Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,314 --> 00:00:04,003
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxxwww.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:04,297 --> 00:00:06,299
[theme music playing]
3
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:17,185
[Maria] I'm a pterodactyl.
4
00:00:22,941 --> 00:00:26,486
[chanting] Om.
5
00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,906
Not to be too forward,
but when was the last time
6
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:32,325
that you felt the heaving touch of a man?
7
00:00:32,408 --> 00:00:36,913
- Um... do blowies count?
- No, God! Ew, who does that?
8
00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:38,206
A lot of people.
9
00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:40,792
Really? That's what they're telling you.
10
00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:46,047
The last time I had
actual intercourse was a year ago.
11
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,675
You wanna know what I do
when I don't have a man?
12
00:00:48,758 --> 00:00:50,718
- No.
- I jam a cat paw up there.
13
00:00:50,802 --> 00:00:51,844
- Oh, God.
- Yup.
14
00:00:51,928 --> 00:00:55,848
I'm talking about my friend
Danny Katpaw. My deaf friend.
15
00:00:55,932 --> 00:00:57,976
Come on. Oh, you've got a sick mind.
16
00:00:58,059 --> 00:00:59,561
You really do need to get some action.
17
00:00:59,644 --> 00:01:00,853
- [chuckling]
- Your brain is being flooded
18
00:01:00,937 --> 00:01:02,981
- with toxins and sex poisons.
- Mmm.
19
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,148
That's not a joke.
20
00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,402
- I just need to have sex once a year...
- Mmm-hmm.
21
00:01:07,485 --> 00:01:09,946
...and then all good
under the hood and...
22
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,531
Actually though, speaking of,
23
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,199
when is Vaginismus this year?
24
00:01:13,324 --> 00:01:14,826
Is that a Greek harvest holiday?
25
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:15,994
Greek harvest holiday?
26
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:19,372
No, it's the one day a year
that I, medically speaking...
27
00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:21,040
I have to have sex.
28
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:23,835
- Oh.
- Otherwise, my vagina could close up.
29
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:26,170
[stuttering] I told you to put it
on my calendar.
30
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,630
Are you still my assistant?
31
00:01:28,423 --> 00:01:30,717
- What?
- I just... I wasn't sure...
32
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,176
[chuckles] Of course, I am.
33
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,845
How could you even ask me that?
34
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:37,724
After everything I've done for you,
and am currently doing for you!
35
00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,017
- Sorry for saying...
- Oh, my God.
36
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:42,270
[chanting] Om.
37
00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,981
- Okay. I want you to repeat after me.
- Okay.
38
00:01:45,064 --> 00:01:46,983
- I am confident.
- I am confident.
39
00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,693
- I am calm.
- I am calm.
40
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,695
And I am going to
nail that audition today.
41
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,989
- Audition?
- Oh, God, did I not tell you?
42
00:01:53,072 --> 00:01:55,408
It's at 4:00 p.m. on the Fox lot.
43
00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:58,077
It's 3:45!
44
00:01:58,161 --> 00:02:00,330
Well, then you better get on the get, huh?
45
00:02:00,413 --> 00:02:02,582
- You lazy bones.
- [squealing] Come on!
46
00:02:02,665 --> 00:02:05,001
All right, assistant work complete
for today.
47
00:02:09,464 --> 00:02:11,341
Hi. Maria Bamford. I'm a little late.
48
00:02:11,424 --> 00:02:13,009
I drove here in the turning lane.
49
00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:15,178
Yeah, but I didn't make up any time
50
00:02:15,261 --> 00:02:17,597
because I had to make
four unwanted left turns.
51
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:21,100
But, working on my confidence.
I hate auditions. Ugh.
52
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,727
Sorry, you're not on the list.
53
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:25,772
That's impossible,
'cause I have an appointment at 4:00 p.m.
54
00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,398
in the Seth MacFarlane building.
55
00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,776
You can make a U-turn here
and call your contact.
56
00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:32,612
Richard... please let me in.
57
00:02:32,695 --> 00:02:37,533
I haven't had an audition in six months
since I had a minor mental crisis...
58
00:02:37,617 --> 00:02:40,411
and I need to get
this audition monkey off my back.
59
00:02:40,495 --> 00:02:42,830
- Make a U-turn here, please.
- Okay.
60
00:02:45,792 --> 00:02:46,793
Sorry, Richard!
61
00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:49,212
- Audition monkey!
- [tires squealing]
62
00:02:49,295 --> 00:02:50,671
Hey! Hey!
63
00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:52,465
Motherfucker!
64
00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:55,134
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
65
00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:57,470
Security was tight, so...
66
00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:01,349
So are we gonna fuck or what?
67
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:03,393
I ain't your bitch!
68
00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:04,602
If you're gonna stand there
looking at me,
69
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,938
you're either gonna fuck me or fight me.
70
00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,524
I'm gonna cut you, motherfucker.
71
00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,651
I ain't raised to be a sucker.
72
00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:16,239
I am a strong black man
and I care for my sisters.
73
00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:19,992
And if you think I'm gonna
let you walk out of Cookie's life...
74
00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:23,496
you're gonna walk right into this fist.
And this one!
75
00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:25,581
And I wear rings!
76
00:03:25,665 --> 00:03:28,000
Motherfucker!
77
00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:38,678
I'm not in the right place, am I?
78
00:03:38,761 --> 00:03:41,681
You just read
for a 22-year-old black male...
79
00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:42,849
Okay.
