Original subtitles

(Woman on monitor) 'Lucy? Can you hear me? '

'Lucy! '

CAMERA CLICKS

SHE GROANS

SHE GROANS

SIGHS AND BREATHES HEAVILY

You wearing perfume, love?

It's the new air freshener thing.

I bought it for the bathroom.

Thought Maxxie got you perfume. Thought, "Here's posh,

"boyfriend who buys you perfume."

- He'd buy me perfume if I asked. - I know. Do anything, wouldn't he?

Long as you don't introduce him to the scary disabled mother, that is.

- I will introduce him to you. - When the cock crows thrice, I know.

Done?

BREAKS WIND AND LAUGHS

Always leave the waters a tip, that's what your gran used to say.

(Own voice in her head) 'Did you hear that?

'The building's coming down, there's nothing we can do.'

If I'm to die,

I'd rather it be with you than anyone else in the world.

(American accent) Darling, oh, darling, how long I've waited to hear those words.

PIANO PLAYS

Once I was a lonely banker

All I cared for were margins and accounts

I'd pass you on the phone each morning

I knew one day that love would sprout

Then came the day Osama blew us away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away

And now I know how I feel

(Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away

Osama blew them away

Then came the day Osama blew us away

Osama blew them away

Then came the day...

< No, no, no, no, NO!

No.

Do you know what this is? >

This is my script >

and I'm burning it.

And do you know why? Becau...

Does someone wanna give me a hand here, please? Quickly, quickly, thank you.

Because... You know I've burnt my... fing...

Because you made it shit!

Shitl

Do you know what we're doing here?

Do you?

Max...

This is an opportunity, a real opportunity, to tell the tragedy of my people.

- You're American(?) - (American accent) Yes, I am. Metaphorically.

(Normal voice) Look, in two hours' time, this woman will be dead. Dead! You know why?

Because Osama in pyjamas is making his way up the stairs

to take us unawares.

Oh, get off me, Bruce.

(American accent) Outside, the world is crumbling,

the towers are coming down.

But soon... she'll forget.

When two lips... Oh, sod it, time for show and tell.

HE GROANS

LAUGHS

Mmm... Aaarrrgh!

To paraphrase Mr Punch, son,

"That's the way to do it."

Now, from Michelle's verse! Come on! Whoo!

PIANO PLAYS

I'd bring you coffee and a bagel

But you never had the time for me

I dreamed that one day you'd say, "Hey, girl

"That bagel's mighty fine, it's plain to see"

Then came the day Osama blew us away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away

And now you know how I feel

(Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away

Osama blew them away...

LIGHT CRASHES

SCREAMING

What the fuck?!

It just slipped. Sorry.

ANWAR LAUGHS

Not funny, OK? This is like the 15th present this week.

It's getting quite spooky, innit? How's he getting in your locker?

- I wish he'd just tell me who he is. - What is it?

An Oscar.

Full of chocolate.

- (Anwar) Every actor's dream, though, innit? - (Sid) What are you talking about, mate?

(Anwar) Stalker - the ultimate accessory.

(Sid) Not everyone's as desperate for sex as you, Anwar.

- (Maxxie) Sid! - (Anwar) No, he's right. See these hands?

Fucking friction burns, man!

My sisters are getting suspicious about their disappearing hand cream.

(Maxxie) I'm gonna get you laid tonight.

(Sid) I'll bring some spare hand cream, you just bring your smile!

No, seriously, Sid, what have you come as? A cardboard Big Dickus?

Gladiator to the stars.

Fuck off! >

So, stalky-stalky-stalk-stalk. Do you think he's coming tonight?

- Shit! It could be any one of these people. - Don't!

If he was clever, he'd come as a sort of film where the stalker wins.

You know, Hugh Grant in Four Weddings.

What? How is Four Weddings about stalking?

Four weddings, one funeral, and Hugh just happens to be at all five.

You'd think Andie MacDowell was cleverer than that.

Oh... my... God!

Go on, guess. Guess.

Eh? Give up?

Daisy Werthan.

I don't know who she is, either.

Driving Miss Daisy! Best Picture Oscar, 1990.

And this is my man, who is...

Morgan Freeman.

No! How many times have I got to tell you?

OK, you're Hoke. Yeah? Actor, Freeman, part, Hoke.

You don't know the first thing about films, do you, Kenneth?

- How many films have you seen, Chris? - What? Counting porn?

- Well, no. - One. Driving Miss Daisy. It's a classic.

