Original subtitles

I just wanted to thank everyone here in the Los Angeles Filipino community

for welcoming me so warmly,

especially after I so egregiously wronged your children.

[groaning]

Thank you.

And we've made tremendous strides lo these many weeks

shutting down many child-based endurance television shows

that my company regretfully produced without my knowledge, such as,

of course, Kids Have to Dance! It's gone.

The horrifying Can You Beat Up a Fifth Grader?

-[audience groaning] -You can.

Celebrity Child Dig-A-Hole.

[all groaning]

Who Wants to Manufacture an iPhone? Tiny Hands Edition.

-[all groaning] -And one of the most despicable programs

I have seen, which is...

-Shark Tank. -[audience murmuring]

But our efforts are not confined to television.

I am happy to announce

Arvin's longanisa cart has been officially certified by the city of Los Angeles.

-[all cheering] -Viva longanisa!

[Maria] And this is just the beginning.

Uh, we have so many more wonderful plans for the Pinoy people

which will all begin in earnest,

after a brief sabbatical just to get married next week.

-[all gasp] -[Arvin speaking Tagalog]

Maria's getting married!

[all cheering]

Oh, oh, so nice. I'm actually technically already married.

Uh, but I wanted to do another wedding, or my mother wanted to do another wedding.

So, same person I'm getting married to, but my parents,

uh, my mother, specifically, really wanted me to get married

with a giant group of people with friends and family.

And so, uh, after doubling my wedding, I will double my efforts

to assist the Filipino community in Los Angeles.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, oh, uh...

Miss Maria, I can't thank you enough for saving my business.

Oh, yeah, the smile on your face is thanks enough.

-My God. -[both chuckle]

-Miss Maria? -Yes.

How are you fixed for a wedding dress for the big day?

I already got one off preownedusedweddingdresses.mex.

Why don't you go see my wife Betina? She owns a bridal shop on Figueroa.

It would be a major basbas for Betina just having you in her store.

[stammering] Well, I think I would love it.

I'd love to look at dresses if that's... if you think it wouldn't be of any harm.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Quite the opposite!

Then it would be a great basbas for me and, uh,

basbas- ing for us both. [laughs]

[speaking Tagalog]

[both] Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you so much.

-[Arvin] You're welcome. -No, thank you.

[both speaking Tagalog]

[in English] Thank you. See you in two weeks. Thank you.

Oh, they hate me. They hate me so much.

[theme music playing]

[Maria] There's nothing more powerful than the guilt from a mother.

Honey, I'm having the time of my life.

I thought you would. [chuckles nervously]

Except maybe the guilt from letting down the entire Filipino community.

It is such an honor to have the great Maria Bamford here in our store.

Oh, thank you for having me.

I really love to support women-owned businesses.

See, isn't this fun?

Looking at dresses, enjoying coconut champagne.

It's so exciting.

Oh, thank you, Betina.

See, this is what you were missing out on.

This is why I pushed you for a second ceremony.

-And, Maria, look at this dress! -[Betina gasps and sighs]

Isn't it gorgeous? Try it on.

-Just try it on. -I don't know. I don't think so.

She has never liked beautiful things.

Oh, Maria, just try it on.

-It would honor the Filipino community. -And your mother.

I do... I do wanna honor the Filipino community.

Thank you so much. Thank you. [chuckles nervously]

-Oh, Betina, you are a wizard. -[chuckles]

Oh, how I could have used you during Maria's childhood.

It was like pulling teeth to get her to ever try on anything pretty.

One time at church she even wore a belted Vikings jersey.

She was basically a boy.

Well, I tell you something, Marilyn.

Your little boy has grown into quite a beautiful lady boy.

[Marilyn gasps] Oh, my God!

Look at you!

Oh, I love the girly Maria!

Is it good?

-Yes. -It's exquisite.

It is a Miss Chano original.

Miss Chano. Not bad.

-Oh. -[Betina] Oh, Miss Chano is the best.

-Mmm. -She is our hero.

-Oh. -Uh, next to you, Miss Maria.