80
00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:44,851
...and nailed it.
81
00:03:45,768 --> 00:03:47,687
Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.
82
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:51,315
[stuttering] I've been so nervous
about auditioning, and I...
83
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,568
Maybe I've been auditioning
for the wrong parts.
84
00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:54,986
What was that part again?
85
00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,447
Cookie's younger brother Nibbles,
on Empire.
86
00:03:57,530 --> 00:03:58,573
[softly] Oh, okay.
87
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:00,575
I don't mean to speak for the producers,
88
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:04,203
but I think they need
to reconceive this whole part.
89
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:07,790
Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna have
to thank my assistant after I kill her.
90
00:04:07,874 --> 00:04:08,875
[laughing]
91
00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,918
That is so Nibbles.
92
00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:13,504
I am Nibbles. [laughing]
93
00:04:15,173 --> 00:04:16,382
Thank you so much.
94
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:19,719
Bye, Richard!
95
00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:22,597
- Sorry, it slipped.
- The fuck?
96
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,515
[Maria] That was so Nibbles.
97
00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:27,310
[Bruce] I'm so sorry.
98
00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:29,520
I promise it'll be addressed
by this evening.
99
00:04:29,604 --> 00:04:31,314
Thank you so much.
100
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:32,648
Ah, my American girl.
101
00:04:32,732 --> 00:04:35,485
Bruce, I haven't been
able to get through to you.
102
00:04:35,568 --> 00:04:36,986
I'm so sorry, my angel.
103
00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:39,155
I've been up to my ass
in Kindler problems.
104
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:42,784
A dead sex worker in Reseda
was found holding his headshot.
105
00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:44,702
- Oh... got it.
- [phone ringing]
106
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:47,580
[ringing continues]
107
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,918
Chantrelle, are you gonna get that?
108
00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:53,628
Your hand broken?
109
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,672
[ringing continues]
110
00:04:57,215 --> 00:05:00,051
We do this Cagney & Lacey thing,
really keeps me on my toes.
111
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,552
I just love it.
112
00:05:01,636 --> 00:05:02,929
Go for Bruce.
113
00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:05,056
Yes, Fox Studios. Great, go ahead.
114
00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,140
Yes, what a coincidence.
115
00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:08,017
I happen to have her right in front of me.
116
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,353
Well, that's terrific.
117
00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:12,855
Absolutely. Yes, indeed.
118
00:05:13,648 --> 00:05:17,443
I know she'll be thrilled to hear that.
Most definitely. Uh-huh.
119
00:05:17,527 --> 00:05:18,569
Yes, for sure.
120
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:23,199
Yes. I'm sure we're on the same page
with that.
121
00:05:23,282 --> 00:05:25,117
Okay, wonderful. Bye for now.
122
00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:30,581
What did they say?
123
00:05:30,665 --> 00:05:33,709
Did you break onto the Fox lot,
audition for the wrong teleseries,
124
00:05:33,793 --> 00:05:36,546
then throw a scalding
hot beverage at a security guard?
125
00:05:37,547 --> 00:05:40,299
[stammering] Well, it wasn't that hot.
126
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,842
And... it just got away from me.
127
00:05:41,926 --> 00:05:44,512
My hands were all slippery
from Larissa's hot oils.
128
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:47,098
The less I know about
you Sisters of Sappho, the better.
129
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:51,060
But the point is, you're now officially
banned for life from the Fox lot.
130
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,854
Well, that's horrible.
[stuttering] What about Empire?
131
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:56,816
They called several hours ago
with a nice, firm "no, thank you."
132
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,693
But you did give them a noggin nudge,
133
00:05:58,776 --> 00:06:01,529
so that they recast Nibbles
as a blonde, white woman.
134
00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:04,365
So, big congrats in order
for one Amy Schumer.
135
00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,785
But why did you give me the thumbs up...
136
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,581
and make the money gestures
and show me the money rock?
137
00:06:11,664 --> 00:06:14,000
Was I doing that? It's this crazy tick...
138
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,960
that I have when I get nervous...
139
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,753
[stutters] or if I'm lying, you know?
140
00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:19,046
Do you feel nervous now?
141
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:20,965
- No, I've never been calmer.
- Huh.
142
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,133
[Maria] So I was finished at Fox.
143
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:25,011
Who cares? I'm not afraid of them.
144
00:06:25,094 --> 00:06:27,221
There's only one person I'm afraid of.
145
00:06:27,305 --> 00:06:29,765
- Look who's back in town, Hollyweird!
- Oh, God.
146
00:06:29,849 --> 00:06:31,350
[Maria] Kirsten Rydholm.
147
00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:33,686
Let's see what all that
Jew money buys you, huh?
148
00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:36,314
[laughing]
Let's see, you got...
149
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:40,526
Twenty boxes of Monistat
and an US magazine.
150
00:06:40,610 --> 00:06:42,528
Oh, wow, looks like things
haven't changed that much
151
00:06:42,612 --> 00:06:44,113
- since junior high.
- Well...
152
00:06:44,196 --> 00:06:48,367
Remember when you perioded
all over the gym mat?
153
00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:52,330
Oh, my God. I have a photo of that
and I posted it on Facebook.
154
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:53,873
I got so many responses.
155
00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,875
I still talk about that in therapy.
156
00:06:55,958 --> 00:06:58,836
These are for the downtown women's center.
157
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,089
- Yeah, makes sense... lez.
- Okay.
