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1
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[upbeat music playing]
2
00:00:06,197 --> 00:00:08,870
[Maria] Single, stylish, now.
3
00:00:09,329 --> 00:00:11,915
A lady's got to be ready
for when it happens.
4
00:00:11,998 --> 00:00:15,710
And right now, it's happening.
5
00:00:15,794 --> 00:00:16,961
It's my life.
6
00:00:17,045 --> 00:00:20,766
And I'll do whatever it takes
to get that sassafras feeling.
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00:00:20,776 --> 00:00:22,335
Sassafras.
8
00:00:23,635 --> 00:00:24,985
[Maria] Thank you.
9
00:00:26,392 --> 00:00:28,231
I'm a silly goose-snake.
10
00:00:29,265 --> 00:00:31,059
Ooh! [laughing]
11
00:00:31,923 --> 00:00:33,561
I feel French.
12
00:00:33,645 --> 00:00:36,815
Ooh, flowers for me? No, thanks.
13
00:00:38,249 --> 00:00:40,360
[bicycle chain clicking]
14
00:00:40,860 --> 00:00:45,115
Sometimes you just have to take
a ride when life wants you to.
15
00:00:46,032 --> 00:00:47,329
- Bye!
- [bike bell ringing]
16
00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,692
Who knows what romance it will bring?
17
00:00:49,702 --> 00:00:52,745
It's not what's in your
head, it's what's on it.
18
00:00:52,755 --> 00:00:55,877
- [slurping]
- [tire screeches]
19
00:00:57,434 --> 00:01:00,029
Hair that's so shiny and full...
20
00:01:00,255 --> 00:01:02,382
Can you blame them for looking?
21
00:01:02,838 --> 00:01:05,023
No time to pay. [giggling]
22
00:01:05,635 --> 00:01:07,910
I love being a woman.
23
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:09,749
Can a man do this?
24
00:01:12,350 --> 00:01:13,695
[giggling]
25
00:01:13,996 --> 00:01:16,090
First lady on the moon?
26
00:01:19,232 --> 00:01:22,074
Thanks to Latrisse DuVois
Hair Care Products,
27
00:01:22,084 --> 00:01:23,368
by Gary.
28
00:01:24,279 --> 00:01:26,072
I just had my tubes tied.
29
00:01:26,156 --> 00:01:28,908
At my age, it's not
safe to have children.
30
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[tires squealing]
31
00:01:30,253 --> 00:01:32,686
Get out of the way, you gypsies!
32
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[bell chiming]
33
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Because when you feel this good...
34
00:01:39,836 --> 00:01:42,589
Ain't no man gonna tell
me I ain't a woman.
35
00:01:42,672 --> 00:01:44,632
[woman] Uh, Maria.
36
00:01:44,841 --> 00:01:46,954
Hey, Maria. What are you doing?
37
00:01:48,428 --> 00:01:50,138
Uh, hair commercial?
38
00:01:50,221 --> 00:01:52,599
[woman] No. This is not a hair ad.
39
00:01:52,682 --> 00:01:54,682
It's the show. It's your show.
40
00:01:55,487 --> 00:01:58,146
- Let's get you to the van, okay?
- My show?
41
00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:00,432
I have a show?
42
00:02:01,274 --> 00:02:05,278
I'm a 45-year-old woman,
who's clearly sun-damaged.
43
00:02:05,361 --> 00:02:08,323
My skin's getting softer,
yet my bones are jutting out,
44
00:02:08,406 --> 00:02:10,992
so I'm half soft, half sharp.
45
00:02:11,075 --> 00:02:12,702
And I have a show!
46
00:02:12,786 --> 00:02:15,789
What a great late-in-life
opportunity! [chuckling]
47
00:02:15,872 --> 00:02:16,998
[woman] Maria!
48
00:02:17,957 --> 00:02:19,375
Wrong van!
49
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:21,035
Oh. [door slamming]
50
00:02:21,190 --> 00:02:22,586
Stranger danger.
51
00:02:22,686 --> 00:02:24,255
I have my own sho...
52
00:02:24,265 --> 00:02:27,217
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
53
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:28,384
[Maria] Pow!
54
00:02:28,468 --> 00:02:29,863
Kick it!
55
00:02:30,053 --> 00:02:31,400
[Maria laughing]
56
00:02:32,847 --> 00:02:34,349
[Maria trills]
57
00:02:34,432 --> 00:02:35,921
[Maria screaming]
58
00:02:36,601 --> 00:02:39,225
Have you ever been to Detroit?
