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1
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MOTORHEAD: Ace Of Spades
2
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If you like to gamble
3
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:10,838
I tell you, I'm your man
4
00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:12,353
You win some, lose some
5
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:14,396
Is's all the same to me
6
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,679
The pleasure is to play
7
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,115
It makes no difference what you say
8
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,231
I don't share your greed
9
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,993
The only card I need is the Ace of Spades
10
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The Ace of Spades
11
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,758
Playing for the high one
12
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,114
Dancing with the devil
13
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,077
Going with the flow
14
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,116
Is's all a game to me
15
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,197
(Song drowns out dialogue)
16
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:51,713
Seven or eleven
17
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,916
Snake eyes watching you
18
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:57,999
Double up or quit
19
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,275
Double stake or split
20
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,238
The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades
21
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,551
You know I'm born to lose
22
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,437
And gambling's for fools
23
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:15,078
But that's the way I like it, baby
24
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,116
I don't want to live forever
25
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,356
And don't forget the Joker
26
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,997
Pushing up the ante...
27
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,718
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
28
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,074
Read 'em and weep
29
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:55,912
The dead man's hand again
30
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,318
I see it in your eyes
31
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,072
Take one look and die
32
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,319
The only thing you see
33
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,038
You know it's gonna be
34
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,795
The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades
35
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,950
(Ketchup splutters)
36
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,830
I'm going to the toilet.
37
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,876
See you next Tuesday, then.
38
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,191
Oh, it's a great feeling, Dave,
when your wife fuck s off and leaves you.
39
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:06,759
Is's like a dream come true.
40
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,876
My life now is one big fanny festival.
41
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,555
I don't care if they're black, white,
yellow or purple. I'd shag anyone.
42
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,756
Purple? Who's purple?
43
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,637
Martians?
44
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,631
- They're green!
- Are they?
45
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,995
- Would you shag a Martian?
- Yeah. Would you?
46
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,755
Might as well, I can't remember
t'last time I shagged a human being.
47
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,636
SUPER PREACHERS: Good Karma
48
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:45,234
Have you heard this -
this...fucking sandwich he's got? Tell him.
49
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,959
Well, Linda used to put strawberry jam
on her twat.
50
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,678
So I'd lick her out.
51
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,672
- Blimey!
- Listen to this, Ferris.
52
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,469
Now I'm just addicted to the taste.
Fanny juice and strawberries.
53
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,029
He's got fucking strawberry jam
and fish paste sandwiches.
54
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,951
Fucking hell, Tolly.
55
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,110
Is's the nearest I can get to the flavour.
56
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,430
Go on, have a bite. Is's fucking horrible.
57
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,873
No, thank s.
58
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:09,995
Try it.
59
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,629
Tolly, I ain't eating a sandwich
that tastes like Linda's twat.
60
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,154
It really doesn't, though.
And that's the problem.
61
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,037
Can't quite get the flavour right.
62
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:21,635
Erm...Kings Heath, you know, paint factory.
63
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,918
That's them. And Lozells Road.
You know about that, don't you?
64
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,274
You've already give 'em us.
65
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,557
Have I?
Must've done. Sorry. It was a late night.
66
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,870
Were you up all night watching porn channels?
67
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,554
No, I went round to see Ruth at her flat.
68
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:39,155
Drank a lot of wine, played chess,
talked about book s all night.
69
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,992
You know what it's like.
70
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,118
Anyway, you've er...
you've got the things, so er...
71
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,239
Yeah.
72
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,792
Good stuff.
73
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,598
I went out this bird once, right.
74
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,159
She used to lick my arse.
75
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,993
Like, stick her tongue...right up my arse.
76
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,435
Which is great,
but then she'd try and snog me.
77
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,637
Which is like...fucking...
swings and roundabouts, that is.
78
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,392
You can't fucking win.
79
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,914
I'd hate to think what she has
in her sandwiches.
80
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,516
Shit, probably.
81
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,630
WOMAN:
How's my favourite son-in-law?
82
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:39,872
You know what it's like, Joan,
when you've got all your fingers in a big pie.
83
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,154
I can't find my bag.
Have you seen my bag?
84
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,312
God, Joan, where's your jumper?
85
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,277
In the kitchen.
86
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:53,798
You look nice.
87
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,954
Why don't you pull your trousers down?
88
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,158
Er...
89
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,913
- Do you want me to help you?
- No, no. I can manage.
90
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,150
That's a very lengthy type of sausage.
91
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,598
Yeah.
92
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,272
Don't get many complaints.
93
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,555
You krow about my bad knees
and my arthesis.
94
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,916
I'm on steroids and that.
Why don't I just plonk myself on the table?
95
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,877
Yeah, that could work.
96
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,112
(Sighs)
97
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,919
My mother-in-law gave me a
blow job last night.
98
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,833
Mine gave me a fishing rod once.
99
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:49,674
At the end she wiped herself down
with toilet paper and put it in the ashtray.
100
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,309
And then I was trying to have a fag
and that was the worst bit.
101
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,836
You know, flicking the ash
onto the wet toilet paper.
102
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:00,192
She's 50, you know, Joan.
103
00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,350
I've never seen varicose veins that big.
104
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,838
Is's a tricky one, that, Ferris.
105
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,071
You don't want to upset her
or you'll have nowhere to live.
106
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,072
I can't afford to move out.
Is's going to keep on happening.
107
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,958
Well, there's only way out of that situation.
108
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,553
What's that?
109
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,030
I don't know. I'm just saying.
There's probably only one way out of it.
110
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,076
But I don't know what it is.
111
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,112
I don't pay any rent.
112
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,431
Free food, you know. No bills.
I'm laughing, really.
113
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,193
But I can't go on living with
my mother-in-law for ever.
114
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,838
If I was still married, then...
115
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,196
Well, I am still married legally,
but...you know what I mean.
116
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,396
At least you're getting blow jobs!
117
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,755
Two years ago was last
before I had off Vicky
118
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,158
I don't know what I've done wrong.
119
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,151
I'm scared to go home these days.
120
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,391
If I wasn't so lazy,
I'd become a workaholic.
121
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:02,673
(Fruit machine bleeps)
122
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,477
- Is's the potato men.
- Hiya, Phil.
123
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,471
- How's it going?
- Not bad, not bad.
124
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,312
Still working for Stan?
125
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,549
No.
126
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,790
There's a few things in the pipeline, though.
127
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:19,714
And I'm thinking of setting up
a market stall selling broken biscuits.
128
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,360
- Is's all happening, then.
- Yeah.
129
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,351
So er...you still scared of wasps?
130
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,749
He's frightened to death of wasps.
131
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,957
I'm not scared of 'em.
If they fucking sting you, you know about it.
132
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,715
I bought this candy floss once, right.
About ten fucking wasps attacked it.
133
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,756
I'm like, "Fuck off, out of it."
134
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,516
Just got all tangled up in it.
135
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,556
Couldn't eat it.
136
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,949
Fucking wasps - cunts.
137
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,553
A wasp sting can kill you.
138
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,073
- That's right.
- No, it's not.
139
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,878
It is. Is's well-known, wasp sting.
140
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,758
They can trigger, you know, death in a person.
141
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,877
Yeah, but if you didn't have wasps,
you wouldn't have honey, so...
142
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,632
No, that's bees. Bees make honey.
143
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,951
Well, same thing.
Little fucking stripy jumpers on.
144
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,314
Fuck 'em!
145
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,356
Bees make honey? Since when?
146
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,396
Are you fucking serious?
147
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,789
Bees and wasps, they invented honey.
148
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,950
DAVE:
That's how they became famous
149
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,278
Actually, it's just honey bees that make honey.
150
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:19,039
Honey bees! On jars of honey,
there's always pictures of bees.
151
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,190
FERRIS: Yeah I know I thought.
152
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,919
I thought honey was just treacle with bees in it.
153
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,319
You what?
154
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:29,109
Don't they just mix a few bees up in the treacle?
Flavour it up a bit? I don't know.
155
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,397
- Fucking hell, you don't eat bees.
- How do bees make honey, then?
156
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:34,873
Phil.
157
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,036
They eat flowers, I think.
158
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:48,070
And something to do with eating the flowers
produces a honey effect when they spit it out.
159
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,674
All insects make sweet substances.
160
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,796
Bees make honey and ants make sugar.
161
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,633
- Do they fuck!
- They fucking do, don't they, Phil?
162
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,396
No.
163
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,116
I thought they did.
164
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,635
Why didn't you pick Katie up from my mum's?
165
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,278
Was I meant to?
166
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,952
You smell like a pub.
167
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,589
Yeah, well, it just gets in your clothes,
the smoke and the beer smell.
168
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,914
Did you put that flannel on the telly?
169
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,515
I had a dirty face and erm...
I don't know how it got there.
170
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,034
I'm running round after a child all day.
171
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,156
I'm not running round after you as well.
172
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:33,074
You're the one who wanted a kid.
And now you've got one, it's like it's my fault.
173
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,993
I wanted a family. And this isn't a family.
174
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,389
Because...you're a fucking idiot.
175
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,710
Look, I don't even know what I'm arguing about.
176
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,392
It's very basic Dave.
177
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,516
Is's about being in the house now and again.
178
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,068
Being a proper dad. What's wrong with you?
179
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,469
You know, we're just going round in circles here.
180
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,074
- You're not behaving like a human being.
- No I know.
181
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,310
But who does? You've got to be realistic.
182
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,516
You might think this is normal, but I don't.
183
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,273
And I'm not going to carry on living like this.
184
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,476
If I was a monkey, a male monkey,
185
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,915
I wouldn't even be here having this argument.
186
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,752
I'd be down the pub, getting drunk...
187
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,718
(Vacuum cleaner whirs)
- ..shagging loads of female monkeys.
188
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,395
That's a natural state of affairs
for a male in any species.
189
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:17,029
This situation here, it's a relatively modern one.
190
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,475
And goes totally against nature.
191
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,630
I'm telling you,
society's under a lot of strain right now.
192
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,517
(Vacuum cleaner off)
193
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,113
Dave?
194
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,749
I can't go on any more with this.
You'll have to get out of here.
195
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,511
Twelve months ago today, I met Ruth.
Is's our anniversary.
196
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,352
She's probably forgot, but...
197
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,557
I'm going to take her out
for a nice, expensive, slap-up meal.
198
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,437
Champagne, you know.
199
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,272
Starters. Puddings.
200
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,591
Linda never remembered
our wedding anniversary. Or my birthday.
201
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,318
I think it was the heroin.
202
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,755
Is's hard to keep the romance in a relationship.
203
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,115
Men like you and me, Tolly,
we're a dying breed.
204
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,156
I used to put strawberry jam on her twat.
205
00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:01,153
Yeah. Dying breed, Tolly, dying breed.
206
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,236
Ruth?
207
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,197
- Oh.
- You look lovely. Your hair...
208
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,793
Sorry, what did you want?
209
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,518
I got you these.
210
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:29,434
Don't take this the wrong way.
If you don't leave me alone,
211
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:30,589
Why?
212
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,911
- For the last time Jeremy, go away!
- All couples have arguments.
213
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,911
We are not a couple any more.
214
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,118
How can you go from being...really liking me
to not wanting to see me? I don't get it.
215
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,192
To be honest, I didn't like you
that much at any point, so...