158
00:07:02,173 --> 00:07:03,966
So, you're the Checklist lady, huh?
159
00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:05,468
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
160
00:07:05,551 --> 00:07:08,429
- They sure as shoot photoshopped you.
- Yeah, I know.
161
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:09,889
God, you look like shit.
162
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:11,182
- I know.
- What's wrong?
163
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,935
You're sure not being friendly.
Don't you remember me?
164
00:07:14,018 --> 00:07:16,729
[stuttering] Yes...
you're Kirsten Rydholm.
165
00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:20,524
- Uh, Kirsten Rydholm-Rydholm.
- Oh.
166
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,568
I married Dougie Rydholm.
[chuckling]
167
00:07:22,652 --> 00:07:24,403
Oh, he's your cousin. That's cool.
168
00:07:24,487 --> 00:07:26,864
- Fourth cousin, you bitch.
- Okay.
169
00:07:26,948 --> 00:07:29,450
- So, what about you? You married?
- Not currently.
170
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:33,329
Oh, that is so sad.
171
00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:35,039
Hey, you know what?
172
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,458
I think these are on sale,
but I'm not sure.
173
00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:40,002
- No, you...
- Let me do a price check for you. No.
174
00:07:40,086 --> 00:07:41,837
- You're gonna want me to.
- That's not necessary.
175
00:07:41,921 --> 00:07:43,005
- No, please don't.
- [intercom feedback]
176
00:07:43,089 --> 00:07:45,049
[over intercom]
Hey, could I get a price check
177
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,634
on 20 boxes of cooch cream
178
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:50,471
for Checklist's own spokeswoman,
Maria Bamford...
179
00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,640
[chuckling] who has a dirty downtown?
180
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:56,310
Listen, remind me
not to go to spin class with you.
181
00:07:56,394 --> 00:07:58,688
That's what all you d-bags
do out in LA, right?
182
00:07:58,813 --> 00:08:00,815
That and jerk each other off
on the freeways
183
00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,692
while you're drinking your soda.
184
00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:04,527
[Maria] We'll get them
no matter what the cost.
185
00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:08,489
Oh, "No matter what the cost"
'cause you're all Hollywood up in here.
186
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:11,951
Yeah! I got you. I'll see you up front.
187
00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:16,789
Isn't that Maria Bamford?
188
00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:19,291
I hear she's bipolar.
189
00:08:21,002 --> 00:08:22,586
Oh, that's Maria Bamford.
190
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,172
I heard she bought
two Polaris snowmobiles.
191
00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:29,635
Ronny Duggard told me
Maria Bamford's engaged
192
00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:33,222
to the Polaris snowmobile heir,
Dennis Ericson.
193
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,683
- Oh, Marilyn, hi.
- Hi.
194
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:38,102
Oh, congratulations on the engagement.
195
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,478
Oh, thank you.
196
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:43,024
Yeah... we're...
we're sure as sugar proud of her.
197
00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:44,108
Wow... [chuckling]
198
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,235
I just overheard in aisle four,
199
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:50,531
that you are engaged
to Dennis Ericson, the Polaris heir.
200
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:52,491
How come you didn't tell me
you're rich as shit?
201
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:53,617
What are you talking about?
202
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,494
I fucked it up all these years.
203
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:57,413
I've been a piece of shit to you, Maria.
204
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:59,623
So, you know, I'm sorry.
205
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:04,378
[over intercom] Attitude check
on Kirsten Rydholm-Rydholm.
206
00:09:04,462 --> 00:09:06,255
- [feedback]
- Adjusted.
207
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,174
- Wow.
- You should come over on Sunday.
208
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,093
We're gonna grill up some brats,
watch the game, you know.
209
00:09:11,177 --> 00:09:14,138
I'll put some plastic on the couch...
so you can sit on it.
210
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:18,017
You know, on account
of your rotten cooter. [laughing]
211
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,437
Kirsten, I've been waiting my whole life
to hear something that nice from you.
212
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,814
But I think you have some facts wrong.
213
00:09:23,898 --> 00:09:25,399
Hey, can I ask you something?
214
00:09:25,483 --> 00:09:27,109
Could you get me a free snowmobile?
215
00:09:27,193 --> 00:09:29,445
But you were horrible to me
in high school.
216
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:30,529
Right, I know. But...
217
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:32,740
I like you better now that you're rich.
218
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:35,117
Not many friends are going to admit that.
219
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,661
What do you say?
220
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,915
[softly] Take the win.
And don't forget the blue gum, honey.
221
00:09:41,457 --> 00:09:42,792
I'll talk to Dennis...
222
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:43,918
and... and...
223
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:45,669
we'll see you Sunday.
224
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,004
Okay.
225
00:09:47,088 --> 00:09:49,965
[Maria] I've always had a hard timebeing direct with people.
226
00:09:50,049 --> 00:09:52,176
But now that I was bannedfrom the Fox lot for life,
227
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,511
I had nothing to lose.
228
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,554
[Maria] Larissa, we need to talk.
229
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:56,639
Oh, my God, Maria,
230
00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:59,934
that is exactly what I was gonna say
if I saw you first.
231
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,937
I'm sorry... I don't know... Who are you?
232
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,230
- Carol Simples.
- [Maria] Oh.
233
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:05,898
I'm Larissa's business coach.
234
00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:10,111
My company is called Ladies Get to Work,
parentheses, Like a Man.
235
00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:12,029
- Oh, very nice.
