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1
00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:07,424
(theme music playing)
2
00:00:11,808 --> 00:00:15,959
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
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I'm a pterodactyl.
4
00:00:21,613 --> 00:00:24,454
Maria, now that you're never
doing stand-up anymore,
5
00:00:24,464 --> 00:00:27,342
I have some wonderful opportunities
for you from overseas.
6
00:00:27,425 --> 00:00:30,637
I said I didn't wanna use
stand-up as a device in the show.
7
00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,514
I'm still gonna do it in my life.
8
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- Yes, I understand completely.
- Yeah, okay, good.
9
00:00:34,099 --> 00:00:35,267
- We're on the same page.
- Great. Good.
10
00:00:35,350 --> 00:00:37,644
You want to do stand-up,
no more commercials.
11
00:00:37,727 --> 00:00:39,312
No, that's not what I'm saying.
12
00:00:39,396 --> 00:00:42,048
So, then you'd be open to
looking at some commercials?
13
00:00:42,058 --> 00:00:43,566
- Sure.
- Wonderful.
14
00:00:43,650 --> 00:00:45,759
This is their current campaign.
15
00:00:45,769 --> 00:00:47,737
Now, just imagine yourself in this.
16
00:00:48,488 --> 00:00:50,676
Input one or two, Chantrelle?
17
00:00:50,907 --> 00:00:53,055
Input two!
18
00:00:54,285 --> 00:00:55,995
(dramatic music playing)
19
00:00:57,163 --> 00:00:59,152
- (yelling)
- (screaming)
20
00:01:00,875 --> 00:01:02,530
(meowing)
21
00:01:04,212 --> 00:01:05,630
(lasers firing)
22
00:01:06,548 --> 00:01:08,758
- (sneezing)
- Spices...
23
00:01:08,842 --> 00:01:10,001
(farting)
24
00:01:10,011 --> 00:01:11,803
Flavors...
25
00:01:12,429 --> 00:01:14,097
Self a-steam!
26
00:01:15,181 --> 00:01:18,685
(speaking Japanese)
27
00:01:18,768 --> 00:01:21,521
Huh? More for me!
28
00:01:22,522 --> 00:01:24,441
Pussy Noodle with the self a-steam.
29
00:01:24,524 --> 00:01:25,608
(yelling)
30
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Pussy Noodle!
31
00:01:28,582 --> 00:01:32,157
So, they want you to be the face of
the new campaign. They assured me,
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00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,491
many, many times,
33
00:01:33,575 --> 00:01:36,418
- it's going to be much more violent.
- It's a definite no.
34
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Too close to your act?
35
00:01:38,538 --> 00:01:41,332
It is not in any way related to my act.
36
00:01:41,416 --> 00:01:43,710
- You're saying that's a pass?
- Yes!
37
00:01:43,835 --> 00:01:45,127
(laughs)
38
00:01:45,503 --> 00:01:49,048
I'll make note to myself,
"As per Maria, too close to act."
39
00:01:49,132 --> 00:01:52,469
You know what? I gotta go.
I've gotta get out of a date.
40
00:01:52,552 --> 00:01:55,138
You're good at that.
Nobody says no like you.
41
00:01:55,221 --> 00:01:57,682
Look, Bruce meant well... I think.
42
00:01:57,766 --> 00:01:58,908
But I've learnt to be cautious.
43
00:01:58,918 --> 00:02:02,353
His past career choices for me
haven't always been so great.
44
00:02:02,363 --> 00:02:05,857
Like the time he insisted
I could improvise on a network sitcom.
45
00:02:05,867 --> 00:02:09,611
Baby on Board is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
46
00:02:09,621 --> 00:02:12,363
Here's your coffee, Mr. Sir,
47
00:02:12,373 --> 00:02:16,075
Mr. Sir, Mr. Sir,
48
00:02:16,951 --> 00:02:19,204
And for the tiniest Mr. Sir,
49
00:02:19,287 --> 00:02:20,497
your formula...
50
00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:21,998
for success!
51
00:02:23,124 --> 00:02:25,710
(baby in gruff voice) Formula?
I want fresh milk!
52
00:02:25,794 --> 00:02:27,796
But I hope you got a cow in the back,
53
00:02:27,879 --> 00:02:30,757
'cause you're getting nothin'
out of those two dustbags.
54
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,509
Come on, fellas, am I right?
55
00:02:32,592 --> 00:02:34,093
(all laughing)
56
00:02:36,387 --> 00:02:39,724
Just because you're a baby
doesn't make that okay.
57
00:02:39,808 --> 00:02:41,017
(audience) Ooh!
58
00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:43,760
You're just an adorable
representation of misogyny.
59
00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:47,148
Let's lock you in a room for 12
hours with no food and you'd be
60
00:02:47,232 --> 00:02:49,984
begging for these
slammin' mammary jammers.
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00:02:50,068 --> 00:02:51,903
(audience laughing)
62
00:02:58,131 --> 00:02:59,505
And what about you?
63
00:02:59,515 --> 00:03:02,300
You okay with this?
Hiding your sexist agenda
64
00:03:02,310 --> 00:03:05,005
behind these cute, chubby cheeks?
65
00:03:05,015 --> 00:03:06,543
I got no problem with this baby.
66
00:03:06,626 --> 00:03:08,503
He's caught in the system, and that,
67
00:03:08,586 --> 00:03:10,129
my tiny little friend...
68
00:03:10,213 --> 00:03:11,839
is the banality of evil!
69
00:03:11,923 --> 00:03:14,300
Hannah Arendt, look it up!
70
00:03:15,635 --> 00:03:16,970
(crying)
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00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:19,097
- That's a cut. Moving on.
