Original subtitles

[chuckles nervously]

-Who are you again? -I am Gayle.

I am Larissa's spiritual surrogate and legal counsel.

Due to the events on the night of her re-birthday,

heretofore referred to as the Bowl-e-oki Betrayal,

she has filed paperwork with the DA for assault against the both of you.

-[Maria gasps] -Assault?

She also wanted me to mention that the next time that you see her,

she'll be in séance mode and would like you to ask why.

Okay. Why?

So she can communicate to people who are dead to her.

Hold for laugh.

Let the record show I am Periscoping your reaction.

And I'm going to give that a few hearts.

Now, she will accept an apology.

This is a hot microphone, and I mean that in no less than three ways.

Okay, so you want us to apologize to her now?

-But Larissa isn't here. -My client is in an undisclosed location,

but she will be astral projecting into this very moment.

-Larissa, are you there? -[wind whistles]

-Oh. She's on. -Okay. This is insane. I'm out of here.

Hey, Scott. No. We need to take this seriously.

Larissa has a lien on our house.

-This woman's your friend? -She's my best friend.

Oh, best friend status confirmed. That's gonna go a long way with the judge.

Now speak into the microphone and state your apology.

-[feedback] -Stand.

Uh... Hi.

I just wanna apologize that I said that Larissa was a bad assistant.

And I do not find her at all useless.

-Excellent. -Thank you.

-Scott? -Babe, please don't make me do this.

You have to.

Please stand.

Yes. I am so very, very sorry for saying she was a nightmare.

[Larissa over speakers in Jamaican accent] Rude boy, Scott, I accept your apology!

Rude boy, Scott, da rhythm is a-callin' me!

Rude boy, Scott, intoxicate me like cola wine!

You're a rude boy, Scott.

Okay, that's it. I'm out of here.

[theme music playing]

I just feel so much better now that everyone's getting along.

Just don't make me apologize into the microphone again, okay?

You did great.

It's not about how I did. It's about how it made me feel.

Well, I know a way I can make you feel better.

[both chuckling]

Surprise!

[screams]

-[Marilyn] Whoa! -Mom?

-Holy moly. You almost took my head off. -Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I believe introductions are in order.

I'm Marilyn Bamford. You must be Scott.

Mrs. Bamford, I'm so sorry about the lamp.

Oh, forget about it. You were protecting my girl, and I sure like that.

Mom, what are you doing here? And... and how did you get in the house?

Listen to this one.

Haven't seen her in four months and no big hug, big kiss.

-Sweetie, you know what? -Okay.

I got a key made the last time I was here. It's just so much easier.

And I wanted to surprise both of you and come to town for Scott's big art show!

-Oh, wow. -How did you know about that?

Larissa, silly. I called her for her re-birthday.

And you two should apologize to her. Poor thing.

Where do you live, Scott?

-I live very close. I... -On the block?

Uh, no, actually. Here with Maria.

-We're living together. -Yeah.

Oh.

You're living together here,

-in this house? -Yes. Yes, yes.

-Yeah. -Oh, my God.

I mean, we talk in great detail about Bert's anal glands getting expressed

but not one peep about a major relationship milestone?

I mean, that's just funny to me.

Oh, you know what? Let's unpack you.

Mom, all... all this is, uh, no big deal. You know, now you've met Scott.

And we're all together now, and that's all that matters.

Hey, you know Maria.

She probably wanted to keep it low-key, right?

Yes, I do know Maria.

She came out of my vagina, feet first.

Nobody knows Maria better than I do.

[chuckles] I mean, I know her pretty well.

-Yeah. -[Scott chuckling]

Scott, it's not a contest, but if it was...

I'd win.

Well, Maria hates contests, so I guess that's one point for me.

You both know me so well. [chuckles nervously] It's a tie.

Please stop.

You probably don't know this

because she sure as shoot isn't telling anybody anything,

but I'm a trained therapist. Unlicensed.

