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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxxwww.addic7ed.com
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[indistinct conversations]
3
00:00:09,636 --> 00:00:11,137
I think I want to be funny.
4
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[Dagmar laughs]
5
00:00:12,305 --> 00:00:14,182
That's a good one. [chuckles]
6
00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,975
- [cell phone chimes]
- [sighs]
7
00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:17,310
Oh, guys...
8
00:00:17,393 --> 00:00:19,270
Was it that Vaginismus guy again?
9
00:00:19,354 --> 00:00:20,355
Yeah, it's like...
10
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:22,148
He wants to go for dinner.
11
00:00:22,232 --> 00:00:24,067
Well, what's wrong with that?
12
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:26,152
You used to get excited
when a guy would call you
13
00:00:26,236 --> 00:00:27,403
after riding the rails.
14
00:00:27,487 --> 00:00:30,156
Oh, yeah, like an old dirty hobo.
15
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,658
He's not my type of guy.
16
00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:33,034
You know, he's like,
17
00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:35,119
"You're great. I'd love to see you again."
18
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,789
I was like, "Oh, okay." What is that?
19
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,082
Maybe he likes you.
20
00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,583
Huh?
21
00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:42,168
And maybe you like him?
22
00:00:42,252 --> 00:00:44,003
Maybe that's why you're freaked out.
23
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:46,130
- Maybe not. Maybe I don't.
- Maybe so.
24
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:49,676
Maybe I think about him a little bit,
just in my dreams, though.
25
00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:52,595
And I've changed
a couple of my passwords to "Scott"
26
00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:55,974
because it's the perfect
number of letters for a password,
27
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,309
S-C-O-T-T.
28
00:00:58,393 --> 00:01:01,271
But there's no... I have to stress pee.
29
00:01:01,396 --> 00:01:02,355
[laughs] Okay.
30
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:05,275
I think we should help her chill out.
31
00:01:05,358 --> 00:01:08,820
I saw this amazing thing
on Anderson Cooper 360,
32
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,489
AC360 for those of us
within the Coop Troop.
33
00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,283
It was like a meme...
34
00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,451
meets a prank/trend.
35
00:01:15,535 --> 00:01:18,079
Why do you insist on behaving
like I'm your friend?
36
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,747
Okay, here's what we do, right?
37
00:01:19,831 --> 00:01:22,333
We grab a phone
when the friend is not looking,
38
00:01:22,417 --> 00:01:25,586
we scroll through their contacts,
randomly select one person,
39
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:28,548
and we text them, "How ya doing?" [laughs]
40
00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,591
Oh, my God. I'm gonna do it.
41
00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:32,093
Will you keep a look out?
42
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:34,971
- I'm not even listening.
- Let's pick a funny name...
43
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,973
- [grumbling]
- ...and send, "How ya..."
44
00:01:37,056 --> 00:01:38,057
Think it has an apostrophe?
45
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,852
- Oh, she's coming. Ah!
- [cell phone chimes]
46
00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:46,316
Did you have fun in the bathroom?
47
00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:47,483
There was a line.
48
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,527
Okay. [laughing]
49
00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,196
- Oh, God!
- Why's she laughing so much?
50
00:01:53,573 --> 00:01:56,909
I don't know. I tune her out.
I definitely recommend it.
51
00:01:56,993 --> 00:01:58,202
[cell phone chimes]
52
00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,954
- Look.
- Oh, God.
53
00:02:01,748 --> 00:02:03,833
Why is Jill Kwatney-Adelman texting me?
54
00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:07,420
You just got "How ya doin'?" done!
55
00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:09,464
[laughing] That's what's happened.
56
00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:12,717
- It came out of nowhere.
- Larissa, you did this? No, no.
57
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,093
I did it, I did it.
58
00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:17,221
Jill Kwatney-Adelman
and I had a huge blowout.
59
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,723
She hates me.
60
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:22,060
She's not gonna wanna get a
"How you doin'?" from me.
61
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:25,605
Well, you're a comedian,
so I thought you loved laughter.
62
00:02:25,688 --> 00:02:29,609
She is the one person
on my contact list who is a problem.
63
00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,611
Anybody else, like...
64
00:02:31,694 --> 00:02:34,614
like, Angela would have been... No. Okay.
65
00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:36,741
Or Solange... Okay, well...
66
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:39,535
Amy, or, Sar...
Joy... Jen... Bri... Sue...
67
00:02:40,370 --> 00:02:42,705
No. Okay, Amy.
68
00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:44,582
- Did I just mention her?
- Yeah.
69
00:02:44,666 --> 00:02:47,043
Okay, that... that wasn't right.
Jesus.
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00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:51,464
My contact list is a minefield
of shattered relationships.
71
00:02:52,465 --> 00:02:54,467
[theme music playing]
72
00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:05,353
[Maria] I'm a pterodactyl.