- (bell rings)
72
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:22,016
Get the guns and weapons
ready for the sock hop scene.
73
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:24,561
One take. (squeals softly)
74
00:03:24,644 --> 00:03:27,897
That's so great. Yes, yeah, yes!
75
00:03:27,981 --> 00:03:30,275
- Ah, wow. (laughing)
- Oh, my gosh.
76
00:03:30,358 --> 00:03:32,235
It was dynamite. How'd you feel?
77
00:03:32,318 --> 00:03:37,282
I felt great. And you were
right about ad-libbing.
78
00:03:37,365 --> 00:03:41,661
It's like I can be in a dumb, sexist show,
but Trojan-horse it, you know?
79
00:03:41,744 --> 00:03:42,996
Criticize from within.
80
00:03:43,079 --> 00:03:45,498
That's it. You spoke the truth to power.
81
00:03:45,582 --> 00:03:47,709
- Yeah!
- And power fired you.
82
00:03:48,626 --> 00:03:51,546
What? They fired me? Why?
83
00:03:51,629 --> 00:03:52,964
To quote them exactly,
84
00:03:53,047 --> 00:03:55,508
they said they hate
everything about you.
85
00:03:55,592 --> 00:03:58,473
They hate your humor
and your physicality,
86
00:03:58,483 --> 00:04:01,095
and your stupid fucking face.
87
00:04:01,105 --> 00:04:06,102
Oh. Okay. So, I'm fired. I can go home?
88
00:04:06,185 --> 00:04:08,479
No. I wouldn't let 'em
get away with that.
89
00:04:08,489 --> 00:04:11,867
I said you're gonna stay and
finish out the day. (chuckles)
90
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,903
Oh, cool. (laughing nervously)
91
00:04:14,986 --> 00:04:16,112
Yeah.
92
00:04:17,989 --> 00:04:19,157
Okay.
93
00:04:20,450 --> 00:04:21,951
- Maria!
- Karen! Hi.
94
00:04:22,035 --> 00:04:23,620
I heard you got Baby on Board.
95
00:04:23,703 --> 00:04:26,205
I rep Camden, the little fucking baby.
He's a real piece of shit.
96
00:04:26,289 --> 00:04:29,375
- How's it goin'?
- I just got fired. Bruce worked it
97
00:04:29,459 --> 00:04:32,128
so that I can stay and finish my scenes.
98
00:04:32,211 --> 00:04:35,006
(yells) What? That gimpy thundercunt.
99
00:04:35,089 --> 00:04:38,212
Making you work after
you got shitcocked? God!
100
00:04:38,222 --> 00:04:39,594
- (thudding)
- (groans)
101
00:04:39,677 --> 00:04:40,845
Oh, Jesus Christ!
102
00:04:40,929 --> 00:04:42,819
Here's 100 bucks. This never happened.
103
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:46,059
I get so upset when people
I love get taken advantage of.
104
00:04:46,142 --> 00:04:48,770
I'd say Bruce fucked you
if he wasn't so dickless.
105
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:51,856
I wish I was your representative,
not your best friend.
106
00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:54,599
I just have so many goddamn clients.
107
00:04:54,609 --> 00:04:58,363
You know what? Fuck it.
I'm gonna make room for you.
108
00:04:58,446 --> 00:05:00,323
I'm gonna sign the shit out of you.
109
00:05:00,406 --> 00:05:03,034
- (gasping)
- I'm gonna get you on board, baby.
110
00:05:03,117 --> 00:05:04,535
(laughs) See what I did there?
111
00:05:04,619 --> 00:05:06,915
- I just spun it.
- Really? I'd love
112
00:05:06,925 --> 00:05:09,332
- for you to represent me.
- That's great news! Know what?
113
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:11,751
Helen Hunt's a survivor.
She'll land on her feet.
114
00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:13,628
- You represent her?
- Not anymore.
115
00:05:13,711 --> 00:05:15,588
(sighing and laughing)
116
00:05:15,598 --> 00:05:17,382
Welcome. Come on, I'm a hugger.
117
00:05:17,465 --> 00:05:19,258
- (Karen laughing)
- (Maria sobbing)
118
00:05:19,342 --> 00:05:21,177
I'll end up regretting that decision,
119
00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:24,764
which is how I learned to say no
and is why I have to cancel my date.
120
00:05:24,847 --> 00:05:28,101
Because as much fun as it sounds
to date a bisexual meth head,
121
00:05:28,184 --> 00:05:29,811
I just wasn't ready for it.
122
00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:32,772
I have so much things to go
over with you, assistant-wise.
123
00:05:32,855 --> 00:05:33,940
Actually, I have something
124
00:05:34,023 --> 00:05:35,412
- I need...
- Quick confirm.
125
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:36,943
Shane wants to meet at 7:30.
126
00:05:37,026 --> 00:05:38,653
That's what we need to talk about.
127
00:05:38,736 --> 00:05:41,906
Oh, and FYI, I'm trying
out a new nickname.
128
00:05:41,989 --> 00:05:43,825
I did some numerology work for myself.
129
00:05:43,835 --> 00:05:46,828
And it turns out La-La is a
better number name for me.
130
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,538
- Larissa, listen...
- It's La-La.
131
00:05:48,621 --> 00:05:50,248
Okay, La-La, listen.
132
00:05:50,331 --> 00:05:53,000
I don't want to go out with Shane
133
00:05:53,084 --> 00:05:55,461
and I need you to cancel the date.
134
00:05:55,545 --> 00:05:56,879
I just got back in town
135
00:05:56,963 --> 00:06:00,633
and I'm trying to be more selective
about the choices I'm making
136
00:06:00,717 --> 00:06:02,510
and you say he's a meth addict.