- [Carol clicks tongue]
236
00:10:12,113 --> 00:10:14,824
I felt like I was dropping the ball
as your assistant,
237
00:10:14,907 --> 00:10:18,661
so I brought in Carol here to help
with her awesome methodologies.
238
00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:21,956
Okay, that sounds good.
Doesn't sound not good. [chuckling]
239
00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,249
You're goddamn right, it doesn't.
240
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:26,460
Now I am just gonna stand
right over here and observe.
241
00:10:26,544 --> 00:10:28,712
So, what did you wanna talk to me about?
242
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:30,422
You sent me to the wrong audition.
243
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:31,799
You've been mixing up appointments.
244
00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,926
It's driving me crazy
and I want things to change.
245
00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,387
And I think I know exactly what that is.
246
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:40,891
It's Chapter Two in my book,
Keepin' It Carol, Carol Simples.
247
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:45,688
[gasps] Oh, that's fun that you didn't go
with the obvious pun.
248
00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:47,606
What do you mean?
249
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:49,108
Keepin' It Simples.
250
00:10:49,191 --> 00:10:52,361
Oh, my God! I left it on the table. Shit!
251
00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:55,447
Fuck! What am I gonna do
with all those fucking mugs?
252
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:57,408
What, I got to pay you now?
Do I have to pay you?
253
00:10:57,491 --> 00:11:00,953
No, I don't. Because you know what?
We don't have a contract.
254
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:03,998
And that is smart business.
255
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,878
Carol has taught me
her calendar technologies.
256
00:11:10,212 --> 00:11:13,924
It is a calendar for ladies
called a "Palendar."
257
00:11:14,008 --> 00:11:15,718
You didn't go for "Galendar"?
258
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:19,054
[straining] What in the shit, Carol!
259
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,390
You see these color-coded tabs?
260
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:24,435
They are gonna keep me
from messing up another appointment.
261
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,687
Okay, all I care about is Vaginismus.
262
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,899
You don't care about your cousin
Terry's wedding last night?
263
00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:31,483
Cousin Terry got married?
264
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:33,861
Okay, that's what's
not gonna happen anymore
265
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,946
because of Carol's technologies.
266
00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:38,490
Okay, Vaginismus is two weeks
from tomorrow.
267
00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:40,784
You celebrate the Greek harvest holidays?
268
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,620
That's what I thought it was.
269
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:43,829
- [laughing] You did?
- I did.
270
00:11:43,913 --> 00:11:45,122
- Come here.
- That's what I said.
271
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,500
[Maria] No, it's the day I must have sex
to keep my vagina open.
272
00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:49,960
This is wrong.
273
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:52,254
Vaginismus is tonight.
274
00:11:52,338 --> 00:11:54,506
No, this is a yellow tab.
275
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:57,176
- See, it's in two weeks.
- Only if you're going by fortnights.
276
00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:58,636
I am. That's Carol's technology.
277
00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,679
If it's good enough for Abraham Lincoln,
278
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:04,099
it's good enough for today's
busy, working, modern woman on the go.
279
00:12:04,183 --> 00:12:05,434
Yeah.
280
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,519
Larissa, Vaginismus is tonight!
281
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:10,105
I need to have sex by midnight.
1:00 at the latest.
282
00:12:10,189 --> 00:12:14,026
There's no way I'm gonna be able
to squeeze it all in!
283
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:17,112
Is that a metaphor
for your tight, tight vagina?
284
00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:18,238
[exhales deeply] Ooh.
285
00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:20,908
[Maria] Okay,my life is still a little chaotic.
286
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,452
But I'm not as much of a pushoveras I was in the past.
287
00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,704
[Karen] I love you,
you fucking smelly snatch.
288
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:27,623
Thank you so much, hon.
289
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,583
All right, I got you booked on Kimmel.
290
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:31,126
- [exclaims] Oh!
- [laughing]
291
00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:35,339
All right, was Bruce able to move the gig
at Flappers so you're tech avails?
292
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:38,759
I don't know.
I can't seem to get in touch with him.
293
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:41,011
[reporter] Day 11 of the cruise from hell.
294
00:12:41,095 --> 00:12:43,555
People remain strandedwith limited supplies,
295
00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:47,810
no working plumbing, and no communicationwith the outside world.
296
00:12:49,687 --> 00:12:50,980
- [grunting]
- [water splashes]
297
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,609
Barbara?
298
00:12:55,693 --> 00:12:57,820
Please, Barbara, would you open this door?
299
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:58,988
[lock clicks]
300
00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:01,615
Ramon, I've got to get my charger.
301
00:13:01,699 --> 00:13:04,201
I have to call my number one client,
Maria Bamford.
302
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,578
Captain says no power for incidentals.
303
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:09,873
Curse this fecal fiasco.
304
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,333
[groans]
305
00:13:11,417 --> 00:13:13,335
Maria, if I died and I went to hell,
306
00:13:13,419 --> 00:13:15,838
I would be sucking the devil's dick
for phone privileges.
307
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,047
You need to fire him now.
308
00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:20,134
He's going through a rough patch
with his marriage.
309
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,427
Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.
310
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:22,720
You know what? We all have problems.
311
00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,806
My son shot up his school.
Did I miss a day of work?
312
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,850
No, I didn't. Okay?
313
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,936
- Fucking fire him! Do it.
- [dialing]
314
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:33,230
- Do it.
- [line ringing]
315
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,149
- Do it.
- [automated voice] Your call...