73
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,815
[Maria] Thanks for seeing me, Karen.
74
00:03:08,898 --> 00:03:10,858
I'm worried
I've ruined all my friendships.
75
00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:12,819
- Friendships don't last.
- [gasps]
76
00:03:13,403 --> 00:03:15,863
The only friendship
you need to be concerned with
77
00:03:15,947 --> 00:03:18,866
is the one with the gal in the mirror.
78
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:19,826
Hmm, okay.
79
00:03:19,909 --> 00:03:21,619
- Let me ask you something.
- Mmm-hmm?
80
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:25,456
How would you feel if you got
a "How you doin'?" from yourself?
81
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:27,959
That would throw me.
82
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,710
- Good, be confused.
- Yeah. Yeah.
83
00:03:29,794 --> 00:03:32,130
- Sit with it.
- Well, that's great, um...
84
00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,965
but I'm just worried, 'cause like,
85
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:37,135
the only two friends
who will still be friends with me
86
00:03:37,218 --> 00:03:38,970
are Dagmar and Larissa.
87
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:40,722
Yeah, because you're bipolar
88
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,473
and you're hard to stay friends with.
89
00:03:42,557 --> 00:03:44,726
People are just gonna fall by the wayside.
90
00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:45,810
And that's life...
91
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:46,853
for you.
92
00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:47,937
Oh.
93
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:51,691
- Get to know it.
- Okay.
94
00:03:51,774 --> 00:03:53,943
I'm actually bipolar II, which means...
95
00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,362
That you're twice as hard
to stay friends with...
96
00:03:56,446 --> 00:03:57,280
than normal.
97
00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:58,698
You know what they say,
98
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:01,325
"Bipolar, bye-bye friends."
99
00:04:01,993 --> 00:04:03,119
Do they say that?
100
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,163
I think they probably
wouldn't to your face,
101
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,914
but they'd say it to their real friends.
102
00:04:06,998 --> 00:04:09,125
I think that would be funny
for all of them.
103
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:10,209
[Maria] Oh...
104
00:04:11,461 --> 00:04:14,380
Maybe I should make things right
with Jill Kwatney-Adelman.
105
00:04:14,464 --> 00:04:17,175
Maybe this is a part
of my road to wellness,
106
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:19,761
to reconnect, to try again.
107
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,055
- Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.
- Yeah?
108
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,808
Everyone's coming
from a different place...
109
00:04:25,892 --> 00:04:27,977
From those places come different feelings.
110
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,730
I need to get in touch with those people
111
00:04:30,813 --> 00:04:32,440
and their feelings.
112
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:37,737
And then I'll never leave
another friend behind, you know?
113
00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:39,947
I'll call it, "No friend left behind."
114
00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:42,408
What did you just say?
115
00:04:42,492 --> 00:04:44,535
No friend left behind.
116
00:04:44,619 --> 00:04:47,413
That is very good. That is... very good.
117
00:04:48,039 --> 00:04:51,751
[chuckles] Does it give you insight
into my psyche?
118
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,002
Oh, fuck, no. [laughs]
119
00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:57,215
You're just a locked vault
of inscrutable personality defects.
120
00:04:57,799 --> 00:05:00,843
But... I'm looking
for a title for my new book.
121
00:05:00,927 --> 00:05:03,763
- Okay.
- I've also been looking for content, so...
122
00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:06,641
boom! Big day for Mrs. Me. [laughs]
123
00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,059
[kisses] Yeah.
124
00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:10,728
- That's great.
- "No friend left behind."
125
00:05:10,812 --> 00:05:12,605
- We're done.
- Okay.
126
00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:14,899
[Maria] I decided to put"No friend left behind"
127
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,735
into action and reach outto Jill Kwatney-Adelman.
128
00:05:17,819 --> 00:05:20,988
Yes, I know. She might be angry.
Don't take it personally,
129
00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:23,199
she's not mad at you.
130
00:05:23,282 --> 00:05:25,409
- [whispers] Oh, God.
- [Jill] Maria?
131
00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:29,080
Maria fucking Bamford?
132
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:34,377
Oh, my goodness!
It's Jill Kwatney-Adelman!
133
00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,087
Actually, it's Jill Kwatney now.
134
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,547
[growls]
135
00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:38,839
Oh, okay.
136
00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,299
- JK.
- [Maria chuckles]
137
00:05:41,092 --> 00:05:42,760
"JK," so, you're kidding?
138
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,804
Why would I kid about my divorce?
139
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,306
Those are my initials, asswipe.
140
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,850
Okay, bad start.
141
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:51,519
Rewind.
142
00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,937
[imitates tape rewinding]
143
00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,730
[imitates baby crying]
144
00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:57,817
Oh, too far back.
145
00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,026
Fast forward.
146
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:02,029
[in an old woman's voice]
I'm an old woman now.
