Original subtitles

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

[indistinct conversations]

I think I want to be funny.

[Dagmar laughs]

That's a good one. [chuckles]

- [cell phone chimes] - [sighs]

Oh, guys...

Was it that Vaginismus guy again?

Yeah, it's like...

He wants to go for dinner.

Well, what's wrong with that?

You used to get excited when a guy would call you

after riding the rails.

Oh, yeah, like an old dirty hobo.

He's not my type of guy.

You know, he's like,

"You're great. I'd love to see you again."

I was like, "Oh, okay." What is that?

Maybe he likes you.

Huh?

And maybe you like him?

Maybe that's why you're freaked out.

- Maybe not. Maybe I don't. - Maybe so.

Maybe I think about him a little bit, just in my dreams, though.

And I've changed a couple of my passwords to "Scott"

because it's the perfect number of letters for a password,

S-C-O-T-T.

But there's no... I have to stress pee.

[laughs] Okay.

I think we should help her chill out.

I saw this amazing thing on Anderson Cooper 360,

AC360 for those of us within the Coop Troop.

It was like a meme...

meets a prank/trend.

Why do you insist on behaving like I'm your friend?

Okay, here's what we do, right?

We grab a phone when the friend is not looking,

we scroll through their contacts, randomly select one person,

and we text them, "How ya doing?" [laughs]

Oh, my God. I'm gonna do it.

Will you keep a look out?

- I'm not even listening. - Let's pick a funny name...

- [grumbling] - ...and send, "How ya..."

Think it has an apostrophe?

- Oh, she's coming. Ah! - [cell phone chimes]

Did you have fun in the bathroom?

There was a line.

Okay. [laughing]

- Oh, God! - Why's she laughing so much?

I don't know. I tune her out. I definitely recommend it.

[cell phone chimes]

- Look. - Oh, God.

Why is Jill Kwatney-Adelman texting me?

You just got "How ya doin'?" done!

[laughing] That's what's happened.

- It came out of nowhere. - Larissa, you did this? No, no.

I did it, I did it.

Jill Kwatney-Adelman and I had a huge blowout.

She hates me.

She's not gonna wanna get a "How you doin'?" from me.

Well, you're a comedian, so I thought you loved laughter.

She is the one person on my contact list who is a problem.

Anybody else, like...

like, Angela would have been... No. Okay.

Or Solange... Okay, well...

Amy, or, Sar... Joy... Jen... Bri... Sue...

No. Okay, Amy.

- Did I just mention her? - Yeah.

Okay, that... that wasn't right. Jesus.

My contact list is a minefield of shattered relationships.

[theme music playing]

[Maria] I'm a pterodactyl.

[Maria] Thanks for seeing me, Karen.

I'm worried I've ruined all my friendships.

- Friendships don't last. - [gasps]

The only friendship you need to be concerned with

is the one with the gal in the mirror.

Hmm, okay.

- Let me ask you something. - Mmm-hmm?

How would you feel if you got a "How you doin'?" from yourself?

That would throw me.

- Good, be confused. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Sit with it. - Well, that's great, um...

but I'm just worried, 'cause like,

the only two friends who will still be friends with me

are Dagmar and Larissa.

Yeah, because you're bipolar

and you're hard to stay friends with.

People are just gonna fall by the wayside.

And that's life...

for you.

Oh.

- Get to know it. - Okay.

I'm actually bipolar II, which means...

That you're twice as hard to stay friends with...

than normal.

You know what they say,

"Bipolar, bye-bye friends."

Do they say that?

I think they probably wouldn't to your face,

but they'd say it to their real friends.

I think that would be funny for all of them.

[Maria] Oh...

Maybe I should make things right with Jill Kwatney-Adelman.

Maybe this is a part of my road to wellness,

to reconnect, to try again.

- Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. - Yeah?

Everyone's coming from a different place...

From those places come different feelings.

I need to get in touch with those people

and their feelings.

And then I'll never leave another friend behind, you know?

I'll call it, "No friend left behind."

What did you just say?

No friend left behind.

That is very good. That is... very good.

[chuckles] Does it give you insight into my psyche?

Oh, fuck, no. [laughs]

You're just a locked vault of inscrutable personality defects.