316
00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:37,526
Oh, voicemail.
That's a big fucking surprise.
317
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:39,361
[Bruce] Chantrelle,how do I record my...
318
00:13:39,445 --> 00:13:42,573
- [beeps]
- Hey, Bruce, it's Maria.
319
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:44,408
Hey, how you doing?
320
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,201
- Take the shot.
- You're fired.
321
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,578
- [banging]
- Oh, God!
322
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:48,912
All right, phase two.
Branding.
323
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:52,041
We're gonna talk movies,
TV, music, fashion,
324
00:13:52,124 --> 00:13:54,835
fragrances, shopping network,
small appliance line.
325
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,879
I represent Adrian fucking Zmed.
326
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,547
He has a product
327
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:01,550
that will change everything
you ever thought you ever knew
328
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:02,885
about swimming forever.
329
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,136
[gasping]
330
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:07,473
- It's called the Zwim Gym.
- [gasping] Oh, my God!
331
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:09,266
[Karen] It's a holodeck.
You're not pregnant, are you?
332
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,601
If you were, you aren't anymore.
333
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,312
You're welcome.
Or, whatever... my condolences.
334
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,605
Holodeck off.
335
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,273
Pitch me your passion product.
336
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,608
- [sighing] Uh...
- Car blanket?
337
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,943
No, I'm not interested. Pass.
338
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,612
- What are your twin passions?
- Two pugs.
339
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:22,738
- No.
- Sex and drugs.
340
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:24,073
- Pass.
- Books, peanut butter.
341
00:14:24,156 --> 00:14:25,407
- Wrong!
- Pugs and books.
342
00:14:25,491 --> 00:14:28,285
It's jogging and bell peppers.
343
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,289
- Wow!
- It's a prototype from the Philippines.
344
00:14:32,373 --> 00:14:34,625
We will be getting in on the ground floor.
345
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:39,004
How does Maria Bamford's
Pepper Stepper Pepper-bot sound?
346
00:14:39,088 --> 00:14:41,090
- Confusing.
- Exactly.
347
00:14:41,173 --> 00:14:44,051
That is what it's like
to have real representation!
348
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:45,886
Welcome to the big leagues, baby girl.
349
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,096
- [imitating gunshots]
- [mimics barking]
350
00:14:47,179 --> 00:14:48,764
[both imitating gunshots]
351
00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:52,017
- [mimicking farting]
- [exclaiming]
352
00:14:52,101 --> 00:14:53,394
Get the fuck out of my office.
353
00:14:53,477 --> 00:14:56,772
[Maria] I hate to say it, but firing Brucegave me a sense of power.
354
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,857
I felt like anything was possible.
355
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,693
I can't believe you have done all of this.
356
00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:03,862
- I know. I know. [screaming]
- Wow.
357
00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:05,781
I'm so pumped up
from the Karen Grisham meeting.
358
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,367
It's as if... I feel like,
"I can do anything!"
359
00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:09,451
I love your energy.
360
00:15:09,535 --> 00:15:11,328
- Thank you.
- You're so much fun to be around.
361
00:15:11,412 --> 00:15:13,414
[laughing]
362
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:15,582
So, how is, uh, the stunt work going?
363
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:17,084
- Um, it...
- [grunting]
364
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,336
- Oh. Ow!
- [laughing]
365
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:22,089
- Ow.
- Come on! Two for flinching! [laughing]
366
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,757
- Fianc?.
- Yes.
367
00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:25,926
I feel like I'm getting a little old
for this business.
368
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,052
Oh, no.
369
00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:29,138
No, no, no, no.
370
00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:32,099
You are in awesome shape, okay?
You can do anything.
371
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,559
Oh, my gosh. Look.
372
00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:37,354
Hi. I'm Adrian Zmedfor the Adrian Zmed Zwim Gym.
373
00:15:37,438 --> 00:15:38,689
This is Karen Grisham's client.
374
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,149
Turn it up, turn it up!
375
00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:41,316
- There we go.
- [shrieks]
376
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,527
Got a lot of errands, but you wanna swim?
377
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,154
No time to go to the pool?
378
00:15:45,237 --> 00:15:48,615
Now, you can swim anytime, anywhere!
379
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:50,284
In the office.
380
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:51,994
Dropping off the kids.
381
00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:55,205
Getting deposedfor vehicular manslaughter.
382
00:15:55,289 --> 00:15:58,292
Or really get trim and double your Zwim.
383
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:01,753
And it comes in dog sizes, too!
384
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:04,923
Order now and receive your freeAdrian Zmed car blanket.
385
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,758
Sleep in your Jeep!
386
00:16:06,842 --> 00:16:08,510
Zwim Gym!
387
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:11,763
[Graham] You think that really works?
388
00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:14,683
Well, we're gonna find out
because I just ordered three!
389
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:15,976
- [laughing]
- All right.
390
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:19,104
I love swimming so much.
[mimics water sloshing]
391
00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:21,064
- I used to swim all the time.
- Really?
392
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:22,566
You should totally get back into it,
393
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,985
because Adrian Zmed,
I mean, what is he, 61?
394
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:28,572
And now he's swum... 23 miles,
all the way to Catalina Island.
395
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,366
You could do that.
There's no way you couldn't not do that.
396
00:16:31,450 --> 00:16:33,160
You start training
397
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:34,578
and you check the currents,
398
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,205
[in sing-song] and all that jazz.
399
00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:40,459
You could do anything
you set your mind to.
