All language subtitles for Lady Dynamite s02e07 Kids Have to Dance.eng

[theme music playing]

[Maria] Corn!

[sighs]

-[gasps]
-Aw.

[chuckles]

Good morning, Mr. Scott Marvel
Herbert Walker Cassidy Bamford.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Maria Marvel
Herbert Walker Cassidy Bamford Marvel.

Yes.

What do you wanna do today?

-Well, I'm gonna put some gas in the car.
-Okay.

-Mmm, pick up some dry cleaning.
-Ooh.

And then do a few other things.

Are you talking about couples errands?

Couples errands?

[both yelling] Couples errands!

[upbeat French song playing]

[both laughing]

-What a day.
-[both laughing]

Couples errands. We got stamps!

-I crashed the car.
-[both laughing]

Well, it's wonderful to see
you two newlywedded paramours

so firmly in the grip of Eros.

I have to admit, whenever we're together,
nothing can get me down.

I see. Well, in that case,
I think I better launch right in.

We have strange and terrible news
from the Orient.

[East Asian music playing]

[Scott] Is this how every meeting starts?

-The gong is new.
-Oh.

Do you remember that little production
company we started in the Philippines

to produce low-budget,
reality-based competition shows

for the Pan-Asian market?

-No.
-Well, it seems there was a little bit

of a hiccup on one of our big hit shows,
Kids Have to Dance.

It is the third most-watched
forced dance competition

for children in its time slot.

Behold.

[dance music playing on TV]

That minueting minor
that you see there is Efren.

He is, according to
my primitive knowledge of Tagalog,

a huge fan of the Joe Dirt film franchise.

Tip of the hat to the wispily bewhiskered
Mr. David Spade.

You see, these kids dance until they drop.
And they can dance for days.

They produce their own sugar,

both in their bodies
and out in the fields as well.

They can't go to the bathroom?

Oh, no, they can. And they do. Constantly.
As a matter of fact,

that is the highest rated portion
of the program.

It is rather challenging
when it comes to traction,

but it really greases the wheels
when it comes to the moonwalk.

Now, let's move ahead.

Forty-nine hours later.

[audience cheering]

-[shouting]
-[bone cracking]

[audience gasps]

-[audience groaning]
-[gasps]

[bone cracking on loop]

[audience groaning on loop]

Oh, my God! Is... is he okay?

Uh, no. But he's not as not okay
as our company.

I mean, he may be crippled for life,
but our company is getting sued to death.

I don't understand what's going on here.
How can they be suing Maria?

Well, Maria signed a little contract
back in the spring,

creating an LLC with yours truly.

It was called
What Could Possibly Go Wrong Productions.

I assure you,
the whole thing was extremely legal.

Bruce, I thought I was cosigning
on your washer/dryer loan.

Yeah, well, the corporate papers
were in the same stack.

You didn't tell her what she was signing?
That's fraud, Bruce.

On the contrary,
it's called plausible deniability.

I was protecting my client.

Bruce... this is wrong.
A child got really hurt.

What are we gonna do
to help this poor kid?

Well, he's not gonna be poor
very much longer,

that is if the lawsuit prevails,

which is why you and I have to lawyer up.

I mean, we've got to
cut this kid off at the knees.

Which, believe me,
he's not gonna be needing

now that his spine exploded.

Oh, my God!
I have to talk to that family.

-Oh, no. The lawsuit was extremely clear.
-[Maria sighs]

No direct contact with the family,

which means none of us can go
within 500 feet of Cedars-Sinai.

But, I mean, with their parking, who can?

What? Bruce, I--

-[clangs]
-[chuckles]

-He's in Los Angeles?
-Parts of him.

Uh, legally, we were required to write
in all the performers' contracts

where the nearest hospital was.

So some plucky PA thought it would be
hysterical to write in Cedars-Sinai.

So now, six medevacs later, here we are.

So, my only question is,
what the hell do we do, my captainess?

