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1
00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:10,343
All right, Larissa.
I really need to get organized.
2
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,804
So do you have my appointment book
3
00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:15,640
with all my schedules,
meetings and affirmations?
4
00:00:16,974 --> 00:00:20,770
Oh, my God. I haven't seen you in so long,
I've forgotten that I'm your assistant.
5
00:00:20,853 --> 00:00:24,816
Well, we're back. And I'm excited.
Can you tell me what's gonna happen today?
6
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:28,861
Are you requesting my psychic powers?
Oh, I'll get my runes.
7
00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:31,114
-[groans]
-[runes clattering]
8
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,492
[exclaims loudly]
9
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,789
Oh, look at this rune.
10
00:00:39,872 --> 00:00:41,708
It says that you've totally forgotten
about your friends
11
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:43,460
since you've been
shacking up with a stranger.
12
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:49,174
I'm so sorry. I haven't been hanging out.
You know how it is with new relationships.
13
00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:50,342
Oh, yeah. Of course I do.
14
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:54,804
Maybe we can get together, all of us,
sometime soon, and laugh.
15
00:00:54,887 --> 00:00:57,515
You just want to flip the switch?
Friendship on?
16
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,727
Hold on. Wait a minute. [chuckles]
17
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:03,771
Ah! [laughs]
18
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,399
-What's happening?
-Slow-motion peekaboo!
19
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:09,652
I get why you spend all your time
with him, Maria. He's a romp.
20
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:13,656
I know. He's cracking me up all the time,
making noises all around the house like...
21
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,575
[snorting and squelching]
22
00:01:17,034 --> 00:01:18,953
-[Larissa gasps]
-[laughing]
23
00:01:19,036 --> 00:01:20,622
Oh, good. We're laughing together.
24
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:23,333
He's gotta try stand-up.
I keep trying to tell him.
25
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,461
Oh, you should.
Men are way funnier than women anyway.
26
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:28,630
Plus, we'd all get together
27
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:31,799
and we would hang out
as best friends forever.
28
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,176
We desperately need that.
29
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:36,346
There's an open mic tomorrow night.
We could all go together.
30
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:39,056
It's super supportive,
and it's at a laundromat.
31
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,058
Maybe I'll be washed up before I start.
32
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,310
[Maria and Larissa laughing]
33
00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:46,231
Stop it, Scott! Stop it! [laughing]
34
00:01:46,814 --> 00:01:49,192
Oh, no. I'm peeing.
35
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,818
I'm just peeing now.
36
00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,654
[theme music playing]
37
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,954
[Maria] Kick it! Yeah!
38
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,082
Bipolar!
39
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,881
[piano playing]
40
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:16,010
♪ Day by day ♪
41
00:02:16,093 --> 00:02:17,429
♪ Day by day ♪
42
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,472
♪ Day by day ♪
43
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,266
♪ Day by day ♪
44
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:25,812
♪ Oh, dear Lord
Three things I pray ♪
45
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:27,355
♪ Things I pray ♪
46
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,900
Okay, Maria, I need a spotlight.
Okay, come on.
47
00:02:30,983 --> 00:02:32,735
People need to see who Christ is!
48
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,279
It's not good. Get me a gobo.
49
00:02:34,987 --> 00:02:37,949
♪ Follow thee more nearly ♪
50
00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:41,994
[both] ♪ Day by day by day by... ♪
51
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:44,497
Okay, lay off the piano.
I'm going a cappella!
52
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:48,418
♪ Day ♪
53
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:51,754
-What? I nailed it!
-[exclaims]
54
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,715
Maria, I have some notes, though,
on the lighting.
55
00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:57,051
Headline is, "None of It Works." Tsk.
56
00:02:57,134 --> 00:02:59,887
-[sardonic sitcom music playing]
-Back to the drawing board.
57
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,140
Maria, I have a fantastic idea.
58
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,977
I think that you should get
on the stage with Susan.
59
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:09,856
No. Mom,
I really prefer being behind the scenes.
60
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,275
Sweetie, how are you
gonna get a cute boyfriend
61
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:15,653
if you're hidden backstage
in a pair of shapeless overalls?
62
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:19,782
Mom, I'm not here to get a cute boyfriend.
I just love lighting design.
63
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,244
Okay, a nice girlfriend then?
64
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,203
-No...
-Burn, squirt!
65
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,414
Oh, Susan, you are such a hoot.