147
00:06:02,113 --> 00:06:03,739
The singularity.
148
00:06:03,823 --> 00:06:06,492
I am fusing with all time and space.
149
00:06:06,576 --> 00:06:07,743
[imitates tape rewinding]
150
00:06:07,827 --> 00:06:09,120
[in normal voice] I'm here!
151
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:10,788
Hi, how are you?
152
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,292
Jill? Gosh, it's just so crazy...
153
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:16,961
What're you doing here? [laughs]
154
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,254
I'm herding sheep.
155
00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:19,880
Oh!
156
00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:22,216
- Everybody knows I herd sheep.
- [laughs]
157
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,344
Oh, well, no, but, that's so funny.
158
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:30,600
I'm here with Bert
for the exact same activity.
159
00:06:30,683 --> 00:06:31,976
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
160
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,145
You're gonna herd sheep with a pug?
161
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,272
I am.
162
00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,024
It seems pretty funny to me
163
00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:40,693
that I get a weird text from you,
out of the blue,
164
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:42,403
after not speaking to you in forever.
165
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,113
And then, boom!
166
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,948
Here you are,
167
00:06:46,032 --> 00:06:49,160
just "running into me"
at the one activity you know I love
168
00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,621
that you previously had zero interest in.
169
00:06:51,704 --> 00:06:54,457
Yeah... yeah...
170
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,251
- yeah...
- [buzzer sounds]
171
00:06:57,335 --> 00:06:59,086
Well, it's time for my class,
172
00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,463
that's if you're taking the class,
173
00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:03,049
not fucking me in the face
with your bullshit.
174
00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,884
I am taking the class
175
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:08,679
and I am not fucking you
in the face at all.
176
00:07:09,639 --> 00:07:10,723
Neither is Bert.
177
00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:11,974
[barks]
178
00:07:12,058 --> 00:07:15,519
[announcer over PA] Next up,Jill Kwatney and Rusty.
179
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,355
Rusty, go!
180
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:18,648
[Jill] Attaboy!
181
00:07:18,731 --> 00:07:20,024
Round those bitches up!
182
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,568
- [sheep bleating]
- Hee-yah! Hee-yah!
183
00:07:22,652 --> 00:07:24,028
[softly] Oh, she's good.
184
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,988
- Rusty, come by! Come by, boy.
- [barks]
185
00:07:26,072 --> 00:07:27,198
Away!
186
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:28,157
Shake that ass!
187
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,533
[sheep bleating]
188
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,910
That's my lovemaker.
189
00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,329
Take notes, Bert. Take notes.
190
00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,914
[panting]
191
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,874
- [Rusty barking]
- Get her, Rusty.
192
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,126
Get her.
193
00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:41,295
You got a bogey to the left.
194
00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:43,130
Wake the fuck up, Rusty! Come on!
195
00:07:43,214 --> 00:07:44,548
Good boy, Rusty.
196
00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:48,844
- That's my man!
- Oh, brother.
197
00:07:48,928 --> 00:07:51,013
That'll do. That's my boy.
198
00:07:51,097 --> 00:07:52,932
Kisses. Ahh...
199
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:56,102
[Jill chuckles]
200
00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:57,353
All right, Bamford,
201
00:07:58,187 --> 00:07:59,563
let's see what you got.
202
00:08:01,232 --> 00:08:04,318
[whispering] Bert, I want you to look
deeply into your soul
203
00:08:04,402 --> 00:08:07,989
and if you have even an ounce
of sheep herder within you...
204
00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:11,033
[breathes deeply] pull it out now.
205
00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:13,661
Pull it out.
206
00:08:14,954 --> 00:08:16,414
[laughing]
207
00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:24,296
[bleating]
208
00:08:28,426 --> 00:08:30,094
[buzzer sounds]
209
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,470
[nervously] Go, Bert.
210
00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:33,347
[Bert barking]
211
00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:39,979
[gasps]
212
00:08:40,855 --> 00:08:42,398
Holy shit-fucker.
213
00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:48,112
Go, Bert, go!
214
00:08:52,158 --> 00:08:54,118
[gasps] That's one impressive fuck.
215
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,870
He's magic!
216
00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:05,379
- Oh!
- [crowd applauding]
217
00:09:05,463 --> 00:09:07,923
That'll do, Bert!
218
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:09,842
[whispers] That'll do.
219
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:14,055
That's the worst sheep herding
I've ever seen.
220
00:09:14,764 --> 00:09:15,765
Huh?
221
00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:17,266
JK!
222
00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:20,144
Just kidding. Your dog is fantastic! JK!
223
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,480
[laughs] Wait, you're kidding again?
224
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,732
No, I initialed my approval
as a sign of sincerity.
225
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:27,068
- [both laughing]
- Wow!
226
00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:29,779
God, today is such a gift.
227
00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:32,531
Maria, I know we've had our differences,
228
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,241
but this dog is something else.
