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1
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:11,386
I just wanted to thank everyone here
in the Los Angeles Filipino community
2
00:00:11,469 --> 00:00:13,680
for welcoming me so warmly,
3
00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:17,267
especially after I so egregiously wronged
your children.
4
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,560
[groaning]
5
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:19,811
Thank you.
6
00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:23,148
And we've made tremendous strides
lo these many weeks
7
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:27,319
shutting down many child-based
endurance television shows
8
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:30,697
that my company regretfully produced
without my knowledge, such as,
9
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,575
of course, Kids Have to Dance! It's gone.
10
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,370
The horrifying
Can You Beat Up a Fifth Grader?
11
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:38,621
-[audience groaning]
-You can.
12
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,542
Celebrity Child Dig-A-Hole.
13
00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:43,793
[all groaning]
14
00:00:43,876 --> 00:00:47,505
Who Wants to Manufacture an iPhone?
Tiny Hands Edition.
15
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:50,758
-[all groaning]
-And one of the most despicable programs
16
00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,260
I have seen, which is...
17
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:54,887
-Shark Tank.
-[audience murmuring]
18
00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:58,225
But our efforts
are not confined to television.
19
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,642
I am happy to announce
20
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:04,522
Arvin's longanisa cart has been officially
certified by the city of Los Angeles.
21
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,692
-[all cheering]
-Viva longanisa!
22
00:01:07,775 --> 00:01:08,985
[Maria] And this is just the beginning.
23
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:12,114
Uh, we have so many more wonderful plans
for the Pinoy people
24
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,656
which will all begin in earnest,
25
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:17,034
after a brief sabbatical
just to get married next week.
26
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,203
-[all gasp]
-[Arvin speaking Tagalog]
27
00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:20,788
Maria's getting married!
28
00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:22,124
[all cheering]
29
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:25,335
Oh, oh, so nice.
I'm actually technically already married.
30
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:29,046
Uh, but I wanted to do another wedding,
or my mother wanted to do another wedding.
31
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:31,841
So, same person I'm getting married to,
but my parents,
32
00:01:31,924 --> 00:01:34,844
uh, my mother, specifically,
really wanted me to get married
33
00:01:34,927 --> 00:01:36,721
with a giant group of people
with friends and family.
34
00:01:36,804 --> 00:01:41,309
And so, uh, after doubling my wedding,
I will double my efforts
35
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:44,437
to assist the Filipino community
in Los Angeles.
36
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,231
Thank you. Thank you so much.
37
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,027
Oh, oh, uh...
38
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:54,781
Miss Maria, I can't thank you enough
for saving my business.
39
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,783
Oh, yeah, the smile on your face
is thanks enough.
40
00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:57,825
-My God.
-[both chuckle]
41
00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,119
-Miss Maria?
-Yes.
42
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,288
How are you fixed for a wedding dress
for the big day?
43
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:04,207
I already got one off
preownedusedweddingdresses.mex.
44
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:10,588
Why don't you go see my wife Betina?
She owns a bridal shop on Figueroa.
45
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:14,842
It would be a major basbas for Betina
just having you in her store.
46
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:16,469
[stammering]
Well, I think I would love it.
47
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:20,265
I'd love to look at dresses if that's...
if you think it wouldn't be of any harm.
48
00:02:20,348 --> 00:02:22,267
Oh, no, no, no, no. Quite the opposite!
49
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:24,519
Then it would be a great basbas
for me and, uh,
50
00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:26,688
basbas- ing for us both. [laughs]
51
00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:28,231
[speaking Tagalog]
52
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,318
[both] Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you so much.
53
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:33,069
-[Arvin] You're welcome.
-No, thank you.
54
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,238
[both speaking Tagalog]
55
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,365
[in English] Thank you.
See you in two weeks. Thank you.
56
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,409
Oh, they hate me.
They hate me so much.
57
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:41,411
[theme music playing]
58
00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:57,844
[Maria] There's nothing more powerful
than the guilt from a mother.
59
00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:01,097
Honey, I'm having the time of my life.
60
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:02,682
I thought you would. [chuckles nervously]
61
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:06,102
Except maybe the guilt from letting down
the entire Filipino community.
62
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:10,106
It is such an honor to have the great
Maria Bamford here in our store.
63
00:03:10,189 --> 00:03:12,149
Oh, thank you for having me.
64
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,236
I really love to support
women-owned businesses.
65
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,238
See, isn't this fun?
66
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:19,532
Looking at dresses,
enjoying coconut champagne.
67
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,409
It's so exciting.
68
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:23,453
Oh, thank you, Betina.
69
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:26,205
See, this is what you were missing out on.
70
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:29,542
This is why I pushed you
for a second ceremony.
71
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,003
-And, Maria, look at this dress!
-[Betina gasps and sighs]
72
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,880
Isn't it gorgeous? Try it on.
73
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:36,258
-Just try it on.
-I don't know. I don't think so.
74
00:03:36,966 --> 00:03:39,469
She has never liked beautiful things.
75
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,513
Oh, Maria, just try it on.
76
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:44,849
-It would honor the Filipino community.
-And your mother.
77
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,852
I do... I do wanna honor
the Filipino community.
78
00:03:47,935 --> 00:03:50,813
Thank you so much.
Thank you. [chuckles nervously]
79
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:54,150
-Oh, Betina, you are a wizard.
-[chuckles]
80
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,986
Oh, how I could have used you
during Maria's childhood.
81
00:03:57,069 --> 00:04:00,740
It was like pulling teeth to get her
to ever try on anything pretty.
82
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:04,076
One time at church she even wore
a belted Vikings jersey.
83
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,829
She was basically a boy.
84
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,915
Well, I tell you something, Marilyn.
85
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:13,878
Your little boy has grown into
quite a beautiful lady boy.
86
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:18,090
[Marilyn gasps] Oh, my God!
87
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,801
Look at you!
88
00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:22,429
Oh, I love the girly Maria!
89
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:23,846
Is it good?
90
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,598
-Yes.
-It's exquisite.