216
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,510
You've got a new boyfriend, haven't you?
217
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,556
Just tell me.
218
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,149
I'm going to walk away. Leave me alone.
219
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,596
- I'll always love you, Ruth.
- Fuck off!
220
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,432
- Give us a ring.
- Fuck off, Jeremy!
221
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,193
Any time. I like your outfit, by the way.
222
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,236
It look s really nice on you.
223
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,197
Women, eh?
224
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,236
DELIBES: Flower Duet from Lakme
225
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,357
JEREMY: Like a leaf falling from a tree
I fell for you.
226
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,749
Gradual. Then suddenly.
227
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,671
My insides melt.
228
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:22,311
Your eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth.
Everything leading to now.
229
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,834
In the lake my shattered reflection.
230
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,956
The mirror pieces of heartbreak
231
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,917
Be still then passion.
232
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,393
She has turned away like the winter.
233
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,630
My inberrating love
234
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:38,713
As it warms
the clear shafts of sunlight penetrate
235
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:43,715
your moist fanny with my
stiff meaty love-rocket
236
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,789
(Gasps) Fucking bitch!
237
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,633
TOLLY: Like I say
you can stay here as long as you like.
238
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,472
DAVE: Yeah cheers Tol
239
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,358
Sad, you know, when you've been
with someone a long time.
240
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,910
Well, she should have thought of that
before she nagged me to death.
241
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,833
I'm a youg man. I'm only 31 , 32.
242
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,672
I don't need it. You know what I mean?
243
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,274
I still ain't got over, you know,
when Linda left me.
244
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,032
You know what my first thought was?
245
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,509
"Great, I can shag loads of birds now."
246
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,830
But, like, my second thought was, "Who?"
247
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:20,197
Who can I shag?
Who exactly am I going to be shagging?
248
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,748
All kinds of thoughts go racing
through your mind.
249
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,308
Linda was shagging
a mental patient behind my back.
250
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,628
I remember, yeah.
251
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:31,350
I tell you what, I'm going to be sliding down
a very steep learning curve.
252
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,192
No doubt about it.
253
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,236
But from now on, that's it.
254
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:39,757
Is's just going to be fanny,
blow jobs, big tits and...
255
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,512
you know, beer.
256
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,356
That's the kind of lifestyle I want.
257
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,476
- Sandwich?
- Cheers, mate.
258
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,876
THE CORAL: Dreaming Of You
259
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,837
What's up with my heart when it skips a beat?
260
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,512
Skips a beat.
261
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,637
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet
262
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,233
Under my feet.
263
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,595
Up in my lonely room
Wah-oooh
264
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,830
When I'm dreaming of you
265
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,071
Oh, what can I do?
Wah-oooh
266
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,559
I still need you, but
267
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,596
I don't want you now...
268
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,351
All right, mate, is er...Poppy in?
269
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,714
No, she's not.
270
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,473
(Sighs) That's a shame. Is she all right, though?
271
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,073
Who are you?
272
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,673
Sorry, mate. I'm Dave.
273
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,036
I'm an old friend of Poppy's.
What time are you expecting her back?
274
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,553
Not till late. She's at work.
275
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,517
Can you give her a message?
276
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:44,635
What?
277
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,792
- Have you got a pen and a bit of paper?
- Look, just tell me.
278
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,792
- You must have some paper.
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
279
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,836
This is important!
280
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,309
All right, the message is from me, Dave.
281
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,472
That's D-A-V-E.
282
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,394
Just say, with respect to the threesome - yeah?
Just put threesome.
283
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,870
With respect to the threesome, it's a thumbs-up.
284
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,555
Is's just that she asked me
if I'd be interested but, you know,
285
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,870
I was still with my wife at the time, so er...
286
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,916
Mind you, I'm going back a bit now.
287
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,836
I've not seen Poppy for a couple of years.
288
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,672
You know, she could be...
289
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,716
- You're not her husband, are you?
- No.
290
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,075
- This is her mam's house, in't it?
- Yeah.
291
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,435
- Who are you, then?
- I'm her brother.
292
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,158
Ooh, nice one. Brother.
293
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,958
How did that come about, then?
294
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,758
What do you mean?
295
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,513
Yeah, if you could pass the message on,
that would be great.
296
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,079
I'll just write my number down.
297
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,592
There you go.
298
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,193
How's your mam, anyway?
299
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,032
She died last year.
300
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,076
What a shame.
301
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,197
Anyway, get Poppy to give us a ring
as soon as she gets back
302
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,236
cos I've just split up with my wife.
303
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,878
Last night, actually.
304
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:59,431
Is's taking me a while to adjust, so a threesome
with your sister would be superb right now.
305
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,116
Tell her it's urgent!
306
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:06,957
BUZZCOCKS: Orgasm Addict
307
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,918
Well, you tried it just for once,
found it all right for kick s
308
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,355
But now you found out
that it's a habit that stick s
309
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,396
And you're an orgasm addict
310
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,948
You're an orgasm addict
311
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,600
Sneaking in the back door
with dirty magazines
312
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,240
Now your mother wants to know
what all those stains on your jeans are.
313
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,719
And you're an orgasm addict
314
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,317
You're an orgasm addict
315
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,870
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
316
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,710
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
317
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,749
You get in a heat, you get in a sulk
318
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,308
But you still keep a-beating
your meat to pulp...
319
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,073
Yeah? Wow. What else are you wearing?
320
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,036
Oh, God! Really?
321
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,196
What? What am I wearing?
322
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:57,034
Erm...a brown jumper.
A pair of trousers I got off my dad.
323
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,509
They didn't fit him.
He got them out the catalogue
324
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,591
and didn't send them back, so I had them.
325
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,116
Linda, my ex-wife,
she used to quite like me in these trousers.
326
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,872
Yeah, she just pissed off one day.
327
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,518
Never rung me or anything.
328
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,398
I've heard she's been done
for shoplifting, which...
329
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:13,948
Hello? Hello?
330
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:17,430
Have you finished, Tolly?
You're putting me off my breakfast.
331
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,036
Excuse me, mate.
332
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,632
How much are your plastic twats?
333
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,472
- Fifty quid.
- Right.
334
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,438
What do you use to erm...
What do you put inside it?
335
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:42,953
Your cock.
336
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,871
No, I meant to make it all slippery.
337
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,269
Do you put, like,
margarine in it or something?
338
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,158
There's tubes of KY Jelly.
Next to the vibrators.
339
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,549
Yeah, but it doesn't taste of
anything, does it?
340
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,278
You're not supposed to eat it, mate.
341
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,998
No, no.
342
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:57,035
Obviously.
343
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,156
But is there anything else?
344
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,312
Is there anything that's got a more...
proper fanny flavour?
345
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,799
Yeah. A proper fanny.
346
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,039
ANSWERPHONE: Leave your message now
( Beep)
347
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,998
All right guys. My name's Nigel Tolly
348
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,354
My mates call me Tolly.
349
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,749
I'm average, 26, divorced.
350
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,796
I look er...OK. Normal.
351
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:21,189
I haven't got a moustache, anything like that.
352
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:25,751
I like takeaway meals, renting videos
and I used to have a motorbike.
353
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,354
Sold it to a mate of mine.
He didn't look after it.
354
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,271
Still, that's another story.
355
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,112
I have my own...apartment.
356
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,192
With future fridge et cetera
357
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,998
Gas central heating.
358
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,799
I'm really looking for a girl
who enjoys dirty sex acts.
359
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,518
Any size, any age, any colour.
360
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,716
No sex-change people.
I must specify that.
361
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:47,679
And I like putting jam on people.
I've got to get that across. Is's very important.
362
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,069
So please send photos to my box number
363
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:54,233
or leave a message if you want
strawberry jam put on your areas.
364
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,039
I will, of course,
buy you a drink and a meal.
365
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,032
That's about it, girls.
Get dialling now. OK.
366
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,997
Three women at once.
367
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,470
And I bet he's got a few cans of beer
in that fridge for later on.
368
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,596
My cousin's been killed in a car crash.
369
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,352
- Has he?
- Yeah.
370
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,637
Nice bloke, he was.
He lent us �500 the other week.
371
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,436
I won't have to pay that back now, will l?
372
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,988
No, if somebody dies,
it's their fault, in't it?
373
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,230
Yeah.
Shame for his wife and kid, and that,
374
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,153
but for me personally...
it's worked out all right.
375
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:35,031
DAVE:
Here we are look.
376
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,475
- Nice.
- All right, girls?
377
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,710
Fuck off!
378
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,075
THE SPECIALS: A Message To You, Rudy
379
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,720
Oh, come on, Ferris.
Just get it over with.
380
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,268
Tell him his dad's dead or
I'm going to be late.
381
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,037
I can't do it, Dave.
382
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,758
All right. Leave it to me.
383
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,115
I'm pretty good at this sort of thing.
384
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,153
Stop your messing around
385
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,353
Better think of your future...
386
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,158
Do you know your dad used to be alive?
387
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,559
Well, he's not any more.
388
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,154
Creating problems in town...
389
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,799
Rudy...
390
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,393
Where's Mummy?
391
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,033
Good point. Where's his mum?
392
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,678
She's in a coma.
393
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,716
A message to you...
394
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,878
Do you want an ice cream?
395
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,996
Come on, then.
396
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:55,953
VERDI: Brindisi from La Traviata
397
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,712
Dear Ruth you cowbag
398
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,519
I know you are enjoying this situation.
399
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:03,273
Messing me about and getting
all this attention.
400
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:06,636
I noticed you've now changed
all your telephone numbers
401
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,713
your mobile, your home number
and your extension at work
402
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:14,429
as well as your email addresses
and both fax numbers.
403
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,830
When they ask you why
I can just imagine you saying.
404
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:21,799
"There's this man who's obsessively
in love with me you know how it is."
405
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,589
I bet you let everyone know about me
because it makes you look really good
406
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,636
in demand Wanted by me!
407
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,951
Well you'd better make the most of it.
408
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,952
You've got the kind of face
that isn't going to age very well.
409
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,508
Fat cheeks and piggy eyes
410
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,556
in a couple of years you'll
be ringing me up.
411
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:46,553
You'll be desperate and I'll say
"You had your chance darling but you blew it.
412
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,596
Now go away and be ugly and fat.
413
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,830
And honey"
414
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:57,558
You'll keep this letter in a box as a souvenir
of the times when you could attract me!
415
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,153
You know this is true.
416
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,915
And that new boyfriend of yours
I know for a fact he's seeing somebody else.
417
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,956
All the best Jeremy.
418
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:19,908
RUTH: Just sniffs. Sniffs the grass. In a minute,
he'll see something he wants to play with.
419
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,638
Come on, baby.
420
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,033
Yeah.
421
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:30,076
- (Laughs)
- Yeah.
422
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,238
(Dog bark s)
423
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,470
Oi! Fuck off!
424
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,036
Fuck off!
425
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:53,269
(Dog bark s)
426
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,034
RUTH: Bobby!
427
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,076
BO YFRIEND: Bobby!
428
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,115
Bobby!
429
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,279
Bobby!
430
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:13,355
(Evil chuckle) OK. I'm going to chop
your fucking head off, mister.
431
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,876
Send you back in a fucking carrier bag.
See how she likes that.
432
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,916
Don't move.