But... I'm looking for a title for my new book.

- Okay. - I've also been looking for content, so...

boom! Big day for Mrs. Me. [laughs]

[kisses] Yeah.

- That's great. - "No friend left behind."

- We're done. - Okay.

[Maria] I decided to put "No friend left behind"

into action and reach out to Jill Kwatney-Adelman.

Yes, I know. She might be angry. Don't take it personally,

she's not mad at you.

- [whispers] Oh, God. - [Jill] Maria?

Maria fucking Bamford?

Oh, my goodness! It's Jill Kwatney-Adelman!

Actually, it's Jill Kwatney now.

[growls]

Oh, okay.

- JK. - [Maria chuckles]

"JK," so, you're kidding?

Why would I kid about my divorce?

Those are my initials, asswipe.

Okay, bad start.

Rewind.

[imitates tape rewinding]

[imitates baby crying]

Oh, too far back.

Fast forward.

[in an old woman's voice] I'm an old woman now.

The singularity.

I am fusing with all time and space.

[imitates tape rewinding]

[in normal voice] I'm here!

Hi, how are you?

Jill? Gosh, it's just so crazy...

What're you doing here? [laughs]

I'm herding sheep.

Oh!

- Everybody knows I herd sheep. - [laughs]

Oh, well, no, but, that's so funny.

I'm here with Bert for the exact same activity.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

You're gonna herd sheep with a pug?

I am.

It seems pretty funny to me

that I get a weird text from you, out of the blue,

after not speaking to you in forever.

And then, boom!

Here you are,

just "running into me" at the one activity you know I love

that you previously had zero interest in.

Yeah... yeah...

- yeah... - [buzzer sounds]

Well, it's time for my class,

that's if you're taking the class,

not fucking me in the face with your bullshit.

I am taking the class

and I am not fucking you in the face at all.

Neither is Bert.

[barks]

[announcer over PA] Next up, Jill Kwatney and Rusty.

Rusty, go!

[Jill] Attaboy!

Round those bitches up!

- [sheep bleating] - Hee-yah! Hee-yah!

[softly] Oh, she's good.

- Rusty, come by! Come by, boy. - [barks]

Away!

Shake that ass!

[sheep bleating]

That's my lovemaker.

Take notes, Bert. Take notes.

[panting]

- [Rusty barking] - Get her, Rusty.

Get her.

You got a bogey to the left.

Wake the fuck up, Rusty! Come on!

Good boy, Rusty.

- That's my man! - Oh, brother.

That'll do. That's my boy.

Kisses. Ahh...

[Jill chuckles]

All right, Bamford,

let's see what you got.

[whispering] Bert, I want you to look deeply into your soul

and if you have even an ounce of sheep herder within you...

[breathes deeply] pull it out now.

Pull it out.

[laughing]

[bleating]

[buzzer sounds]

[nervously] Go, Bert.

[Bert barking]

[gasps]

Holy shit-fucker.

Go, Bert, go!

[gasps] That's one impressive fuck.

He's magic!

- Oh! - [crowd applauding]

That'll do, Bert!

[whispers] That'll do.

That's the worst sheep herding I've ever seen.

Huh?

JK!

Just kidding. Your dog is fantastic! JK!

[laughs] Wait, you're kidding again?

No, I initialed my approval as a sign of sincerity.

- [both laughing] - Wow!

God, today is such a gift.

Maria, I know we've had our differences,

but this dog is something else.

I could train you and I could take you

all the way to nationals.

Oh...

Which isn't far because it takes place here,

in my home ring.

- Okay. - The real ponderable is...

Mmm-hmm?

Are you prepared to propel this pug to the pinnacle of his pooch profession?

I am. Proudly.

[both screaming and giggling]

It's so crazy how we're so close now.

- [Jill] I know. - Come here. Oh...

- [screaming] - Oh, God!

[Maria] I guess you're wondering how this relationship got off track.

Oh, listen to this, hun-bun bear.

Oprah and Gayle are gonna go to outer space

and, you know, maybe...

try and broadcast a show from there.

Oh.

Would you go into outer space if you had the chance?

Yes.

[Jill] Knock, knock, special delivery. Fun on four legs.