91
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,726
It is a Miss Chano original.
92
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,187
Miss Chano. Not bad.
93
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,022
-Oh.
-[Betina] Oh, Miss Chano is the best.
94
00:04:33,105 --> 00:04:35,317
-Mmm.
-She is our hero.
95
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,360
-Oh.
-Uh, next to you, Miss Maria.
96
00:04:38,235 --> 00:04:39,779
-I'll take it!
-[Marilyn exclaims]
97
00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:42,449
-God, Betina, pinch me as hard as you can
-[Betina] Yes! Oh!
98
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:47,412
...because my daughter has been replaced
by a beautiful compliant changeling!
99
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:48,705
[cell phone ringing]
100
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,540
My iPhone 7 is ringing.
101
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,794
-Hello? Uh, yes, this is she.
-[woman speaking indistinctly on phone]
102
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:57,213
-[woman continues indistinctly]
-[gasps]
103
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,840
Oh, my God.
104
00:04:58,923 --> 00:05:01,301
The Sportsmen's Lodge has been burned
to the ground,
105
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,845
but the sushi place
across the street is fine.
106
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:05,430
-[continues indistinctly]
-Oh, my God!
107
00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:08,224
Oh, I can't believe it!
108
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,603
Seven days before the wedding
and we've lost our venue.
109
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,980
I knew this was too good to be true!
110
00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:17,650
God is punishing me for finally having
a feminine moment with my daughter.
111
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,862
Where are we gonna find a wedding venue
on such short notice?
112
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,323
I have two words for you, Marilyn.
113
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,408
Galanga Hall.
114
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:28,202
[Maria] Wow.
115
00:05:28,285 --> 00:05:32,123
So, as you can see, there's plenty
of space for indoor fireworks,
116
00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:36,378
stilt walkers, hybrid zoo beasts.
Anything you like.
117
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,963
Well, here's the thing, Rodel.
We're just having 150 guests.
118
00:05:39,046 --> 00:05:40,047
Well, good news.
119
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:43,050
Galanga Hall can accommodate 2,500, huh?
120
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,928
Weddings are meant to be huge.
121
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:48,473
I mean, I guess I could invite people,
122
00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,850
friends from the Filipino
community center,
123
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:52,644
and then it would be a way to celebrate
124
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,604
some of the successes
we've had at city hall. [chuckles]
125
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,649
Oh, blow me over! I mean...
And this one never wanted a big wedding.
126
00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:01,110
I know. I mean,
I really would like the pomp
127
00:06:01,193 --> 00:06:04,489
and the pageantry of an enormous
Filipino wedding.
128
00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:07,366
-Oh! I have a daughter!
-[laughing]
129
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,453
I finally have a daughter!
Oh, Betina, get in here!
130
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,039
-[all exclaiming]
-[Marilyn] You adorable...
131
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:14,248
What about me, huh?
132
00:06:14,331 --> 00:06:16,543
[all exclaiming]
133
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,336
-We're gonna have a wedding!
-[Maria] Oh, my God!
134
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:23,174
[Maria] 1987, the year I finally got
a real boyfriend.
135
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:25,635
Kevin and I were real, real serious.
136
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:28,596
We talked a lot about
what we'd name our kids someday.
137
00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:32,767
-Mmm, thanks for the gum, babe.
-[both chuckle]
138
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,728
Can I get you some snacks
from the snack table?
139
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,689
Yeah. How about a stack of Pringles, babe?
140
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:40,024
-You got it, birthday babe.
-[both chuckle]
141
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:44,987
Great Grandma Jergins?
142
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,699
-Hi, Maria.
-What are you doing here?
143
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,242
Well, I always come
to Kevin's birthday party.
144
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:52,244
[chuckles] Why is that?
145
00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:54,706
Well, that's what
a great-grandmother does.
146
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:57,083
-But you're my great-grandmother.
-That's right.
147
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,168
That's what it means to be cousins.
148
00:06:59,251 --> 00:07:02,296
[sardonic sitcom music playing]
149
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,466
Oh, shit!
150
00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:09,303
Why do I have so many hot cousins?
Oh, shit!
151
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,640
I don't know why I have to sleep
on the couch.
152
00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:14,851
Just 'cause I stayed out
too late with Gary?
153
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,479
If you're so into women's lib,
why don't you sleep on the couch?
154
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:19,146
Equal pay, equal discomfort.
155
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:22,191
Well, you sure don't mind
parking yourself there for six hours
156
00:07:22,274 --> 00:07:24,569
on a Saturday watching your sports shows,
157
00:07:24,652 --> 00:07:27,321
breaking wind to high heaven
into the cushions.
158
00:07:27,404 --> 00:07:30,116
No God-fearing lady
would wanna sleep on that thing.
159
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:31,408
Is there a lady here?
160
00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,661
Oh, my glasses must be dirty.
I can't see her.
161
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:37,790
Well, you have earned yourself
another night at the Broyhill Hilton!
162
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,333
Happily!
163
00:07:39,416 --> 00:07:41,919
The couch is more comfortable
than your cold embrace!
164
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:43,713
-I'll tell you that much.
-Ugh.
165
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:48,926
Well, I did it again.
I dated another cousin.
166
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,678
So that settles it.
167
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,014
I am not going to prom.
168
00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:56,142
-[Joel grunting]
-Maria, I am the chaperone coordinator,
169
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:57,769
you are my daughter,
170
00:07:57,852 --> 00:08:00,354
and you are going to prom.
171
00:08:00,437 --> 00:08:03,232
Why didn't anyone tell me
that Kevin Snemis was my cousin?
172
00:08:03,315 --> 00:08:04,776
Oh, have you been dating him?
173
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,402
-[groans]
-Oh, sweetie...
174
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,988
My cousins Todd and Tina,
that's their son.
175
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,032
And Todd and Tina are cousins, so...
176
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,284
-[groans softly]
-But I'm sorry, honey. To be honest,
177
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:17,163
I didn't even notice
because I'm having a really rough time
178
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,248
-with your father.