433
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,398
There.
434
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:32,436
How do you like this situation, then, eh?
435
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,750
You scared? You fucking scared? Are you?
436
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,638
Right.
437
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,949
This was a really stupid thing to do.
438
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,156
SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy
439
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,759
All right.
440
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:08,116
Put your hands up if you're going to shag
two women this afternoon.
441
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,315
FERRIS:
Are you?
442
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,994
Just got a message from Poppy.
Can't believe it.
443
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,957
I'm having a threesome today.
444
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:15,189
Can I come?
445
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:16,952
- No
- Wouldn't be a threesome then.
446
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,393
No, but...
447
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,152
- Congratulations, mate.
- Cheers.
448
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,629
- Yeah, nice one, Dave.
- Cheers, Tol.
449
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,156
I can't believe it. A threesome!
450
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:28,838
FERRIS:
You deserve it mate.
451
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,876
Yeah, I do, don't I?
452
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,068
DAVE: They want to sort
the parking out round here.
453
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:41,391
Is's hopeless.
You should have permit parking or something.
454
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:43,675
Go in there with Kevin.
I'll only be a minute.
455
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,352
Right.
456
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,112
Kevin? Who's Kevin?
457
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,919
Is's a threesome, Dave.
You need three people.
458
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,594
Yeah, but I thought it would be me
and two women.
459
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,636
Yeah, I bet you did.
460
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:04,196
- All right, mate?
- All right.
461
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:07,159
Where did you park?
462
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,276
Actually, l... I got the bus.
463
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:13,079
My car's off the road at the minute.
I had er...a bump.
464
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,276
I've been driving round for ages.
465
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:19,551
- I haven't kept you waiting, have I?
- No. I got here early.
466
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,029
You know,
I like to soak up the atmosphere.
467
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:23,838
(Dogs bark outside)
468
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,831
Turn off the mobile.
469
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,309
Yeah. How do they work, these things?
470
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,356
I wouldn't want to hazard a guess.
471
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,032
Is's like space age.
472
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:36,912
Is's all them aerials. You see 'em on
the motorway. Is's like a network. Like the radio.
473
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,991
Yeah, but the radio - how does that work?
474
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,310
How does music travel through the air
475
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,073
then get into the radio
and come back out again?
476
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,197
I-I-I'd imagine it's the same system
as the phones.
477
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:49,519
Could be, yeah.
478
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,273
I saw that Adrian Chiles in the pub
and I asked him about it.
479
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,635
He didn't have a clue,
and he's on the BBC.
480
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,518
Lives near Redditch. Lovely house.
481
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,431
He's quite a nice bloke, actually.
482
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,476
Told us that he's loaded, like.
483
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,518
He said he doesn't get out of bed
for less than two grand.
484
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,114
He just stays in bed if no-one pays him?
485
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,273
Yeah. Think so.
486
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,590
His pyjamas must stink.
487
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:14,148
Actually, there was a funny smell in that pub.
488
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:21,716
(Bed thuds)
489
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,796
I reckon this bed's seen a bit of action.
490
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:26,836
All the joints are loose.
491
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,876
You need an Allen key.
492
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:31,349
Tighten 'em up, and it'll be right as rain.
493
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:32,953
POPPY:
Hello boys!
494
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,636
You haven't got an Allen key, have you?
495
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,553
I've got vibrators, dildos,
496
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:41,153
handcuffs...
497
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,629
Is's just...we really need an Allen key.
498
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:46,628
What for?
499
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:49,109
- Well...
- Dave! Don't worry about it.
500
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:50,599
Let's...
501
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:52,716
DAVE:
Right yeah!
502
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:54,711
- No problem.
- Fancy a spit roast?
503
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,438
Yeah! I do.
504
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,590
I've only had a sandwich for my dinner.
505
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,594
Everybody was kung fu fighting
506
00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:07,396
Those cats were fast as lightning
507
00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,756
In fact, it was a little bit frightening
508
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:16,350
But they fought with expert timing
509
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,639
There were funky Chinamen
510
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,631
From funky Chinatown
511
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,075
They were chopping them up
512
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,310
They were chopping them down
513
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,391
Is's an ancient Chinese art
514
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,789
And everybody knew their part
515
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,030
From a feint into a slip
516
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:35,997
And a kicking from the hip
517
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,435
Everybody was kung fu fighting...
518
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,080
I like cauliflower and I like cheese...
519
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:43,917
..but I don't like cauliflower cheese.
520
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,390
Same with me. I like apples and I like toffee
but I don't like toffee apples.
521
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:50,950
But then...l don't like actual tomatoes,
522
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,076
but I love tomato sauce.
523
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:54,479
Is's just weird.
524
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,676
Are you two going to shut up, or what?
525
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:58,239
Sorry, love.
526
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,276
- Is's Dave.
- Cheers, mate.
527
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:03,079
I don't care who it is,
just shut up and concentrate.
528
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:04,309
I'm doing all the work here.
529
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,356
Let's just get it finished.
530
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:10,035
I can't "finish" just like that.
I need some stimulation.
531
00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,236
Come on, Dave. Let's step it up a gear.
532
00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:13,912
Have you got any porn mags?
533
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:16,116
Just put some elbow grease into it.
534
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,356
(Bed creak s)
535
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:23,912
DAVE:
Aye! There you go!
536
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:46,078
(Dogs bark in distance)
537
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,555
JOAN: Ferris is that you?
- Yeah.
538
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:53,719
Come here a minute.
539
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:55,279
Erm...
540
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:56,952
Look at this
541
00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:58,712
- What?
- I want to show you something.
542
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:00,756
- What is it?
- I won't bite you!
543
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,398
I got my photos back.
544
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,436
Oh. Oh, right.
545
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:06,718
What do you think of that?
546
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,519
What is it, the moon?
Look s like the surface of the moon.
547
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:12,592
How can it be the moon?
I haven't been to the moon, have l?
548
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:14,636
- I don't know.
- Is's my arse.
549
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:18,319
- Oh, right.
- I got one of them throwaway cameras.
550
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,356
Here y'are. Guess what that is.
551
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,552
- Oh, Jesus.
- Might get that one enlarged.
552
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:26,392
Listen, Joan, I've got to...
553
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,436
Don't you want to take your trousers down?
554
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:29,919
- No.
- Why not?
555
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,353
Is's cold.
556
00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,989
I'll put the fire on. There's a hell
of a draught coming from this door.
557
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:38,438
I've got a new bra.
558
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:41,512
Look, Joan, the thing is,
I-I like living here and everything,
559
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:43,113
it's just that I don't want to...
560
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:49,676
That is a nice bra.
561
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:52,790
Shall we strangle the hamster?
562
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:54,711
All right. Just once more, then.
563
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,710
SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy
564
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,556
A-ha-ha
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
565
00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:03,076
A-ha-ha
Yeah, yeah, yeah
566
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,116
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
567
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,550
I don't know if we can get higher
568
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:13,836
But tell me why you're dressed in black
569
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,989
Life is short and full of flowers
570
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,311
If you know you'll reach the sky
571
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,196
I feel happy
572
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,236
Yeah, yeah, yeah
573
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,629
I feel happy
574
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,317
Yeah, yeah, yeah
575
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:35,356
- All right, mate?
- All right.
576
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:37,396
(Laughs) What happened here?
577
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,313
- Crazy paving.
- This ain't crazy paving, Ferris.
578
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,356
This is just shit.
579
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:45,000
I was trying to...you know.
580
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:49,391
You haven't got, like, any artistic
vision here, have you?
581
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:51,710
Is's just a random fucking big mess.
582
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:54,758
Is's crazy paving.
You just bung slabs down on the floor.
583
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,798
No. I think you've focused too much
on the crazy aspect
584
00:32:57,880 --> 00:32:59,791
and not enough on the paving side of it.
585
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,269
Have you come round
to have a go at my crazy paving?
586
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:04,191
- No, but...
- What do you want, then?
587
00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:05,474
Nothing.
588
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:07,437
You're standing on my string.
589
00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:11,715
What type of concrete are you using?
Cos you know there's different types.
590
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:13,552
You're getting on my nerves.
591
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:16,359
I'm just saying,
there's different types of concrete!
592
00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:18,670
Use the wrong one and...you're fucked!
593
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:20,910
Is's just ordinary concrete.
594
00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:24,237
Tolly is driving me round the twist.
595
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,992
He never stops wanking.
I just had to get out of there.
596
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:30,071
You want to try living here, with Joan.
597
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,118
24 hours a day,
it's either blow jobs or crazy paving.
598
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:36,832
Look at us.
Half eleven on a Saturday morning.
599
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:38,876
It isn't right. We're youg blokes.
600
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:43,759
We shouldn't be stood here like this.
We should be living lives to the full.
601
00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:45,796
We should be down the pub.
602
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,917
Threesomes are a great innovation,
no question of that.
603
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,798
Is's the other bloke being there that,
you know...
604
00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:00,469
I'd rather it were me and two women,
but that's more difficult to organise.
605
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:04,314
Yeah, women get a bit narked
when you try and involve another bird.
606
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:06,356
They take umbrage.
607
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,873
I don't want to sound like
a complete poof, but...
608
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:11,916
I used to like talking to my wife.
609
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:14,748
Did you?
610
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:16,353
I know it's weird,
611
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,432
but her little face chatting away
and then you say something.
612
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:22,478
You know, like...
pretending that you're listening.
613
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,713
Is's nice when a woman looks
at you like that, you know.
614
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,313
Appreciative.
615
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,672
That's what I'm going to miss.
616
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,318
Are you all right, mate?
617
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:36,439
Yeah, yeah. I'm just at that stage
in my life where I just feel, you know...
618
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:38,909
really...hungry.
619
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:51,593
OPERATOR:
Please enter your four-digit number.
620
00:34:52,720 --> 00:34:55,359
Welcome to the Sexy Singles call exchange.
621
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:57,908
Your personal fun box is empty.
622
00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:02,671
TOLLY:
I want one of them golden showers.
623
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,352
I want you to like piss on me,
624
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,078
then I want to do a 69
625
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:10,438
but first I want to put some of this strawberry jam
on your twat so I can lick it off.
626
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:13,910
Then I want another girl with a strap-on dildo
shaggin' me up the arse
627
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,912
while you're doing yourself with a vibrator
628
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,992
and then you both toss me off.
How much will that be?
629
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:21,559
Well, let's see.
630
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,596
Where's my price list?
631
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,750
Customer providing own jam
632
00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:28,353
..double toss off...
633
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:29,793
plus VAT...
634
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:31,233
Let's call it 200.
635
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:32,992
�200?
636
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:35,036
- That's cheap
- Bloody hell.
637
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,553
How much did you want to spend?
638
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:40,073
What do you get for 20 quid?
639
00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,276
I'll show you my tits.
640
00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:45,557
That's 20 quid?
I can get 13 pints of beer for 20 quid.
641
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,437
- Go on, then.
- All right, then, I will.
642
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,592
And I'll toss myself off, for free.
Thank you very much.
643
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:52,636
Don't forget your jam.
644
00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:54,233
Oh, yeah.
645
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:55,878
Thank s, love.
646
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:58,478
Can I see your arse for a fiver?
647
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,596
- No.
- All right. Ta-ra, then, love.