66
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:30,710
We're gonna travel to Hollywood to see her
when she's a huge star, aren't we?
67
00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,086
-Yeah.
-Meanwhile...
68
00:03:32,169 --> 00:03:36,132
how do you think we can get
Maria on stage with you, Susan?
69
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:40,387
I just think that she's
really comfortable backstage in the dark.
70
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:43,097
-Like a rat.
-[laughing]
71
00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:46,351
I'm gonna go to the kitchen
and get you some cheese, rat.
72
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:47,602
[squeaking and laughing]
73
00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:50,397
[Marilyn] She's got talent to burn,
but you know what?
74
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,900
I happen to know
that you have a lot of talent.
75
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:56,694
-Just as much as Susan.
-I don't think so, Mom.
76
00:03:56,778 --> 00:04:01,449
Stop the Timid Tammy talk, sweetie.
You have something inside you, kiddo.
77
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:04,869
I think it's time you re-planned
your own lighting grid,
78
00:04:04,952 --> 00:04:07,247
and shined a spotlight on yourself.
79
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:11,876
Mom, not even an Altman 1000Q followspot
80
00:04:11,959 --> 00:04:16,130
would be bright enough
to illuminate this dark hole.
81
00:04:16,213 --> 00:04:18,174
-[canned laughter]
-That's it, Maria.
82
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,177
That's it, right there.
Practice. Take it with you.
83
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,845
It hurts my eyes.
84
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,265
[canned laughter and applause]
85
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,564
♪ Day by day ♪
86
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:33,940
B-14 blue.
87
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,568
♪ Day by day ♪
88
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:40,738
And gel lights up,
soft white accent, cue followspot.
89
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,157
Get ready for starburst.
90
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:47,244
♪ Day by day by day by day ♪
91
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:51,458
♪ By day by day by day ♪
92
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,335
[softly] I knew it!
93
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,252
[continues holding note]
94
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,004
Black!
95
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:03,970
Okay, let's go, people. Rehearsal time.
96
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:07,014
T's and B's. Tops and bottoms.
97
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:10,310
Tighten those tits
and pop those zits, let's go!
98
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,978
[piano playing]
99
00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:14,731
♪ Day by day ♪
100
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:18,234
♪ Day by day ♪
101
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:22,614
♪ Whoa
Dear Lord, three things I pray ♪
102
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,574
Lighting cue, go!
103
00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:28,370
♪ To see thee more clearly ♪
104
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,956
Maria, are you kidding me? I've seen
more light shining out of a dog's asshole.
105
00:05:32,039 --> 00:05:35,710
♪ Love thee more dearly ♪
106
00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:39,547
[groans] I'm sorry. But this scene
is not taking place in a cave.
107
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:42,091
Susan, be careful.
Don't touch those light riggings!
108
00:05:42,174 --> 00:05:45,177
Why? You afraid I'm gonna steal your job?
109
00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:47,389
No! It's a safety issue!
110
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,057
[groans] Nobody puts Christ in the dark.
111
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:56,606
♪ Follow thee more nearly
Day by day ♪
112
00:05:57,482 --> 00:06:01,193
-[Susan screams]
-Oh, my God! Someone call 911.
113
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:04,155
[groaning]
114
00:06:05,197 --> 00:06:06,824
Is it bad?
115
00:06:10,202 --> 00:06:11,871
It's just a scratch.
116
00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:13,330
[Susan whimpers]
117
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:16,167
[screaming]
118
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:17,669
[groans]
119
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:19,546
Oh, God.
120
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,470
[indistinct chatter]
121
00:06:30,347 --> 00:06:33,100
What are we gonna do?
The show goes on in ten minutes.
122
00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:36,688
Susan said there could be no understudy.
She's irreplaceable.
123
00:06:37,354 --> 00:06:40,232
If only there was someone
that knew the entire play.
124
00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:43,695
-I think I may know of someone.
-Mom, you're going to play Christ?
125
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,988
Sweetie, I play Christ every day.
I'm a mother.
126
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:49,909
No, I think I know
how to turn this water...
127
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:52,579
into wine.
128
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,673
[meekly] ♪ Day by day ♪
129
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,216
♪ Oh ♪
130
00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:07,051
Blue fade.
131
00:07:07,134 --> 00:07:10,346
-♪ Oh, dear Lord ♪
-[woman] Boo!
132
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,640
♪ These things I pray ♪
Downstage.
