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[theme music playing]
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Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
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[Maria] I'm a pterodactyl.
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00:00:17,730 --> 00:00:18,940
[Maria] [screaming] Corn!
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[indistinct chatter]
6
00:00:23,653 --> 00:00:26,739
My ex-wife Barbara
is holding her first dinner party
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00:00:26,823 --> 00:00:29,659
with her Venezuelan beloved, Ramon.
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00:00:29,742 --> 00:00:30,993
Now let me ask you,
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00:00:31,077 --> 00:00:33,913
shall I raise my arm to smite said lover?
No.
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For kindness shall be my sword.
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I'm really nervous to go in here.
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I'm terrible at parties.
I don't make small talk.
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I just wish I could be
one of those people who could
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[in fancy voice] talk about wine and...
and tennis and Mercedes Benzeseses.
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00:00:48,531 --> 00:00:51,347
Don't overthink it, my queen.
Just relax, make jokes
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00:00:51,430 --> 00:00:52,348
and we'll have fun.
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- Okay.
- Perhaps you and I will vamp a bit.
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00:00:54,809 --> 00:00:56,126
My ex-wife will observe
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00:00:56,151 --> 00:00:58,629
the rapscallion wit
that she has forsaken.
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[Maria] Isn't life funny?
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[all laughing]
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00:01:03,401 --> 00:01:06,571
Anyway... you guys are crazy!
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[sighs] Oh, God.
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00:01:09,949 --> 00:01:11,617
May I?
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[in fancy voice] Oh.
Enchant?e. Well... [chuckles]
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00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:19,083
[clears throat] Jack Tripper.
Wilkins and Marshall.
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00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,960
Well, I'm not sure
how much of that is your name,
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00:01:22,044 --> 00:01:23,545
but I am intrigued.
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Diane Winterbottommonte.
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Wathkins and Mytel.
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I'm a natural extrovert
and so this is a pleasure...
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00:01:33,764 --> 00:01:35,182
pleasure meeting you.
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Do you love tennis as much as I do?
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Uh, maybe more.
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00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:40,771
First doubles at Yale.
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00:01:41,522 --> 00:01:44,316
This is gonna be a problem.
Harvard Lady Bobcat!
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- No.
- Class of I'll never tell.
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[both laughing]
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You are quite a spark plug.
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You know it.
How about these spark plugs?
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[laughing]
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Extrovert!
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- [chuckles] I really am.
- [sighs] Wow.
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[Maria] ...so I turn to Bono,
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and I say, "Bono, you crazy mick.
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You've been using the Kennedy girl's
tennis racket the whole time."
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[all laughing]
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[normal voice]
How do I get out of this voice?
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Stick with it.
50
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That guy over there is a big producer
with a TV show,
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Locked Up Abroad.
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He's gobbling up every gorgeous word.
Go on!
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People know me. Barbara's met me before.
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My lady love is
otherwise engaged at the moment
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- with my Latin cuckolder.
- [Barbara] Come on, baby.
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[whispering] Come on...
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Oh.
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I can't do it anymore.
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I'm exhausted. I need a Sucrets.
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Hey, you guys? This is my real voice.
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I don't know anything about tennis
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and I actually enjoy
gas station tuna fish sandwiches.
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- Uh...
- [laughs]
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[all laughing]
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A regular Rich Little.
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God... [chuckles]
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That shrill, horrible
voice was hilarious!
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[in fancy voice] Can you imagine?
It's almost a disability.
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00:02:55,054 --> 00:02:58,808
I bet I'd be eligible for a
handicapped parking placard for my Jag.
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00:02:58,891 --> 00:03:00,768
[both laughing]
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But, hey, what are you...
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what are you into?
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What... turns you on?
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00:03:06,148 --> 00:03:08,859
- What's your jam?
- [clicks tongue] You know,
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00:03:08,943 --> 00:03:10,194
I like Coffee Bean...
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00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,529
and Big Bang Theory.
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That is insane.
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00:03:14,824 --> 00:03:18,328
Those are two of my favorite five things.
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Have you been to the beach?
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00:03:21,872 --> 00:03:24,541
Yes, I have.
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- This is crazy.
- [sighs]
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[acoustic guitar music playing]
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[strumming ends abruptly]
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[in normal voice] Bruce,
this is very sexual.
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- We should go.
- You see that shirt?
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And those pants he's wearing?
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Those are mine.
Unconsciously, she yearns for me.
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And now she wants me to fight
to get her back.
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00:03:47,023 --> 00:03:49,234
[Maria] Don't you think he's stealing
your expensive clothes?
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00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:51,485
In that case, the joke's on him.
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00:03:51,569 --> 00:03:52,820
- See that whole outfit?
- Yes.
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00:03:52,903 --> 00:03:55,781
$11 from the Bruce Boxleitner collection
at Kohl's.
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00:03:55,865 --> 00:03:57,450
Plus, double joke's on him.
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00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,785
I had a rolling brown-out
in those slacks
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courtesy of Ron Popeil's
July Fourth ceviche bar.
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00:04:03,497 --> 00:04:06,166
Well...
I think I better clean up some plates.
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00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,461
Looks like Barbara's busy.
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00:04:08,544 --> 00:04:10,755
[Maria] Yeah, I'm gonna go too.
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00:04:10,838 --> 00:04:13,841
Mmm... that Diane voice
really wiped me out.
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00:04:15,092 --> 00:04:16,719
Can I walk you to your car?
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00:04:16,802 --> 00:04:17,845
Oh.
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[in fancy voice] Fantastic.
Wow, a gentleman.
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I thought you had all
gone the way of the dodo.
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00:04:24,185 --> 00:04:26,521
- [both laughing]
- That's, uh...
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the extinct bird, right?
106
00:04:29,899 --> 00:04:31,401
- Yes.
- Oh.
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00:04:31,484 --> 00:04:34,237
Well, I wish I had parked farther away.
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00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,280
[both laughing]
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00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:38,156
Why am I laughing?
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00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,450
- [laughing]
- [Maria] I have
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an unearned sense of confidence.
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I really like you, Diane.
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Would you want to go to the beach
or maybe Coffee Bean sometime?
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Oh, well, that would be... fabulous.
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[in normal voice] Know what?
I've got to be honest with you.
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I fell into a Diane voice vortex.
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00:04:56,634 --> 00:04:58,719
This is who I am. My name's Maria.
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I don't actually work for
Wathkins and whatever.
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- Mytel.
- Uh, right.
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I'm so sorry.
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00:05:06,727 --> 00:05:07,895
I'm just a comedian.
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00:05:07,978 --> 00:05:11,273
Oh. [chuckles] Comedy! I love comedy.
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00:05:11,357 --> 00:05:13,609
- Oh!
- Can't believe I didn't get the joke.