I don't know, Bruce. I...

This is super fucked up.

I mean, I'm really disappointed in you.

-Oh, no, don't. Jesus.
-Oh, my God!

Worry not, lamb chop. This is merely a...
a novelty Binaca dispenser.

I thought we could all use a big laugh.

And everybody loves guns, right?
And fresh breath. [chuckles]

Bruce, I've had friends
kill themselves that way.

-[stutters] It's not that funny.
-With Binaca?

Oh, my God.

You're an asshole, Bruce.

[indistinct chatter]

-You excited, bean?
-Of course, Poppy.

I can't believe I'm at a
Dale Carnegie-inspired seminar.

-[both chuckling]
-Pinch me, I'm dreaming.

Oh, it's starting.

Hello, I'm Bud Gelson.

Does everyone have a seat?

-[all] Mmm-hmm.
-[Maria] Yes.

That's lesson one.

I made you say "yes."

The key to success in life
is to make yes happen.

Lesson two: create an atmosphere
favorable to persuasion. How?

Use the person's name as much as possible.

[Joel] Mmm-hmm.

Sweetest sound in the English language
is a person's own name.

-That's true.
-Isn't that right...

Grant?

Yes.

Good to hear, Grant.
I like your tie, Grant.

Feels good to hear it, doesn't it, Grant?

Yes.

Why don't you stand up
and tell us your story, Grant?

I'm on the road 320 days per year.

Drinking problem. Heart problems.
Lung problems.

Kids won't talk to me.

Car's repossessed.

Bank's taking the house.

Got home last night, wife was gone.

Just a note and a cold pot pie.

That's a heck of a list there, Grant.

Lot of problems.

But when you leave here today,

the only problem you're gonna have
is too much confidence.

[chuckling]

[all cheering]

And who are you, little filly?

I'm Joel Bamford and, uh,
this is my daughter, Maria Bamford.

Uh, but she's so good
she might as well be a son. [chuckles]

Thanks, Joel. But let's let Maria
build her own confidence.

Hello, Maria. I like your sweater.

It feels good to hear it,
doesn't it, Maria?

Yes, Bud. Thank you, Bud.

So, Maria, what do you hope
to get out of this seminar today, Maria?

She's in the Young Entrepreneurs Club
at school.

And, uh, she started making these
homemade spice ropes that she's sellin'.

Uh, but her mother is trying
to suck the life out of her dreams.

I love your enthusiasm, Joel,

and I'm crazy about your corduroys,
but Maria has the floor, Joel.

So, Maria,
let's throw you into the deep end.

You have 40 seconds
to sell Grant some spice ropes.

Make yes happen, Maria. And... go.

Grant, do you like things that smell nice?

-I guess.
-Okay, what if I told you, Grant,

that you could have your kitchen smell
like Christmas all year round, Grant?

My dad left our family at Christmas
and ran over the dog on the way out.

So, to me, Christmas smells
like a police station

and foster care, Maria.

Grant, that's great news, Grant,

because would you like to
buy a spice rope, Grant?

You can put them on the knobs
of your kitchen cabinets

-or in the freezer or--
-Maria, let silence be your closer.

[softly] Okay.

You got this, bean.

[sniffs]

Sixty. I'll take 60 spice ropes.

-Hot damn! That is yes in action, Maria.
-[all applauding]

You deserve a smoke break, little lady.

[chuckles] Yes, siree, make yes happen.

Yes.

Make yes happen!

I can't believe you sold out
your entire inventory of spice ropes.

-[chuckling]
-Why is that so hard to believe, Marilyn?

-She has dreams, like I do.
-Dreams? You mean night terrors?

We had to put up a metal bar
to keep you from taking to the streets.

-[chuckles]
-Are you surprised

that you failed to kill your own
daughter's dreams? Huh?

Did you want another shot?

Hey, let me get you
your dream-killing knife.

