Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:08,758 --> 00:00:10,552
-[TV playing indistinctly]
-[groaning]
2
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:14,847
[Bert] He's burning up.
Blueberry, more ice chips!
3
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:18,185
And turn the TV off. Scott hates golf.
4
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,729
Aw, thank you, guys.
5
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:27,027
[Bert] ♪ Little boy Scotty
Sick in his bed ♪
6
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:33,283
♪ He's got a fever deep in his head ♪
7
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,037
How ya feelin', apple peelin'?
8
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,164
[Bert] Maria, we just got him down!
9
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:41,124
[Scott] Oh, guys, it's... it's okay.
10
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,709
I guess you could say I feel really...
11
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:45,002
[coughing] I feel sick to the core.
12
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,172
Well, I have the souplution!
13
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:51,176
Campbell's Chunky Clam Chowder!
Right there.
14
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,724
-That's it?
-Yeah, soup. That's what you wanted.
15
00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,561
[gasps] Oh, my God. Yes, and...
16
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,646
-there is a fork.
-[chuckling]
17
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,815
You can eat it with a fork
because it's so thick.
18
00:01:05,898 --> 00:01:07,859
[Bert] Jesus Christ, what is she doing?
19
00:01:07,942 --> 00:01:09,194
Thank you.
20
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,862
Oh, and while you're nomming away on that,
21
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,864
I was thinking maybe you could answer
some of the things
22
00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,282
in our love lab workbook?
23
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:17,285
[Bert] Maria, stop it!
Visiting hours are over.
24
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:19,204
-Sorry.
-[grunts] Thank you, honey.
25
00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:20,830
Feel better, sweet cheeks.
26
00:01:20,913 --> 00:01:22,874
-That's really sweet.
-[door closes]
27
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:27,337
[Bert] ♪ Little boy sleeping
Trying to rest ♪
28
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:33,176
[Bert and Blueberry] ♪ He's got congestion
Deep in his chest ♪
29
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,887
[theme music playing]
30
00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:55,240
And that is when I knew that Loni Anderson
would be forever in my life.
31
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,200
Ah.
32
00:01:57,950 --> 00:01:59,494
And, pause.
33
00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:01,204
-[recorder button clicks]
-Bruce, how's it going?
34
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,081
I'm producing an audio book version
of my smash hit memoir,
35
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:06,042
Here and Ben-Bacharach Again,
36
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,461
previously available only
as a Microsoft Word document.
37
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,922
I'd like you to voice
the part of Loni Anderson
38
00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:13,550
in chapter four, "The Loni Years."
39
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,927
[gasps] Bruce, I would love to help.
40
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:22,142
I had no idea how fulfilling it was
to take care of other people.
41
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,060
You know how they always say
people who work in health care
42
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,312
and retirement homes are--
43
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,479
Are always skimming?
44
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:29,899
No, that they're happy
'cause they spend their lives--
45
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:31,693
Ejaculating for cash?
46
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,239
No, Bruce. Taking care of other people.
47
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,658
Like I've been taking care of Scott.
48
00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:41,369
'Cause he has the flu,
and I brought him some soup.
49
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,746
Ah! Wonderful! "The Jewish penicillin."
50
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,540
Uh, Nate 'n Al's? Canter's?
51
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:48,626
Uh, no,
it's Campbell's Chunky Clam Chowder.
52
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:52,171
Ooh, that is, uh, unorthodox.
Stove top or microwave?
53
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:53,548
No, I just handed him the can.
54
00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:56,426
-Oh, dear Lord.
-What?
55
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,886
Maria, I was once the soup concierge
56
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,432
in a very popular young boys'
juvenile detention center in Norwalk.
57
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,895
You must understand, the type of soup
58
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:10,064
is absolutely crucial
to whatever ails you.
59
00:03:10,147 --> 00:03:12,359
Go ahead. Name any human problem.
60
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,193
Uh, you're late on the rent.
61
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,612
Next one. Pass.
62
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:18,072
-Syphilitic psychosis?
-Italian wedding soup.
63
00:03:18,155 --> 00:03:20,283
-Next?
-Overmedication of adolescence.
64
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,368
Navy bean.
65
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,912
And for a touch of a flu,
you need piping hot chicken soup.
66
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:26,498
Now, let's see what we have here.
67
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,459
Ye olde English bean,
split pea with ham bits...
68
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,711
Ah! Here we are.
Japanese Jewish chicken noodle.
69
00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:35,006
Oh, Bruce, you keep soup
in your file cabinet?
70
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:37,091
It's actually a novelty refrigerator.
71
00:03:37,174 --> 00:03:38,968
Personal gift of Ben Vereen.
72
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:41,804
Oh, it's delicious!
73
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:42,847
[chuckles]
74
00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:44,599
If you ever stop being a manager,
75
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,601
you could definitely
get into the soup business.
76
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:49,061
-What do you mean by that?
-Just that the soup is good.
77
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:51,898
No, no, I heard the words,
but your intention was sort of weighted.
78
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,024
Are you gonna fire me?
