Original subtitles

MOTORHEAD: Ace Of Spades

If you like to gamble

I tell you, I'm your man

You win some, lose some

Is's all the same to me

The pleasure is to play

It makes no difference what you say

I don't share your greed

The only card I need is the Ace of Spades

The Ace of Spades

Playing for the high one

Dancing with the devil

Going with the flow

Is's all a game to me

(Song drowns out dialogue)

Seven or eleven

Snake eyes watching you

Double up or quit

Double stake or split

The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades

You know I'm born to lose

And gambling's for fools

But that's the way I like it, baby

I don't want to live forever

And don't forget the Joker

Pushing up the ante...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Read 'em and weep

The dead man's hand again

I see it in your eyes

Take one look and die

The only thing you see

You know it's gonna be

The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades

(Ketchup splutters)

I'm going to the toilet.

See you next Tuesday, then.

Oh, it's a great feeling, Dave, when your wife fuck s off and leaves you.

Is's like a dream come true.

My life now is one big fanny festival.

I don't care if they're black, white, yellow or purple. I'd shag anyone.

Purple? Who's purple?

Martians?

- They're green! - Are they?

- Would you shag a Martian? - Yeah. Would you?

Might as well, I can't remember t'last time I shagged a human being.

SUPER PREACHERS: Good Karma

Have you heard this - this...fucking sandwich he's got? Tell him.

Well, Linda used to put strawberry jam on her twat.

So I'd lick her out.

- Blimey! - Listen to this, Ferris.

Now I'm just addicted to the taste. Fanny juice and strawberries.

He's got fucking strawberry jam and fish paste sandwiches.

Fucking hell, Tolly.

Is's the nearest I can get to the flavour.

Go on, have a bite. Is's fucking horrible.

No, thank s.

Try it.

Tolly, I ain't eating a sandwich that tastes like Linda's twat.

It really doesn't, though. And that's the problem.

Can't quite get the flavour right.

Erm...Kings Heath, you know, paint factory.

That's them. And Lozells Road. You know about that, don't you?

You've already give 'em us.

Have I? Must've done. Sorry. It was a late night.

Were you up all night watching porn channels?

No, I went round to see Ruth at her flat.

Drank a lot of wine, played chess, talked about book s all night.

You know what it's like.

Anyway, you've er... you've got the things, so er...

Yeah.

Good stuff.

I went out this bird once, right.

She used to lick my arse.

Like, stick her tongue...right up my arse.

Which is great, but then she'd try and snog me.

Which is like...fucking... swings and roundabouts, that is.

You can't fucking win.

I'd hate to think what she has in her sandwiches.

Shit, probably.

WOMAN: How's my favourite son-in-law?

You know what it's like, Joan, when you've got all your fingers in a big pie.

I can't find my bag. Have you seen my bag?

God, Joan, where's your jumper?

In the kitchen.

You look nice.

Why don't you pull your trousers down?

Er...

- Do you want me to help you? - No, no. I can manage.

That's a very lengthy type of sausage.

Yeah.

Don't get many complaints.

You krow about my bad knees and my arthesis.

I'm on steroids and that. Why don't I just plonk myself on the table?

Yeah, that could work.

(Sighs)

My mother-in-law gave me a blow job last night.

Mine gave me a fishing rod once.

At the end she wiped herself down with toilet paper and put it in the ashtray.

And then I was trying to have a fag and that was the worst bit.

You know, flicking the ash onto the wet toilet paper.

She's 50, you know, Joan.

I've never seen varicose veins that big.

Is's a tricky one, that, Ferris.

You don't want to upset her or you'll have nowhere to live.

I can't afford to move out. Is's going to keep on happening.

Well, there's only way out of that situation.

What's that?

I don't know. I'm just saying. There's probably only one way out of it.

But I don't know what it is.

I don't pay any rent.

Free food, you know. No bills. I'm laughing, really.

But I can't go on living with my mother-in-law for ever.

If I was still married, then...

Well, I am still married legally, but...you know what I mean.

At least you're getting blow jobs!

Two years ago was last before I had off Vicky

I don't know what I've done wrong.

I'm scared to go home these days.

If I wasn't so lazy, I'd become a workaholic.

(Fruit machine bleeps)

- Is's the potato men. - Hiya, Phil.

- How's it going? - Not bad, not bad.

Still working for Stan?

No.

There's a few things in the pipeline, though.

And I'm thinking of setting up a market stall selling broken biscuits.

- Is's all happening, then. - Yeah.

So er...you still scared of wasps?

He's frightened to death of wasps.

I'm not scared of 'em. If they fucking sting you, you know about it.

I bought this candy floss once, right. About ten fucking wasps attacked it.

I'm like, "Fuck off, out of it."

Just got all tangled up in it.

Couldn't eat it.

Fucking wasps - cunts.

A wasp sting can kill you.

- That's right. - No, it's not.

It is. Is's well-known, wasp sting.

They can trigger, you know, death in a person.

Yeah, but if you didn't have wasps, you wouldn't have honey, so...

No, that's bees. Bees make honey.

Well, same thing. Little fucking stripy jumpers on.

Fuck 'em!

Bees make honey? Since when?

Are you fucking serious?

Bees and wasps, they invented honey.

DAVE: That's how they became famous

Actually, it's just honey bees that make honey.

Honey bees! On jars of honey, there's always pictures of bees.

FERRIS: Yeah I know I thought.

I thought honey was just treacle with bees in it.

You what?

Don't they just mix a few bees up in the treacle? Flavour it up a bit? I don't know.

- Fucking hell, you don't eat bees. - How do bees make honey, then?

Phil.

They eat flowers, I think.

And something to do with eating the flowers produces a honey effect when they spit it out.

All insects make sweet substances.

Bees make honey and ants make sugar.

- Do they fuck! - They fucking do, don't they, Phil?

No.

I thought they did.

Why didn't you pick Katie up from my mum's?

Was I meant to?

You smell like a pub.

Yeah, well, it just gets in your clothes, the smoke and the beer smell.

Did you put that flannel on the telly?

I had a dirty face and erm... I don't know how it got there.

I'm running round after a child all day.

I'm not running round after you as well.