Huh? Oh, here it is!

Still stained with the remnants
of my dreams.

Put that thing away before you stab
somebody's eyes and ears out.

I'm just saying, I don't know
what anyone would do with 60 spice ropes.

I'm just a little shocked is all.

Yeah, that's 'cause
you have no imagination.

You should have seen her, Marilyn.

My little girl could sell cheese
to a moon man.

I'm just saying I'm surprised.

Maria, I'm very proud of you.

Now, sweetie, could you get up
and please take the trash out?

Marilyn, I would love to help you
get that trash taken out,

but I'm right in the middle
of production now.

So, what I'd like to do for you instead

is to get you into
the spice rope business.

I'd like to set you up
with ten spice ropes at wholesale.

You sell those and use the profits
to hire someone full-time,

another small business owner like myself,
made in America,

to take out the trash for you. [chuckles]

By the way,
I love that apron on you, Marilyn.

What is happening here?
Why is she calling me Marilyn?

Yes!

[rooster cawing]

Oh, honey, have you been up all night
making spice strings?

Ropes, Marilyn.
They're called spice ropes!

And, yes, I have been up all night,
because it's simple math.

I sold 60 ropes to one guy.

That means if I contact 10 people a day,
and sell them 60 ropes, that's 600 ropes.

If conservatively, I only sell
to half those people, that's 300 ropes.

And if I sell 363 days a year,

taking only one day off for my birthday,
one day off for Tink's birthday...

[bleats]

...that's 108,900 spice ropes.

So, that's what's called demand.

And yes, I have to stay up all night.

Now, would you make me some bacon, woman?

Okay, hold on a minute, missy.

I admire your confidence,

but let's put the horse
right back in front of the cart.

-No offense, Tink.
-[bleats]

You're basing all your calculations
on one guy.

Has it ever occurred to you that
maybe what happened was a fluke?

-A fluke?
-[bleats]

I'll tell you what a fluke is.

That a positive ray of sunshine,
such as myself,

would manage to blossom
in an atmosphere of misery and depression

-such as this household.
-[bleats]

[chuckles] It's a fluke.

[announcer] Welcome to Cockadoo-Duluth!

With Ted and Janet
and the whole cockamamie crew.

-And the weather rooster, Dwayne!
-[Dwayne] Cockadoodle-cold snap! Oh, my!

Where do they come up
with this wild stuff?

Dwayne used to be the sports rooster.
I guess now he's the weather rooster.

It's better than a cup of coffee.

Cockamamie crew.
[scoffs] That's funny.

...unforgettable holiday crepes.

Mmm. But first, a spicy discovery
at the Freeway 535 Inn and Suites.

Last night police found the body
of 54-year-old Grant Gunther.

Grant Gunther?

Gunther, a local Duluth businessman,

was found hanging from the shower head
of the weekender suite.

Police say Gunther appears
to have fashioned a noose

out of 60 or so gorgeously handcrafted
holiday novelty spice ropes.

Other guests found the body
after being drawn to the scene

by the overpowering scent of...
[chuckles] Christmas.

It's a tough story
all the way around, Ted.

I hate to see it when someone
loses their spice for life.

I don't care where you're from, Janet.
Suicide is a sin...namon.

-[both laughing]
-[sighs]

-Coming up after the break.
-[Janet sighs]

-Pets. Are they real?
-Hmm.

[bleats]

I'm a murderer. I killed someone.

I... I should have listened to his pain,
but instead I sold him the rope.

Sweetie...

he could have used anybody's
spice rope to kill himself,

-but he picked yours.
-[sighs]

And do you know why?

Because, as Ted and Janet said,
they are gorgeously handcrafted.

Ugh.

Grant said that he couldn't
stand the smell of Christmas,

but I still sold him the ropes. And...

I didn't care about him at all,
I just wanted the sale.

Sweetie, it is not your fault.

I mean, he should be so lucky
as to leave this world

with such holiday panache.

