?
248
00:14:37,018 --> 00:14:39,251
Ok. Then you should...stay.
249
00:14:41,336 --> 00:14:43,411
Thanks. I will.
250
00:14:49,217 --> 00:14:52,152
'I can just see it now... in lights.'
251
00:14:52,255 --> 00:14:54,970
"Naomi - Get to know me"!
252
00:14:56,415 --> 00:14:57,873
I thought it was quite catchy.
253
00:14:57,975 --> 00:14:59,530
Yeah, well, so's AIDS.
254
00:15:03,497 --> 00:15:05,793
Do you think I can do it?
255
00:15:05,896 --> 00:15:07,912
I think you can do anything.
256
00:15:08,015 --> 00:15:09,451
Really?
257
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:16,073
I've been wondering...
258
00:15:16,178 --> 00:15:17,691
Yeah?
259
00:15:23,617 --> 00:15:25,972
What do lesbians... do?
260
00:15:28,938 --> 00:15:30,272
I mean, in bed.
261
00:15:30,377 --> 00:15:32,673
I know what you mean!
262
00:15:32,775 --> 00:15:33,912
But why would I know?
263
00:15:34,018 --> 00:15:34,912
You've never...?
264
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,492
No, I've never!
265
00:15:39,258 --> 00:15:40,830
I mean...
266
00:15:40,938 --> 00:15:43,833
Is it all brogues and strap-ons, or...?
267
00:15:43,935 --> 00:15:47,353
No! I don't know.
268
00:15:47,457 --> 00:15:51,592
They just do what we do to ourselves.
Only to each other.
269
00:15:51,695 --> 00:15:53,993
Probably slightly more aggressively.
270
00:15:54,098 --> 00:15:56,551
And with, you know,
271
00:15:56,657 --> 00:15:57,892
oils and stuff.
272
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,113
Oils, eh?
273
00:16:10,217 --> 00:16:12,092
Yeah. And stuff.
274
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,351
Oilssss.
275
00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:33,292
Yeah. Lots of it. Oils.
276
00:16:35,096 --> 00:16:38,432
Where do you put it? Oils?
277
00:16:38,535 --> 00:16:39,650
On salad.
278
00:17:14,216 --> 00:17:16,651
Fuck's sake.
279
00:17:25,095 --> 00:17:27,172
What are you doing?
280
00:17:45,456 --> 00:17:50,031
I am Cook! Vote for me! Vote for non-stop partying!
281
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,171
Oh, God.
282
00:17:54,056 --> 00:17:55,270
Cook! Cook! Cook...
283
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,310
Who's up there with him?
284
00:17:57,416 --> 00:17:58,371
JJ.
285
00:18:02,776 --> 00:18:04,352
Think I lost him.
286
00:18:04,456 --> 00:18:05,971
What, JJ?
287
00:18:08,375 --> 00:18:10,510
Yeah, him too.
288
00:18:10,615 --> 00:18:13,153
Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook!
289
00:18:13,256 --> 00:18:15,873
Is this about Effy?
290
00:18:15,976 --> 00:18:17,772
That obvious, is it?
291
00:18:18,855 --> 00:18:20,153
So tell her.
292
00:18:20,255 --> 00:18:21,933
I did.
293
00:18:23,938 --> 00:18:27,230
It should make a difference when someone loves you. Shouldn't it?
294
00:18:27,337 --> 00:18:29,051
We love to party!
295
00:18:30,456 --> 00:18:31,932
We love to party!
296
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:34,852
Yeah!
297
00:18:41,098 --> 00:18:44,272
Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook!
298
00:18:44,377 --> 00:18:46,732
Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook!
299
00:18:51,815 --> 00:18:53,333
Hi. Hi.
300
00:18:54,498 --> 00:18:55,952
You left pretty early.
301
00:18:56,057 --> 00:18:59,253
I had, um, things to do, you know?