And I am sensing some antagonism towards authority from you,

and it typically stems from a chaotic childhood.

In my personal experience, uh,

snap psychological evaluations of people you just met

stem from a need to control any situation.

You're on the defensive, Scott.

It's natural to lash out at innocent parties

who are only trying to find out what you're hiding.

[chuckles] I'm not hiding anything. I'm... Just ask Maria.

You know, we are probably all having low blood sugar. Time for supper.

I could eat something. That's a great idea.

You know what? I'll have a nap until then. Bye!

The Roller Jam skater contest is in a week.

[squeals] It's couples only. Ooh! [chuckles]

-Are you signed up? -No. I'm not big on contests.

I'm more of a, like, soul spiritual skater.

[sniffs] What's that smell?

Oh, it's chicken shit.

[clucks] Bye!

♪ Long ago ♪

♪ And, oh, so far away ♪

♪ I fell in love with you ♪

♪ Before the second skate ♪

♪ Don't you remember You told me you loved me, skater ♪

♪ Skater, skater, skater, skater Oh, skater ♪

♪ I love to skate ♪

♪ Skating's really great ♪

[chuckles] So, I know this may sound crazy

because we just met and skate-dueted spontaneously,

but do you want to, I don't know, maybe, partner up for the Roller Jam?

[chuckles]

Well, I have to check and see if I'm free.

-I'm free. -[both laughing]

I've never felt so free!

Oh. [panting]

Hey, Susan, hon. What an adorable outfit.

I wish Maria would dress like a girl. Have you seen Maria?

[Susan] Yeah, she's spazzing around over there.

Well, that's impossible. She's skating with a boy.

-[whistling] -[people screaming]

Uh, that's my mom's whistle. [chuckles] I better jet.

Wait. You gonna skate tomorrow?

Uh... I never usually sometimes don't not skate.

[stammers] Yes.

-Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, then. -See you tomorrow.

Oh, Maria, I am just so thrilled

you decided to enter that Roller Jam contest.

You know, competition is good for you. It's what built America.

Sheesh, Mom. I'm not trying to build America.

I'm just trying to skate the best... the best I can.

And no one is happier about you having the chance to win

that gift certificate to Perkins than me.

But, a word of warning.

I know how boys are.

[sighs]

So just remember to keep that chemistry with that new, young rink buck...

-in the rink. -Why?

Bill's just a regular kid.

No, trust me. He's different.

[scoffs] Okay. Bill's the same as all the other skater boys on eight wheels.

And we are all equals under the fluorescent lights.

You may think so, Maria, but society sure as heck doesn't.

So take my advice and be very careful with this one, okay?

Mom, I'm a 16-year-old white girl from northern Minnesota

and I just read an article in Seventeen magazine

about the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

So I think I know who I can and cannot skate with.

You should read that article. [scoffs]

It's in the den!

-[upbeat music playing] -[cheering]

[announcer] Let's give it up for Susan Beeber

and her smoking hot brother, Justin Beeber.

They're so skilled.

Yeah, they're damn good. But you, you've got...

[chuckles] You have something they'll never have.

-Timelessness. -Is it because

I'm four months older than you?

[chuckles] Maria, you're four months wiser, too.

Hmm, Bill. [chuckles]

[upbeat music continues playing]

[announcer] Thank you to couple number 46,

Susan and Justin Beeber!

-[Susan] Top that, roller turds. -[crowd cheering]

Ooh, hey! Maybe skate on by Perkins later?

We'll probably be there with our crowns and our certificates.

Ooh, maybe we'll save you a jalapeño popper!

Not! All right. Come on, Justin. Let's jet.

[announcer] Next up, couple number 47,

that hot chocolate roller, Bill Snemis,

and his marshmallow princess, Maria Bamford!

[cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

-[all cheering] -[announcer] Thank you, couple number 47.

Oh, Joel, you're a real Jimmy bad-timing.