229
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,119
I could train you and I could take you
230
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:39,455
all the way to nationals.
231
00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:40,539
Oh...
232
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:43,000
Which isn't far
because it takes place here,
233
00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:43,959
in my home ring.
234
00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:46,295
- Okay.
- The real ponderable is...
235
00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:47,379
Mmm-hmm?
236
00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:51,509
Are you prepared to propel this pug
to the pinnacle of his pooch profession?
237
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:54,178
I am. Proudly.
238
00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:57,640
[both screaming and giggling]
239
00:09:58,474 --> 00:10:01,227
It's so crazy
how we're so close now.
240
00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:03,187
- [Jill] I know.
- Come here. Oh...
241
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:04,522
- [screaming]
- Oh, God!
242
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:08,359
[Maria] I guess you're wonderinghow this relationship got off track.
243
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,319
Oh, listen to this, hun-bun bear.
244
00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:13,572
Oprah and Gayle are gonna go
to outer space
245
00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:15,616
and, you know, maybe...
246
00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:17,785
try and broadcast a show from there.
247
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:19,245
Oh.
248
00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:22,039
Would you go into outer space
if you had the chance?
249
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,000
Yes.
250
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,754
[Jill] Knock, knock, special delivery.
Fun on four legs.
251
00:10:28,838 --> 00:10:30,840
[Marilyn] Hi, Jill.
252
00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:32,675
Oh, you are such a good friend.
253
00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:35,886
You're just like your mom,
God rest her soul.
254
00:10:35,970 --> 00:10:38,180
She didn't see that
hockey puck coming, did she?
255
00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:40,516
And look at that!
256
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:43,602
You brought that sweet,
precious Dusty with you.
257
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,354
Maria just loves your dog.
258
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:48,482
Well, that's not Dusty.
We had to put Dusty down.
259
00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:52,069
Well, he did it himself.
I put a gun and some pills in his crate...
260
00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:53,696
- and he did the rest.
- Really?
261
00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:57,116
This is Rusty.
She's a genetic clone of Dusty.
262
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:58,993
All the good parts, none of the diarrhea.
263
00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:01,537
Well, look at you, playing God.
264
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:04,665
I think I'm gonna go to the cafeteria...
265
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,917
and get Rusty some Jell-O.
266
00:11:07,585 --> 00:11:09,086
- Have a seat.
- [Jill] Thank you.
267
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:13,257
- All right, I'll be right back.
- All right. Rusty, away.
268
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,135
How are you?
269
00:11:16,886 --> 00:11:18,429
I don't wanna live anymore.
270
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,264
Oh, I heard that.
271
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,682
So, listen...
272
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,226
I was reading about
depression and mental illness
273
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,769
in my latest issue of Bark.
274
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,897
And it turns out
that the human brain
275
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,815
is more like a dog's brain
than people think.
276
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:34,236
Let me try something
that I do with my dogs before we compete.
277
00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:38,824
Who's a good boy?
278
00:11:38,908 --> 00:11:41,243
[gasps] Who wants num-nums?
279
00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:42,328
Who's gonna get it?
280
00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:45,414
[blows dog whistle]
281
00:11:46,248 --> 00:11:47,875
- Away!
- [barking]
282
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:51,086
So how do you feel now?
283
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:52,630
Like I want to kill myself.
284
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,006
Oh, still?
285
00:11:55,049 --> 00:11:56,050
[sighs]
286
00:11:57,176 --> 00:11:58,177
Okay, fine.
287
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,970
If you don't want to be happy...
288
00:12:00,054 --> 00:12:03,557
I will give you my permission to...
289
00:12:03,641 --> 00:12:04,642
let go.
290
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,144
You just say the word
291
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,563
and I will leave you alone with Rusty.
292
00:12:09,647 --> 00:12:12,107
She's worked hospice before.
She knows what to do.
293
00:12:12,191 --> 00:12:14,860
[inhales deeply] Okay.
294
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,448
You won't feel a thing.
It'll take about an hour.
295
00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:25,996
Rusty, lights out.
296
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,461
[Maria] Rusty made several attemptsto kill me.
297
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:34,880
It proved to me,not that I wanted to live,
298
00:12:34,964 --> 00:12:37,091
but that I didn't want to bekilled by a dog.
299
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:38,634
I have Jill to thank for that.
300
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:41,762
Can you believe this dingleberry,
not two months ago,
301
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,639
was lying in the hospital all like,
302
00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:46,100
"I don't want to live.
I want to kill myself."
303
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,602
Now look at her.
Having a drink, enjoying the nightlife.
304
00:12:48,686 --> 00:12:51,271
- [Maria chuckles]
- Aren't you glad yours truly, JK,
305
00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:54,358
kicked your ass and said,
"Get the H up, girl! Get it!"
306
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,944
[laughing] I herded her
out of death's corral.