You're the one who wanted a kid. And now you've got one, it's like it's my fault.

I wanted a family. And this isn't a family.

Because...you're a fucking idiot.

Look, I don't even know what I'm arguing about.

It's very basic Dave.

Is's about being in the house now and again.

Being a proper dad. What's wrong with you?

You know, we're just going round in circles here.

- You're not behaving like a human being. - No I know.

But who does? You've got to be realistic.

You might think this is normal, but I don't.

And I'm not going to carry on living like this.

If I was a monkey, a male monkey,

I wouldn't even be here having this argument.

I'd be down the pub, getting drunk...

(Vacuum cleaner whirs) - ..shagging loads of female monkeys.

That's a natural state of affairs for a male in any species.

This situation here, it's a relatively modern one.

And goes totally against nature.

I'm telling you, society's under a lot of strain right now.

(Vacuum cleaner off)

Dave?

I can't go on any more with this. You'll have to get out of here.

Twelve months ago today, I met Ruth. Is's our anniversary.

She's probably forgot, but...

I'm going to take her out for a nice, expensive, slap-up meal.

Champagne, you know.

Starters. Puddings.

Linda never remembered our wedding anniversary. Or my birthday.

I think it was the heroin.

Is's hard to keep the romance in a relationship.

Men like you and me, Tolly, we're a dying breed.

I used to put strawberry jam on her twat.

Yeah. Dying breed, Tolly, dying breed.

Ruth?

- Oh. - You look lovely. Your hair...

Sorry, what did you want?

I got you these.

Don't take this the wrong way. If you don't leave me alone,

Why?

- For the last time Jeremy, go away! - All couples have arguments.

We are not a couple any more.

How can you go from being...really liking me to not wanting to see me? I don't get it.

To be honest, I didn't like you that much at any point, so...

You've got a new boyfriend, haven't you?

Just tell me.

I'm going to walk away. Leave me alone.

- I'll always love you, Ruth. - Fuck off!

- Give us a ring. - Fuck off, Jeremy!

Any time. I like your outfit, by the way.

It look s really nice on you.

Women, eh?

DELIBES: Flower Duet from Lakme

JEREMY: Like a leaf falling from a tree I fell for you.

Gradual. Then suddenly.

My insides melt.

Your eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth. Everything leading to now.

In the lake my shattered reflection.

The mirror pieces of heartbreak

Be still then passion.

She has turned away like the winter.

My inberrating love

As it warms the clear shafts of sunlight penetrate

your moist fanny with my stiff meaty love-rocket

(Gasps) Fucking bitch!

TOLLY: Like I say you can stay here as long as you like.

DAVE: Yeah cheers Tol

Sad, you know, when you've been with someone a long time.

Well, she should have thought of that before she nagged me to death.

I'm a youg man. I'm only 31 , 32.

I don't need it. You know what I mean?

I still ain't got over, you know, when Linda left me.

You know what my first thought was?

"Great, I can shag loads of birds now."

But, like, my second thought was, "Who?"

Who can I shag? Who exactly am I going to be shagging?

All kinds of thoughts go racing through your mind.

Linda was shagging a mental patient behind my back.

I remember, yeah.

I tell you what, I'm going to be sliding down a very steep learning curve.

No doubt about it.

But from now on, that's it.

Is's just going to be fanny, blow jobs, big tits and...

you know, beer.

That's the kind of lifestyle I want.

- Sandwich? - Cheers, mate.

THE CORAL: Dreaming Of You

What's up with my heart when it skips a beat?

Skips a beat.

Can't feel no pavement right under my feet

Under my feet.

Up in my lonely room Wah-oooh

When I'm dreaming of you

Oh, what can I do? Wah-oooh

I still need you, but

I don't want you now...

All right, mate, is er...Poppy in?

No, she's not.

(Sighs) That's a shame. Is she all right, though?

Who are you?

Sorry, mate. I'm Dave.

I'm an old friend of Poppy's. What time are you expecting her back?

Not till late. She's at work.

Can you give her a message?

What?

- Have you got a pen and a bit of paper? - Look, just tell me.

- You must have some paper. - Oh, Jesus Christ!

This is important!

All right, the message is from me, Dave.

That's D-A-V-E.

Just say, with respect to the threesome - yeah? Just put threesome.

With respect to the threesome, it's a thumbs-up.

Is's just that she asked me if I'd be interested but, you know,

I was still with my wife at the time, so er...

Mind you, I'm going back a bit now.

I've not seen Poppy for a couple of years.

You know, she could be...

- You're not her husband, are you? - No.

- This is her mam's house, in't it? - Yeah.

- Who are you, then? - I'm her brother.

Ooh, nice one. Brother.

How did that come about, then?

What do you mean?

Yeah, if you could pass the message on, that would be great.

I'll just write my number down.

There you go.

How's your mam, anyway?

She died last year.

What a shame.

Anyway, get Poppy to give us a ring as soon as she gets back

cos I've just split up with my wife.

Last night, actually.

Is's taking me a while to adjust, so a threesome with your sister would be superb right now.

Tell her it's urgent!

BUZZCOCKS: Orgasm Addict

Well, you tried it just for once, found it all right for kick s

But now you found out that it's a habit that stick s

And you're an orgasm addict

You're an orgasm addict

Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines

Now your mother wants to know what all those stains on your jeans are.

And you're an orgasm addict

You're an orgasm addict

Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha

You get in a heat, you get in a sulk

But you still keep a-beating your meat to pulp...

Yeah? Wow. What else are you wearing?

Oh, God! Really?

What? What am I wearing?

Erm...a brown jumper. A pair of trousers I got off my dad.

They didn't fit him. He got them out the catalogue

and didn't send them back, so I had them.

Linda, my ex-wife, she used to quite like me in these trousers.

Yeah, she just pissed off one day.

Never rung me or anything.

I've heard she's been done for shoplifting, which...

Hello? Hello?

Have you finished, Tolly? You're putting me off my breakfast.

Excuse me, mate.

How much are your plastic twats?

- Fifty quid. - Right.

What do you use to erm... What do you put inside it?

Your cock.

No, I meant to make it all slippery.

Do you put, like, margarine in it or something?