-You just missed Maria's routine. -[cheering continues]

[Maria laughing]

[announcer] And ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a tie.

Can I please have couples number 46 and 47?

It's time for a good old-fashioned skate-off!

I feel so scared. I've never been in a skate-off.

-What if I'm not good enough? -[sighs] You are good enough, Maria.

Together...

we're the best.

[chuckles] Oh! It's my dad. Uh, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hey, Dad, did you see my new routine?

We're in the skate-off at the championships!

Well, I didn't catch your routine, jellybean,

but I did just see you kissing your cousin.

My cousin? No, I was kissing Bill.

-Exactly. Bill's your cousin. -What?

Yeah. He's your mother's sister's boy from her first marriage.

What... Aunt Carol has a son?

She has a bunch of 'em. We invite her to Thanksgiving every year,

but she's already cranking out another batch.

Luckily, Bill lives with his handsome,

responsible engineer father in Thief River Falls.

Oh, my God. I just kissed my cousin.

And I feel kind of sick.

Uh... You knew this all along, Mom?

Yeah, you goose.

Why do you think I was worried about skatin' leading to datin'?

[stammers] I thought it was because Bill... Bill is black.

Maria, what kind of monster do you think I am?

I love all races.

But why didn't you tell us we were cousins?

We still could have skated together.

Well, sweetie, it was the very first time I have ever seen

that spark of competitive fire in your eyes and I didn't wanna...

mess with that chemistry.

Because sexual tension is the crucible in which champions are forged.

Just look at the Green Bay Packers.

Now what do I do?

Sweetie, go out there and blue ball the heck out of your cousin.

Do it for the family, bean.

-[crowd cheering] -[upbeat music playing]

-[Bill] So, Maria... -[Maria] Yeah.

I know we never stuck it in practice,

but I say we try the Backwards Pantless Reverse Dragon.

Bill's your cousin.

Maybe we should keep the pants on the dragon.

It's okay. Everyone's nervous their first time.

Blue ball the heck out of your cousin.

I'm not ready!

-No. Maria, we're doing it, okay? -No!

-Do it for the family, bean. -[grunts]

-Maria! -No. No.

-Green Bay Packers. -Maria, we're doing it!

[bleats]

-[Maria] No! -[screams]

[crowd gasping]

Oh, my God! [cries]

[all exclaiming]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, our new Roller Jam winners,

Susan Beeber and her sizzling, fuck hot brother, Justin!

Oh, Maria, if only you had blindly obeyed me,

you'd be the one up there with the Perkins certificate

and Bill wouldn't have lost his legs.

Mom, he still has his legs.

Not for long, sweetie, so let this be a lesson to you.

In life and love...

never question your mother.

[Dagmar] So I go back to get the bartender's number.

They said he's been dead for 30 years.

[gasps] Bruce, he was a ghost.

Oh, my God. I'm getting goosebumps.

Chilling tale of love thwarted by the macabre.

-[Marilyn] Yes. -I just have to say to you all.

This means so much to me to get to spend time with you.

So many blessings.

-Who is this guy? -Some jack-off.

See, Scott?

I told you. Everyone's laughing, getting along.

Okay, Maria. Bruce and Dagmar, I get.

That guy? Gayle? You had to invite him?

Do you really think I need this many buffers to be with your mom?

Yes, I do. And Gayle is lonely and...

and, you know, it... it's a win-win for everyone.

Okay, you know what the real problem is?

Your mom infantilizes you and she tries to infantilize everyone around her.

That is not true.

Maria, I've noticed something on your cheek.

-Oh. -Here. It looks like tar.

Speaking of tar, I used to represent Ben Vereen.

[Maria] Oh.

This one time, I actually dropped his glasses

-in the La Brea Tar Pits. -[all exclaim]

Fortunately, I was able to rescue them,

but those glasses were never the same again and neither was our relationship.

You can read the whole story in my upcoming memoir,

Here and Ben-Bacharach Again.