302
00:19:00,338 --> 00:19:02,270
Well, I met your mum.
303
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:03,490
Did you?
304
00:19:04,575 --> 00:19:05,513
She's nice.
305
00:19:05,618 --> 00:19:06,910
She's a cliche.
306
00:19:07,017 --> 00:19:07,893
She's a nice cliche.
307
00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:09,371
Is she?
308
00:19:12,216 --> 00:19:13,351
Emily, look.
309
00:19:13,457 --> 00:19:16,542
I forgot to tell you. I made these in anticipation.
310
00:19:16,645 --> 00:19:18,940
Cool, huh?
311
00:19:19,048 --> 00:19:21,700
I got the message, Naomi.
312
00:19:21,806 --> 00:19:23,780
I'll manage.
313
00:19:23,887 --> 00:19:26,303
But there is one thing, though.
314
00:19:26,405 --> 00:19:29,722
Well, you can't let him win, now, can you?
315
00:19:34,968 --> 00:19:36,302
Cook before education!
316
00:19:36,407 --> 00:19:38,600
Sex before exams!
317
00:19:42,488 --> 00:19:45,700
'I'm asking for one-to-one tuition to achieve your goals,
318
00:19:45,805 --> 00:19:47,600
work experience and...'
319
00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:54,582
My name is Crispin, that's my name
320
00:19:54,685 --> 00:19:56,383
I don't like chavs, that's my game
321
00:19:56,485 --> 00:19:57,980
if you vote for me
322
00:19:58,105 --> 00:20:00,940
like a princess and a pea I'll free you from their menace.
323
00:20:01,045 --> 00:20:02,061
Ah, yeah!
324
00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:04,682
A wigada-wigada-whack West Morningside!
325
00:20:06,286 --> 00:20:07,920
Next up, Naomi.
326
00:20:11,246 --> 00:20:14,083
What this college needs is somebody who'll understand...
327
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:16,942
Council has to mean something...
328
00:20:17,048 --> 00:20:18,881
Give a look to the man Cook!
329
00:20:25,606 --> 00:20:28,243
Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook!
330
00:20:50,605 --> 00:20:53,660
Excuse me. Everyone.
331
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:54,703
Can I just...?
332
00:20:54,808 --> 00:20:56,361
Can you listen, please?!
333
00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,620
If you vote for me, I'll make sure
334
00:21:00,728 --> 00:21:02,411
each and every one of your voices is heard.
335
00:21:02,518 --> 00:21:04,562
I'll make it my business to get to know each...
336
00:21:04,666 --> 00:21:06,401
Apples!
337
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:10,982
Apples and pears. Get your apples.
Apples and pears.
338
00:21:11,086 --> 00:21:12,622
Apples and pears. Apples!
339
00:21:12,726 --> 00:21:14,600
See, this is what you've got to decide.
340
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,482
Do you want a comedy president...?
341
00:21:16,586 --> 00:21:18,363
Banana!
342
00:21:21,326 --> 00:21:23,380
You're such a fucking joke!
343
00:21:23,487 --> 00:21:25,580
I'm a joke? You're fucking hilarious!
344
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,221
At least I care about something.
345
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,702
What's so good about caring? No-one here cares.
346
00:21:29,807 --> 00:21:30,721
We just wanna par-ty!
347
00:21:34,285 --> 00:21:37,462
Cook. Any chance you could be a cunt over there, d'you think?
348
00:21:37,568 --> 00:21:39,221
Oooh!
349
00:21:39,325 --> 00:21:40,283
Emily.
350
00:21:42,406 --> 00:21:46,523
Ah! That's nice. Getting your girlfriend to hold your hand.
351
00:21:48,446 --> 00:21:50,720
Bit of moral support, yeah? Sweet, innit?
352
00:21:51,925 --> 00:21:52,943
Oh, fuck.
353
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:55,262
Sweet. Hey, Naomi.