-[grunting]
179
00:08:19,331 --> 00:08:22,502
I have macked down with two of my cousins,
180
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,797
and I will not go to prom
with another cousin.
181
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,550
-Oh, Maria.
-Just find another date.
182
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,302
[scoffs] Yeah, in three days?
183
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:34,471
When everyone's already coupled up?
Yeah, right.
184
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,224
Well, I'll take you to prom, bean.
185
00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:41,729
Yeah, Dad. I'll just go from my cousin
to my dad, an even closer relation.
186
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,898
I'll go from being a loser
to being a perv.
187
00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:48,194
I am not going to prom and that is that!
188
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:49,195
Eh...
189
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:54,701
I guess we'll just have to give
the Frolic Queen crown to someone else.
190
00:08:56,493 --> 00:08:57,870
I'm the winter Frolic Queen?
191
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,288
Well, I didn't say you won, Maria.
192
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:03,751
But I also didn't say you didn't win.
Wink-wink.
193
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:04,711
What are you saying?
194
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,964
Nothing. Wink-wink-wink.
195
00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:09,924
I mean, it's fine.
196
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:12,343
If the winner doesn't show up
to get the crown,
197
00:09:12,426 --> 00:09:14,637
the runner-up can always receive it.
198
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,263
Which may or may not be Susan.
199
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,099
Wink-wink. Wink-wink.
200
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:20,643
I finally get to beat Susan at something?
201
00:09:21,518 --> 00:09:24,981
I didn't say that.
Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.
202
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,691
Fuck. Fine, I'll go.
203
00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:28,400
Whoa with the language!
204
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:31,320
-That's a major honkin' whoa, missy!
-[Joel scoffs]
205
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,407
She gets that filth mouth from your side
of the family, I'll tell you that.
206
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,037
-[indistinct chatter]
-[upbeat '80s music playing]
207
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,712
So, babe, you, uh...
208
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:49,589
you want to go for a quick
finger frolic under the bleachers
209
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:52,258
before the Frolic Queen's announced?
I washed my finger finger.
210
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,677
Kevin, no! We're cousins!
211
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,388
If you don't want to finger bang,
just say, "I don't want to finger bang."
212
00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,140
I don't want to finger bang!
213
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:00,516
-[music stops]
-[all gasp]
214
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,894
Oh, my God.
215
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:06,648
Uh, may I have
everyone's attention please?
216
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:11,944
Hello, juniors and seniors
of Walter Mondale High School!
217
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,488
Hope you're having a perf time
at your prom.
218
00:10:14,571 --> 00:10:19,160
I'm Marilyn Bamford,
the executive prom chaperone coordinator,
219
00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:22,747
and very proud mom
of one of your Frolic Queen nominees,
220
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:24,498
not saying who.
221
00:10:24,581 --> 00:10:26,709
Oh, what the heck, Maria Bamford.
222
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:27,627
[students laugh]
223
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:31,923
Now the moment has arrived
that you've all been waiting for.
224
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:37,344
It is time to announce the winner
of this year's Frolic Queen.
225
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:40,682
Will the Frolic Court...
please take your places?
226
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,976
Aren't they gorgeous?
227
00:10:46,353 --> 00:10:48,230
I wonder who's gonna win? [chuckles]
228
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,899
I don't know. It could be anyone.
229
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:53,069
Like me! When I win, don't touch my hair.
230
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,655
Because I spent $40 at Snips-n-Such.
231
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,990
I don't think
you're gonna have to worry about it.
232
00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,784
[Marilyn] And the winner is...
233
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:02,829
Courtney DeRobertas!
234
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,330
[yells] What?
235
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,834
Are you kidding me?
236
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:11,295
It'll be fine, Maria.
Congratulations, Courtney.
237
00:11:11,378 --> 00:11:15,257
And to honor the winner,
we have a member of her Frolic Court,
238
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:20,096
my daughter, Maria Bamford,
who will join us on stage and regale us
239
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,889
with a violin rendition...
240
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,433
-[all gasp]
-...of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"
241
00:11:24,516 --> 00:11:26,560
by The Charlie Daniels Band.
242
00:11:26,643 --> 00:11:28,395
I don't even have my violin, Mom!
243
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:31,190
-I have it right here. Ready to go.
-[all gasp]
244
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,900
Dad!
245
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:35,444
[shakily] This is so royally screwed,
246
00:11:35,527 --> 00:11:39,448
there isn't even a word to describe
how royally screwed it is.
247
00:11:39,531 --> 00:11:43,035
-I am not gonna play that goddamn violin!
-[gasps]
248
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:46,330
This was a classic
bait and switch situation,
249
00:11:46,413 --> 00:11:51,919
and I am my own person.
I am not going to be her hand puppet.
250
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,545
I'll take care of this, bean.
251
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:56,090
Well, not on... not on stage, Dad!
252
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:01,678
Hello, everybody.
Joel Bamford here. Maria's father.
253
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:02,847
[all gasp]
254
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:05,516
Maria will not be playing violin
and that's final.
255
00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:08,185
Yes, she will, Joel.
Maria, come on up here.
256
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,854
What is wrong with you?
Lying to your own daughter
257
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:11,397
just to get her to come to the prom?
258
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,232
The poor thing's still reeling
259
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:15,860
from the fact that she's dating
her own cousin, for Christ's sake!
260
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,694
-[all groan]
-[student] Nice, Kevin!
261
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,864
You are making a fool of yourself, Joel.
262
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,240
-Get off the stage.
-[scoffs] No.
263
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:24,160
I'm sick and tired of the way
you walk all over Maria
264
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,912
the same way you walk all over me.
265
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:29,456
I'm going to Georgia, and I don't know
when I'll come back!
266
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,250
-[feedback]
-Maybe never.
267
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,334
[all gasp]
268
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,172
He'll be back.
269
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,965
Maria, come on up here.
270
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,051
Come on, Maria.
271
00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:42,094
-[indistinct whispering]
-[Susan scoffs]
272
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:46,808
[Maria] Congratulations, Courtney.