[Marilyn] Hi, Jill.

Oh, you are such a good friend.

You're just like your mom, God rest her soul.

She didn't see that hockey puck coming, did she?

And look at that!

You brought that sweet, precious Dusty with you.

Maria just loves your dog.

Well, that's not Dusty. We had to put Dusty down.

Well, he did it himself. I put a gun and some pills in his crate...

- and he did the rest. - Really?

This is Rusty. She's a genetic clone of Dusty.

All the good parts, none of the diarrhea.

Well, look at you, playing God.

I think I'm gonna go to the cafeteria...

and get Rusty some Jell-O.

- Have a seat. - [Jill] Thank you.

- All right, I'll be right back. - All right. Rusty, away.

How are you?

I don't wanna live anymore.

Oh, I heard that.

So, listen...

I was reading about depression and mental illness

in my latest issue of Bark.

And it turns out that the human brain

is more like a dog's brain than people think.

Let me try something that I do with my dogs before we compete.

Who's a good boy?

[gasps] Who wants num-nums?

Who's gonna get it?

[blows dog whistle]

- Away! - [barking]

So how do you feel now?

Like I want to kill myself.

Oh, still?

[sighs]

Okay, fine.

If you don't want to be happy...

I will give you my permission to...

let go.

You just say the word

and I will leave you alone with Rusty.

She's worked hospice before. She knows what to do.

[inhales deeply] Okay.

You won't feel a thing. It'll take about an hour.

Rusty, lights out.

[Maria] Rusty made several attempts to kill me.

It proved to me, not that I wanted to live,

but that I didn't want to be killed by a dog.

I have Jill to thank for that.

Can you believe this dingleberry, not two months ago,

was lying in the hospital all like,

"I don't want to live. I want to kill myself."

Now look at her. Having a drink, enjoying the nightlife.

- [Maria chuckles] - Aren't you glad yours truly, JK,

kicked your ass and said, "Get the H up, girl! Get it!"

[laughing] I herded her out of death's corral.

Get it! Come by! Away! [laughing]

That's shepherd talk.

Ooh, look at my hot-as-shit husband over there.

Norm Adelman. Mmm, mmm, mmm. He's a good boy.

- Mmm-hmm. - He's a real good boy.

Maybe one day you'll get someone to put a ring on it.

- Yeah... - [clicks tongue] Hardware. JK.

Oh, yeah. Norm's pretty great. He's great.

Married nine years next month.

- Oh... - Remember our wedding?

Yeah, so fun!

Remember you never got us a present?

I feel horrible about that.

Yeah. Not horrible enough to make it right.

- Oh, okay. - [chuckles]

Oh, my shit. There's my crush.

Ho!

- Who? - His name's Todd.

He works at Aetna with Norm.

He's pretty cute.

One time he was playing tennis with Norm

and he lunged in for a drop shot

and totally turkey-eyeballed me. [scoffs]

Know what I mean by turkey-eyeballed?

No.

His balls came out of his shorts.

Okay.

- I got to go wizzle my dizzle. - Okay, yeah.

- Hello, Todd. - Hey.

[Todd] Beer.

You sure like chips.

What? Oh.

Yeah, sorry.

This...

Sometimes I eat compulsively when... I feel anxious.

I'm Todd. I work with Norm.

I'm Maria. I'm friends with Jill.

I just got out of a mental hospital.

Makes sense if you're friends with Jill.

[laughs]

[muffled] That's funny.

You wanna go out sometime?

What? [stutters] With me?

Like on a date?

Yeah? Yeah. [laughs nervously]

Cool, I'll get your number. I'll call ya.

Very cool.

[chuckling]

Do you have a new asshole?

What?

If you don't, I'm gonna buy you one so I can rip it for you.

- [kicks counter] - I had dibs on Todd.

What... You can't have dibs, you're married.

Shh! Don't say that. My husband is right there.

Dibs are dibs, asswipe.

Consider this a friendship ender.

Wait, you're just...

You're gonna call off our friendship?

Yeah, I am. Friendship over.

If my husband asks, it's because of the wedding present

that you never gave us.

Goodbye, ex-friend.

I hope you enjoy getting your butt fingered by Todd.

Norm!

Away.

They're my ride.

