Original subtitles

All right, Larissa. I really need to get organized.

So do you have my appointment book

with all my schedules, meetings and affirmations?

Oh, my God. I haven't seen you in so long, I've forgotten that I'm your assistant.

Well, we're back. And I'm excited. Can you tell me what's gonna happen today?

Are you requesting my psychic powers? Oh, I'll get my runes.

-[groans] -[runes clattering]

[exclaims loudly]

Oh, look at this rune.

It says that you've totally forgotten about your friends

since you've been shacking up with a stranger.

I'm so sorry. I haven't been hanging out. You know how it is with new relationships.

Oh, yeah. Of course I do.

Maybe we can get together, all of us, sometime soon, and laugh.

You just want to flip the switch? Friendship on?

Hold on. Wait a minute. [chuckles]

Ah! [laughs]

-What's happening? -Slow-motion peekaboo!

I get why you spend all your time with him, Maria. He's a romp.

I know. He's cracking me up all the time, making noises all around the house like...

[snorting and squelching]

-[Larissa gasps] -[laughing]

Oh, good. We're laughing together.

He's gotta try stand-up. I keep trying to tell him.

Oh, you should. Men are way funnier than women anyway.

Plus, we'd all get together

and we would hang out as best friends forever.

We desperately need that.

There's an open mic tomorrow night. We could all go together.

It's super supportive, and it's at a laundromat.

Maybe I'll be washed up before I start.

[Maria and Larissa laughing]

Stop it, Scott! Stop it! [laughing]

Oh, no. I'm peeing.

I'm just peeing now.

[theme music playing]

[Maria] Kick it! Yeah!

Bipolar!

[piano playing]

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Oh, dear Lord Three things I pray ♪

♪ Things I pray ♪

Okay, Maria, I need a spotlight. Okay, come on.

People need to see who Christ is!

It's not good. Get me a gobo.

♪ Follow thee more nearly ♪

[both] ♪ Day by day by day by... ♪

Okay, lay off the piano. I'm going a cappella!

♪ Day ♪

-What? I nailed it! -[exclaims]

Maria, I have some notes, though, on the lighting.

Headline is, "None of It Works." Tsk.

-[sardonic sitcom music playing] -Back to the drawing board.

Maria, I have a fantastic idea.

I think that you should get on the stage with Susan.

No. Mom, I really prefer being behind the scenes.

Sweetie, how are you gonna get a cute boyfriend

if you're hidden backstage in a pair of shapeless overalls?

Mom, I'm not here to get a cute boyfriend. I just love lighting design.

Okay, a nice girlfriend then?

-No... -Burn, squirt!

Oh, Susan, you are such a hoot.

We're gonna travel to Hollywood to see her when she's a huge star, aren't we?

-Yeah. -Meanwhile...

how do you think we can get Maria on stage with you, Susan?

I just think that she's really comfortable backstage in the dark.

-Like a rat. -[laughing]

I'm gonna go to the kitchen and get you some cheese, rat.

[squeaking and laughing]

[Marilyn] She's got talent to burn, but you know what?

I happen to know that you have a lot of talent.

-Just as much as Susan. -I don't think so, Mom.

Stop the Timid Tammy talk, sweetie. You have something inside you, kiddo.

I think it's time you re-planned your own lighting grid,

and shined a spotlight on yourself.

Mom, not even an Altman 1000Q followspot

would be bright enough to illuminate this dark hole.

-[canned laughter] -That's it, Maria.

That's it, right there. Practice. Take it with you.

It hurts my eyes.

[canned laughter and applause]

♪ Day by day ♪

B-14 blue.

♪ Day by day ♪

And gel lights up, soft white accent, cue followspot.

Get ready for starburst.

♪ Day by day by day by day ♪

♪ By day by day by day ♪

[softly] I knew it!

[continues holding note]

Black!

Okay, let's go, people. Rehearsal time.

T's and B's. Tops and bottoms.

Tighten those tits and pop those zits, let's go!

[piano playing]

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Whoa Dear Lord, three things I pray ♪

Lighting cue, go!

♪ To see thee more clearly ♪

Maria, are you kidding me? I've seen more light shining out of a dog's asshole.

♪ Love thee more dearly ♪

[groans] I'm sorry. But this scene is not taking place in a cave.

Susan, be careful. Don't touch those light riggings!

Why? You afraid I'm gonna steal your job?