[bleats]

Sweetie... just remember,

you are responsible
for the happiness of others...

and you just can't make good decisions.

Yeah. [sniffles]

Now, who wants some
bacon-wrapped Tater Tots? Tink?

[bleats]

A man just died.

I had inadvertently killed a man
with my artistry.

So, I did what any kid would do.

I swore to never put commerce
before human beings again.

Okay. Well, thanks for looking into it.
Yeah, I will. Bye.

Okay. That was my lawyer buddy, Denise.

She's looked at the lawsuit,

and she says the kid's family
could go after all our assets.

Oh, my God. Okay, all right, well...

So, here's what we do. We lawyer up.

Denise is gonna recommend some good ones.

And in the meantime, we admit to nothing.

-And we fight this.
-Scott. No, no, no, no, no.

This is not about a lawsuit or money.

This is about making sure
that child is okay.

Yeah, I care about that child, too.
But this is very serious.

We could lose everything.

It's my problem. I'll take care of it.

And I'll make sure
they don't take any of your stuff.

Okay, look, take a seat.

Here's the thing.

There is no "mine" and "yours" anymore.
We're married.

-My assets are your assets.
-Money is not everything in life.

We're married.
Whatever happens to you happens to me.

Not only financially,
but emotionally, too.

Well, it shouldn't!

You can't tell someone
not to have a feeling.

-[barks]
-Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna go on the last two
of our couples errands alone!

And it's gonna suck,
but I'm gonna do it by myself

because I can do it by myself!

I'm gonna go to get the oil changed,
and I'm gonna go to Trader Sam's,

the one on Santa Monica Boulevard
with the terrible parking lot.

You need me for that.
I save you a spot with my body.

I guess I'll just have to use a cone.

A cone!

[barks]

[horns honking]

Whoa, I'd hate to see
what you do to the almonds.

David Spade!

I was just thinking about you
because of Joe Dirt.

[chuckles] Okay. Another classic blast
of Maria Bamford sarcasm.

What? No. [stammers]

I know you think I'm sarcastic,
but I'm not sarcastic.

Actually, I'm always wondering
if you're the one who's sarcastic.

Are you being sarcastic?

Oh, that didn't sound
sarcastic at all now, did it?

So what's going on, M-train?
Why so angry with the nuts?

Well, my husband Scott and I
had a big fight.

You're married?

He's a lucky guy.

So what's the beef about?

Well, I got myself involved
in this horrible Filipino television show.

In the finale,
this kid got crippled pretty bad

and Scott says I should get lawyered up,

but I think I should really see
if the kid's okay.

Yeah.

Children are the future.

Do you often find yourself
wandering the aisles of Trader Sam's

seeking life advice?

'Cause I'll give you some
if you want it. For free.

-Okay?
-I find when I have a problem, Maria,

I like to cut out the middleman
and go right to the source.

Like Trader Sam's.

They go to the wholesaler and, that way,
they pass the savings on to us.

Well, uh, I'd love to go directly
to the kid and his family,

but they're at Cedars-Sinai
and I'm not allowed anywhere near there.

Oh, my God. If you could go talk to him...

He is the biggest Joe Dirt fan ever.

Oh, he is!
Why don't I dress up like Joe Dirt?

I could wear a Joe Dirt puppet on my hand
and I could go right down to Cedars.

Today is my regular visitation day
at the burn ward, so it might work.

Yeah. I could bake him a cake...

maybe bring him some flowers.
Would that work for you?

[lighthearted music playing]

I'll see you later, David.
Always a pleasure.

Okay. Sounds like fun.

-Hey, it's me. [sighs]
-[horns honking]

-[woman screaming]
-I just met David Spade

and I thought I'd had the perfect
solution to all my... Sorry.

...problems.

But turns out, he is pretty sure
he is not going to, uh...

[horn honking]

...go, uh, down to the Cedars-Sinai
dressed as Joe Dirt...

and meet Efren and his family.