307
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,863
Get it! Come by! Away! [laughing]
308
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,032
That's shepherd talk.
309
00:13:02,992 --> 00:13:05,494
Ooh, look at my hot-as-shit
husband over there.
310
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:08,372
Norm Adelman. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
He's a good boy.
311
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,833
- Mmm-hmm.
- He's a real good boy.
312
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:13,460
Maybe one day you'll get someone
to put a ring on it.
313
00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:16,046
- Yeah...
- [clicks tongue] Hardware. JK.
314
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:18,590
Oh, yeah. Norm's pretty great. He's great.
315
00:13:18,674 --> 00:13:20,259
Married nine years next month.
316
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:21,677
- Oh...
- Remember our wedding?
317
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,637
Yeah, so fun!
318
00:13:23,721 --> 00:13:24,972
Remember you never got us a present?
319
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,598
I feel horrible about that.
320
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:29,059
Yeah.
Not horrible enough to make it right.
321
00:13:29,143 --> 00:13:30,436
- Oh, okay.
- [chuckles]
322
00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:33,772
Oh, my shit. There's my crush.
323
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:35,149
Ho!
324
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,317
- Who?
- His name's Todd.
325
00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:39,528
He works at Aetna with Norm.
326
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,612
He's pretty cute.
327
00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:42,614
One time he was playing tennis
with Norm
328
00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:44,450
and he lunged in for a drop shot
329
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:47,703
and totally turkey-eyeballed me. [scoffs]
330
00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:50,748
Know what I mean by turkey-eyeballed?
331
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:52,624
No.
332
00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:54,126
His balls came out of his shorts.
333
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:55,210
Okay.
334
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,380
- I got to go wizzle my dizzle.
- Okay, yeah.
335
00:14:01,050 --> 00:14:03,135
- Hello, Todd.
- Hey.
336
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:04,219
[Todd] Beer.
337
00:14:08,474 --> 00:14:09,725
You sure like chips.
338
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,645
What? Oh.
339
00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:15,147
Yeah, sorry.
340
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,398
This...
341
00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:20,736
Sometimes I eat compulsively when...
I feel anxious.
342
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:23,864
I'm Todd.
I work with Norm.
343
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,492
I'm Maria. I'm friends with Jill.
344
00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:28,494
I just got out of a mental hospital.
345
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:30,704
Makes sense if you're friends with Jill.
346
00:14:30,788 --> 00:14:31,914
[laughs]
347
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:33,916
[muffled] That's funny.
348
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,377
You wanna go out sometime?
349
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,379
What? [stutters] With me?
350
00:14:38,462 --> 00:14:39,755
Like on a date?
351
00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:43,675
Yeah? Yeah. [laughs nervously]
352
00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:45,552
Cool, I'll get your number. I'll call ya.
353
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:46,720
Very cool.
354
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:51,100
[chuckling]
355
00:14:53,394 --> 00:14:54,645
Do you have a new asshole?
356
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:55,938
What?
357
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,149
If you don't, I'm gonna buy you one
so I can rip it for you.
358
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:02,694
- [kicks counter]
- I had dibs on Todd.
359
00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:04,738
What... You can't have dibs,
you're married.
360
00:15:04,822 --> 00:15:07,741
Shh! Don't say that.
My husband is right there.
361
00:15:07,825 --> 00:15:09,410
Dibs are dibs, asswipe.
362
00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:11,036
Consider this a friendship ender.
363
00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:13,414
Wait, you're just...
364
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:15,666
You're gonna call off our friendship?
365
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,043
Yeah, I am. Friendship over.
366
00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:21,088
If my husband asks,
it's because of the wedding present
367
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:22,714
that you never gave us.
368
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,093
Goodbye, ex-friend.
369
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,555
I hope you enjoy
getting your butt fingered by Todd.
370
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:30,639
Norm!
371
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:31,723
Away.
372
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,314
They're my ride.
373
00:15:42,151 --> 00:15:44,403
[Maria] God, life's so quirky, you know?
374
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,989
[stutters] I decided to herd with Bert.
375
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,740
Then boom, you know, I see you.
376
00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:51,702
It's like the universe doesn't want us
to not be friends.
377
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:55,456
Whoa, look at that pretzel bread sandwich.
378
00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,207
Mmm, I want that so bad.
379
00:15:57,916 --> 00:15:59,751
You should get it. You deserve it.
380
00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:01,003
Oh, I can't.
381
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,130
- I have celiac disease.
- Oh.
382
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,841
- [imitates whooshing] Whoop.
- Oh.
383
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,885
- That's the sign for celiac.
- Ah.
384
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,387
Gluten-free since 2003.
385
00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,264
- Raise the roof.
- [man] Fuck you.
386
00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:14,600
I didn't... I had no idea. I didn't know.
387
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,602
Well, we haven't really had any...