Interestingly, they did make a porn version of the film

called Fisting Miss Daisy.

It was a really good film. Really stood up to the original. Phenomenal.

MUSIC PLAYS

Here comes my leading lady.

Whoo, what an entrance!

- What? - Oh!

Princess Leia, right? Jinx!

And you look so...

home-made.

Doesn't she, Tony? Gloriously quaint.

(Tony) Hi, Michelle.

You dressed as Luke? For her?

Well, I guess I...

Did I?

Tony!

You think either of them's actually seen Star Wars?

You reckon they know Luke's her brother?

INAUDIBLE

Solid! No...

I stood here solid and no-one could rock me.

But now comes a mullah who'll awe and shock me...

Yep, that works. That really works. That's lovely.

Mr Gelpart. >

Well, I never! The light-dropper.

Thank you. Sincerely. No, I thank you.

You made the rehearsal feel... dangerous.

- I want to act. - Yeah, well, who doesn't?

- I need Michelle's part. - What?

She's terrible.

I should play her.

Oh, my dear...

Come here.

Acting is about truth.

Truth is about beauty.

Ugly people lack believability. Now, how can I put this kindly?

You look like a liar.

I really want that part.

Mmm. Not on my ship, darling.

(Maxxie) In there, mate. Let's see what we can grab.

Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at?

Whoa! Shit! If Bruce can get laid, anyone can.

What's the plan, then, Rambo?

It's an ancient dating strategy for getting laid. >

Mark yourself out of ten, and then aim two points below.

An eight goes for a six.

That way, guaranteed success.

Look, a poodle doesn't get nothing with a Labrador,

but if he aims for a Chihuahua? Woof!

So what number are you, then, hound-dog?

A seven.

A six?

I'm not a five.

Am I a five?

Mate, you're a seven. Course you are.

Yeah, baby! So we need to find me a five, yeah?

MUSIC WITH A JERKY BEAT PLAYS

Mate, I've found your five. Wait here.

What? Where?

< Hi, hello.

< Hi, I, er...

You were the one who dropped the light, right?

Maxxie. You're a fucking genius.

You're single, right?

What?

You got a boyfriend? A guy?

No. I've got no-one. I mean, yeah - I'm single.

Cool.

So what do you say...

dance with my mate, Anwar?

He's seventh heaven.

- Anwar? - Yeah, Anwar, baby.

007.

And you... my Chanel No 5.

Sorry. I've got to go.

What? Hang on.

You sure I'm a seven?

Let's look for some fours, shall we?

Just in case.

I can't believe after everything that's happened,

you'd bring her to the party.

She, er, says I'm her boyfriend.

You're not Tony any more, are you?

Yeah, I'm Tony.

OK.

On the day of the accident, you were on the phone to me. Tell me what you said.

The doctors told me some things would take a while to come back.

OK, then.

Let's bring you back.

(Michelle) Come on, come on. I want to touch you.

I can't...

Course you can.

(Oh.)

You're not...

No. I'm not.

I've got to go.

< Not worth it, are they?

Who the fuck are you?

How come boys could do that to us?

Make us feel like shit?

He didn't...

- You don't understand. - OK.

It's difficult for him now. >

Us now.

But do you remember what it was like to kiss him for the first time?

That magic moment when everything changed?

Fancy a beer?

I say I'm sorry

But you won't forgive me

You say that you're never mad

But your anger fills up the room

I've tried to find you

And send you some money

You think that it's funny

And you laugh at me with all of your friends

I've tried to reach you

But I can't find your number...

TO Y SQUEAKS

DOG GROWLS

DISTANT SCREAMING AND BANGING ON TV

(Walter) Is that you, Maxxie? >

It's the dog, I'm telling you.

PLAINTIVE KEYBOARD MUSIC

MUSIC SUDDENLY LOUD

DOOR SLAMS

(Maxxie) Hey, Dad. Night. >

MOBILE RINGS

(Lucy) 'Underpants.

'To the mirror.

'Cupboard.

'Trousers.

'Back to the mirror.'

Aftershave.

SQUIRTING

Mirror again.

Lucy? That you, love? >

Lucy? >

Yes, Mum.

I need a hand in here. >

Jesus, Mum! What happened?

When you weren't back when you said, I thought you'd gone to bed.

But I wanted to check and...

Am I wet?

I'm wet, aren't I?

- Did you spend the night with him, love? - Don't.