79
00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:55,943
'Cause if so, tell me now, so I can make
the appropriate soup for myself.
80
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,195
Bruce, I am not firing you.
81
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,823
But can I take this to Scott
before his fever breaks?
82
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,200
Of course, of course.
Go, my angel. It's fine.
83
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,583
Aloha, sleepy!
84
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,253
Oh, sorry, you have company.
I'll come back.
85
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:16,756
-Maria! [coughing]
-Oh, yes. Oh, hi! Hi!
86
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,966
Oh, my God, Jessica,
I didn't recognize you there.
87
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,511
-How you're sitting on the bed and--
-Jessica just brought me soup.
88
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,264
Bringing soup and I was...
I was out getting some soup, but, uh--
89
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,723
Just brought him his favorite.
90
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,600
Wor Wonton from Green Dragon.
91
00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,644
-Oh, Green Dragon.
-Green Dragon!
92
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,979
[Scott] It's what we always used to eat
when we got sick,
93
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,565
back when we were roommates
94
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,567
and became best friends
at Exposition University.
95
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,151
-Go Pipes!
-Go Pipes!
96
00:04:37,234 --> 00:04:40,613
[chuckling] Okay. Well, I'll just...
I'll just top you off then.
97
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,325
-Yeah, yeah.
-Oh, what? Yeah, you know, I just...
98
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,285
-Ooh!
-Oh, I'm so full.
99
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:46,786
Oh, no, you... It's fine, it's fine.
100
00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:49,956
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, no. No more. Thank you.
101
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,874
-Let's put it in the fridge and I'll...
-Okay, okay.
102
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,000
-Thank you.
-Okay.
103
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,169
-I'll just eat it later, you know.
-[Maria] No... Yeah.
104
00:04:55,252 --> 00:04:57,046
-[Scott] It looks really good. Thank you.
-Thank you.
105
00:04:57,129 --> 00:04:59,841
All right. I better get going.
Okay? Scott needs his rest.
106
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,760
Oh, yeah, you know what?
I'm completely wiped.
107
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,679
-Thank you so much, Jessica.
-Mmm-hmm.
108
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:08,015
[stammering] Yeah, I'll take care of him,
'cause that's what I do.
109
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,268
I'm a natural nurtureman...
Natch-nurtch, nurtch-natch.
110
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:13,605
-[soothing]
-Yeah, uh, you know what?
111
00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:15,773
I just hope I can rally
for the premiere tomorrow.
112
00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,650
Hey, don't you dare
worry about that, okay?
113
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,819
The most important thing
is that you feel better and get well.
114
00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:23,239
That is the most important thing
and that's exactly what I was gonna say,
115
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,950
except I was thinking of all the important
things I need to do for you!
116
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:27,410
So, you know what? I know you got this.
117
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,037
-You take care of our guy here, okay?
-Thank you. I will, I will.
118
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,623
Go Pipes! All of that.
119
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,957
-[Scott] Yeah.
-Get some sleep, okay?
120
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,125
-[Scott] Yeah. Thank you.
-See you guys!
121
00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:38,463
Oh, Jessica, she is just...
She is so great and so...
122
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,215
-Jessica's the best.
-...pleasant and beautiful.
123
00:05:41,298 --> 00:05:43,676
Yeah. I have a fun idea.
124
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,513
-What's that?
-You could fill this out.
125
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:51,643
It's a grid where you can put in
all your specific hard data
126
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:54,812
of exactly, you know, your personal needs.
127
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,564
So let's say your emotional--
128
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:57,982
[Bert] Maria, enough!
129
00:05:58,065 --> 00:05:59,150
Okay, I'll just put this here
130
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:00,693
just in case if you think
of anything, like,
131
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:03,738
"Oh, my God, I remember
what my favorite breakfast is."
132
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:07,575
What is it? I don't know yet,
'cause you haven't told me.
133
00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:10,327
I haven't learned that,
and I wanna learn those things about you.
134
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:13,039
-Every little nugget I can.
-Maria, the lights.
135
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:17,419
You don't like the light.
You like darkness. I did not know that.
136
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:18,670
-[Scott sighs]
-[door closes]
137
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:22,840
-[Blueberry] Another notebook!
-[Bert] What a shit show.
138
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,843
[Maria] They say we all learn
to nurture from our mothers.
139
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,888
In my case, my mom was distracted
with problems of her own.
140
00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,973
-[bleating]
-I love you so much.
141
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,642
I do, I do, I do.
142
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,143
I can't believe I get to introduce
143
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:38,397
the king and queen of Norway
to all of Duluth.
144
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:41,108
Honey, just sit there quietly
with Tink and work on your speech.
145
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,360
-Okay.
-[Candy] Knock-knock!
146
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:44,821
Candy Coombs, coming in.
147
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,448
-[Marilyn] Hi, Candy.
-[Tink bleating]
148
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,701
Hi! How's the pinnekjøtt going?
149
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:52,579
Well, a lot better now that you're here
with the birch sticks.