133
00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:14,934
-Fade.
-[audience murmuring]
134
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:18,521
♪ See thee more clearly ♪
135
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,231
[indistinct chatter]
136
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:23,985
♪ Dear, dear Lord
Dear Lord ♪
137
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:28,072
♪ She has it in her to do it better ♪
138
00:07:28,155 --> 00:07:30,575
♪ A mother knows
A mother knows ♪
139
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:34,203
♪ Is she nervous?
Is it confidence she lacks? ♪
140
00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:37,499
♪ Why didn't Joel come to this play? ♪
141
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,876
♪ Because I am fishing ♪
142
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,418
♪ But this is your daughter ♪
143
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,337
♪ I wish I had a son ♪
144
00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:48,300
♪ Stop saying that
It hurts her self-esteem ♪
145
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:51,763
♪ Why don't I have greater self-esteem? ♪
146
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:55,016
♪ Jesus, help me play you ♪
147
00:07:55,099 --> 00:08:00,229
♪ Jesus, help me be you ♪
148
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,692
-Someone calls?
-Who are you?
149
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,944
I'm the Acting Bug is who I am.
150
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,196
Just sit tight and I'll spin a tale.
151
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,825
And if you catch a fright
then I'll take a bite of you!
152
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:16,496
[screaming]
153
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,248
[confidently] ♪ Day by day ♪
154
00:08:19,331 --> 00:08:23,961
♪ Day by day
Day by day ♪
155
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:30,635
♪ Oh, dear Lord
Three things I pray ♪
156
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:33,470
♪ See thee more clearly ♪
157
00:08:34,346 --> 00:08:37,684
♪ Love thee more dearly ♪
158
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,978
♪ Follow thee more nearly ♪
159
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:46,984
♪ Day by day by day by day by day ♪
160
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,736
[audience cheering and whistling]
161
00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:57,369
-Thank you, Acting Bug.
-Don't forget to kill your parents.
162
00:08:58,037 --> 00:09:00,957
Chop them up into little bits
and have sex with the pieces.
163
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,167
And rub them on your naughty bits.
164
00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:06,378
Naughty bits, naughty bits!
165
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,850
So I'm just coming
around the corner, right?
166
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,017
And then I see this dude.
167
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,769
And he's just punching
my sister in the face,
168
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,896
and I'm like, "Stop! Only I can do that!"
169
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,898
[laughing]
170
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,275
-I'm so glad that we're all here together.
-[Larissa] Yeah.
171
00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,653
-Thanks to comedy.
-Well, thank you, comedy. [laughs]
172
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,614
[all chuckle]
173
00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:33,990
Shalom, compadre!
174
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,200
-Hey, where's Dagmar?
-She's not gonna make it.
175
00:09:36,283 --> 00:09:38,661
She told me to tell you
that she has diarrhea.
176
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,622
-Oh, my--
-Yeah, but she doesn't have diarrhea.
177
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,164
She said you probably
wouldn't even notice.
178
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,083
Is she mad at me, or--
179
00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:46,460
I wouldn't say mad. Just hurt, maybe.
180
00:09:46,543 --> 00:09:48,379
And a little angry.
Oh, I've said too much.
181
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:50,547
Thank you, Laundernauts!
I've been Mikey J.
182
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,549
Now let's give a warm Laundernaut welcome
183
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:56,137
for his first time on stage,
Scott Marvel Cassidy!
184
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,889
Shalom, compadre!
185
00:09:57,972 --> 00:09:59,932
Come on!
186
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,851
-[air horn blaring]
-[Maria laughing]
187
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,353
-Hi, Bruce.
-I'm so, so sorry to be late.
188
00:10:04,436 --> 00:10:06,147
I had to finish my laundry.
189
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:09,817
Jesus Christ, Bruce. You moron.
190
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:13,780
-[Maria] Okay, shut up then.
-Thank you. Uh, I'm Scott. Uh...
191
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:23,080
[scattered laughter]
192
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:29,921
[laughter intensifies]
193
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:40,139
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but I think this is hilarious.
194
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,768
-Thanks, everybody!
-[all cheering]
195
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:45,770
Okay. Oh, my God.
196
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:50,399
He truly is the silent killer.
197
00:10:50,482 --> 00:10:51,734
The carbon monoxide of comedy.
198
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,111
-[buzzer sounds]
-Oh! My scarves are done.