273
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,061
[breathing heavily]
274
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:53,230
I hope you're happy. Your father left us.
275
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:57,109
Now take this damn violin
and play your heart out.
276
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,946
Could be your last chance to be happy.
277
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:04,575
[breathes deeply]
278
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,830
[students murmuring]
279
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:11,082
-[student 2] She's gonna play.
-[suspenseful music playing]
280
00:13:14,626 --> 00:13:16,838
[playing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"
sadly]
281
00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:24,636
[students murmuring]
282
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,233
I'm so ashamed.
283
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,157
[Maria] So you can see
why I have some issues about planning
284
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,700
big events with my mother.
285
00:13:46,783 --> 00:13:49,996
Luckily, I had the support
of the Filipino community.
286
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:53,624
Maria, isn't it weird that our
wedding venue burned down to the ground?
287
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:55,042
[typing]
288
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,544
-Do you think that's a bad omen?
-Okay. Hold that thought.
289
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:02,258
I am just sending the e-mail blast
to our Filipino friends
290
00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:05,511
to invite them to the wedding.
And send.
291
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,139
In answer to your question,
292
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:12,935
what you say is a bad omen could be
a Pinoy cloud with a silver lining.
293
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:16,397
-What?
-Galanga Hall is a superior venue.
294
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:20,526
Everything about our second wedding
is gonna be first-rate.
295
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:21,735
Okay. That's awesome.
296
00:14:21,818 --> 00:14:25,656
[inhales deeply] I'm just concerned that
things might be getting a little too big.
297
00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:27,867
Can a wedding get too big?
298
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,036
Yeah, I think the answer to that
is an absolute yes.
299
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,287
Okay.
300
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,623
Besides, I thought we were
only doing this to make your mom happy.
301
00:14:34,706 --> 00:14:38,627
We were.
But then, we started changing lives.
302
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,462
We started making other people happy.
303
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:47,469
Betina, Arvin,
Rodel, Rodel's cousin Rodel.
304
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:52,724
Rodel's cousin's uncle Rodel.
And that's just to name a few.
305
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:55,144
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh.
306
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,313
It's Danilo. I've gotta get this.
307
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,356
Danilo. Hey, what's good?
308
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,109
[gasps] We got the hip-hop
yo-yo dance crew?
309
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,069
Oh, my God.
310
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:07,990
I think they could go before
the stilt walkers. Or concurrently.
311
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,993
I mean, I love a spectacle.
What do I think about fire?
312
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,287
I think we should incorporate it
in every part of the ceremony.
313
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:17,208
It's a real thematic nod to what happened
to us at the Sportsmen's Lodge.
314
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:21,420
Yeah. Paalam, my guy.
Bye, bye, Danilo. Bye. [giggles]
315
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:27,426
Oh, my God!
Danilo is just overflowing with ideas.
316
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:28,510
Who is Danilo?
317
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,596
Rodel's nephew. Betina's sister's boy.
318
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:33,807
He runs Galanga Hall,
the entertainment portion.
319
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:36,893
I was concerned he wasn't gonna be able
to get the hip-hop yo-yo dance crew.
320
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:39,021
But then he said, "I pulled some strings."
321
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:42,274
[laughs] Well, it means
the, uh...
322
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,900
Ah, it's really funny.
323
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:47,113
English is his second language,
so it was really, I thought...
324
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,530
You know what? Just be careful.
325
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,492
Sometimes when you get stressed,
you throw yourself into a cause.
326
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:55,037
-It's a cause for celebration! Okay?
-Okay.
327
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:58,082
Now, may I please have your cane size?
328
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,000
I don't want a cane.
329
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:03,295
Okay, I'm just gonna measure you
in your sleep.
330
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,588
No canes.
331
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,634
[birds chirping]
332
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,305
-[dance music playing]
-[people cheering]
333
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,057
-[Rodel] Forget the bananas...
-Betina?
334
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:17,393
-Yeah. Release the monkeys, too!
-[monkeys chittering]
335
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,935
[Betina] Maria, I'm coming!
336
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:22,564
-Betina! Hi.
-Oh! You look beautiful.
337
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:23,983
You think this wig is okay?
338
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:27,528
Maria, you look like
a white Imelda Marcos.
339
00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:29,446
-[chuckles] Oh. Oh.
-Maria, Maria.
340
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:30,947
I have something for you.
341
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,783
My mother gave this to me
on my wedding day,
342
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,326
and her mother gave it to her.
343
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,411
[sighs] Oh...
344
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,746
-It's a handkerchief.
-Oh, Mom.
345
00:16:37,829 --> 00:16:40,041
It's just a small token of my love
346
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,543
that's been passed down
through the generations.
347
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:45,962
I hope it ends up meaning as much to you
as it has to all of us.
348
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:48,340
-Thank you so much, Mom.
-You're welcome.
349
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,842
We lost it for just a bit
during the Civil War,
350
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:55,431
but then it miraculously showed up
in an abandoned cannon in Fort Sumter.
351
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:57,266
-Who knows how it got there.
-[chuckles]
352
00:16:57,349 --> 00:17:01,312
Anyway, sweetie, I was kind of wondering
about the madhouse going on here.
353
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:06,817
I mean, there are bicycle riders
and stilt walkers and a petting zoo?
354
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,235
What is this all about?
355
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,696
A guy in a turban tried to guess
my weight.
356
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,074
-He was spot on.
-[sighs] I know. Me, too.
357
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:16,077
But nevertheless,
it's not exactly like a wedding.
358
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:20,081
It's a little bit more like
a Mad Max movie without the dust.
359
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,457
Do you really want this?
360
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:25,294
I don't... I'm not... I don't know.
I'm not...
361
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:26,920
I almost forgot.
362
00:17:27,003 --> 00:17:29,923
-I have something for you, too, Maria.
-Oh.
363
00:17:30,006 --> 00:17:34,803
It's a Hahamogna dual action sports watch,
364
00:17:34,886 --> 00:17:39,641
platinum edition,
with the water resistance to 50 meter.