-I'll take it! -[Marilyn exclaims]

-God, Betina, pinch me as hard as you can -[Betina] Yes! Oh!

...because my daughter has been replaced by a beautiful compliant changeling!

[cell phone ringing]

My iPhone 7 is ringing.

-Hello? Uh, yes, this is she. -[woman speaking indistinctly on phone]

-[woman continues indistinctly] -[gasps]

Oh, my God.

The Sportsmen's Lodge has been burned to the ground,

but the sushi place across the street is fine.

-[continues indistinctly] -Oh, my God!

Oh, I can't believe it!

Seven days before the wedding and we've lost our venue.

I knew this was too good to be true!

God is punishing me for finally having a feminine moment with my daughter.

Where are we gonna find a wedding venue on such short notice?

I have two words for you, Marilyn.

Galanga Hall.

[Maria] Wow.

So, as you can see, there's plenty of space for indoor fireworks,

stilt walkers, hybrid zoo beasts. Anything you like.

Well, here's the thing, Rodel. We're just having 150 guests.

Well, good news.

Galanga Hall can accommodate 2,500, huh?

Weddings are meant to be huge.

I mean, I guess I could invite people,

friends from the Filipino community center,

and then it would be a way to celebrate

some of the successes we've had at city hall. [chuckles]

Oh, blow me over! I mean... And this one never wanted a big wedding.

I know. I mean, I really would like the pomp

and the pageantry of an enormous Filipino wedding.

-Oh! I have a daughter! -[laughing]

I finally have a daughter! Oh, Betina, get in here!

-[all exclaiming] -[Marilyn] You adorable...

What about me, huh?

[all exclaiming]

-We're gonna have a wedding! -[Maria] Oh, my God!

[Maria] 1987, the year I finally got a real boyfriend.

Kevin and I were real, real serious.

We talked a lot about what we'd name our kids someday.

-Mmm, thanks for the gum, babe. -[both chuckle]

Can I get you some snacks from the snack table?

Yeah. How about a stack of Pringles, babe?

-You got it, birthday babe. -[both chuckle]

Great Grandma Jergins?

-Hi, Maria. -What are you doing here?

Well, I always come to Kevin's birthday party.

[chuckles] Why is that?

Well, that's what a great-grandmother does.

-But you're my great-grandmother. -That's right.

That's what it means to be cousins.

[sardonic sitcom music playing]

Oh, shit!

Why do I have so many hot cousins? Oh, shit!

I don't know why I have to sleep on the couch.

Just 'cause I stayed out too late with Gary?

If you're so into women's lib, why don't you sleep on the couch?

Equal pay, equal discomfort.

Well, you sure don't mind parking yourself there for six hours

on a Saturday watching your sports shows,

breaking wind to high heaven into the cushions.

No God-fearing lady would wanna sleep on that thing.

Is there a lady here?

Oh, my glasses must be dirty. I can't see her.

Well, you have earned yourself another night at the Broyhill Hilton!

Happily!

The couch is more comfortable than your cold embrace!

-I'll tell you that much. -Ugh.

Well, I did it again. I dated another cousin.

So that settles it.

I am not going to prom.

-[Joel grunting] -Maria, I am the chaperone coordinator,

you are my daughter,

and you are going to prom.

Why didn't anyone tell me that Kevin Snemis was my cousin?

Oh, have you been dating him?

-[groans] -Oh, sweetie...

My cousins Todd and Tina, that's their son.

And Todd and Tina are cousins, so...

-[groans softly] -But I'm sorry, honey. To be honest,

I didn't even notice because I'm having a really rough time

-with your father. -[grunting]

I have macked down with two of my cousins,

and I will not go to prom with another cousin.

-Oh, Maria. -Just find another date.

[scoffs] Yeah, in three days?

When everyone's already coupled up? Yeah, right.

Well, I'll take you to prom, bean.

Yeah, Dad. I'll just go from my cousin to my dad, an even closer relation.

I'll go from being a loser to being a perv.

I am not going to prom and that is that!

Eh...

I guess we'll just have to give the Frolic Queen crown to someone else.

I'm the winter Frolic Queen?