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00:05:13,692 --> 00:05:16,209
When I have a glass of wine,
I lose my sense of humor,
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00:05:16,234 --> 00:05:17,011
like everybody.
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00:05:17,071 --> 00:05:20,616
And after a few drinks
everything just becomes... very real.
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00:05:20,699 --> 00:05:23,035
And I tighten up and clench all over.
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00:05:23,119 --> 00:05:25,163
I really pinch off.
Well, great meeting you.
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00:05:25,246 --> 00:05:27,623
[in fancy voice] Guess
I'll just get into my Jag.
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00:05:27,706 --> 00:05:31,168
Uh...
Would you wanna get coffee tomorrow?
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00:05:31,252 --> 00:05:32,628
[in normal voice] Yes, sure.
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00:05:32,711 --> 00:05:34,313
On second thought,
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00:05:34,338 --> 00:05:37,072
tomorrow actually won't
work well for me.
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00:05:37,133 --> 00:05:39,052
[in fancy voice]
How about tomorrow's tomorrow?
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00:05:40,177 --> 00:05:44,515
Actually, now that I think about it...
I think tomorrow would actually work.
136
00:05:44,598 --> 00:05:48,018
Well... great. [laughing]
137
00:05:53,274 --> 00:05:55,818
So I met somebody. A really nice guy...
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00:05:55,901 --> 00:05:57,403
- [Larissa gasps]
- ...named Jack.
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00:05:57,486 --> 00:05:59,905
- Uh-huh.
- [in fancy voice] We really hit it off
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00:05:59,989 --> 00:06:01,782
when I was doing my Diane voice.
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00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:04,452
I'd just gotten my pap smear
in my Mercedes.
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00:06:04,535 --> 00:06:06,203
- All clear.
- [all laughing]
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00:06:06,287 --> 00:06:09,916
[in normal voice] I'm worried that's
the only thing he likes about me,
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[in fancy voice] the intoxicating voice.
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00:06:12,168 --> 00:06:15,463
He definitely likes something that starts
with a V. Your pussy.
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00:06:15,546 --> 00:06:17,715
- No, he's very nice.
- [Larissa] Is he hot?
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00:06:17,798 --> 00:06:20,926
Does he have a powerful aura?
What do you like about him?
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00:06:21,010 --> 00:06:23,346
He really likes me.
That's what I really like.
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00:06:23,429 --> 00:06:25,806
But he only likes me
when I'm doing the voice.
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00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:28,393
And that's a little weird.
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00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:31,311
Nobody is themself
for the first six years of dating.
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00:06:31,395 --> 00:06:33,188
That's science. That's proven.
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00:06:33,272 --> 00:06:34,648
Everybody, when they start out,
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they put their best foot forward.
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00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:38,902
- One step at a time, right?
- In the beginning. Yeah.
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00:06:38,986 --> 00:06:40,154
Just shut up for a second.
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00:06:40,237 --> 00:06:41,447
Listen, between you and me,
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00:06:41,530 --> 00:06:46,118
I've done some humiliating shit for guys.
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00:06:46,202 --> 00:06:47,954
I'm talking really humiliating shit.
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00:06:48,037 --> 00:06:50,289
- [cell phone vibrating]
- [Maria] I know.
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00:06:51,207 --> 00:06:52,291
I'd better...
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00:06:52,374 --> 00:06:54,751
- I wanna see who this is.
- Get the phone.
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[in fancy voice] Go for Diane.
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00:06:57,755 --> 00:07:00,091
What am I doing? [laughs]
165
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I am carbonating my pool
in my solid gold tankini
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00:07:04,595 --> 00:07:06,013
and my belly chain.
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00:07:06,096 --> 00:07:07,347
[laughs]
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00:07:08,432 --> 00:07:09,600
I'd love to see you at the show.
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00:07:09,683 --> 00:07:11,310
I'll get you tickets right up front.
170
00:07:11,393 --> 00:07:13,770
So close, you can see my pores
if I had any.
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00:07:13,854 --> 00:07:16,648
[laughs] Okay, sweet pea.
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00:07:16,774 --> 00:07:18,734
Squirrel kiss. Mmm!
173
00:07:18,817 --> 00:07:20,527
Mmm, yeah!
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00:07:20,611 --> 00:07:21,821
Yeah...
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00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:25,574
What the fuck was that?
176
00:07:26,450 --> 00:07:29,912
Forget everything I said before
because that was fucking disgusting.
177
00:07:29,995 --> 00:07:33,582
I once kissed a squirrel
in an ashram outside of Boulder.
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00:07:33,666 --> 00:07:37,253
I was in the hospital for 16 weeks
and I learned my lesson.
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00:07:37,336 --> 00:07:39,755
Now, I'm super careful
when I kiss squirrels.
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00:07:42,841 --> 00:07:45,385
[Maria] I was doingmy fancy voice to please Jack,
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00:07:45,469 --> 00:07:46,679
but I had to be careful.
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00:07:46,762 --> 00:07:49,139
People-pleasing got me
in trouble in the past,
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00:07:49,223 --> 00:07:51,142
especially with my best friend from home,
184
00:07:51,225 --> 00:07:52,560
Susan!
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00:07:52,643 --> 00:07:54,395
Maria, I hope it's okay,
186
00:07:54,478 --> 00:07:58,565
I brought my real estate agent,
Karen Grisham, to watch.
187
00:07:58,649 --> 00:08:01,235
Karen Grisham?
That's the name of my talent agent.
188
00:08:01,318 --> 00:08:02,486
Maybe she's my sister.
189
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:03,904
[both laugh]
190
00:08:03,988 --> 00:08:05,406
Isn't she funny, Maria?
191
00:08:05,489 --> 00:08:07,616
- Yeah...
- She should be the comedian.
192
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,745
Maria is an alternative comedian.
193
00:08:10,828 --> 00:08:13,372
As in, alternative to funny.
194
00:08:13,455 --> 00:08:15,999
- [laughing]
- Oh, come on!
195
00:08:16,083 --> 00:08:18,752
Susan, you're busting my nards right now.
196
00:08:19,628 --> 00:08:23,465
So just so you know what I'm doing,
it's a cartoon based on SeaWorld
197
00:08:23,549 --> 00:08:25,217
and I play Lady Orca
198
00:08:25,301 --> 00:08:28,805
and it's starring and produced
by Dr. Bill Cosby...
199
00:08:28,887 --> 00:08:30,222
PhD.
200
00:08:30,306 --> 00:08:33,351
So Cosby, SeaWorld...
How could it miss? [chuckling]
201
00:08:34,184 --> 00:08:37,270
- Nobody cares, Ave Maria.
- [both laughing]
202
00:08:37,354 --> 00:08:38,480
Get to work, squirt.
203
00:08:39,023 --> 00:08:41,359
Another dooze from Sooze.