365
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:42,103
-That is gorgeous.
-[chuckles] This is crazy.
366
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:44,896
You should go take your seat
so you won't miss the stilt walkers.
367
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:46,190
No, I have to talk to--
368
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,984
-Oh, you don't want to miss stilt walkers.
-[Marilyn] All right.
369
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:53,322
Maria, when Rodel gives you his cue,
Arvin will walk you down the aisle.
370
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:54,906
[speaking Tagalog]
371
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:57,409
It would mean the world to me
and the Filipino communities.
372
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,828
-Okay.
-Hey, bean, ready to do this?
373
00:17:59,911 --> 00:18:02,914
-Oh! Dad, this is Arvin. I...
-Oh, congratulations.
374
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:05,376
-Thank you.
-I saved his sausage cart and so,
375
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:09,213
uh, he'd like to walk me down the aisle.
It would be a big honor.
376
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:12,048
This was gonna be a big honor
for me, too, bean. I'm your father.
377
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,135
-Yes.
-You ready, Miss Maria?
378
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:17,179
You know what? I think my father should
walk me down the aisle.
379
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,265
Uh, too late.
The T-shirt cannon started firing already.
380
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,641
-Okay, cue the doors, please.
-[Joel] Oh.
381
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,351
-It's go time. Go time, let's go.
-Come on, come on.
382
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,562
-[dance music playing]
-[all cheering]
383
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:26,980
What the fuck?
384
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,275
[motorcycle engine revving]
385
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,359
[inaudible]
386
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,035
-Come. Come. Come.
-[woman] Maria!
387
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,664
[Rodel] Wow!
388
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:44,831
Yes, keep going!
389
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:46,041
[cheering continues]
390
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,170
Okay. Go, go, go, go.
Watch out for the motorcycles!
391
00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:50,337
Whoa!
392
00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:53,674
-[Arvin exclaims]
-[Maria breathing shakily] Okay.
393
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:57,093
Where is Scott?
394
00:18:57,178 --> 00:19:00,181
Uh, he's gone, my sweet queen.
395
00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:02,057
-[bike crashing]
-[all groan]
396
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:07,020
Oh, shit! Oh. [panting]
397
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:13,194
Scott? Scott?
398
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,986
[groaning]
399
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:20,409
My beloved? Where's my beloved?
400
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,624
Oh, are you kidding me?
401
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:29,835
[groans]
402
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:33,297
-Did I hear someone say "me"?
-Oh, God. Karen Grisham?
403
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:35,757
I was just jilling off to Toy Story
in my self-driving Tesla.
404
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,718
Uh... Oh!
405
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:40,304
-Get in.
-No. I can't.
406
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:42,223
I gotta find Scott. He took off.
407
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:45,392
Get in. We'll find him.
My fucking Tesla has a tracking algorithm.
408
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,061
Really? Thank you!
Thank you, Karen Grisham.
409
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:50,564
[chuckles] Uh...
410
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,441
-Take your fucking wings off!
-Oh, okay.
411
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:55,444
[grunting]
412
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,697
[chuckles] They're beautiful, right?
They have all the saints on them.
413
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:03,285
Thank you so much for trying
to find Scott with me. [pants]
414
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:06,037
Of course. We just need to
swing by the office first.
415
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,999
-Tesla. Office.
-[car beeps]
416
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:10,083
[groans] Shit!
417
00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:18,509
[inhales deeply]
418
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,512
Are you sensing my aura?
419
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:25,056
It's quite different now, don't you think?
420
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:27,601
How long is this gonna be taking?
'Cause I have...
421
00:20:27,684 --> 00:20:29,478
I want us to work together again, Maria.
422
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,813
So what do you say, Maria?
Let's change the fucking world.
423
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:32,939
-[Tucker whines]
-I ask you
424
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:37,027
to don the most sacred lady blazer.
425
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,487
[blazer growls]
426
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:41,072
Oh...
427
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:44,034
How about it, Maria?
Are you ready to lady blaze?
428
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:53,877
[Don Jr.] Your series idea
has been approved.
429
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,837
[Maria] Wait a minute.
This has happened before.
430
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,590
Or it happened already
and I'm catching up to it.
431
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,593
It's all about the blazer.
But what does the blazer mean?
432
00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,720
Is this what happens
if I don't take care of myself?
433
00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:07,433
Oh, fuck!
I don't wanna go back to the future!
434
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,646
[in fancy voice] One. Two. Three!
435
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:16,775
Ooh! Thanks a bunch, Tristan. [chuckles]
436
00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:19,069
Where's my beloved Scott? Ooh!
437
00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:22,614
-[chuckles] Hi, you!
-[laughs] Hey! Hey!
438
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:26,117
-Great premiere, Maria. Solid blazer work.
-[blazer growls]
439
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:29,621
Which means it's time for you
to release Ranlith the Hive Queen.
440
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:31,122
-[gasps]
-The elevator over there
441
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:32,291
will take you to the center of the Earth.
442
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:36,295
[exclaims] Weird Al Yankovic, you're
a member of the Hollywood Ladies Club?
443
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:39,673
Oh, yeah.
Jill Soloway is a huge fan of UHF.
444
00:21:40,256 --> 00:21:44,094
She called it a post-Lacanian
proto-feminist manifesto for our times.
445
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:45,429
[babbles and chuckles]
446
00:21:45,512 --> 00:21:48,307
Plus guys really like to
pleasure themselves to it on their iPads.
447
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,434
I need to give that a re-watch. [cackles]
448
00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:52,060
-Oh, thanks, Brie.
-Yeah.
449
00:21:52,143 --> 00:21:53,269
Brie! Brie!
450
00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:54,646
-Here.
-[gasps]
451
00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:57,190
-Take this broadsword.
-Yes. Yes.
452
00:21:57,273 --> 00:21:59,651
When in doubt, use your boobies.
453
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,653
-Ooh!
-You know, just like in life.
454
00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:04,280
Life! [laughing]
455
00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:07,326
Uh...