Now available as a Microsoft Word document.

Well, how wonderful. I'm gonna check that out.

-Thank you, Marilyn. -[Marilyn] What about you, Scott?

How do we find out more interesting stories about you?

I'm an open book. Ask me anything.

-What was your childhood like? -Oh, boy.

-I wanna hear about this. -Yeah, I love a tale of youthful whimsy.

Let me see. My dad was a drunk.

Uh, he used to throw knives at us and I lived in fear the whole time.

And we had a rabbit named Tilley.

Okay, here we go. I was trained for this.

Scott, I have news for you.

There is absolutely no shame in being from a violent family.

I never said I felt shame.

Even though terrible things happened to you, it wasn't your fault.

I never thought it was.

-[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah. -Your father was the knife thrower.

-Not you. -Yeah, I know. I was there.

I actually dodged all those knives. [chuckles]

Well, you may have dodged the knives,

but did you dodge the damage in your mind?

That's the question.

You know what, I shouldn't have said anything.

Mom, did you know

that Dagmar just got her horseshoeing certification?

But, Scott, why don't you wanna to talk about it?

Did you know that children of violent offenders

have a 94% chance of becoming violent themselves?

Mom, Scott's fine. I mean, he's not violent at all.

Well, there's a lamp back at the house that might tell a very different story.

It was instinct.

Scott, I understand. But you are angry. Do you know what anger is?

It's just fear with a red wig on.

On the outside, yes, you're a grown up man,

but I think, on the inside, you're an angry little boy.

I'm not an angry little boy.

[Gayle chuckles]

Look at Scott. He looks like a little baby. [laughs]

-You now what? Fuck this! -[Maria] Oh!

Fuck you, Gayle!

[Marilyn] You're doing the work. You're doing the work.

-Shaking hands with your shadow. Good! -Mom.

[sighs] I'm gonna go after him.

Oh. Gayle, don't.

[men] Du-dum!

[theme music playing]

[in fancy voice] Hey, Scott. We really did praise Yarklon today.

You know, the space turkey god to whom

we give subsonic thanks for his galactic bounty.

-Praise be his space feathers. -Mmm.

Could you be a dear and raise the Gravitron three clacklacks?

[devices whirring]

♪ Space chicken leg Space turkey leg ♪

How's this?

Oh. How's this?

Oh.

[chuckling] Okay. That's it. Yeah!

Anybody wanna scrape my plate?

Now kiss them! Now kiss them!

-[both laughing] -I kiss both of them?

Yeah. Do it! Kiss them! Three-way tongue and tonsils!

I don't... I don't feel comfortable.

[chuckles nervously]

[yells] And...

cut!

I don't feel good. My tum-tum hurts.

-[speaking gibberish] -Oh, oh...

Those big, beautiful titties take all your brain power?

What the fuck, Maria? [speaks gibberish]

[laughs] They're made of rubber and foam.

Listen, I've just been blindsided by all the script changes and whatnot.

-Get your tongue ready. Let's go. -Okay. Okay.

The show is getting... How do I say it?

Very science fiction and porny.

Why is Susan in this show,

and I don't understand what it has to do with mental illness.

I just need Bruce 'cause I feel anxious. Where is Bruce?

Look, Don Jr.'s run the numbers. He likes Susan and the space shit.

And if you don't think that sci-fi is about mental illness,

then you clearly haven't seen the last two films that Matt Damon did.

-I haven't, no. -You do want to be a success, don't you?

[laughs]

-Yes! -Fuck, yes!

Let's set those tit rockets to motorboat

because you are about to give an over-the-pants hand job to success,

and big bang out the next motherfucking Milky Way.

Get back on that set and tongue kiss your best friend!

-Fuck, yes! Come on! -Okay.

[Karen grunting rhythmically]

It's time to infiltrate the Krylex Mines to see first-hand

how the brownlings who create

the reasonably-priced products are treated.