150
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,997
I don't know
if it's good enough for royalty.
151
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,167
-So you haven't heard then yet?
-Heard what, hon?
152
00:06:58,250 --> 00:07:01,003
[chuckles] I shouldn't say anything.
153
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:04,841
It is not my place to mix,
but as it turns out...
154
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:07,552
Shirley Nickelson is also
making pinnekjøtt.
155
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,721
-[gasps]
-And she's been brining for weeks.
156
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,014
What?
157
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,225
[Candy echoing] Shirley Nickelson
is also making pinnekjøtt.
158
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,227
And she's been brining for weeks.
159
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:18,145
[bleating]
160
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:25,111
We've all already declared
our dishes weeks ago.
161
00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,863
And I declared pinnekjøtt.
162
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,823
[chuckles] What are you going to do?
163
00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:32,076
Shirley's Shirley. I gotta run, hon.
164
00:07:32,159 --> 00:07:34,328
Let me know if you need more sticks.
[clicks tongue]
165
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,373
[Tink bleats]
166
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,584
[folk music playing]
167
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,755
[indistinct chatter]
168
00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:49,010
"Velkommen, King Olav and Queen Märtha.
169
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:52,054
I'm sorry to hear you arrived at the hall
in a Buick LeSabre.
170
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,223
I know you would have preferred a fjord.
171
00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:56,225
-Hold for laughs." [chuckles]
-[bleats]
172
00:07:56,893 --> 00:08:01,397
Maria, your sister is evil.
She needs to be stopped.
173
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,190
-I don't have a sister.
-Her!
174
00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:05,151
-[bleating]
-Your sister with the horns!
175
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:07,403
She's gonna open the gates of hell.
176
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,238
[scoffs]
177
00:08:09,321 --> 00:08:10,907
Oh, cripes, they're here. They're here!
178
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,702
The king and queen of Norway are here!
Places, everybody.
179
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,123
[bleating]
180
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,336
[humming Norwegian national anthem]
181
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:44,356
[audience applauding]
182
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:51,614
[woman coughs]
183
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:59,080
"Thanks very much to the dulcet tones
of the Duluth Humjabbers."
184
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:00,832
[audience applauding]
185
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:07,379
"Velkommen, to King Olav and Queen Märtha!
186
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:12,301
We promise there's Nor-way
you won't enjoy Duluth.
187
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,596
Hold for laughs."
188
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,138
[laughs]
189
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,726
"On behalf
of the Sons and Daughters of Norway,
190
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:24,271
we're pleased to present you
with some traditional Norwegian dishes.
191
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:29,569
And some of the ladies are quite
the Norwegian dishes themselves."
192
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:32,572
-[laughing]
-Am I right, fellas?
193
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:35,116
-Is this thing on?
-[laughing]
194
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:40,162
"First up, Candy Coombs
with her legendary lutefisk!
195
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:45,376
Um, when Candy Coombs makes lutefisk,
she's not playing around.
196
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,380
And that's funny because a lute,
you play it,
197
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:53,425
it's a musical instrument that is used
in stringed arrangements."
198
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,511
-[chuckles nervously]
-[laughs]
199
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:57,639
[Maria] She got it.
200
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,392
"In keeping with the musical motif,
next up,
201
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,020
a duet of pinnekjøtts
202
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:08,691
by Marilyn Bamford
and also Shirley Nickelson."
203
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,902
-[audience applauding]
-Marilyn Bamford's my mom. [chuckles]
204
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:17,366
Wait! One of the pinnekjøtt plates
is poisoned.
205
00:10:17,449 --> 00:10:18,284
[audience gasps]
206
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:22,288
Which plate is the preferred platter
207
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,791
to prevent the potentates
from potential poisoning?
208
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,627
-[bleats]
-Devil, get thee behind me!
209
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,378
-Get thee behind me!
-[Candy] Marilyn, hon,
210
00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:30,587
you're acting a little squirrely.
211
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,214
-We should take her home.
-Marilyn, let's get some air.
212
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:35,426
Oh, don't you touch me!
He is the devil's disciple!
213
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:38,805
He is the aid to the dark lord.
And he beats me!
214
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:42,141
-[audience gasps]
-Yes, Joel Bamford, MD,
215
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:44,101
-beats his wife!
-[Tink bleating]
216
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,562
Devil daughter, get thee back to hell!
217
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,856
-Get thee back to hell!
-No. No!
218
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,274
-[Maria] Tink!
-[Tink screams]
219
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,278
So, Mom, how are you feeling?
220
00:10:54,361 --> 00:10:59,408
I can't remember exactly what happened,
but I have the feeling
221
00:10:59,491 --> 00:11:04,706
this week is gonna be filled
with a lot of "I'm sorry" days.
222
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,624
-[bleats]
-[sighs] So, what do you think happened?
223
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,002
Honestly, I don't know,
224
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:14,465
but I figured since I haven't had
a seizure in 20 years...
225
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:19,345
why was I taking the medication?
So I stopped.
226
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:20,930
-Oh!
-Not good.