204
00:08:41,442 --> 00:08:43,027
[chuckling]
205
00:08:44,570 --> 00:08:46,238
[beeping]
206
00:08:49,116 --> 00:08:51,201
I escaped from
those Greenpeace kidnappers,
207
00:08:51,285 --> 00:08:54,371
and now I want to get back to my cozy tank
208
00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:58,584
where crowds adore me
and fish fall from the sky!
209
00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:00,377
Freedom is a burden!
210
00:09:00,461 --> 00:09:02,672
Let me in, Bill Cosby!
211
00:09:02,755 --> 00:09:04,590
Let me in!
212
00:09:04,673 --> 00:09:07,467
- Perfect, Maria. Thank you.
- Oh, okay.
213
00:09:07,551 --> 00:09:08,802
Thanks, Glenn.
214
00:09:09,887 --> 00:09:11,555
Okay, I'm done!
215
00:09:13,057 --> 00:09:14,267
- That's it?
- Yeah.
216
00:09:14,350 --> 00:09:15,351
That's all you do?
217
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:17,061
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
218
00:09:17,144 --> 00:09:19,563
What a Freddie-freeloader.
219
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:22,315
What do they pay you
to spit into a microphone?
220
00:09:22,399 --> 00:09:23,901
Oh, I'd rather not say.
221
00:09:23,984 --> 00:09:25,736
- $10,000.
- Okay.
222
00:09:25,819 --> 00:09:28,405
- Oh, my fudge on rye.
- Fuck my butt-titties.
223
00:09:28,489 --> 00:09:31,575
You make $10,000
for 30 seconds? [chuckles]
224
00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:33,577
What do the goobers
at Checklist give ya?
225
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,912
- I don't know. It's...
- [Glenn] $150,000.
226
00:09:35,996 --> 00:09:36,997
- [Susan] What?
- Thanks, Glenn.
227
00:09:37,081 --> 00:09:40,001
[Maria] That is thanks to
the hardworking men and women
228
00:09:40,084 --> 00:09:41,377
of America's labor unions.
229
00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:43,837
Maybe I should show you houses.
230
00:09:43,921 --> 00:09:44,922
[Susan] Yeah!
231
00:09:45,005 --> 00:09:48,300
But first,
you gotta look at my super cute condo.
232
00:09:48,384 --> 00:09:50,595
It's my MTV crib. [exclaims]
233
00:09:51,470 --> 00:09:54,390
[Susan] Paul and I have been dyingfor a vacation home.
234
00:09:54,473 --> 00:09:56,266
You can use it anytime, Maria,
235
00:09:56,350 --> 00:10:00,145
because I'm your bestiefrom the Midwestie. [laughs]
236
00:10:00,229 --> 00:10:02,690
[Maria] Oh, it's nice.Congratulations, Susan.
237
00:10:02,773 --> 00:10:04,191
This is wonderful.
238
00:10:04,316 --> 00:10:05,984
[Karen] Check out these hardwood floors.
239
00:10:06,068 --> 00:10:07,069
[Maria] Okay.
240
00:10:07,152 --> 00:10:09,112
Oh, are those pine?
241
00:10:09,196 --> 00:10:11,657
- [Karen] It's koa, it's endangered.
- [Maria] Okay.
242
00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:15,202
[Karen] And this isthe 75-bottle wine fridge.
243
00:10:15,285 --> 00:10:18,205
[Susan] Paul loves wine.That's my husband, Karen.
244
00:10:18,288 --> 00:10:20,499
- Maria doesn't have one.
- [Maria] Nope.
245
00:10:20,582 --> 00:10:22,793
[Susan] Anybody want nachos? [chuckles]
246
00:10:22,876 --> 00:10:24,086
[Maria] You know what?
247
00:10:24,169 --> 00:10:25,420
I feel like I'm gonna barf.
248
00:10:25,504 --> 00:10:27,131
Maybe we can get something to eat.
249
00:10:27,214 --> 00:10:29,550
These are just making me a little sick.
250
00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:31,677
You see this Karen?
This is what I have to deal with.
251
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:34,429
We're spending time enjoying
something about me
252
00:10:34,513 --> 00:10:35,848
for a change and...
253
00:10:35,931 --> 00:10:38,684
it makes Eleanor Roose-selfish sick.
254
00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:41,186
Why don't we find you a new house
to vomit in?
255
00:10:41,270 --> 00:10:44,148
That's okay.
I just wanna go get some lunch or...
256
00:10:44,231 --> 00:10:46,442
Well, you're not gonna eat
until you buy a house.
257
00:10:46,525 --> 00:10:48,360
- Okay.
- We're doing this!
258
00:10:48,444 --> 00:10:49,862
Hi-ya!
259
00:10:51,947 --> 00:10:53,365
- [Karen sighs]
- [Maria gasps]
260
00:10:54,283 --> 00:10:57,369
- [intercom beeps]
- Gabe, tell them to bring another desk.
261
00:10:57,453 --> 00:10:58,537
I did it again.
262
00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:01,123
[Maria] Well, this is nice.
263
00:11:01,206 --> 00:11:02,833
It's definitely a house.
264
00:11:02,916 --> 00:11:05,168
You will get much cock in this house.
265
00:11:05,252 --> 00:11:07,629
- I'll get it.
- Maria wants something nicer.
266
00:11:07,713 --> 00:11:09,215
- Right, squirt?
- Oh.
267
00:11:10,007 --> 00:11:11,425
I guess.
268
00:11:11,508 --> 00:11:14,219
Oh, fuck me running. Let's go bigger!
269
00:11:14,303 --> 00:11:15,930
- [chuckles]
- Uh-oh. Got to go.
270
00:11:16,013 --> 00:11:19,058
Stamos needs a third fuck palace.
He's calling them "Bukake Condos."
271
00:11:19,141 --> 00:11:20,392
Oh.
272
00:11:20,476 --> 00:11:21,978
Bu-condos!
273
00:11:22,895 --> 00:11:24,480
- [both laughing]
- I get it.
274
00:11:24,563 --> 00:11:26,899
[Karen] This house
is particularly attractive
275
00:11:26,982 --> 00:11:29,193
because the price
is so goddamn reasonable.
276
00:11:29,276 --> 00:11:31,069
- Okay.
- Why? Easy, murder.
277
00:11:31,195 --> 00:11:33,656
Don't normally show my clients
a homicide house.
278
00:11:33,739 --> 00:11:36,742
This is a gem.
This is a double homicide house.
279
00:11:36,825 --> 00:11:40,162
You know "The Woman Who Knew Too Much,"
the Dateline episode?
280
00:11:40,245 --> 00:11:42,880
Those people spent forever
looking for the killers
281
00:11:42,905 --> 00:11:44,273
and then the killers killed each other.
282
00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:46,377
You might want to look
across the street.
283
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:48,155
Also reduced. Also murders.
