Original subtitles

Hello,

I'm Thomas.

I'm so glad to meet you

Mum' ?

I'm Freddie. I met a girl I like today. She's beautiful.

I just wanted to kiss you. I want to kiss you now.

You're amazing.

Any of you girls fancy it ?

You're repulsive.

Go on, fuck off home !

I'm never going to a brothel with you again.

Please, come back.

Come back.

Come back.

Come back.

Come back.

Come back.

Hi, I made tea. Huh? Oh!

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you.

It's ok, Anthea.

Um... what are you doing?

Oh, you know... just, er, just looking.

Right.

Whizzer.

Eff's a bit out of it.

She's beautiful.

Not like me.

Oh? Seems like somebody likes you!

My boyfriend gave it to me.

I only knew him three days.

Thomas. Now he's gone.

But it was fun while it lasted, hmm?

So much fun...

Yeah, it's called love.

That's a big word ! I dunno,

Four letters is ... Oh.

But I'm sure it is love :

All you want to do is kiss them and,

you know, other stuff.

Brilliant stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, brilliant stuff.

Maybe this Thomas will hop on a train and come back to see you.

You can't get a train from the Congo. Congo ?

Yeah, it's a Democratic Republic,

located on the Equator, bordering Gabon and Cameroon.

Yeah, I remember now.

I really miss him.

You think love conquers all, Anthea?

I hope so, sweetie.

Why don't you wake up the sleeping beauty

and tell her we have something called "breakfast" in our country?

After that we had to get out mega-speedily,

so we climbed over some spiky fence, and then found ourselves in this field.

Then what did we do, Eff? Can't remember.

We either went to the park to find the boys

and then got chips, or the other way round. Which was it, Eff?

Chips. Oh, yeah.

Super cool. Brown sauce soaks up all the Red Bulls.

And then we went crazy, cos' Cook pulled down JJ's pants

and showed us his willy.

Morning, Mum. Yeah, thanks.

Super duper great night at the youth centre.

I made soup, we prayed and recycled socks.

Soup. For the homeless, they love soup.

Um, cream of mushroom...

Okey-doke. Effy says, "Howdy doody."

See you later, alligator.

Did you just ...

That was a pack of lies.

Oh, you can't tell my mum the truth.

She'd only do agony flip and go ra-ra.

Is she speaking English?

She means the truth hurts, Dad. It's for her own good.

Otherwise, truth...

Boom.

You all right, love ? Yeah, I just, erm, I just gotta, er...

Stop it. You stop it.

Is someone going to start speaking a language round here

I fucking understand ?

Steve, mate ! Am I driving today ?

No.

You're doing the International Webcam and Hard Drive Expo in Poole.

You don't want to miss that.

I can't do it. Jesus !

You should have told me,

I fucking love those hard drive events.

Jim, who are you talking ... I need you.

Ok, I'll get the car keys. Get you to Poole in no time.

For fuck's sake, I love you!

When are you fucking going to understand that?

Steve,

Mate, I'm... I'm married.

I'm straight.

Don't do dick, no way no how, but, you know...

I mean, c'est la vie. I can't stand it, Anthea!

Each to their... own. I told you ! - It's too late !

Wallop!

Bitch ! Bitch !

Bitch ! Bitch !

You don't understand ! Jim, please !

Listen ! All those weekends !

Those bendy fucking yoga weekends in Dartmouth !

Jim, please !

Oh, you were bending all right, weren't you ?

In all the right fucking places ! Oh please, Jim...

Just let me...

I just want to explain to you.

You've done enough explaining, haven't you?

Jim, I'm sorry. I love you.

Please, don't leave me down.

What a mess.

They fuck you up !

They don't mean to, Eff.

But they do.

Effy!

Not now, Mum. Effy!

Bugger it, Eff.

You can't half leg it.

And I've got cross-country badge!

Do you think your mum and funny beard have been, you know...

making monkey ?

Yes, Pandora. They've been making monkey.

Wow ! Surfed and turfed ?

Yup.