648
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:02,636
Ta-ra a bit.
649
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:11,678
You coming for a pint?
650
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,035
Can't, mate.
I'm going down the hospital.
651
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:16,076
I'm taking Matthew to see his mum.
652
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:19,232
- The one in the coma with the big tits?
- Yep, that's her.
653
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:22,071
I bet there's some cracking nurses there.
654
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:24,037
There is, mate. That's why I'm going.
655
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:25,712
You know what nurses are like.
656
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:28,837
Buy 'em a drink and some chips
and they'll do anything.
657
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,316
She's much thinner than before.
658
00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:42,952
I don't think they eat much in a coma.
659
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:44,598
They don't eat anything, do they?
660
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:47,194
I thought it was, like,
astronaut food down a pipe.
661
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,236
Yeah, that's it. That's it, I think.
662
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:52,115
- You reckon they're quite big?
- Oh, yeah.
663
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,956
DAVE: Not bad.
TOLLY: Nice.
664
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:04,118
I need the toilet.
665
00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:05,997
What do you want? Number 1 or number 2?
666
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:08,036
Number 3.
667
00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:10,069
Come on, Matthew.
668
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:11,718
I'll take him to get some sweets.
669
00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:13,153
All right, mate.
670
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,036
(Clink of crockery )
671
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:46,157
- All right, love?
- Yeah, thanks. You?
672
00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:47,992
You remember Ferris, don't you, Mum?
673
00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:50,674
- Who?
- Ferris. Julie's husband. The wedding.
674
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:52,751
Hello, Rose. How are you doing?
675
00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,035
(Horn beeps)
- Your taxi's here, Mum.
676
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:57,953
Ferris. Oh, yes. Ferris.
677
00:37:58,720 --> 00:38:00,915
Got everything?
Have you got your stick?
678
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:05,396
Joan says you've got a big cock.
679
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,438
- Mum!
- What?
680
00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:09,669
Show it to her, Ferris.
681
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:12,239
- What?
- Show her your thing.
682
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:13,275
No!
683
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:16,989
Ferris! She doesn't get out much,
she's practically bedridden.
684
00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:18,513
Oh, come on, Ferris.
685
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,955
- Joan!
- Don't be such a spoilsport, Ferris.
686
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:24,430
You've had a lot of generosity from
this family, living here rent-free.
687
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,272
I don't ask for much in return.
688
00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:32,149
Well, hurry up.
689
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:37,555
Wow!
690
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:38,755
I told you.
691
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,910
When it's stiff it's like a rolling pin.
692
00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:44,148
- Can I touch it?
- Yeah, go on, have a feel.
693
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,036
Ohhh!
694
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,998
If I was 50 years youger...
695
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,036
- Put it in your mouth.
- Joan!
696
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,275
I can't get down there with my back.
697
00:38:57,360 --> 00:38:59,157
Stand on a chair, Ferris.
698
00:38:59,240 --> 00:39:01,117
I'm not standing on a chair.
699
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:02,679
MAN: Taxi for Rose
700
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,478
(Zips up )
JOAN: Just coming love.
701
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:06,710
ROSE: Has he gone to get a chair?
- No he's.
702
00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:10,236
Let's get you home.
They'll be wondering where you've got to.
703
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:12,788
ROSE:
It's shepherd's pie tonight.
704
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:14,836
JOAN:
Ooh lucky you!
705
00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:22,796
You can't stay here long.
706
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:25,110
No, I know.
Is's only for a couple of nights.
707
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:26,997
I was thinking of buying my own place,
708
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:31,312
but if I just move them jars of gherkins
out the way, I could sleep on that shelf.
709
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,868
Well, if I'm going to do you a favour,
710
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,110
there might be a favour you can do for me.
711
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,876
All right, then, yeah. No problem.
712
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:41,395
Mop that floor, you bitch.
713
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,869
I feel like a right cunt doing this.
714
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,916
Keep going. Keep going!
715
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,309
DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS:
One Way Love
716
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:52,231
(Girl grunts)
717
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,197
That's pretty clean now.
718
00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:55,633
Go and find
719
00:39:55,720 --> 00:39:57,153
Oh!
720
00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,956
The kind of girl
721
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:04,117
Who think s you're the only
722
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:06,916
Guy in the world
723
00:40:08,720 --> 00:40:10,676
No more half kisses
724
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:13,996
That's bad enough
725
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:18,199
No more teardrops
726
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:20,555
No more one-way love
727
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,038
One-way love
728
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:27,077
Is's harder for someone
729
00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,036
Who likes to love fast
730
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,995
You know that kind of love
731
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:37,756
Will never last
732
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:41,918
If she's fast and furious
733
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:45,196
That can be rough
734
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:51,509
You'll never have one-way love
735
00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:53,349
One-way love...
736
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:55,592
MICHAEL HOLLIDAY: Starry-eyed
737
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:05,795
Why am I so starry-eyed?
738
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:09,031
Do us your trick, Bobby. Go on. (Laughs)
739
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,997
Clever boy. Go on, do us another one.
740
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:12,957
( Laughs)
741
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:14,519
Where'd you learn to do that?
742
00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:17,478
I love you Bobby
You're just such a smashing little dog.
743
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,516
I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
744
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:20,874
I wouldn't do it now.
745
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:25,431
I just really want to...you know, go to the park
with you and spend all my time with you.
746
00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:27,238
I love you, Bobby.
747
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:30,357
You're just a fantastic little dog, aren't you?
Bobby?
748
00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:32,556
Bobby! Bobby, come back.
749
00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:35,518
Bobby, where are you going? Bobby!
750
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:40,313
When we touch I hear angels sing
Starry-eyed
751
00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:43,631
When we kiss I hear wedding bells ring...
752
00:41:43,720 --> 00:41:45,472
This is Bobby. Say hello.
753
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:47,073
All right, mate?
754
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,633
- You know what you get from a dog?
- Dog shit.
755
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:51,994
Unconditional love.
756
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:53,638
Is it yours?
757
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:55,919
Actually, it's Ruth's.
758
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,594
She's away. She's in...Switzerland.
759
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:01,194
So I'm looking after little Bobby.
760
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:03,510
Well, don't, you know, while she's away.
761
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:05,750
Don't start shagging it, cos she'll find out.
762
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:07,432
They always find out.
763
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:11,399
I know why I'm starry-eyed
764
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:14,995
Starry-eyed and mystified
765
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:18,629
All my dreams are coming true
766
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:24,514
Just because I'm so in love with you
767
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,628
Oh, hello! What's his name?
768
00:42:29,720 --> 00:42:31,995
Er, Bobby. Like Bobby Dazzler.
769
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:33,911
Aw.
770
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:36,639
Say hello, Bobby. Say hello to erm...
771
00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:38,790
I'm Shelley. This is Crystal.
772
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:40,199
Hello, Crystal.
773
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,840
(Dogs pant and whine)
- Don't do that, Crystal.
774
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:44,638
- Bobby, stop it!
- Crystal, stop it!
775
00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:45,869
Bobby, stop it!
776
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:48,997
I lived in...Africa for a while.
777
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,236
Out there you soon learn to respect
wild animals, you know.
778
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,675
Lions, tigers,
779
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:57,318
hippos.
780
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,118
Whereabouts in Africa were you?
781
00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:02,316
The er...safari district.
782
00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:03,674
Right. Yeah.
783
00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:06,078
I'd love to go on a safari.
784
00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:07,957
It was Kenya, where I was.
785
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,237
You'd love it there.
Is's like solid jungle, you know.
786
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:15,074
You open your curtains in the morning
and there's giraffes everywhere.
787
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:16,991
I love animals.
788
00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:19,071
So do I. They're great.
789
00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:20,479
RUTH:
Bobby!
790
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,790
SHELLEY: Are you a Capricorn?
RUTH: Bobby!
791
00:43:25,720 --> 00:43:28,029
RUTH: Bobby!
- What is it?
792
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:30,959
Shit.
793
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:32,439
Sorry, what... what is it?
794
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,238
RUTH: Jeremy!
BO YFRIEND: Oi! You!
795
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,675
- Be nice to go out for a drink or something.
- Yes.
796
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:38,716
- Nice to meet you. Bye.
- Bye.
797
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,598
- That man stole my dog.
- Did he?
798
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,152
(Bottles clank)
799
00:43:56,240 --> 00:43:58,196
(Heavy grunting)
800
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:06,473
FERRIS: What are you doing?
801
00:44:08,760 --> 00:44:11,228
- Is's the gherkin man.
- What's this all about?
802
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,470
Take no notice of him,
he's just the potato man.
803
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,073
What's he doing up there?
804
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:18,948
Trying to get some sleep,
so just deliver your gherkins and piss off.
805
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:22,635
Don't tell me to piss off or I'll come up
and smack your face in for you.
806
00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:25,553
- You don't have to get all...
- Forget him, he's just a prat.
807
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:27,471
I'm not taking any lip from a potato man.
808
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:29,118
GIRL:
I know it's OK
809
00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:31,156
You signed for them gherkins, love?
810
00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:34,589
Hang on a minute.
That's my shelf!
811
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:36,636
Oi! Potato man!
812
00:44:36,720 --> 00:44:39,029
You been messing about with my gherkins?
813
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:41,714
No. This is... this is the vinegar shelf.
814
00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:43,552
I don't think so.
815
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:46,632
They're just shelves.
Can everybody just leave it?
816
00:44:46,720 --> 00:44:50,872
Listen, potato boy, you keep your
hands off my gherkins, all right?
817
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,680
- See you in a fortnight, love.
- Yeah. OK.
818
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:58,998
What's all that about?
819
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:01,799
Look what you've done now.
You've upset the gherkin man.
820
00:45:03,640 --> 00:45:06,154
Do you know what?
This is all bollocks.
821
00:45:06,240 --> 00:45:08,071
You treat this place like an hotel.
822
00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:12,199
Is's about time you realised, Ferris,
this is a chip shop, and don't you forget it.
823
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:15,793
- Well, if that's how you want it, then...
(Door slams)
824
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,036
SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy
825
00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:23,158
I got flowers,
826
00:45:23,240 --> 00:45:25,231
I got chocolates for a special girl.
827
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,390
- What are you after?
- Nothing.
828
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:29,710
I thought we could go for a walk.
829
00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:32,314
I haven't really had time to
talk to you that much.
830
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:35,039
So that's your game, is it?
Talking.
831
00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:37,156
I thought it'd be nice
- just me and you.
832
00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:40,915
Have a nice...conversation.
Go for a quick walk round the park.
833
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,310
I hardly know you. I'm not going to go
walking round the park with you.
834
00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:46,356
All right, then, forget it.
835
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:51,433
I'm having a few people round next week
for group sex, if you're interested.
836
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:53,795
No, I... I think I'm busy that day.
837
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:55,632
What day is it?
838
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:57,714
Tuesday.
839
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,995
No, I... I don't think so, you know.
840
00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:01,798
Please yourself.
841
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:03,871
Right, well, I'd...better make a move.
842
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:05,916
- Yeah, see you.
- Yeah.
843
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:10,112
DAVE:
I've always fancied you.
844
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,156
- Have you?
- Yeah.
845
00:46:13,080 --> 00:46:14,911
You've got your own house, haven't you?
846
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:16,433
Yes.
847
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,158
How many bedrooms you got?