199
00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:59,366
-[squeals] That's amazing. Oh, my God!
-The set?
200
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,618
Well, you were absolutely right, Maria.
201
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,079
Stand-up is so easy.
202
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,873
[scoffs] Well, you just...
You went up there and you just...
203
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,917
You didn't... you didn't say anything.
204
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,837
I looked at them, they laughed
and I just sort of went with that.
205
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,338
-Wow.
-Anyway, that's my process.
206
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:15,007
So, you didn't feel
freaked out or anything or...
207
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,093
No, I mean, I figured if they don't laugh,
208
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,886
that's kind of,
sort of their problem, right?
209
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:20,471
That's how I feel.
That's what I always say.
210
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,849
You know, I just say,
"Oh. Blame the audience."
211
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:25,309
I don't feel a deep,
abiding responsibility
212
00:11:25,392 --> 00:11:28,771
for the audience's enjoyment...
[inhales sharply] of the show.
213
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,982
Anyway, these new comics,
214
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:34,151
they've invited me
to another open mic tonight
215
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,778
at a car wash in Alhambra.
216
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,530
You got your second gig? [laughs]
217
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:39,991
Scott, I hope I'm not being too forward,
218
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,284
but I was wondering,
would it be okay if I sort of
219
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:43,911
tagged along to hang out
with you and the guys?
220
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:46,163
I'm always on the prowl
for new, young talent.
221
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:49,041
Let's face it.
Some of the prize mares in my stable
222
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,127
are headed
for the glue factory. [chuckles]
223
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,669
[Scott] Sure, Bruce.
We'd love to have you hang.
224
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:56,465
-Oh, thank you.
-Uh, are you cool with that?
225
00:11:57,258 --> 00:12:01,971
Uh, yes. Yes. Of course.
Go out and go to shows.
226
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,266
-Okay. Bye. See you in a bit.
-Okay. Bye, boo-boo. Bye.
227
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:06,976
-[chuckles]
-[Maria] Yeah.
228
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:11,022
Next up, Maria Bamford. Shalom, compadre.
229
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,356
[door closes]
230
00:12:12,439 --> 00:12:15,609
[sighs] Goddamn motherfucking jackasses.
231
00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:22,408
-[slurps]
-Hey!
232
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:25,244
[squeals] I didn't think
you were gonna get up
233
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:27,663
after a big night on the town
with the fellas.
234
00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:29,791
I tried to text you,
but I didn't hear back.
235
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,208
-Sorry about that.
-[Larissa] Could have called.
236
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,045
-We were worried sick.
-[Scott] Look, guys. I'm really sorry.
237
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:36,964
I just lost track of time hanging out
with the Goof Around Gang.
238
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,966
What is that? The Goof Around Gang?
239
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,176
The comics from last night.
240
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:44,596
Mikey J, Spider, Chewy,
Big Fred, Little Frank and me.
241
00:12:45,597 --> 00:12:47,766
I totally killed it
at the car wash last night.
242
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,018
That's awesome!
243
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,938
I did six minutes and just said
one word and they loved it.
244
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,690
Wow. That's oddly enraging.
245
00:12:54,773 --> 00:12:56,567
I tried to blow it,
like, four minutes in.
246
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,110
They just kept laughing.
247
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:02,156
Maybe I should try
not saying anything in my act.
248
00:13:02,239 --> 00:13:04,867
Not to be an asshole,
but you'd kinda be stealing my bit.
249
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:08,537
And Mikey J says
that's the worst offense for any comic.
250
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:12,959
I think rape is the worst offense
a comic has committed.
251
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,585
[Blueberry] Dangerous territory.
252
00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:17,796
He said this one cool thing
about how all jokes work.
253
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,133
It's all about setting up the expectation
and then doing a 180.
254
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,844
-Not great...
-But honestly,
255
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,303
I haven't been able to try it out yet,
256
00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:26,722
'cause everyone
just keeps laughing so hard.
257
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,351
By the way, Maria. Mikey J has been
looking at your stuff online
258
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,937
and he has great ideas
on how to sharpen it up.
259
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:35,231
I've been doing it for, like,
25 years and I realized,
260
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:38,650
"Yeah, that's what I need is, like,
a 17-year-old male perspective."
261
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,777
[Bert] Sarcasm. Oh, boy.
262
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,779
Mikey J does this incredible thing.
263
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,909
At the end of a joke,
he'll just stare at the audience.