456
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:09,077
I was gonna tell you something else.
I can't remember.
457
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,412
-Oh, oh. What was it?
-There was something...
458
00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:12,831
Oh! Oh, yeah,
uh, Bruce Ben-Bacharach is dead.
459
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:16,835
[squeals] Oh, no! Heavens, no!
Did I eat him?
460
00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:18,795
-[laughs] No. No. No!
-[chuckles]
461
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:21,882
Andy Samberg cut his throat
and gutted him like a pig.
462
00:22:21,965 --> 00:22:24,175
-[gasps]
-[chuckles]
463
00:22:24,259 --> 00:22:25,677
[grunts]
464
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:29,848
-And now Andy's missing.
-Oh, no. Did I eat him?
465
00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:31,975
I don't know. Did you?
466
00:22:32,058 --> 00:22:35,604
I do feel full! [groans]
467
00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:39,024
Okay! Enough chitchat.
Go, save the universe!
468
00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:41,402
Lordy!
The stakes have never been higher!
469
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:42,778
I must go... [gasps]
470
00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:44,029
Maria, where are you going?
471
00:22:44,112 --> 00:22:45,906
Scott, I'm going
to the center of the Earth
472
00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:50,536
to free Ranlith the Hive Queen in order
to save the Earth from eternal darkness.
473
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:52,328
Tell everyone I have diarrhea.
474
00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:54,623
-You're not taking care of yourself.
-[groans]
475
00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:57,250
I think the pressures of the show
are finally getting to you.
476
00:22:57,333 --> 00:23:01,379
Scott, no. No, you don't understand,
baby bear. You don't understand.
477
00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:03,256
No, no, no. You don't understand.
478
00:23:04,299 --> 00:23:06,427
It's destroying you
and that's destroying me.
479
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:08,554
[sighs] You have to make a decision.
480
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:09,513
No.
481
00:23:09,596 --> 00:23:11,347
Either you're gonna start
taking care of yourself...
482
00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:14,267
-[grunts]
-...or I have to detach myself with love.
483
00:23:14,350 --> 00:23:16,728
Detach myself with love.
Detach myself with love.
484
00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:20,441
Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry.
485
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:24,027
But I must do this. I must save the world.
486
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:26,404
[breathing rapidly]
487
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:29,950
I will always love you!
488
00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:31,993
-What?
-I'll love you forever.
489
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:34,746
-I have to save the Hive Queen. [grunts]
-[elevator bell dings]
490
00:23:36,457 --> 00:23:37,373
[squeals]
491
00:23:37,458 --> 00:23:38,917
[grunting]
492
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:44,172
When in doubt, use your boobies.
493
00:23:44,255 --> 00:23:45,591
[chuckles]
494
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:46,717
[suctioning]
495
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,885
[giggles] Oh, that's not it.
496
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:50,804
"Place the chosen tongue here."
497
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,556
Wild!
498
00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:53,849
[elevator chimes]
499
00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:55,934
Whoa!
500
00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:58,979
It seems like we're going down.
501
00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:01,815
Crust! Mantle!
502
00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:05,944
Core! Right to the lava!
503
00:24:06,027 --> 00:24:09,030
Thanks, Miss Perry, fifth grade science.
504
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:12,200
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
505
00:24:12,283 --> 00:24:14,870
Don't stop! I don't wanna get off!
506
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:17,914
-Whoa!
-[elevator bell dings]
507
00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:22,085
Oh! I'm here to help! I love to help!
508
00:24:22,168 --> 00:24:25,046
Let me help! I can help you!
509
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:26,172
Oh!
510
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,427
"Chosen tongue here."
511
00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:37,017
What kind of freaky creep built this
crazy, mixed-up jumble of jambalaya?
512
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:38,476
Sure, I will.
513
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,647
-[machine chiming]
-[lisping] Ranlith, I free thee.
514
00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:44,482
-[hatch unlocks]
-Ooh. [chuckles]
515
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,902
Oh! Oh!
516
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:51,239
Oh, Hive Queen.
517
00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:57,370
I bow to thee.
And I ask you to save us all.
518
00:24:57,453 --> 00:24:58,496
-You...
-[chuckles]
519
00:24:58,580 --> 00:24:59,915
Oh! Yes?
520
00:25:00,456 --> 00:25:02,751
-...giant-tittied idiot.
-Ooh!
521
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,587
You magnificently mammaried moron!
522
00:25:05,671 --> 00:25:08,048
You busty, brainless fuck!
523
00:25:08,131 --> 00:25:11,426
[chuckles] You're starting to hurt
my feelings, Hive Queen.
524
00:25:11,509 --> 00:25:14,512
The Hollywood Ladies Club,
they tricked you.
525
00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,306
[chuckles]
526
00:25:16,389 --> 00:25:22,520
I am not here to save the world.
Nay, I am here to destroy it!
527
00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:23,689
[thunder rumbling]
528
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,192
-Oh. [chuckles]
-I work for Don Jr.
529
00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:30,486
Oh, Don Jr.? [chuckles]
530
00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:33,364
That's the computer
that greenlit mein show?
531
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:36,952
Don Jr. is the computer
who greenlit all life!
532
00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:41,372
We are but programs
in Don Jr.'s simulation.
533
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:44,751
-Ooh.
-Humans no longer amuse Don Jr.
534
00:25:44,835 --> 00:25:50,924
He wants to delete the program.
And I am the delete key!
535
00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:52,759
Control-alt! [laughs]
536
00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:54,219
[distorted voice] You!
537
00:25:54,302 --> 00:25:59,515
You were so willing
to sell out your integrity and your honor,
538
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,477
that you almost made
all of us laugh a lot.
539
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,270
Oh. [chuckles]
540
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:07,899
You were such an easy mark, Maria.
541
00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:14,364
Because your ego so wanted you
to be the chosen one!
542
00:26:14,447 --> 00:26:18,201
I did! I wanted to save the world!
[babbles]
543
00:26:18,284 --> 00:26:20,704
Once I reach Don Jr.,
544
00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:25,626
I will be one with the singularity!