Eff. Eff, don't cry.

Does this mean you're not coming to my pyjama party ?

I'm not crying.

Right. But my party ?

Sure. Why not ? Let's get totally, totally fucked.

Um, yeah, that's the thing. My mum's gonna be there,

and we're gonna put on pyjamas and play Twister.

It's brilliant fun, more fun than getting fucked.

Probably. And then you're all going to tell me how to do it with Tommo

because basically, I haven't got a clue.

Pandora, why are we friends ? Do you ever wonder ?

Well, that's super easy. You're my pal because you're the coolest ever,

and I'm yours because I'll totally do anything you say

and none of your boyfriends ever want to surf me cos' I'm useless.

That's it ? Yeah.

Come on,

Let's get hot chocolates. Cool.

Effy ! Hey !

Oh, shit !

I've been ringing you loads!

You know Danny, he plays for the Bristol Rovers Reserves, yeah ?

Yes, nice one, tasty.

This is my new best friend, Effy.

Cool tits, yeah ?

Sorry ?

Nice jugglies, babe. Perky. Danny !

He doesn't mean it,

Do you, babes ? Fuckin' right I do !

Yeah ! And I'm Pandora.

Ok. Hey kid, you should come up the ground, watch the lads train, yeah ?

Cos' after, we get some Lambrinis in, we go lucky in the showers ?

He's joking, right ? Um, yeah. Right.

Anyway. Can't wait for this party tonight !

I've got a shitload of weed and pills.

Weeds ? Um, no... Cool.

Yeah man. Way safe.

Orgy !

You're not coming. It's girls only. Right ?

Yeah.

We're gonna tell secrets and get intimate, no boys.

Intimate ?!

Yes. Nice one ! Take photos, babe !

So I've got Flying Saucepans and Love Fountains.

Woo! We're gonna fry ! But, we're doing Twister.

Cool. You can snort that, right ?

Not exactly. Love Fountains are mint !

Mum's making brownies.

You ok ?

She's upset because her mum's been making monkey and her dad's gone ape.

Huh ?

Bananas ! Cos Beardy Steve's been making her do the Funky Gibbon and...

I've boobed, haven't I ? Yes !

Me loves the Funky Gibbon !

Danny ! Yeah ?

You're gonna fuck off ? We need girl time.

Yeah ? Practice your ball skills, babe.

I'll do that keepy-uppy thing later, remember ?

Oh, yeah !

Cool !

Mum's done the signal.

So everybody knows where my party is.

How many people did you invite ?

Um. Four. You, Eff, Emily and Naomi.

Naomi ? Why did you invite her ?

Em's says I have to or she won't come.

Ah. Sweet ! Come on.

We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.

Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time?

Sometimes I wonder.

Mum !

Blastification !

Drat ! Drat ! Fiddlesticks !

Panda, we have spoken about shouting like a goat in the house.

Sorry. Look, Mum. Friends !

Still shouting, Panda. Calm time, please.

I'm calm.

I'm calm.

I'm calm.

So, this is Effy.

Effy ! We meet at last. Yes.

Pandora has told me so much about you.

Yeah, you know, Eff, your missionary work.

Yes, I try and do as much of that as I can.

That's good. There's so many bad things in the world.

Boys, and drugs, guns, alcohol.

Boys. Evil things.

I'm glad Pandora's found a channel she can pour her energy into.

Well, yes, all the seamen like her.

Seamen ? Oh, yes.

Loads of seamen. Some of them are homeless as well.

We'd all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position.

Right...

Lovely. And this is ? Katie.

Katie. I haven't heard about you.

She's a new friend, Mum. Stupid.

Well, that's wonderful.

We're not used to having so many friends, are we, Panda?

No. And I've got more. Heaps more. Two more.

Four friends. Goodness. We're going to have a wild old time, aren't we?

I hope you all like playing Monster in the Dark.

Looking forward to it.

I expect you all want to wash your hands and take your shoes off.

Come on. I'll show you mum's special box.

Fucking hell.

Yes ?

Nothing, young lady.