59
00:02:40,975 --> 00:02:42,390
[on phone] It's Maria Bamford
60
00:02:42,473 --> 00:02:45,065
to see Bruce Ben-Bacharach.
He's my manager.
61
00:02:45,075 --> 00:02:47,731
- Bruce?
- [Bruce] Ah!
62
00:02:47,741 --> 00:02:49,021
- How are you?
- Good!
63
00:02:49,105 --> 00:02:51,566
I'm thrilled to see you.
You look lovely.
64
00:02:51,649 --> 00:02:53,317
Please come into my office.
65
00:02:53,401 --> 00:02:55,486
- Hey!
- The prodigal son returns.
66
00:02:55,570 --> 00:02:58,114
Six long months and now you're back.
67
00:02:58,197 --> 00:03:00,950
How do you feel? Refreshed?
Revitalized? Renewed?
68
00:03:01,033 --> 00:03:03,054
Yes, I do... I feel...
69
00:03:03,064 --> 00:03:07,151
I feel very good, a little tired
because of the heavy meds.
70
00:03:07,235 --> 00:03:09,862
But, I'm also back on carbs.
71
00:03:09,946 --> 00:03:13,241
I'm eating pancakes almost all day.
72
00:03:13,324 --> 00:03:16,953
The entire entertainment industry
has been eagerly awaiting
73
00:03:17,036 --> 00:03:18,663
- your glorious return.
- [sighs]
74
00:03:18,746 --> 00:03:20,706
I've made some big changes, too.
75
00:03:21,582 --> 00:03:23,584
Big Hollywood power desk.
76
00:03:23,668 --> 00:03:25,378
- Solid glass. That's not all.
- Oh.
77
00:03:25,461 --> 00:03:26,906
Kerplunk.
78
00:03:27,262 --> 00:03:29,507
Sexy Hollywood power boots.
79
00:03:29,590 --> 00:03:32,301
Move over, Carrie Bradshaw.
From Sex and the City.
80
00:03:32,385 --> 00:03:34,095
I'd like to get you booked on that.
81
00:03:34,178 --> 00:03:35,730
- Is it still on?
- [clunking]
82
00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:37,999
- [Bruce] God damn it.
- Sexy power boots!
83
00:03:38,099 --> 00:03:41,811
Now that you're back, tell me
exactly what you want to do.
84
00:03:41,894 --> 00:03:45,314
- Right.
- TV show, movie, world comedy tour...
85
00:03:45,398 --> 00:03:47,191
I'm gonna take a real shot at it.
86
00:03:47,275 --> 00:03:49,110
- Yeah.
- Chantrelle!
87
00:03:49,193 --> 00:03:51,967
Get me the hidden big
opportunities list, would you?
88
00:03:51,977 --> 00:03:55,783
Okay, I would like to do less, not more.
89
00:03:55,867 --> 00:03:59,120
That's the thing.
Could it be less ambitious?
90
00:03:59,203 --> 00:04:01,914
Or maybe not ambitious anymore.
91
00:04:01,998 --> 00:04:03,664
Less ambitious?
92
00:04:03,875 --> 00:04:05,718
No work for Maria.
93
00:04:05,728 --> 00:04:08,921
I mean, I want to work a little,
but just smaller things.
94
00:04:09,005 --> 00:04:12,049
Less pressure. I mean...
Stand-up at a book store,
95
00:04:12,133 --> 00:04:17,057
alone in my living room
or in a vintage eyeglass shop, or...
96
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:19,682
Sweetheart, are you pulling
back because of me?
97
00:04:19,766 --> 00:04:23,603
I can reel in that big fish.
I can land the monster shark.
98
00:04:23,686 --> 00:04:25,521
Believe me, you've seen the desk.
99
00:04:25,605 --> 00:04:28,034
No. This is not about you at all.
100
00:04:28,044 --> 00:04:30,026
I'm trying to get some
balance in my life.
101
00:04:30,109 --> 00:04:33,070
I know I've done some things I regret
102
00:04:33,154 --> 00:04:35,239
and I made some enemies, I'm sure,
103
00:04:35,323 --> 00:04:39,410
- from some of my behavior and I'd...
- [Chantrelle] Mark "Sugar Ray" McGrath?
104
00:04:39,420 --> 00:04:40,785
[Maria] Okay. What?
105
00:04:40,885 --> 00:04:42,932
- The singer?
- Don't listen to her. She is useless.
106
00:04:42,942 --> 00:04:44,824
- [thudding]
- [inhaling sharply]
107
00:04:47,475 --> 00:04:49,059
[glass crackling]
108
00:04:50,171 --> 00:04:52,673
- I bet they can buff that out.