354
00:21:55,368 --> 00:21:57,900
If I'm a joke, at least people can have a laugh...
355
00:21:58,005 --> 00:22:00,501
caring's over-rated. Do you want to know my slogan?
356
00:22:00,606 --> 00:22:03,762
I'm Cook. Vote for me. I don't give a fuck either.
357
00:22:13,926 --> 00:22:16,503
Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook!
358
00:22:16,608 --> 00:22:19,623
Naomi. Naomi.
359
00:22:19,728 --> 00:22:21,422
Naomi, wait, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...
360
00:22:21,526 --> 00:22:23,320
Just leave me alone!
361
00:22:30,126 --> 00:22:31,221
I hate him!
362
00:22:31,328 --> 00:22:33,821
He just... He just...
363
00:22:33,928 --> 00:22:36,620
Ah, he's a ball bag, right?
364
00:22:36,725 --> 00:22:39,743
I was such a dick. Such a dick.
365
00:22:39,845 --> 00:22:42,341
Oh, what's a bit of public humiliation?
366
00:22:42,447 --> 00:22:44,402
I'm a teacher, I'm used to it.
367
00:22:45,488 --> 00:22:47,261
Yeah.
368
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,143
People fuck you up every day.
369
00:22:49,247 --> 00:22:52,120
Yep. Every day. After a while you get to kind of like it.
370
00:22:53,208 --> 00:22:55,200
No, I'm serious.
371
00:23:00,608 --> 00:23:02,582
There.
372
00:23:02,688 --> 00:23:05,200
You look so much prettier when you smile.
373
00:23:08,365 --> 00:23:10,702
I don't get it.
374
00:23:10,808 --> 00:23:13,623
Why are you so nice and all other men are such wankers?
375
00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:16,280
Oh... now you've got me.
376
00:23:26,128 --> 00:23:27,580
What?! What?
377
00:23:27,685 --> 00:23:31,341
But you're... ugh, you're old enough to be my dad!
378
00:23:31,446 --> 00:23:33,621
Maths was never my strong suit, but I think,
379
00:23:33,725 --> 00:23:34,662
you know, not quite!
380
00:23:34,766 --> 00:23:37,021
Fuck! You... fuck!
381
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:38,942
I thought you liked me!
382
00:23:39,046 --> 00:23:40,021
I do. And I do.
383
00:23:40,126 --> 00:23:41,382
What did you just do?
384
00:23:41,487 --> 00:23:42,940
You wanted me to kiss you.
385
00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:43,981
But I just...
386
00:23:44,087 --> 00:23:47,063
I wanted to trust you.
387
00:23:47,168 --> 00:23:49,643
No, you can...
388
00:23:51,607 --> 00:23:53,120
trust me.
389
00:24:21,365 --> 00:24:23,323
Fuck off!
390
00:25:46,935 --> 00:25:48,491
Can we go somewhere?
391
00:25:49,896 --> 00:25:51,153
Anywhere.
392
00:26:43,058 --> 00:26:44,290
Wow.
393
00:26:49,175 --> 00:26:52,392
It's lovely. It's a lovely place.
394
00:26:52,497 --> 00:26:54,930
It's one of my favourites.
395
00:27:03,657 --> 00:27:06,472
I didn't bring a swimming costume.
396
00:27:06,577 --> 00:27:07,670
Neither did I.
397
00:27:11,157 --> 00:27:12,691
The sun won't shine forever.
398
00:27:12,795 --> 00:27:14,051
Someone might be looking.
399
00:27:15,498 --> 00:27:17,570
Honey, your body ain't that special.
400
00:27:20,018 --> 00:27:21,590
Don't look, ok?
401
00:27:21,697 --> 00:27:23,131
Fine.
402
00:27:43,258 --> 00:27:44,710
I said don't look!!
403
00:27:44,817 --> 00:27:46,150
I wasn't looking, you just...