Well, I didn't say you won, Maria.

But I also didn't say you didn't win. Wink-wink.

What are you saying?

Nothing. Wink-wink-wink.

I mean, it's fine.

If the winner doesn't show up to get the crown,

the runner-up can always receive it.

Which may or may not be Susan.

Wink-wink. Wink-wink.

I finally get to beat Susan at something?

I didn't say that. Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.

Fuck. Fine, I'll go.

Whoa with the language!

-That's a major honkin' whoa, missy! -[Joel scoffs]

She gets that filth mouth from your side of the family, I'll tell you that.

-[indistinct chatter] -[upbeat '80s music playing]

So, babe, you, uh...

you want to go for a quick finger frolic under the bleachers

before the Frolic Queen's announced? I washed my finger finger.

Kevin, no! We're cousins!

If you don't want to finger bang, just say, "I don't want to finger bang."

I don't want to finger bang!

-[music stops] -[all gasp]

Oh, my God.

Uh, may I have everyone's attention please?

Hello, juniors and seniors of Walter Mondale High School!

Hope you're having a perf time at your prom.

I'm Marilyn Bamford, the executive prom chaperone coordinator,

and very proud mom of one of your Frolic Queen nominees,

not saying who.

Oh, what the heck, Maria Bamford.

[students laugh]

Now the moment has arrived that you've all been waiting for.

It is time to announce the winner of this year's Frolic Queen.

Will the Frolic Court... please take your places?

Aren't they gorgeous?

I wonder who's gonna win? [chuckles]

I don't know. It could be anyone.

Like me! When I win, don't touch my hair.

Because I spent $40 at Snips-n-Such.

I don't think you're gonna have to worry about it.

[Marilyn] And the winner is...

Courtney DeRobertas!

[yells] What?

Are you kidding me?

It'll be fine, Maria. Congratulations, Courtney.

And to honor the winner, we have a member of her Frolic Court,

my daughter, Maria Bamford, who will join us on stage and regale us

with a violin rendition...

-[all gasp] -...of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"

by The Charlie Daniels Band.

I don't even have my violin, Mom!

-I have it right here. Ready to go. -[all gasp]

Dad!

[shakily] This is so royally screwed,

there isn't even a word to describe how royally screwed it is.

-I am not gonna play that goddamn violin! -[gasps]

This was a classic bait and switch situation,

and I am my own person. I am not going to be her hand puppet.

I'll take care of this, bean.

Well, not on... not on stage, Dad!

Hello, everybody. Joel Bamford here. Maria's father.

[all gasp]

Maria will not be playing violin and that's final.

Yes, she will, Joel. Maria, come on up here.

What is wrong with you? Lying to your own daughter

just to get her to come to the prom?

The poor thing's still reeling

from the fact that she's dating her own cousin, for Christ's sake!

-[all groan] -[student] Nice, Kevin!

You are making a fool of yourself, Joel.

-Get off the stage. -[scoffs] No.

I'm sick and tired of the way you walk all over Maria

the same way you walk all over me.

I'm going to Georgia, and I don't know when I'll come back!

-[feedback] -Maybe never.

[all gasp]

He'll be back.

Maria, come on up here.

Come on, Maria.

-[indistinct whispering] -[Susan scoffs]

[Maria] Congratulations, Courtney.

[breathing heavily]

I hope you're happy. Your father left us.

Now take this damn violin and play your heart out.

Could be your last chance to be happy.

[breathes deeply]

[students murmuring]

-[student 2] She's gonna play. -[suspenseful music playing]

[playing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" sadly]

[students murmuring]

I'm so ashamed.

[Maria] So you can see why I have some issues about planning

big events with my mother.

Luckily, I had the support of the Filipino community.

Maria, isn't it weird that our wedding venue burned down to the ground?

[typing]

-Do you think that's a bad omen? -Okay. Hold that thought.

I am just sending the e-mail blast to our Filipino friends

to invite them to the wedding. And send.

In answer to your question,

what you say is a bad omen could be a Pinoy cloud with a silver lining.

-What? -Galanga Hall is a superior venue.