- I'm sure.
109
00:04:53,055 --> 00:04:56,886
You know what it is? I just really
wanna reconnect with my community.
110
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,639
It's like I don't even
know who my neighbors are.
111
00:04:59,722 --> 00:05:03,664
Forgive my distraction. This is
a $37,000 handblown Murano glass desk.
112
00:05:03,674 --> 00:05:06,395
- Oh, my God.
- So understandably I'm irked with myself.
113
00:05:06,479 --> 00:05:09,982
Yes, neighbors. A serendipitous
meeting on a park bench.
114
00:05:10,066 --> 00:05:11,339
"How do you do, sir?"
115
00:05:11,349 --> 00:05:13,935
"I'm fine, thank you."
"Is that your dog, sir?"
116
00:05:13,945 --> 00:05:17,949
That's it. Human interaction. Yes
indeed. I'm gonna make some calls.
117
00:05:18,032 --> 00:05:19,534
I love it. I love it.
118
00:05:19,617 --> 00:05:21,577
A neighborhood park bench.
119
00:05:21,661 --> 00:05:24,501
That's exactly what was
on my vision board.
120
00:05:24,511 --> 00:05:26,262
When I was in the psych ward,
121
00:05:26,272 --> 00:05:28,292
I kept cutting out benches
for my vision board.
122
00:05:28,376 --> 00:05:31,040
- I didn't know why. And now I know:
- [inaudible]
123
00:05:31,050 --> 00:05:32,865
It was to manifest community!
124
00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:34,298
Bruce, you did it!
125
00:05:34,382 --> 00:05:37,280
Well, I confess that I'm not
sure what you're talking about,
126
00:05:37,290 --> 00:05:39,173
but it seems you're happy
with me. That's what matters.
127
00:05:39,183 --> 00:05:40,596
- Yes.
- Solutions everywhere.
128
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,932
And by the way,
I'm gonna call these people.
129
00:05:43,015 --> 00:05:45,601
I'm gonna say they
delivered the desk that way
130
00:05:45,685 --> 00:05:47,228
and how dare you, sir!
131
00:05:47,311 --> 00:05:50,321
Really, I mean, why should I pay
for the buffing? [chuckling]
132
00:05:50,331 --> 00:05:52,358
[glass shattering]
133
00:05:53,025 --> 00:05:54,397
Well...
134
00:05:55,244 --> 00:05:58,026
That's it. I put my foot
through my nest egg.
135
00:05:58,236 --> 00:06:00,039
- [Maria] Oh!
- [dial tone]
136
00:06:00,283 --> 00:06:04,704
[Maria] The bench arrived. I invited my
best friend, Dagmar, and her worst friend,
137
00:06:04,714 --> 00:06:06,706
Larissa, also my best friend.
138
00:06:06,789 --> 00:06:08,749
- Hey, dipshit.
- Hey!
139
00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:12,628
- What's with the bench?
- Hey. Well, it is to connect
140
00:06:12,712 --> 00:06:15,965
- and create community.
- How fun.
141
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:19,260
Isn't this great?
It's all coming together.
142
00:06:19,343 --> 00:06:21,053
Why? Because you have a bench?
143
00:06:21,137 --> 00:06:23,483
It's not just my bench,
it's your bench, Dagmar.
144
00:06:23,493 --> 00:06:24,962
It's your bench, Larissa.
145
00:06:24,972 --> 00:06:28,340
- Thank you.
- It's your bench, sir!
146
00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:29,520
Come have a seat.
147
00:06:30,866 --> 00:06:33,239
That's it, buddy.
I'm gonna rip you in half.
148
00:06:33,249 --> 00:06:34,692
That guy needs a bench for sure.
149
00:06:34,775 --> 00:06:37,320
[Dagmar] Why don't you
come back? You kidding me?
150
00:06:37,403 --> 00:06:39,530
Know what? I'm gonna
make a note of this guy
151
00:06:39,614 --> 00:06:40,990
in my notebook.
152
00:06:41,073 --> 00:06:45,203
Oh, I get it. This bench is a way
for you to access romance.
153
00:06:45,213 --> 00:06:46,662
- No.
- [Larissa] Yes.
154
00:06:46,746 --> 00:06:49,749
- It's like a fuck bench? I love that.
- No, no!
155
00:06:49,759 --> 00:06:53,502
That's the way to build community.
Sit here all night, suck Ds,
156
00:06:53,586 --> 00:06:55,379
knock out your teeth, have a good time.