284
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,756
More likely an eight-family hog
butchering. Know what they say,
285
00:11:50,839 --> 00:11:52,132
"You don't want the least murdery house
286
00:11:52,216 --> 00:11:53,551
on the most murdery street."
287
00:11:53,634 --> 00:11:55,719
- That's the real estate 4-1-1.
- Okay.
288
00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:58,513
Aw, Maria's too cheap to buy
such a nice joint.
289
00:11:58,597 --> 00:12:02,017
She's a real Miser Minnelli. [chuckles]
290
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:03,393
I am not cheap.
291
00:12:03,477 --> 00:12:05,854
- [scoffs]
- I'm a member of Debtors Anonymous
292
00:12:05,979 --> 00:12:06,980
and I make good money.
293
00:12:07,064 --> 00:12:10,442
Especially now that I have Checklist.
[mutters] Your cradle-to-grave store.
294
00:12:10,526 --> 00:12:14,071
Well, as I said to
my husband's cock implant guy...
295
00:12:14,154 --> 00:12:16,031
Let's go bigger!
296
00:12:16,114 --> 00:12:17,907
Oh! [laughs]
297
00:12:17,991 --> 00:12:19,367
Ta-da!
298
00:12:20,786 --> 00:12:22,454
What is this?
299
00:12:22,538 --> 00:12:24,665
[screaming excitedly] It's a house!
300
00:12:24,748 --> 00:12:29,044
[in sing-song] I bought the house
you said I should buy.
301
00:12:29,127 --> 00:12:32,339
[in normal voice]
Look, it's got its own recording booth
302
00:12:32,422 --> 00:12:34,507
where I can do my voice-over work and...
303
00:12:34,591 --> 00:12:36,927
Are you flipping kidding me
right flipping now?
304
00:12:37,010 --> 00:12:38,512
Yeah, we did it!
305
00:12:39,513 --> 00:12:42,141
Up top! Whoo-hoo!
306
00:12:42,224 --> 00:12:43,684
I knew you'd gone Hollywood,
307
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:46,853
but I never thought on one second,
you'd rub it in my face like this.
308
00:12:46,937 --> 00:12:49,648
I bought a nice condo out here
in Marina del Rey
309
00:12:49,773 --> 00:12:52,442
and I said that you could use it.
310
00:12:52,526 --> 00:12:55,738
And then you go and buy
a movie star mansion
311
00:12:55,821 --> 00:12:57,156
with a recording booth
312
00:12:57,239 --> 00:13:00,993
so you don't even have to leave the house
to make $10,000 per second.
313
00:13:01,076 --> 00:13:05,247
I thought this was gonna make you happy.
I didn't even want to buy this house.
314
00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:08,291
You want me to feel bad for you
'cause your house is too big?
315
00:13:08,375 --> 00:13:11,253
Kiss my keister!
316
00:13:14,631 --> 00:13:16,716
- [door slams shut]
- Susan?
317
00:13:17,759 --> 00:13:19,469
[breathing heavily]
318
00:13:27,269 --> 00:13:28,979
[audience cheering and applauding]
319
00:13:29,062 --> 00:13:31,648
[in fancy voice]
Hi, I'm Diane Winterbottommonte.
320
00:13:31,773 --> 00:13:33,358
Connecticut. [chuckles]
321
00:13:33,442 --> 00:13:35,444
You know what I hate
322
00:13:35,527 --> 00:13:36,570
about mountain skiing?
323
00:13:36,653 --> 00:13:39,948
Those double black diamond runs.
They let anybody on there.
324
00:13:40,032 --> 00:13:42,493
- It's like, "What?" [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
325
00:13:43,201 --> 00:13:44,244
[sighs]
326
00:13:44,328 --> 00:13:47,164
If you can't do a mogul,
you can't date one. I should know.
327
00:13:47,247 --> 00:13:48,790
I had sex near Donald Trump once.
328
00:13:48,874 --> 00:13:52,211
- [all laughing]
- Oh, is anyone relating?
329
00:13:52,294 --> 00:13:54,171
Thanks so much. Have a great night.
330
00:13:54,254 --> 00:13:57,591
- [applauding]
- [indistinct chatter]
331
00:13:58,842 --> 00:14:01,887
That was great.
So very, very, very hilarious.
332
00:14:01,970 --> 00:14:03,555
I'm so charged up just hearing you speak.
333
00:14:03,639 --> 00:14:05,599
[in normal voice]
I don't know. It felt kinda weird.
334
00:14:05,682 --> 00:14:07,851
- What would she say about it?
- Who?
335
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,894
- Our friend Diane.
- [in fancy voice] Oh.
336
00:14:09,978 --> 00:14:12,898
She would say,
"If you don't like it, you can lump it.
337
00:14:12,981 --> 00:14:14,524
Do you like to lumpty lump?
338
00:14:14,608 --> 00:14:16,860
Let me dig
into your digital underground.
339
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:19,737
Reference!" [laughing]
340
00:14:19,821 --> 00:14:21,323
- Hey, Maria.
- Hey.
341
00:14:21,406 --> 00:14:23,491
Hey, Patton, this is my friend Jack.
342
00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:24,743
Hey, Jack.
343
00:14:24,826 --> 00:14:25,952
How do you know this cunt?
344
00:14:26,036 --> 00:14:28,330
Whoa! Watch your fucking mouth, buddy.
345
00:14:28,413 --> 00:14:31,917
- Do we have a problem here?
- [chuckling] That's hilarious!
346
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,919
- See you later, whore.
- Okay. [grunts]
347
00:14:34,002 --> 00:14:35,045
What an asshole.
348
00:14:35,128 --> 00:14:36,630
- What's his problem?
- [in normal voice] No.
349
00:14:36,713 --> 00:14:38,340
He's a good friend. He's just...
350
00:14:38,423 --> 00:14:40,133
"Cunt" is a term of endearment.
351
00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:42,553
It's so bad, no one would ever say it.
352
00:14:42,636 --> 00:14:44,471
And so that's why you can say it.
353
00:14:45,555 --> 00:14:46,556
Oh.
354
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:50,060
Cunt, cunt, cunt. Karate, karate.
Rancho Cucamonga.
355
00:14:50,143 --> 00:14:53,438
Is that why it's funny?
Because cunt has a "K" sound?
356
00:14:53,522 --> 00:14:56,734
[in fancy voice] It might be better
if you just stop talking.
357
00:14:56,817 --> 00:14:59,320
[chuckles] You know what I'd love to do?
358
00:14:59,403 --> 00:15:03,115
Is I'd love to open up
a box of Chardonnay,
359
00:15:03,198 --> 00:15:05,367
read aloud from a Woman's Day magazine...
360
00:15:05,450 --> 00:15:07,369
and sit on your face.
361
00:15:07,452 --> 00:15:09,120
Fuck you, cunt.