404
00:27:46,256 --> 00:27:48,453
You were looking. You were perving. You were looking.
405
00:27:52,458 --> 00:27:53,473
Come on.
406
00:27:53,575 --> 00:27:55,173
Get in!
407
00:27:59,575 --> 00:28:00,631
Oh, Jesus!
408
00:28:00,738 --> 00:28:01,691
It's freezing!
409
00:28:14,018 --> 00:28:16,052
You all right, Em?
410
00:28:20,295 --> 00:28:24,952
Hello? Hello? You deaf or what?
411
00:28:25,056 --> 00:28:27,472
You know, that's the first time you've asked me something.
412
00:28:27,578 --> 00:28:28,512
What, today?
413
00:28:28,617 --> 00:28:30,053
Ever.
414
00:28:31,135 --> 00:28:34,071
Well, answer it then. You all right?
415
00:28:34,177 --> 00:28:37,272
No, I'm having the worst time of my life.
416
00:28:37,375 --> 00:28:40,070
The weather's shit. The company's even worse.
417
00:28:40,176 --> 00:28:42,173
Amen.
418
00:28:48,337 --> 00:28:49,713
It's peaceful.
419
00:28:49,818 --> 00:28:51,290
Yeah.
420
00:29:11,816 --> 00:29:13,312
Do you wanna do blowbacks?
421
00:29:13,417 --> 00:29:15,593
I never got blowbacks.
422
00:29:15,695 --> 00:29:17,850
Why can't people just smoke the damn things straight?
423
00:29:17,956 --> 00:29:20,430
It's fun. Have you even tried it?
424
00:29:20,537 --> 00:29:21,953
No.
425
00:29:22,057 --> 00:29:25,210
But being all seeing, I already know it's shit.
426
00:29:27,975 --> 00:29:30,093
Come on. Everything once.
427
00:29:31,458 --> 00:29:33,850
Oh, fuck it. Go ahead and disappoint me.
428
00:30:33,257 --> 00:30:35,513
Say something.
429
00:30:35,615 --> 00:30:38,380
I'm all about experiments, me.
430
00:32:00,768 --> 00:32:05,940
Twice! You're going to do this to me, twice?!
431
00:32:06,045 --> 00:32:09,061
Naomi, no! You fucking stop right now!
432
00:32:09,168 --> 00:32:10,223
What?
433
00:32:10,326 --> 00:32:12,522
Don't you dare leave me in your bed again.
434
00:32:13,608 --> 00:32:14,643
I've got to go.
435
00:32:16,127 --> 00:32:19,141
I know you, Naomi. I know you're lonely.
436
00:32:19,246 --> 00:32:21,680
I think you need someone to want you.
437
00:32:22,727 --> 00:32:25,820
Well, I do want you.
438
00:32:25,928 --> 00:32:27,820
So be brave.
439
00:32:27,925 --> 00:32:29,561
And want me back!
440
00:33:28,328 --> 00:33:31,360
Mum. Mum.
441
00:33:32,486 --> 00:33:34,600
Mum, I know it's early but...
442
00:33:35,965 --> 00:33:37,240
Naomi.
443
00:33:40,567 --> 00:33:42,682
This is my fucking house!
444
00:33:44,687 --> 00:33:46,143
Naomi! For the love of God!
445
00:33:46,247 --> 00:33:48,661
Stop will you!
446
00:33:48,765 --> 00:33:50,981
I came looking for you, to apologise.
447
00:33:51,085 --> 00:33:53,541
She was here. We got talking. She's a nice...
448
00:33:53,648 --> 00:33:56,783
Naomi, please. I'm a fucking disaster, ok?
449
00:33:56,887 --> 00:33:58,421
I just...
450
00:33:58,526 --> 00:34:00,463
I'm lonely.
451
00:34:00,568 --> 00:34:01,520
Fuck off!
452
00:34:28,727 --> 00:34:31,561
Right. Well, these aren't going to count themselves.