400
00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,669
I'm just gonna clean up around here.
401
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:43,837
You really think so?
402
00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:47,591
You said you liked swimming,
so that's the logical next step.
403
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:48,842
- That could be fun.
- Yeah.
404
00:16:48,926 --> 00:16:51,261
I did train for that half marathon
that one time.
405
00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:53,931
If you have a wish, you can do anything.
406
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,391
If you have a wish, you put it in a can.
407
00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:58,268
It's called a "God can" because God can.
408
00:16:58,352 --> 00:17:03,315
And I can... help you... train.
409
00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:04,650
You know?
410
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:08,028
[mimicking Aquaman] Bing, bing...
411
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,988
Aquaman calling in the fishes!
412
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:11,490
- Oh, yeah. Yes.
- Right?
413
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:13,367
- [exclaiming]
- [laughing]
414
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,704
[Maria] Okay, first training run.
415
00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:21,208
Fifty miles from home.
Are you ready to Zwim Gym?
416
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,751
Feels kinda weird. It's so heavy.
417
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,920
Yeah, 'cause it's filled with water.
[laughing]
418
00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:28,882
- I'll see you at home, fianc?e.
- All right! See you at home, fianc?.
419
00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:30,467
- Pound. Okay.
- [laughing]
420
00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:31,969
Bye!
421
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,387
Yeah!
422
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:37,015
Oh, God!
423
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,184
Oh, my lover!
424
00:17:39,268 --> 00:17:40,811
[gasping] Oh, God!
425
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,815
You're lucky you're a stuntman.
426
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,733
A blow like that would've
killed any other man,
427
00:17:46,817 --> 00:17:50,237
except for Adrian Zmed.
Thank God you were wearing a Zwim Gym.
428
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,783
When do you think
he'll be able to get back in the water?
429
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,451
We need to get back to training.
430
00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:59,371
I don't wanna get too into the weeds
on the medical mumbo-jumbo,
431
00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:02,416
but his neck is broken
like a motherfucker.
432
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,543
He wants to be in the water, now.
433
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:08,130
He's swimming
to Catalina Island in 13 days.
434
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,132
He needs to be with the dolphins.
435
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,175
Nature's jesters, sea clowns.
436
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,011
[in sing-song] Laughter heals.
437
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,013
See why I love her? That's it.
438
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:19,099
It's important for Graham
to take it easy right now, okay?
439
00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:20,309
He's lucky to be alive.
440
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,560
You're killing his dream.
441
00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,061
He could be an Olympian.
442
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:26,273
What about your Hippocratic oath?
Are you a hypocritical Hippocratical?
443
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,608
I thought this was all democratical.
444
00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,526
What, now you're making all the decisions?
445
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:31,695
Are you dictator, Dr. Dictator?
Are you a doctator?
446
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,780
Frytator, Potator, Cheese grater.
447
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,115
I thought your name was Dr. Achter.
448
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,826
Okay, Maria.
449
00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:39,453
Could I speak with you for a second?
450
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,623
Have you ever been diagnosed
with any mental illness?
451
00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:45,459
You say diagnosis, I say diag-yes-is
452
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,544
Diagnosis, diag-yes-is
453
00:18:47,628 --> 00:18:49,755
No, I have... I'm on antidepressants.
454
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,465
I have been since I was 19.
455
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:54,509
Because I had thoughts of suicide
all the time.
456
00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:56,219
And I still do. But it's under control.
457
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,888
It's not like I think I'm an angel.
458
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,557
When I'm swimming, I'm an angel,
a swim-angel.
459
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:03,810
That's a swimgel. [chuckling]
I love words.
460
00:19:03,894 --> 00:19:06,438
You're exhibiting
a lot of the symptoms of someone
461
00:19:06,521 --> 00:19:08,857
who might benefit
from being on a mood stabilizer.
462
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:10,108
[gasping excitedly]
463
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:12,444
Why don't you prescribe me something?
464
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,072
Because I wanna go
shopping and get some shoes.
465
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:17,491
- Oh.
- Reeboks. Right?
466
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:19,701
- Really? Okay.
- Dr. Achter, give me the news,
467
00:19:19,785 --> 00:19:22,037
'cause I have a bad case of loving shoes.
468
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,538
Well, we can do a brain scan,
469
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:24,915
and we can talk about the results.
470
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,917
- Okay.
- In fact, I'm gonna get another doctor
471
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,377
- to take a look at you, okay?
- Yeah...
472
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:29,544
- Doctor...
- Because...
473
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:32,172
Look over there. Ah! I'm going!
474
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:33,465
[laughing]
475
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,635
- Oh, your... Oh!
- [cord snapping]
476
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,345
[Maria] Okay, so I was a coward.
477
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:41,181
But now I had the strength to facea new medical condition, Vaginismus.
478
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:43,809
All I had to do was have sex by midnight,1:00 at the latest,
479
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:45,435
and I was good for another year.
480
00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:46,895
[Dagmar] Hey, Maria, check this out.
[Maria] Yeah?
481
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,021
- [grunting]
- Okay.
482
00:19:48,105 --> 00:19:49,773
- That remind you of anything?
- Yes.
483
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,109
- This is your vagina.
- Okay. Yeah.
484
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,236
- It's too tight. Can't fit it in.
- I got it.
485
00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,364
So, this is the vag-bar, huh?
486
00:19:57,447 --> 00:20:01,618
Yeah, this is
where I traditionally hold Vaginismus.