545
00:26:25,709 --> 00:26:28,086
Not if I have anything to say about it.
546
00:26:28,169 --> 00:26:31,798
Because of your arrogance
and your pride...
547
00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:35,010
-all humanity is doomed!
-[thunder rumbling]
548
00:26:35,636 --> 00:26:37,178
[voices screaming]
549
00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:43,644
[gasps]
550
00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:47,939
Don! I have to get to Don Jr. first.
551
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:52,778
-[elevator bell dings]
-Don Jr.! Where are you hiding?
552
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:54,905
[Don Jr. through speakers]
You'll never find me, Maria.
553
00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:57,824
I feel like I'm in
Gwyneth Paltrow's intestines!
554
00:26:57,908 --> 00:27:01,202
No polyps here. Ten thousand steps.
555
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:04,205
Ten thousand is the number that is chosen
by the Japanese health industry,
556
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:07,793
arbitrarily, because it's auspicious.
Back to the plot!
557
00:27:08,459 --> 00:27:12,172
[exclaims] Don Jr.!
Show me a sign!
558
00:27:12,964 --> 00:27:14,090
[squeals]
559
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,052
-Found ya!
-[buzzing]
560
00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:24,059
[gasps] Oh, no!
The Hive Queen is inside of Don Jr.
561
00:27:26,602 --> 00:27:28,730
-Unplug!
-[Don Jr. powers down]
562
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:34,360
[Don Jr. powers up]
563
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:38,323
[gasps] What are you doing? Oh, no!
564
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:42,869
[Don Jr.] It's over, Maria.
I'm omnipotent and cannot be unplugged.
565
00:27:42,953 --> 00:27:46,664
And thanks to you,
I now have the delete key for humanity.
566
00:27:46,748 --> 00:27:49,292
AKA Ranlith the Hive Queen.
567
00:27:49,375 --> 00:27:51,627
Aw! [laughs]
568
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,296
[whirring]
569
00:27:53,379 --> 00:27:56,507
-Ooh, what are you doing?
-[Don Jr.] I'm scanning you, of course.
570
00:27:56,591 --> 00:27:58,468
That is, right before I delete you.
571
00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:02,806
You're a heck of a streaming TV star
and I'll want you for the next simulation.
572
00:28:02,889 --> 00:28:07,185
No, Don Jr., I resist!
573
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:12,107
Resistance is futile, Maria.
There's nothing sane left to do.
574
00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:13,900
Then I guess I'll just have to go...
575
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:15,944
crazy.
576
00:28:16,987 --> 00:28:18,321
[disco music playing]
577
00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:19,948
[Don Jr.] Maria?
578
00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:23,534
What are you doing?
579
00:28:29,958 --> 00:28:30,876
Maria...
580
00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:36,422
Be all you can be!
581
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:40,676
The slow and inevitable decay
of my body, mind and spirit.
582
00:28:40,761 --> 00:28:41,677
Nothing is impossible!
583
00:28:41,762 --> 00:28:42,721
-Pugs!
-Pugs!
584
00:28:42,804 --> 00:28:46,266
[Don Jr.] My rational computer mind cannot
resolve two chemically polarized halves!
585
00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:47,683
Poor vicious planet!
586
00:28:47,768 --> 00:28:48,977
Sarah Wright. Please resolve!
587
00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:51,813
Meat salad. Please resolve.
Please resolve. Please resolve.
588
00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:53,148
Please, please, please, please.
589
00:28:55,608 --> 00:28:57,318
[breathing shakily]
590
00:29:00,113 --> 00:29:03,491
So what do you say, Maria?
Are you ready to lady blaze?
591
00:29:03,574 --> 00:29:06,286
No!
592
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:12,208
I will not lose my mind over
a dumb TV show! I've got integrity!
593
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:14,544
Like the greater Los Angeles
Filipino community.
594
00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:15,670
You'll regret this, Maria.
595
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:19,925
I will not regret this because
I've seen the future in my head.
596
00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:22,135
-And it is bad!
-[cell phone chimes]
597
00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:25,680
Oh! Scott returned to Galanga Hall!
598
00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:27,766
Thanks, Rodel.
599
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:29,517
I gotta jet.
600
00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:35,273
[indistinct chatter]
601
00:29:35,356 --> 00:29:36,817
-[man] Oh, there's Maria.
-[woman 1] There she is.
602
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:38,151
-[woman 2] Maria!
-Oh!
603
00:29:38,234 --> 00:29:41,612
[all] Hi, Maria! You look beautiful.
604
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:43,698
[laughing] I can't believe it!
605
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:45,784
[all] Do we get a line in your show?
606
00:29:45,867 --> 00:29:49,079
I'm so sorry, my real life friends.
We can't afford it.
607
00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:51,873
[all] What if we say our lines
at the same time,
608
00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:54,876
so we're paid as background only?
609
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,546
That's a very smart idea.
But I... We still can't. I'm so sorry.
610
00:29:58,629 --> 00:30:00,799
Uh, you know what?
I've gotta go find my beloved, though.
611
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:03,176
Where is my...
There he is! I see him!
612
00:30:03,259 --> 00:30:05,595
There he is! Scott. [panting]
613
00:30:07,763 --> 00:30:09,099
Scott, I'm so sorry.
614
00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:14,562
Look, I know it was harsh to leave,
but you've always said
615
00:30:14,645 --> 00:30:17,398
when someone behaves in a way
where they can't see what they're doing
616
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:18,316
and it starts to hurt you,
617
00:30:18,399 --> 00:30:21,319
it's best to remove yourself with love,
and that's what I did.
618
00:30:22,028 --> 00:30:23,529
I do always say that.
619
00:30:24,655 --> 00:30:26,032
And you do, too.
620
00:30:27,408 --> 00:30:28,409
Say what?
621
00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:31,246
I don't know.
622
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:36,626
The thing is, I didn't realize
that I would be so bothered
623
00:30:36,709 --> 00:30:39,295
by my mom taking over our second wedding.