453
00:34:33,048 --> 00:34:35,223
There's one thing I want to make clear to you.
454
00:34:35,327 --> 00:34:36,502
That boy will not win.
455
00:34:36,605 --> 00:34:38,342
Cook? He might win.
456
00:34:38,446 --> 00:34:40,580
He seems very popular.
457
00:34:40,685 --> 00:34:43,360
No, Doug. He will not win.
458
00:34:45,287 --> 00:34:47,682
Oh no, I mean...
459
00:34:48,725 --> 00:34:50,140
That goes against...
460
00:34:50,247 --> 00:34:52,661
I'm totally against that. Totally.
461
00:34:52,766 --> 00:34:57,021
Don't you have a career review assessment with me next week?
462
00:34:57,128 --> 00:35:00,102
Totally agree. He will not win.
463
00:35:00,206 --> 00:35:01,583
Right.
464
00:35:01,686 --> 00:35:05,263
This is how it will work. Vote for Naomi, this pile.
465
00:35:05,365 --> 00:35:08,421
Vote for Crispin, this pile.
466
00:35:08,526 --> 00:35:10,062
Someone voted for Crispin?
467
00:35:10,168 --> 00:35:12,282
Vote for Cook, this pile.
468
00:35:14,246 --> 00:35:16,361
Right. Right.
469
00:35:19,327 --> 00:35:21,263
I think we're gonna need a bigger bra.
470
00:35:21,368 --> 00:35:23,103
Shut up and get on with it.
471
00:35:23,206 --> 00:35:25,803
Drum roll, please.
472
00:35:38,647 --> 00:35:40,421
Thank you.
473
00:35:40,525 --> 00:35:44,603
And the winner is...
474
00:35:46,245 --> 00:35:48,160
Naomi!
475
00:35:49,966 --> 00:35:53,440
Naomi, do you have a few words?
476
00:36:05,046 --> 00:36:06,902
You should have more confidence.
477
00:36:07,005 --> 00:36:07,941
What?
478
00:36:08,048 --> 00:36:10,361
I mean, your tits are fine.
479
00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:15,601
Probably a bit flat, but no need to stuff your bra.
480
00:36:20,448 --> 00:36:23,140
Now, I'm not sure, but were these votes counted?
481
00:36:23,248 --> 00:36:25,583
Cook. Cook. Cook. Cook.
482
00:36:25,685 --> 00:36:27,461
Naomi. Stop the silliness.
483
00:36:27,567 --> 00:36:29,301
Celebrate. You've won.
484
00:36:29,407 --> 00:36:33,203
No. Cook won. He's our President.
485
00:36:45,845 --> 00:36:49,543
And my first act as President of this school,
486
00:36:49,648 --> 00:36:52,800
is to declare this riot open!
487
00:36:59,048 --> 00:37:00,001
Yeah!!
488
00:37:38,008 --> 00:37:39,363
So...
489
00:37:41,327 --> 00:37:42,420
Where does this go next?
490
00:37:42,527 --> 00:37:44,181
Burning all the gym equipment
491
00:37:44,286 --> 00:37:46,623
or shitting in the College Director's desk?
492
00:37:46,725 --> 00:37:48,563
I tell you, I'd be up for either.
493
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:53,680
I'm sorry.
494
00:37:56,365 --> 00:37:59,301
You're supposed to be flattered by my intention.
495
00:37:59,407 --> 00:38:01,623
But ultimately, honourably, unobtainable.
496
00:38:01,727 --> 00:38:03,741
Yeah.
497
00:38:03,845 --> 00:38:06,341
A bit too flattered maybe.
498
00:38:06,445 --> 00:38:08,862
A bit too obtainable.
499
00:38:08,966 --> 00:38:10,301
A bit of a twat.
500
00:38:10,407 --> 00:38:11,843
Yeah, maybe.
501
00:38:14,046 --> 00:38:15,180
Do you like her?