I have nothing to say to you at all.

What the fuck is that ? Hi.

Jesus.

I've never been to a pyjama party before, so I brought vodka.

Was that right ? Dunno.

I don't wear pyjamas.

Right.

I dunno why she invited me anyway.

I hardly know her.

I asked her to invite you.

I thought we sorted this out. No, I didn't mean like...

Well, it doesn't hurt to get to know each other, does it ?

We're in the same class. We'll be hanging out for the next two years...

You going to tell people you're gay anytime soon ?

What ? I'm not. I'm not gay.

Telling you, Em. You haven't thought this through, have you?

No.

So can I just say again?

Me, not muff muncher. Me, cock cruncher.

You getting any cock?

I have done.

Except he had erectile dysfunction. 17 times.

I was getting tennis elbow, you know.

Yes? Can I help you with something?

No.

This is a quiet cul-de-sac and you are disgraceful young women.

Yeah? So go fuck yourself, tosser.

Hi!

Hey... what? Hey!

Mum ! More friends ! Naomi and Emily ! Calm, please, Panda.

Oh, yeah. I'm calm.

I'm calm.

We've been so looking forward to this, haven't we, Panda ?

Yeah.

What ?

Oh, yeah. Shoes !

Are you all chums ?

Oh, yeah. Ems and Naomi are real good friends.

How lovely !

Really good, and now they like me as well.

Hang on. Aren't you Katie ?

That's the amazing thing ! Katie !

They're twins. C'est incroyable, baby!

Sorry?

It's French. Thomas taught me ! He's such a blinkin' dream and...

Bugger. Thomas ?

Who's Thomas?

Oh, you know...

Pandora. I do hope you haven't been defying me on the subject of boys.

He's my boyfriend, actually.

He does, um, excellent French.

Right. Well, Pandora knows my opinion on boyfriends.

They just want to get into my box. Yes, and I do hope all of you will respect

That in this house we do not allow unruly males at parties.

I'm sure your parents would say the same thing.

Um...yeah. Yeah.

Boys. Eeugh. Disgusting.

There you go, Katie and Emily. Completely identical.

Are you interested in all the same things?

Um...

I'm not sure.

You like Twister, though ? Sorry ?

Twister! It's brill! It's gonna be twistomatic, baby!

Pandora gets over-stimulated. We do exercises nightly.

Oh, I've left pyjamas out for you all.

They're pink...and clean. Very, very clean.

Ooh. Are they nicely gooey?

I'm certainly hoping so.

Heavenly.

You know, I'm wondering if you aren't a little bit naughty, Effy.

I am.

Well, I bet you're naughty enough

to try these brownies with me before anybody else.

I'll try anything.

Ok, then. Let's dive in.

I love brownies. I love them.

Twister.

Are you shitting me?

Don't worry.

I spiked the chocolate brownies with MDMA.

You what?

Yeah. Appreciate it, ok. There's fucking 40 quid's worth in there.

You think it's funny ? It is kind of.

Yeah, enter into the spirit, Ems.

So, Katie, you gonna be nice to me now we're Twister pals?

I promise not to grab your minge and everything.

OK, ha ha. Hands off the muff and we're sorted.

Gotcha ! No buffing the beaver. No groping the growler.

Don't tickle on my tinkle !

Ok, I won't fluff up your flange. You done ?

Yep. We're double done with the DNA dump.

Hey, guys! What do you think?

Mum made them specially, and look!

Jesus.

So you can have Sexy Poo...

or Brainy Poo.

Except for me, cos I have Panda Poo !

Mum and me sewed 'em on. It was a wacker job, I'm telling you.

I'm not wearing that. Why not ? It's a pyjama party.

What the fuck ?

Give it here. Oh, whizzer poo !

Because look what goes with them. Isn't Mum wick ?!

Are they getting undressed ?

Cook, they're not. Why would they get undressed ?

Can I just remind you that Pandora's party

is specified as a girls only event ?

Yup. And you know what that means ?

Of course I do.

