Original subtitles

[doorbell rings]

Oh, Gabriel! Hey!

Shane's old boyfriend, right?

Wow! Good to see you.

What a coincidence.

- That'll be $26.50. - Okay.

Oh, right. Well, I'm sure I'll see you around.

- I'll see you around. - Okay.

Okay, great.

[phone] Your driver is approaching.

Hey! It's you again.

Wanna... get in?

Uh, should I just get in the front, or...

- Hop in the back. - Okay, cool.

[dogs barking]

Blueberry and Bert. My two favorite people.

Oh. Oh, my God!

[stammers] And then we meet again.

[screams]

What are you doing here? This is insane!

What? A black man can't be in the pool?

Wanna call the mayor, have him drain it?

No. It's just that...

[Maria stammering]

We've been running into each other... Now you're here.

- You know... - I'm just kidding.

Oh. [laughing] Oh, my God.

Oh, I was...

I love humor. Uh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh...

- I was scared there, for a second. - Why?

'Cause I'm black?

No.

- I was kidding again. - Oh, my God.

You need to lighten up.

- That was good. - Like I wish I could...

- but I'm black. - Oh... [softly] I don't know.

Am I supposed to laugh at that?

Depends if you're racist or not.

Do you think I'm racist?

Is asking that racist?

There's no right answer. Things aren't black and white.

Or are they?

Oh... Oh, no.

[theme music playing]

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

[Maria] I'm a pterodactyl.

[Maria] Gabriel really got me thinking. Was I a racist?

I've secured my lady a part,

which meets all her prescribed requirements...

sans audition.

Requirements?

It's a sitcom. Easy hours. You'll be home every day by 4:00.

Stupid money. Plus, you said you wanted

more diversity in your life?

Well, get this...

it's a black show.

The leads are these two black comics

you can't tell one from the other.

- Bruce. - No! They're twins.

Oh, no, I...

I will like to have more diversity in my life.

I'm just worried about everything I do or say lately, racially.

Oh, are you a racist?

- No! Do I seem like a racist? - No, of course not.

- Do I? - No!

Let's see what Ask Jeeves has to say about it.

Uh, Chantrelle?

[Chantrelle] Yeah?

Ask Jeeves for groups in LA for people who hate being racist.

- I don't hate being racist. That's... - You should.

[Chantrelle] How about this?

"Are you nervous you're a full blown racist?"

Yes.

"Are your ethnic friends annoyed you ask too many questions about race?"

Yes!

"Bring questions about black people

and other minorities to LA P.U.R.E., People United for Racial Equality."

That's exactly what I need. A group to talk about racial issues.

I knew Chantrelle could handle your issues de coeur.

She does possess the name of a black lady.

- Chantrelle! - [Chantrelle] What?

Nothing, my sweet.

Bruce, this is great. Thank you.

And... I'll do the pilot. I need the money.

And America needs to see your face on its tiny tube screens.

- [chuckling] - And we're back!

[Bruce laughing]

So amazing to have such a diverse turnout for our LA P.U.R.E. meeting.

I'm sorry. I have a question.

Oh, names first. We always start with names first.

Okay, my name is Maria.

And... I'm white.

[all] Hi, Maria.

Okay. I don't have many friends who are black,

and I just wanna be more cognizant of racism and white privilege.

And I have this job next week, and it's a TV pilot with a diverse cast,

and I'm just really anxious.

I don't want to say or do anything wrong.

What's the show about?

It's about two African American brothers who are garbage people.

[all exclaiming]

Maria, we don't call them garbage people anymore.

No, no. That's... their job.

Wait... you called them garbage people?

Of course, I did. We all did.

Just by being white.

- Get it? - Uh...

- No. - No.

That's the right attitude. You don't get it.

That's the point of our group.

We believe that interfering, or even trying to relate,

is an implicit insult to people whose struggles

we couldn't possibly understand.

Right. Okay.

Look, I really use to wanna relate.

I practically wanted to be a black person.

But we can't burden them anymore with our issues.

- Keep it light. - [Maria] Okay.

You know, weather, sports...

"Is that a new car?"