There's tubes of KY Jelly. Next to the vibrators.

Yeah, but it doesn't taste of anything, does it?

You're not supposed to eat it, mate.

No, no.

Obviously.

But is there anything else?

Is there anything that's got a more... proper fanny flavour?

Yeah. A proper fanny.

ANSWERPHONE: Leave your message now ( Beep)

All right guys. My name's Nigel Tolly

My mates call me Tolly.

I'm average, 26, divorced.

I look er...OK. Normal.

I haven't got a moustache, anything like that.

I like takeaway meals, renting videos and I used to have a motorbike.

Sold it to a mate of mine. He didn't look after it.

Still, that's another story.

I have my own...apartment.

With future fridge et cetera

Gas central heating.

I'm really looking for a girl who enjoys dirty sex acts.

Any size, any age, any colour.

No sex-change people. I must specify that.

And I like putting jam on people. I've got to get that across. Is's very important.

So please send photos to my box number

or leave a message if you want strawberry jam put on your areas.

I will, of course, buy you a drink and a meal.

That's about it, girls. Get dialling now. OK.

Three women at once.

And I bet he's got a few cans of beer in that fridge for later on.

My cousin's been killed in a car crash.

- Has he? - Yeah.

Nice bloke, he was. He lent us �500 the other week.

I won't have to pay that back now, will l?

No, if somebody dies, it's their fault, in't it?

Yeah. Shame for his wife and kid, and that,

but for me personally... it's worked out all right.

DAVE: Here we are look.

- Nice. - All right, girls?

Fuck off!

THE SPECIALS: A Message To You, Rudy

Oh, come on, Ferris. Just get it over with.

Tell him his dad's dead or I'm going to be late.

I can't do it, Dave.

All right. Leave it to me.

I'm pretty good at this sort of thing.

Stop your messing around

Better think of your future...

Do you know your dad used to be alive?

Well, he's not any more.

Creating problems in town...

Rudy...

Where's Mummy?

Good point. Where's his mum?

She's in a coma.

A message to you...

Do you want an ice cream?

Come on, then.

VERDI: Brindisi from La Traviata

Dear Ruth you cowbag

I know you are enjoying this situation.

Messing me about and getting all this attention.

I noticed you've now changed all your telephone numbers

your mobile, your home number and your extension at work

as well as your email addresses and both fax numbers.

When they ask you why I can just imagine you saying.

"There's this man who's obsessively in love with me you know how it is."

I bet you let everyone know about me because it makes you look really good

in demand Wanted by me!

Well you'd better make the most of it.

You've got the kind of face that isn't going to age very well.

Fat cheeks and piggy eyes

in a couple of years you'll be ringing me up.

You'll be desperate and I'll say "You had your chance darling but you blew it.

Now go away and be ugly and fat.

And honey"

You'll keep this letter in a box as a souvenir of the times when you could attract me!

You know this is true.

And that new boyfriend of yours I know for a fact he's seeing somebody else.

All the best Jeremy.

RUTH: Just sniffs. Sniffs the grass. In a minute, he'll see something he wants to play with.

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

- (Laughs) - Yeah.

(Dog bark s)

Oi! Fuck off!

Fuck off!

(Dog bark s)

RUTH: Bobby!

BO YFRIEND: Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

(Evil chuckle) OK. I'm going to chop your fucking head off, mister.

Send you back in a fucking carrier bag. See how she likes that.

Don't move.

There.

How do you like this situation, then, eh?

You scared? You fucking scared? Are you?

Right.

This was a really stupid thing to do.

SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy

All right.

Put your hands up if you're going to shag two women this afternoon.

FERRIS: Are you?

Just got a message from Poppy. Can't believe it.

I'm having a threesome today.

Can I come?

- No - Wouldn't be a threesome then.

No, but...

- Congratulations, mate. - Cheers.

- Yeah, nice one, Dave. - Cheers, Tol.

I can't believe it. A threesome!

FERRIS: You deserve it mate.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

DAVE: They want to sort the parking out round here.

Is's hopeless. You should have permit parking or something.

Go in there with Kevin. I'll only be a minute.

Right.

Kevin? Who's Kevin?

Is's a threesome, Dave. You need three people.

Yeah, but I thought it would be me and two women.

Yeah, I bet you did.

- All right, mate? - All right.

Where did you park?

Actually, l... I got the bus.

My car's off the road at the minute. I had er...a bump.

I've been driving round for ages.

- I haven't kept you waiting, have I? - No. I got here early.

You know, I like to soak up the atmosphere.

(Dogs bark outside)

Turn off the mobile.

Yeah. How do they work, these things?

I wouldn't want to hazard a guess.

Is's like space age.

Is's all them aerials. You see 'em on the motorway. Is's like a network. Like the radio.

Yeah, but the radio - how does that work?

How does music travel through the air

then get into the radio and come back out again?

I-I-I'd imagine it's the same system as the phones.

Could be, yeah.

I saw that Adrian Chiles in the pub and I asked him about it.

He didn't have a clue, and he's on the BBC.

Lives near Redditch. Lovely house.

He's quite a nice bloke, actually.

Told us that he's loaded, like.

He said he doesn't get out of bed for less than two grand.

He just stays in bed if no-one pays him?

Yeah. Think so.

His pyjamas must stink.

Actually, there was a funny smell in that pub.

(Bed thuds)

I reckon this bed's seen a bit of action.

All the joints are loose.

You need an Allen key.

Tighten 'em up, and it'll be right as rain.

POPPY: Hello boys!

You haven't got an Allen key, have you?

I've got vibrators, dildos,

handcuffs...

Is's just...we really need an Allen key.

What for?

- Well... - Dave! Don't worry about it.

Let's...

DAVE: Right yeah!

- No problem. - Fancy a spit roast?

Yeah! I do.

I've only had a sandwich for my dinner.

Everybody was kung fu fighting

Those cats were fast as lightning

In fact, it was a little bit frightening

But they fought with expert timing

There were funky Chinamen

From funky Chinatown

They were chopping them up

They were chopping them down

Is's an ancient Chinese art

And everybody knew their part

From a feint into a slip

And a kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung fu fighting...

I like cauliflower and I like cheese...

..but I don't like cauliflower cheese.