227
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,890
-[sighs]
-Is Tink okay?
228
00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:25,893
You got him in his back legs,
so he didn't feel a thing.
229
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,061
Good.
230
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,063
Why the long face, kiddo?
231
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:32,024
Well, besides you breaking down,
I don't know, I...
232
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,987
I guess I finally thought that maybe
you thought I was funny,
233
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:40,366
but then I realized it was just that
you had lost your marbles.
234
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:43,202
Of course you're funny.
You've always been funny.
235
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:44,787
But why don't you ever laugh?
236
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:48,040
Sweetie, I'm an internal laugher.
237
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:51,919
I laugh on the inside,
where you came from.
238
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:57,633
'Cause in there,
there's always womb for a good joke.
239
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:01,095
-I don't... I don't get it.
-You don't get it?
240
00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:03,389
-[bleats]
-Tink gets it.
241
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:04,431
[chuckles]
242
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:08,435
[Maria] So, I got mixed messages
about nurturing as a kid.
243
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,396
And that's why I was determined
to find out
244
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,481
how to take care of my beloved Scott...
245
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:14,150
at couple's therapy.
246
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,778
Maria, welcome to couple's therapy.
247
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,488
I'm sure you remember my brother,
Karl Grisham.
248
00:12:19,571 --> 00:12:22,491
-What's up?
-You guys are a couple, or...
249
00:12:22,574 --> 00:12:26,829
Um, of course. This is couple's therapy.
250
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,874
Remind me.
So you're stepbrother and sister, or...
251
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:33,169
-No, we are 100% biologique twins.
-[chuckles]
252
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,130
She shares the exact same DNA as me.
253
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:39,008
Sometimes she has a little extra,
if you know what I mean.
254
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,467
[Karen chuckles] All right.
255
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,469
So, what's going on with you and Scott?
256
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,222
Okay, well, Scott's best friend
is Jessica Hu
257
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:48,017
and she knows everything about him,
258
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,895
like his favorite soup.
I mean, how do I get to that point?
259
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,188
-How does that happen?
-Whoa, whoa!
260
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:54,857
-Maria, I gotta stop you right there.
-[Karen] Mmm, mmm, mmm!
261
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,443
-You're fucked. You're really fucked...
-You're stone-cold fucked.
262
00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:58,903
-[Karl] Yeah.
-And you're just...
263
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,321
-Fucked.
-Fucked.
264
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,114
Why? [stutters] What do you mean?
265
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,491
It's what we call
the When Harry Met Sally rule.
266
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,911
-That men and women cannot be friends.
-Can't be friends.
267
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,622
-Come on. That is not true.
-Are you a man?
268
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,625
-Are you a man?
-No.
269
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:15,294
Do you know who won
the big game this fall?
270
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,671
-No.
-Can I help you find the gentlemen's room?
271
00:13:17,754 --> 00:13:19,673
-No!
-Do you have a beautiful penis
272
00:13:19,756 --> 00:13:21,258
-like my brother has?
-Aw!
273
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,886
Can I... can I sidebar with you
in the office for a second?
274
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,097
[Karen] Yeah, just... And just...
275
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,514
[Karl grunts] Oh, God.
276
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,308
I... You know what?
I could just come back.
277
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:31,310
Yeah, just hold tight. Hang tight, Maria.
278
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:32,561
[Karl] Sit right there.
279
00:13:32,644 --> 00:13:34,313
[both grunting]
280
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,316
[Karen clears throat]
281
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,527
[clears throat] So, we've meditated
on your problem.
282
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:44,781
-We think we have a solution.
-Okay.
283
00:13:46,658 --> 00:13:47,659
It's called the Sling-A-Ling.
284
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:51,122
It's a mobile sex swing
for sexy lovers on the go.
285
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,207
Slight drilling required.
286
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,626
Heavy drilling recommended.
287
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:58,212
-That's for sure. [chuckles]
-Mmm. Mmm.
288
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,839
What I want is, like,
for Scott and I to be best friends.
289
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,383
I don't think I'm Scott's best friend.
290
00:14:02,466 --> 00:14:06,178
Right. And that's because
Jessica Hu is controlling his mind
291
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,931
with caring, and communication,
292
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:12,351
and, uh, good old-fashioned anticipation.
293
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:13,895
-Mmm.
-[chuckles]
294
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:18,607
But you can destroy all that by nuking
Scott with your cooze missile, right?
295
00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:22,111
And his ding-a-ling in the Sling-A-Ling.
296
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:23,320
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
297
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,197
We're still working on slogans.
It's not great.
298
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:29,076
But the point is, that once you get Scott
into this bad boy right here,
299
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,870
he's not gonna be saying, "Jessica Hu."
300
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,788
-He's gonna be saying, "Jessica who?"
-[laughs]
301
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:36,542
Like, "Who is that?" With a "W."
302
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,044
-That's really good!
-Thank you.
303
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:42,589
I would totally try that, as soon as
his fever goes down a little.
304
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:44,884
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Maria, Maria, Maria.