- That type of stuff. - Okay.

- Remember, if you're white, keep it light.

Okay.

[Sheri] They've already been burdened with our shenanigans.

Especially our nation's ultimate shenanigan...

slavery.

[Maria] Yeah.

[Maria] That seemed like solid advice.

Groups have helped me a lot in the past.

[Maria] I have great news.

My agent, Karen Grisham, got me a job!

A commercial for a huge superstore.

It's not about the money.

It's what it represents.

Which is a huge amount of money.

I should be able to pay off my debt in four months.

Yay!

[sighing]

But it probably won't work out.

I mean... nothing ever does.

They'll look at me, and be like, "You're fired."

You know, super-agent

Karen Grisham, she'll let me go as a client. [chuckling]

I don't even have a character

for the commercial yet.

And I probably won't be able to think of one in time.

You know what? It'll never last. [chuckles]

Time! All right.

I don't wanna cross talk here, but that's great, Maria.

- [shrieks quietly] - Okay, who wants to share next?

I know this is wrong, but when I'm in a store,

there are things that I see that I have to buy.

It's like there's electricity going through my body,

and every molecule is vibrating.

It feels so good!

[Maria] And there it was. Inspiration for my character.

Oh, I love just running up and down the aisles,

looking at all the new stuff.

And at the ends of the aisles...

that's where they put the hot goods! [laughs]

[Maria] Like Elvis was King of Rock and Roll,

I would be the Queen of Checklist.

Oh, the euphoria like never before! Oh!

[gasping] All the shopping. I can't get enough!

I'm plugged into bargain power.

[laughing]

All my shopping molecules are vibrating!

- [laughing manically] - [bell ringing]

[screaming]

End caps. This is where they keep the good stuff.

[gasps and screams]

[screaming] Jewelry!

[laughing] Oh, no.

[crying]

[screaming] There are so many bargains!

Hot goods. Euphoria! [screaming]

[laughing]

[screaming]

- [cat meowing] - [woman] Cut!

Bruce, what'd you think?

Well, we gave it a great shot.

As your manager, I will manage Karen's disappointment.

How shall I fall upon my sword, my queen?

You don't think it went well?

Great angle. That's exactly the way we're gonna play it.

So, here's the plan. I'm gonna say, "Hello. How are you?"

Handshake. Handshake.

"Did you see the recent sports game?"

A mention of an article in The New Yorker

on artisanal meats. That's it.

Bruce, get your thumb out of your ass!

The New Yorker, artisanal, sports, meat.

- Let's talk Checklist. - Yes.

First of all, let me say an old-fashioned apology.

And let's not say goodbye.

Let's say, as the French do, please don't drop us as a client.

What's this fuck-brain saying?

Bruce is concerned that it didn't go well.

Are you out of your fucking mind? Checklist loved what you did.

Their pants are full of their own reproductive fluid,

and they love that feeling.

They're willing to pay 150K for the first campaign.

You are the one filling their pants.

Their full pants, our full pockets.

You know what I would like for you to do right now?

What is that, Karen?

Cradle the balls and work the shaft

Cradle the balls and work...

The shaft Sing it with me.

[both sing] Cradle the balls and work the shaft

Cradle the balls and work the shaft

Cradle the balls and work the shaft

[all] Cradle the balls And work the shaft

Cradle the balls and work the shaft!

Cradle the balls and work the shaft

This is gonna be fucking amazing for you, Maria.

[both] Cradle the balls And work the shaft

Oh, God. The thing is...

I just wanna be a good person and...

I wanna make people happy, you know?

[Karen] Yeah, absolutely. You know what?

You're gonna be so fucking rich,

even if anybody thinks you're a bad person, you can tell them to fuck off.

[all laughing]

Cradle the balls...

Get the fuck out of here. I got a meeting.

[Maria] Oh, okay. [Maria] I was on top of the world.

My career was a rocketship to the moon.

And I was being a good person. I had it all.

You know her as the crazy shopper

who gets people to buy merchandise made for pennies by forced child labor.

[all laughing]

Put your hands together for the sellout, Maria Bamford.

[audience applauding]

Oh, my gosh.