Ok, so I'm not 100% sure what it means.

So let me enlighten you, Double J.

Pyjama party means only one thing... girls getting friendly.

Friendly?

Oh, yeah. Real friendly.

Hang on. Even I know that only happens in overblown

and possibly illegal teen dramas.

Mum says there's a lot less sex going on than I might imagine.

You never experienced wish fulfilment, J?

Never.

They're all in there,

girls getting to know each other, experimenting, getting lubed up

and gagging for forbidden fruit and we're gonna give it to them.

If Freddie was here...

Do you see Freddie? Did we invite Freddie?

No. And why didn't we invite him ?

Because he's a fun-sponge ? You got it.

You see ? It's a sign.

Yes ? Um... hello.

I'll call the police.

Cook?

Cook?!

Come on!

This is a fantasy and I have to tell you, a poorly constructed one.

Just because I have a natural facility on a climbing wall...

Come on, we need to see them doing it.

For the last time, they are not going to be doing it.

They will not be naked, and they will not be engaged in mutual masturbation...

Check. What ?

I'm requesting a check. Is that too much to ask of a friend ?

What the fuck ?

Oh, my God, oh, my God ! What... what ? What ?

They're n.. na...

Please, say naked. Nearly naked.

That's good enough for me.

Ah...! Cook...! Cook...!

What the fuck ?

Come on, Eff, pyjamas. Whatever...

Cook, I can't hang on. I'm going to slip!

What was that ?

Nothing. Tummy. Too much cake...

Hey, Mum. Look. We're pretty in pink!

Oh! That's wonderful, girls.

I must compliment myself, though.

My brownies are usually delicious, but I've really excelled myself.

This is my third already.

Yum... I'm gonna have three. Thanks, Mum.

Yeah, sure...

Wow. Listen to that.

Can you hear the music ?

Oh, yeah !

Mum ?

Oh, that's beautiful.

Oh, it sounds...

What's she doing ? Wonderful ! oh, wow !

Yeah, I'm getting it !

I'm telling you. That is fucking good shit !

What have you done?

Eat a cake, Panda. It's gonna be a long night.

I'm telling you, man. We gotta fucking get in there !

No. No ?

Freddie says, every time you ask me to do something, just say no.

He said that ? Yes. It's a song ...

Which gives useful lifestyle advice, but

More than that, it's a state of mind.

Maybe me and Freds we're gonna have words.

But somehow, love you or leave you Gay J,

I'm going to this party !

You coming ?

No.

Just say no.

Suit yourself, Gay J.

Oh, balls!

Freds, you gotta get down here! We've gone to Nine.

Nine?

Affirmative. It's a Niner. Code Red.

He's going in. Stop him, JJ. Stop him !

Result.

Eurgh!

Oh, God...

Dump her in here! Dump her in here!

Shit! Fuck!

That was so... so fun.

Is she breathing?

Yep. Safe.

Oh, man!

Panda, come on ! Let me in. Go away !

It was a joke. It wasn't even me !

You always bog everything up !

It's always you ! You do everything you like

just cos' you're depressed, cos' your mum's getting wacked up the pants !

Well, bogging bog off !

This is my party and I'm upset because my boyfriend got deported

and you're supposed to be eating jelly and playing Twister at my party

and telling me how to pop my cherry with my boyfriend !

Christ's sake ! I will show you how to do a blowjob.

I don't want a blowjob.

I want my boyfriend back !

Panda, I was just....

Panda !

Um... she's upset.

Do I ever get to be upset ?

Do I ever get to be anyone but me ?!

Eff... Fuck off !

Effy, just...

Panda...

Oh, for Christ's sake !

Get Cook out. Don't get arrested.

They will not be naked. I'm going in.

Where you going ?

Wine. I want wine.

Hurry up with it !

Get beer, lezzer !

All right, all right ! Keep your vagina on.

So... what do you want, Ems ?

Pinot Grigio, or...

cider oblivion ?

Anything...

Just give me a fucking...

just... just give me a...

It's only the drugs, right ?