362
00:15:09,204 --> 00:15:10,580
You're coming on a little hot,
363
00:15:10,664 --> 00:15:13,167
but I like where your head's at.
364
00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:15,711
[Jack] If we were at a party
with your parents,
365
00:15:15,794 --> 00:15:17,504
and I brought you a drink and said,
366
00:15:17,587 --> 00:15:19,798
"Here's your gin and tonic,
you dirty ax gash."
367
00:15:19,881 --> 00:15:22,300
Okay, no. Oh, that's rough.
368
00:15:22,384 --> 00:15:23,969
I would not be okay with that.
369
00:15:24,052 --> 00:15:26,680
Jeez, Louise. I just don't get comedy.
370
00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,723
[in fancy voice] Don't worry. Just...
371
00:15:28,807 --> 00:15:30,934
take off your shirt, handsome. Hmm?
372
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,227
Is the word "taint" funny?
373
00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:34,729
Shh, baby bear.
374
00:15:34,813 --> 00:15:36,481
No more words.
375
00:15:36,565 --> 00:15:38,984
- Let's just relax.
- [unzipping]
376
00:15:48,744 --> 00:15:52,414
I'm sorry. I can't focus.
I can't stop thinking about Patton.
377
00:15:52,497 --> 00:15:54,541
[in normal voice] You're, like,
the fifth guy to say that
378
00:15:54,624 --> 00:15:56,417
while I'm enjoying intimacy with them.
379
00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:57,794
[sighs]
380
00:15:57,878 --> 00:15:59,963
[in fancy voice] I can't stop thinking
about Patton either.
381
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:02,173
Pattin' your bottom...
382
00:16:02,257 --> 00:16:03,383
with my tongue.
383
00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:04,843
Forget comedy. Just keep talking.
384
00:16:04,926 --> 00:16:07,887
So I'm in the lobby
of the Peninsula Hong Kong,
385
00:16:07,971 --> 00:16:10,432
and the Sultan of Brunei
leaves me another voicemail.
386
00:16:10,515 --> 00:16:12,225
I don't know if you know him.
He's very hairy.
387
00:16:12,309 --> 00:16:13,310
You don't get that over the phone.
388
00:16:13,393 --> 00:16:15,604
Anyway, more to come.
389
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,868
Well, great news.
390
00:16:29,951 --> 00:16:33,621
Barbara asked me to keep all my pants
and my bike at the house.
391
00:16:33,705 --> 00:16:37,584
Ramon will be using them,
but it's a step in the right direction.
392
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:41,963
And now for even better news,
you booked the pilot for Lock Up A Broad.
393
00:16:42,047 --> 00:16:44,466
Here's the rub.
You have to use the Diane voice.
394
00:16:44,549 --> 00:16:48,094
The pilot?
Isn't Locked Up Abroad on the air?
395
00:16:48,178 --> 00:16:50,681
Ah, yes, correct.
I was similarly confounded.
396
00:16:50,764 --> 00:16:52,140
The show of which I speak,
397
00:16:52,224 --> 00:16:56,979
Lock Up A Broad, is a wonderful show
where women are put inside a box
398
00:16:57,062 --> 00:16:59,022
and they have
an opportunity to apologize
399
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,733
to a spouse or a lover,
400
00:17:01,817 --> 00:17:04,069
for valuable grand prizes.
401
00:17:04,152 --> 00:17:07,155
The whole thing
is rather ironic, which I know you enjoy,
402
00:17:07,239 --> 00:17:09,616
and it does shine a whimsical light
403
00:17:09,699 --> 00:17:12,243
on the very real problem
of female slavery.
404
00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:15,080
Bruce... I don't think I'm into it.
405
00:17:15,163 --> 00:17:17,248
It sounds very misogynistic.
406
00:17:17,332 --> 00:17:20,293
- They give prizes, Maria!
- Yeah, I can't do it.
407
00:17:20,377 --> 00:17:21,378
Wait a second, Maria.
408
00:17:21,461 --> 00:17:24,923
Have I ever begged you
to do anything before?
409
00:17:25,006 --> 00:17:26,007
Yes.
410
00:17:26,091 --> 00:17:28,844
Speaking of me on my knees,
I got to get out of that dorm room.
411
00:17:28,927 --> 00:17:32,347
Since Barbara kicked me out,
I've been living in a dorm room.
412
00:17:32,430 --> 00:17:34,641
The gentlemen of Meta Beta
are anything but gentle.
413
00:17:34,724 --> 00:17:36,100
They call me "Shower Bear."
414
00:17:36,184 --> 00:17:37,560
They pass me around.
415
00:17:38,186 --> 00:17:41,523
One time, I came back from my room to find
416
00:17:41,606 --> 00:17:43,942
a full human shit inside my Mets hat.
417
00:17:44,025 --> 00:17:45,443
- [gasps]
- "Put it on," they said.
418
00:17:45,527 --> 00:17:48,488
Tears weren't the only thing
running down my face that day.
419
00:17:48,572 --> 00:17:49,782
Oh, my God, Bruce.
420
00:17:49,865 --> 00:17:52,701
Why are you putting yourself
in this situation?
421
00:17:52,784 --> 00:17:55,120
I have to, Maria.
These guys are my brothers.
422
00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:58,873
You can come and stay with me,
just until you get back on your feet.
423
00:17:58,957 --> 00:18:02,335
That's very kind,
but I can never burden a client like that.
424
00:18:02,419 --> 00:18:05,213
Allow me to just force you
to take this job, okay?
425
00:18:05,297 --> 00:18:06,590
I need the commission.
426
00:18:06,673 --> 00:18:08,592
- I've got to get out of there.
- Oh.
427
00:18:08,675 --> 00:18:12,012
I need a safe place to close my eyes.
428
00:18:12,095 --> 00:18:15,223
[groans] Okay, fine. I'll do it.
429
00:18:15,307 --> 00:18:17,643
But you have to call the police.
430
00:18:17,726 --> 00:18:19,311
No! No cops.
431
00:18:19,394 --> 00:18:21,396
Mikey P. was very clear on that.
432
00:18:22,647 --> 00:18:24,524
[smooth jazz music playing]
433
00:18:24,608 --> 00:18:25,901
Very clear.
434
00:18:40,874 --> 00:18:42,501
Do you hear that?
435
00:18:46,504 --> 00:18:47,505
Yes.
436
00:18:48,423 --> 00:18:51,426
You'd be angry too if someone
stole your honey and nectar.
437
00:18:51,509 --> 00:18:52,593
[all laughing]
438
00:18:52,677 --> 00:18:56,681
[in mock accent] "My wife, she has
vageen like a sleeve of wizard."
439
00:18:56,765 --> 00:18:58,684
- Borat!
- [all laughing]
440
00:19:01,269 --> 00:19:03,563
[man] So I went on a cruise before work.
441
00:19:03,647 --> 00:19:06,441
- A snooze cruise.