388
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,812
Boy, that sandwich does look good.
389
00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:21,315
I think I'm gonna get it. [chuckles]
390
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:24,151
- I have a gift for you.
- [gasps]
391
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,528
- What?
- Yeah. It's your wedding gift.
392
00:16:26,612 --> 00:16:29,406
- I didn't... Yeah.
- [gasps] Thank you.
393
00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:30,866
Congratulations.
394
00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,451
- Oh.
- I'm sorry that I didn't
395
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:35,204
give it to you before your divorce.
396
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,582
Oh, it's okay.
It's never too late to get a present.
397
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:39,958
[chuckling]
398
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,419
It's a pizza stone.
399
00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:44,505
Do you hate it? Oh...
400
00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:46,715
Oh, God! Oh!
401
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:51,428
I can't believe you can sit here
and shove that pretzel bread in my face!
402
00:16:52,221 --> 00:16:54,181
The only thing
I'm more allergic to than wheat
403
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,266
is your gluten-covered bullshit!
404
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:59,853
It's you and Todd Swain-Villagatos
all over again!
405
00:16:59,937 --> 00:17:03,941
And then you had the balls
to get me a pizza stone?
406
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,693
How many ways
can you offend me with bread?
407
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:09,947
You're like the Viet Cong of celiac!
And this is your...
408
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,490
Bread Offensive!
409
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,410
[Maria mumbling]
410
00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:21,250
Hey... No friend left behind!
411
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:22,501
- What?
- Yes.
412
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:26,421
I am so sorry, Jill.
I don't know what I was thinking.
413
00:17:26,505 --> 00:17:28,632
You are totally right.
414
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:34,179
[stutters] I was very, very selfish
in ordering this pretzel bread sandwich.
415
00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:36,306
Sometimes my blood sugar gets low
416
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,559
and I don't think straight.
417
00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:42,271
Hmm, that sounded like
it started as a true apology,
418
00:17:42,354 --> 00:17:44,690
- but now I'm hearing excuses.
- Okay.
419
00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:46,900
You're right. You're right.
420
00:17:46,984 --> 00:17:49,403
What I did was inexcusable.
421
00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:52,656
Our friendship is worth so much more to me
422
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,366
than any pretzel bread.
423
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:55,617
And?
424
00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,202
I'm sorry...
425
00:17:57,286 --> 00:17:58,495
And?
426
00:17:58,579 --> 00:17:59,955
I love you?
427
00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:03,292
And?
428
00:18:03,375 --> 00:18:06,628
I... am ready to herd sheep!
429
00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:08,046
That's the sign of a champion.
430
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,173
- Oh! [sighs] Oh...
- And a friend.
431
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,967
- A champion friend.
- Okay.
432
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,635
- [both laugh]
- I herd that.
433
00:18:13,719 --> 00:18:14,928
- [both laughing]
- What?
434
00:18:15,012 --> 00:18:16,597
You herd? [laughs]
435
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,932
- You herd that?
- [both laughing]
436
00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:21,518
Friendship, that's all that matters.
437
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,062
[Maria] No friend left behind.
438
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,689
That was the answer.
439
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,275
If only I had known that in the past.
440
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:31,737
I love my new
Maria Bamford Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot.
441
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,488
It combines my two favorite things:
442
00:18:33,572 --> 00:18:35,449
jogging and peppers.
443
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,659
Sometimes I just need to do this.
444
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:39,119
[whirring]
445
00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,454
[crunching]
446
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:42,414
Mmm!
447
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:46,001
Oh, I'm sorry... Hey, can we...
448
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,629
Can we stop for a second?
449
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:49,921
- I can't breathe.
- [man] Cut!
450
00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:52,132
I'm getting pepper seeds down in my lungs.
451
00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:53,216
- Okay.
- [Bruce] Maria.
452
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,509
Bruce?
453
00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:56,219
You're banned from this lot.
454
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,304
Oh, fuck me.
455
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,431
- How did you get past security?
- All I had to do...
456
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:01,433
- was slip by this one...
- [grunts]
457
00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:02,976
Oh, God, Bruce! No, wait.
458
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,686
I know him. Don't touch him!
459
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,897
He's been on a shit cruise. Yeah.
460
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,857
Oh, Bruce. [panting]
461
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:10,776
Bruce, are you alive?
462
00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:11,860
- I'm okay.
- Okay.
463
00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,028
- It's fine.
- Okay, good.
464
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:15,447
Barbara used to run me over with her car.
465
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,158
Billy Shatner taught me
how to roll with the impact.
466
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,702
[Karen] Well, well. Here we go again.
467
00:19:20,786 --> 00:19:23,455
Johnny Shit Cruise Sequoia Fucker
just came
468
00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:25,499
out of the sea to drag you back
to his shit ship.
469
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,959
What're you doing
with that monkey on your back?