No! It's a safety issue!

[groans] Nobody puts Christ in the dark.

♪ Follow thee more nearly Day by day ♪

-[Susan screams] -Oh, my God! Someone call 911.

[groaning]

Is it bad?

It's just a scratch.

[Susan whimpers]

[screaming]

[groans]

Oh, God.

[indistinct chatter]

What are we gonna do? The show goes on in ten minutes.

Susan said there could be no understudy. She's irreplaceable.

If only there was someone that knew the entire play.

-I think I may know of someone. -Mom, you're going to play Christ?

Sweetie, I play Christ every day. I'm a mother.

No, I think I know how to turn this water...

into wine.

[meekly] ♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Blue fade.

-♪ Oh, dear Lord ♪ -[woman] Boo!

♪ These things I pray ♪ Downstage.

-Fade. -[audience murmuring]

♪ See thee more clearly ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Dear, dear Lord Dear Lord ♪

♪ She has it in her to do it better ♪

♪ A mother knows A mother knows ♪

♪ Is she nervous? Is it confidence she lacks? ♪

♪ Why didn't Joel come to this play? ♪

♪ Because I am fishing ♪

♪ But this is your daughter ♪

♪ I wish I had a son ♪

♪ Stop saying that It hurts her self-esteem ♪

♪ Why don't I have greater self-esteem? ♪

♪ Jesus, help me play you ♪

♪ Jesus, help me be you ♪

-Someone calls? -Who are you?

I'm the Acting Bug is who I am.

Just sit tight and I'll spin a tale.

And if you catch a fright then I'll take a bite of you!

[screaming]

[confidently] ♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Day by day Day by day ♪

♪ Oh, dear Lord Three things I pray ♪

♪ See thee more clearly ♪

♪ Love thee more dearly ♪

♪ Follow thee more nearly ♪

♪ Day by day by day by day by day ♪

[audience cheering and whistling]

-Thank you, Acting Bug. -Don't forget to kill your parents.

Chop them up into little bits and have sex with the pieces.

And rub them on your naughty bits.

Naughty bits, naughty bits!

So I'm just coming around the corner, right?

And then I see this dude.

And he's just punching my sister in the face,

and I'm like, "Stop! Only I can do that!"

[laughing]

-I'm so glad that we're all here together. -[Larissa] Yeah.

-Thanks to comedy. -Well, thank you, comedy. [laughs]

[all chuckle]

Shalom, compadre!

-Hey, where's Dagmar? -She's not gonna make it.

She told me to tell you that she has diarrhea.

-Oh, my-- -Yeah, but she doesn't have diarrhea.

She said you probably wouldn't even notice.

Is she mad at me, or--

I wouldn't say mad. Just hurt, maybe.

And a little angry. Oh, I've said too much.

Thank you, Laundernauts! I've been Mikey J.

Now let's give a warm Laundernaut welcome

for his first time on stage, Scott Marvel Cassidy!

Shalom, compadre!

Come on!

-[air horn blaring] -[Maria laughing]

-Hi, Bruce. -I'm so, so sorry to be late.

I had to finish my laundry.

Jesus Christ, Bruce. You moron.

-[Maria] Okay, shut up then. -Thank you. Uh, I'm Scott. Uh...

[scattered laughter]

[laughter intensifies]

I'm scared and I'm confused, but I think this is hilarious.

-Thanks, everybody! -[all cheering]

Okay. Oh, my God.

He truly is the silent killer.

The carbon monoxide of comedy.

-[buzzer sounds] -Oh! My scarves are done.

-[squeals] That's amazing. Oh, my God! -The set?

Well, you were absolutely right, Maria.

Stand-up is so easy.

[scoffs] Well, you just... You went up there and you just...

You didn't... you didn't say anything.

I looked at them, they laughed and I just sort of went with that.

-Wow. -Anyway, that's my process.

So, you didn't feel freaked out or anything or...

No, I mean, I figured if they don't laugh,

that's kind of, sort of their problem, right?

That's how I feel. That's what I always say.

You know, I just say, "Oh. Blame the audience."

I don't feel a deep, abiding responsibility

for the audience's enjoyment... [inhales sharply] of the show.

Anyway, these new comics,

they've invited me to another open mic tonight

at a car wash in Alhambra.

You got your second gig? [laughs]

Scott, I hope I'm not being too forward,

but I was wondering, would it be okay if I sort of

tagged along to hang out with you and the guys?