137
00:06:02,593 --> 00:06:06,597
Former meth addict. I think
they prefer the term "tweaker."
138
00:06:06,681 --> 00:06:09,308
- And he's bisexual.
- The total package.
139
00:06:09,392 --> 00:06:13,187
That's totally cool he's
bisexual. No judgment.
140
00:06:13,271 --> 00:06:15,857
It's just... it may be a
little too complicated.
141
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,484
Too much for me right now.
I can't do it.
142
00:06:18,568 --> 00:06:21,279
I was just trying to help
out my friend Shane,
143
00:06:21,362 --> 00:06:23,448
the brother of my Reiki teacher Lilith,
144
00:06:23,531 --> 00:06:25,658
who happens to be going
through a super shitty time.
145
00:06:25,742 --> 00:06:28,995
But what do I know?
I mean, who am I to assist anyone?
146
00:06:29,078 --> 00:06:30,496
And also I know you don't
like my new nickname.
147
00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:32,206
I La-La love it.
148
00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:34,667
Oh, my God, that was so
forced. It's pathetic.
149
00:06:34,792 --> 00:06:37,972
You know what? Today just might
end with me having a peanut.
150
00:06:37,982 --> 00:06:40,002
No. You'll go into anaphylactic shock.
151
00:06:40,012 --> 00:06:42,091
Isn't that what everyone wants?
152
00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:43,801
- No!
- For me to stop breathing?
153
00:06:43,885 --> 00:06:45,812
- Yes!
- I'll go out with him.
154
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,961
Okay, great.
155
00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:48,765
7:30, Switch Hitters.
156
00:06:48,848 --> 00:06:50,850
- Switch Hitters?
- Yes, Maria.
157
00:06:50,933 --> 00:06:52,613
Get ready to swallow...
158
00:06:52,968 --> 00:06:55,104
(chuckles) delicious food!
159
00:06:55,188 --> 00:06:56,974
- (all laughing)
- (groans)
160
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:59,442
It looks like I crumbled there.
161
00:06:59,525 --> 00:07:02,570
But that's not what happened.
I just don't like conflict.
162
00:07:02,653 --> 00:07:04,989
It's only one date. How bad could it be?
163
00:07:05,072 --> 00:07:08,451
A handshake, a smile, and
it's over. Just like high school.
164
00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:09,786
Shane. Hi.
165
00:07:10,828 --> 00:07:13,150
Oh. Okay. Sorry.
166
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,583
- Maria. Hi. I'm Shane.
- Oh, my gosh. Wow.
167
00:07:15,593 --> 00:07:16,834
Nice to meet you.
168
00:07:16,959 --> 00:07:20,416
(chuckling nervously) Wow.
169
00:07:20,426 --> 00:07:21,631
I know what you were thinking.
170
00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:24,691
Asking you to go to a place
like Switch Hitters...
171
00:07:24,842 --> 00:07:26,459
"I don't wanna date a
crazy baseball guy."
172
00:07:26,469 --> 00:07:28,082
(both laughing)
173
00:07:28,805 --> 00:07:32,058
So, Larissa says that you
think you're really funny
174
00:07:32,141 --> 00:07:33,893
and you have a lot of mental illness.
175
00:07:34,811 --> 00:07:36,187
That's how she described me?
176
00:07:36,270 --> 00:07:37,438
- Yeah.
- Wow.
177
00:07:37,522 --> 00:07:40,358
You must feel pressure
to be funny all the time.
178
00:07:40,368 --> 00:07:41,442
Not really.
179
00:07:41,526 --> 00:07:44,237
Yeah. Comedians don't
always have to be on,
180
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,614
but you also wanna give
more than Rob Reiner.
181
00:07:46,697 --> 00:07:48,307
Not to trash an ex.
182
00:07:48,616 --> 00:07:50,535
Rob Reiner is an ex?
183
00:07:50,618 --> 00:07:52,411
Ex-client. I used to be a trainer.
184
00:07:52,495 --> 00:07:54,789
- Oh, okay.
- He never wiped down a machine.
185
00:07:54,872 --> 00:07:56,715
(both laughing)
186
00:07:56,999 --> 00:08:00,128
I don't know if Larissa told you
I've been through a tough time.
187
00:08:00,211 --> 00:08:01,504
- Yeah.
- I can't remember
188
00:08:01,587 --> 00:08:03,089
the last time I was
straight in a restaurant.
189
00:08:03,172 --> 00:08:06,551
Yeah, I was gonna ask you about
that. How does that work?
190
00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,989
Well, mostly I take it in my mouth.
191
00:08:10,012 --> 00:08:14,225
Sometimes, I get in the shower,
get all hot and sit on it.
192
00:08:14,235 --> 00:08:15,955
In a pinch, I snort it.
193
00:08:16,727 --> 00:08:18,437
Oh. Oh!
194
00:08:19,096 --> 00:08:22,233
I thought Larissa told you
I had a drug problem...
195
00:08:22,243 --> 00:08:23,818
Yes. Yes.
196
00:08:23,901 --> 00:08:26,170
Which led to some reckless behavior.
197
00:08:26,445 --> 00:08:28,202
- Specifically with men.
- Yeah.
198
00:08:28,212 --> 00:08:30,867
No need to explain. I totally get it.
199
00:08:30,950 --> 00:08:33,864
I did a lot I'm not proud
of because of meth.
200
00:08:34,210 --> 00:08:36,914
But that's the past.
That's not who I am.
201
00:08:37,582 --> 00:08:39,417
If it bothers you, I totally understand.
202
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:43,754
Well... I've been in a psych ward
three times in the past year.
203
00:08:43,838 --> 00:08:45,756
And that does not define me.
204
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,759
That's what I hate, when people
think that's all you are.