Same with me. I like apples and I like toffee but I don't like toffee apples.

But then...l don't like actual tomatoes,

but I love tomato sauce.

Is's just weird.

Are you two going to shut up, or what?

Sorry, love.

- Is's Dave. - Cheers, mate.

I don't care who it is, just shut up and concentrate.

I'm doing all the work here.

Let's just get it finished.

I can't "finish" just like that. I need some stimulation.

Come on, Dave. Let's step it up a gear.

Have you got any porn mags?

Just put some elbow grease into it.

(Bed creak s)

DAVE: Aye! There you go!

(Dogs bark in distance)

JOAN: Ferris is that you? - Yeah.

Come here a minute.

Erm...

Look at this

- What? - I want to show you something.

- What is it? - I won't bite you!

I got my photos back.

Oh. Oh, right.

What do you think of that?

What is it, the moon? Look s like the surface of the moon.

How can it be the moon? I haven't been to the moon, have l?

- I don't know. - Is's my arse.

- Oh, right. - I got one of them throwaway cameras.

Here y'are. Guess what that is.

- Oh, Jesus. - Might get that one enlarged.

Listen, Joan, I've got to...

Don't you want to take your trousers down?

- No. - Why not?

Is's cold.

I'll put the fire on. There's a hell of a draught coming from this door.

I've got a new bra.

Look, Joan, the thing is, I-I like living here and everything,

it's just that I don't want to...

That is a nice bra.

Shall we strangle the hamster?

All right. Just once more, then.

SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy

A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I don't know if we can get higher

But tell me why you're dressed in black

Life is short and full of flowers

If you know you'll reach the sky

I feel happy

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I feel happy

Yeah, yeah, yeah

- All right, mate? - All right.

(Laughs) What happened here?

- Crazy paving. - This ain't crazy paving, Ferris.

This is just shit.

I was trying to...you know.

You haven't got, like, any artistic vision here, have you?

Is's just a random fucking big mess.

Is's crazy paving. You just bung slabs down on the floor.

No. I think you've focused too much on the crazy aspect

and not enough on the paving side of it.

Have you come round to have a go at my crazy paving?

- No, but... - What do you want, then?

Nothing.

You're standing on my string.

What type of concrete are you using? Cos you know there's different types.

You're getting on my nerves.

I'm just saying, there's different types of concrete!

Use the wrong one and...you're fucked!

Is's just ordinary concrete.

Tolly is driving me round the twist.

He never stops wanking. I just had to get out of there.

You want to try living here, with Joan.

24 hours a day, it's either blow jobs or crazy paving.

Look at us. Half eleven on a Saturday morning.

It isn't right. We're youg blokes.

We shouldn't be stood here like this. We should be living lives to the full.

We should be down the pub.

Threesomes are a great innovation, no question of that.

Is's the other bloke being there that, you know...

I'd rather it were me and two women, but that's more difficult to organise.

Yeah, women get a bit narked when you try and involve another bird.

They take umbrage.

I don't want to sound like a complete poof, but...

I used to like talking to my wife.

Did you?

I know it's weird,

but her little face chatting away and then you say something.

You know, like... pretending that you're listening.

Is's nice when a woman looks at you like that, you know.

Appreciative.

That's what I'm going to miss.

Are you all right, mate?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just at that stage in my life where I just feel, you know...

really...hungry.

OPERATOR: Please enter your four-digit number.

Welcome to the Sexy Singles call exchange.

Your personal fun box is empty.

TOLLY: I want one of them golden showers.

I want you to like piss on me,

then I want to do a 69

but first I want to put some of this strawberry jam on your twat so I can lick it off.

Then I want another girl with a strap-on dildo shaggin' me up the arse

while you're doing yourself with a vibrator

and then you both toss me off. How much will that be?

Well, let's see.

Where's my price list?

Customer providing own jam

..double toss off...

plus VAT...

Let's call it 200.

�200?

- That's cheap - Bloody hell.

How much did you want to spend?

What do you get for 20 quid?

I'll show you my tits.

That's 20 quid? I can get 13 pints of beer for 20 quid.

- Go on, then. - All right, then, I will.

And I'll toss myself off, for free. Thank you very much.

Don't forget your jam.

Oh, yeah.

Thank s, love.

Can I see your arse for a fiver?

- No. - All right. Ta-ra, then, love.

Ta-ra a bit.

You coming for a pint?

Can't, mate. I'm going down the hospital.

I'm taking Matthew to see his mum.

- The one in the coma with the big tits? - Yep, that's her.

I bet there's some cracking nurses there.

There is, mate. That's why I'm going.

You know what nurses are like.

Buy 'em a drink and some chips and they'll do anything.

She's much thinner than before.

I don't think they eat much in a coma.

They don't eat anything, do they?

I thought it was, like, astronaut food down a pipe.

Yeah, that's it. That's it, I think.

- You reckon they're quite big? - Oh, yeah.

DAVE: Not bad. TOLLY: Nice.

I need the toilet.

What do you want? Number 1 or number 2?

Number 3.

Come on, Matthew.

I'll take him to get some sweets.

All right, mate.

(Clink of crockery )

- All right, love? - Yeah, thanks. You?

You remember Ferris, don't you, Mum?

- Who? - Ferris. Julie's husband. The wedding.

Hello, Rose. How are you doing?

(Horn beeps) - Your taxi's here, Mum.

Ferris. Oh, yes. Ferris.

Got everything? Have you got your stick?

Joan says you've got a big cock.

- Mum! - What?

Show it to her, Ferris.

- What? - Show her your thing.

No!

Ferris! She doesn't get out much, she's practically bedridden.

Oh, come on, Ferris.

- Joan! - Don't be such a spoilsport, Ferris.

You've had a lot of generosity from this family, living here rent-free.

I don't ask for much in return.

Well, hurry up.

Wow!

I told you.

When it's stiff it's like a rolling pin.

- Can I touch it? - Yeah, go on, have a feel.

Ohhh!

If I was 50 years youger...

- Put it in your mouth. - Joan!

I can't get down there with my back.

Stand on a chair, Ferris.

I'm not standing on a chair.

MAN: Taxi for Rose

(Zips up ) JOAN: Just coming love.