[Maria] God, life's so quirky, you know?

[stutters] I decided to herd with Bert.

Then boom, you know, I see you.

It's like the universe doesn't want us to not be friends.

Whoa, look at that pretzel bread sandwich.

Mmm, I want that so bad.

You should get it. You deserve it.

Oh, I can't.

- I have celiac disease. - Oh.

- [imitates whooshing] Whoop. - Oh.

- That's the sign for celiac. - Ah.

Gluten-free since 2003.

- Raise the roof. - [man] Fuck you.

I didn't... I had no idea. I didn't know.

Well, we haven't really had any...

Boy, that sandwich does look good.

I think I'm gonna get it. [chuckles]

- I have a gift for you. - [gasps]

- What? - Yeah. It's your wedding gift.

- I didn't... Yeah. - [gasps] Thank you.

Congratulations.

- Oh. - I'm sorry that I didn't

give it to you before your divorce.

Oh, it's okay. It's never too late to get a present.

[chuckling]

It's a pizza stone.

Do you hate it? Oh...

Oh, God! Oh!

I can't believe you can sit here and shove that pretzel bread in my face!

The only thing I'm more allergic to than wheat

is your gluten-covered bullshit!

It's you and Todd Swain-Villagatos all over again!

And then you had the balls to get me a pizza stone?

How many ways can you offend me with bread?

You're like the Viet Cong of celiac! And this is your...

Bread Offensive!

[Maria mumbling]

Hey... No friend left behind!

- What? - Yes.

I am so sorry, Jill. I don't know what I was thinking.

You are totally right.

[stutters] I was very, very selfish in ordering this pretzel bread sandwich.

Sometimes my blood sugar gets low

and I don't think straight.

Hmm, that sounded like it started as a true apology,

- but now I'm hearing excuses. - Okay.

You're right. You're right.

What I did was inexcusable.

Our friendship is worth so much more to me

than any pretzel bread.

And?

I'm sorry...

And?

I love you?

And?

I... am ready to herd sheep!

That's the sign of a champion.

- Oh! [sighs] Oh... - And a friend.

- A champion friend. - Okay.

- [both laugh] - I herd that.

- [both laughing] - What?

You herd? [laughs]

- You herd that? - [both laughing]

Friendship, that's all that matters.

[Maria] No friend left behind.

That was the answer.

If only I had known that in the past.

I love my new Maria Bamford Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot.

It combines my two favorite things:

jogging and peppers.

Sometimes I just need to do this.

[whirring]

[crunching]

Mmm!

Oh, I'm sorry... Hey, can we...

Can we stop for a second?

- I can't breathe. - [man] Cut!

I'm getting pepper seeds down in my lungs.

- Okay. - [Bruce] Maria.

Bruce?

You're banned from this lot.

Oh, fuck me.

- How did you get past security? - All I had to do...

- was slip by this one... - [grunts]

Oh, God, Bruce! No, wait.

I know him. Don't touch him!

He's been on a shit cruise. Yeah.

Oh, Bruce. [panting]

Bruce, are you alive?

- I'm okay. - Okay.

- It's fine. - Okay, good.

Barbara used to run me over with her car.

Billy Shatner taught me how to roll with the impact.

[Karen] Well, well. Here we go again.

Johnny Shit Cruise Sequoia Fucker just came

out of the sea to drag you back to his shit ship.

What're you doing with that monkey on your back?

It's not a monkey. It's a Maria Bamford Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot!

[Pepper-bot speaks] [Karen] The only monkey

on her back is you, Bruce.

Fuck off, tree!

Shrub, actually.

You never fed me peppers.

I'm a mogul. I'm a brand!

I'm a tastemaker, I'm a pacemaker.

- Preach! - I'm an earthquaker, I'm J. Lo.

- Better than that. I'm M. Lo. - Word!

- Better than that, I'm M. Bam. - Word.

I'm better than that, I'm Bam, Bam, Bam...

Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam...

- [Maria continues] - Listen to the biotch.

Listen to my biotch.

[Maria and Pepper-bot] Bam, Bam, Bam...

She's really funny, right?

Bam. I keep getting better. God!

Suck it, life!

Maria, you're talking way too fast.

You're really getting me scared.