205
00:08:48,843 --> 00:08:50,678
- Yeah.
- Addiction is an illness.
206
00:08:50,761 --> 00:08:52,320
I am not my illness.
207
00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:54,051
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
208
00:08:55,141 --> 00:08:56,726
(chuckles)
209
00:08:56,809 --> 00:08:58,311
You know what? It's so funny.
210
00:08:58,394 --> 00:09:02,064
I was gonna cancel this date
but I am... so glad I didn't.
211
00:09:02,148 --> 00:09:03,858
I'm so glad you didn't, too.
212
00:09:03,941 --> 00:09:05,484
(both laughing)
213
00:09:09,697 --> 00:09:11,916
Here was a great guy that
I almost missed out on,
214
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,746
because of a gut decision.
215
00:09:13,756 --> 00:09:15,328
Maybe my gut is still off.
216
00:09:15,411 --> 00:09:18,789
I went to look for the one person
I should be trusting more.
217
00:09:18,873 --> 00:09:21,136
A guy I pay to know what's right for me.
218
00:09:21,146 --> 00:09:22,274
Bruce!
219
00:09:22,856 --> 00:09:24,040
Hey!
220
00:09:24,462 --> 00:09:25,630
Bruce?
221
00:09:31,761 --> 00:09:33,179
Bruce!
222
00:09:36,224 --> 00:09:37,516
(Bruce groans)
223
00:09:43,118 --> 00:09:44,894
Bruce!
224
00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:47,693
Bruce! (stammers)
225
00:09:47,777 --> 00:09:48,885
Why are you running?
226
00:09:48,895 --> 00:09:52,406
(panting) Maria... I'm so glad it's
you. I thought it was security.
227
00:09:52,490 --> 00:09:56,202
I've been calling myself a drive-on
as Cheryl Tiegs for 27 years.
228
00:09:56,285 --> 00:09:57,495
They're bound to catch me.
229
00:10:00,146 --> 00:10:02,917
Bruce, I owe you an apology.
230
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,711
I just had this great date with a guy
231
00:10:05,795 --> 00:10:09,465
who I thought was all wrong
for me, or so I thought.
232
00:10:09,548 --> 00:10:11,926
And who, pray tell,
was this gentleman caller?
233
00:10:12,009 --> 00:10:15,054
Well, he's a formerly
meth-fueled bisexual,
234
00:10:15,137 --> 00:10:17,265
now straight and straight.
235
00:10:17,348 --> 00:10:20,309
I'm certainly in no position
to be judging that gentleman.
236
00:10:20,393 --> 00:10:22,645
You should have seen
me back in the '80s.
237
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:26,649
(gasping) You were on meth?
238
00:10:26,732 --> 00:10:29,235
No, I played a homeless
street drummer on Fall Guy.
239
00:10:29,318 --> 00:10:30,528
Wow.
240
00:10:30,611 --> 00:10:34,490
It just got me thinking, what
else have I been saying no to?
241
00:10:34,573 --> 00:10:37,159
Did I walk away too
quickly from Pussy Noodle?
242
00:10:37,243 --> 00:10:39,912
And what about wedge shoes
and those culottes
243
00:10:39,996 --> 00:10:41,362
that... sag?
244
00:10:41,372 --> 00:10:43,165
I can't speak to the culottes,
245
00:10:43,249 --> 00:10:45,459
but I am super-jazzed
about your excitement
246
00:10:45,543 --> 00:10:47,253
for Noodles du Pussay.
247
00:10:48,421 --> 00:10:50,075
You know what? I'll do it.
248
00:10:50,085 --> 00:10:52,743
(sighs) Thank you. Victory! (laughing)
249
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:56,470
- Bruce, have we ever hugged?
- Yes. Uh, August 3rd, 2006.
250
00:10:56,554 --> 00:10:57,638
Oh...
251
00:10:58,556 --> 00:10:59,974
How about we go for number two?
252
00:11:00,057 --> 00:11:01,350
Sure!
253
00:11:01,434 --> 00:11:03,644
(both laughing)
254
00:11:06,731 --> 00:11:09,409
Oh. Okay, that felt right.
255
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,027
I'm a work-in-progress.
256
00:11:11,110 --> 00:11:13,904
I realized I didn't have to
have everything figured out.
257
00:11:13,988 --> 00:11:15,239
That's what family
258
00:11:15,322 --> 00:11:17,074
- and friends were for.
- Thank you for coming
259
00:11:17,158 --> 00:11:18,576
to the Bamford family meeting!
260
00:11:18,659 --> 00:11:21,954
Maria, don't do that.
I'm having bladder trouble.
261
00:11:22,038 --> 00:11:25,330
- No Moon Pie after 5:00 p.m., mister.
- Hey.
262
00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:27,126
I got your shears in my trunk.
263
00:11:27,209 --> 00:11:28,794
- Susan! How are you?
- Hey!
264
00:11:28,919 --> 00:11:30,555
What's the haps, gang?
265
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:33,466
I have no idea. Maria's
called a family meeting.
266
00:11:33,549 --> 00:11:36,010
And you're family,
so get your keister over here!
267
00:11:36,093 --> 00:11:37,511
- (laughing)
- Yes, you are.
268
00:11:37,595 --> 00:11:40,473
Family meeting come to order!
269
00:11:40,556 --> 00:11:43,601
Maria, don't do that. I'm
gonna have to change my drawers.
270
00:11:43,684 --> 00:11:46,145
- I'll change 'em for you.
- Joel, you perv!
271
00:11:46,228 --> 00:11:49,732
Okay, guys, that's it!
Guys! Focus, concentrate!
272
00:11:50,614 --> 00:11:54,528
Whoo! I had a major
breakthrough in music therapy.