- [all laughing]
442
00:19:06,524 --> 00:19:08,735
Only lasts eight minutes.
443
00:19:08,818 --> 00:19:11,654
- Snooze button!
- [all laughing]
444
00:19:11,738 --> 00:19:13,782
Isn't Danny hilarious?
445
00:19:13,865 --> 00:19:16,910
Yeah, it was well-crafted
because he had left the surprise
446
00:19:16,993 --> 00:19:18,870
at the end that it was an alarm clock.
447
00:19:18,954 --> 00:19:22,291
Hey, Maria, I hear you're
a semi-famous stand-up comic.
448
00:19:22,374 --> 00:19:24,167
Why don't you tell us a joke?
449
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:27,295
Oh, no, no, no.
No, I don't think so. No.
450
00:19:27,379 --> 00:19:28,797
Don't be scared.
451
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,465
Comedy is lots of fun.
452
00:19:30,548 --> 00:19:33,634
Just have a unique take
on a universal truth.
453
00:19:33,718 --> 00:19:36,846
People love it. Even Donald.
And he's deaf.
454
00:19:37,764 --> 00:19:38,932
I'm deaf.
455
00:19:39,641 --> 00:19:43,311
[woman] Please tell us a joke. Please?
We want to hear what a real,
456
00:19:43,395 --> 00:19:45,772
- professional Hollywood joke sounds like.
- Okay.
457
00:19:45,855 --> 00:19:47,231
Please?
458
00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:48,399
Please.
459
00:19:48,483 --> 00:19:50,568
"Yeah, baby, yeah!" Come on, new girl.
460
00:19:50,652 --> 00:19:53,488
I've warmed up the crowd for you.
Austin Powers. Yeah!
461
00:19:53,571 --> 00:19:54,781
[all laughing]
462
00:19:54,864 --> 00:19:56,783
Okay, well, um...
463
00:19:56,866 --> 00:19:59,202
Uh... I was thinking about having kids.
464
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:00,828
Uh, got the names picked out.
465
00:20:00,912 --> 00:20:04,499
They're gonna be Donut
and the Golden Hen.
466
00:20:04,582 --> 00:20:05,750
I know what you're saying,
467
00:20:05,834 --> 00:20:08,420
"How do you know they're gonna be girls?"
468
00:20:08,503 --> 00:20:10,422
But a mother knows.
469
00:20:10,505 --> 00:20:12,674
A mother knows.
470
00:20:19,180 --> 00:20:20,431
Let's get back to work, huh?
471
00:20:20,515 --> 00:20:22,600
- Wanna get some lunch?
- No, I hate lunch.
472
00:20:22,684 --> 00:20:24,227
Said no one ever.
473
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:25,812
[all laughing]
474
00:20:27,856 --> 00:20:30,067
- [woman] Loved that.
- [indistinct chatter]
475
00:20:30,191 --> 00:20:31,651
I brought a...
476
00:20:32,777 --> 00:20:35,905
I brought a Lean Cuisine today.
477
00:20:35,989 --> 00:20:36,990
[chuckles nervously]
478
00:20:37,991 --> 00:20:39,659
[Danny] "I'm a wild and crazy guy!"
479
00:20:41,077 --> 00:20:43,580
Sorry, excuse me,
I'm looking for Maria Bamford.
480
00:20:43,663 --> 00:20:46,082
Is she back... Oh, good. Maria.
481
00:20:46,166 --> 00:20:48,001
Hi, it's Mom. How are you?
482
00:20:48,084 --> 00:20:51,337
Oh, that nose gag is very funny.
[chuckles] I like that.
483
00:20:51,421 --> 00:20:54,215
- Yeah, okay.
- Sweetie, I brought you your tampons.
484
00:20:54,299 --> 00:20:55,967
You forgot 'em.
485
00:20:56,051 --> 00:20:59,346
Oh, God, Mom.
You aren't supposed to be here at work.
486
00:20:59,429 --> 00:21:01,181
I'm trying to get people to like me.
487
00:21:01,264 --> 00:21:02,599
People don't think I'm funny.
488
00:21:02,682 --> 00:21:06,436
Don't look to other people
for approval, Maria.
489
00:21:06,519 --> 00:21:09,355
Don't do that. No. Get it from yourself.
490
00:21:09,439 --> 00:21:13,652
But that's literally what stand-up is.
It's looking for approval from strangers.
491
00:21:13,735 --> 00:21:15,362
- You're thinking too much.
- Okay.
492
00:21:15,445 --> 00:21:16,821
Just do the work.
493
00:21:17,822 --> 00:21:20,158
- Put these tampies in your bag.
- Okay.
494
00:21:20,241 --> 00:21:22,577
- All right, sweetie, have a good day.
- Thanks.
495
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:25,121
[Danny] "Excuse me,
can I 'ass' you a question?"
496
00:21:25,205 --> 00:21:27,666
- [all laughing]
- Ace Ventura!
497
00:21:27,749 --> 00:21:30,293
He looks like he's going dirty.
I have to...
498
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:31,586
Go for it. Go for it.
499
00:21:31,669 --> 00:21:32,962
Hey, you guys!
500
00:21:33,046 --> 00:21:36,007
[stutters]
I just ran into a tape dispenser.
501
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,845
[chuckles] Is that something
people can relate to?
502
00:21:39,928 --> 00:21:41,346
Goddamn it.
503
00:21:41,429 --> 00:21:42,931
[whispers] Goddamn it.
504
00:21:43,014 --> 00:21:45,016
[stutters] Never mind. As you were.
505
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:46,393
[typing]
506
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:48,978
Nothing to see here. [chuckles]
507
00:21:49,062 --> 00:21:51,773
[country music playing]
508
00:22:09,290 --> 00:22:10,291
Maria!
509
00:22:11,209 --> 00:22:13,670
- Hey, hey!
- Hey, hey, making copies.
510
00:22:13,753 --> 00:22:15,129
You still working?
511
00:22:15,213 --> 00:22:17,006
Oh, is the... is the day over?
512
00:22:17,090 --> 00:22:18,425
A bunch of us are headed over to Cozies.
513
00:22:18,508 --> 00:22:21,302
Open mic night tonight.
Rumor is I'm going to kill it.
514
00:22:21,386 --> 00:22:23,680
Half-price crappetizers. You wanna go?
515
00:22:23,763 --> 00:22:26,140
Well, you know,
I think I'm gonna stay here,
516
00:22:26,224 --> 00:22:29,769
keep doing this. The day went so fast.
517
00:22:29,853 --> 00:22:33,648
Data entry is almost like a meditation.
I stopped thinking.
518
00:22:33,731 --> 00:22:37,652
It's like you just type it and it...
and you put it in there.
519
00:22:39,070 --> 00:22:40,196
That's what she said.