848
00:46:18,240 --> 00:46:19,673
Three. Why?
849
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,832
I bet it's...nice and clean,
isn't it?
850
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:24,797
I've only got half an hour, you know!
851
00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:26,836
Right. OK. Well...
852
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:30,196
I thought, you know,
we'd...start with some penis work.
853
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:31,838
Like what?
854
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:33,876
How does a blow job sound?
855
00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:35,439
I don't do that.
856
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:39,151
Course you do.
857
00:46:39,240 --> 00:46:41,071
No, I don't like it.
858
00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:44,038
But it's great.
Is's...standard procedure.
859
00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:45,599
Would you do it?
860
00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:50,112
Yes, I would.
If it'd make the other person happy.
861
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,191
Well, not me.
862
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,396
What if I put strawberry jam on it?
863
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:56,755
You're only a potato man.
I won't do anything weird.
864
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:58,717
What do you mean, only a potato man?
865
00:46:58,800 --> 00:47:00,950
You've really spoilt the atmosphere now.
866
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:03,679
You smell of chips
but I weren't going to say anything.
867
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:05,398
You're a stupid idiot.
868
00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:07,550
Your hair smells of pickled onions.
869
00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:09,198
Well, you've got a horrible face.
870
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:12,876
I'm not going to get anything
out of you, am I?
871
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:14,791
Not now, no.
872
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:16,518
I'm sorry, love.
873
00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:18,670
Look...I'll settle for a hand job.
874
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:20,239
You'll be lucky.
875
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:23,153
- Well, how about some free chips?
- Piss off, Dave.
876
00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:36,673
So what do you reckon my chances are
with whatsit?
877
00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:38,478
I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dave.
878
00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:41,438
She's only been out the coma
a couple of week s.
879
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:45,035
She'll still be pissed off about
her husband being dead and that.
880
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:47,554
So you're saying play it cool,
sort of thing.
881
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:49,596
Yeah, I can do that.
882
00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:53,156
Is's lovely and clean, innit?
883
00:47:53,240 --> 00:47:56,038
- Is's a nice house you've got here, Helen.
- Thanks.
884
00:47:56,120 --> 00:47:58,475
Steve was pretty good
with the decorating.
885
00:47:58,560 --> 00:48:00,516
That was one of his things.
886
00:48:01,520 --> 00:48:04,193
I'm sorry for you about
what happened to him.
887
00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:07,272
A motorway pile-up, it's terrible.
888
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:10,193
I heard it was a really
nice car an' all.
889
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,396
What was it, a Renault?
890
00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:14,835
Thought we'd just come round,
see how you are.
891
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:16,672
If there's anything we can do.
892
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:18,398
Well, thanks for the potatoes.
893
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:20,789
DAVE: There's plenty more
where they come from.
894
00:48:20,880 --> 00:48:22,916
We'll see you all right.
Don't you worry.
895
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:26,753
Oh, and that �500 you owe us, Ferris,
896
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:29,308
I could really do with it right now!
897
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,356
If you've got it, that is.
898
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,156
Course, yeah.
899
00:48:34,240 --> 00:48:36,913
It must be really difficult
for you right now.
900
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,349
But no use crying over spilt milk,
is there?
901
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:43,591
You've got to...
You need a man about the place.
902
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:47,150
Yeah, well, Phil's been very good to me
the past few weeks.
903
00:48:47,240 --> 00:48:49,356
Phil? Phil who?
904
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:51,396
All right, lads?
905
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:53,835
DAVE: What are you doing here?
- I live here.
906
00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:55,069
Since when?
907
00:48:55,160 --> 00:48:58,550
Phil delivers biscuits to the hospital.
That's how we met.
908
00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:00,995
Fancy a biscuit, Dave? Ferris?
909
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:02,832
No.
910
00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:05,832
So, how's life been treating the potato men?
911
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:08,830
- Look out, Phil, there's a wasp!
- Where?
912
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:27,198
Ferris, the gherkin man means nothing to me.
913
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:28,952
I was just trying to make you jealous.
914
00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:32,191
Seeing you with that other girl made me realise
you're not a bad bloke.
915
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:35,511
Well, I didn't even know her name, to be honest.
That was just a...
916
00:49:35,600 --> 00:49:37,238
I can see us making a go of it.
917
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:40,630
Not just shagging in this crappy old storeroom
all the time.
918
00:49:40,720 --> 00:49:42,836
I'm talking about something more.
919
00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:44,797
Like what?
920
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:46,996
We could do it lying down. On a bed.
921
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:48,832
I like the sound of that.
922
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:50,831
My husband's away for a few days.
923
00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:55,152
Why don't you come back to the house tonight?
We've got a big double bed, fluffy carpets.
924
00:49:55,240 --> 00:49:58,277
If you bring some cans of beer,
I'll bring some leftover pies
925
00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:00,237
and we'll make a night of it.
926
00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:01,799
Ace.
927
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:05,312
(Girl grunts)
928
00:50:11,240 --> 00:50:14,152
This is better than
that stinky old stockroom, innit?
929
00:50:14,240 --> 00:50:16,515
Yeah, it's all right. When's your husband back?
930
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:18,158
Oh, not for ages.
931
00:50:18,240 --> 00:50:20,993
Monday, I think.
Is's a long drive from Poland.
932
00:50:21,080 --> 00:50:23,594
- What's he doing there?
- Smuggling.
933
00:50:23,680 --> 00:50:26,672
- Smuggling?
- Yeah, smuggling...motorbikes.
934
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:28,398
Is he?
935
00:50:28,480 --> 00:50:30,436
I'm thinking of buying a moped.
936
00:50:30,520 --> 00:50:32,033
MAN: Shit!
937
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:33,473
Fucking hell!
938
00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:36,071
- I thought he was in Poland.
- Erm...
939
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:37,718
Listen, Ferris.
940
00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:40,951
You breathe one word of this to anybody,
you're dead. Right?
941
00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:44,396
OK. I'll...
I'll just get dressed and go and...
942
00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:47,392
You ain't going anywhere.
You finish what you started.
943
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:49,948
- How do you mean?
- Come on. Get on with it.
944
00:50:50,040 --> 00:50:52,600
Shag my wife, Ferris,
or you're in big trouble.
945
00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:04,917
Don't make me come out there, Ferris!
I'm warning you!
946
00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:09,196
I hope my husband doesn't catch us.
947
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:12,192
- This is out of order.
- Shut up, Ferris.
948
00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:15,272
- You said he was in Poland
(Grunting in wardrobe)
949
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:17,476
He's in the fucking wardrobe.
950
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:21,756
If he finds out,
he's going to punish me real bad.
951
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:24,035
You and me are finished,
I'm telling you.
952
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:26,270
Oh, use me. Use me!
953
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:28,590
Like the slutty wife I am.
954
00:51:29,600 --> 00:51:31,556
(Husband grunts)
955
00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:41,237
That should fucking do it.
956
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:43,231
- Am I being held prisoner?
- No!
957
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:46,032
Well... A little bit.
958
00:51:46,120 --> 00:51:47,712
But it's just a game.
959
00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:49,870
- Is it?
- (Husband slams fist) Look!
960
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:54,795
Any more shit from you, sunshine, and I'll drown
you in the bath like I did that sackful of kittens.
961
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:57,312
That really turned me on.
962
00:51:58,320 --> 00:51:59,275
What?
963
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:00,713
Is's a game.
964
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:02,677
You're not going to drown me, are you?
965
00:52:02,760 --> 00:52:05,354
I'll punch you in the fucking face
if you don't shut it.
966
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:10,516
I thought you liked having sex with me.
967
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,192
Not like this. This is...
968
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:14,236
GIRL:
This is how I like it.
969
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:17,676
Next time, we'll do whatever you want.
I'll do anything you want.
970
00:52:17,760 --> 00:52:19,716
- Think of something.
(Power tools whir)
971
00:52:22,320 --> 00:52:25,153
There is one or two things I
wouldn't mind trying.
972
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:29,919
I've got some right stuff in store for you
over the next few week s, Ferris. Oh, yes.
973
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:32,594
Some really fucked-up shit.
974
00:52:34,160 --> 00:52:36,071
Get him down in the basement.
975
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:39,391
Come on. (Grunts and laughs)
976
00:52:40,240 --> 00:52:42,356
- What do you keep in the basement?
- Come on.
977
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:45,159
- Have you got a pool table?
- (Husband laughs)
978
00:52:45,240 --> 00:52:47,196
(Girl grunts)
979
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:02,637
If I can't see you,
980
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,676
you can't see me.
981
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:11,152
If my husband walk s in here now
and catches us, we're dead.
982
00:53:11,240 --> 00:53:14,073
If the rope break s, we're dead.
983
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:16,071
HUSBAND: Oh! Who wants salt and vinegar?
984
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:18,639
Oh, God. No.
985
00:53:18,720 --> 00:53:20,233
Ahhhh!
986
00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:23,833
FERRlS: Fu...
(Splash)
987
00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:29,676
I had to park bloody miles away.
988
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:32,590
And they've dug up Old Ford Road again.
989
00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:35,912
Got the Allen key, by the way.
990
00:53:36,760 --> 00:53:38,716
(Chatter)
991
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:43,876
No wonder I couldn't get parked.
992
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:48,757
(Poppy moans)
993
00:53:49,600 --> 00:53:51,033
(Men pant heavily )
994
00:53:51,120 --> 00:53:53,759
We could do with a couple more girls
in here, couldn't we?
995
00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:55,592
Yeah.
996
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:57,238
Where did you park, then?
997
00:53:57,320 --> 00:53:59,231
Right outside. Got here early.
998
00:54:00,480 --> 00:54:02,835
Is that your Ford Galaxy out there,
the blue one?
999
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:04,717
- Yeah.
- What's it like? All right?
1000
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:08,315
Is's a decent motor. Feels safe,
know what I mean? For the kids, and that.
1001
00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:09,833
(Poppy's moaning intensifies)
1002
00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:12,718
- Is there any more beer left?
- No. Is's all gone.
1003
00:54:12,800 --> 00:54:15,758
- There's wine.
- Wine? Who drink s fucking wine?
1004
00:54:15,840 --> 00:54:19,719
How much longer you going to be, mate?
There's people queuing up here.
1005
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:22,318
What number you got?
1006
00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:23,355
5.
1007
00:54:23,440 --> 00:54:25,396
Well, you're all right.
1008
00:54:25,480 --> 00:54:27,311
1 1 . Is's typical.
1009
00:54:37,880 --> 00:54:39,677
What have we come here for?
1010
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:43,389
This is where I met Vicky.
Is's a good night in here on a Saturday.
1011
00:54:43,480 --> 00:54:45,391
FERRlS: But it's only quarter past one.
1012
00:54:45,480 --> 00:54:47,436
DAVE: Is's like a trip down
memory lane for me.
1013
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:51,713
Or it would be if I could remember
anything about it.
1014
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:53,756
I'd had a few that night.
1015
00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:57,148
Never going to pick up any birds
in here, mate.
1016
00:54:57,240 --> 00:55:01,995
It'll be all right. We'll have a couple of pints
and then...it will pick up a bit later.
1017
00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:35,436
Backing track to Come On, Eileen
1018
00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:40,436
Come on, Eileen!
