Original subtitles

[instrumental music playing]

[speaking indistinctly]

-Okay. -Maria, what a fun party.

And look at you, you are finally wearing a dress.

And, honey, you have such a cute figure. Show it off!

You don't have to dress like a boy all the time.

-I'll keep that in mind, Mom. -Good job, bean.

Scott and Maria would like to say something now,

with their mouths.

-[drumroll] -Uh, we just want to say thank you

to everyone for coming to this special celebration

of my beloved's native country, Iceland.

Iceland.

Thank you.

Uh, yeah. So, we just wanted to say hello, welcome and...

show you a couple of traditions from back home.

Home.

Get the camera, Joel. This is like Epcot.

Now Maria and Scott will begin the ribbon dance with their bodies.

[in Icelandic] Are you ready?

Yes, my love.

♪ Odin's gift ♪

Look how she moves, Joel.

Those three years of rhythmic gymnastics really paid off.

♪ ...is Odin's gift ♪

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Wait, what... what just happened?

[both laughing]

-I think they just got married. -This was a fuckin' wedding?

What the fucking fuck?

I would have been paying more attention.

I wore pants to my daughter's wedding?

[screams]

-[softly] Oh, no. -[Marilyn sobbing]

[theme music playing]

Oh, Bruce, the wedding was a disaster. Everybody's mad at me.

Well, mostly my parents.

Mostly my mom.

[exhales sharply and groans]

I am having extreme abdominal pain.

Well, that is a pickle easily unbrined. Just send her, uh, an edible arrangement.

Oh, I don't think so. She's... she's pretty mad.

Well, surely, that's no match for a speared cantaloupe.

The one time I try to do things my own way,

and everybody jumps down my throat.

I mean, my mom is down my throat.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. What's that about?

Why can't I not care?

Maria, you're an artist. You can't not care.

That's why you had to hire me to not care for you,

and, believe me, I very truly do not care.

Listen, I'd love to further opine on the subject matter,

but I've had to institute a moratorium

on any sort of client-parent relationship advice,

since I attempted to guide Marvin Gaye in a pesky little dustup with his father.

But speaking of bull's-eyes to the chest,

I do have something right on target for you, my sweet.

It's a role in a prestige procedural,

because I know you like meaningful stories.

And what is the name of this wondrous, tasty, televised confection?

Apache Justice.

-[hawk screeches] -[western music playing]

Bruce, that doesn't seem like something that would be appropriate for me.

No, no, hear me out.

You'd play the wonderful white hero, a lady lawyerette on the prairies,

who helps the Apaches in their weekly quest for justice.

Bruce, I say this almost every time we meet

but, uh, just to reiterate, I'm a comedian.

I've gotta go deal with my mom. I've gotta make her see that it's my life.

She can't control me anymore.

I'm not a child, you know. I call the shots.

[cell phone vibrates]

[Marilyn] "Your mother who loves you and gave birth to you

would like to speak to you about issues.

-Emoji. Emoji. Emoji. Emoji." -[groans]

You know what?

Maybe, I could do some good

telling the story of people whose stories normally aren't told.

-What time is that audition? -In one twenty-fourth of a moon.

-What? -It's one hour. In Santa Monica.

Take Hauser. Great cut through.

See, that's inappropriate, Bruce. [chuckles]

It's a pun based on the Native American experience,

which is actually not very funny in retrospect.

So, for the last seven seasons of Apache Justice, we've concentrated

on the injustice endured by the native people.

Now we want to focus on something very different...

justice.

Okay, just spitballing thematically on justice for a second,

this could be an episode, who knows, what do you say,

about a mother who gets all bent out of shape because the daughter

plans a gorgeous wedding.

It's a surprise wedding, you know, but the mother's invited.

-It's a great pitch for an episode. -Yeah.

But our daughter character is supposed to be likable.

And pulling a stunt like that...

even in frontier times, is a real cunt move.

[gasps] Oh, boy. Oh. I may not be pitching it right.

[stammers] Because the daughter is the... is the hero of that story.

Look, Maria, you're great. And now that Mira Sorvino has passed on the role

of Miss Prudence, middle-aged lady litigatetrix,

we are huge fans of your reel.