502
00:38:15,287 --> 00:38:16,701
Yeah.
503
00:38:16,805 --> 00:38:18,821
She's...
504
00:38:18,927 --> 00:38:20,123
She's right.
505
00:38:23,245 --> 00:38:25,562
So go tell her, will you?
506
00:38:26,647 --> 00:38:27,622
Yeah.
507
00:38:27,727 --> 00:38:29,160
Sure.
508
00:38:30,927 --> 00:38:32,362
Thanks!
509
00:38:49,086 --> 00:38:51,822
I'm looking for three pornos,
510
00:38:51,926 --> 00:38:55,383
two ninja stars and a butt plug that Kieran fucker confiscated.
511
00:38:55,488 --> 00:38:57,301
Think you'll be expelled for this?
512
00:38:57,408 --> 00:39:00,342
No. They'll have to explain why, wouldn't they?
513
00:39:00,448 --> 00:39:02,572
I reckon, when this is over,
514
00:39:02,676 --> 00:39:04,453
they'll try and pretend it never happened.
515
00:39:04,558 --> 00:39:06,412
You're probably right.
516
00:39:06,516 --> 00:39:08,432
I only really entered to piss you off, obviously.
517
00:39:08,537 --> 00:39:09,993
Obviously.
518
00:39:13,756 --> 00:39:16,451
You ever wish things were just simple?
519
00:39:16,557 --> 00:39:19,452
Things are simple. I won.
520
00:39:19,556 --> 00:39:21,850
Now we get to willy waggle, yeah?
521
00:39:21,956 --> 00:39:23,050
I never said...
522
00:39:23,157 --> 00:39:26,252
Are you sure? Are you actually sure you never said cos...
523
00:39:26,357 --> 00:39:27,451
Hang on.
524
00:39:27,557 --> 00:39:29,513
I think we should willy waggle.
525
00:39:39,198 --> 00:39:41,390
They all come to the Cookie Monster in the end.
526
00:39:59,997 --> 00:40:02,070
Cook! Cook!
527
00:40:04,196 --> 00:40:06,172
This isn't right.
528
00:40:06,275 --> 00:40:07,710
What?
529
00:40:09,356 --> 00:40:12,170
Sorry. It's just isn't a goer.
530
00:40:12,278 --> 00:40:14,410
Fair enough.
531
00:40:14,518 --> 00:40:15,572
Is that's it?
532
00:40:15,677 --> 00:40:18,111
You're not even going to try and convince me? Most guys would.
533
00:40:18,218 --> 00:40:19,693
Most guys aren't me, babe.
534
00:40:19,795 --> 00:40:22,171
You fancy me, I'm cool with it.
535
00:40:22,275 --> 00:40:24,591
So there's obviously another reason why you won't fuck me.
536
00:40:24,697 --> 00:40:26,333
And it's probably a good one cos you're
537
00:40:26,435 --> 00:40:29,330
you know,
538
00:40:29,438 --> 00:40:31,310
clever.
539
00:40:35,755 --> 00:40:38,291
You're a lot nicer than most people think, aren't you, Cook?
540
00:40:38,396 --> 00:40:40,253
Fuck you.
541
00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:42,111
Fuck you right back.
542
00:42:02,056 --> 00:42:03,493
You noticed how quiet it is?
543
00:42:04,935 --> 00:42:06,233
You kicked them out?
544
00:42:06,335 --> 00:42:09,533
Probably take a few days to clean the place, right?
545
00:42:11,736 --> 00:42:14,211
What did you want to talk to me about this morning?
546
00:42:16,297 --> 00:42:17,672
Is anyone here?
547
00:42:17,777 --> 00:42:21,030
Just some man who seemed to think you wanted him back in my bed.
548
00:42:21,138 --> 00:42:23,332
He's very entertaining for an Irishman.
549
00:42:28,016 --> 00:42:29,753
It is peaceful.