273
00:11:54,538 --> 00:11:56,775
I don't need to go to outpatient therapy
274
00:11:56,785 --> 00:11:59,742
because I am the C-word, I am cured!
275
00:11:59,825 --> 00:12:02,387
I don't have to go
back again! Thank you!
276
00:12:02,397 --> 00:12:06,276
Hon-bun bear, did Janice
actually say that to you?
277
00:12:07,363 --> 00:12:08,800
Not with words.
278
00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:12,510
But with song, I give
you the gift of music!
279
00:12:15,013 --> 00:12:16,915
What's happening here?
280
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,085
(Susan scoffs)
281
00:12:24,169 --> 00:12:27,589
Welcome to the Bamdford Family Bamd...
282
00:12:27,672 --> 00:12:30,509
(deep voice) with Susan!
283
00:12:30,592 --> 00:12:33,095
Uh, it's misspelled!
284
00:12:33,105 --> 00:12:34,507
It's wordplay.
285
00:12:35,395 --> 00:12:38,475
Oh, Maria! Susan, get her to stop!
286
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,894
- Stop!
- (both chuckling)
287
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:43,892
Come on, let's start playing! (grunting)
288
00:12:43,902 --> 00:12:44,944
Now hold on, bean!
289
00:12:45,028 --> 00:12:47,614
We're as excited as heck
for your breakthrough,
290
00:12:47,697 --> 00:12:49,866
but you've been in outpatient
recovery for something like...
291
00:12:49,949 --> 00:12:51,297
- four days?
- Yeah.
292
00:12:51,307 --> 00:12:53,286
- Two weeks!
- Oh, my God!
293
00:12:53,369 --> 00:12:57,123
And I'm cured. I feel it in my gut!
294
00:12:57,207 --> 00:12:58,541
And I can cure you guys.
295
00:12:58,625 --> 00:12:59,918
- Well...
- Yeah!
296
00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:02,921
Let's have fun with this!
And we gotta practice fast
297
00:13:03,004 --> 00:13:05,924
because we have a gig
on Friday at the VA.
298
00:13:06,007 --> 00:13:07,050
- Oh, jeez.
- Okay?
299
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:11,679
- Yes!
- Let's be good and become well!
300
00:13:11,689 --> 00:13:13,890
- Okay, I get it.
- Come on, that's it!
301
00:13:13,973 --> 00:13:16,226
Now the floodgates have opened. Okay.
302
00:13:16,309 --> 00:13:18,436
I have to change.
303
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,606
- Give me an E, okay?
- E?
304
00:13:21,689 --> 00:13:23,525
(indistinct conversations)
305
00:13:24,332 --> 00:13:29,005
- Come on, Dad! It's showtime!
- I can't do this. I can't go out there.
306
00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:31,032
- Why not?
- Stage fright. I can't breathe.
307
00:13:31,116 --> 00:13:33,368
I thought that went away,
but it's the Navy all over again.
308
00:13:33,451 --> 00:13:35,471
That's why you need music.
309
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:38,957
Once you lose yourself in the ones
and twos, everything will be fine.
310
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,876
- What if it's not?
- Let's talk this through.
311
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,087
What's the worst that can happen?
312
00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:46,301
I throw up in the drums
and puke on my shoes.
313
00:13:46,311 --> 00:13:47,372
And then what?
314
00:13:47,382 --> 00:13:50,301
Everybody laughs at me,
my dermatology business fails,
315
00:13:50,385 --> 00:13:51,886
Marilyn leaves me. I die alone.
316
00:13:51,896 --> 00:13:53,714
- Then what?
- Well, I'm dead.
317
00:13:53,724 --> 00:13:57,517
Exactly. Nothing to lose. Trust me!
318
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,728
Lose yourself in the rhythm of
the night! (screams softly)
319
00:14:00,812 --> 00:14:02,063
Okay.
320
00:14:02,147 --> 00:14:04,065
(whooping)
321
00:14:08,641 --> 00:14:10,697
One, two, three, five!
322
00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:13,116
(rock music playing)
323
00:14:17,495 --> 00:14:19,747
We got corn-fed women
324
00:14:19,831 --> 00:14:21,875
Farm girl sinnin'
325
00:14:21,958 --> 00:14:24,888
'Bout to drive you out of your mind
326
00:14:25,712 --> 00:14:27,338
Hay-balin' fella
327
00:14:27,422 --> 00:14:29,424
Gonna take you to the cella
328
00:14:29,507 --> 00:14:32,969
Give you what you're aching to find
329
00:14:33,052 --> 00:14:36,431
If you wanna know where to go
330
00:14:36,973 --> 00:14:40,226
Head on north To the land of snow
331
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:44,189
Minnesota rockin' Minnesota rockin'
332
00:14:44,272 --> 00:14:47,358
(singing indistinctly)
333
00:14:48,318 --> 00:14:49,777
'Sota rockin'
334
00:14:50,487 --> 00:14:53,323
(singing indistinctly)
335
00:14:53,406 --> 00:14:54,449
(sobbing)
336
00:14:54,532 --> 00:14:56,451
- Maria? Maria.
- Whoa.
337
00:14:57,494 --> 00:14:59,537
Honey? What's going on? Are you okay?
338
00:14:59,621 --> 00:15:01,164
(feedback)
339
00:15:01,247 --> 00:15:02,707
What's going on?
340
00:15:02,790 --> 00:15:06,053
I'm not cured. I think
I need more help, Mom.
341
00:15:06,063 --> 00:15:09,047
All right, sweetie.
I got your wing, okay?
342
00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:10,465
Okay, here we go.
343
00:15:10,548 --> 00:15:15,720
Unfortunately, we've had
an unexpected change.