470
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:32,297
It's not a monkey. It's a Maria Bamford
Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot!
471
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,091
[Pepper-bot speaks]
[Karen] The only monkey
472
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:36,176
on her back is you, Bruce.
473
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,511
Fuck off, tree!
474
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:38,804
Shrub, actually.
475
00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,180
You never fed me peppers.
476
00:19:40,263 --> 00:19:42,641
I'm a mogul. I'm a brand!
477
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,976
I'm a tastemaker, I'm a pacemaker.
478
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,437
- Preach!
- I'm an earthquaker, I'm J. Lo.
479
00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:49,231
- Better than that. I'm M. Lo.
- Word!
480
00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:50,691
- Better than that, I'm M. Bam.
- Word.
481
00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:52,943
I'm better than that,
I'm Bam, Bam, Bam...
482
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,320
Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam...
483
00:19:55,404 --> 00:19:57,072
- [Maria continues]
- Listen to the biotch.
484
00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,282
Listen to my biotch.
485
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,451
[Maria and Pepper-bot] Bam, Bam, Bam...
486
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:03,537
She's really funny, right?
487
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,623
Bam. I keep getting better. God!
488
00:20:06,707 --> 00:20:07,833
Suck it, life!
489
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,710
Maria, you're talking way too fast.
490
00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:11,420
You're really getting me scared.
491
00:20:11,503 --> 00:20:13,672
- Are you okay?
- Well, I'm okay.
492
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,757
I'm more than okay. You're the tree.
493
00:20:16,717 --> 00:20:17,718
I'm a shrub.
494
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:20,971
Look at you, just out there
thinking about yourself.
495
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,055
Just like trees!
496
00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:25,392
This is what you do.
You play the sympathy card.
497
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,560
You're a manipulator.
498
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,645
That's why Kindler stays.
499
00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,022
That's why Barbara stays.
500
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:32,941
On that point, allow me to correct you.
501
00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:34,776
- Barbara has not stayed.
- [Karen] Know what?
502
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,446
You should just change your name
to Boo-hoo-ruce.
503
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,532
Boo-hoo-ruce!
504
00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,784
Boo-hoo-ruce!
505
00:20:42,868 --> 00:20:44,745
Boo-hoo-ruce!
506
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:48,081
[all chanting] Boo-hoo-ruce!
Boo-hoo-ruce!
507
00:20:48,165 --> 00:20:50,876
Boo-hoo-ruce! Boo-hoo-ruce!
508
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:53,920
- [chanting continues]
- You know, I had this exact dream.
509
00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:57,048
I'm standing here, dressed like a shrub,
510
00:20:57,132 --> 00:21:00,177
being openly derided
by a group of my betters.
511
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,887
[chanting continues] Boo-hoo-ruce!
512
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:02,971
[Pepper-bot] Boo-hoo-ruce!
513
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,182
- Boo-hoo-ruce!
- [chanting stops]
514
00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:07,517
So that's it, Maria?
515
00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:09,978
We're over?
516
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,563
Friendship and all?
517
00:21:11,646 --> 00:21:13,398
[voice trembling] Yes, Bruce.
518
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,400
We're over.
519
00:21:15,484 --> 00:21:16,485
[sighs]
520
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,946
I'll always cherish you.
521
00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:22,574
[straining]
522
00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:26,661
- [muffled crying]
- You don't need him.
523
00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:28,413
- You're one of us now.
- Okay.
524
00:21:28,497 --> 00:21:30,040
I'm proud of you.
525
00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:33,960
I'm proud of you, too.
526
00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,671
- Come here. Come here.
- Okay.
527
00:21:36,755 --> 00:21:38,548
- [grunts]
- Ow.
528
00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:45,514
[Maria] Bruce was a true friendand I left him behind.
529
00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,517
So I was determinednot to repeat that mistake
530
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,811
with Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney.
531
00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:52,437
[Maria] Bert, what's wrong, kid?
532
00:21:52,521 --> 00:21:54,940
Aren't you excited to compete?
533
00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:57,526
Come on, I know
you want to share your gifts.
534
00:21:57,609 --> 00:21:58,985
[announcer over PA]
Second call,
535
00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:01,446
Bert Bamford to the arena.
536
00:22:01,530 --> 00:22:02,948
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
537
00:22:03,031 --> 00:22:04,032
He's just a little off.
538
00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:05,617
You better get him on.
539
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,786
We need him for the group scores.
If Bert doesn't compete, we lose.
540
00:22:07,869 --> 00:22:10,121
- He just doesn't seem into it.
- [whimpering]
541
00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:12,290
I don't know what... Oh...
542
00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:14,125
You need to be the alpha, Maria.
543
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:15,544
He doesn't know what he wants.
544
00:22:15,627 --> 00:22:17,003
You tell him what you want.
545
00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:20,423
Bert, this is...
We want you, if you can, to try...