305
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,802
This is the best thing for a fever.
306
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,555
You know that old saying.
"Starve a cold. Fuck a fever."
307
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:51,891
[Karen] "Now her man..."
308
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,518
[both] "will never leave her."
309
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:56,228
-[Karl gasps]
-[inhales sharply]
310
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,940
-That's that magic right there, okay?
-Ooh, ooh, ooh.
311
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,816
I've never heard that before.
312
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,944
But I've also never
lived with a man before.
313
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,696
[chuckles] Right. Well, that's how you
ended up in couple's therapy.
314
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:06,697
[sighs]
315
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,657
I'll tell you what,
we're having a special right now, Maria.
316
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:12,453
Two Sling-A-Lings for the price of one.
Can I put you down for two?
317
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,997
It'd be bad business sense not to.
[chuckles]
318
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,249
-Great! Four Sling-A-Lings it is.
-Great.
319
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,292
-Wonderful!
-[Maria] Great!
320
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,005
[door opens]
321
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:25,549
Hey, there, sexy stuff.
322
00:15:25,632 --> 00:15:28,760
-What's going on?
-Oh, I don't know. Nothing.
323
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:33,724
Just a little breastoration hardware.
Get it?
324
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,392
Maria, what are you doing with tools?
325
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,019
I'm just drilling.
326
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:41,065
-[whirring]
-[moaning] My face hole...
327
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:45,361
My sexy face hole
is getting all covered with dust.
328
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,738
-Honey--
-Ooh!
329
00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,823
Honey, be careful.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
330
00:15:49,906 --> 00:15:51,117
[grunting]
331
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,619
I'm gonna hurt you in your pants
332
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:59,125
so you're ready for Jessica Who's
with a W's premiere.
333
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,667
[Scott] I don't think
I'm gonna go to the premiere.
334
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:04,380
Oh, that's 'cause you don't want to go?
You want to stay in bed?
335
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,590
-Yeah.
-[screaming]
336
00:16:06,673 --> 00:16:08,717
-Oh, God!
-[Blueberry] Oh, I think she's being sexy.
337
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,221
-Sex on you! Sex on you!
-Oh, God!
338
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,681
You know what? I'm feeling a bit nauseous.
339
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:15,932
I don't think I'm in the mood.
340
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:20,771
Okay, well... you can fuck a fever.
341
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:21,897
What?
342
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,607
[Bert] Oh, God damn it!
343
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:26,527
Okay, okay. Redact.
Redact, redact, redact, redact.
344
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,070
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, okay.
345
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:31,240
The worst part is,
I'm gonna let Jessica down.
346
00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:34,368
I told her I'd help with the Q and A
after the movie.
347
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:38,247
Here's a crazy idea. Uh, your best friend
could help you out with the Q and A.
348
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,416
Yeah, but Jessica's already doing
the Q and A.
349
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:43,877
Oh, I get it.
She is your ancient best friend
350
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,337
of years and years and years and years.
351
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,256
But I'm talking about me!
352
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,134
-You silly invalid, you shut-in.
-[chuckles]
353
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,136
I could fill in for you.
354
00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:53,637
I could do the Q and A.
355
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,056
[chuckles] Really? You'd do that?
356
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,767
Of course I would.
I'm your lover and best friend.
357
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:02,688
Objectively speaking, so much more
important than just a best friend.
358
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,023
[Blueberry coughs]
359
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,983
Don't you worry
your pretty little head about it.
360
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:13,407
I'm gonna be there at the premiere,
meeting your needs and being a hero!
361
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,534
-Okay?
-[Bert] Oh, boy.
362
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,619
-And if you get a chance...
-Yeah.
363
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,414
-...if you could fill out this grid...
-Ow!
364
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:24,126
...because then I can know
everything about you.
365
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:28,130
-Maybe even more than Jessica knows.
-[whirs]
366
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:32,008
-Okay.
-It's just a small, 130-page grid.
367
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,552
[whirs]
368
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,804
-I know you'd have the time.
-[whirs]
369
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,640
Thank you, honey.
370
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,142
[Blueberry] She bought four Sling-A-Lings.
371
00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:43,895
[Bert] I wonder if they come in size pug.
372
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:49,985
[theme music playing]
373
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,156
[announcer] It's not just entertainment,
374
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,908
it's Elontainment Tonight!
375
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:59,120
Looks like things went full tits up
376
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,206
on the set of Maria Bamford's
new Muskvision TV show, Space Nuts.
377
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:03,374
[Karen] Oh, my God!
378
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:06,042
Kasang! Chuchu! Magic box off.
379
00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:09,088
[in fancy voice] I crippled my co-star.
380
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,922
[stutters] I crippled my co-star.
381
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:14,593
Crippled my co-star,
and then I destroyed the entire show.
382
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:17,304
I heard from your "friend" Susan's
Jew lawyer this morning.
383
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:20,932
She's suing, and I believe the legal term
is, "the fuck off our balls."
384
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:23,477
Oh, no, no, no, no!
385
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,896
Don Jr. would like a word.