So, maybe I'll be lucky
and meet another Joe Dirt.

[man] Hey, lady, look out!

-[tires screech and horn blares]
-[screams]

[grunts]

Joe Dirt. [gasps]

Joe Dirt. [chuckling]

-Yeah, you like that?
-Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh! I'm gonna fucking
break your fucking face

and shit all over your Bruce tits.

No, no, my gentle flower,

I'm just enjoying a bit of ribaldry
via text from my new BFF, Andy Samberg.

Oh, God damn!

You are so popular with young Hollywood.

[moans] Someone put
a white Bronco in my panties.

-The juice is loose!
-[chuckles]

-[in fancy voice] Karen!
-Hi, Maria.

-Hi, Bruce.
-Oh. Hello, Maria.

Karen, I want to talk to you
about my part in this scene, privately.

Anything you want to say to me
as your director,

you can say to me as your director
who's grinding her lover.

Well, okay.

Well, I've been working
on average 22-hour days,

and what seems to be happening is,

I can't tell if I'm dreaming
or I'm actually talking to you.

I'm also on six mood stabilizers.

And it's waves of rage
and suicidal ideation

and seeing Michael Jackson bunnies
coming out of my eyes.

So, I think before I have
a complete break in reality,

[chuckles] I should take a little nap.

You know, that's a good idea.

We should put that in an episode,
you know.

-[laughs]
-Can you fucking believe this bitch?

Two weeks ago she's all up in my grill
because she's boo-hoo-roosing

over being in a space coma.

Now, we gotta wake her the fuck up
before we go-go, and she needs to sleep.

Boo-hoo.

Maria never really wanted to work anyway.

As opposed to the great Andy Samberg,
who is what I might call, the Big Apple.

He's the comedian, like the city,
who never sleeps.

[grunts] You got me writhing
like an oversexed sea snake!

God damn! Ow! Aw, shit.

Call me Karen Squisham! [moans]

Well, I was just thinking
I could get someone

to play my part for just a few scenes.

-I'll do it.
-[Maria] Oh, perfect.

I can play Maria, easy.

Set me free for a couple hours at Crafty,

have makeup drag sandpaper over my face.

-She's terrible, but great.
-No way, hombre!

Substituting another actor into a role
in the middle of a scene

is just too goddamn jarring.

I don't know, audiences are smart.

Especially critics, and the voting members
of the various guilds.

-I think it could work. Yeah.
-Hey, Maria.

Shut your yap,
or you're gonna get the Pap.

And that's a Pap smear reference

because I'm gonna jam my fist
up your lady dong!

All right! Let's settle
for the battle station scene!

[bell rings]

And... action!

My beloved! The Kreplockians
from Souplonia have declared war.

Battle stations! Battle stations!

[alarm blares]

The Corinthian Crystals can't take it.

-Divert all power to substation six.
-The core can't handle it!

You can't handle it.

It's no use.

I'm going on a spacewalk
to check the reactors.

If I'm not back in ten, leave me behind.

-But, Maria--
-There's no buts in space, Scott.

Only nuts. Space nuts.

And... cunt!

Best performance of the season, Maria!

Hey, it's Emmy-time.

Thank you very much. I'm Maria.

-Hi, honey, I'm home.
-[chuckles] Hi.

Oh, wow, you look amazing.

-Like a whole new person.
-I know.

Do you like my medallion?

I love your medallion.

-How was your day?
-Pretty good.

-Oh.
-Did some art.

And the rest of my work day
got ruined by you-know-who.

[toilet flushes]

Please do not leave me alone with her.
She's not kind.

Is she still living here?

I've got super hearing, fucko!

So I hear everything,
and I know everything.

And yeah, I still live here.
You know why?

Because I'm crippled, thanks to you!

[chuckles] And when I say thanks,
I'm being facetious.