ROSE: Has he gone to get a chair? - No he's.

Let's get you home. They'll be wondering where you've got to.

ROSE: It's shepherd's pie tonight.

JOAN: Ooh lucky you!

You can't stay here long.

No, I know. Is's only for a couple of nights.

I was thinking of buying my own place,

but if I just move them jars of gherkins out the way, I could sleep on that shelf.

Well, if I'm going to do you a favour,

there might be a favour you can do for me.

All right, then, yeah. No problem.

Mop that floor, you bitch.

I feel like a right cunt doing this.

Keep going. Keep going!

DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: One Way Love

(Girl grunts)

That's pretty clean now.

Go and find

Oh!

The kind of girl

Who think s you're the only

Guy in the world

No more half kisses

That's bad enough

No more teardrops

No more one-way love

One-way love

Is's harder for someone

Who likes to love fast

You know that kind of love

Will never last

If she's fast and furious

That can be rough

You'll never have one-way love

One-way love...

MICHAEL HOLLIDAY: Starry-eyed

Why am I so starry-eyed?

Do us your trick, Bobby. Go on. (Laughs)

Clever boy. Go on, do us another one.

( Laughs)

Where'd you learn to do that?

I love you Bobby You're just such a smashing little dog.

I'm sorry I tried to kill you.

I wouldn't do it now.

I just really want to...you know, go to the park with you and spend all my time with you.

I love you, Bobby.

You're just a fantastic little dog, aren't you? Bobby?

Bobby! Bobby, come back.

Bobby, where are you going? Bobby!

When we touch I hear angels sing Starry-eyed

When we kiss I hear wedding bells ring...

This is Bobby. Say hello.

All right, mate?

- You know what you get from a dog? - Dog shit.

Unconditional love.

Is it yours?

Actually, it's Ruth's.

She's away. She's in...Switzerland.

So I'm looking after little Bobby.

Well, don't, you know, while she's away.

Don't start shagging it, cos she'll find out.

They always find out.

I know why I'm starry-eyed

Starry-eyed and mystified

All my dreams are coming true

Just because I'm so in love with you

Oh, hello! What's his name?

Er, Bobby. Like Bobby Dazzler.

Aw.

Say hello, Bobby. Say hello to erm...

I'm Shelley. This is Crystal.

Hello, Crystal.

(Dogs pant and whine) - Don't do that, Crystal.

- Bobby, stop it! - Crystal, stop it!

Bobby, stop it!

I lived in...Africa for a while.

Out there you soon learn to respect wild animals, you know.

Lions, tigers,

hippos.

Whereabouts in Africa were you?

The er...safari district.

Right. Yeah.

I'd love to go on a safari.

It was Kenya, where I was.

You'd love it there. Is's like solid jungle, you know.

You open your curtains in the morning and there's giraffes everywhere.

I love animals.

So do I. They're great.

RUTH: Bobby!

SHELLEY: Are you a Capricorn? RUTH: Bobby!

RUTH: Bobby! - What is it?

Shit.

Sorry, what... what is it?

RUTH: Jeremy! BO YFRIEND: Oi! You!

- Be nice to go out for a drink or something. - Yes.

- Nice to meet you. Bye. - Bye.

- That man stole my dog. - Did he?

(Bottles clank)

(Heavy grunting)

FERRIS: What are you doing?

- Is's the gherkin man. - What's this all about?

Take no notice of him, he's just the potato man.

What's he doing up there?

Trying to get some sleep, so just deliver your gherkins and piss off.

Don't tell me to piss off or I'll come up and smack your face in for you.

- You don't have to get all... - Forget him, he's just a prat.

I'm not taking any lip from a potato man.

GIRL: I know it's OK

You signed for them gherkins, love?

Hang on a minute. That's my shelf!

Oi! Potato man!

You been messing about with my gherkins?

No. This is... this is the vinegar shelf.

I don't think so.

They're just shelves. Can everybody just leave it?

Listen, potato boy, you keep your hands off my gherkins, all right?

- See you in a fortnight, love. - Yeah. OK.

What's all that about?

Look what you've done now. You've upset the gherkin man.

Do you know what? This is all bollocks.

You treat this place like an hotel.

Is's about time you realised, Ferris, this is a chip shop, and don't you forget it.

- Well, if that's how you want it, then... (Door slams)

SUPER PREACHERS: I Feel Happy

I got flowers,

I got chocolates for a special girl.

- What are you after? - Nothing.

I thought we could go for a walk.

I haven't really had time to talk to you that much.

So that's your game, is it? Talking.

I thought it'd be nice - just me and you.

Have a nice...conversation. Go for a quick walk round the park.

I hardly know you. I'm not going to go walking round the park with you.

All right, then, forget it.

I'm having a few people round next week for group sex, if you're interested.

No, I... I think I'm busy that day.

What day is it?

Tuesday.

No, I... I don't think so, you know.

Please yourself.

Right, well, I'd...better make a move.

- Yeah, see you. - Yeah.

DAVE: I've always fancied you.

- Have you? - Yeah.

You've got your own house, haven't you?

Yes.

How many bedrooms you got?

Three. Why?

I bet it's...nice and clean, isn't it?

I've only got half an hour, you know!

Right. OK. Well...

I thought, you know, we'd...start with some penis work.

Like what?

How does a blow job sound?

I don't do that.

Course you do.

No, I don't like it.

But it's great. Is's...standard procedure.

Would you do it?

Yes, I would. If it'd make the other person happy.

Well, not me.

What if I put strawberry jam on it?

You're only a potato man. I won't do anything weird.

What do you mean, only a potato man?

You've really spoilt the atmosphere now.

You smell of chips but I weren't going to say anything.

You're a stupid idiot.

Your hair smells of pickled onions.

Well, you've got a horrible face.

I'm not going to get anything out of you, am I?

Not now, no.

I'm sorry, love.

Look...I'll settle for a hand job.

You'll be lucky.

- Well, how about some free chips? - Piss off, Dave.

So what do you reckon my chances are with whatsit?

I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dave.

She's only been out the coma a couple of week s.

She'll still be pissed off about her husband being dead and that.

So you're saying play it cool, sort of thing.