- Are you okay? - Well, I'm okay.

I'm more than okay. You're the tree.

I'm a shrub.

Look at you, just out there thinking about yourself.

Just like trees!

This is what you do. You play the sympathy card.

You're a manipulator.

That's why Kindler stays.

That's why Barbara stays.

On that point, allow me to correct you.

- Barbara has not stayed. - [Karen] Know what?

You should just change your name to Boo-hoo-ruce.

Boo-hoo-ruce!

Boo-hoo-ruce!

Boo-hoo-ruce!

[all chanting] Boo-hoo-ruce! Boo-hoo-ruce!

Boo-hoo-ruce! Boo-hoo-ruce!

- [chanting continues] - You know, I had this exact dream.

I'm standing here, dressed like a shrub,

being openly derided by a group of my betters.

[chanting continues] Boo-hoo-ruce!

[Pepper-bot] Boo-hoo-ruce!

- Boo-hoo-ruce! - [chanting stops]

So that's it, Maria?

We're over?

Friendship and all?

[voice trembling] Yes, Bruce.

We're over.

[sighs]

I'll always cherish you.

[straining]

- [muffled crying] - You don't need him.

- You're one of us now. - Okay.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you, too.

- Come here. Come here. - Okay.

- [grunts] - Ow.

[Maria] Bruce was a true friend and I left him behind.

So I was determined not to repeat that mistake

with Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney.

[Maria] Bert, what's wrong, kid?

Aren't you excited to compete?

Come on, I know you want to share your gifts.

[announcer over PA] Second call,

Bert Bamford to the arena.

- What's going on? - I don't know.

He's just a little off.

You better get him on.

We need him for the group scores. If Bert doesn't compete, we lose.

- He just doesn't seem into it. - [whimpering]

I don't know what... Oh...

You need to be the alpha, Maria.

He doesn't know what he wants.

You tell him what you want.

Bert, this is... We want you, if you can, to try...

[announcer] Final call for Bert Bamford.

For fuck's sake, give me the dog.

[Bert whines frantically]

No, he doesn't like that!

Nobody likes that!

[panting]

[distorted voice] No!

[screams]

Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney,

I embarked upon this personal quest to honor my promise to the universe,

to leave no friend left behind.

Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney...

friend...

I leave thee... behind.

Oh, that's great.

Fuck you, Maria!

- And fuck you. - [dog whimpers]

[Maria sobbing]

I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry, Bert.

[sobbing] I'm so sorry, Bert.

You had great talent

and I let my bullshit interfere in your destiny.

[Bert] Sweet Maria.

Oh, Bert. [sobbing]

[Bert] It was never my destiny to herd sheep.

This wrinkled, slobbering body is capable of many great things.

I am a painter, philosopher, writer of poetry,

- but I desire to do none of these things. - Okay.

[Bert] I choose to lie upon the hardwood floor, snoring my life away.

Yeah.

And occasionally shitting where I sleep.

Oh.

[Bert] The truth of the matter is

I was the gasoline that inflamed Jill Kwatney-Adelman's fire

and revealed her awful, demonic force.

You bear no responsibility for her striking me.

For like Jesus on the cross...

- I sacrificed myself for you... - [chuckles]

...so you might see that she was no friend at all.

And ergo, could and indeed, must be left behind.

Oh.

Your promise to the universe remains unbroken.

[sobbing] Bert.

Bert!

You are a true friend.

You are one friend who I will never leave behind!

- [cell phone chimes] - Oh. [chuckles]

[gasps] It's from Scott.

[Bert] What does his text say?

He says, "How you doin'?" Huh.

Is he saying hi?

Or is he doing that Anderson Cooper 360 prank meme?

[Bert] I can only lead you so far. You are no sheep.

It is your job to decide indeed

if this is just an Anderson Cooper 360 viral prank meme,

or if this is an opportunity to really feel something.

I got it, Bert.

[keypad clacking]

[cell phone chimes]

[whispers] Thank you, Bert.

[echoing] Thanks, Bert!

[cell phone chimes]

[cell phone chimes]

[keypad beeping]

[cell phone chiming]

[choir singing] I don't know what I'm doing

More than half of the time

[upbeat music playing]

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