Everything about our second wedding is gonna be first-rate.

Okay. That's awesome.

[inhales deeply] I'm just concerned that things might be getting a little too big.

Can a wedding get too big?

Yeah, I think the answer to that is an absolute yes.

Okay.

Besides, I thought we were only doing this to make your mom happy.

We were. But then, we started changing lives.

We started making other people happy.

Betina, Arvin, Rodel, Rodel's cousin Rodel.

Rodel's cousin's uncle Rodel. And that's just to name a few.

-[cell phone ringing] -Oh.

It's Danilo. I've gotta get this.

Danilo. Hey, what's good?

[gasps] We got the hip-hop yo-yo dance crew?

Oh, my God.

I think they could go before the stilt walkers. Or concurrently.

I mean, I love a spectacle. What do I think about fire?

I think we should incorporate it in every part of the ceremony.

It's a real thematic nod to what happened to us at the Sportsmen's Lodge.

Yeah. Paalam, my guy. Bye, bye, Danilo. Bye. [giggles]

Oh, my God! Danilo is just overflowing with ideas.

Who is Danilo?

Rodel's nephew. Betina's sister's boy.

He runs Galanga Hall, the entertainment portion.

I was concerned he wasn't gonna be able to get the hip-hop yo-yo dance crew.

But then he said, "I pulled some strings."

[laughs] Well, it means the, uh...

Ah, it's really funny.

English is his second language, so it was really, I thought...

You know what? Just be careful.

Sometimes when you get stressed, you throw yourself into a cause.

-It's a cause for celebration! Okay? -Okay.

Now, may I please have your cane size?

I don't want a cane.

Okay, I'm just gonna measure you in your sleep.

No canes.

[birds chirping]

-[dance music playing] -[people cheering]

-[Rodel] Forget the bananas... -Betina?

-Yeah. Release the monkeys, too! -[monkeys chittering]

[Betina] Maria, I'm coming!

-Betina! Hi. -Oh! You look beautiful.

You think this wig is okay?

Maria, you look like a white Imelda Marcos.

-[chuckles] Oh. Oh. -Maria, Maria.

I have something for you.

My mother gave this to me on my wedding day,

and her mother gave it to her.

[sighs] Oh...

-It's a handkerchief. -Oh, Mom.

It's just a small token of my love

that's been passed down through the generations.

I hope it ends up meaning as much to you as it has to all of us.

-Thank you so much, Mom. -You're welcome.

We lost it for just a bit during the Civil War,

but then it miraculously showed up in an abandoned cannon in Fort Sumter.

-Who knows how it got there. -[chuckles]

Anyway, sweetie, I was kind of wondering about the madhouse going on here.

I mean, there are bicycle riders and stilt walkers and a petting zoo?

What is this all about?

A guy in a turban tried to guess my weight.

-He was spot on. -[sighs] I know. Me, too.

But nevertheless, it's not exactly like a wedding.

It's a little bit more like a Mad Max movie without the dust.

Do you really want this?

I don't... I'm not... I don't know. I'm not...

I almost forgot.

-I have something for you, too, Maria. -Oh.

It's a Hahamogna dual action sports watch,

platinum edition, with the water resistance to 50 meter.

-That is gorgeous. -[chuckles] This is crazy.

You should go take your seat so you won't miss the stilt walkers.

No, I have to talk to--

-Oh, you don't want to miss stilt walkers. -[Marilyn] All right.

Maria, when Rodel gives you his cue, Arvin will walk you down the aisle.

[speaking Tagalog]

It would mean the world to me and the Filipino communities.

-Okay. -Hey, bean, ready to do this?

-Oh! Dad, this is Arvin. I... -Oh, congratulations.

-Thank you. -I saved his sausage cart and so,

uh, he'd like to walk me down the aisle. It would be a big honor.

This was gonna be a big honor for me, too, bean. I'm your father.

-Yes. -You ready, Miss Maria?

You know what? I think my father should walk me down the aisle.

Uh, too late. The T-shirt cannon started firing already.

-Okay, cue the doors, please. -[Joel] Oh.

-It's go time. Go time, let's go. -Come on, come on.