It might be the C word.
386
00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,482
-Is Don Jr. here?
-[Don Jr.] Hello, Maria.
387
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:30,901
Oh. Ah!
388
00:18:30,984 --> 00:18:33,945
We need you, Maria,
to get Susan to drop the lawsuit
389
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,740
and to take on
a new central role in the show.
390
00:18:36,823 --> 00:18:40,369
The part of the crippled
Sith Lord general, Phlybygggggxxxezyx.
391
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,163
Phlybygggggezegazyx?
392
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,706
-Phlybygggggezezazyx.
-Phlybygggggezezazygen.
393
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:45,957
[Don Jr.] Phlybygggggxxxezyx.
394
00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:48,419
-Phlybygggggezegazyx?
-Phlybygggggezegazyx!
395
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,462
That's what I just said.
Phlybygggggezegazegez.
396
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:54,300
[Don Jr.] Oh, BT-dubs,
your new rack is testing awesome.
397
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,385
You're gonna want to make them permanent.
398
00:18:56,468 --> 00:19:00,264
I made you an appointment
with the greatest tit doctor in the world.
399
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,682
He'll take care of you.
400
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:04,935
Don, thank you so much.
You're the sweetest.
401
00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:08,647
[Don Jr.] Aw. Thank you. Muah.
Kisses, kisses, muah, muah.
402
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,691
-You're the most darling.
-[Don Jr.] Enjoy.
403
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:11,983
-[squeals]
-Now, get the fuck out of here.
404
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,319
And get that crippled cunt
back on the show!
405
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,321
-Go, go, go, go, go!
-Exit line.
406
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,406
-What?
-Exit line.
407
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,241
How about fuck off? Fuck off!
408
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:20,909
[chuckles] Fuck off!
409
00:19:22,869 --> 00:19:26,707
[chuckles] Oh, babe,
give me some more of those pain pills.
410
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,834
[laughs] They're so good. Ah!
411
00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:30,877
Are you sure you should be taking these?
412
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,754
Aren't they a bad mix
with your psych meds?
413
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,924
-Grow up, Scott.
-I think these things are making you edgy.
414
00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:38,427
[chuckles] I think you're a little eggy.
415
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:42,639
You come home with a set
of jumbo gawangs out of nowhere.
416
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,017
And I know you want to apologize
to Susan for destroying her spine...
417
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,312
-Mmm-hmm.
-But did you have to invite her
418
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,813
to come live with us?
419
00:19:49,896 --> 00:19:53,900
Scott, she's crippled. She needs to heal.
420
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,694
You know, it'll just take a little time.
421
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,154
You'll hardly even notice she's here.
422
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,579
-[whirring]
-[Maria laughs]
423
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:08,081
Hi!
424
00:20:08,164 --> 00:20:11,126
How great is this exoskeleton?
425
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,505
I almost forgot
that my spine was snapped in half
426
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:18,425
and I'm forever gonna be a mechana-woman,
all because of you.
427
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:21,720
I'm so sorry, Susan.
428
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,640
Well... [scoffs] not as sorry
as my ovaries are.
429
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,099
Scott, did Maria tell you?
430
00:20:26,182 --> 00:20:28,852
My ovaries... [mimics explosion]
exploded.
431
00:20:28,935 --> 00:20:31,187
My uterus is like a dustbowl.
432
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:35,526
Bunch of jalopies just roaming
around the countryside.
433
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:38,987
[in Southern accent]
"What's that, pa? We going to Californy?"
434
00:20:39,070 --> 00:20:40,822
[chuckles] Ooh!
435
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:41,990
-Ooh!
-[Susan sighs]
436
00:20:42,073 --> 00:20:45,827
This thing is so sensitive, like a Lexus.
437
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,954
You know what,
we're just happy to have you, Suz.
438
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,874
We're just happy to have you back
on the show, aren't we, Scott?
439
00:20:50,957 --> 00:20:52,626
-Yeah?
-[Maria] Yeah.
440
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:57,256
-Prove it. We're out of bendy straws.
-I'll go get 'em. Maria needs her rest.
441
00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:59,925
No. No.
442
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:03,429
Maria promised me
that she would be my helper monkey,
443
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:05,764
not some dick-limp chimp.
444
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,849
[chuckles] She's right. We had a deal.
445
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,268
You know what,
I'll just take a quick drive
446
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,519
down to the Food 4 Less.
447
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:13,564
No, no, no. You...
Not on those pain pills, you won't.
448
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,399
Oh, okay, fine.
449
00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:17,693
[chuckles] I'll speed walk.
450
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:20,904
Give everyone a chance
to see these twice-baked taters.
451
00:21:20,987 --> 00:21:23,324
Tune in, Tokyo.
452
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:24,741
[both chuckle]
453
00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:26,368
Thank you, Maria.
454
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:30,331
I'd have you get me tampons,
but there's no need for 'em anymore.
455
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:31,582
-[chuckling] No.
-[Susan chuckles]
456
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:34,585
It's like a CBS comedy lineup down there.