- Let's get these wet clothes off. - No, wait. Better give me a pain pill first.

Better make it two.

No. The doctor said.

They're emetics. I don't want you vomiting.

You're a good girl.

< Maxxie's lucky to have you.

Mum...

...I've got something to tell you.

It was my fault.

I was stupid.

I wanted to be alone, so I went and sat in one of the bedrooms upstairs.

And Bruce...

Mr Gelpart, the drama teacher...

he came in and asked whether I wanted comforting.

And I didn't say no.

It was his party and his house, so...

And it was just his hands.

Mr Gelpart's hands.

I mean, he... didn't make me touch him or put his anything near me.

Just kissed me on the cheek...

and kept kissing me

and rubbing his hands over me.

And he said I was great...

because I had little tits.

"Almost like a boy," he said.

And that was it. He didn't even touch any other part of me. >

Just my cheek...

and my tits.

Right. Cheek and tits. Right.

Right.

< Tits.

Right.

Oh, dear!

I heard he got his cock out and there's a tattoo on it of Harry Potter,

and he starts shouting at Sketch, "Kiss Harry to make him magic!"

Drama teachers, man. "Pretend to be a tree."

"But I'm not a tree." "Well, pretend."

Fucking perverts, the lot of 'em!

Is it true?

Yeah. It's true.

Oh! That creep! That fucking animal! I'm so sorry, Sketch.

I'm the one who should be sorry. I wasn't going to say anything, but my mum insisted and...

Have I ruined everything? The play and...

Fuck the play! Come and sit with us.

That's grown up, Tony.

I've finished. That's all.

What you doing, you tramp?

- (Anwar) In my culture, we share our food. - Michelle's got a new friend, then.

(Maxxie) Yeah.

(Anwar) It's a saveloy, man. It draws me in. It's the devil's plaything.

It's an aphrodisiac, too, I've heard.

(Michelle) Come on, Sketch. We can do better than these two. Let's go.

BUZZER SOUNDS REPEATEDLY

'Sketch? '

Sketch!

(Mum) 'Who is this? '

Who's this? Who are you?

I've had enough of you kids playing. Leave us alone!

'What? Look! Do you have a daughter at the school? '

None of your business. Leave us alone!

'I need to know! This is important. Look, my name's Maxxie.'

Your name's Maxxie?

'Yeah.'

Maxxie in the school play?

Maxxie who's dating my daughter?

- What?! - What are you even doing answering the door?

- The disgrace! - Disgrace?

Lies, all lies! A boyfriend? No, you haven't. In the musical? No, you haven't.

After all I've done for you, you fucking... you fucking...

Oh, my God! The drama teacher!

You've lied about him, too, haven't you?

Well, I'm not gonna let you ruin a man's life.

Ow! No! I didn't bring you up to be a liar!

You didn't bring me up at all, you fucking... cripple!

So... what?

You going to keep holding me to the bed all day and all night, are you?

Whatever trouble you're in, I'll support you.

But this is a man's life.

It's for your own good. Crawling out of bed isn't good for you.

I will not... let you fuck up my life, Mum.

OK?

DOOR CLOSES

Lucy?

Lucy!

Just time to say the things I must

Before my hopes all turn to dust

Now nothing seems to matter

And every word is true

When I say I'm blown away

With you

(Sketch) Then came the day

You blew me away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away

What can I say?

(Sketch) You blew me away

And now I'm falling...

(Chorus) Now I'm falling

(Sketch) We're falling...

In love

(Chris) Ah, the magic of the stage! The thrill of anticipation!

I feel like a Roman about to throw a lion at the Christians.

Chris, it's a school musical.

(Chris) But who do you think would win between Maxxie and a lion?

(Tannoy) 'Osama The Musical, this is your half-hour call.'

Do you want to help me get dressed?

You want me to look good, don't you?

- You nervous? - Oh, God! On a scale of one to...

Oh, fuck scales, I'm shitting it!

You're gonna be so good.

I'm under-rehearsed and shit!

Do you want something to get you through it?

- What have you got? - Pills of my mum's.

You need to take three to get a decent hit.

Anti-anxieties. They'll chill you out.

Go on, I'd love to help you out.

OK, thanks.

RETCHING AND VOMITING

My mother was right!

"Do science," she said, "Do science. Science makes sense."

But the lights drew me... like a moth to a flame.

Right! Nothing for it. Cancellation o'clock.

I know the words!

- What?! - You do?

Oh, my God!