344
00:15:15,803 --> 00:15:19,792
So, let's wrap this up
with a loving doxology.
345
00:15:20,756 --> 00:15:26,147
Praise God from whom
all blessings flow
346
00:15:26,472 --> 00:15:32,363
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
347
00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:36,407
Amen, Amen
348
00:15:36,491 --> 00:15:39,077
Amen
349
00:15:39,676 --> 00:15:42,705
Okay, sweetie, let's get you
into that Dodge Caravan.
350
00:15:42,789 --> 00:15:44,040
Come on.
351
00:15:44,123 --> 00:15:45,926
Wellness is a process.
352
00:15:45,936 --> 00:15:48,253
I just have to take things
slowly with Shane.
353
00:15:48,336 --> 00:15:50,099
Welcome to Aseriacene.
354
00:15:50,109 --> 00:15:53,091
There are no specials.
Everything's on the menu.
355
00:15:53,174 --> 00:15:55,531
My name's Dave. The less you
know about me, the better.
356
00:15:55,541 --> 00:15:58,096
And seriously, you're not gonna
hear a lot from the waiters.
357
00:15:58,179 --> 00:15:59,556
Okay.
358
00:16:00,348 --> 00:16:02,183
I've walked past a million times,
359
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:05,645
but I've never actually
been in Aseriacene before.
360
00:16:05,728 --> 00:16:07,188
Well, it suits you.
361
00:16:07,272 --> 00:16:08,773
Thank you.
362
00:16:08,856 --> 00:16:13,111
I was almost in a serious scene
on West Wing, but I got fired.
363
00:16:13,194 --> 00:16:16,646
Well, I know that feeling.
When I was jacked on meth,
364
00:16:16,656 --> 00:16:18,049
I got fired all the time.
365
00:16:18,158 --> 00:16:21,249
I almost killed Rob Reiner twice
while doing squat spots.
366
00:16:21,259 --> 00:16:25,373
FYI, you cannot lift
a 375 pound man on meth.
367
00:16:27,041 --> 00:16:29,627
I'm not being fair.
That was a good week for him.
368
00:16:29,711 --> 00:16:31,796
He was more like 349.
369
00:16:32,755 --> 00:16:34,924
But for all the bad stuff...
370
00:16:35,008 --> 00:16:36,509
you know what's weird?
371
00:16:36,593 --> 00:16:37,897
I miss the meth.
372
00:16:37,907 --> 00:16:41,973
That's not weird at all.
I miss the energy of mania.
373
00:16:42,056 --> 00:16:45,076
I may have been contemplating
suicide 18 hours a day,
374
00:16:45,086 --> 00:16:47,243
but my baseboards were spotless.
375
00:16:47,604 --> 00:16:49,105
What I don't miss about meth
376
00:16:49,188 --> 00:16:52,150
is waking up with some
strange man in my bed.
377
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,863
It's funny because I get in trouble
if I don't take my meds,
378
00:16:56,946 --> 00:16:58,740
but you get in trouble if you do.
379
00:16:58,823 --> 00:17:00,825
(both laughing)
380
00:17:00,908 --> 00:17:02,744
Oh, God, I love to laugh.
381
00:17:04,454 --> 00:17:06,532
Do you worry about relapsing?
382
00:17:06,741 --> 00:17:07,952
All the time.
383
00:17:08,797 --> 00:17:12,503
If I use meth again, I'd end up
with a random cock in my mouth.
384
00:17:12,587 --> 00:17:14,297
(inhaling)
385
00:17:14,675 --> 00:17:15,877
No carbs.
386
00:17:16,396 --> 00:17:18,301
I haven't been dating in so long
387
00:17:18,384 --> 00:17:22,305
and I just can't trust
my instincts anymore.
388
00:17:27,943 --> 00:17:30,931
I should let you know, I can't
come home with you tonight.
389
00:17:30,941 --> 00:17:33,441
I'm just... still a little vulnerable
390
00:17:33,524 --> 00:17:36,740
and I'm trying to take
things pretty slowly.
391
00:17:36,895 --> 00:17:38,879
I'm totally cool with that.
392
00:17:39,238 --> 00:17:40,615
Ready to order?
393
00:17:40,698 --> 00:17:43,451
Yes. Quick question. Do you have crabs?
394
00:17:43,949 --> 00:17:46,580
Yes, I do. They're delicious.
395
00:17:48,665 --> 00:17:50,708
Oh, what a terrific date.
396
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,877
I made the right choice
to not sleep with Shane.
397
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,379
Taking it slow.
398
00:17:54,462 --> 00:17:56,047
That's the prudent course.
399
00:17:56,130 --> 00:17:58,508
Good for me! (chuckles)
400
00:17:58,591 --> 00:17:59,592
(switches on radio)
401
00:17:59,676 --> 00:18:01,094
Thanks for tuning in.
402
00:18:01,177 --> 00:18:03,429
Today we're talking about
Maria Bamford's date
403
00:18:03,513 --> 00:18:04,596
from ten minutes ago.
404
00:18:04,606 --> 00:18:06,557
- Ooh.
- Why is it good to wait, Maria?
405
00:18:06,641 --> 00:18:07,975
It sounds like fear to me.
406
00:18:08,059 --> 00:18:10,452
Maybe you can't trust your instincts.
407
00:18:10,462 --> 00:18:12,903
Yeah, I really can't. (chuckles)
408
00:18:12,913 --> 00:18:15,608
Oh, sack up, Maria,
and sleep with Shane.
409
00:18:15,692 --> 00:18:17,182
You're on your 17th date.
410
00:18:17,192 --> 00:18:20,488
What? No, we're on our second.
It's only been our second date.
411
00:18:20,571 --> 00:18:23,408
It might as well be your 17th,
the way you feel about him.
