Original subtitles

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE NEARBY

MOBILE BEEPS

Hello, Anthea.

Is Tony here?

He is.

So... could I talk to him?

Haven't seen you for a while, Michelle.

You must have been very busy, yeah?

I... Anthea...

I'm sorry. It's been difficult.

Yeah, it has. It's been very, very difficult.

And he's starting to get better

and I don't want anyone screwing that up,

because they can't make their mind up, OK?

< Mum?

It's rude to keep people waiting on the doorstep.

How are you feeling?

Good.

I start doing whole days at college next week.

I can hold a pen for three pages now

and I can remember the words to a whole song.

Go on then.

OK. Let me get this. OK.

I'm Tony Tony, Tony, Tony

I'm Tony Tony, Tony, Tony

I'm Tony I'm Tony, Tony, Tony tonightl

That's just the chorus.

It's a start.

How much do you actually remember about us, Tony?

I remember.

So tell me something.

Sid loves you.

No. Sid loves Cassie, Tony.

He loves you.

That isn't about you and me.

I don't like to think about us. >

Why not?

They told me some things might never come back.

You used to say one tit was bigger than the other.

< Look at me, for fuck's sake.

They're fine.

Tony.

What are we going to do?

You can do this, OK?

OK.

You want it!

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

This is ridiculous!

I'm sorry.

SHE SNIFFS

(Tearfully) Why can't you get better for me?

We had so much and it's all fucked up for ever.

It's just the way it is, Nips.

You bastard! What the fuck were you doing in the road! You idiot!

You fucking idiot!

DOOR OPENS

< It's time you went, Michelle. Don't you think?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it to happen.

No, but it did, didn't it?

< So just go.

I'll wait for you downstairs.

I don't think I can wait any more, Tony.

I got you a present.

It's a birthday present.

For the good times.

I'm going camping for my birthday.

OK, well, I don't want to come, so...

take it.

Those boxes over there. And this lot over there in the kitchen.

Michelle! Come on.

Yeah. Why aren't you bringing furniture?

It's so weird.

We discussed this.

New start. Clean sheet.

You've known him for two months.

You didn't have to get married for Christ sakes - again!

Well, fuck it. I did marry him, Reader. And here we are.

Come on. You'll love it.

Careful with that, it's fragile!

(Fuckin' bi... )

Where is everything?

It's minimal. Functional.

- Modern. - Yes.

Bit wanky.

Yes... No! Christ! You don't have to be negative just for the sake of it.

It's totally state of the art.

Check this out.

Blinds up.

Lights on.

Music on.

AMBIENT MUSIC

Marvellous. We'll never have to use our hands again!

It's empty.

Ted hates mess.

- No shit. - Chelle!

Well, this is exactly the kind of place you hate.

Totally up itself. Over designed, self-conscious, anal...

Who designed this bollocks for him, anyway?

Some kind of knobby interior designer...

- It was you, wasn't it? - You can be so judgmental.

Oh, my God...!

It's a shag pad. You designed him a shag pad and shagged him in it.

It wasn't like that. Well, it was a bit like that.

Must have been the way he went through my swatches.

Ugh!

Look, love.

He's the one.

We've got a future and I'm gonna go for it.

Just wish your future started after I'd left home.

A few subtle changes here and there,

a touch of colour, and we'll be fine.

Door open.

- Second bedroom, yeah? - Yeah. This one's mine.

Buggerin' hell!

This one's actually a lemon squeezer.

Thank Christ for that!

(Man) Fuck me senseless...

KEYPAD TONES

RINGING TONE ON PHONE

- Hi. - Hey. What's it like?

A fucking nightmare, of course!

All there is, is sheep, sheep shit and my mum.

I'm not having such a hot time myself.

'Can't you come down and help? '

I don't know how to get out of here.

It's fucking miles. What are you doing?

Baby-sitting.

'We're still going camping for my birthday? '

I'm not sure you wanna share a tent with these guys.

Anyway, stay cool, yeah?

Right. Where were we? Michelle's annoyed with you...

Yeah, my willy's gone wonky and I'm a little bit mad.

OK. Anwar's acting weird...

Totally, man.

If I didn't know better I would say he was fucking someone secretly.

No way.

It's not possible.

(Jal) OK.

And you went to Scotland to see Cassie and she wasn't there

and you think she's off shagging some Scottish guy named Lachlan.

- And my dad's dead. - Bummer.

Sorry about that.

Chris - got anything to offer?

(Chris) Bubbles.

They go up and up and up...

And then... they disappear.

Poof!

Chelle! >

Chelle! >

I need help with lunch! >

Chelle!

WATER SPLASHES

CHELLE! >

Blinds up.

Blinds up!

Music?