487
00:20:01,702 --> 00:20:03,662
And I always sit at this bar.
488
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,539
I always order a Diet Coke and cran
489
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:07,416
with seven maraschino cherries.
490
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:09,668
And then, I just wait...
491
00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:11,378
- for the universe...
- Just happens?
492
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:12,462
to bring me a miracle.
493
00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:14,339
- Smart thinking.
- [Bartender] Here you go, Maria.
494
00:20:14,423 --> 00:20:16,842
Diet Coke and cran
with seven maraschino cherries.
495
00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:19,511
- Thank you so much, Frank.
- Yeah, thank you so much.
496
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:21,304
- [whispering] He's pretty cute, Maria.
- Yeah.
497
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:23,765
Not my type, but what about for you?
498
00:20:23,849 --> 00:20:27,394
Been there, done that.
It was Vaginismus... 2011.
499
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:30,313
- I just like to let the evening unfold.
- Mmm-hmm.
500
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:33,316
And trust that the universe will just...
501
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,235
spit out the right guy at the right time.
502
00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:38,488
And, if that does not happen,
there is always...
503
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:42,576
- Maria.
- Mmm-hmm.
504
00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:44,745
I know that you're going through
some shit right now.
505
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:46,997
I want you to know I'm here for you.
You know that?
506
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,582
- I know.
- So just go out there.
507
00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:49,666
- Have fun.
- Okay.
508
00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:52,377
If anybody comes at you
with that butt stuff,
509
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:54,504
- send them to me, okay?
- You got that right.
510
00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:56,298
- Okay. Thanks, sister.
- Straight to you.
511
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,383
I'm gonna go make someone
a hero out there.
512
00:20:58,467 --> 00:21:00,552
Okay, okay.
513
00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:06,433
Oh, God. Okay.
514
00:21:07,517 --> 00:21:09,186
Hey, I, uh...
515
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,730
[stuttering] security at the Fox lot.
516
00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:13,440
- Uh...
- Richard, right?
517
00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:14,733
- [chuckling] Oh, it's you.
- Yeah.
518
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:17,235
Yeah, Maria Bamford. So you remember me?
519
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,445
- Yeah. Hmm.
- Okay.
520
00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:22,115
God, I am so sorry. It was an accident.
521
00:21:22,199 --> 00:21:25,911
I was so excited
and I just kind of flung... I'm so sorry.
522
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:27,496
You think you're the only white woman
523
00:21:27,579 --> 00:21:28,997
who's thrown a hot cup of coffee at me?
524
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:33,502
Let's just say there's a new girl
on the lot. Infer what you want.
525
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:37,923
Can I, in any way, make it up to you
by buying you a drink?
526
00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:39,883
- You're gonna throw it at me?
- No.
527
00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:41,760
- [both laughing]
- Awkward.
528
00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:44,095
[nasal voice] No.
529
00:21:44,179 --> 00:21:46,181
I'll, um, just... okay.
530
00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:48,183
[Maria laughing awkwardly]
531
00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:49,893
Diet Coke and cranberry.
532
00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:53,688
That is my drink.
533
00:21:53,772 --> 00:21:56,107
- That's crazy. [laughing]
- Wow.
534
00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:00,445
- I was rude to you.
- Right.
535
00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:02,572
Why don't you go ahead and say
536
00:22:02,656 --> 00:22:04,574
the rudest thing you can think of to me.
537
00:22:04,658 --> 00:22:05,826
All right. Your hair...
538
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:08,078
is too shiny and beautiful.
539
00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:09,538
[both chuckling]
540
00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:11,498
- Okay. Something real.
- Okay, real.
541
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:13,792
Your jeans make your bum look too nice.
542
00:22:13,875 --> 00:22:15,585
- [laughing]
- Okay, now that's...
543
00:22:15,669 --> 00:22:17,671
Well, you're looking pretty good yourself.
544
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:19,548
Thank you.
I work hard to keep the weight off.
545
00:22:19,631 --> 00:22:22,092
- In college, I was real husky.
- Okay.
546
00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,803
They used to call me, uh, "Fat Dick."
547
00:22:25,554 --> 00:22:27,597
Aw. Well, that must've hurt.
548
00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:29,307
You have no idea.
549
00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:31,393
[Maria] Hmm.
550
00:22:34,062 --> 00:22:36,064
You know what, would you wanna
551
00:22:36,147 --> 00:22:38,108
get out of here
and go hang out at my place?
552
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:41,403
And... we could watch a movie
or canoodle, you know.
553
00:22:41,486 --> 00:22:43,363
That sounds nice.
554
00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,240
[chuckles softly]
555
00:22:46,616 --> 00:22:50,370
I had a good time tonight.
Can I... call you?
556
00:22:51,204 --> 00:22:53,999
Well, wait, you don't have to leave.
You can stay.
557
00:22:54,082 --> 00:22:56,167
You can have sex with me tonight.
558
00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:59,254
I like you. I don't wanna have sex
the first night we hang out.
559
00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:01,923
[scoffing] Come on!
You're a guy. Come on.
560
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:08,263
I really need to have sex
with you... tonight.
561
00:23:08,346 --> 00:23:10,140
You know, I'm feeling uncomfortable.
562
00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:12,434
You shouldn't. You should feel flattered.
563
00:23:12,517 --> 00:23:14,853
- Right.
- I had a sure thing at the bar,
564
00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,479
but I chose you.
565
00:23:16,605 --> 00:23:18,940
So I'm only here 'cause you needed some D.