412
00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:25,118
That's true, but...
413
00:18:25,201 --> 00:18:26,744
(sighs) I just...
414
00:18:26,828 --> 00:18:29,703
We haven't had a commitment
yet. I just don't feel safe.
415
00:18:29,713 --> 00:18:31,706
Don't you have one of those
relationship agreements
416
00:18:31,716 --> 00:18:34,451
in one of your workbooks?
Shane could sign that.
417
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:37,463
Yes. I do... and he could!
418
00:18:37,547 --> 00:18:39,674
That would make me feel
more safe about this.
419
00:18:39,757 --> 00:18:41,551
Great. Now go get him, tiger.
420
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:44,345
And use a goddamn
condom. He is bisexual.
421
00:18:44,429 --> 00:18:46,514
And the meth, Jesus Christ!
422
00:18:46,524 --> 00:18:49,267
I'm Jean Bart, and this
has been Convenient Devices.
423
00:18:49,350 --> 00:18:51,185
Next up, Secret Lives of the Moth.
424
00:18:51,269 --> 00:18:54,254
- Oh... I'm turning it off.
- (channel switches)
425
00:18:54,654 --> 00:18:58,651
Jean Bart was right.
It was time to sleep with Shane.
426
00:18:58,735 --> 00:19:01,654
I am a woman, damn it, and I am ready.
427
00:19:01,738 --> 00:19:03,098
That's it!
428
00:19:03,108 --> 00:19:05,574
I'm going after my man!
429
00:19:06,159 --> 00:19:07,702
(tires screeching)
430
00:19:09,078 --> 00:19:10,997
(country music playing on radio)
431
00:19:28,722 --> 00:19:30,834
(gasps) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
432
00:19:30,844 --> 00:19:32,589
He's back on meth. Oh, my God.
433
00:19:33,519 --> 00:19:35,354
- This is an intervention!
- Whoa!
434
00:19:35,438 --> 00:19:37,482
Shane! Shane, I'm here.
435
00:19:37,565 --> 00:19:39,066
And you!
436
00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:43,042
Get that mouth a bus ticket
and ride it right out of Dicktown.
437
00:19:43,142 --> 00:19:45,156
He's an addict. He doesn't
know what he's doing.
438
00:19:45,239 --> 00:19:46,699
- Get out!
- What's going on here?
439
00:19:46,783 --> 00:19:48,910
Get out! But take care.
440
00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:52,622
Maria. What are you doing here?
441
00:19:52,705 --> 00:19:54,457
Trying to keep you safe from meth.
442
00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:56,209
I'm not on meth. I'm bisexual.
443
00:19:56,292 --> 00:19:58,127
I thought you were
bisexual because of meth.
444
00:19:58,211 --> 00:19:59,837
- What does that even mean?
- Okay.
445
00:19:59,921 --> 00:20:02,882
I'm a recovering meth addict.
I'm a current cock addict.
446
00:20:02,892 --> 00:20:06,177
Oh! I'm having lots of
complicated feelings right now.
447
00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:07,442
I thought you were going home.
448
00:20:07,452 --> 00:20:10,932
I was, but then, I was feeling
so comfortable on our date,
449
00:20:11,015 --> 00:20:12,934
and I thought I'm holding myself back.
450
00:20:13,017 --> 00:20:15,978
I thought, what is fear?
False evidence appearing real.
451
00:20:15,988 --> 00:20:18,109
I don't want to fuck everything and run.
452
00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:20,358
I wanna face everything and recover.
453
00:20:20,441 --> 00:20:23,069
I grabbed my workbook.
I thought we could go through it.
454
00:20:23,152 --> 00:20:25,196
And then maybe I... You could...
455
00:20:25,279 --> 00:20:27,156
sign something.
We could spend the night.
456
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,951
But now I feel weird,
and I bid you goodnight.
457
00:20:30,076 --> 00:20:31,536
Maria...
458
00:20:31,619 --> 00:20:34,080
I thought you were cool with bisexuals.
459
00:20:34,163 --> 00:20:37,583
No, I am. I'm LGBTQ, exclamation point.
460
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:40,711
It's just that I saw you
with another person.
461
00:20:40,795 --> 00:20:41,879
- The waiter?
- Yeah.
462
00:20:41,963 --> 00:20:44,006
He means nothing to me.
That's just sport.
463
00:20:44,090 --> 00:20:46,619
I don't do this in a
committed relationship.
464
00:20:46,629 --> 00:20:49,929
I mean, do you wanna be
in a committed relationship?
465
00:20:52,098 --> 00:20:53,224
Yes.
466
00:21:05,274 --> 00:21:06,546
What the hell is this?
467
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,321
- Are you kidding me, Shane?
- God!
468
00:21:08,331 --> 00:21:09,515
Gabriel.
469
00:21:10,032 --> 00:21:11,284
Who is that?
470
00:21:11,409 --> 00:21:13,953
I might as well admit it.
I have a boyfriend.
471
00:21:14,036 --> 00:21:15,246
Gabriel's my boyfriend.
472
00:21:16,205 --> 00:21:17,707
What about the other guy?
473
00:21:17,717 --> 00:21:19,584
I was cheating on Gabriel.
I'd never do that to you.
474
00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:21,419
- You're the only woman in my life.
- Oh.
475
00:21:21,502 --> 00:21:22,587
- (cell phone chimes)
- Shit.
476
00:21:22,670 --> 00:21:24,797
- A text from Gabriel.
- He's texting from the bathroom?
477
00:21:24,881 --> 00:21:27,758
Ew! What does he say?
478
00:21:27,842 --> 00:21:30,803
"Who is he?" Oh, God,
he thinks you're a man.