Yeah, I can do that.

Is's lovely and clean, innit?

- Is's a nice house you've got here, Helen. - Thanks.

Steve was pretty good with the decorating.

That was one of his things.

I'm sorry for you about what happened to him.

A motorway pile-up, it's terrible.

I heard it was a really nice car an' all.

What was it, a Renault?

Thought we'd just come round, see how you are.

If there's anything we can do.

Well, thanks for the potatoes.

DAVE: There's plenty more where they come from.

We'll see you all right. Don't you worry.

Oh, and that �500 you owe us, Ferris,

I could really do with it right now!

If you've got it, that is.

Course, yeah.

It must be really difficult for you right now.

But no use crying over spilt milk, is there?

You've got to... You need a man about the place.

Yeah, well, Phil's been very good to me the past few weeks.

Phil? Phil who?

All right, lads?

DAVE: What are you doing here? - I live here.

Since when?

Phil delivers biscuits to the hospital. That's how we met.

Fancy a biscuit, Dave? Ferris?

No.

So, how's life been treating the potato men?

- Look out, Phil, there's a wasp! - Where?

Ferris, the gherkin man means nothing to me.

I was just trying to make you jealous.

Seeing you with that other girl made me realise you're not a bad bloke.

Well, I didn't even know her name, to be honest. That was just a...

I can see us making a go of it.

Not just shagging in this crappy old storeroom all the time.

I'm talking about something more.

Like what?

We could do it lying down. On a bed.

I like the sound of that.

My husband's away for a few days.

Why don't you come back to the house tonight? We've got a big double bed, fluffy carpets.

If you bring some cans of beer, I'll bring some leftover pies

and we'll make a night of it.

Ace.

(Girl grunts)

This is better than that stinky old stockroom, innit?

Yeah, it's all right. When's your husband back?

Oh, not for ages.

Monday, I think. Is's a long drive from Poland.

- What's he doing there? - Smuggling.

- Smuggling? - Yeah, smuggling...motorbikes.

Is he?

I'm thinking of buying a moped.

MAN: Shit!

Fucking hell!

- I thought he was in Poland. - Erm...

Listen, Ferris.

You breathe one word of this to anybody, you're dead. Right?

OK. I'll... I'll just get dressed and go and...

You ain't going anywhere. You finish what you started.

- How do you mean? - Come on. Get on with it.

Shag my wife, Ferris, or you're in big trouble.

Don't make me come out there, Ferris! I'm warning you!

I hope my husband doesn't catch us.

- This is out of order. - Shut up, Ferris.

- You said he was in Poland (Grunting in wardrobe)

He's in the fucking wardrobe.

If he finds out, he's going to punish me real bad.

You and me are finished, I'm telling you.

Oh, use me. Use me!

Like the slutty wife I am.

(Husband grunts)

That should fucking do it.

- Am I being held prisoner? - No!

Well... A little bit.

But it's just a game.

- Is it? - (Husband slams fist) Look!

Any more shit from you, sunshine, and I'll drown you in the bath like I did that sackful of kittens.

That really turned me on.

What?

Is's a game.

You're not going to drown me, are you?

I'll punch you in the fucking face if you don't shut it.

I thought you liked having sex with me.

Not like this. This is...

GIRL: This is how I like it.

Next time, we'll do whatever you want. I'll do anything you want.

- Think of something. (Power tools whir)

There is one or two things I wouldn't mind trying.

I've got some right stuff in store for you over the next few week s, Ferris. Oh, yes.

Some really fucked-up shit.

Get him down in the basement.

Come on. (Grunts and laughs)

- What do you keep in the basement? - Come on.

- Have you got a pool table? - (Husband laughs)

(Girl grunts)

If I can't see you,

you can't see me.

If my husband walk s in here now and catches us, we're dead.

If the rope break s, we're dead.

HUSBAND: Oh! Who wants salt and vinegar?

Oh, God. No.

Ahhhh!

FERRlS: Fu... (Splash)

I had to park bloody miles away.

And they've dug up Old Ford Road again.

Got the Allen key, by the way.

(Chatter)

No wonder I couldn't get parked.

(Poppy moans)

(Men pant heavily )

We could do with a couple more girls in here, couldn't we?

Yeah.

Where did you park, then?

Right outside. Got here early.

Is that your Ford Galaxy out there, the blue one?

- Yeah. - What's it like? All right?

Is's a decent motor. Feels safe, know what I mean? For the kids, and that.

(Poppy's moaning intensifies)

- Is there any more beer left? - No. Is's all gone.

- There's wine. - Wine? Who drink s fucking wine?

How much longer you going to be, mate? There's people queuing up here.

What number you got?

5.

Well, you're all right.

1 1 . Is's typical.

What have we come here for?

This is where I met Vicky. Is's a good night in here on a Saturday.

FERRlS: But it's only quarter past one.

DAVE: Is's like a trip down memory lane for me.

Or it would be if I could remember anything about it.

I'd had a few that night.

Never going to pick up any birds in here, mate.

It'll be all right. We'll have a couple of pints and then...it will pick up a bit later.

Backing track to Come On, Eileen

Come on, Eileen!

These people round here

Wear beaten-down eyes...

..resigned to what their fate is

My mother cried!

No never.

We are far too youg and clever Much too youg and clever

Come on, Eileen

Too-ra loo-ra, too-ra loo rye aye

Come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

I swear now, Eileen

At this moment Dirty!

You mean everything Everything

Pretty white dress

Oh, you're verging on...dress

Oh, you're dirty!

Oh, come on, Eileen

That pretty red dress.

Oh, I swear... Tell me yes.

Oh, you're dirty

Oh, come on, Eileen...dirty

DAVE: You all right then? VICKY: Yeah

The washing machine, there's still water coming out of it.

Probably a...leak...

of some kind.

How have you been?

Great. Everything's great.

You know, things are really starting to...

They're continuing to be great

So er

You all right, then?

Yeah. You all right?

Yeah. Great.

Everything's...great.

You know, if you want me back, I can move in straightaway.

Let's just leave things as they are.

Whatever it is you want me to do, I'll do it.

At Tolly's there's never anything to eat.

He's dirty I want to come home.