You liked that?

You're gay.

Yes.

Oh, my giddy, giddy, giddy...

Aunt !

Fuck.

Shit.

Hey, Katie ! Katie !

Where are you, girl ?! Which fucking house, girl ?!

What's going on, kidder ?!

The lads ! Wahey !

Oh, shit.

Yes! Pyjama party, check it out, lads.

Nice one !

No, No. You're not meant to be here, remember ?

Come on. Have a heart. We lost 7-0 again, innit ?

You know the lads... Tommo...

Marco... How you doing, man ?!

Jonno... Sambo... Keeno...

Danno...

Paedo !

Nice !

Sorry.

Hello ?

The fucking door's locked itself, hasn't it ?

Hey.

Hey.

You should've pulled.

I will now, won't I ?

Is this the cupboard for mindless sex ?

You don't give a fuck about anything, do you ?

Nope.

Go away.

Go away.

Please.

I want my boyfriend.

Yeah.

Wait.

Hang on. Don't push.

I wanna...

Wait! There's something here.

No.

Aargh!

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Are we...?

Are we next door?

We're next door.

Hello. I'm Martin. This is Angela.

Hi.

And this is how we have sex.

Oh. That's lovely, Angela.

Thank you, Martin.

Could you rub a little harder ? Certainly.

You ! Yes, you.

I've called the police, you know ?

I'll be giving Angela a report when she gets back.

Right.

It's nearly nine o'clock...

disgusting. Absolutely shocking, what you kids get up to.

Shocking !

JJ ?

Throw me through the ceiling ! Throw me through the fucking ceiling !

JJ ! JJ ! JJ !

G... g... got locked on, Freds.

It's gone to a 12. Easy.

It's all right. It's all right.

Come on. We're gonna leave, come on.

Yeah? All right?

I didn't want to leave without him, you know ?

It's an international incident. I thought he was gonna...

gonna... I didn't want to leave without him.

Fuck him, JJ.

Freddie.

You came.

Cool.

JJ gets locked on. You have to look after him.

I thought Cook...

Cook's his friend.

I think Cook's your friend, isn't he ?

Not necessarily.

Hey, you'll never guess what Pandora's mum...

We're going home, Eff.

Where's Pandora ?

Come on.

I didn't mean to fuck everything up.

My parents are splitting up.

I'm sorry.

I got trashed.

I'm sorry about that.

It's shit.

All right, Panda ?

Hi.

We're the last ones standing. No one's got any stamina these days.

Right. Whizzer !

I wanted to play Twister...

and then the girls were gonna tell me how to do sex.

Bummer.

How do you do it, anyway ?

Huh ? You know, you've done loads of sex.

No, Twister.

Oh ! Well, you spin the dial,

and then you put your hands and feet where it tells you.

Hey, Panda ?

Yes, Cookie ?

Do you want me to show you ?

What ?

You know.

Wow. You really are beautiful.

So are you, Mum.

I wanted to be.

One more time.

See ya later.

Any good ?

I don't know what you mean.

I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah ?

There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Eff.

Just cos I'm useless, don't mean I'm nothing.

We're friends because you don't surf-and-turf my men. You said that !

He's not yours, Eff. He'll never belong to anyone.

Shut up ! That's why you don't really want him.

Shut up ! He's not the one you want, Eff !

Shut up!

You see, I know that because I'm your friend.

But you don't make enough effort, Eff.

I'm just there to laugh at.

You don't know me.

My life.

My family. My mum.

Why don't you know anything about my mum?

I know everything about yours.

You're right.

I don't know anything about your mum.

I'm sorry. Ok ?

Yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

What ?

Careful what you wish for, Pandora.

Why ?

Panda ! Panda !

Look, I'm here!

It's me.

Are you not glad to see me?

Mother said I could come back.

What's wrong?

Don't be a twat, Thomas. Give your girlfriend a hug.

Yes...

Oh, Panda.

I missed you...

I missed you too much.

It's ok.

Everything is ok.

Everything is A1.

I'm sorry.

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