479
00:21:30,887 --> 00:21:33,255
That make sense. He'd be
fine if you were a woman.
480
00:21:33,265 --> 00:21:35,057
- I am a woman.
- I know that.
481
00:21:35,141 --> 00:21:36,559
It's Gabriel you have to convince.
482
00:21:36,642 --> 00:21:37,872
- (knocking)
- Gabriel.
483
00:21:37,882 --> 00:21:40,605
- Who's there?
- (stutters) Orange.
484
00:21:40,688 --> 00:21:43,882
- Orange, who?
- Orange, you glad I have a vagina?
485
00:21:43,892 --> 00:21:46,110
- Just go away, you guys.
- I'm not a guy.
486
00:21:46,193 --> 00:21:49,317
I can show you my south
mouth, if you come out.
487
00:21:49,327 --> 00:21:51,972
- Oh, pull your pants up.
- Okay.
488
00:21:52,209 --> 00:21:54,952
- Gabriel...
- Hi. I'm Maria.
489
00:21:55,036 --> 00:21:57,788
Enchant?e. Thank you
so much for the pastries.
490
00:21:58,748 --> 00:22:01,922
- Shane, what the fuck is your problem?
- What's your problem? She's a woman.
491
00:22:01,932 --> 00:22:03,669
- She'll show you her snootch.
- Yes.
492
00:22:03,753 --> 00:22:05,268
Shane, you stupid fuck!
493
00:22:05,278 --> 00:22:07,636
I don't give a shit if
this is a man, or a woman,
494
00:22:07,646 --> 00:22:09,967
or a fucking Samoyed Husky mix.
495
00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:12,929
Hey, not cool! (whines)
496
00:22:13,012 --> 00:22:14,513
We have our relationship.
497
00:22:14,597 --> 00:22:16,223
She's my woman relationship.
498
00:22:16,307 --> 00:22:17,642
I'm bisexual.
499
00:22:17,725 --> 00:22:19,268
That's not what it means.
500
00:22:19,401 --> 00:22:21,467
I know exactly what
you're going through.
501
00:22:21,477 --> 00:22:23,731
'Cause I just went through it myself.
502
00:22:23,741 --> 00:22:27,498
3 minutes ago, I walked in on Shane
being blown by our baby waiter.
503
00:22:27,508 --> 00:22:29,246
You got blown by a waiter?
504
00:22:29,256 --> 00:22:30,978
Barely. He had just gotten started.
505
00:22:30,988 --> 00:22:32,490
I deserve more.
506
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,201
Shane... you and I are over.
507
00:22:35,284 --> 00:22:36,410
Oh.
508
00:22:36,674 --> 00:22:40,024
This guy's a piece of shit.
Are you gonna stay with him?
509
00:22:41,093 --> 00:22:43,959
Oh, come on! Where's
your self-esteem, Maria?
510
00:22:44,043 --> 00:22:45,086
Okay.
511
00:22:45,961 --> 00:22:47,203
You know what's funny about this?
512
00:22:47,213 --> 00:22:50,390
I started this show thinking
that I couldn't trust my gut
513
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,843
when I didn't want to go
out with a bisexual addict,
514
00:22:52,927 --> 00:22:56,138
or do a violent, castrating
Japanese ramen commercial.
515
00:22:56,222 --> 00:22:58,836
But now I am forced to trust my gut
516
00:22:58,846 --> 00:23:01,050
and make a decision on my own.
517
00:23:01,060 --> 00:23:02,568
On my own!
518
00:23:02,578 --> 00:23:06,607
What will it be, Maria?
We are all waiting.
519
00:23:07,357 --> 00:23:08,877
You make choice now?
520
00:23:09,276 --> 00:23:12,029
- Who are you?
- I am the host.
521
00:23:12,113 --> 00:23:14,115
(upbeat music playing)
522
00:23:18,452 --> 00:23:22,415
Shane here wants to
have pussy and noodle.
523
00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:25,439
But there must be a decision.
524
00:23:26,431 --> 00:23:27,742
Maria...
525
00:23:28,365 --> 00:23:30,915
will you offer pussy to Shane?
526
00:23:31,924 --> 00:23:35,219
Well... I used to put all
my trust in Karen Grisham.
527
00:23:35,302 --> 00:23:37,364
- That didn't work out.
- (buzzer buzzes)
528
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:39,856
Then I put all my trust in Bruce,
529
00:23:39,866 --> 00:23:42,001
- and that of course didn't work either.
- (buzzer buzzes)
530
00:23:42,011 --> 00:23:46,772
Now I have to put my trust in
myself... and that is scary.
531
00:23:46,856 --> 00:23:49,233
So... my decision is...
532
00:23:50,067 --> 00:23:51,276
Shane...
533
00:23:52,305 --> 00:23:53,716
I will...
534
00:23:55,239 --> 00:23:56,907
not give you my pussy.
535
00:23:56,991 --> 00:23:58,784
- (audience gasps)
- Because I have
536
00:23:58,868 --> 00:24:02,079
self a-steam.
537
00:24:02,163 --> 00:24:04,498
- Pussy Noodles!
- (all cheering)
538
00:24:06,118 --> 00:24:07,543
Maria, you did it!
539
00:24:07,626 --> 00:24:09,795
You have self-esteem!
540
00:24:09,805 --> 00:24:11,297
You make win!
541
00:24:11,916 --> 00:24:13,191
Yay!
542
00:24:14,049 --> 00:24:18,304
(choir singing)
I don't know what I'm doing
543
00:24:19,805 --> 00:24:22,558
More than half of the time
544
00:24:26,604 --> 00:24:28,606
(rock music playing)
545
00:24:29,089 --> 00:24:33,186
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
546
00:24:33,236 --> 00:24:37,786
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41206
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