264
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,827
And then he yells,
265
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:50,162
"Shalom, compadre."
266
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,163
[Bert] Not funny.
267
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,415
And he moonwalks off. Like...
268
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,001
So classic.
269
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,710
I could see how that works,
'cause it's like, uh...
270
00:13:56,793 --> 00:13:59,296
inclusive language
and then a dance closer. I mean...
271
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,132
-that's strong.
-Uh, guys, I'm so sorry.
272
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,510
I have to go meet the guys at Denny's.
We're gonna work on some new material.
273
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,388
-See you later, then.
-You mean shalom, compadre!
274
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:08,597
[Maria] Yeah!
275
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,516
Oh, God damn it!
276
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:11,934
Shamone!
277
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,895
-Oh, he's hilarious.
-[door opens]
278
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,646
Do you have any funny exits?
279
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:18,232
-[door closes]
-[muffled] Go fuck yourself, Larissa.
280
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,734
[cereal clattering]
281
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:27,158
[men] Du-dum!
282
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,993
[theme music playing]
283
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:39,253
[in fancy voice]
Scott. I love you, darling.
284
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:41,422
[moans]
285
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:46,718
And...
286
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,304
-Cut!
-[bell rings]
287
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:53,059
God, that is hot.
Just nama-stained my robes!
288
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:56,020
Must be wild to see your blushing bride
making it with another man there.
289
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,523
They say some men like it, you know?
Cuckold, they say.
290
00:14:59,606 --> 00:15:01,442
Cuck as old as time.
291
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,946
Hot, hot cock out there.
292
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,031
I just wanna make sure
that Maria's getting enough rest.
293
00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:09,575
If she doesn't rest,
she might have another manic episode.
294
00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:12,869
One ought to have one's wits about one
around the highly sexualized Lance Banner.
295
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:14,830
-[Maria] Ooh! Ooh!
-[chuckles] Shit.
296
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,832
I would fuck him so fast.
297
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,584
I have fucked him. Several times.
298
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,253
You do know that he's a well-known
Hollywood poon hound, right?
299
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,881
Chairman emeritus of
Leonardo DiCaprio's Pussy Posse.
300
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:29,136
Well, one cuck to another,
301
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,055
I'd keep an eye on her
whenever she's around him,
302
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,056
if you know what I mean?
303
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:34,266
I'd love to stay and chat,
but I'm meeting Andy Samberg
304
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,060
for poke bowls over at SoHo House.
305
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:38,520
Ah, shit.
306
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:42,066
Bruce Ben-Bacharach,
you just got fuckable.
307
00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:43,985
Hello, beloved.
308
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:45,861
-Are you ready to go?
-Oh, you know what?
309
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,197
I think I might stay for a couple hours.
310
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,282
'Cause I need to run lines
with Lance in his trailer
311
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:53,119
while he's drinking red wine
and doing sit ups.
312
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:56,747
Maria, it's late
and I don't think I'm comfortable with you
313
00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:01,002
hanging out with him alone
in his trailer with wine and abs.
314
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,046
What in the world
is that supposed to mean? [chuckles]
315
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,007
-He's got a reputation.
-Oh!
316
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:08,800
-Lance Banner, Hollywood sex maniac.
-Ooh!
317
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:11,053
He is a co-founder of the Pussy Posse.
318
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:15,891
Ah! He's always been
a perfect gentleman to me.
319
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,143
[trills] Through and through.
320
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,979
Why are you still using that voice?
You don't have to do that with me.
321
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,399
Actually, I do.
I'm under a blanket contract.
322
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,526
[laughs]
323
00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,278
I have to leave. Are you coming?
324
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:30,822
[sighs] Ooh. The answer is...
325
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:31,865
no.
326
00:16:31,948 --> 00:16:36,912
No. No, lover. No. No, lover.
327
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:37,997
Okay.
328
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,250
Well, just don't stay out too late.
329
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,877
I will not stay out too late.
330
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,088
-Get some rest.
-Okay. [snores]
331
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,340
[chuckles] I was asleep.
332
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:51,052
-I took a nap. Really quick. [laughing]
-[chuckles]
333
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,013
Note for Miss Bamford.
334
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,848
Hi, sweetheart. Um, is this from Lance?
335
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:58,809
I don't fucking know.
It's a sealed envelope, okay?
336
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,519
Do I have X-ray vision?
337
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:03,730
My goodness. The future of America.