520
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,283
- Oh, behave! [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
521
00:22:43,366 --> 00:22:44,909
- Okay.
- Lates.
522
00:22:44,993 --> 00:22:46,953
- Mmm. "Thriller."
- Oh.
523
00:22:47,036 --> 00:22:49,497
Yeah, that was like...
524
00:22:49,581 --> 00:22:50,999
That was like...
525
00:22:52,542 --> 00:22:57,172
Office and then...
Austin Powers and then...
526
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,383
Michael Jackson.
527
00:23:01,217 --> 00:23:02,343
It's cool.
528
00:23:04,429 --> 00:23:06,222
- [Larissa exclaiming]
- [Maria] Yeah.
529
00:23:06,306 --> 00:23:09,559
- How's it going with that Jack guy?
- Well, it is going great.
530
00:23:09,642 --> 00:23:10,643
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
531
00:23:10,727 --> 00:23:13,480
Are you still doing that
kooky rich lady voice
532
00:23:13,563 --> 00:23:15,398
to ignite his pelvic chakra?
533
00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:17,274
[in fancy voice] This one?
Why, of course.
534
00:23:17,358 --> 00:23:19,277
I knew your skin was looking better.
535
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:22,446
- [in normal voice] Yeah.
- Finally, Maria has intercourse.
536
00:23:22,530 --> 00:23:25,074
- [both] Aw!
- Everything but.
537
00:23:25,158 --> 00:23:26,493
What I've discovered is that
538
00:23:26,576 --> 00:23:29,412
it's not important to get my needs met,
and get it done.
539
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:33,749
It's about meeting the needs
of the other person who I am into.
540
00:23:34,584 --> 00:23:35,919
So you're blowing him?
541
00:23:36,002 --> 00:23:38,254
I'm not gonna tell you that. But, yes!
542
00:23:40,506 --> 00:23:41,841
Okay.
543
00:23:41,925 --> 00:23:43,343
All right. Hey, guys!
544
00:23:43,426 --> 00:23:45,136
- What up? What up, Maria?
- Keith, Kenny, what's going on?
545
00:23:45,220 --> 00:23:46,847
- Clickedy-clink.
- Clickedy-clink.
546
00:23:46,930 --> 00:23:49,516
[all] Clink, clink, clink, clink!
547
00:23:49,599 --> 00:23:52,852
Clink, clink, clink, clickedy-clink.
548
00:23:52,936 --> 00:23:54,646
[all] Clickedy-clink.
549
00:23:54,729 --> 00:23:56,022
[all] Clink!
550
00:23:56,105 --> 00:23:57,773
- [softly] Wow.
- What's up?
551
00:23:57,857 --> 00:23:59,609
I thought this was a comics brunch?
552
00:23:59,692 --> 00:24:01,569
- Nobody's Periscoping.
- No Periscoping.
553
00:24:01,653 --> 00:24:03,822
Oh, I know. I know. It's... We're old.
554
00:24:03,905 --> 00:24:06,074
You're the only millennials we know.
Sorry.
555
00:24:06,157 --> 00:24:07,283
- Mmm.
- Thanks for the invite.
556
00:24:07,367 --> 00:24:09,703
- Yeah.
- The donut holes were to die for.
557
00:24:09,786 --> 00:24:11,121
[both] It's our cheat day.
558
00:24:11,204 --> 00:24:12,956
Oh! You guys shouldn't be on a diet.
559
00:24:13,039 --> 00:24:14,123
- Clink.
- Clink, clink!
560
00:24:14,207 --> 00:24:16,928
- I love brunch. It's so fun!
- Hey!
561
00:24:17,012 --> 00:24:18,461
- Hey! Guess who's all over my funny
bone?
562
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:19,628
- What? Who?
- Kindler.
563
00:24:19,712 --> 00:24:20,838
- Oh.
- That guy's my cunt.
564
00:24:20,922 --> 00:24:22,465
We're going fishing this weekend.
565
00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:24,425
That is great! Oh! [chuckles]
566
00:24:24,550 --> 00:24:27,970
I think we need a little work
on the usage of the "C" word, but...
567
00:24:28,054 --> 00:24:29,503
But... I'm so glad
568
00:24:29,528 --> 00:24:31,183
you're fitting
in with my comedy friends.
569
00:24:31,243 --> 00:24:33,268
And... and Kindler.
570
00:24:33,351 --> 00:24:36,855
[in fancy voice] I think you've
earned yourself a first-class,
571
00:24:36,938 --> 00:24:40,650
deluxe economy ticket to the Twin Cities
572
00:24:40,733 --> 00:24:43,903
of Work-the-shaft-opolis-Saint Balls.
573
00:24:43,987 --> 00:24:45,405
Mmm!
574
00:24:49,117 --> 00:24:51,620
[in fancy voice] Rhonda thinks
she wasn't out of line
575
00:24:51,703 --> 00:24:53,121
when she didn't wanna make dinner
576
00:24:53,204 --> 00:24:56,791
for Randy and all of his bowling buddies
after the big tournament.
577
00:24:56,874 --> 00:25:00,711
Sounds like Randy bowled
a gutter ball when choosing a wife.
578
00:25:01,879 --> 00:25:05,966
Let's see how smart her mouth is
after three days without sunlight,
579
00:25:06,050 --> 00:25:12,181
when we lock up a broad!
580
00:25:12,265 --> 00:25:13,892
[audience applauding]
581
00:25:13,975 --> 00:25:16,853
[in normal voice] I can't do this.
I can't do this.
582
00:25:16,936 --> 00:25:18,396
This voice is exhausting.
583
00:25:18,479 --> 00:25:21,941
Hey. Hey, you guys, is this a metaphor?
584
00:25:25,445 --> 00:25:27,530
[sighs] Thought we could order in.
585
00:25:27,613 --> 00:25:29,990
Here, read the menu... as Diane.
586
00:25:30,074 --> 00:25:31,993
Oh! I can't do it. I can't do it.
587
00:25:32,076 --> 00:25:36,289
I've just been doing it all day.
I kinda... I'm a little drained, so...
588
00:25:36,372 --> 00:25:39,333
You're drained?
I went on a fishing trip with Kindler.
589
00:25:39,417 --> 00:25:40,919
I had to fake laugh for three days.
590
00:25:41,002 --> 00:25:43,046
I thought you thought he was funny.
591
00:25:43,129 --> 00:25:46,049
Listen, there's something
you need to know about me.
592
00:25:46,132 --> 00:25:47,967
I don't think anything is funny.
593
00:25:48,051 --> 00:25:49,010
I hate laughing.
594
00:25:49,093 --> 00:25:51,554
If there's a kid who can't add,
that's one thing.
595
00:25:51,637 --> 00:25:53,347
That's genuinely amusing.
596
00:25:53,431 --> 00:25:57,435
But the sound that comes out,
it upsets me. I hate it.