And when I say I'm hungry...
[gasps and chuckles]

I'm deadly fucking serious.
And I'm hungry!

So why don't you just scurry off,
my little helper monkey,

with your little prehensile tail,
and get me some supper!

Oh, you're hungry?

Yeah? That's great news.

'Cause dinner's ready
and you're taking it to fucking go!

Oh, wait! [screaming]

And stay out!

Wow, you're just full of pep.

And I thought you would be
completely wiped out

from your union-violating
work schedule at the studio.

Actually, I feel better than
I've ever felt before.

And people are saying
I'm doing great work.

The very greatest of my career.

[sighs] I know
we've been scrapping lately,

but I just want to tell you,
now that I look at you

and I see the glowing of your skin,
the glistening of your lips,

the silky smoothness
of your perfect hairdo...

that I love you now more than ever.

Especially now that
you're doing your best work

and have little to no fatigue.

You wanna know something really weird?

Now that I'm doing my best work
and have little to no fatigue,

I am super fucking horny for marriage sex.

-And we're married.
-Oh, I know.

So, maybe... maybe we should
do something about that, huh?

I have ten minutes before I have to
be at the Hollywood Ladies Club.

You think you have it in you?

Uh, no, but I think you might have it
in you in a few minutes.

-[chuckles] Chase me!
-[maniacal laughter]

Sarah? Sarah? Maria?

[laughing]

-Uh, have you seen Sarah Wright?
-Oh.

The bedroom smells like bleach.

[in fancy voice]
Oh, that's unusual. [chuckles]

Must've been the dogs just joshing around
with cleaning fluids.

[both chuckling]

Maria, you didn't chop up Sarah Wright
into little bits

and then sprinkle those chopped up bits
into your salad, did you?

What? No!

[laughs] I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't eat a big star.
Especially one that talented.

But if I did, wouldn't have it
been justified? [chuckles]

Have you seen that show, Justified,
starring Timothy Olyphant? [chuckles]

Wow. Hey. Pow! Pow!
That's a great show. [chuckles]

Oh, wait, isn't that Sarah's necklace?

[chuckles] A necklace?

I would never eat a necklace.

That's not food.

[chuckling maniacally]

Go run me a bath, won't you?

'Cause I'm covered in human blood.

[chuckles] JK! No, go on, get it.
Run that bath.

[Maria] Oh!

Down the hatch, Sarah.

[chuckles]

-[Bert] Heidelberg.
-Goodnight, sweet angel.

-[Sarah screaming]
-Forever.

[laughs maniacally]

-Ah! Oh. [chuckles]
-Oh. Maria? [chuckles]

Scott? What are you doing here
dressed as Joe Dirt?

I could ask you the same question,

but I think we both know
the answer to that.

But, I... Maybe one of us should leave,

because Efren might be confused
by seeing two Joe Dirts.

That is a good point.

But maybe we double our odds of success
with two Joe Dirts.

-Oh!
-[David] Well, in that case,

you just tripled your odds.

'Cause here's Joe Dirt 3.
What's crappenin'?

Which incidentally,
is in preproduction to shoot this summer.

Wow! David Spade, you came!

Maria, I... I told you,
this is my weekly visit to the burn unit.

I just thought you were being sarcastic.

Why would I joke about visiting
burned sick children in the hospital?

-That's not cool.
-You're right. You're absolutely right.

David, this is my husband, Scott.

Oh, uh, hi.
Nice to meet you. Uh, big fan.

-Hmm.
-I loved you in Black Sheep.

Maria, are you messing with me?

Is this another one
of your sarcastic pranks?

No. I have never done
a sarcastic prank in my life.

Oh, okay. And I suppose
there's some crippled kid behind that door

that just can't wait to meet Joe Dirt.

Yeah. There is. He's in there.

Ooh. Can't wait to meet him.

-This will be fun.
-[Maria] Come on. Come on.

-Come in. Come on in.
-[David] Yeah, okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Let's see.