338
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:10,446
"Meet meh
at the Hollywuh Laddy-aze Cloob."
339
00:17:11,738 --> 00:17:14,866
[gasps] Meet me at
the Hollywood Ladies Club?
340
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,913
Hey, girls, sorry to interrupt
the bridge game. [chuckles]
341
00:17:19,996 --> 00:17:21,998
[woman] Maria. We've been waiting for you.
342
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:25,669
I'd recognize that voice anywhere.
Holly Hunter!
343
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,548
Jill Soloway.
Welcome to the Hollywood Ladies Club.
344
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,717
[chuckles] What?
345
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:34,261
Wow!
346
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:36,388
Why is everyone wearing masks?
347
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,514
[Jill] It was Angelina's idea.
348
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:40,601
That's Helen Mirren.
Malala, say hi to Maria.
349
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:42,436
Over here is Meryl Streep.
350
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:44,563
Fucking Streep.
351
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:45,564
[chuckles]
352
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,733
Viola Davis and, of course, you know Cher.
353
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,193
[Cher warbles]
354
00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:53,322
Maria, did you know that sexism is
alive and well in Hollywood today?
355
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:56,200
-And to that, we say huzzah!
-[all] Huzzah!
356
00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:58,077
[laughs]
357
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,578
Sexism fuels us.
358
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:02,331
It allows men to believe
they're in charge of Hollywood.
359
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:05,126
But actually,
we are in charge of Hollywood.
360
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,920
I am in charge of Hollywood.
Have you seen The Matrix trilogy?
361
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:13,300
I have not. I keep meaning to,
but I literally have no interest.
362
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,886
Quick elevator pitch.
They use humans for batteries.
363
00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:17,221
Wow!
364
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:20,682
We women do the same thing.
We get our power from a human source.
365
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,184
Guys jacking it.
366
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:23,727
Oh!
367
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:27,898
When enough power
has been gathered, Maria,
368
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:30,109
we'll use it to crack open
the center of the Earth
369
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,319
and free our hive queen, Ranlith.
370
00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,446
Hey, ho, say what's that now? [chuckles]
371
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:41,162
[all chanting] All hail Ranlith!
All hail Ranlith!
372
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,371
-[Maria chuckles]
-This is where you come in.
373
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:45,666
What do I have to do with
all this nonsense and non-such?
374
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:48,001
Due to your mental illness,
you have a, sort of,
375
00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:50,504
extremely vulnerable sexual energy.
376
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,298
-[chuckles]
-Men come after you for it.
377
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:53,757
That sad puss of yours.
378
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,428
Much like Neo in The Matrix, you,
my darling, are the chosen one.
379
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,513
Now I wish I had seen that movie.
380
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,473
I'm just kidding. I don't wanna see it.
381
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:03,767
Maria, I'm gonna wanna
see you in a boob job.
382
00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:06,520
-Huge breasts for the revolution, Maria.
-[laughing]
383
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:08,564
I'm talking about something
that's gonna hurt your back.
384
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:12,025
Listen, Jill. I love you.
You're a national treasure.
385
00:19:12,108 --> 00:19:15,737
But isn't a boob job contrary
to empowering women?
386
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,072
-Damn it, Maria.
-[gasps] Oh!
387
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,200
That's exactly what
the feminists want you to think.
388
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,453
Listen to me,
if women stop objectifying themselves
389
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,997
and men stop jacking off,
our hive queen, Ranlith,
390
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:29,125
is gonna have to spend
the next few millennia
391
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:32,838
trapped in her fiery prison
at the Earth's core
392
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,381
and it will be your fault.
393
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:38,885
-[all chanting] Ranlith! Ranlith!
-[Cher warbles]
394
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:40,596
[chuckles] Quick question.
395
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:45,141
Who put Ranlith in the center of the Earth
and why are we trying to free her?
396
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:49,355
Second question following the first.
Have I gone insane?
397
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:51,523
No, Maria. You've gone sane.
398
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,651
I'm gonna validate your parking
and then you're gonna go to sleep.
399
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,863
[gasps and snores]
400
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:09,625
Okay, so...
Uh, we're cool, right, you guys?
401
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:10,626
Absolutely.
402
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:15,130
Couldn't be more cool.
What's going on with you, Maria?
403
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,466
Well, uh, Scott's been doing stand-up.
404
00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:20,844
It's crazy. I thought it'd be great
'cause we could spend more time together.