JAZZ PIANO MUSIC

Music, better?

ROCK MUSIC

OK...

Blinds, go fuck yourselves!

Aargh!

Oh, hi, Michelle! Everything OK?

(Michelle) Fuck!

Blinds! Blinds... close!

Blinds down! Close! Blinds!

Aaargh! Close blinds!

Help!

< Mmm-mm.

Ah...

< Mmm.

< Oh, perfect!

< Yum-yum! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

This is...

This is lovely, Ted.

Isn't it?

You know, that was the moment for me

when you said you loved yellowfin tuna. Oh, yeah.

I said to myself, "Any girl that loves Mies van der Rohe furniture,

"Corbusier and tuna sashimi has got to be right for me."

Oh, Ted, you're so sweet!

You know -

Mum's last husband, Malcolm, said something very similar.

Oh?

Oh, yeah...

- Actually, I'm getting that wrong. - Darling, there's no need to...

He just said he liked your big fat arse, didn't he?

Oh! Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit!

Darling, allow me.

Ah!

Lovely! Oh, nice and salty.

I thought we could go christen the er, the tub later.

The tub?

Mmm. New toy. Very social, fresh air,

couple of Creamy Dream cocktails, hot tub, what could be better?

Erm, I'm not sure.

You know, we're all gonna be so happy together. Right?

Right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Ted Rankles...

Oh, yes...

Hey, Gorgeous Plums! What?

What?!

A cheese omelette? She made it with margarine?

Yeah, of course, trans-fats.

Yeah. Of course you can, come over.

Ted! >

Yeah. OK, sweetheart.

Yeah, take her car. I fucking pay for it after all. Yeah!

OK, yeah, see you soon. Mm-mmm. Mwah!

Who was that?

Scarlett, my daughter.

Your daughter?

Yes. Darling, I was going to tell you.

Scarlett lives with her mum in Henley and...

You know, Diane can be such a bitch.

Poor old Plums.

She'll be here in an hour.

Another cracked nipple, anyone?

Er, yes!

Haven't quite got the hang of this yet. >

Ah...

You didn't tell me...

I'd forgotten. Anyway, I didn't think she'd...

- "Gorgeous Plums"?! - Oh, yeah.

Bugger. I keep doing that!

CAR PULLS UP

(Ted) Ah. That must be her!

Here she is!

He-he-hey! Teddy Bear! My Teddy Bear!

She is such a titless, jealous bitch, that's what she is!

What did you ever see in that saggy old bint?

You can't talk about her like that.

That's what you always call her.

Not sure that I do.

You said that she was a menopausal old hag

and they'd have to stockpile HRT for like a decade and...

Oh, they're here.

Yes. Remember I told you, they're moving in today.

- Do they have to? - Yes, love. We discussed this.

Now you know Anna...

- Nice to see you again, Scarlett. - Hi.

- And this is Michelle. - Mee-chelle?

It's Michelle, actually.

Whatever. Daddy, you can't make me live with her any more.

Oh, Munchkin!

Erm, perhaps we should talk about it? I'm sure your Mum...

She doesn't want me here!

I do! I do. It's just that...

Anyway. I've decided to take another year out before going to uni.

- Right... - I won't waste it. I'm gonna do stuff.

I thought I might take an evening class in Chinese or something.

I mean, they're all Chinese now, aren't they?

And you always said that tu casa was my casa.

Well, of course you can stay here, sweetheart.

It's not like you'd put me out on the streets.

- No, Bunny. - Thank you, Daddykins, I love you.

I love you, too, Possum Poo.

I'm going to my room.

(Scarlett) Dad! Someone's put their stuff in my fucking room!

She won't be here long. Well, not that long.

A few weeks.

We're not entirely sure, but...

- Mum... - I'm sorry.

I promise we'll do something great for your birthday, yeah?

It's OK. Jal says we can go camping, maybe. Least I'll be out of the way.

Oh, darling, you're not in the way.

It's hard to be out of the way of those tits.

(Stop it.)

Some pair of bazookas, eh?

I love you, Bunnyflaps!

I love you too, Lardy Buns!

Hi.

Tub anyone?

It's totally heated by solar power.

12,000 litres of heaven, 15 settings.

Whirlpool,

uprush,

and Vesuvio...

Whoo! Let's give it a go!

No need to be shy, darling.

I mean, we're all family now!

Wonderful.

Hey, Cheeky!

Chelle!

Wonderful!

Come on in, it's lovely!

Hey, where's Michelle?

Poor old Plum's stuck here with us oldies,

why don't you get her to take her to meet some of her friends?

They'll love Scarlett. Everybody loves Scarlett.

I've been doing some courses.

Er, dog walking, Cordon Bleu barbecue, intermediate eroticism...