Oh, thank you.

Would you be up for doing a chemistry test with Peter Coyote?

He's just stepping out of makeup.

[gasps] Peter Coyote's on this?

Oh, my God. I am such a fan of his passion for social activism.

Geobelle, can you bring in Peter, please?

Oh, my God. Okay.

-[Maria gasps] -Peter, this is Maria. Maria, Peter.

[Maria] Wait, so Peter's an actual coyote?

Yeah, but he plays a hawk on the show.

-Guy's versatile. -Oh.

Our show is a period drama improv procedural. So just play with it.

Ad-lib. Robert Downey Jr. style, yeah. Peter likes to find it in the moment.

I need to put this on your chin.

Okay. Cool.

All right.

Gosh, he's really looking at me. [chuckles nervously]

Just look between his eyes, not in them. You should be fine.

And go.

[sighs] This ridge belongs to us, Nighthawk.

This is where we will find our justice.

Apache justice.

-[cell phone chiming] -Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. Uh... [sighs]

Forgot to turn this... My phone and my mom is

completely on the warpath. I have never used that word before.

I don't know why I'm using it now. [chuckles]

Oh, that is uncomfortable.

She is just all over my junk.

[groans]

[Goldfeather applauding]

Wow. That was brilliant.

Oh, you have the part. That is Apache Justice.

Oh, my God. Whoa, really? Thank you. Thank you.

-[groans] -Are you okay?

I have this crippling stomach pain every time my mom comes to visit.

Yeah, you should go see my guy at Cedars. He owes me one.

Amazing doctor.

-Gwyneth's guy. Very discreet. -Oh.

And for the record, he doesn't do abortions.

Though again, he's very discreet.

Okay, that's not a problem, 'cause I'm not pregnant. [chuckles]

Which would be dangerous and, uh, irresponsible at my age.

[school bell ringing]

[in Australia accent] Another top day in marriage and family class,

'cause your assignments have come back for My Dream Wedding.

Not my dream wedding. Your dream wedding.

I don't want to marry a koala. Very funny, Ronald.

On the whole, I'd say I'm pretty chuffed with these essays.

Clearly a lot of hard yakka was put in.

Some more than others. Gregory.

And top marks for you there, Roger. Very nice.

Awesome job, Roger. [chuckles]

[heavy metal music playing]

Maria, for you.

A C-minus?

Maybe next time you can put in a fair dinkum effort.

You'll find that reflected in your grades.

But I did put in a fair dinkum effort.

-This is my dream wedding. -Well...

Take a page from young Roger here.

Church wedding. Country club reception with Dan Skylark and his orchestra.

And for dinner, a choice of kangaroo steak

or steamed ferns for the vegetarians.

Great work again, Roger.

Robert. Beautiful.

-[Marilyn] Okay. So, here you go. -[bleats]

Some ants on a log to snack on. So how was school today, honey?

It was horrible. I got a terrible grade

in Miss Cookie Wolf's marriage and family class.

She said I wasn't honest enough for the assignment. But she should talk.

She's not even Australian. She went there once for ten days.

Tell you who she should be honest with. A bottle of conditioner.

Whoa, Maria.

Now, Miss Cookie Wolf is your teacher and she deserves your respect.

-So cool it. -Sorry. Got a little hot.

It's just that she told us to write our dream wedding, and I did.

How could I get a C-minus for telling the truth?

Well, let me see that.

[bleating]

Okay, get your parka. Get Tink's leash.

We are gonna go have a nice little conversation with Miss Cookie Wolf.

-Yes! -[bleats]

-[wobbling] -Remember,

don't grip the wobble board too tightly.

Firm pressure with your palms on the edge of the board,

and dream of the outback.

-[chuckles] -[door opens]

Knock-knock. Sorry to interrupt.

Marilyn Bamford. Maria's mom and best friend.

May I have a word with you?

Uh, yes, you can, Miss Bamford.

All right, boards down.

Let's take half a mo. Get that blood shaking through your mitts and arms.

Marilyn, what can I do for you?

Well, my Maria showed me the horrible grade

that you gave her for this recent assignment

in her marriage and family class.