-[dance music playing] -[all cheering]

What the fuck?

[motorcycle engine revving]

[inaudible]

-Come. Come. Come. -[woman] Maria!

[Rodel] Wow!

Yes, keep going!

[cheering continues]

Okay. Go, go, go, go. Watch out for the motorcycles!

Whoa!

-[Arvin exclaims] -[Maria breathing shakily] Okay.

Where is Scott?

Uh, he's gone, my sweet queen.

-[bike crashing] -[all groan]

Oh, shit! Oh. [panting]

Scott? Scott?

[groaning]

My beloved? Where's my beloved?

Oh, are you kidding me?

[groans]

-Did I hear someone say "me"? -Oh, God. Karen Grisham?

I was just jilling off to Toy Story in my self-driving Tesla.

Uh... Oh!

-Get in. -No. I can't.

I gotta find Scott. He took off.

Get in. We'll find him. My fucking Tesla has a tracking algorithm.

Really? Thank you! Thank you, Karen Grisham.

[chuckles] Uh...

-Take your fucking wings off! -Oh, okay.

[grunting]

[chuckles] They're beautiful, right? They have all the saints on them.

Thank you so much for trying to find Scott with me. [pants]

Of course. We just need to swing by the office first.

-Tesla. Office. -[car beeps]

[groans] Shit!

[inhales deeply]

Are you sensing my aura?

It's quite different now, don't you think?

How long is this gonna be taking? 'Cause I have...

I want us to work together again, Maria.

So what do you say, Maria? Let's change the fucking world.

-[Tucker whines] -I ask you

to don the most sacred lady blazer.

[blazer growls]

Oh...

How about it, Maria? Are you ready to lady blaze?

[Don Jr.] Your series idea has been approved.

[Maria] Wait a minute. This has happened before.

Or it happened already and I'm catching up to it.

It's all about the blazer. But what does the blazer mean?

Is this what happens if I don't take care of myself?

Oh, fuck! I don't wanna go back to the future!

[in fancy voice] One. Two. Three!

Ooh! Thanks a bunch, Tristan. [chuckles]

Where's my beloved Scott? Ooh!

-[chuckles] Hi, you! -[laughs] Hey! Hey!

-Great premiere, Maria. Solid blazer work. -[blazer growls]

Which means it's time for you to release Ranlith the Hive Queen.

-[gasps] -The elevator over there

will take you to the center of the Earth.

[exclaims] Weird Al Yankovic, you're a member of the Hollywood Ladies Club?

Oh, yeah. Jill Soloway is a huge fan of UHF.

She called it a post-Lacanian proto-feminist manifesto for our times.

[babbles and chuckles]

Plus guys really like to pleasure themselves to it on their iPads.

I need to give that a re-watch. [cackles]

-Oh, thanks, Brie. -Yeah.

Brie! Brie!

-Here. -[gasps]

-Take this broadsword. -Yes. Yes.

When in doubt, use your boobies.

-Ooh! -You know, just like in life.

Life! [laughing]

Uh...

I was gonna tell you something else. I can't remember.

-Oh, oh. What was it? -There was something...

Oh! Oh, yeah, uh, Bruce Ben-Bacharach is dead.

[squeals] Oh, no! Heavens, no! Did I eat him?

-[laughs] No. No. No! -[chuckles]

Andy Samberg cut his throat and gutted him like a pig.

-[gasps] -[chuckles]

[grunts]

-And now Andy's missing. -Oh, no. Did I eat him?

I don't know. Did you?

I do feel full! [groans]

Okay! Enough chitchat. Go, save the universe!

Lordy! The stakes have never been higher!

I must go... [gasps]

Maria, where are you going?

Scott, I'm going to the center of the Earth

to free Ranlith the Hive Queen in order to save the Earth from eternal darkness.

Tell everyone I have diarrhea.

-You're not taking care of yourself. -[groans]

I think the pressures of the show are finally getting to you.

Scott, no. No, you don't understand, baby bear. You don't understand.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

It's destroying you and that's destroying me.

[sighs] You have to make a decision.

No.