- Uh... yeah. - [feedback]

I have done a series of commercials, and, uh...

[blowing]

[laughter]

I am a radical, militant...

Green Party socialist and a hypocrite, it turns out.

Oh, boy...

I will be taking that money

and redecorating my house in shades of gray.

- [all laughing] - I don't feel good about myself.

[Maria] Yes, I was a sellout, and I would never let that happen again.

[audience cheering]

Hi, Kenny. Hi, Keith.

Oh, hey, Mrs. White.

If you're free tomorrow, you should come to the Comedy Store.

That's where me and Kenny are doing stand-up.

Yeah, as if we don't do enough standing up... all day long.

- [laughs] Aren't they funny? - [chuckles nervously]

Hey, have you seen my baby's favorite blanky?

My "assistant" threw it away by accident.

[in Russian accent] I'm from Russia. I don't speak English.

Know what I like to say? The reason they call it Russia

is everyone's rushin' to get out of there.

You know where I'd like to be rushin'?

Across the street to Gabrielle Union's pool house.

- She's fine. - She fine.

- [audience laughing] - [sighs]

All right, boys.

If you do see that blanky, please tell my assistant.

You might have to tell her a few times,

'cause she's dumb as a bowl of borscht.

[Keith] You got it, Mrs. White.

Off to the Browns.

[Mrs. White] Bye, boys.

[in Russian accent] I'm from Russia. I don't speak English.

- [bell ringing] - [man] Cut!

[laughing] That was fucking awesome!

Absolutely amazing, you guys. You're geniuses.

Maria, amazing!

[Maria] It felt great to get laughs,

but I wondered if this show was racially insensitive.

This time, I wouldn't roll over, like I did with Checklist.

- Hey. - [gasping] Oh!

Oh!

[crunching] Hi, Maria.

- I'm just eating carrots. - Oh, hey, Jennipher Nickles.

No, I'm fine.

Listen, I was wondering...

does this show make you uncomfortable?

I mean, the two lead minority characters are playing garbage people,

and all the producers are white.

I've been out of the swing of things,

but it seems a little demeaning.

Is that weird? I mean, are we sellouts?

Jesus! Is this a fucking racist show?

My brand can't handle another fuck-up.

Let's just ask Kenny and Keith. They'll know.

Right? If it is, they'll be the ones to know.

No. We can't bother them with our problems.

It's like, we... just keep it light.

- Light? - Yeah.

- White, keep it light. - Hey, Kenny, Keith.

Hey, what's up.

How are the kids? Thank you so much for letting me be a part of this show.

Did you have a new car?

- What? - Uh, I... I don't know.

[stammering]

[in accent] Me no speak English.

[Maria chuckling]

Method actor. Party of one.

[chuckling]

- All right, we will... see you later? - Oh, yes.

- [chuckling] Hi. I mean, bye. - [Maria] Still look nice.

God, they're great guys. They're so great.

They are great.

Somebody's got to stand up and say something.

I mean, this is not right.

Children have to see a positive representation of race.

- I'm gonna go talk to the head heeb. - [gasps]

[grunting] Making a difference.

[Maria] I wasn't as far down my recovery path

as I thought, but my family was there for me.

It even inspired my dad to develop a hobby,

where he was able to take a young local teen under his wing.

Jeremy, no matter what happens with this apprenticeship,

it's been an honor cobbling next to you.

Suck a dick, monkey-fucker.

Hey, buddy. Can we talk for a second?

Can you talk with my dick in your mouth?

- Ooh... - [knocking on door]

[Marilyn] Hi. Hi.

Oh.

Well, I sure feel like a heel... stopping by the cobble shop unannounced.

Get it?

Marilyn what are you doing here? I'm getting through to this tough nut.

[Marilyn] I wanted to see what was so important

that you'd leave your daughter sitting in a pool of her own drool for.

You know, Maria Bamford, your one and only loin-fruit?

- Marilyn, this is not a good time. - Oh...

So, this is the famous Jeremy. Hi.

I'm Marilyn Bamford, Joel's wife and good friend. It's a pleasure.