Right. Well, about that, Miss Bamford.

In her dream wedding, she said she wanted to be married in a canoe

with that crippled goat and some Taco Bell.

She only spent $50.

So you'll forgive me if I say that's less of a dream wedding

and more of a dream nightmare.

That's the kind of dreamtime not even a spiny echidna can endure.

Well, I have something to say about that.

You were absolutely right to give Maria a C-minus. She blew it.

All I ask is that you give her

a second chance to take this assignment seriously.

She has no real male role model at home these days.

Her father is absolutely out to lunch.

So, as a result, she has no idea how to respect herself

as a young woman or a bride.

So under the circumstances, this was the best she could do.

Normally, my policy is no re-didgeridoo.

[board wobbling]

But, since you've come on bended knee,

humbled like a whipped dingo, begging for mercy...

I'll make an exception.

Maria, you have until 4:30 a.m. Canberra time

to hand in your assignment in a manner that befits the institution of marriage.

That's 2:30 p.m. our time.

Oh, that is wonderful. Oh, thank you, Miss Cookie Wolf.

Maria, what do you say to Miss Cookie Wolf?

[sighs] Thank you, Miss Cookie Wolf.

[bleats]

[Maria] That wouldn't be the last time my mother disapproved of my dream wedding.

So you don't know where she is? I'm this close to calling the precinct.

Oh, Maria. You're finally here.

We thought maybe you were hit by a bus

or Arab terrorists had grabbed you and turned you into an ISIS or something.

What's going on here?

-Your father and I have terrible news. -[gasps]

We lost the house.

[gasps] Uh, when?

Well, let's see, when was your wedding?

Yesterday, right? We lost it yesterday.

Scott, what's going on?

I seriously have no idea.

You're out of pretzels.

And for tax purposes, we put our home in Duluth in your name.

And Scott took it.

[stutters] When?

Right about the time you got surprised married in a ditch

and buried part of your mother in it.

[groaning] Oh, my God!

I just wanna point out that I actually haven't taken anything.

Well, not technically yet.

But the second you two split up, and your joint property is divided,

your father and I will be out on our keesters by Easter.

Mom... [breathes shakily] Scott and I are not getting a divorce.

We've been married one day.

Also, if you're so worried about that, why did you put the house in my name?

Because we never, ever thought you would get married.

-Ever. -We were very surprised.

Well, you could have told me.

Because it would have been very helpful for tax purposes!

Well, we didn't wanna bother you

and we were also a little worried about your mental instability

because who knows, Maria?

I mean, one day you could go off your meds,

and we could come home and find the locks changed

and feces everywhere and you in the bathtub filled with mashed potatoes.

Okay.

Number one, Mom,

mania can happen at any time, even when you're on your meds.

Number two, I have bipolar II,

which does not have the florid signs of psychosis, as in bipolar I.

If I did have those, I'd be re-diagnosed

and at that point, I would just deserve a cup of kindness

and a drive to the hospital.

So you're not only inaccurate, but insensitive!

Oh, it's just a who-knows.

I didn't mean it would happen. I just mean, "Who knows?"

It's just a who-knows, Maria.

[groans]

Just sign this and it all goes away.

[Marilyn] It's a pre-nup,

but since you've already stabbed your mother and father in their hearts

through their backs and got married in a ditch, it's a post-nup.

-[groans] -[Marilyn] Once you sign this,

Scott has no claim on the house when you break up.

Fine, I'll sign it.

-Oh, God! [grunting] -Maria, what's wrong with you?

[grunts] I... I gotta go see Goldfeather's guy.

[groans]

Mom, you did not have to come with me.

Oh, I know I didn't. Yet, I'm here. And you know why?

Because no matter how far you push me away, Maria,

I will always be here for you, Maria. That's what mothers do.

[groans loudly]

Oh, hey, Maria, we have your test results back.

Oh, thank you so much again for squeezing me in at the last minute.

Please, Goldfeather and I go way back. I was a consultant on Apache Med.

And when they spun it off into Apache Justice,

I came along for the ride. [chuckles]

Oh, my God. You work on AJ?