Either you're gonna start taking care of yourself...

-[grunts] -...or I have to detach myself with love.

Detach myself with love. Detach myself with love.

Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry.

But I must do this. I must save the world.

[breathing rapidly]

I will always love you!

-What? -I'll love you forever.

-I have to save the Hive Queen. [grunts] -[elevator bell dings]

[squeals]

[grunting]

When in doubt, use your boobies.

[chuckles]

[suctioning]

[giggles] Oh, that's not it.

"Place the chosen tongue here."

Wild!

[elevator chimes]

Whoa!

It seems like we're going down.

Crust! Mantle!

Core! Right to the lava!

Thanks, Miss Perry, fifth grade science.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Don't stop! I don't wanna get off!

-Whoa! -[elevator bell dings]

Oh! I'm here to help! I love to help!

Let me help! I can help you!

Oh!

"Chosen tongue here."

What kind of freaky creep built this crazy, mixed-up jumble of jambalaya?

Sure, I will.

-[machine chiming] -[lisping] Ranlith, I free thee.

-[hatch unlocks] -Ooh. [chuckles]

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Hive Queen.

I bow to thee. And I ask you to save us all.

-You... -[chuckles]

Oh! Yes?

-...giant-tittied idiot. -Ooh!

You magnificently mammaried moron!

You busty, brainless fuck!

[chuckles] You're starting to hurt my feelings, Hive Queen.

The Hollywood Ladies Club, they tricked you.

[chuckles]

I am not here to save the world. Nay, I am here to destroy it!

[thunder rumbling]

-Oh. [chuckles] -I work for Don Jr.

Oh, Don Jr.? [chuckles]

That's the computer that greenlit mein show?

Don Jr. is the computer who greenlit all life!

We are but programs in Don Jr.'s simulation.

-Ooh. -Humans no longer amuse Don Jr.

He wants to delete the program. And I am the delete key!

Control-alt! [laughs]

[distorted voice] You!

You were so willing to sell out your integrity and your honor,

that you almost made all of us laugh a lot.

Oh. [chuckles]

You were such an easy mark, Maria.

Because your ego so wanted you to be the chosen one!

I did! I wanted to save the world! [babbles]

Once I reach Don Jr.,

I will be one with the singularity!

Not if I have anything to say about it.

Because of your arrogance and your pride...

-all humanity is doomed! -[thunder rumbling]

[voices screaming]

[gasps]

Don! I have to get to Don Jr. first.

-[elevator bell dings] -Don Jr.! Where are you hiding?

[Don Jr. through speakers] You'll never find me, Maria.

I feel like I'm in Gwyneth Paltrow's intestines!

No polyps here. Ten thousand steps.

Ten thousand is the number that is chosen by the Japanese health industry,

arbitrarily, because it's auspicious. Back to the plot!

[exclaims] Don Jr.! Show me a sign!

[squeals]

-Found ya! -[buzzing]

[gasps] Oh, no! The Hive Queen is inside of Don Jr.

-Unplug! -[Don Jr. powers down]

[Don Jr. powers up]

[gasps] What are you doing? Oh, no!

[Don Jr.] It's over, Maria. I'm omnipotent and cannot be unplugged.

And thanks to you, I now have the delete key for humanity.

AKA Ranlith the Hive Queen.

Aw! [laughs]

[whirring]

-Ooh, what are you doing? -[Don Jr.] I'm scanning you, of course.

That is, right before I delete you.

You're a heck of a streaming TV star and I'll want you for the next simulation.

No, Don Jr., I resist!

Resistance is futile, Maria. There's nothing sane left to do.

Then I guess I'll just have to go...

crazy.

[disco music playing]

[Don Jr.] Maria?

What are you doing?

Maria...

Be all you can be!

The slow and inevitable decay of my body, mind and spirit.

Nothing is impossible!

-Pugs! -Pugs!

[Don Jr.] My rational computer mind cannot resolve two chemically polarized halves!

Poor vicious planet!

Sarah Wright. Please resolve!

Meat salad. Please resolve. Please resolve. Please resolve.

Please, please, please, please.