[Susan] Oh!

I'm gonna scale this cliff.

See what's going on.

Uh, hey, Karen, I just had a thought.

What if I said Maria's line?

Because I feel like Susan's more the heroic one in this scene.

Hold on, Su-Su-Sudio! I'm gonna ask Don Jr.

[beeping]

[Maria] Uh-oh.

[laughing] You asshole!

Don Jr. loves it! Take Maria's line.

Keep it loose. Have fun with it!

Okay! Thanks, DJ. Thanks KG! [kisses]

Susan, what are you doing?

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I am destroying your show from the inside out.

And there t'aint nothing you can do about it.

The hell I can't.

[chuckles] I'm the executive producer.

That means my name is in little letters at the beginning of the show.

That also means that I can have Diet Coke tall boys

and Starkist tuna pouches any time I want.

I can also criticize the first season.

Number one. Why so many blow jobs?

Blow jobs are an art form

and really deserve respect and character development.

Number two. The race episode.

[scoffs] Written by an entirely white team of writers.

Yikes.

Number three. The bisexual meth addict.

Bisexuals are not promiscuous.

It turns out, it's projection.

I was a dirty bird.

I ended up at the Hollywood Planned Parenthood where the diagnosis was,

"How did you let it get so bad?"

At the Hollywood Planned Parenthood, 1994.

Who are you talking to?

And you know what? This is season one of your show.

Oh.

And yeah, you know what? You may be an executive producer,

but you're not the showrunner.

That's Mitch Vandermitch's job.

I got him so cock-dazzled [chuckles]

that I can do whatever I want to your little show.

Don Jr. loves me, and so does Karen.

So that just leaves tiny, little, fragile you to stop me.

[laughing]

Go to hell! [screams]

[screaming]

-[people exclaiming] -[Susan grunts]

Hey, Dennis! Get me the Vic Morrow forms.

[mouthing] Jesus Christ!

[Maria in sing-song] Good morning.

Look who's finally awake.

I made your favorite. Hot dog and eggs.

I don't really eat hot dogs anymore.

Oh. Elizabeth Taylor doesn't like hot dogs anymore. What about Scott?

Is he too good for America, too?

No. He's gonna eat breakfast later

'cause he's getting stuff ready for the big art show.

Really? And maybe pout a little bit, too?

No, he's not pouting.

He looked pretty pouty when I looked in your room this morning.

Please don't look in our room, Mom.

Well, believe me, I wish I hadn't.

It's a mess. I'm gonna go up there later and fiddle with things.

Please don't.

Honey, I have something to say to you right now

as a therapist, and as a friend, but not as your mother.

-Do you follow me? -Yes.

Scott is an incomplete adult.

I'm sorry. I had to say it.

I'm your mother and I'm the only one who's always been there for you.

Scott has been there for me, Mom.

He may be there for you now, Maria, but what happens

when the damage comes out again?

Take it easy with this one.

You're not exactly an expert in reading men.

I blame your father for that but--

Scott loves me.

I love Scott, okay? So please respect that

and stop treating me like a child!

I don't even want breakfast!

-Calm down, sweetie. -You calm down, sweetie!

[Scott sighs]

Bert, I'm so embarrassed I freaked out at dinner.

And now I'm making it worse by hiding out here.

It's just, Maria should've stood up for me.

She didn't even tell her mom we're living together.

It's just like she's way more concerned about what everyone else thinks.

[Bert] You fucking baby!

Do you want me to run out to Food 4 Less and get you a package of di-a-pers?

Wah-wah. Goo-goo. Act like a man.

That's pretty hurtful.

Maybe, but like Shakespeare said, and later was co-opted and paraphrased

by a certain English musical genius, Nick Lowe...

"You have to be cruel to be kind."

[puffs]

Maria doesn't exist in a vacuum, dear Scott.

She wasn't hatched out of an egg like some sort of hive queen.

She has a strong mother and mostly-absent father.