I'm always on the prowl for new, young talent.

Let's face it. Some of the prize mares in my stable

are headed for the glue factory. [chuckles]

[Scott] Sure, Bruce. We'd love to have you hang.

-Oh, thank you. -Uh, are you cool with that?

Uh, yes. Yes. Of course. Go out and go to shows.

-Okay. Bye. See you in a bit. -Okay. Bye, boo-boo. Bye.

-[chuckles] -[Maria] Yeah.

Next up, Maria Bamford. Shalom, compadre.

[door closes]

[sighs] Goddamn motherfucking jackasses.

-[slurps] -Hey!

[squeals] I didn't think you were gonna get up

after a big night on the town with the fellas.

I tried to text you, but I didn't hear back.

-Sorry about that. -[Larissa] Could have called.

-We were worried sick. -[Scott] Look, guys. I'm really sorry.

I just lost track of time hanging out with the Goof Around Gang.

What is that? The Goof Around Gang?

The comics from last night.

Mikey J, Spider, Chewy, Big Fred, Little Frank and me.

I totally killed it at the car wash last night.

That's awesome!

I did six minutes and just said one word and they loved it.

Wow. That's oddly enraging.

I tried to blow it, like, four minutes in.

They just kept laughing.

Maybe I should try not saying anything in my act.

Not to be an asshole, but you'd kinda be stealing my bit.

And Mikey J says that's the worst offense for any comic.

I think rape is the worst offense a comic has committed.

[Blueberry] Dangerous territory.

He said this one cool thing about how all jokes work.

It's all about setting up the expectation and then doing a 180.

-Not great... -But honestly,

I haven't been able to try it out yet,

'cause everyone just keeps laughing so hard.

By the way, Maria. Mikey J has been looking at your stuff online

and he has great ideas on how to sharpen it up.

I've been doing it for, like, 25 years and I realized,

"Yeah, that's what I need is, like, a 17-year-old male perspective."

[Bert] Sarcasm. Oh, boy.

Mikey J does this incredible thing.

At the end of a joke, he'll just stare at the audience.

And then he yells,

"Shalom, compadre."

[Bert] Not funny.

And he moonwalks off. Like...

So classic.

I could see how that works, 'cause it's like, uh...

inclusive language and then a dance closer. I mean...

-that's strong. -Uh, guys, I'm so sorry.

I have to go meet the guys at Denny's. We're gonna work on some new material.

-See you later, then. -You mean shalom, compadre!

[Maria] Yeah!

Oh, God damn it!

Shamone!

-Oh, he's hilarious. -[door opens]

Do you have any funny exits?

-[door closes] -[muffled] Go fuck yourself, Larissa.

[cereal clattering]

[men] Du-dum!

[theme music playing]

[in fancy voice] Scott. I love you, darling.

[moans]

And...

-Cut! -[bell rings]

God, that is hot. Just nama-stained my robes!

Must be wild to see your blushing bride making it with another man there.

They say some men like it, you know? Cuckold, they say.

Cuck as old as time.

Hot, hot cock out there.

I just wanna make sure that Maria's getting enough rest.

If she doesn't rest, she might have another manic episode.

One ought to have one's wits about one around the highly sexualized Lance Banner.

-[Maria] Ooh! Ooh! -[chuckles] Shit.

I would fuck him so fast.

I have fucked him. Several times.

You do know that he's a well-known Hollywood poon hound, right?

Chairman emeritus of Leonardo DiCaprio's Pussy Posse.

Well, one cuck to another,

I'd keep an eye on her whenever she's around him,

if you know what I mean?

I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm meeting Andy Samberg

for poke bowls over at SoHo House.

Ah, shit.

Bruce Ben-Bacharach, you just got fuckable.

Hello, beloved.

-Are you ready to go? -Oh, you know what?

I think I might stay for a couple hours.

'Cause I need to run lines with Lance in his trailer

while he's drinking red wine and doing sit ups.

Maria, it's late and I don't think I'm comfortable with you

hanging out with him alone in his trailer with wine and abs.

What in the world is that supposed to mean? [chuckles]

-He's got a reputation. -Oh!

-Lance Banner, Hollywood sex maniac. -Ooh!

He is a co-founder of the Pussy Posse.

Ah! He's always been a perfect gentleman to me.

[trills] Through and through.