550
00:42:29,855 --> 00:42:31,050
Yeah.
551
00:42:32,696 --> 00:42:35,033
Did I ever tell you how angry I was when I found out
552
00:42:35,136 --> 00:42:36,512
I was pregnant with you?
553
00:42:36,616 --> 00:42:40,432
Is this going to cheer me up? Because I need cheering up. Ok?
554
00:42:40,536 --> 00:42:42,912
I'm getting there.
555
00:42:43,018 --> 00:42:45,632
I'd met the man of my dreams.
556
00:42:45,735 --> 00:42:49,352
I wanted to travel the world, fuck on every beach in India, be in love,
557
00:42:49,458 --> 00:42:51,241
and then I found out I was pregnant.
558
00:42:53,126 --> 00:42:55,040
I can only apologise.
559
00:42:57,328 --> 00:43:00,943
And, you know, your dad turned out to be a shitty little prick,
560
00:43:01,045 --> 00:43:03,181
and it was all a little bit rubbish.
561
00:43:03,288 --> 00:43:06,642
Until you made my life complete.
562
00:43:08,845 --> 00:43:11,002
And actually, rather fucking wonderful.
563
00:43:14,246 --> 00:43:16,541
I did that?
564
00:43:16,646 --> 00:43:18,940
I wasn't expecting it.
565
00:43:19,047 --> 00:43:22,121
People who make us happy are never the people you expect.
566
00:43:25,968 --> 00:43:28,942
So, when you find someone.
567
00:43:29,047 --> 00:43:30,722
You've got to cherish it.
568
00:43:45,325 --> 00:43:46,262
Right then.
569
00:43:46,366 --> 00:43:48,343
I've got an Irishman waiting for me,
570
00:43:48,446 --> 00:43:53,243
who says all he needs for happiness is regular sex and potatoes.
571
00:44:32,686 --> 00:44:34,240
I'm not gonna open the door.
572
00:44:35,328 --> 00:44:40,260
My face is all puffy. I've been... crying a bit.
573
00:44:40,367 --> 00:44:41,643
I don't care.
574
00:45:03,087 --> 00:45:08,083
I do want someone. Need someone. You're right.
575
00:45:11,207 --> 00:45:12,340
And?
576
00:45:12,448 --> 00:45:19,160
And... when I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person.
577
00:45:20,528 --> 00:45:26,481
I feel happier. Less... alone. Less lonely.
578
00:45:39,247 --> 00:45:43,161
But it's not as simple as that, is it? Being with someone.
579
00:45:44,566 --> 00:45:45,881
Isn't it?
580
00:45:47,128 --> 00:45:52,662
No. I mean, I don't know.
581
00:45:52,766 --> 00:45:55,762
I mean, I don't think so.
582
00:45:59,767 --> 00:46:01,000
I mean...
583
00:46:10,366 --> 00:46:13,560
Can't we just sit like this... for a bit?
584
00:46:27,648 --> 00:46:31,561
Yeah. We can.
585
00:46:34,286 --> 00:46:35,802
For a bit.
586
00:46:52,568 --> 00:46:55,441
I've been getting locked on. Breaking stuff.
587
00:46:57,086 --> 00:46:58,481
Getting into rages.
588
00:47:00,086 --> 00:47:01,261
Don't do that.
589
00:47:01,368 --> 00:47:02,340
Right.
590
00:47:02,445 --> 00:47:04,161
You gotta choose, mate. Either me or Cook.
591
00:47:04,267 --> 00:47:05,921
Please make up with Freddie, Cook.
592
00:47:06,025 --> 00:47:07,261
He can fuck himself.
593
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:08,481
All those things you want.
594
00:47:08,587 --> 00:47:09,621
I love you.
595
00:47:09,728 --> 00:47:12,362
You don't ask for them.
Why don't you just ask?
596
00:47:12,412 --> 00:47:16,962
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