[breathing shakily]

So what do you say, Maria? Are you ready to lady blaze?

No!

I will not lose my mind over a dumb TV show! I've got integrity!

Like the greater Los Angeles Filipino community.

You'll regret this, Maria.

I will not regret this because I've seen the future in my head.

-And it is bad! -[cell phone chimes]

Oh! Scott returned to Galanga Hall!

Thanks, Rodel.

I gotta jet.

[indistinct chatter]

-[man] Oh, there's Maria. -[woman 1] There she is.

-[woman 2] Maria! -Oh!

[all] Hi, Maria! You look beautiful.

[laughing] I can't believe it!

[all] Do we get a line in your show?

I'm so sorry, my real life friends. We can't afford it.

[all] What if we say our lines at the same time,

so we're paid as background only?

That's a very smart idea. But I... We still can't. I'm so sorry.

Uh, you know what? I've gotta go find my beloved, though.

Where is my... There he is! I see him!

There he is! Scott. [panting]

Scott, I'm so sorry.

Look, I know it was harsh to leave, but you've always said

when someone behaves in a way where they can't see what they're doing

and it starts to hurt you,

it's best to remove yourself with love, and that's what I did.

I do always say that.

And you do, too.

Say what?

I don't know.

The thing is, I didn't realize that I would be so bothered

by my mom taking over our second wedding.

So I threw myself into a cause, which I still very much believe in.

The Filipino community is one of the most resilient and joyful.

But I got addicted to their love. Their love was like a drug.

Me being their heroine was like heroin. Do you see how I used that?

-Wordplay. -Thank you.

You know, Scott, even though I'm on five different kinds of mood-altering meds,

I will be struggling with mental illness for the rest of my life,

which means you will be struggling with mental illness.

-I don't care about that. -Oh...

Because I love you...

-and I'm gonna help you through that. -Oh.

But there's one thing I know you're not gonna have to struggle with.

Hmm?

And that's eating this mango peach pie from the good people at Jollibee.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Mango peach pie is my favorite.

I love you so much. I love you.

[muffled] Thank you.

-[goat bleats] -Oh!

A goat? [gasps]

I can't believe it. This is the tableau of my dream wedding.

A boat. A goat. Fast food.

This is my dream wedding from Miss Cookie Wolf's marriage and family class, 1987.

It's my something old.

Holy shit. And to think I almost went to Taco Bell.

There's nothing around here except for Jollibee.

[sighs] Scott, do you believe in fate?

-No, I don't. -I don't at all.

[both laugh]

But it's a crazy coincidence.

I mean, what are the odds that a goat would jump in a boat?

When you have a poorly supervised petting zoo right next to fireworks,

you might get a runaway goat.

-That's true. -[goat bleats]

I got my dream wedding. What's your dream wedding, Scott Marvel Cassidy?

What do you want? Rodel can make it happen.

There is one thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Scott and Maria

Marvel Herbert Walker Cassidy Bamford, no hyphen!

-["That's Entertainment" playing] -[guests cheering]

♪ A police car and a screaming siren ♪

♪ A pneumatic drill And ripped up concrete ♪

♪ A baby wailing and stray dog howling ♪

♪ The screech of brakes And lamp light blinking ♪

♪ That's entertainment ♪

-♪ That's entertainment ♪ -[all cheering]

I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad! I put the Filipino community first.

-I can see why with lechon like this. -[both chuckle]

Honey, this is a hoot!

All of my friends from Duluth say I've planned

the best wedding they've ever been to in their lives.

And that's all I really wanted.

[laughs] Oh, good. I'm still finding out who I am,

and I either push people away

or I do everything that people say and lose myself,

and I'm trying to find a balance.

Sweetie, we're all still trying to figure it out. You more than most.

Oh! Thanks, Mom. I'm so sorry!

Oh, honey, you never have to apologize to your mother,

and I never have to apologize to you!

Now go dance with Scott.

Two hot dogs are so cute, but one is kinda sad.

Okay. Okay. [squeals] Ooh.

[Marilyn] Whoo!

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ That's entertainment ♪

[theme music playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0