1019
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:47,389
These people round here
1020
00:55:48,160 --> 00:55:50,435
Wear beaten-down eyes...
1021
00:55:50,520 --> 00:55:52,795
..resigned to what their fate is
1022
00:55:53,560 --> 00:55:56,074
My mother cried!
1023
00:55:56,160 --> 00:55:57,559
No never.
1024
00:55:57,640 --> 00:56:00,518
We are far too youg and clever
Much too youg and clever
1025
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:01,669
Come on, Eileen
1026
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:08,029
Too-ra loo-ra, too-ra loo rye aye
1027
00:56:09,840 --> 00:56:11,273
Come on, Eileen
1028
00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:15,352
Come on, Eileen
1029
00:56:15,440 --> 00:56:17,158
I swear now, Eileen
1030
00:56:17,240 --> 00:56:19,959
At this moment
Dirty!
1031
00:56:20,040 --> 00:56:22,110
You mean everything
Everything
1032
00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:23,872
Pretty white dress
1033
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:25,837
Oh, you're verging on...dress
1034
00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:27,672
Oh, you're dirty!
1035
00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:30,228
Oh, come on, Eileen
1036
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:32,276
That pretty red dress.
1037
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:34,032
Oh, I swear...
Tell me yes.
1038
00:56:34,120 --> 00:56:35,678
Oh, you're dirty
1039
00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:40,548
Oh, come on, Eileen...dirty
1040
00:56:43,040 --> 00:56:45,349
DAVE: You all right then?
VICKY: Yeah
1041
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:48,716
The washing machine,
there's still water coming out of it.
1042
00:56:49,880 --> 00:56:52,314
Probably a...leak...
1043
00:56:52,400 --> 00:56:54,277
of some kind.
1044
00:56:54,360 --> 00:56:55,998
How have you been?
1045
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:58,355
Great. Everything's great.
1046
00:56:59,920 --> 00:57:02,434
You know, things are really starting to...
1047
00:57:04,040 --> 00:57:05,996
They're continuing to be great
1048
00:57:06,080 --> 00:57:07,479
So er
1049
00:57:07,560 --> 00:57:09,710
You all right, then?
1050
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:12,360
Yeah. You all right?
1051
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:14,795
Yeah. Great.
1052
00:57:14,880 --> 00:57:18,111
Everything's...great.
1053
00:57:19,840 --> 00:57:22,991
You know, if you want me back,
I can move in straightaway.
1054
00:57:23,880 --> 00:57:25,552
Let's just leave things as they are.
1055
00:57:26,400 --> 00:57:29,119
Whatever it is you want me to do,
I'll do it.
1056
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:31,316
At Tolly's there's never anything to eat.
1057
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:33,755
He's dirty I want to come home.
1058
00:57:34,560 --> 00:57:37,552
I don't want to live with Tolly.
I want to live with you and Katie.
1059
00:57:38,920 --> 00:57:40,239
Well, you can't.
1060
00:57:40,320 --> 00:57:41,594
Why not?
1061
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:43,636
Is's not as simple as that.
1062
00:57:44,440 --> 00:57:47,193
You know the person I feel
sorry for in all this...
1063
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:48,793
is me.
1064
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:07,878
Hello.
1065
00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:13,317
Whatever that woman told you
about me, it's not true.
1066
00:58:13,400 --> 00:58:14,628
You stole her dog.
1067
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:16,073
(Laughs nervously )
1068
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,594
That boyfriend of hers,
he's not right in the head.
1069
00:58:18,680 --> 00:58:20,318
I never stole any dog.
1070
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:22,356
That's...no...
1071
00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:25,231
Actually, yes, I did steal the dog,
1072
00:58:25,320 --> 00:58:29,074
but...you...can't know
what I went through with all that.
1073
00:58:29,160 --> 00:58:31,116
I've got my own dog now.
1074
00:58:32,040 --> 00:58:35,510
She messed me about rotten.
I was just trying to get my own back.
1075
00:58:36,440 --> 00:58:38,396
I know what you're thinking, but...
1076
00:58:38,480 --> 00:58:41,517
you don't know what I've been through
with that woman.
1077
00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:45,675
- Come on, Spike.
- No I...I do
1078
00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:50,071
I do know what you've been through.
I know exactly how you feel.
1079
00:58:50,160 --> 00:58:52,116
Do you?
1080
00:58:53,240 --> 00:58:54,958
How do you mean?
1081
00:58:55,040 --> 00:58:58,874
SHELLEY: He'd been seeing her for five weeks.
I didn't ever twig.
1082
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:00,871
I just thought, "That's not right."
1083
00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:03,872
Then I found out he was taking her
to Paris for the weekend.
1084
00:59:03,960 --> 00:59:06,713
(Sighs) I still had the keys to his house so...
1085
00:59:06,800 --> 00:59:08,358
I went round there...
1086
00:59:09,440 --> 00:59:11,749
I went into the kitchen and
I'd got some of
1087
00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:15,355
Crystal's you know dog mess
that I'd collected in the park.
1088
00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:19,872
And before that I'd collected quite
a lot from other dogs.
1089
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:32,631
I put some in the bienden
1090
00:59:32,720 --> 00:59:34,597
added some water and erm.
1091
00:59:35,360 --> 00:59:36,349
(Whirs)
1092
00:59:39,120 --> 00:59:41,509
Colli had this high-powered waterpistol.
1093
00:59:41,600 --> 00:59:43,716
And I knew it was a mad thing to do but
1094
00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:47,877
after the way he treated me
I just didn't care.
1095
00:59:47,960 --> 00:59:49,916
I just thought "Fuck him."
1096
00:59:55,840 --> 00:59:57,796
I did every room in the house.
1097
00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:00,995
That was a year ago.
You can still smell it.
1098
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:05,790
Yeah, well, nothing smells quite like
a house full of dog shit.
1099
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:11,073
With erm... With Ruth...
1100
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:14,156
I told her I was a dentist.
1101
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:18,431
Kept it up for months.
1102
01:00:18,520 --> 01:00:20,476
She thought it was great.
1103
01:00:20,560 --> 01:00:22,915
I told her I had my own
dental practice.
1104
01:00:24,480 --> 01:00:27,358
And her mam and dad
were pretty impressed as well.
1105
01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:33,870
But when she found out I worked in the
potato distributior business which is what I do
1106
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:35,757
she went spane.
1107
01:00:35,840 --> 01:00:39,355
Called me a liar
which is fair enough I suppose,
1108
01:00:40,360 --> 01:00:43,079
A few days later she rang me up
but that was that.
1109
01:00:43,840 --> 01:00:46,991
I tried to talk to her but
she wasn't having any of it.
1110
01:00:48,960 --> 01:00:50,757
I don't care any more anyway.
1111
01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:53,431
I'm a potato man. That's what I do.
1112
01:00:55,480 --> 01:00:57,630
Doesn't make me a bad person.
1113
01:00:58,480 --> 01:01:00,516
Would you like to see my horse?
1114
01:01:02,320 --> 01:01:04,276
(Grunting and groaning)
1115
01:01:09,720 --> 01:01:11,312
Phew!
1116
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:13,277
- Well, well!
(Horse neighs)
1117
01:01:33,920 --> 01:01:36,559
OPERATOR:
Your fun box has one new message.
1118
01:01:36,640 --> 01:01:39,279
WOMAN:
Hiya Tolly my name's Gloria.
1119
01:01:39,360 --> 01:01:42,716
I really like your message.
You sound like you're up for a laugh.
1120
01:01:42,800 --> 01:01:45,473
Fucking yes! Yes!
1121
01:01:50,400 --> 01:01:51,549
(Rings bell)
1122
01:01:51,640 --> 01:01:53,631
This is very nice, Gloria,
thanks for this.
1123
01:01:53,720 --> 01:01:56,871
Good idea, get to know each other.
I haven't been to a party for ages.
1124
01:01:56,960 --> 01:01:59,474
- How come?
- Dunno. Don't get invited to any.
1125
01:02:01,400 --> 01:02:03,436
Gloria, hello! Come on in,
nice to see you!
1126
01:02:03,520 --> 01:02:05,351
Told you I'd make it!
1127
01:02:05,440 --> 01:02:08,113
- Nice to see you.
- All right, mate. Been swimming?
1128
01:02:08,200 --> 01:02:09,952
- Eh?
- Don't matter.
1129
01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:13,718
- Is this what I think it is?
- Depends. What do you think it is?
1130
01:02:13,800 --> 01:02:16,030
Is's obviously some sort of towel party.
1131
01:02:16,120 --> 01:02:17,917
Is's a sex party.
1132
01:02:18,000 --> 01:02:19,877
Fucking hell! Honestly?
1133
01:02:19,960 --> 01:02:22,758
Hey, I've heard about these.
Is's like, anything goes.
1134
01:02:22,840 --> 01:02:24,796
Is's like a big orgy. Brilliant!
1135
01:02:37,120 --> 01:02:39,076
What a sight
1136
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:42,509
Is's got a certain style
1137
01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:44,556
Hits the spot
1138
01:02:44,640 --> 01:02:46,596
Hits it right
1139
01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:49,998
Take your chance
1140
01:02:50,080 --> 01:02:53,231
Don't miss out, it's so near
1141
01:02:54,120 --> 01:02:57,430
Grab it, now's the time, cos it's here
1142
01:02:59,480 --> 01:03:01,391
Plat du jour
1143
01:03:02,160 --> 01:03:04,674
Served right up for you
1144
01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:06,910
One tasty dish
1145
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:08,956
Is's a cure
1146
01:03:10,400 --> 01:03:12,277
Keep on track
1147
01:03:13,040 --> 01:03:15,713
And now it's right on stream
1148
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:17,677
lt'll keep you
1149
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:20,436
Ahead of the pack
1150
01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:23,516
Don't miss out
1151
01:03:23,600 --> 01:03:25,556
GLORIA:
How was that then?
1152
01:03:27,680 --> 01:03:29,398
Was that what you wanted?
1153
01:03:29,480 --> 01:03:31,357
Yeah, it was great, yeah. Thanks.
1154
01:03:32,160 --> 01:03:33,912
You don't sound very happy about it.
1155
01:03:34,000 --> 01:03:35,797
No, I'm just, you know.
1156
01:03:35,880 --> 01:03:39,509
- Do you want to do it some more?
- No, that was... That was it.
1157
01:03:40,560 --> 01:03:42,596
I could do with a cup of tea,
actually.
1158
01:03:43,640 --> 01:03:45,596
All this jam.
1159
01:04:04,560 --> 01:04:06,118
Sleeping here now, are you?
1160
01:04:06,200 --> 01:04:07,155
FERRIS:
Yeah
1161
01:04:08,240 --> 01:04:11,312
That chip shop -
I got my fingers burnt there, mate.
1162
01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:13,789
- Did you?
- Yeah. Look.
1163
01:04:16,120 --> 01:04:18,554
Trying to get a pound coin
out the fat-fryer.
1164
01:04:18,640 --> 01:04:20,392
- Bet it hurt.
- Did.
1165
01:04:20,480 --> 01:04:22,789
And I nearly got beat
up by big fat Gordon.
1166
01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:24,632
I've warned you about him.
1167
01:04:24,720 --> 01:04:26,551
He catch you with his missus, did he?
1168
01:04:26,640 --> 01:04:28,153
Yeah, something like that.