546
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,759
[announcer] Final call for Bert Bamford.
547
00:22:22,843 --> 00:22:24,594
For fuck's sake, give me the dog.
548
00:22:24,678 --> 00:22:26,263
[Bert whines frantically]
549
00:22:26,346 --> 00:22:28,223
No, he doesn't like that!
550
00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:30,600
Nobody likes that!
551
00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:35,230
[panting]
552
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:37,857
[distorted voice] No!
553
00:22:41,611 --> 00:22:42,862
[screams]
554
00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:46,032
Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney,
555
00:22:46,116 --> 00:22:51,788
I embarked upon this personal quest
to honor my promise to the universe,
556
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,915
to leave no friend left behind.
557
00:22:53,999 --> 00:22:57,919
Jill Kwatney-Adelman, n?e Kwatney...
558
00:22:58,003 --> 00:22:59,004
friend...
559
00:23:00,839 --> 00:23:03,717
I leave thee... behind.
560
00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:07,846
Oh, that's great.
561
00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:09,848
Fuck you, Maria!
562
00:23:11,266 --> 00:23:13,560
- And fuck you.
- [dog whimpers]
563
00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:17,063
[Maria sobbing]
564
00:23:24,321 --> 00:23:27,616
I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry, Bert.
565
00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:34,122
[sobbing] I'm so sorry, Bert.
566
00:23:34,205 --> 00:23:35,999
You had great talent
567
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:40,670
and I let my bullshit interfere
in your destiny.
568
00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:42,922
[Bert] Sweet Maria.
569
00:23:43,006 --> 00:23:45,216
Oh, Bert. [sobbing]
570
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:48,136
[Bert] It was never my destiny
to herd sheep.
571
00:23:48,219 --> 00:23:52,390
This wrinkled, slobbering body
is capable of many great things.
572
00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:57,562
I am a painter, philosopher,
writer of poetry,
573
00:23:57,646 --> 00:24:01,024
- but I desire to do none of these things.
- Okay.
574
00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:05,779
[Bert] I choose to lie upon
the hardwood floor, snoring my life away.
575
00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:07,238
Yeah.
576
00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:09,491
And occasionally shitting where I sleep.
577
00:24:10,158 --> 00:24:11,409
Oh.
578
00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:12,994
[Bert] The truth of the matter is
579
00:24:13,078 --> 00:24:17,874
I was the gasoline that inflamed
Jill Kwatney-Adelman's fire
580
00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:21,419
and revealed her awful, demonic force.
581
00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:25,215
You bear no responsibility
for her striking me.
582
00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:27,050
For like Jesus on the cross...
583
00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:31,680
- I sacrificed myself for you...
- [chuckles]
584
00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:35,892
...so you might see that
she was no friend at all.
585
00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:39,479
And ergo, could and indeed,
must be left behind.
586
00:24:40,105 --> 00:24:41,147
Oh.
587
00:24:41,231 --> 00:24:45,527
Your promise to the universe
remains unbroken.
588
00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,362
[sobbing] Bert.
589
00:24:48,613 --> 00:24:49,948
Bert!
590
00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:55,370
You are a true friend.
591
00:24:55,453 --> 00:24:59,999
You are one friend
who I will never leave behind!
592
00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:01,918
- [cell phone chimes]
- Oh. [chuckles]
593
00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:05,004
[gasps] It's from Scott.
594
00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:07,257
[Bert] What does his text say?
595
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:09,843
He says, "How you doin'?" Huh.
596
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:11,010
Is he saying hi?
597
00:25:11,094 --> 00:25:13,722
Or is he doing that
Anderson Cooper 360 prank meme?
598
00:25:13,805 --> 00:25:18,059
[Bert] I can only lead you so far.
You are no sheep.
599
00:25:18,143 --> 00:25:21,271
It is your job to decide indeed
600
00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:24,441
if this is just an Anderson Cooper 360
viral prank meme,
601
00:25:24,524 --> 00:25:29,279
or if this is an opportunity
to really feel something.
602
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:31,489
I got it, Bert.
603
00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:33,742
[keypad clacking]
604
00:25:34,409 --> 00:25:35,452
[cell phone chimes]
605
00:25:36,453 --> 00:25:38,413
[whispers] Thank you, Bert.
606
00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:41,958
[echoing] Thanks, Bert!
607
00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,007
[cell phone chimes]
608
00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:54,387
[cell phone chimes]
609
00:26:01,186 --> 00:26:02,812
[keypad beeping]
610
00:26:10,445 --> 00:26:11,946
[cell phone chiming]
611
00:26:16,576 --> 00:26:21,748
[choir singing]
I don't know what I'm doing
612
00:26:21,831 --> 00:26:26,586
More than half of the time
613
00:26:27,796 --> 00:26:29,798
[upbeat music playing]
614
00:26:29,848 --> 00:26:34,398
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