457
00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:37,754
Just dead air, coast-to-coast. [chuckles]
458
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,214
-[Maria] I'm closing the door.
-See ya!
459
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:43,802
Speaking of coast-to-coast,
why aren't you fucking me yet?
460
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:44,886
What?
461
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:51,101
-Jesus!
-I am single and ready to jangle.
462
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:53,186
-Look, Susan, I'm married, okay?
-Oh!
463
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,772
[grunts]
464
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,609
Well, it ain't cheating
if you boink the robot half.
465
00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,319
Look, this is insane!
466
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,696
[screaming]
467
00:22:02,779 --> 00:22:04,740
Why, Mr. Scott Marvel Cassidy,
468
00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:07,409
I do believe
you're trying to seduce me. [chuckles]
469
00:22:09,035 --> 00:22:10,662
[whimpering]
470
00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:11,747
[chuckles]
471
00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:14,750
[laughing]
472
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:16,167
[screaming]
473
00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:18,837
-[screaming continues]
-[Susan continues laughing]
474
00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:30,766
[Jessica] As we ate our sushi, I realized
475
00:22:30,849 --> 00:22:34,728
Scott was the best karaoke partner,
the best Frisbee coach
476
00:22:34,811 --> 00:22:37,898
and, of course, the best friend.
477
00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:42,569
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]
478
00:22:42,653 --> 00:22:44,154
Are you kidding me with this?
479
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:48,241
This extremely well-crafted,
heart-wrenching movie
480
00:22:48,324 --> 00:22:51,327
is about best friendship?
481
00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:52,829
I'm sorry. What was that again?
482
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:55,791
I'm calling my best friend, Ted,
that I haven't talked to in 26 years.
483
00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:03,131
Oh, my gosh! Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. Oh!
484
00:23:03,214 --> 00:23:07,511
Um, unfortunately, the co-subject
of my film, and my best friend,
485
00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:09,262
he couldn't be here tonight to join us.
486
00:23:09,345 --> 00:23:13,058
But taking his place is his girlfriend,
Maria Bamford!
487
00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:16,645
[Maria] Fiancée! We're getting married!
488
00:23:16,728 --> 00:23:18,939
Right. He knows my social.
489
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:20,649
-Okay, yeah!
-[laughing]
490
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:22,233
I'm wearing this ring. Ahh!
491
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:24,653
So, we're having fun, but, unfortunately,
492
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:27,322
Scott is a little under the weather
with the flu.
493
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:31,827
But I took him some soup.
And of course that soup was...
494
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:37,916
[crowd] Wor Wonton Soup from Green Dragon
with extra dumplings and wontons!
495
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:39,084
[Jessica squeals] You got it!
496
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:41,962
-Oh, my gosh, have a seat. Are you good?
-Uh, I'm good. Good, good, good.
497
00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:45,090
-Yes, question from the audience?
-Hi. Yes, I really loved the movie.
498
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:48,969
It's just so touching
and so filled with friendship.
499
00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:51,096
-Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you, yeah!
500
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:55,058
I was wondering, what inspired Scott
to become a painter?
501
00:23:55,141 --> 00:23:56,392
-Mmm--
-Oh, you know what?
502
00:23:56,477 --> 00:23:58,353
Actually, I think I could take that.
503
00:23:58,436 --> 00:24:03,233
Scott went outside one day
and he saw everything.
504
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:08,739
And he said, "How do I get
what I have in my eyeball onto paper?"
505
00:24:08,822 --> 00:24:10,949
And then he just began.
506
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:13,660
So... I think that answers your question.
507
00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:18,456
Oh, okay. Also, Scott's favorite aunt
took him to an exhibit at the Tate
508
00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:20,041
-when he was just nine.
-Oh.
509
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:23,962
-Totally changed his life. Remember that?
-Okay, and that... Yeah, that, too.
510
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:26,715
-Follow up question.
-No, there's no more questions from you.
511
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:28,634
Can we get a bottle of water up here?
512
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:32,220
[chuckling] I am just, uh,
wobbly and hot like a flan!
513
00:24:32,303 --> 00:24:34,055
[laughs] Next question.
514
00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:35,223
Hi, Jessica, um...
515
00:24:35,306 --> 00:24:36,725
Well, first of all I just want to say that
516
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:41,021
I'm also a graduate
of Exposition University, so go Pipes!
517
00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:42,355
Go Pipes!
518
00:24:42,438 --> 00:24:44,858
It seemed a little bit like
Scott might have been disappointed
519
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:46,735
by that dinner party you threw together.
520
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:48,904
-Yeah, um, you know--
-Uh, no. I know.
521
00:24:49,780 --> 00:24:52,323
He loves carrots.
And there were not carrots at that party.
522
00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:53,909
And, you know...
523
00:24:55,368 --> 00:24:58,288
You know what, the truth is, as much as
I love Scott, he's my best friend,
524
00:24:58,371 --> 00:25:00,290
he can be really difficult
to read sometimes.