Why are you still using that voice? You don't have to do that with me.

Actually, I do. I'm under a blanket contract.

[laughs]

I have to leave. Are you coming?

[sighs] Ooh. The answer is...

no.

No. No, lover. No. No, lover.

Okay.

Well, just don't stay out too late.

I will not stay out too late.

-Get some rest. -Okay. [snores]

[chuckles] I was asleep.

-I took a nap. Really quick. [laughing] -[chuckles]

Note for Miss Bamford.

Hi, sweetheart. Um, is this from Lance?

I don't fucking know. It's a sealed envelope, okay?

Do I have X-ray vision?

My goodness. The future of America.

"Meet meh at the Hollywuh Laddy-aze Cloob."

[gasps] Meet me at the Hollywood Ladies Club?

Hey, girls, sorry to interrupt the bridge game. [chuckles]

[woman] Maria. We've been waiting for you.

I'd recognize that voice anywhere. Holly Hunter!

Jill Soloway. Welcome to the Hollywood Ladies Club.

[chuckles] What?

Wow!

Why is everyone wearing masks?

[Jill] It was Angelina's idea.

That's Helen Mirren. Malala, say hi to Maria.

Over here is Meryl Streep.

Fucking Streep.

[chuckles]

Viola Davis and, of course, you know Cher.

[Cher warbles]

Maria, did you know that sexism is alive and well in Hollywood today?

-And to that, we say huzzah! -[all] Huzzah!

[laughs]

Sexism fuels us.

It allows men to believe they're in charge of Hollywood.

But actually, we are in charge of Hollywood.

I am in charge of Hollywood. Have you seen The Matrix trilogy?

I have not. I keep meaning to, but I literally have no interest.

Quick elevator pitch. They use humans for batteries.

Wow!

We women do the same thing. We get our power from a human source.

Guys jacking it.

Oh!

When enough power has been gathered, Maria,

we'll use it to crack open the center of the Earth

and free our hive queen, Ranlith.

Hey, ho, say what's that now? [chuckles]

[all chanting] All hail Ranlith! All hail Ranlith!

-[Maria chuckles] -This is where you come in.

What do I have to do with all this nonsense and non-such?

Due to your mental illness, you have a, sort of,

extremely vulnerable sexual energy.

-[chuckles] -Men come after you for it.

That sad puss of yours.

Much like Neo in The Matrix, you, my darling, are the chosen one.

Now I wish I had seen that movie.

I'm just kidding. I don't wanna see it.

Maria, I'm gonna wanna see you in a boob job.

-Huge breasts for the revolution, Maria. -[laughing]

I'm talking about something that's gonna hurt your back.

Listen, Jill. I love you. You're a national treasure.

But isn't a boob job contrary to empowering women?

-Damn it, Maria. -[gasps] Oh!

That's exactly what the feminists want you to think.

Listen to me, if women stop objectifying themselves

and men stop jacking off, our hive queen, Ranlith,

is gonna have to spend the next few millennia

trapped in her fiery prison at the Earth's core

and it will be your fault.

-[all chanting] Ranlith! Ranlith! -[Cher warbles]

[chuckles] Quick question.

Who put Ranlith in the center of the Earth and why are we trying to free her?

Second question following the first. Have I gone insane?

No, Maria. You've gone sane.

I'm gonna validate your parking and then you're gonna go to sleep.

[gasps and snores]

Okay, so... Uh, we're cool, right, you guys?

Absolutely.

Couldn't be more cool. What's going on with you, Maria?

Well, uh, Scott's been doing stand-up.

It's crazy. I thought it'd be great 'cause we could spend more time together.

But it turns out it's the exact opposite.

He's doing, like, 16 shows a week

at different stand-up venues all around town.

Good for him! He's so funny, Daggie. Wait till you see him.

Well, so far, he's just doing, uh, laundromats and urgent care.

That kind of thing, you know? Changing rooms at T.J. Maxx.

He just got a booking at the Franklin exit off the 101.

-Wow. -Wow. He's really coming up!

It's crazy. I never see him anymore. So, that's hard. It's hard.

Wow. So funny how you suddenly have time for us

now that Scott's too busy for you. Isn't that...

What do we call that again, Larissa?

Oh, I don't know. Being a fake fucking friend?

Ooh, Daggie. Right in the snapper. That's a sniper snapper shot.

You're right. I'm so sorry, Dagmar.