157
00:06:55,389 --> 00:06:58,799
[Larissa] Maybe it's time to
get back out there? S some Ds.
158
00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:01,130
It's about learning people's names.
159
00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:04,296
The more names you learn,
the happier you are.
160
00:07:04,306 --> 00:07:06,963
- [Larissa] I didn't know that.
- Because you're a bad friend.
161
00:07:06,973 --> 00:07:08,517
I am a wonderful friend.
162
00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:09,977
- Oh, really?
- Mhmm.
163
00:07:10,061 --> 00:07:12,396
You didn't even visit Maria
in her time of need.
164
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,398
Ok, no, no. We've already
talked about this.
165
00:07:14,482 --> 00:07:16,524
I didn't need to be visited. Besides,
166
00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:18,653
- I'm sure you were busy, Larissa.
- I wasn't.
167
00:07:18,736 --> 00:07:20,755
- Okay.
- I wasn't busy at all.
168
00:07:20,765 --> 00:07:22,907
I didn't come because I'm an empath.
169
00:07:22,990 --> 00:07:25,952
When people are experiencing
negative emotion,
170
00:07:26,035 --> 00:07:28,079
it sticks to me hardcore.
171
00:07:28,162 --> 00:07:30,081
- Yeah.
- [Larissa] So, I guess...
172
00:07:30,164 --> 00:07:33,125
It's like I cared too much to show up.
173
00:07:33,209 --> 00:07:35,153
[Dagmar] You're a bad friend.
174
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:39,131
Look at this! The bench has got
us communicating as a group.
175
00:07:39,215 --> 00:07:41,421
Let's go meet the neighbors!
176
00:07:41,431 --> 00:07:44,374
- Okay.
- Oh, God. I'm terrified.
177
00:07:46,055 --> 00:07:47,473
[knocking]
178
00:07:49,266 --> 00:07:50,530
Hi.
179
00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:54,509
I'm Maria... and your
name is, please, sir?
180
00:07:55,530 --> 00:07:57,775
- Oscar.
- Hi, Oscar.
181
00:07:57,858 --> 00:08:02,019
I am your neighbor
and these are my friends...
182
00:08:02,029 --> 00:08:04,407
I just wanted to let you
know I put in a bench
183
00:08:04,490 --> 00:08:06,973
that I wanted you to
come over and enjoy.
184
00:08:06,983 --> 00:08:08,953
- Go fuck yourself.
- Okay...
185
00:08:12,873 --> 00:08:14,575
Hi! I'm Maria. I'm from...
186
00:08:14,585 --> 00:08:16,502
I live across the street and...
187
00:08:16,585 --> 00:08:18,254
Just... gonna put in a bench.
188
00:08:18,337 --> 00:08:19,839
I think it's helpful for...
189
00:08:19,922 --> 00:08:21,674
the community... Okay,
all right. That's good.
190
00:08:21,757 --> 00:08:25,011
And I just wanna invite you
and your family or... Okay.
191
00:08:25,094 --> 00:08:27,688
[Dagmar] We are loving, open people!
Don't shut the fucking door in my face!
192
00:08:27,698 --> 00:08:29,604
Don't shut the fucking door in my face!
193
00:08:29,614 --> 00:08:31,267
[Maria] No? Okay.
194
00:08:31,350 --> 00:08:32,764
She hates you.
195
00:08:32,774 --> 00:08:34,311
[Dagmar] I'll kick her ass!
196
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,475
Why don't you put that in a fun binder?
197
00:08:38,627 --> 00:08:41,713
I'm not very organized
and don't have the resources...
198
00:08:41,797 --> 00:08:43,840
Maria, I just had a Larissa thought.
199
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:44,967
- Okay.
- Okay?
200
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:46,969
Let me be your assistant.
201
00:08:47,886 --> 00:08:50,305
That would make me feel really useful.
202
00:08:50,389 --> 00:08:51,682
Lets face it. The only way to be sure
203
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,226
that I'll be there for
you is if you pay me.
204
00:08:54,309 --> 00:08:56,395
- Okay.
- I'm gonna need $35 an hour.
205
00:08:56,478 --> 00:08:58,647
The music in the house
has to be my choice.
206
00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:00,065
I need Wednesdays off.
207
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:02,099
It's religious thing.
You're not allowed to ask.
208
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,699
Six weeks off in summer,
like the Italians.
209
00:09:05,173 --> 00:09:06,493
You know what?
210
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:10,234
I do need help.
And it's okay to admit that.
211
00:09:10,762 --> 00:09:13,370
I accept your offer with love
and gratitude. You're hired.