566
00:23:19,024 --> 00:23:22,569
Yeah, and I wanted to make it up to you
because of scalding you on the lot.
567
00:23:22,652 --> 00:23:25,322
You realize this is insulting
to me right now?
568
00:23:25,405 --> 00:23:27,490
Uh... Richard, it is not about you.
569
00:23:27,574 --> 00:23:29,034
- No kidding.
- Okay.
570
00:23:29,117 --> 00:23:31,536
The sad thing is, I liked you.
I thought you liked me.
571
00:23:31,620 --> 00:23:32,954
You know... Goodbye, Maria.
572
00:23:33,038 --> 00:23:35,165
You are a bad person
573
00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:39,919
and I'm glad you will never be
on the Fox lot ever again.
574
00:23:40,003 --> 00:23:41,421
[grunting]
575
00:23:41,504 --> 00:23:43,590
- [scoffing]
- [door opens and closes]
576
00:23:46,259 --> 00:23:47,552
[shouting] Aw, shit!
577
00:23:47,636 --> 00:23:49,137
[echoing]
578
00:23:53,141 --> 00:23:54,768
- Frank, you're still here?
- Yeah.
579
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:57,646
- Awesome.
- So, are we gonna fuck or what?
580
00:24:02,484 --> 00:24:04,027
I ain't your bitch.
581
00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:08,907
I am a strong black man
and I take care of my sisters. Okay?
582
00:24:08,990 --> 00:24:10,867
I'm gonna cut you, motherfucker.
583
00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:12,952
I am Nibbles.
584
00:24:13,036 --> 00:24:15,664
You're not gonna get
a piece of this cookie. Okay?
585
00:24:15,747 --> 00:24:17,707
So, is that a no?
586
00:24:17,791 --> 00:24:19,292
Yes, that's a no.
587
00:24:19,376 --> 00:24:22,420
By being a black man...
588
00:24:22,504 --> 00:24:26,174
I finally learned
to be a better white woman.
589
00:24:26,257 --> 00:24:29,469
I have the balls to be a white woman.
590
00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:32,639
I don't have to open up
my painful rock box, okay?
591
00:24:32,722 --> 00:24:35,642
I can open up my feelings box,
so I can gain the confidence
592
00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:39,854
and that confidence
will attract the right person.
593
00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:46,611
Good for you, Frank. Celebrate the body.
594
00:24:48,113 --> 00:24:49,823
Celebrate the body!
595
00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:57,747
[Maria sighs] Oh, man.
596
00:24:57,831 --> 00:24:59,332
- [indistinct chatter]
- [dance music playing]
597
00:24:59,416 --> 00:25:02,293
Larissa said that party
was in a fortnight.
598
00:25:02,377 --> 00:25:03,503
[scoffing]
599
00:25:03,586 --> 00:25:05,338
I really wanted to go to that.
600
00:25:05,422 --> 00:25:08,133
[groans] It's too late now.
601
00:25:12,429 --> 00:25:13,722
[groans loudly]
602
00:25:16,808 --> 00:25:18,393
[grunts softly]
603
00:25:18,476 --> 00:25:19,811
[switches clicking]
604
00:25:21,855 --> 00:25:23,565
- [Bert whimpering]
- Yeah, I know.
605
00:25:23,648 --> 00:25:25,400
I'm doing the best that I can, Bert.
606
00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:28,778
I really need your support
right now, okay?
607
00:25:28,862 --> 00:25:32,532
Blueberry, that's a great idea.
I will go next door and ask for help.
608
00:25:32,615 --> 00:25:34,659
[indistinct chatter]
609
00:25:36,828 --> 00:25:38,371
[hip-hop music playing]
610
00:25:39,581 --> 00:25:40,623
Hey, everybody!
611
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:45,003
Hey, I live next door. Could anyone
help me get my lights back on?
612
00:25:46,379 --> 00:25:49,549
Um... I'm an electrician.
Is that helpful?
613
00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,217
Yes. Yes. [laughing]
614
00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:53,636
That'd be great. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
615
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,931
I just... I did everything and...
616
00:25:57,015 --> 00:25:59,851
- it doesn't seem to be working.
- [switch clicking]
617
00:26:02,771 --> 00:26:05,690
- It's... a miracle.
- [both laughing]
618
00:26:05,774 --> 00:26:06,941
Yeah.
619
00:26:11,571 --> 00:26:13,031
[Both moaning]
620
00:26:28,379 --> 00:26:30,298
[wind whooshing]
621
00:26:31,758 --> 00:26:34,260
[whispering] It's a Vaginismus miracle.
622
00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:37,305
- [groans softly]
- [chuckling]
623
00:26:37,388 --> 00:26:40,767
Hey, so that was really fun.
Thank you so much for everything.
624
00:26:41,976 --> 00:26:43,978
Bye, now. [chuckling]
625
00:26:44,062 --> 00:26:45,522
Wait. Wait.
626
00:26:46,898 --> 00:26:48,650
You don't wanna do this again?
627
00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:52,529
- For what purpose?
- Because I really like you.
628
00:26:53,696 --> 00:26:54,864
Why?
629
00:26:56,074 --> 00:27:00,203
I don't know what I'm doing
630
00:27:01,496 --> 00:27:06,000
More than half of the time
631
00:27:07,627 --> 00:27:09,629
[upbeat music playing]
632
00:27:09,679 --> 00:27:14,229
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
48946
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.