Efren!

You're supposed to be paralyzed!

Ow, my spine!

-Okay.
-[gasps]

All right, Maria, I can't believe this.

All I've ever done
is be a good friend to you,

and all you ever do is make fun of me
and make me feel bad.

-That's not what I meant to do at all.
-You know what,

-take this puppet...
-Okay.

...and you think of me
every time you wanna hurt a child.

-Okay.
-I have to go.

I have to perform an appendectomy.

[gasps] Wow, you do everything, David.

I'm being sarcastic.

-What's going on here?
-[David] Hi.

I'm cinema's D. Spade.

I would stay and meet you people,
but she's a horrible person.

-Oh. [gasps]
-Four Joe Dirts!

Well, actually, three.
[chuckles] We're down to three.

You're Efren's parents.
We have some great news for you.

[as Joe Dirt] Your boy can walk!

-What? What? Oh, my God.
-[gasps and chuckles]

Efren, is this true?

Yes, Papa. I'm so ashamed.

I faked my injury. Truth is,
I didn't want to dance anymore.

But I also didn't want to disappoint you

because I knew how much goddamn scratch
I was making for the family.

Did we put that much pressure on you,
little Efren?

You made me dance for 49 hours straight.
What do you think?

Oh, that is good sarcasm.

I'm so ashamed
we pushed you so hard, anak.

All we wanted was for you to be happy.

I promise, from now on,
whatever you choose to do,

we will support.

-Well, I do love to sing.
-[Efren's dad] Great!

We can get you on the hit TV show
Kids Have to Sing or Else!

But Dad, that's how Jejomar died.

[as Joe Dirt] Sometimes,
you just have to let a boy be a boy.

-[chuckling]
-Joe Dirt, you're right again.

No more endurance shows.

I just wish I knew
how to get in contact with Maria Bamford,

so we can tell her
that we're dropping the lawsuit.

-[as Joe Dirt] Well...
-[Scott chuckles]

I think you just did.

-[in normal voice] I'm Maria Bamford.
-[Scott chuckles]

Oh. When...

In our boy's room, disguised as Joe Dirt?

[stammering] Oh... Just to cheer him up.

'Cause we got the original Joe Dirt,
but then he bailed 'cause he was, uh,

-irritated with me. [chuckles]
-Zip it.

Get the fuck out of here
before I call the cops.

-Okay, let's go.
-Okay. Okay.

-Sorry about that.
-[as Joe Dirt] So sorry about that.

Are you enjoying your popcorn,

Mr. Scott Marvel Herbert Walker
Cassidy Bamford?

Why, yes, Mrs. Maria Marvel Herbert Walker
Cassidy Bamford.

You know what I realized today,
in our trio of Joe Dirts?

That I'm so used to doing things myself,

I have a hard time
accepting help from other people.

Especially from you, my beloved.

Well, I realized something, too.

I wanted so much to help you
that I forgot to treat you like a partner.

It's like, I felt married,

but now I realize I was acting single.

Even though
I had a ring that will not quit,

and seven new middle names,

I didn't really understand
what marriage meant.

Maybe it took us both becoming Joe Dirt
for us to truly become husband and wife.

That's beautiful.

You know, if you want me to
give Bruce the old heave-ho, I will.

I don't want that, but I want you to read
whatever he wants you to sign.

Oh. I don't... I don't like to read.

Hey. Me and Bert,
we can help you with 'em.

[Bert] Happily. Reading is a
discount ticket to everywhere.

Okay. Yeah,
Blueberry sure can't. [chuckles]

[chews and chuckles]

-She is not a reader.
-[chuckles] No.

-[barks]
-[Scott] Hey,

so here's to being a team,
and to not having secrets.

[gasps] Oh, and I forgot to tell you.

I promised my mom that
we'd have a giant second wedding

just for her friends from Duluth.

[lighthearted music playing]

[gulps]

[music continues]

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