212
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:16,832
Great! I have a dentist appointment
tomorrow. I'll be 4 hours late.
213
00:09:16,915 --> 00:09:18,959
Okay, it's all coming together.
214
00:09:18,969 --> 00:09:22,296
Yeah, even my... bench
which is now covered in garbage.
215
00:09:22,421 --> 00:09:24,346
- Okay. All right.
- Oh, no.
216
00:09:24,881 --> 00:09:27,092
It's become a bit of
a wildlife preserve.
217
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:29,020
- [siren wails]
- Evening, ladies.
218
00:09:29,030 --> 00:09:31,744
- Hi, Officer.
- You can't just...
219
00:09:32,126 --> 00:09:33,890
dump your furniture
and garbage out here.
220
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:35,392
Oh, no, it's not garbage.
221
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:38,979
It's a neighborhood bench.
It's for the community.
222
00:09:39,062 --> 00:09:42,190
Do you have a permit
for the community bench?
223
00:09:42,274 --> 00:09:45,777
- Oh, no. Is that required?
- It is.
224
00:09:45,861 --> 00:09:48,763
And if you don't have one,
you're gonna have to go down
225
00:09:48,773 --> 00:09:50,608
to City Hall and get one.
226
00:09:50,692 --> 00:09:52,819
- Or I can write you a 4950.
- [Maria groans]
227
00:09:52,902 --> 00:09:54,737
I don't wanna write you a 4950.
228
00:09:54,821 --> 00:09:58,283
I can't do it right now. I have
to get ready for a stand-up gig.
229
00:09:58,366 --> 00:10:00,827
- Oh, invite him.
- [Maria] Maybe...
230
00:10:00,910 --> 00:10:02,912
What a helmet.
That's a good shaped head,
231
00:10:02,996 --> 00:10:04,747
if you know what I mean.
232
00:10:04,831 --> 00:10:08,865
Would you wanna come to a comedy show?
233
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,641
They're so wonderful.
234
00:10:11,396 --> 00:10:14,215
[stammering] Oh, God.
235
00:10:14,299 --> 00:10:16,317
Maria, I'm sorry. Come here.
236
00:10:16,499 --> 00:10:18,595
You're gonna put stand-up in your show?
237
00:10:18,678 --> 00:10:20,847
- [man] Cut!
- Yeah. Is that bad?
238
00:10:20,930 --> 00:10:22,557
It's... Yeah, it's bad.
239
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,893
It's just been done so many times.
240
00:10:24,976 --> 00:10:27,896
You know, you got Louie,
Seinfeld, Chappelle,
241
00:10:27,979 --> 00:10:29,805
Amy Schumer, my two pilots...
242
00:10:30,190 --> 00:10:31,900
- No, they didn't go.
- I'm so sorry.
243
00:10:31,983 --> 00:10:35,515
We haven't officially met.
Are you the comedy police?
244
00:10:35,525 --> 00:10:37,989
I'm a friend giving friendly advice.
245
00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:40,450
You're an actor.
Just say your lines, monkey.
246
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:42,827
Give your audience some credit, okay?
247
00:10:42,911 --> 00:10:46,414
They can deal with
form-busting narrative innovations.
248
00:10:46,497 --> 00:10:50,501
- We've all seen Breaking Bad.
- All right, well, I haven't.
249
00:10:50,585 --> 00:10:52,921
You gotta see it.
Anna Gunn is amazing in it.
250
00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:55,840
But look, people can deal
with the time jump.
251
00:10:55,924 --> 00:10:59,427
All right? Just don't make it jarring.
252
00:10:59,510 --> 00:11:01,429
If we do, we definitely wouldn't do it
253
00:11:01,512 --> 00:11:03,097
in a way that was jarring.
254
00:11:06,929 --> 00:11:08,228
Here you go.
255
00:11:08,311 --> 00:11:10,855
And don't thank me. I'm a stranger.
256
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,317
[upbeat music]
257
00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:16,277
- [Maria] Hi.
- Karen Grisham.
258
00:11:16,361 --> 00:11:19,030
- Come here, I'm a hugger.
- Oh, thank you.
259
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:20,615
Wow.
260
00:11:20,698 --> 00:11:22,617
Congrats, Maria.
261
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,402
You made the Grish-list.
262
00:11:25,161 --> 00:11:30,625
Maria, I am the most powerful
talent agent in this city or galaxy.
263
00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:33,169
You know why?
Every time I walk into a room,
264
00:11:33,179 --> 00:11:35,896
I know exactly how I would
kill each person in a sec.