1169
01:04:28,240 --> 01:04:29,958
You want to keep a low profile.
1170
01:04:30,040 --> 01:04:32,270
I'm gonna. Anyway, have a look at this.
1171
01:04:34,480 --> 01:04:36,038
(Beeps horn)
1172
01:04:36,120 --> 01:04:38,076
- What do you reckon?
- Oh, magic.
1173
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:39,798
Funky moped.
1174
01:04:39,880 --> 01:04:41,518
I see what's going on here.
1175
01:04:41,600 --> 01:04:46,037
You've had enough of women for
t'time being and it's going to
1176
01:04:46,120 --> 01:04:49,112
so you're... you're expressing yourself
in a different way.
1177
01:04:49,200 --> 01:04:51,156
No, mate. This is a fanny magnet.
1178
01:04:51,240 --> 01:04:53,834
I'm gonna be knee-deep in pussy
with this thing.
1179
01:04:53,920 --> 01:04:55,831
- What did it cost you?
- Nothing.
1180
01:04:55,920 --> 01:04:57,558
I borrowed it off a mate of mine.
1181
01:04:57,640 --> 01:04:59,392
I'm thinking of buying it, though.
1182
01:04:59,480 --> 01:05:00,674
You reckon I should get one?
1183
01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:02,273
(Starts engine)
- Is's up to you.
1184
01:05:02,360 --> 01:05:04,271
Give us a go, then.
1185
01:05:07,680 --> 01:05:09,636
- That's the accelerator.
- Yeah, I know.
1186
01:05:09,720 --> 01:05:11,551
- Is's nice, innit?
- Yeah.
1187
01:05:12,440 --> 01:05:13,475
Oh, fuck!
1188
01:05:13,560 --> 01:05:15,516
Dave! Dave!
1189
01:05:18,400 --> 01:05:19,753
Fuck!
1190
01:05:20,800 --> 01:05:23,473
DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS:
There, There, My Dear
1191
01:05:23,560 --> 01:05:26,120
Just say a situation occurred
that was out of your hands.
1192
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:28,156
You know, human error.
1193
01:05:28,240 --> 01:05:30,196
Police horse sat on it. That'll do.
1194
01:05:30,280 --> 01:05:32,157
He's 24. He'll understand.
1195
01:05:32,240 --> 01:05:33,798
You should pay for the repairs.
1196
01:05:34,520 --> 01:05:36,112
Here he comes. Just act normal.
1197
01:05:37,560 --> 01:05:39,630
- All right, Ferris?
- All right, Beans.
1198
01:05:39,720 --> 01:05:42,280
So what do you think, then?
You buying my moped?
1199
01:05:42,360 --> 01:05:44,316
Erm...
1200
01:05:45,160 --> 01:05:46,912
What do you think, Dave?
1201
01:05:49,000 --> 01:05:50,831
I'm going for a piss.
1202
01:05:50,920 --> 01:05:53,195
Is's hardly done any miles.
Is's a bargain.
1203
01:05:53,960 --> 01:05:55,871
Yeah. All right, then, I'll have it.
1204
01:05:55,960 --> 01:05:58,520
Nice one, Ferris.
I'll see you later on in the week.
1205
01:05:58,600 --> 01:06:00,272
I've got to get off, I'm with Debs.
1206
01:06:00,360 --> 01:06:03,397
- Yeah, I'll settle up with you when I see you.
- Sorted.
1207
01:06:08,360 --> 01:06:10,590
Piss off, Dave. Leaving me to sort it out.
1208
01:06:12,120 --> 01:06:14,236
I want a word with you. Outside.
1209
01:06:21,160 --> 01:06:23,116
She's in the back seat.
1210
01:06:25,240 --> 01:06:26,753
You want me to give her one?
1211
01:06:26,840 --> 01:06:28,478
Yeah.
1212
01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:30,391
Where are you going to be?
1213
01:06:30,480 --> 01:06:32,436
Never you mind.
1214
01:06:33,240 --> 01:06:35,595
What you waiting for? Want some of this?
Eh?
1215
01:06:35,680 --> 01:06:37,557
Get in there.
1216
01:06:37,640 --> 01:06:39,232
Come on!
1217
01:06:43,600 --> 01:06:45,875
I'm going to have flat beer because of you.
1218
01:06:46,960 --> 01:06:51,192
If my husband finds out about us...
in the back of his car
1219
01:06:51,280 --> 01:06:53,430
doing it doggy-style,
1220
01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:55,397
he'll put me across his knee.
1221
01:06:55,480 --> 01:06:57,710
FERRIS: This is the last time
I'm doing this.
1222
01:06:57,800 --> 01:06:59,597
GlRL: Use me. Use me.
1223
01:06:59,680 --> 01:07:02,194
- You're using me.
- Shut up, Ferris, you tart.
1224
01:07:02,280 --> 01:07:03,952
Just think of my big fat husband.
1225
01:07:04,040 --> 01:07:06,600
And what he'll do to me if he finds out.
1226
01:07:06,680 --> 01:07:09,240
My big...fat...husband.
1227
01:07:09,320 --> 01:07:10,799
Right. That's it.
1228
01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:12,313
I've had enough of this.
1229
01:07:12,400 --> 01:07:14,277
Ferris?
1230
01:07:14,360 --> 01:07:16,157
- Ferris!
(Grunting from car boot)
1231
01:07:18,000 --> 01:07:18,955
Dave.
1232
01:07:20,480 --> 01:07:21,799
Come here!
1233
01:07:25,640 --> 01:07:27,676
What do you think you're doing?
1234
01:07:27,760 --> 01:07:30,069
Tell him, Dave.
Tell him to leave me alone.
1235
01:07:30,160 --> 01:07:32,037
This ain't nowt to do wi' me, Ferris.
1236
01:07:32,120 --> 01:07:33,553
Get back in the car, you.
1237
01:07:33,640 --> 01:07:35,278
Dave, I'm asking you to help me.
1238
01:07:35,360 --> 01:07:37,954
- What are you doing, Gordon?
- None of your business.
1239
01:07:38,040 --> 01:07:39,473
Dave!
1240
01:07:39,560 --> 01:07:41,437
What? I don't even know what's going on!
1241
01:07:41,520 --> 01:07:43,670
- Keep your mouth shut, Ferris.
- No Gordon!
1242
01:07:43,760 --> 01:07:46,558
I don't care if you beat me up,
I'm not doing this any more.
1243
01:07:46,640 --> 01:07:50,155
- We'll see about that.
- No. If I carry on doing this,
1244
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:53,550
it's going to put me off sex for life,
and that's not going to happen.
1245
01:07:53,640 --> 01:07:55,835
OK? My sex life...is all I've got.
1246
01:07:55,920 --> 01:07:58,639
- I'm not doing it, Gordon.
- Yeah, you tell him, Ferris.
1247
01:07:58,720 --> 01:08:03,510
And if you've got a problem with that,
me and Dave are going to beat you up,
1248
01:08:03,600 --> 01:08:05,158
Dave?
1249
01:08:05,240 --> 01:08:08,277
Yeah, that's right.
D-Don't mess with the potato men.
1250
01:08:08,360 --> 01:08:09,873
You're a pair of fucking idiots!
1251
01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:12,520
Yeah, well, you're locked in
the boot of your car.
1252
01:08:12,600 --> 01:08:14,511
You'd better let him out or he'll go mad.
1253
01:08:14,600 --> 01:08:16,033
Yeah, I suppose so.
1254
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:18,076
You dickhead!
1255
01:08:18,160 --> 01:08:20,549
I opened the boot
to show there's no hard feelings!
1256
01:08:20,640 --> 01:08:22,517
Why don't you both just fuck off?
1257
01:08:22,600 --> 01:08:24,352
All right, we will!
1258
01:08:24,440 --> 01:08:26,396
Come on, Dave.
1259
01:08:31,600 --> 01:08:33,352
Gordon's bottle went, didn't it?
1260
01:08:33,440 --> 01:08:36,477
It was when you said,
"Don't mess with the potato men."
1261
01:08:36,560 --> 01:08:39,199
Yeah, I wish I hadn't said that now.
Sounds stupid.
1262
01:08:39,280 --> 01:08:41,669
You're going to have to get
that moped repaired.
1263
01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:45,070
- Yeah, I'll pay for it.
- Good. I'm still thinking of buying it.
1264
01:08:45,160 --> 01:08:47,515
Fuck it, I am going to buy it.
I'm buying a moped.
1265
01:08:47,600 --> 01:08:50,831
- Is's got a big dent in it.
- Don't care. I'm buying a moped.
1266
01:08:58,920 --> 01:09:00,876
Joan?
1267
01:09:02,240 --> 01:09:03,832
What's going on?
1268
01:09:04,920 --> 01:09:07,195
- Not you again?
- What do you want, Ferris?
1269
01:09:07,280 --> 01:09:09,236
Nothing.
1270
01:09:09,320 --> 01:09:11,151
I thought you might like
to see my moped.
1271
01:09:12,520 --> 01:09:14,954
He's got a massive cock.
1272
01:09:22,160 --> 01:09:24,116
(Chatter)
1273
01:09:32,560 --> 01:09:34,118
(Chink s glass)
1274
01:09:34,200 --> 01:09:36,156
Thank you Er.
1275
01:09:36,240 --> 01:09:39,152
Thank you. Thank s. Erm...
1276
01:09:39,240 --> 01:09:41,959
I just want to say thank s for coming
at short notice
1277
01:09:42,040 --> 01:09:45,749
to this occasion to celebrate that
me and Shelley have got engaged.
1278
01:09:45,840 --> 01:09:47,114
(Half-hearted cheer)
1279
01:09:48,240 --> 01:09:50,470
Erm... Is's been a whirlwind romance.
1280
01:09:50,560 --> 01:09:53,028
We're both madly in love.
1281
01:09:58,080 --> 01:10:00,753
Shelley's what I've been looking
for all my life.
1282
01:10:00,840 --> 01:10:03,479
And she's got
what she's always been looking for -
1283
01:10:03,560 --> 01:10:04,913
a potato man.
1284
01:10:05,640 --> 01:10:07,312
(Tolly cheers)
1285
01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:10,956
Seriously... Er...thank s.
1286
01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:13,315
Erm... Here's to me and Shelley.
1287
01:10:14,520 --> 01:10:15,635
ALL: Cheers.
1288
01:10:15,720 --> 01:10:18,712
There's plenty of crisps and nuts
if you er...want to er...
1289
01:10:21,200 --> 01:10:23,156
(Guests chatter animatedly )
1290
01:10:24,120 --> 01:10:26,190
A bit of all right, that Shelley,
isn't she?
1291
01:10:26,280 --> 01:10:28,236
She keeps looking over here.
1292
01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:31,232
I think she fancies me.
1293
01:10:31,320 --> 01:10:32,799
Don't be stupid.
1294
01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:35,636
Why can't I find a nice sensible
girl like that?
1295
01:10:35,720 --> 01:10:37,915
Yeah, I know. Is's not fair, is it?
1296
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:40,991
I'm moving my stuff into Tolly's tonight.
1297
01:10:41,080 --> 01:10:44,072
Yeah, you'll like it.
He's er... He's got a nice place.
1298
01:10:45,160 --> 01:10:47,628
Is's good timing for me,
you moving out and that.