525
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:01,750
I mean, it's just like... [screams]
526
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,293
-[chuckles] You know?
-I don't find him
527
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:04,670
difficult to read at all.
528
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,839
He's easy to read for me
because I'm his best friend and his lover,
529
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:11,176
and I've...
I've really gotten in there many times.
530
00:25:11,259 --> 00:25:12,844
-And, uh... Yeah.
-[Jessica] Oh!
531
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:15,055
Well, you know
a different Scott than I do. [chuckles]
532
00:25:15,138 --> 00:25:16,264
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
533
00:25:16,347 --> 00:25:18,224
You know why? Because Scott sometimes,
534
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:21,603
he has a problem with communicating
what it is that he wants, you know?
535
00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:25,231
So sometimes, it's like, I feel like
he wants me to just read his mind--
536
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:27,192
Okay, you know what? I think you're...
537
00:25:27,275 --> 00:25:28,359
You say you're a best friend,
538
00:25:28,443 --> 00:25:33,198
but then you come at this and say,
to all these strangers,
539
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:34,866
"Oh, he can't express himself."
540
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:37,744
You would never say that
behind someone's back...
541
00:25:37,828 --> 00:25:38,870
if you were a real friend.
542
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:40,831
Behind someone's back.
543
00:25:40,914 --> 00:25:42,749
That's what's wrong!
544
00:25:42,833 --> 00:25:45,335
Absolutely.
But the thing is, Maria, I promise,
545
00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:48,088
if Scott was here,
I would totally say it to his face.
546
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:50,340
-Really?
-Yeah!
547
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,759
Ladies and gentlemen, best friendships...
548
00:25:52,843 --> 00:25:57,347
They don't have to be perfect
for them to be meaningful.
549
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,390
What? They don't?
550
00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:01,101
That's what my movie was about, Maria.
551
00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:02,310
I totally got that.
552
00:26:02,393 --> 00:26:03,561
[Jessica] You all got that, right?
553
00:26:03,645 --> 00:26:04,896
[chuckles] Okay, good, good.
554
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:07,440
-You're so perfect!
-No!
555
00:26:07,523 --> 00:26:11,194
You got a perfect movie,
you got a perfect outfit!
556
00:26:11,277 --> 00:26:15,323
And now you said that you're not perfect
in front of a whole group of people,
557
00:26:15,406 --> 00:26:19,494
which again reiterates the fact
that you are truly perfect!
558
00:26:20,871 --> 00:26:22,914
[crowd gasping]
559
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:29,254
I'm so sorry. Oh, no!
Never forgive me. Never forgive me!
560
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:31,840
[door closes]
561
00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:33,634
Thanks, everybody, for coming out.
[chuckles nervously]
562
00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:35,761
Best Friends, the movie.
Tell your best friends.
563
00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:43,769
I really gotta call Jessica and apologize.
I just totally ruined her premiere.
564
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:46,021
No, you didn't.
565
00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:49,190
She called this morning to check on you.
Said it was no big deal.
566
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:51,860
The most important thing
is for you to get well.
567
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:55,822
Of course she did. She's so freaking cool.
568
00:26:55,906 --> 00:26:59,826
And this soup from Green Dragon
is so good! [slurps]
569
00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:02,078
Yeah, don't you think soup tastes better
when it's heated up?
570
00:27:02,162 --> 00:27:04,956
I didn't think it would, but it does.
571
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:09,419
I'm so sorry that I brought you soup
in a can and I barfed on your best friend.
572
00:27:09,502 --> 00:27:11,713
[snorts] Hey, you're my best friend.
573
00:27:11,797 --> 00:27:12,798
Really?
574
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:16,467
I know I'm not the best at telling people
what I need, which is kind of ironic,
575
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:20,513
since I graduated with a master's in
communication from Exposition University.
576
00:27:20,596 --> 00:27:22,473
-Go Pipes.
-But from now on, I promise
577
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:24,475
I'll just tell you
what kind of soup I want.
578
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:26,895
-I would really appreciate that.
-Maybe I won't have to.
579
00:27:28,354 --> 00:27:29,397
-[gasps]
-'Cause you'll have this.
580
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,567
-My grid!
-Our grid.
581
00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:34,402
And that's about way more than just soup.
582
00:27:34,485 --> 00:27:38,949
And you broke it down into sections,
just like I like it.
583
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,616
It took me about 11 hours.
584
00:27:40,701 --> 00:27:44,079
You know what I realized, Scott?
There are no shortcuts.
585
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:47,540
Best friendship takes time.
It's just like soup, you know?
586
00:27:47,623 --> 00:27:50,711
You've gotta pay attention to it,
otherwise the bottom burns.
587
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:55,716
[Bert] Speaking of burning bottoms,
I burned Blueberry's bottom this morning.
588
00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:58,134
[Blueberry] He did. Sling-A-Ling!
589
00:27:58,218 --> 00:27:59,803
-[chuckles]
-You guys!
590
00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:03,098
[upbeat music playing]
591
00:28:03,148 --> 00:28:07,698
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
47740
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