265
00:11:35,906 --> 00:11:37,149
[waiter] Arnold Palmer?
266
00:11:37,159 --> 00:11:39,959
Elbow to forehead,
golf pencil through heart.
267
00:11:40,301 --> 00:11:42,178
- He meant the drink.
- Oh.
268
00:11:42,261 --> 00:11:45,128
A fucking beverage.
Fuck off, I'm in a meeting.
269
00:11:45,537 --> 00:11:47,183
Look, open-kimono time.
270
00:11:47,266 --> 00:11:49,018
I asked you to lunch 'cause I'm a fan.
271
00:11:49,102 --> 00:11:51,145
- This is a fan lunch, okay?
- Wow.
272
00:11:51,229 --> 00:11:53,189
The world loves you. I love you.
273
00:11:53,272 --> 00:11:56,734
You are a hilarious...
274
00:11:58,069 --> 00:12:00,655
- Comedian.
- [both laughing]
275
00:12:01,526 --> 00:12:03,116
So, you wanna represent me or...
276
00:12:03,126 --> 00:12:06,536
Are you kidding me?
I would murder that waiter,
277
00:12:06,619 --> 00:12:09,427
snapping his gay neck,
jamming that oyster fork
278
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:11,418
in both eyes to represent you.
279
00:12:11,428 --> 00:12:13,668
But Karen Grisham's booked.
Sorry. Got a full boat.
280
00:12:13,751 --> 00:12:16,337
- Ah.
- I got so many goddamn clients.
281
00:12:16,421 --> 00:12:17,781
- Yeah.
- And honestly,
282
00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:19,465
I just wanna be your friend, okay?
283
00:12:19,549 --> 00:12:21,884
When paparazzi chase you
arround the Trevi Fountain
284
00:12:21,968 --> 00:12:24,595
to get a shot of your rancid
snapper, I got your back.
285
00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:26,681
- That's so nice.
- I swear to God,
286
00:12:26,764 --> 00:12:30,476
I will airlift in one of those
Italian fucking scooter things.
287
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,043
What are they fucking called?
Ves... Uh...
288
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:34,564
- Ves... uh...
- Vespa.
289
00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:36,691
[both laughing]
290
00:12:36,774 --> 00:12:38,067
Okay, that's good.
291
00:12:38,151 --> 00:12:39,902
- [laughing]
- Oh, come on.
292
00:12:39,986 --> 00:12:41,487
You on a Vespa?
293
00:12:41,571 --> 00:12:43,531
Ok, that is my new favorite
image of all time.
294
00:12:43,614 --> 00:12:46,159
- I swear to God, that is good.
- [both laughing]
295
00:12:46,242 --> 00:12:48,327
- See? We're friends, right?
- Yeah, I know.
296
00:12:48,411 --> 00:12:50,496
You're riding tall on
the Vespa. I'm in...
297
00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:52,206
What the fuck's cunt is it called?
298
00:12:52,290 --> 00:12:54,000
The side thing, the, um...
299
00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:57,444
Attached to the motorcycle.
What the fuck! Oh, God.
300
00:12:57,454 --> 00:13:00,006
- Sidecar.
- [screaming and laughing]
301
00:13:00,089 --> 00:13:02,842
- Sidecar. You are a riot.
- Yeah.
302
00:13:02,925 --> 00:13:04,886
That's our inside joke.
303
00:13:04,969 --> 00:13:06,137
- It's ours. Okay?
- Okay.
304
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,473
- Vespa sidecar's you and me.
- [laughing] Okay.
305
00:13:08,556 --> 00:13:09,807
I adore you.
306
00:13:09,891 --> 00:13:12,351
God, I wish I could rep you.
307
00:13:12,435 --> 00:13:14,812
I... [laughing] Okay, wait. Now, stop.
308
00:13:14,896 --> 00:13:17,190
We're getting carried away. Honestly...
309
00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:19,608
I just wanna be your best friend. I do.
310
00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:22,820
Let me be your spirit guide
to the showbiz community.
311
00:13:22,904 --> 00:13:24,697
- I can do that for you.
- [bleating]
312
00:13:24,781 --> 00:13:27,811
Exactly, you have a manager.
I would never wanna poach you from...
313
00:13:27,821 --> 00:13:29,327
Who are you with?
314
00:13:29,410 --> 00:13:31,162
Bruce Ben-Bacharach. My manager.
315
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,956
Do me a favor. Don't tell
Bruce about this meeting.
316
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,708
- Oh, my gosh.
- He'll get threatened.
317
00:13:35,792 --> 00:13:38,002
I don't have time to
walk him off the ledge.