I thought you were strictly-dickly on Grindr.

It's a gay app. Uh, listen, pally,

you better hope that bullpucky of yours comes in a six-pack,

'cause you're gonna have to can it.

Eat a bowl of dog shit.

Whoa!

[man] Jeremy, we gotta get going.

Is that your father?

Would you tell him Marilyn Bamford would like a word with him?

Me, too. Joel Bamford.

Uh, Dad.

Some geezer faggot and his dyke beard wanna talk to you.

Whoa! No feet.

[gasps] Double no feet.

We have feet, you cocklicker. They don't work.

I'm Marilyn Bamford, and this is Joel Bamford,

- my husband and good friend. - Fag.

And your son, here, has a sailor mouth that belongs on the poop deck.

[crying] Nothing sadder than a cobbler making shoes for no feet.

What's going on? Jeremy, we're late for your DUI class.

I get it, Jeremy.

I get your rage now.

I should have asked about your home life.

I'm withdrawing from the apprenticeship. You can have it.

I'd no idea what you'd been through.

What he's been through?

What the fuck's he been through?

I?m sorry, what you've been through with your feet, or useful lack thereof.

You feel sorry for us?

We feel sorry for you

with the crazy fuck-nut at home.

You take that back!

That what you said when your cuckoo-retard-daughter

squirted out your wife's smelly rot box?

- [screams] Whoa! - Whoa!

She is not a cuckoo-retard.

Even if she was, that would be fine.

She has a mental illness. Bipolar II,

defined as long-term depression with agitated hypomania.

- But it does not define her. - No, it does not define her.

- Oh, suck a dick. Jeez! - No, you suck a dick, young man.

My dick.

My giant, grown-up, I-served-in-the-navy dick.

Poop talk begins at home.

Come on, let's get out of here.

This crap sandwich doesn't deserve our attention.

And there's a little girl at home that needs me.

[Joel] Hey, jelly bean.

I think I owe you an apology.

I threw myself into Jeremy's life,

so I'd have an excuse for not dealing with yours.

And in the process...

I lost track of what I had always loved about cobbling.

Which is everything.

I'm so sorry.

Turns out, your father is a big, giant sellout.

No.

Aw, that's sweet of you to say.

But I just want you to know that I love you...

and I'm always here for you.

So, what do you say we go get a piece of pie, cake, or...

Dairy Queen or somethin'?

[sniffles]

[whispering] Peanut Buster Parfait.

Dairy Queen, it is.

Come on, little lady, let's get you dressed.

[sighing and muttering]

[Maria] My dad showed me it was possible to make up for selling out,

so I was proud to have abolished offensive stereotypes on my new show.

Hey, guys.

Got anything you wanna unload into our receptacles?

[audience] Ooh.

Doesn't matter what size it is.

We've got plenty of room in our dumpers.

[audience laughing]

And if it doesn't fit...

we'll just take it in the alley

[all laughing]

Liquids are fine.

Feel free to spray your stuff all over our brand new cans.

- [audience laughing] - [bell ringing]

[laughing] Oh, that was so great, you guys. That was so damn funny.

We're gonna take a break.

We got standards issues to go over,

but I love the trash tits. [laughs]

- That felt good. - Yeah.

- What did you feel? - It felt really good.

[audience cheering]

Hey, is everybody excited to see some White Trash?

[cheering continues]

So, are you guys excited?

Not really. We're thinking about quitting.

What? I thought the run-through went so well today.

- We felt totally minimized. - We lost all our lines.

This was a show about how we started stand-up.

- But you were so funny. - [Kenny] Doing what?

- Wearing a suit? - That's not funny.

Aren't you happy about representing your race in a powerful way?

No, we don't wanna represent anything. We're comedians.

- We just wanna be funny. - Yeah, we love laughter.

Oh...

I did a bad, bad thing.

- You did this? - Yeah.

I... I put a birdie in somebody's writing ear,

- and I... oh... - [sighing]

To sabotage us. You wanna be the star.

You sold us out.

I was trying to un-sell you out, that's the thing.

Hey. Fuckin' check it, dudes.