405
00:20:20,927 --> 00:20:22,846
But it turns out it's the exact opposite.
406
00:20:22,929 --> 00:20:24,180
He's doing, like, 16 shows a week
407
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,475
at different stand-up venues
all around town.
408
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,853
Good for him! He's so funny, Daggie.
Wait till you see him.
409
00:20:29,936 --> 00:20:33,315
Well, so far, he's just doing, uh,
laundromats and urgent care.
410
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,192
That kind of thing, you know?
Changing rooms at T.J. Maxx.
411
00:20:36,277 --> 00:20:40,531
He just got a booking at the Franklin exit
off the 101.
412
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,533
-Wow.
-Wow. He's really coming up!
413
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:46,912
It's crazy. I never see him anymore.
So, that's hard. It's hard.
414
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:51,958
Wow. So funny how you
suddenly have time for us
415
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,628
now that Scott's too busy for you.
Isn't that...
416
00:20:54,711 --> 00:20:56,713
What do we call that again, Larissa?
417
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,508
Oh, I don't know.
Being a fake fucking friend?
418
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:03,094
Ooh, Daggie. Right in the snapper.
That's a sniper snapper shot.
419
00:21:03,178 --> 00:21:05,639
You're right. I'm so sorry, Dagmar.
420
00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:08,350
-And I... I knew you were upset.
-Of course I'm upset!
421
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:09,560
-Here we go.
-God, Maria!
422
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:11,270
You went AWOL for the past six weeks!
423
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:14,940
You don't think I have a heart under these
two massive, honkin', awesome titties?
424
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:17,818
I've never had
a Steady Freddy boyfriend before
425
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:21,071
and I just don't know how to do
the whole friend-boyfriend balance.
426
00:21:21,154 --> 00:21:23,031
No, you sure as shit don't, do ya?
427
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,743
You haven't even RSVP'd to
Larissa's shitty re-birthday party.
428
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,912
Thank you. I do need to get a head count.
429
00:21:28,995 --> 00:21:30,121
What is a re-birthday party?
430
00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:32,458
Oh, it's the anniversary
of my trip to Sedona
431
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,835
when I flatlined in that
unsanctioned sweat lodge
432
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:36,670
and then woke up unable to see green.
433
00:21:38,171 --> 00:21:41,967
Okay, well, I'm gonna be there because
you are important to me
434
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:45,679
and your friendship also, Dagmar,
is important to me.
435
00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:48,014
-We'll see.
-Can I have a hug?
436
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,684
-You haven't earned it.
-Is there a hug on the table?
437
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:51,935
-'Cause I'll take it.
-Yeah.
438
00:21:52,018 --> 00:21:56,315
Okay, all right.
Oh, I love this kind of hug. Yeah.
439
00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:59,192
[Maria] I had to get my friendship
with Dagmar back on track,
440
00:21:59,275 --> 00:22:02,070
even if it meant doing
the two things I hate the most:
441
00:22:02,153 --> 00:22:04,155
Bowling and karaoke.
442
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:08,785
♪ No, woman, no cry
Hey! ♪
443
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:12,914
It's my ball. ♪ No, woman, no cry ♪
444
00:22:14,541 --> 00:22:16,585
Ah. Okay.
445
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:19,170
Larissa says you've been
hanging out a lot here.
446
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:22,466
[Larissa exclaims and groans]
447
00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:24,217
[in Jamaican accent]
Oh! Blood clot. Babylon bowlin'.
448
00:22:24,300 --> 00:22:25,761
Okay.
449
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:29,347
Look, I know I act
all tough and everything,
450
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,725
but my friends
mean the world to me, you know?
451
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:33,852
And I only have two.
452
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:37,648
♪ Cornmeal porridge
Hey ♪
453
00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:39,566
Look, I started to go see this therapist,
454
00:22:39,650 --> 00:22:41,902
because I'm trying to get back
in touch with my feelings, right?
455
00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:43,820
But ego, man. It's a motherfucker.
456
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:47,032
The more you try to ignore a problem,
the bigger that problem gets.
457
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:49,535
And the next thing you know,
you're pretending you have diarrhea
458
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,870
so you don't have to see your friend
that you're super pissed at.
459
00:22:51,953 --> 00:22:54,415
And you feel so guilty
that you really do get diarrhea.
460
00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:56,332
Shit town, man.