318
00:13:38,086 --> 00:13:40,421
I adore you. This has been a joy.
319
00:13:40,505 --> 00:13:43,216
- [laughing]
- This is unbelievable. I swear to God...
320
00:13:43,299 --> 00:13:46,219
- I haven't even had coffee.
- Want anything to order?
321
00:13:46,302 --> 00:13:47,478
I have another lunch.
322
00:13:47,488 --> 00:13:49,222
- [snapping fingers] John Cryer.
- Hi.
323
00:13:49,305 --> 00:13:50,723
- Karen Grisham.
- Okay.
324
00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:52,225
- Come here.
- [Maria] So great.
325
00:13:52,308 --> 00:13:54,936
- [Karen] Give me some sugar.
- Okay. Oh, sorry.
326
00:13:55,019 --> 00:13:56,729
- Okay.
- [John] Thank you.
327
00:13:56,813 --> 00:13:58,314
It'll be a private lunch.
328
00:13:58,397 --> 00:14:00,108
- Okay, sorry.
- Wanna take the chair?
329
00:14:00,191 --> 00:14:02,276
It'll be private.
No one else will barge in.
330
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,575
- Okay.
- All right, you be well.
331
00:14:05,613 --> 00:14:06,906
[Karen] Comedian. Very funny.
332
00:14:06,989 --> 00:14:08,366
I think. Never seen her work.
333
00:14:08,449 --> 00:14:11,077
- Congrats. You made the Grish-list.
- Oh.
334
00:14:15,957 --> 00:14:17,542
[engine revving]
335
00:14:19,669 --> 00:14:21,941
I'm happy with my representation.
336
00:14:22,141 --> 00:14:23,461
I'm sorry.
337
00:14:24,104 --> 00:14:26,500
- Read the note!
- Right.
338
00:14:26,510 --> 00:14:29,563
_
339
00:14:29,679 --> 00:14:32,188
- What...
- It's our joke!
340
00:14:32,198 --> 00:14:34,058
It's our private joke.
341
00:14:34,142 --> 00:14:36,310
[both laughing]
342
00:14:36,394 --> 00:14:38,312
- It's a Vespa.
- Right.
343
00:14:38,396 --> 00:14:40,565
- It's for you.
- [both laughing]
344
00:14:40,648 --> 00:14:43,657
- Okay, bye.
- Get on the fucking bike!
345
00:14:43,994 --> 00:14:46,279
- You're gonna ride it!
- [Maria] Okay.
346
00:14:46,717 --> 00:14:48,364
I have a car!
347
00:14:48,448 --> 00:14:49,907
I'll just leave it here.
348
00:14:49,991 --> 00:14:51,632
[door bell ringing]
349
00:14:51,826 --> 00:14:54,579
- Bruce. Hi.
- Karen Grisham had lunch with you
350
00:14:54,662 --> 00:14:56,647
You're friends with an inside joke.
351
00:14:56,789 --> 00:14:59,250
I was wondering if we could
have a discussion about that?
352
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:00,793
Yeah. Of course.
353
00:15:00,877 --> 00:15:04,964
So, what else did she say? And
don't leave out a single thing, okay?
354
00:15:05,047 --> 00:15:07,717
Well, uh, she says we're BFFs.
355
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,636
- [Bruce squealing]
- [both chuckling]
356
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,680
[continues squealing]
357
00:15:13,848 --> 00:15:15,892
I think she wants to represent you.
358
00:15:15,975 --> 00:15:18,186
Oh, no, she doesn't.
359
00:15:18,269 --> 00:15:23,149
She's very clear on that.
She just wants to be best friends.
360
00:15:23,159 --> 00:15:25,026
That sounds pretty good to me,
361
00:15:25,109 --> 00:15:26,861
You're my manager. That's all I need.
362
00:15:26,944 --> 00:15:28,529
Are you crazy?
363
00:15:28,613 --> 00:15:31,190
She's our only chance
at making real money.
364
00:15:31,281 --> 00:15:33,879
She doesn't wanna sign me.
I can't make her.
365
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,496
That's right. You can't.
366
00:15:36,621 --> 00:15:38,441
That's why I'm on the team.
367
00:15:38,956 --> 00:15:41,417
To beg somebody else to be on the team.
368
00:15:41,501 --> 00:15:44,504
Listen, you're a 36-year-old
sun-damaged actress
369
00:15:44,514 --> 00:15:45,796
with 8 cartoons on your resum?.
370
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,549
- That's a good point.
- Karen Grisham is a shark.