597
00:25:57,518 --> 00:26:01,022
[sighs] Why did you
go on the fishing trip?
598
00:26:01,105 --> 00:26:03,691
I was faking having a sense of humor...
599
00:26:03,775 --> 00:26:05,026
for you.
600
00:26:05,109 --> 00:26:06,986
And I've been doing this voice...
601
00:26:07,070 --> 00:26:08,154
for you.
602
00:26:08,237 --> 00:26:10,531
- [sighs]
- [sighs] Hmm.
603
00:26:10,615 --> 00:26:11,699
It's okay.
604
00:26:11,783 --> 00:26:13,702
We like each other, and so...
605
00:26:13,785 --> 00:26:17,580
let's just be ourselves
and see where that takes us.
606
00:26:18,873 --> 00:26:20,333
- Okay.
- Okay.
607
00:26:20,416 --> 00:26:23,252
- To being ourselves!
- Yeah!
608
00:26:23,336 --> 00:26:24,921
[Jack farting]
609
00:26:28,674 --> 00:26:30,801
[continues farting]
610
00:26:34,472 --> 00:26:36,182
[continues farting]
611
00:26:48,736 --> 00:26:49,779
[Jack] Mmm.
612
00:26:49,862 --> 00:26:51,155
[stops farting]
613
00:26:51,239 --> 00:26:52,574
[sighs]
614
00:26:54,158 --> 00:26:55,743
[laughing]
615
00:26:59,330 --> 00:27:02,375
- What's... what's so funny?
- [stutters]
616
00:27:02,458 --> 00:27:05,169
Come on, man,
you just farted for, like, 30 seconds.
617
00:27:05,253 --> 00:27:07,922
It's a normal bodily function.
I've been holding in for an hour.
618
00:27:08,005 --> 00:27:11,091
[sighs] I don't get it. I don't, get it.
619
00:27:11,968 --> 00:27:15,263
Okay, maybe this isn't
gonna work out, you know.
620
00:27:15,346 --> 00:27:17,306
Maybe we've run our course.
621
00:27:17,390 --> 00:27:20,018
All because I farted?
You said I could be myself.
622
00:27:20,101 --> 00:27:21,561
No...
623
00:27:22,854 --> 00:27:26,358
[in fancy voice] It's because
you didn't laugh after you passed gas.
624
00:27:26,441 --> 00:27:27,484
[sighs]
625
00:27:27,567 --> 00:27:29,903
[in normal voice] I've been
a people-pleaser my whole life.
626
00:27:29,986 --> 00:27:32,947
First with my family,
and then with my job, and...
627
00:27:33,030 --> 00:27:35,741
I don't wanna do that with you and...
628
00:27:35,825 --> 00:27:37,076
I think I deserve better.
629
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:41,414
You know, someone
who giggles at my fluff trumpets,
630
00:27:41,497 --> 00:27:44,709
and you deserve someone
who takes your fluff trumpets
631
00:27:44,792 --> 00:27:46,502
very seriously.
632
00:27:46,586 --> 00:27:49,214
- I understand.
- Hmm.
633
00:27:50,590 --> 00:27:52,926
Wanna orally pleasure
each other one last time?
634
00:27:53,009 --> 00:27:55,512
[in high-pitched voice] Sure!
Go down on me, Daddy.
635
00:27:55,595 --> 00:27:56,638
That's it. I'm done.
636
00:27:56,721 --> 00:27:58,139
- Yeah.
- [Jack sighs]
637
00:28:02,101 --> 00:28:04,353
- Goodbye, Diane.
- Hmm.
638
00:28:04,437 --> 00:28:05,521
Tell Kindler I died.
639
00:28:08,065 --> 00:28:09,191
[sighs]
640
00:28:12,236 --> 00:28:13,446
[sighs]
641
00:28:18,075 --> 00:28:19,285
[cell phone dialing]
642
00:28:19,368 --> 00:28:20,661
[line ringing]
643
00:28:20,745 --> 00:28:23,581
[voicemail] Hello, you've reachedJack Tripper at Wilkins and Marshall.
644
00:28:23,664 --> 00:28:25,249
A division of the Three Company.
645
00:28:25,333 --> 00:28:28,336
[in fancy voice] Hey, Jack. It's Diane.
[smacks lips]
646
00:28:28,419 --> 00:28:32,840
Now that we've parted, I just wanted
to leave you some parting words.
647
00:28:34,342 --> 00:28:36,261
Strawberry rhubarb.
648
00:28:37,178 --> 00:28:38,805
Potato gnocchi.
649
00:28:40,056 --> 00:28:42,141
Singapore.
650
00:28:42,225 --> 00:28:45,353
Salmon, poached.
651
00:28:45,436 --> 00:28:46,854
Candelabra.
652
00:28:48,314 --> 00:28:49,857
Gymnasium.
653
00:28:51,484 --> 00:28:52,777
France.
654
00:28:55,571 --> 00:28:56,989
Good night.
655
00:29:00,326 --> 00:29:02,036
[rock music playing]
656
00:29:12,547 --> 00:29:14,424
[man singing]
Well, she's a honey-haired beauty
657
00:29:14,507 --> 00:29:16,551
Tryin' to navigate life
658
00:29:19,220 --> 00:29:23,141
But she's too busy pleasing
And it causes her strife
659
00:29:26,310 --> 00:29:29,313
I can't help wonder
Will she ever, ever find
660
00:29:29,397 --> 00:29:32,567
Gotta listen to the voices
Inside of her mind
661
00:29:32,650 --> 00:29:35,695
'Cause she's a people-pleaser
662
00:29:35,778 --> 00:29:39,073
Before you pleasure someone else
You got to pleasure yourself
663
00:29:39,156 --> 00:29:41,950
I said, she's a people-pleaser
664
00:29:42,034 --> 00:29:45,412
Before you pleasure someone else
You got to pleasure yourself
665
00:29:45,496 --> 00:29:48,708
I said, she's a people-pleaser
666
00:29:48,791 --> 00:29:51,794
Before you pleasure someone else
You got to pleasure yourself
667
00:29:51,877 --> 00:29:55,172
I said, she's a people-pleaser
668
00:29:55,256 --> 00:30:01,679
Before you pleasure someone else
You must pleasure yourself
669
00:30:01,762 --> 00:30:03,305
Yeah, yeah, yeah
670
00:30:03,389 --> 00:30:05,141
Uh
671
00:30:05,224 --> 00:30:06,851
Yeah, yeah, yeah
672
00:30:06,934 --> 00:30:08,227
Uh
673
00:30:08,311 --> 00:30:09,437
Yeah, yeah, yeah
674
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:12,648
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
675
00:30:21,991 --> 00:30:23,993
[smooth jazz music playing]
676
00:30:24,130 --> 00:30:30,370
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
677
00:30:30,420 --> 00:30:34,970
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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