461
00:22:56,417 --> 00:22:58,669
I'm really sorry
that you got real diarrhea.
462
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:02,172
The exact same thing happened to me
last night at Scott's show.
463
00:23:02,255 --> 00:23:03,924
It was at the Burbank Airport, Lot C.
464
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:06,468
'Cause you're pissed he's spending
so much time with his new boyfriend?
465
00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:07,844
You know, I thought it was that.
466
00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:11,097
But now I'm realizing
it's about something else entirely.
467
00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:13,767
Yeah,
I gotta make things right with Scott.
468
00:23:13,850 --> 00:23:17,688
But not before
I make things right with you. Are we cool?
469
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:21,066
-Yeah, we're cool. I forgive you.
-Okay.
470
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:22,693
But I'll never forgive that.
471
00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:24,152
♪ Oh, ho, ho ♪
472
00:23:24,235 --> 00:23:28,364
[in Jamaican accent]
This one's for Jah Rastafari! Yeah!
473
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,117
-[woman yelps]
-[man] Oh!
474
00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:33,787
Now go get him.
475
00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:36,665
Hey. Scott, do you have a second?
476
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,709
Hey, how's your diarrhea tonight?
477
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:41,628
Well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
478
00:23:41,712 --> 00:23:43,464
I lied to you the other night.
479
00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:45,591
So you and Bert didn't cry
at the end of This Is Us?
480
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:48,635
No. I had diarrhea
of the dishonest feelings.
481
00:23:48,719 --> 00:23:50,095
All over the place.
482
00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:51,847
I'm not quite following you.
483
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,724
Okay.
Well, this is extremely embarrassing.
484
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:57,603
I supported you in doing stand-up.
But it came so easily to you.
485
00:23:57,686 --> 00:24:01,189
And it... it really bothered me
and I felt horrified that I felt bothered.
486
00:24:01,272 --> 00:24:03,399
I guess what I really wanted
was for you to notice
487
00:24:03,484 --> 00:24:07,445
how hard it was to do stand-up
and then see that I was special.
488
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,197
Maria, I've seen your act.
489
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,325
It's super fucking hard.
I literally do nothing.
490
00:24:12,408 --> 00:24:14,578
My act is totally unsustainable.
491
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:18,707
[woman over PA] Next up, we have
Maria and Scott singing Sonny and Cher!
492
00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:20,751
[over speakers] Hey, look.
I know Mikey J's not funny
493
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:23,419
and I know his rules about comedy
are kind of bullshit.
494
00:24:23,504 --> 00:24:25,463
I've never had
a group of friends like this before.
495
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:27,883
It's a little bit like,
"Okay, we get it. You're an artist."
496
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:32,345
-Someone should turn off their mics.
-No! Let the truth dragon be revealed!
497
00:24:32,428 --> 00:24:34,765
So, what about my friends?
You... you like them, right?
498
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:37,100
I love Dagmar. She's awesome.
499
00:24:37,183 --> 00:24:39,770
Oh! Thank you so much.
Hey, everybody, I'm Dagmar. Thank you.
500
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:42,564
-Larissa's a fucking nightmare.
-What?
501
00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:45,817
She either acts like she hates my guts
and calls me a raper
502
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,904
or she thinks I'm an adorable puppy
she just wants to hug to death.
503
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:52,115
She means well.
She is a horrible assistant, though.
504
00:24:52,198 --> 00:24:54,325
I could fire her. I will. I will fire her.
505
00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:56,077
[screams] Turn it off.
506
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:58,872
Hey, clowns.
You got a hot mic situation.
507
00:24:58,955 --> 00:25:00,749
So, everyone in Bowl-e-oki
heard everything.
508
00:25:00,832 --> 00:25:02,375
-Oh, no!
-And that is not Bowl-e-okay.
509
00:25:03,251 --> 00:25:04,753
Shalom, ex-compadres.
510
00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:07,923
[Maria gasps] Ooh. Ah.
511
00:25:08,006 --> 00:25:09,257
Did we say anything bad?
512
00:25:09,340 --> 00:25:12,010
I don't think so.
We're pretty positive people.
513
00:25:12,093 --> 00:25:13,845
-No. no. We gotta go.
-Okay. Let's do it. Let's do it.
514
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,432
-[feedback]
-Oh, shit. Sorry. Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
515
00:25:17,515 --> 00:25:19,517
[upbeat music playing]
516
00:25:19,567 --> 00:25:24,117
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