I've been helping her learn them. I know them all.

I think you just saved my Welsh rarebit.

Let's get you into costume. >

We're over ten minutes late now. It's time for action.

If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it does.

- Hi, Tony. - That's someone's seat.

Yes, honey, it's for your queen bee.

Zzzzzz!

MUSIC STARTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Works every time.

We-e-e-e-e-e're...

The last of the superpowers

George Dubya is our leader

We've still got both Twin Towers

Never heard of Al-Qaeda

It's September 11th

Just another day

In a tower in downtown heaven

New York City

U S of A

Today will be better

Today will be the one

Today is no red letter

It's out there to be won

Today my sun is shining

Today is somewhere new

Today's a silver lining

Today will see me through

Today will be better

Today will be the one

Today is no red letter

It's out there to be won

Today you'll know I love you

Today you'll see it's true

Today's a day for saying "I love you"

- What a swell day to live in America! - Gee, it sure is, buddy!

How much d'you make today?

- (Boy) One million bucks! - (Boy 2) Did you see the Wall Street Journal?

- (Girl) Stocks are rising! Have a nice day! - (Girl 2) Have a nice day!

TAP DANCING

(Chorus) Today will be better

Today will be the one...

DOOR OPENS

- Michelle? - I'm in here, Tony.

TOILET DOOR CLOSES

Don't come in.

I've got vomit in my hair.

I just searched half the school for you.

I don't know why.

Because you care about me.

I told you I loved you, didn't I? The day it happened.

The accident.

Do you actually remember, or is that a guess?

Does it matter? Doesn't change anything.

No.

Should I say something else now?

No.

Let's just say nothing for a bit.

SONG IN MUSICAL ENDS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

- Michelle! Is Chelle OK? - I gave her some mild stuff to make her vomit.

From the look of her waist, I'm sure she's thrown up worse.

Who the fuck are you?

Do you believe in magic, Maxxie?

When we kiss...

When we kiss...

I'm gay! Do you understand that?!

Look at me! I'm as close to a boy as you can get!

You could love me.

< We could love each other.

You're fucking crazy!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(Chorus)... You put it all together and what have you got?

You can't help it, can't get it enough

I'm Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Let's get stuffedl

(Chorus) He's the Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Watch him move...

You see? Just like a boy.

Can you feel how hard my heart is beating?

That's because by the end of this play, you'll have kissed me.

And when you kiss me, everything will change. Maxxie, I love you.

EXPLOSION

SCREAMING

EXPLOSION AND SCREAMING

That's our cue.

PIANO PLAYS

Once I was a lonely banker

All I cared for were margins and accounts

I dreamed

Of Dow Jones and the FTSE

I didn't see my credit running out

I passed you on the phone each morning

I always gave a cheery smile

But you

You never even saw me

You were far too busy all the while

Then came the day Osama blew us away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away

And now you know how I feel

(Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away

Osama blew them away

Then came the day Osama blew us away

Osama blew them away

Then came the day Osama blew us away

Osama blew them...

(Maxxie) Nothing.

I felt... nothing.

You disgust me.

No! That's not how it goes! It's not! It's not!

You think you can fuck my life up and I'll start fancying you?

Look at yourself.

Stay out of my life.

Now, that's an ending!

SHE SCREAMS

Must be the crazy blood in me

Makes me feel like I do

So mean and evil

So low down and blue

If you see me comin'

Better turn and look away

If I get too close to you

Better close your eyes

Can't go on this way...

You look beautiful.

< You always look beautiful to me.

...So mean and evil

So low down

And blue

Argh! Fuck!

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

- Can I come in? - Uh...

Well, um...

Maxxie says you're a psycho.

He thinks I fancy him.

I don't. I fancy you.

I wanna have sex with you. But I can't do it from out here, can I?

Shit, man! Biology revision, here I come!

I'm a virgin.

Oh. Congratulations.

You mind if I list the complete filmography of Hugh Grant since '92?

Slow things down.

Bitter Moon.

Remains Of The Day.

Sirens. Four Weddings.

An Awfully Big Adventure - that one was rubbish.

The Englishman Who Came...

Came Up A Hill...

And Went Down A Mountain.

Nine Months. Sense...

And Sensibil...

Restoration. Extreme Measures.

Ah... Notting Hill. Mickey Blue Eyes.

Small Time Crooks.

Bridget Jones! Ah!

Bridget... Jones!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

Ah...

I never get as far as About A Boy.

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