I love that show. Nighthawk is adorable.

Thank you so much.

I do a little background work for them, too.

You act on it, too? Okay. We've gotta get a picture.

Mom, you can take a picture of me, too,

I've been cast on that show as Miss Prudence.

I thought they were out to Mira Sorvino for that part.

Now, see, look at this one. She's always got secrets.

-She doesn't tell me anything. -[sighs]

It wasn't a big deal.

Ugh. Always an argument.

[Dr. Runningstream] Have you been feverish lately?

Experiencing rapid heart rate? Loss of appetite?

Yes to all three. I just, uh...

been under a lot of stress, especially the last week.

Oh, good gravy, Maria. It's me.

She's talking about me. I'm the stress.

Even though all I've ever done is love her.

[groans]

But who am I? I'm just a mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There's no such thing as just a mother.

The universe begins and ends with the love of a mother.

I love you, Dr. Runningstream.

Hey, can we get back to my test results?

-You just tested positive for rudeness. -Thank you.

She's experiencing a lot of symptoms of C. difficile.

Or C. diff. You can say it either way. No diff.

-[both chuckle] -Good one.

[groans]

She may not be producing enough good bacteria in her gut,

which is a very serious condition, Marilyn.

The only possible cure is a fecal transplant.

From a monkey.

No. Not in this case.

We would take the feces from a trusted, caring,

loving family member with a healthy gut.

Well, that would be me. Her father's GI tract is a GI joke.

If you're a match, then it would be a simple process

of harvesting the stool and distilling it into a pill form.

What you're saying is that, in order to feel better,

I have to eat my mother's shit?

I don't know what you're worried about. Your mouth is filthy already.

-Thank you. -[groans]

Now you listen here, young lady.

You better start respecting your mother,

because one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna wish

you had your mother's stool to eat.

And she won't be there.

And neither will her stool.

-[groans] -Thank you, Doctor.

Thank you a million times. Thank you.

[groans]

[men] Du-dum!

[theme music playing]

[narrator] General Phlybygggggxxxezyx.

Scott.

And the rest.

When I was a little boy on the twin sun planet of Vlartik,

my father would hurl the war knives of Kriskin at us.

Sometimes he'd ask, "Who wants a war knife of Kriskin?"

-[gasps] -And even if we said we didn't,

the war knives would fly.

[sighs]

I am having...

[sighs] war knife Kriskin feelings!

[screaming]

And cut!

-[bell rings] -I fucking love it!

That is called acting.

This is what you call directing. Where my jizz bib at? Hey!

[chuckles]

Really fucking great work, Maria.

[in fancy voice] What? I just laid there with... with my eyes closed.

That's what I do in the sack with Bruce.

[laughs] Just kidding.

I don't lie there. Bruce does. I'm a scrambler.

Hey-ho, wait, what's that now?

-Bruce and I have begun a dalliance. -Oh.

Yeah, we're lovers now.

We have been keeping company in my anus.

-Oh. -[chuckles] I used to be repulsed by him.

But once I saw him goofing around on the set with new Hollywood royalty,

that sweet Hebrew prince of cinema, Andy Samberg,

I said to myself, "Jesus Christ, Grish,

I gots to get that shrimp in me! Hey!"

-No. I get it. I get it. -And after last night,

it is lightly battered. But only tempura-rarily.

I love love in all its forms,

just don't tell me any of the details, please. [claps]

I got a question. Where's my motherfucking LaCroix, bitch?

Maxima mea culpa, Susan.

One raspberry LaCroix coming up, on the double!

Yeah, put a hustle on it, tinsel tits.

This is hilarious.

You look just like me.

And you, like me. [chuckles]

We are best friends, so it makes sense.

You know what we used to do in Berkeley with our best friends?

-Tell me, what do you do? -Well, guy best friends...

used to switch the names on each other's dental records.

-Really? -Sure.

But I have another surprise for you, Bruce.

-I'm ready to sign with you. -[moans]

-But I have one condition. -Just name it, Your Eminence.

I'm gonna need you to cut loose all of your other clients.

Oh, mine lords!

I wanna be best friends, Bruce.