624
00:30:39,379 --> 00:30:43,258
So I threw myself into a cause,
which I still very much believe in.
625
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:47,053
The Filipino community is
one of the most resilient and joyful.
626
00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:51,016
But I got addicted to their love.
Their love was like a drug.
627
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:56,604
Me being their heroine was like heroin.
Do you see how I used that?
628
00:30:56,687 --> 00:30:57,856
-Wordplay.
-Thank you.
629
00:30:58,606 --> 00:31:02,152
You know, Scott, even though I'm on five
different kinds of mood-altering meds,
630
00:31:02,235 --> 00:31:04,905
I will be struggling with mental illness
for the rest of my life,
631
00:31:04,988 --> 00:31:08,074
which means you will be struggling
with mental illness.
632
00:31:08,158 --> 00:31:10,160
-I don't care about that.
-Oh...
633
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:11,577
Because I love you...
634
00:31:12,578 --> 00:31:14,873
-and I'm gonna help you through that.
-Oh.
635
00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:17,583
But there's one thing I know you're not
gonna have to struggle with.
636
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:19,044
Hmm?
637
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:22,547
And that's eating this mango peach pie
from the good people at Jollibee.
638
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:24,507
[gasps] Oh, my God!
639
00:31:24,590 --> 00:31:26,092
Mango peach pie is my favorite.
640
00:31:26,176 --> 00:31:28,469
I love you so much. I love you.
641
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:30,471
[muffled] Thank you.
642
00:31:31,181 --> 00:31:33,349
-[goat bleats]
-Oh!
643
00:31:33,433 --> 00:31:35,060
A goat? [gasps]
644
00:31:35,143 --> 00:31:37,896
I can't believe it.
This is the tableau of my dream wedding.
645
00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:41,191
A boat. A goat. Fast food.
646
00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:46,571
This is my dream wedding from Miss Cookie
Wolf's marriage and family class, 1987.
647
00:31:46,654 --> 00:31:47,780
It's my something old.
648
00:31:47,863 --> 00:31:51,117
Holy shit.
And to think I almost went to Taco Bell.
649
00:31:51,201 --> 00:31:53,494
There's nothing around here
except for Jollibee.
650
00:31:53,578 --> 00:31:55,580
[sighs] Scott, do you believe in fate?
651
00:31:56,872 --> 00:31:58,666
-No, I don't.
-I don't at all.
652
00:31:58,749 --> 00:32:00,543
[both laugh]
653
00:32:00,626 --> 00:32:02,170
But it's a crazy coincidence.
654
00:32:02,253 --> 00:32:06,674
I mean, what are the odds
that a goat would jump in a boat?
655
00:32:06,757 --> 00:32:10,511
When you have a poorly supervised
petting zoo right next to fireworks,
656
00:32:10,595 --> 00:32:12,305
you might get a runaway goat.
657
00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:14,557
-That's true.
-[goat bleats]
658
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:18,353
I got my dream wedding. What's your
dream wedding, Scott Marvel Cassidy?
659
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:20,646
What do you want?
Rodel can make it happen.
660
00:32:22,023 --> 00:32:23,149
There is one thing.
661
00:32:23,233 --> 00:32:27,237
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. and Mrs. Scott and Maria
662
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:32,242
Marvel Herbert Walker
Cassidy Bamford, no hyphen!
663
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:35,161
-["That's Entertainment" playing]
-[guests cheering]
664
00:32:35,245 --> 00:32:38,456
♪ A police car and a screaming siren ♪
665
00:32:38,539 --> 00:32:41,917
♪ A pneumatic drill
And ripped up concrete ♪
666
00:32:42,002 --> 00:32:44,712
♪ A baby wailing and stray dog howling ♪
667
00:32:44,795 --> 00:32:47,632
♪ The screech of brakes
And lamp light blinking ♪
668
00:32:47,715 --> 00:32:51,927
♪ That's entertainment ♪
669
00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:54,680
-♪ That's entertainment ♪
-[all cheering]
670
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:58,977
I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad!
I put the Filipino community first.
671
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:01,437
-I can see why with lechon like this.
-[both chuckle]
672
00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:03,731
Honey, this is a hoot!
673
00:33:03,814 --> 00:33:06,276
All of my friends from Duluth
say I've planned
674
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,320
the best wedding they've ever been to
in their lives.
675
00:33:09,404 --> 00:33:11,114
And that's all I really wanted.
676
00:33:11,197 --> 00:33:15,285
[laughs] Oh, good.
I'm still finding out who I am,
677
00:33:15,368 --> 00:33:17,662
and I either push people away
678
00:33:17,745 --> 00:33:21,207
or I do everything that people say
and lose myself,
679
00:33:21,291 --> 00:33:22,750
and I'm trying to find a balance.
680
00:33:22,833 --> 00:33:26,712
Sweetie, we're all still trying
to figure it out. You more than most.
681
00:33:26,796 --> 00:33:29,299
Oh! Thanks, Mom. I'm so sorry!
682
00:33:29,382 --> 00:33:33,053
Oh, honey, you never have to apologize
to your mother,
683
00:33:33,136 --> 00:33:35,430
and I never have to apologize to you!
684
00:33:36,972 --> 00:33:38,141
Now go dance with Scott.
685
00:33:38,224 --> 00:33:41,102
Two hot dogs are so cute,
but one is kinda sad.
686
00:33:41,186 --> 00:33:44,189
Okay. Okay. [squeals]
Ooh.
687
00:33:44,272 --> 00:33:45,690
[Marilyn] Whoo!
688
00:33:45,773 --> 00:33:48,109
♪ That's entertainment ♪
689
00:33:48,193 --> 00:33:51,946
♪ That's entertainment ♪
690
00:33:54,865 --> 00:33:58,328
♪ That's entertainment ♪
691
00:33:58,411 --> 00:34:02,957
♪ That's entertainment ♪
692
00:34:08,754 --> 00:34:10,756
[theme music playing]
693
00:34:10,806 --> 00:34:15,356
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