And the rest of the time I just sewed.

I made this, erm, this pair of shorts, actually.

They're a lovely pair.

Really lovely pair.

Lovely.

Anyway, we still going camping?

Sid?!

Yeah?

Jal wants us all to go camping. For my birthday?

It was only a suggestion.

I can't.

- I'm going to be... - What?

Nothing, erm... Hey, Max!

- You all right, mate? - Fine. Fine. I'm really fine as in, whoa!

Fine.

OK.

Max, this is Scarlett.

Whoah!

Hi!

What do you think about camping, Max?

Well, if guys wanna do it, it's their business.

Personally, I like a more butch look.

ALL LAUGH

Thing is, you know, erm, coursework... Skint.

Chris?

Nipples... What?

Thanks for the enthusiasm, everyone(!)

Camping's wicked! Campfires, a few spliffs, booze, alfresco sex.

What could be better? We should go!

Hang on, "we"?

Spliffs, booze and alfresco sex!

What... What is that?

Shagging under the stars. There's nothing like it.

I'm in.

Erm... We haven't got a car and...

I have an enormous Volvo.

I think that swings it.

(Sal) So that's Monday everyone. Monday!

Final English coursework deadline and if you miss it,

you're gonna be fucked. Got that, Chris?

Fucked. Got it, Sal.

(Sal) No, I mean it everybody! Don't let me down.

Are you listening to?

PHONE RINGS

Barrie? Yeah. I'm ovulating. Meet me in the stationery cupboard?

< No, I mean it. It's now or never.

What's up? We're going camping, OK?

I didn't invite Scarlett Bitch and you're all gagging over her.

She... She seems really nice.

She's a cow! I don't want her coming!

She's just... Just...

Michelle, we're gonna go camping and we're going to be nice. OK?

LAUGHTER

Ow!

For fuck's sake, Sid!

Sorry. I dropped the spliff again.

Er... fucking hell.

(Chris) See, the problem with beach sex is sand on the nads.

(Sid) Think I see it.

- Sweaty nads plus sand equals chafing. - You've got sweaty nads?

Me? No.

No. Sand just rolls off 'em like talcum powder

due to my exceptionally smooth, thus, self-draining bollocks.

(Jal) Fuck's sake. We've already had three bifters.

Leave it down there.

(Chris) Nah, find it, man!

(Maxxie) We've lost all feeling below the knees back here.

(Anwar) It's like torture!

(Maxxie) Yeah.

(Maxxie) No, hang on. Yeah.

Why didn't Tony wanna come?

Said he didn't feel like it.

That's it? That's all he said?

There's no room in the car, is there?

No. Here we go...

Hang on.

SID FARTS Agh!

(AIl) You're so gross! You're disgusting!

That's your birthday present, Chelle!

(AIl) Aghhh!

Oh, you tramp!

ALL GROAN

Seriously, guys.

What did you all get me for my birthday?

Wow.

(Scarlett) Me and my friends always come here.

That's wicked, man!

What do you think, Meesh?

It's fucking Michelle, all right?

OK.

People usually like my nicknames. Don't they, Spunky?

Spunky... Iove it.

(Oh, for fuck's sake!)

(Anwar) What's my nickname, Scarlett?

(Maxxie) Knobless.

(Anwar) This is beautiful, man. Just like Baywatch.

(Chris) Right then! First things first.

Skinny dipping!

Skinny dipping?

Yeah...

Come on, there's only us here. What are you guys, a bunch of pussies?

I'm not.

Coolio.

< I'll race you.

Yo! Ha!

Ha ha!

Never seen one like that before (!)

LAUGHTER

< Oh, my God, Anwar! You really did it.

What?

Wearing all my clothes.

It's compact. Saves on the luggage. I got ya!

Anwar, have you been shaving stuff?

Allahu Akba-a-a-a-ar!

Wo-o-o-o-oh!

Let's go! >

WHOOPING AND LAUGHING

Allahu Akbar!

All right?

Jal says you went to see Tony.

It's over, Sid.

I tried...

I can't...

It just doesn't work any more.

I'm not a good enough person. That's all there is to it.

Hey. You're good enough.

Ugh... She does my head in.

Just got to get to know her a bit.

She's fun.

And I'm not?

Always.

You OK, Sid?

Sometimes.

I keep forgetting Dad's...

Anyways. We should get the tents up.

Gimme a hand getting them off the...

Roof...

- It's not my fault! - I told you to tie the tents to the roof!

You said to put the stuff on the roof. Nobody said anything about tying.

You meader, Chris!

What do you think was holding them up there, you muppet?

Where the fuck are we gonna sleep?

I'm sorry!

Fuck it. I'm inadequate. What can you do?

This.