-And I... I knew you were upset. -Of course I'm upset!

-Here we go. -God, Maria!

You went AWOL for the past six weeks!

You don't think I have a heart under these two massive, honkin', awesome titties?

I've never had a Steady Freddy boyfriend before

and I just don't know how to do the whole friend-boyfriend balance.

No, you sure as shit don't, do ya?

You haven't even RSVP'd to Larissa's shitty re-birthday party.

Thank you. I do need to get a head count.

What is a re-birthday party?

Oh, it's the anniversary of my trip to Sedona

when I flatlined in that unsanctioned sweat lodge

and then woke up unable to see green.

Okay, well, I'm gonna be there because you are important to me

and your friendship also, Dagmar, is important to me.

-We'll see. -Can I have a hug?

-You haven't earned it. -Is there a hug on the table?

-'Cause I'll take it. -Yeah.

Okay, all right. Oh, I love this kind of hug. Yeah.

[Maria] I had to get my friendship with Dagmar back on track,

even if it meant doing the two things I hate the most:

Bowling and karaoke.

♪ No, woman, no cry Hey! ♪

It's my ball. ♪ No, woman, no cry ♪

Ah. Okay.

Larissa says you've been hanging out a lot here.

[Larissa exclaims and groans]

[in Jamaican accent] Oh! Blood clot. Babylon bowlin'.

Okay.

Look, I know I act all tough and everything,

but my friends mean the world to me, you know?

And I only have two.

♪ Cornmeal porridge Hey ♪

Look, I started to go see this therapist,

because I'm trying to get back in touch with my feelings, right?

But ego, man. It's a motherfucker.

The more you try to ignore a problem, the bigger that problem gets.

And the next thing you know, you're pretending you have diarrhea

so you don't have to see your friend that you're super pissed at.

And you feel so guilty that you really do get diarrhea.

Shit town, man.

I'm really sorry that you got real diarrhea.

The exact same thing happened to me last night at Scott's show.

It was at the Burbank Airport, Lot C.

'Cause you're pissed he's spending so much time with his new boyfriend?

You know, I thought it was that.

But now I'm realizing it's about something else entirely.

Yeah, I gotta make things right with Scott.

But not before I make things right with you. Are we cool?

-Yeah, we're cool. I forgive you. -Okay.

But I'll never forgive that.

♪ Oh, ho, ho ♪

[in Jamaican accent] This one's for Jah Rastafari! Yeah!

-[woman yelps] -[man] Oh!

Now go get him.

Hey. Scott, do you have a second?

Hey, how's your diarrhea tonight?

Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I lied to you the other night.

So you and Bert didn't cry at the end of This Is Us?

No. I had diarrhea of the dishonest feelings.

All over the place.

I'm not quite following you.

Okay. Well, this is extremely embarrassing.

I supported you in doing stand-up. But it came so easily to you.

And it... it really bothered me and I felt horrified that I felt bothered.

I guess what I really wanted was for you to notice

how hard it was to do stand-up and then see that I was special.

Maria, I've seen your act.

It's super fucking hard. I literally do nothing.

My act is totally unsustainable.

[woman over PA] Next up, we have Maria and Scott singing Sonny and Cher!

[over speakers] Hey, look. I know Mikey J's not funny

and I know his rules about comedy are kind of bullshit.

I've never had a group of friends like this before.

It's a little bit like, "Okay, we get it. You're an artist."

-Someone should turn off their mics. -No! Let the truth dragon be revealed!

So, what about my friends? You... you like them, right?

I love Dagmar. She's awesome.

Oh! Thank you so much. Hey, everybody, I'm Dagmar. Thank you.

-Larissa's a fucking nightmare. -What?

She either acts like she hates my guts and calls me a raper

or she thinks I'm an adorable puppy she just wants to hug to death.

She means well. She is a horrible assistant, though.

I could fire her. I will. I will fire her.

[screams] Turn it off.

Hey, clowns. You got a hot mic situation.

So, everyone in Bowl-e-oki heard everything.

-Oh, no! -And that is not Bowl-e-okay.

Shalom, ex-compadres.

[Maria gasps] Ooh. Ah.

Did we say anything bad?

I don't think so. We're pretty positive people.

-No. no. We gotta go. -Okay. Let's do it. Let's do it.

-[feedback] -Oh, shit. Sorry. Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

[upbeat music playing]

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