-But best friends with business benefits. -[moaning]

I want you to raw dog 10% of me all up inside of you.

-But only... if you lose the clients. -[whimpers]

Let the sweet, sweet orgy [stammers] of friendship begin.

Great.

That's quite all right. Next time, babe.

I'm a little busy now, with my current roster.

Bruce, you wanted to speak with me?

Ah, Maria, come on in.

Yes, uh, just finishing up on a call.

You know that's not a real phone.

Uh, yes. I just... I just sort of figured that out myself.

So, listen, uh, just a brief moment, won't keep you long.

Just wanted to tell you that, uh, I'm firing you as a client.

[chuckles] What? What are you saying?

I'm afraid I no longer have a home for you in my stable.

You see, I have only room for one stallion now.

The grand and glorious golden horse god...

Andy Samberg.

[chuckles] But this isn't like you, Bruce. Why are you betraying me thusly?

[chuckles] Betrayal? Qu'est-ce que c'est, betrayal?

-You know what? Fuck you! -Ooh!

Fuck you, Maria, you nutbag piece of shit. Let me ask you something.

When you were back there going cuckoo inside that fucking lollipop factory,

who stood by your side? Me!

-Oh. [laughs nervously] -Who pretended to care

when you said that your dog could talk and you had some sort of idiotic song,

some chicken leg turkey thing going on with that ridiculous Scott?

-Do you know who it was? -Bruce!

Me. Bruce.

From now on, you can think of me as Roland Emmerich,

because I happen to be Andy Samberg's plus-one for his Christmas party.

And today is my Independence Day.

Now please, get the hell out of my fake office, won't you?

[laughing] Wow, wow, wow.

What a blow to the solar plexus.

[laughing]

Well, as you wish, sir. [laughs]

As you wish.

I heard all that Bruce stuff with my superhuman hearing.

Sounds like somebody really soft served you a heaping helping of turd.

Are you seriously gonna slurp down every coily inch of that?

This little lady's too tired to fight anymore.

I'm just gonna lay down and open my mouth

and let the whole, wide world squat over me and poop.

-You're in a space coma. Hit the sheets! -Oh. Yes, right.

I'm too spiritual for this shit.

[laughs] Ah!

Look, Maria. Cupcakes, avocado, salad and pie.

Whoo!

I'm eating all your favorite foods.

And once they come out the other end, you're gonna have twice the fun.

Mom, I'm not gonna eat your shit.

Maria, we don't need that kind of language.

We really don't. And you might have to eat it if it's medically required.

[Marilyn] That's right.

Well, I won't, under any circumstances, on principle.

[sighs] Joel, she's standing on principle again.

What comes before the fall, Maria?

-Uh, summer. -No, pride.

[cell phone rings]

-Oh, it's Dr. Runningstream. -Oh, tell him I said hello.

-Hello? Yeah... -I didn't hear a hello.

Stop it, Mom!

I am nice to her! Okay, you know what? You don't even know me.

Well, fine. Goodbye!

[scoffs]

Well, Mom, I guess I don't have to eat your shit anymore.

-Whoa, with that language. -Aw. I see.

What did he say was wrong with you?

Well, he just said I'm under enormous amount of stress

and just to alleviate the stress. And the stress that I can see

is standing in my kitchen right now.

-Well, uh, Joel, I guess that means... -[groans]

...we have to go back to our Airbnb and pack our bags

because we're clearly not being of service here.

In fact, it's just the opposite.

That's for you. I'm not gonna waste my Weight Watchers points for nothing.

She didn't mean that. Maria, tell your mom you didn't mean that.

I think I meant it.

You know what, guys? I'm gonna... I'm gonna sign the post-nup.

That's the spirit, boy.

I will not sign that ever!

All right, Joel, let's go back to our beautiful home

while we still have it.

[grunts]

-Bye, bean. -[Maria] Bye, Papi.

[door opens and closes]

-Maria, what are you doing? -I thought you would be proud of me.

I stood up for myself.

I am proud of you, in theory.

But, you're picking the wrong battle here.

-[sighs] -You know, we should sign this.

What kind of upside down world am I living in?