CRUNCHING

Oh, that has gotta hurt!

It's OK. I put mine in the boot.

Might be a bit of a squeeze, but we can probably manage.

All you have to do is peg it down.

ALL CHEER

Yo, Scarlett!

I got it when I went travelling. My dad bought it for me.

(Jal) We love your Dad!

Pull yourself together, girl, for fuck's sakes.

What you got?

I don't know.

I'll save it for later.

What's wrong with me?

How long you got?

Think we're all gonna fit in?

We're gonna have to squeeze up.

Real close. Eh, Scarlett?

It's going to be warm.

Get off!

- Hang on. - What is it?

Does the sea sound louder?

Huh?

Oh, my God!

CAR ALARM

Oh, my God, my car!

Where are the keys! Oh, my God, where's the keys!

Nice.

< Anwar?

Who the fuck's that?

That's your stalker, Maxxie.

Hello, Maxxie.

What... What are you doing?

Listen...

She broke into my flat!

Then she tried to poison me!

I can probably explain.

You'll just need to give me a minute.

Dude, what else can I say? I like her. >

- She's a fucking bunny boiler! - She's all right, man.

She's a freak! And you call yourself a friend?

- I am! - How could you do this?

I was going to tell you. Max, if only you could see how much she's changed.

I've changed.

I've transferred my affections...

She's transferred her affections, man.

Now... she's fixated on me.

Isn't that great?

You lied to me, An!

I know... Look, will somebody help me out here? Make him see...

You shouldn't lie, Anwar. Not to Max.

I'm sorry, Maxxie.

I was going through some stuff.

I know that's not an excuse.

You too, Michelle.

I was a bit ga-ga. And I'm sorry, I really am.

I know that now.

Please. Everyone...

Please, forgive me?

Whatever.

Well, I don't know about any of this, but I think we've got to lift this mood, yeah?

Chris, did you get that guitar out of the car

before it got so fucked up my Dad will string me up?

(Chris) Yeah... It's OK, I think.

Let's give it a go.

Oh, please, no...

# If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?

# If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours, this way?

# I don't wanna run away, but I can't take it, I don't understand

# If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

# Is there any way that I can stay

# In your arms? #

(AIl) Yeah! Brilliant! And again! Again!

I love a bit of Bedingfield!

Ignore him, Anwar.

He's just jealous of our burning love.

(Scarlett) There's something about your eyes. >

Yeah, the right one's always been lazy.

- (Scarlett) No, I mean they're lovely. - (Sid) Oh!

I thought that the moment I met you.

Surprising, really, given that they were burning a hole in my bra.

Sorry... I didn't mean to... Sorry.

I don't mind. You can look.

You can do more than look if you want.

Oh. Right.

Um... Are you?

Yes, I am.

OK, erm.

I'm not really after, you know...

(Sid) Thanks. >

Um... actually, I'm in a weird place and, um...

- Well, I've got to, er... - I was just playing with you.

Everyone loves my tits.

I was just having a laugh.

- Yeah, whatever. - Seemed like he fancied me.

Or he would with a little push.

- Sid's not like most guys. - Yeah, I know, that's why I've...

- Maybe he doesn't like you. - Oh, not possible.

He was telling me about his dad.

He's so cute.

His dad is dead.

- He's probably a bit vulnerable, you know. - I know. Shit!

He says that you're the only one that knows how to talk to him.

- He said that? - Because you've known each other for ever.

And sometimes he thinks that he knows you better than you do.

And that's when I decided to show him my tits.

I'm a bitch.

Go on. You can probably catch him.

Even I can tell he needs a hug, and I'm the insensitive cow.

OK. Thanks.

You're not a bitch. Are you?

Just pretending.

Sid!

Chelle...

I'm so Ionely.

I know. I know...

(Oh, Christ.)

Happy Birthday, Chelle(!)

Can we go home now, Sid?

Yeah, Chelle. Let's go home.

Yeah, cheers. Bye.

Dunno what I'm supposed to say.

You just...

I suppose we didn't...

I dunno.

Pretend like we didn't...

Um... Help me out here, Chelle.

Ask me inside, Sid.

What?

Wasn't that the best night ever?

I'm not drawing on a wealth of experience here, Chelle.

You made me come, Sid. Nobody's ever done that before.

- Nah! - Let's go inside.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

We have to ring Tony.

- We have to tell him. - Yeah, but not now, yeah?

We can wait a couple of hours maybe?

I can't believe this.

Go up.

I'm back, Mum.

< OK, Sid!

I'm going to bed.

- With Michelle! - Right-o.

- To sleep with her. - Yep.

Again!

< CROCKERY SMASHES

I want you to do it again, just like you did. Come on...

Hello, Sid. Hello, Michelle.

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