I don't want to live with Tolly. I want to live with you and Katie.

Well, you can't.

Why not?

Is's not as simple as that.

You know the person I feel sorry for in all this...

is me.

Hello.

Whatever that woman told you about me, it's not true.

You stole her dog.

(Laughs nervously )

That boyfriend of hers, he's not right in the head.

I never stole any dog.

That's...no...

Actually, yes, I did steal the dog,

but...you...can't know what I went through with all that.

I've got my own dog now.

She messed me about rotten. I was just trying to get my own back.

I know what you're thinking, but...

you don't know what I've been through with that woman.

- Come on, Spike. - No I...I do

I do know what you've been through. I know exactly how you feel.

Do you?

How do you mean?

SHELLEY: He'd been seeing her for five weeks. I didn't ever twig.

I just thought, "That's not right."

Then I found out he was taking her to Paris for the weekend.

(Sighs) I still had the keys to his house so...

I went round there...

I went into the kitchen and I'd got some of

Crystal's you know dog mess that I'd collected in the park.

And before that I'd collected quite a lot from other dogs.

I put some in the bienden

added some water and erm.

(Whirs)

Colli had this high-powered waterpistol.

And I knew it was a mad thing to do but

after the way he treated me I just didn't care.

I just thought "Fuck him."

I did every room in the house.

That was a year ago. You can still smell it.

Yeah, well, nothing smells quite like a house full of dog shit.

With erm... With Ruth...

I told her I was a dentist.

Kept it up for months.

She thought it was great.

I told her I had my own dental practice.

And her mam and dad were pretty impressed as well.

But when she found out I worked in the potato distributior business which is what I do

she went spane.

Called me a liar which is fair enough I suppose,

A few days later she rang me up but that was that.

I tried to talk to her but she wasn't having any of it.

I don't care any more anyway.

I'm a potato man. That's what I do.

Doesn't make me a bad person.

Would you like to see my horse?

(Grunting and groaning)

Phew!

- Well, well! (Horse neighs)

OPERATOR: Your fun box has one new message.

WOMAN: Hiya Tolly my name's Gloria.

I really like your message. You sound like you're up for a laugh.

Fucking yes! Yes!

(Rings bell)

This is very nice, Gloria, thanks for this.

Good idea, get to know each other. I haven't been to a party for ages.

- How come? - Dunno. Don't get invited to any.

Gloria, hello! Come on in, nice to see you!

Told you I'd make it!

- Nice to see you. - All right, mate. Been swimming?

- Eh? - Don't matter.

- Is this what I think it is? - Depends. What do you think it is?

Is's obviously some sort of towel party.

Is's a sex party.

Fucking hell! Honestly?

Hey, I've heard about these. Is's like, anything goes.

Is's like a big orgy. Brilliant!

What a sight

Is's got a certain style

Hits the spot

Hits it right

Take your chance

Don't miss out, it's so near

Grab it, now's the time, cos it's here

Plat du jour

Served right up for you

One tasty dish

Is's a cure

Keep on track

And now it's right on stream

lt'll keep you

Ahead of the pack

Don't miss out

GLORIA: How was that then?

Was that what you wanted?

Yeah, it was great, yeah. Thanks.

You don't sound very happy about it.

No, I'm just, you know.

- Do you want to do it some more? - No, that was... That was it.

I could do with a cup of tea, actually.

All this jam.

Sleeping here now, are you?

FERRIS: Yeah

That chip shop - I got my fingers burnt there, mate.

- Did you? - Yeah. Look.

Trying to get a pound coin out the fat-fryer.

- Bet it hurt. - Did.

And I nearly got beat up by big fat Gordon.

I've warned you about him.

He catch you with his missus, did he?

Yeah, something like that.

You want to keep a low profile.

I'm gonna. Anyway, have a look at this.

(Beeps horn)

- What do you reckon? - Oh, magic.

Funky moped.

I see what's going on here.

You've had enough of women for t'time being and it's going to

so you're... you're expressing yourself in a different way.

No, mate. This is a fanny magnet.

I'm gonna be knee-deep in pussy with this thing.

- What did it cost you? - Nothing.

I borrowed it off a mate of mine.

I'm thinking of buying it, though.

You reckon I should get one?

(Starts engine) - Is's up to you.

Give us a go, then.

- That's the accelerator. - Yeah, I know.

- Is's nice, innit? - Yeah.

Oh, fuck!

Dave! Dave!

Fuck!

DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: There, There, My Dear

Just say a situation occurred that was out of your hands.

You know, human error.

Police horse sat on it. That'll do.

He's 24. He'll understand.

You should pay for the repairs.

Here he comes. Just act normal.

- All right, Ferris? - All right, Beans.

So what do you think, then? You buying my moped?

Erm...

What do you think, Dave?

I'm going for a piss.

Is's hardly done any miles. Is's a bargain.

Yeah. All right, then, I'll have it.

Nice one, Ferris. I'll see you later on in the week.

I've got to get off, I'm with Debs.

- Yeah, I'll settle up with you when I see you. - Sorted.

Piss off, Dave. Leaving me to sort it out.

I want a word with you. Outside.

She's in the back seat.

You want me to give her one?

Yeah.

Where are you going to be?

Never you mind.

What you waiting for? Want some of this? Eh?

Get in there.

Come on!

I'm going to have flat beer because of you.

If my husband finds out about us... in the back of his car

doing it doggy-style,

he'll put me across his knee.

FERRIS: This is the last time I'm doing this.

GlRL: Use me. Use me.

- You're using me. - Shut up, Ferris, you tart.

Just think of my big fat husband.

And what he'll do to me if he finds out.

My big...fat...husband.

Right. That's it.

I've had enough of this.

Ferris?

- Ferris! (Grunting from car boot)

Dave.

Come here!

What do you think you're doing?

Tell him, Dave. Tell him to leave me alone.

This ain't nowt to do wi' me, Ferris.

Get back in the car, you.

Dave, I'm asking you to help me.

- What are you doing, Gordon? - None of your business.

Dave!

What? I don't even know what's going on!

- Keep your mouth shut, Ferris. - No Gordon!

I don't care if you beat me up, I'm not doing this any more.