NBC was at the run-through,

they got a major chub over the show's new direction.

We got 13 episodes. We're going straight to series!

- Dope. That's great. - Awesome. That's fantastic.

I can't do it.

I can't look sexy as hell on the back of a trash truck if it means

selling out people I respect.

Yes, of course I want a pony!

But that pony's cuteness wouldn't override the ugliness I feel inside.

I thought I was righting an injustice.

But, in fact, I was making an injustice even worse.

The fuck is she talking about?

Listen, they should be garbage people. Not me and Jennipher Nickles.

Right, Jennipher?

You know I never have to work again, right?

I was on a hit sitcom for 11 years.

I was the voice of Kitten the Car.

That is NBC-you-later money.

I am only here for the craft services...

and the camaraderie.

[laughing]

Josh...

we quit!

And everyone, there's something that's a lot more important than money.

- [yells] It's justice! - Whoo-hoo!

We did it! We did it!

- Whoo! - We didn't sell out!

- [all laughing] - Wait.

- [Maria] Oh. What? - [man] Cut!

Is that how we're gonna end the show?

Yeah, and then I was gonna ride off

[sing-song] triumphantly... [normal] off the back of a garbage truck.

- But you didn't solve anything. - Yeah, I thought we... did.

We said a lot of important things about race.

Like what?

Well... like...

You know, just a...

Uh...

Little help...

Academy Award-winning screenwriter John Ridley?

Oh, I wish I could help you on this one, but you're on your own.

Okay, but you see what I'm trying to do here.

You know, trying to say something about race.

I... I wanna do the right thing.

I don't think what you're doing is malicious, it's just recklessly ignorant.

Really? Okay, all right.

But that... that's a place to start.

- Enough! - Oh, God!

[in British accent] I do not need this meta-bollocks rubbish.

I am a two-time BAFTA award winner.

I know the Queen, and I know the Queen's corgis.

Let me tell you, Miss Maria.

They are both lesser bitches than you.

You think this is material?

I have been Medea...

Lady Macbeth...

[Maria] Why is Mira Sorvino speaking in a British accent?

"All the perfumes of Arabia..."

She didn't wanna play herself. Who is she playing?

...job is because Benedict Cumberbatch told me...

[Maria] I love Mira Sorvino so much.

I wonder if we'll end up being friends.

...so all you cunts can get stuffed!

- [Maria] Probably not. - She's a good actress.

- Yeah. - [Keith] Great actress.

[Maria] She really is.

I should go do that garbage truck scene.

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe this episode was

about race. They introduced me, then I just disappeared.

Well, it was written by a bunch of white people

who I think were good-intentioned.

I don't know.

They got a problem with the Jews.

It's a daunting task for anybody

to try to tackle an examination of race relations in America.

I barely scratched the surface in 12 Years a Slave,

an entire movie.

The key thing about race is...

- is that we... - Later, gators!

Oh, boy.

Did... did I interrupt? What were you saying?

- I've lost my thought. - [Maria] Ah...

I am so sorry, John Ridley.

This show could have been about something, and I blew it.

- I'm a horrible person. - No.

You know what? Maria, you're fine. You tried and that's something.

Thank you. That is something!

- It's not that much. - And that's enough for me!

[laughing]

Hey, gang, we did it!

We told a story about very sensitive racial issues in America!

And we hit it out of the park!

Highland Park!

Hope you enjoyed the lesson! Go out and spread it!

I love you! You're welcome!

Mira Sorvino! Hi.

I am so thankful that you could be on the show.

Thanks, Maria. It was really fun, I loved it.

Oh... I just had a quick acting question.

How many layers were you playing during that part?

So there is Millicent Pratt, the British actress,

playing American actress, Jennipher Nickles,

playing herself playing Mrs. White

on the sitcom, White Trash.

Wow, that is deep. All right.

And now, another layer, Mira Sorvino, the real one.

Well... who's to say what is real, Maria?

Yeah. Yeah! [laughing]

- [engine starts] - [gasping]

[choir singing] I don't know what I'm doing

More than half of the time

Bye, Mira Sorvino!

[upbeat music playing]

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0