Maria's family and friends have been around longer than you, Scott.

You need to help her deal with them

instead of letting them trigger all of your issues.

You're worried about her defending you? Who cares? Take one for the team.

For Christ's sakes, they'll be gone in two days.

I ate a gym sock that took longer to come out of my asshole.

[groans]

It's time to break the cycle,

so you and Maria can become a new family of your own.

Okay, but how do I do that?

Don't shut down. Talk to Marilyn. Accept her foibles.

You can start by being charming as fuck at your art opening tonight.

That's how you help Maria, my precious shithead.

[chuckles] You called me precious.

Of course I did. Anyone Maria invites into her life is precious to me.

-I love you, Scott, you fucking baby. -I love you, too, Bert.

[chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

-Hey. -Hey!

-I was looking for you all day. -I was hanging out with my mom.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't come down for breakfast. I'm sorry I hid in my room.

I just shut down and acted like a child. And know what? I'll make it up to you.

When your mom visits, you shouldn't have to worry about me.

-You should only have to worry about her. -Ooh.

From here on out, I'm gonna be charming and delightful

for the two and half weeks we're around her twice a year.

Well, then I need to back you up more.

[sighs] It's just that she makes me feel like I'm 14 years old, and...

that wasn't a very good age for me.

You know what? I don't think it was a good age for anyone.

But I need to break the pattern and stop dragging you into it.

I can handle it.

You know what? If things get really hectic, I can always use my lamp.

-Ah! -[chuckles]

See? I'm joking about violence.

-Yes. That's growth. -Yeah.

Scott, oh, my God!

-[gasps] Did you talk to Bert? -I did.

[snickers]

-He is so wise. -I know.

You know what? I really should make up with your mom.

Okay.

-I think she's in the fridge. -Oh. Oh!

Look at this.

You see, this is domesticity.

The home. The place Scott never really felt safe in.

So he blew everything up to monstrous proportions,

just like Godzilla.

Mmm. It's marvelous.

-Uh, Mrs. Bamford? -Oh, hi!

Marilyn, look, there's something I... I think I should say to you.

Scott, this is a breakthrough.

As a therapist, I know that you're gonna feel better

when you get this off your chest, honey.

-I agree. -[Marilyn] I, for one, feel happy

just that we're, you know, relating in this open and wonderful way.

Thank you, Scott.

-Thank you. 'Cause I... I think-- -I'm so proud of you, Scott.

I mean, this is what I have been pushing you to do all along.

This is why we do the work.

-For moments like this. -Mom.

-Savor it. -Stop interrupting Scott.

He wants to say something.

And I am here to support him in that, so that he is heard.

Because he is my numero uno and you need to get used to it, okay?

I love Scott.

Get on board. He's my future.

The train's leaving the station.

And that's the Maria-loves-Scott train. Toot-toot. Toot. Toot!

[imitates chugging train]

Scott, you may have the fridge.

Thank you. [chuckles]

[Scott stutters] Well...

Actually, I... I can't remember what I was gonna say,

but there is something else I've been wanting to say for a long time.

Wow! This closes just like a real fridge.

-Oh! Look at this! -[Maria chuckles]

-Oh! -It's magical!

-[laughs] -[stuttering] So, I've been carrying

this around in my pocket for three weeks now...

[gasps]

-[squeals softly] -[Scott] Uh...

Maria Herbert Walker Bamford...

will you marry me?

[gasps]

Oh, my God! Yes! Maria, it's happening!

Yes, yes. She says, "Yes."

Mom, we were just now, just talking about this.

Oh, my God. I'm so... You're right. I'm so sorry.

I'm just so excited. My baby's getting married!

If that's what she decides. So go right ahead and make your decision.

[whispers] But say yes.

What do you say?

-Yes! -[Marilyn clapping] Wow!

-Oh! -[laughing]

-[laughs] -Yay! I'm getting married!

[Dixieland music playing]

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