Is this, uh, season two of Stranger Things?

Do I need to write an alphabet on the wall for you, Scott?

Why is no one on my side?

It's just you might be on the wrong side of this issue.

Well, I am gonna go sleep in the attic!

[grunts]

Okay, Maria, we... we don't have an attic.

We do now!

[Nighthawk screeches]

[softly] Thank you.

-[groaning] -[bell rings]

[continues groaning]

You're still experiencing abdominal distress, Maria?

Hello, Dr. Runningstream.

I thought your stress pains would've gone

when you ran your mother out of town.

-How did you know that? -I follow Marilyn on Instagram.

This is how you treat your mother?

You're a phony.

-[groans] -Places, places. Peter Coyote's on set.

And any women on their menses, just please leave the premises immediately.

Yeah. I'm good on that account.

[indistinct chatter]

FYI.

-[bell rings] -And, action.

[Nighthawk screeches]

[gruffly] Nighthawk. Chief Moonbear.

You must stand down.

I know the white man did not ask permission to build a well on your land,

but you must see that water will be a boon to all those under the sun.

It is too late.

We have already danced the war dance.

And we will fight to the death to defend grand Mother Earth.

[Nighthawk screeches]

Good call, Nighthawk.

This is our fight, and we will battle to the end.

Nighthawk says it is the principle that matters.

And never trust white folks.

They pretend to have treats, but they don't. It is not funny.

I see where you're coming from, and yet I must ask you not to fight.

You're fighting the wrong battle.

[Nighthawk screeches]

[in normal voice] Wait, I'm fighting the wrong battle.

Scott's right. I'm fighting the wrong battle.

He signed the post-nup, no problem. I should sign it.

I mean, that would stop the fighting, right?

For the first time in two weeks, I do not have stomach pains.

Dr. Runningstream, what do you think that means?

Maybe the cure wasn't resistance.

The cure was capitulation.

[gruffly] I think you're right.

I need to make things right with my mama.

-I'm sorry. -[softly] Go, go, go.

I must leave you.

Look for her where the river breaks to meet the sea.

What's that?

Uh, she's at the Delta Gold Medallion Club

for elite and platinum travelers. She just posted. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Thank you, my Indian friend. And I mean that in both ways.

Yes! Yes, okay, launch the dog.

[Nighthawk screeches]

[Nighthawk screeches]

[captain over PA] Cabin crew, prepare for departure.

[grunting and groaning] Ow! Ow!

[panting] Hello. Hello. Mom!

-Hey, bean. -Maria, what are you doing here?

[panting] I bought a ticket.

You were right. I was wrong. And here's the signed post-nup.

-Oh, my goodness. Joel, look at that. -I know I don't need a fecal transplant,

but I would very much like to eat your shit.

-Whoa. -Whoa. [chuckles]

I want to be my own person,

but that doesn't mean I have to always have my own way.

I know that it's important to you that I have a big traditional wedding,

so if Scott and I need to do another wedding, we'll do it.

And we'll do it your way.

Oh, Maria, I don't understand

what happened to make you change your mind,

but I do understand the part about the big wedding and I just...

That's all that matters to me.

-[chuckles] -[Marilyn] Oh, thank you.

-All right. I better go. Okay. -[Marilyn] All right. See you.

[captain] Ladies and gentlemen, cabin doors are closed.

-Please take your seats. -You're flying with us.

-Uh, okay. -Honey, you're coming to...

-All right. -Take the window seat.

Oh, this is fun, just like our old family trips. I can't believe it.

Look, Maria, here's a nice banana and a little snack of trail mix.

-[Joel] I brought the crossword. -[Marilyn] Dad brought the crossword.

-[Joel] Both of them. -[Marilyn] Great. Oh, it's just...

[Nighthawk screeches]

Very nice.

In formation. There you go. Very nice. Wobble away.

Mike, got good posture there. Got good rhythm.

Good melody. You gotta feel it.

Right, feel it? It's like an orchestra.

Very good. Not too loud.

Good, find the rhythm and the melody. Right.

You're wobblin' it. You're wobblin' it!

Right!

Right! Wobble!

[western music playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0