1299
01:10:47,720 --> 01:10:49,631
I needed to move on.
1300
01:10:49,720 --> 01:10:52,518
Start a new chapter. Make a fresh start.
1301
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:54,033
- Sleeping in the van?
- Yeah.
1302
01:10:54,120 --> 01:10:55,553
Be all right.
1303
01:10:57,000 --> 01:11:00,959
Is's only for a couple of nights, though,
cos I think I've found somewhere new.
1304
01:11:01,040 --> 01:11:03,679
Is's temporary,
but it's better than the van.
1305
01:11:03,760 --> 01:11:05,318
Where's that, then?
1306
01:11:05,400 --> 01:11:06,992
Where?
1307
01:11:08,960 --> 01:11:11,599
Bluey-green's always been
my favourite colour.
1308
01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:14,152
Is's very er...
1309
01:11:14,240 --> 01:11:15,878
Is's very nice, Joan.
1310
01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:17,837
And it's see-through.
1311
01:11:17,920 --> 01:11:21,515
Yeah, that reminds me,
I'm going to have to trim that hedge.
1312
01:11:22,440 --> 01:11:24,396
Ready for another one?
1313
01:11:24,480 --> 01:11:26,198
Not really.
1314
01:11:26,280 --> 01:11:30,034
I've really got to have a decent break
between each one or I'll injure myself.
1315
01:11:30,120 --> 01:11:32,190
I'll do a bit of crazy paving for an hour.
1316
01:11:32,280 --> 01:11:34,748
Sod, the crazy paving, I've got needs!
1317
01:11:34,840 --> 01:11:37,195
Joan, honestly, I'm drained.
1318
01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:39,191
I need to get some fresh air.
1319
01:11:40,000 --> 01:11:41,479
What about a quick shower?
1320
01:11:41,560 --> 01:11:42,913
No thanks!
1321
01:11:53,640 --> 01:11:55,073
Hello, chicken!
1322
01:11:55,160 --> 01:11:57,355
What are you doing?
1323
01:11:57,440 --> 01:12:00,750
Is's so you don't have to walk on t'grass.
Is's called crazy paving.
1324
01:12:00,840 --> 01:12:02,512
Is's funny-looking.
1325
01:12:02,600 --> 01:12:04,158
DAVE:
It's nice!
1326
01:12:05,000 --> 01:12:06,558
Ferris told me you were here.
1327
01:12:06,640 --> 01:12:08,676
He came rourd to see me
1328
01:12:08,760 --> 01:12:09,954
He's worried about you.
1329
01:12:10,040 --> 01:12:11,792
- Is he?
- Yeah
1330
01:12:11,880 --> 01:12:13,871
And he hates living at Tolly's place.
1331
01:12:13,960 --> 01:12:16,190
All them horrible smells...and rats.
1332
01:12:17,840 --> 01:12:19,273
He's got rats.
1333
01:12:19,360 --> 01:12:21,430
Could do with a bit of a clean-up,
that place.
1334
01:12:23,760 --> 01:12:26,228
If you come back,
I'm not standing for any nonsense.
1335
01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:28,151
I know.
1336
01:12:28,240 --> 01:12:31,516
You're a dad.
And that's what you've got to be.
1337
01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,273
Yeah, th-that's what I want to do.
1338
01:12:34,360 --> 01:12:35,634
And you've got to help me.
1339
01:12:35,720 --> 01:12:37,358
I will, I swear.
1340
01:12:38,440 --> 01:12:40,112
Come on, Katie.
1341
01:12:40,200 --> 01:12:42,156
We've got to go.
1342
01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:50,238
You coming?
1343
01:12:59,440 --> 01:13:01,396
SUPER PREACHERS: Hands Up
1344
01:13:07,120 --> 01:13:08,758
Hands up! Hands up!
1345
01:13:22,080 --> 01:13:24,594
I was about 13, I think. Late starter.
1346
01:13:24,680 --> 01:13:26,318
12. I was 12.
1347
01:13:26,400 --> 01:13:29,278
What about you, Tolly?
When did you have your first wank?
1348
01:13:29,360 --> 01:13:31,316
Oh, er... Half past seven.
1349
01:13:32,120 --> 01:13:34,839
Then another one about...quarter to nine.
1350
01:13:35,560 --> 01:13:37,039
Here's your film back, mate.
1351
01:13:37,120 --> 01:13:40,874
- What's that? Lord Of The Rings?
- No, Spunk Guzzlers Drenched In Piss.
1352
01:13:40,960 --> 01:13:42,188
Cheers.
1353
01:13:42,280 --> 01:13:44,350
FERRIS: Porn. You can't beat it.
1354
01:13:44,440 --> 01:13:48,194
They spend millions making normal films
with special effects and that.
1355
01:13:48,280 --> 01:13:52,512
I reckon 99% of people would rather watch
hardcore porn than any other type of film.
1356
01:13:52,600 --> 01:13:56,275
I think you're right. If you were on a
desert island and could only have one film,
1357
01:13:56,360 --> 01:13:59,113
you're not going to want
Return Of The Fucking Jedi, are you?
1358
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:01,031
You want one with a bird in it
1359
01:14:01,120 --> 01:14:03,475
with a nice juicy fanny and
a big pair of tits.
1360
01:14:03,560 --> 01:14:04,959
Is's common sense, isn't it?
1361
01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:06,155
You know what I'd like?
1362
01:14:06,240 --> 01:14:08,879
I'd like to be able to detach my knob,
take it right off,
1363
01:14:08,960 --> 01:14:11,838
then I could get both ends
sucked at once.
1364
01:14:13,040 --> 01:14:16,157
I'd like to get a giant panda,
kill it, then fuck it.
1365
01:14:17,120 --> 01:14:19,076
Why do you want to do that?
1366
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:21,594
Dave, if you don't kill it,
it's going to bite you!
1367
01:14:21,680 --> 01:14:23,830
They, like, maul you, pandas.
1368
01:14:24,920 --> 01:14:28,595
I think it's all that black-and-white fur
and that great big arse.
1369
01:14:30,480 --> 01:14:32,391
Has anyone seen my dog?
1370
01:14:34,800 --> 01:14:37,030
DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS:
Come On, Eileen
1371
01:14:58,680 --> 01:14:59,795
Come on, Eileen
1372
01:15:07,480 --> 01:15:08,674
Come on, Eileen
1373
01:15:12,720 --> 01:15:16,156
Poor old Johnny Ray
1374
01:15:16,760 --> 01:15:18,876
Sounded sad upon the radio
1375
01:15:18,960 --> 01:15:21,474
Moved a million hearts in mono
1376
01:15:21,560 --> 01:15:24,950
Our mothers cried
1377
01:15:25,440 --> 01:15:27,795
And sang along, who'd blame them?
1378
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:32,070
You're grown
You're grown up
1379
01:15:32,160 --> 01:15:34,151
So grown
So grown up
1380
01:15:34,240 --> 01:15:36,470
Now I must say more than ever
1381
01:15:37,720 --> 01:15:38,675
Come or Eileen
1382
01:15:38,760 --> 01:15:44,835
Toora loora, toora loo rye aye
1383
01:15:44,920 --> 01:15:50,552
We can sing just like our fathers
1384
01:15:50,640 --> 01:15:52,119
Come on, Eileen
1385
01:15:52,200 --> 01:15:54,156
Oh, I swear
Well he means
1386
01:15:54,240 --> 01:15:56,231
At this moment
1387
01:15:56,320 --> 01:15:58,595
You mean everything
1388
01:15:58,680 --> 01:16:00,398
With you in that dress
1389
01:16:00,480 --> 01:16:02,357
My thoughts I confess
1390
01:16:02,440 --> 01:16:04,431
Verge on dirty
1391
01:16:04,520 --> 01:16:07,080
Oh, come on, Eileen
1392
01:16:15,120 --> 01:16:16,519
Come on, Eileen
1393
01:16:20,120 --> 01:16:24,079
These people round here
1394
01:16:24,160 --> 01:16:26,628
Wear beaten-down eyes
sunk in smoke-dried faces
1395
01:16:26,720 --> 01:16:28,711
So resigned to what their fate is
1396
01:16:28,800 --> 01:16:30,756
But not us
No never.
1397
01:16:30,840 --> 01:16:33,035
No, not us
No never.
1398
01:16:33,120 --> 01:16:35,429
We are far too youg and clever
1399
01:16:36,200 --> 01:16:37,155
Remember
1400
01:16:37,240 --> 01:16:43,679
Go, toora loora, toora loo rye aye
1401
01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:49,232
Eileen, I'll hum this tune for ever
1402
01:16:49,320 --> 01:16:50,594
Come on, Eileen
1403
01:16:50,680 --> 01:16:52,796
Oh, I swear
Well he means
1404
01:16:52,880 --> 01:16:57,431
Oh, come on, let's take off everything
1405
01:16:57,520 --> 01:16:58,999
That pretty red dress
1406
01:16:59,080 --> 01:17:00,991
Eileen
Tell him yes
1407
01:17:01,080 --> 01:17:02,957
Oh, come on, let's
1408
01:17:03,040 --> 01:17:05,349
Oh, come on, Eileen
1409
01:17:05,440 --> 01:17:07,158
That pretty red dress
1410
01:17:07,240 --> 01:17:09,151
Eileen
Tell him yes
1411
01:17:09,240 --> 01:17:10,992
Oh, come on, let's
1412
01:17:11,080 --> 01:17:15,949
Oh, come on, Eileen, please
1413
01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:20,759
Come on Eileen too loo rye aye
1414
01:17:21,120 --> 01:17:24,510
Come on Eileen too loo rye aye
1415
01:17:24,600 --> 01:17:26,397
Now you are grown
Toora
1416
01:17:26,480 --> 01:17:28,789
Now you have shown
Toora too loora
1417
01:17:28,880 --> 01:17:31,997
Oh, Eileen
1418
01:17:32,080 --> 01:17:36,358
Said, you're grown
Come or Eileen too hoo rye aye
1419
01:17:36,440 --> 01:17:39,637
So grown
Come on Eileen too loo rye aye
1420
01:17:39,720 --> 01:17:42,792
Now I must say more than ever
Toora toora too loora
1421
01:17:42,880 --> 01:17:44,757
Things round here will change
1422
01:17:44,840 --> 01:17:47,718
I said, toora loora
Come or Eileen too hoo rye aye
1423
01:17:47,800 --> 01:17:50,268
Toora loo rye aye
Come on Eileen too loo rye aye
1424
01:17:50,360 --> 01:17:52,191
Toora toora too loora
1425
01:17:53,600 --> 01:17:55,113
Come on, Eileen
1426
01:17:55,200 --> 01:17:57,156
Oh, I swear
Well he means
1427
01:17:57,240 --> 01:17:58,992
At this moment
1428
01:17:59,080 --> 01:18:01,071
You mean everything
1429
01:18:01,160 --> 01:18:02,832
With you in that dress
1430
01:18:02,920 --> 01:18:04,751
My thoughts I confess
1431
01:18:04,840 --> 01:18:06,592
Verge on dirty
1432
01:18:06,680 --> 01:18:09,240
Oh, come on, Eileen
1433
01:18:09,320 --> 01:18:10,878
Come on, Eileen
107720
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