- We'll see about that. - No. If I carry on doing this,

it's going to put me off sex for life, and that's not going to happen.

OK? My sex life...is all I've got.

- I'm not doing it, Gordon. - Yeah, you tell him, Ferris.

And if you've got a problem with that, me and Dave are going to beat you up,

Dave?

Yeah, that's right. D-Don't mess with the potato men.

You're a pair of fucking idiots!

Yeah, well, you're locked in the boot of your car.

You'd better let him out or he'll go mad.

Yeah, I suppose so.

You dickhead!

I opened the boot to show there's no hard feelings!

Why don't you both just fuck off?

All right, we will!

Come on, Dave.

Gordon's bottle went, didn't it?

It was when you said, "Don't mess with the potato men."

Yeah, I wish I hadn't said that now. Sounds stupid.

You're going to have to get that moped repaired.

- Yeah, I'll pay for it. - Good. I'm still thinking of buying it.

Fuck it, I am going to buy it. I'm buying a moped.

- Is's got a big dent in it. - Don't care. I'm buying a moped.

Joan?

What's going on?

- Not you again? - What do you want, Ferris?

Nothing.

I thought you might like to see my moped.

He's got a massive cock.

(Chatter)

(Chink s glass)

Thank you Er.

Thank you. Thank s. Erm...

I just want to say thank s for coming at short notice

to this occasion to celebrate that me and Shelley have got engaged.

(Half-hearted cheer)

Erm... Is's been a whirlwind romance.

We're both madly in love.

Shelley's what I've been looking for all my life.

And she's got what she's always been looking for -

a potato man.

(Tolly cheers)

Seriously... Er...thank s.

Erm... Here's to me and Shelley.

ALL: Cheers.

There's plenty of crisps and nuts if you er...want to er...

(Guests chatter animatedly )

A bit of all right, that Shelley, isn't she?

She keeps looking over here.

I think she fancies me.

Don't be stupid.

Why can't I find a nice sensible girl like that?

Yeah, I know. Is's not fair, is it?

I'm moving my stuff into Tolly's tonight.

Yeah, you'll like it. He's er... He's got a nice place.

Is's good timing for me, you moving out and that.

I needed to move on.

Start a new chapter. Make a fresh start.

- Sleeping in the van? - Yeah.

Be all right.

Is's only for a couple of nights, though, cos I think I've found somewhere new.

Is's temporary, but it's better than the van.

Where's that, then?

Where?

Bluey-green's always been my favourite colour.

Is's very er...

Is's very nice, Joan.

And it's see-through.

Yeah, that reminds me, I'm going to have to trim that hedge.

Ready for another one?

Not really.

I've really got to have a decent break between each one or I'll injure myself.

I'll do a bit of crazy paving for an hour.

Sod, the crazy paving, I've got needs!

Joan, honestly, I'm drained.

I need to get some fresh air.

What about a quick shower?

No thanks!

Hello, chicken!

What are you doing?

Is's so you don't have to walk on t'grass. Is's called crazy paving.

Is's funny-looking.

DAVE: It's nice!

Ferris told me you were here.

He came rourd to see me

He's worried about you.

- Is he? - Yeah

And he hates living at Tolly's place.

All them horrible smells...and rats.

He's got rats.

Could do with a bit of a clean-up, that place.

If you come back, I'm not standing for any nonsense.

I know.

You're a dad. And that's what you've got to be.

Yeah, th-that's what I want to do.

And you've got to help me.

I will, I swear.

Come on, Katie.

We've got to go.

You coming?

SUPER PREACHERS: Hands Up

Hands up! Hands up!

I was about 13, I think. Late starter.

12. I was 12.

What about you, Tolly? When did you have your first wank?

Oh, er... Half past seven.

Then another one about...quarter to nine.

Here's your film back, mate.

- What's that? Lord Of The Rings? - No, Spunk Guzzlers Drenched In Piss.

Cheers.

FERRIS: Porn. You can't beat it.

They spend millions making normal films with special effects and that.

I reckon 99% of people would rather watch hardcore porn than any other type of film.

I think you're right. If you were on a desert island and could only have one film,

you're not going to want Return Of The Fucking Jedi, are you?

You want one with a bird in it

with a nice juicy fanny and a big pair of tits.

Is's common sense, isn't it?

You know what I'd like?

I'd like to be able to detach my knob, take it right off,

then I could get both ends sucked at once.

I'd like to get a giant panda, kill it, then fuck it.

Why do you want to do that?

Dave, if you don't kill it, it's going to bite you!

They, like, maul you, pandas.

I think it's all that black-and-white fur and that great big arse.

Has anyone seen my dog?

DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS: Come On, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

Poor old Johnny Ray

Sounded sad upon the radio

Moved a million hearts in mono

Our mothers cried

And sang along, who'd blame them?

You're grown You're grown up

So grown So grown up

Now I must say more than ever

Come or Eileen

Toora loora, toora loo rye aye

We can sing just like our fathers

Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear Well he means

At this moment

You mean everything

With you in that dress

My thoughts I confess

Verge on dirty

Oh, come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen

These people round here

Wear beaten-down eyes sunk in smoke-dried faces

So resigned to what their fate is

But not us No never.

No, not us No never.

We are far too youg and clever

Remember

Go, toora loora, toora loo rye aye

Eileen, I'll hum this tune for ever

Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear Well he means

Oh, come on, let's take off everything

That pretty red dress

Eileen Tell him yes

Oh, come on, let's

Oh, come on, Eileen

That pretty red dress

Eileen Tell him yes

Oh, come on, let's

Oh, come on, Eileen, please

Come on Eileen too loo rye aye

Come on Eileen too loo rye aye

Now you are grown Toora

Now you have shown Toora too loora

Oh, Eileen

Said, you're grown Come or Eileen too hoo rye aye

So grown Come on Eileen too loo rye aye

Now I must say more than ever Toora toora too loora

Things round here will change

I said, toora loora Come or Eileen too hoo rye aye

Toora loo rye aye Come on Eileen too loo rye aye

Toora toora too loora

Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear Well he means

At this moment

You mean everything

With you in that dress

My thoughts I confess

Verge on dirty

Oh, come on, Eileen

Come on, Eileen