371
00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:52,136
Let me be the chum to drive
her to a frenzy of interest.
372
00:15:52,803 --> 00:15:54,805
Bruce, doesn't chum get devoured?
373
00:15:54,889 --> 00:15:57,725
[chuckling] Not smart chum.
374
00:15:57,808 --> 00:16:00,228
Speaking of which, come this way.
375
00:16:01,687 --> 00:16:04,273
I had a little bit of a
self-touching problem as a kid.
376
00:16:04,357 --> 00:16:07,610
So, my father insisted I have
hobbies where I work with my hands.
377
00:16:07,693 --> 00:16:10,238
- [Maria] Oh.
- Ta-da!
378
00:16:10,321 --> 00:16:13,115
Oh, Bruce, what did you do?
379
00:16:13,125 --> 00:16:15,451
I chummed it up! So, what do you think?
380
00:16:15,535 --> 00:16:19,621
[stutters] I was gonna return it.
Now it's all messed up.
381
00:16:19,631 --> 00:16:21,457
You've got solder all over it.
382
00:16:21,541 --> 00:16:24,418
That's not solder, those are
bits of flesh from my hand.
383
00:16:24,502 --> 00:16:25,992
- [sighing]
- Look...
384
00:16:26,002 --> 00:16:27,838
The reason I did this, was to say,
385
00:16:27,922 --> 00:16:30,007
"This can work." You know,
"This is harmony."
386
00:16:30,091 --> 00:16:33,010
Karen sits here, that's great.
That's Karen.
387
00:16:33,094 --> 00:16:34,428
Maximum respect.
388
00:16:34,512 --> 00:16:36,430
I am over here, at the end.
389
00:16:36,514 --> 00:16:38,683
Like Pluto, the most important planet.
390
00:16:38,766 --> 00:16:42,895
Not because it's in the center,
because it contains from the perimeter.
391
00:16:42,979 --> 00:16:45,439
I don't think that's how Karen saw it.
392
00:16:45,523 --> 00:16:48,568
Why don't we motor on over there
right now and we can show her?
393
00:16:48,651 --> 00:16:50,149
- She can see.
- [whispering] Okay.
394
00:16:50,159 --> 00:16:53,114
- Go ahead. Adopt the seat of command.
- Okay.
395
00:16:53,197 --> 00:16:57,118
You're the client, Karen's the agent,
I'm the manager. No one's left out!
396
00:17:05,418 --> 00:17:06,919
- [man] Hey!
- Hi!
397
00:17:08,212 --> 00:17:09,672
[man] Fucking idiots.
398
00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:14,076
Gotta admit it, Bruce, you got me
kind of excited to join Karen's flock.
399
00:17:14,086 --> 00:17:15,913
You and me, both.
400
00:17:16,804 --> 00:17:19,348
Take a hard left before
Beverly Hills Whale Oil!
401
00:17:19,432 --> 00:17:21,309
- [thud]
- [screeching]
402
00:17:21,392 --> 00:17:22,852
[Bruce exclaims]
403
00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:25,438
- Are you okay? Okay.
- Great!
404
00:17:25,521 --> 00:17:27,356
[screeching]
405
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,483
Great deal on whale oil!
406
00:17:29,609 --> 00:17:31,861
- [glass shattering]
- [explosions]
407
00:17:32,524 --> 00:17:33,779
[a splash]
408
00:17:34,405 --> 00:17:35,615
[upbeat music]
409
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,243
Life is all about connections.
410
00:17:39,327 --> 00:17:42,121
We're all in this world
together, connected.
411
00:17:42,204 --> 00:17:44,081
Walking each other home.
412
00:17:44,165 --> 00:17:46,500
[blows whistle] Hey!
413
00:17:46,584 --> 00:17:48,336
You're in the middle of our game!
414
00:17:48,419 --> 00:17:50,706
[Maria] I should respect that. Sorry.
415
00:17:51,817 --> 00:17:53,314
Hey! Oh, my God!
416
00:17:53,515 --> 00:17:55,254
Mark! Mark McGrath!
417
00:17:55,436 --> 00:17:56,677
Mark McGrath!
418
00:17:56,761 --> 00:17:59,472
- It's me, Maria!
- Oh, my God! Maria Bamford!
419
00:17:59,555 --> 00:18:01,077
So great to see you again.
420
00:18:01,087 --> 00:18:02,266
Parentheses, sarcasm.
421
00:18:02,350 --> 00:18:05,353
Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath,
Sorry about what I did to you.
422
00:18:05,363 --> 00:18:07,529
What did I do to you?
423
00:18:07,688 --> 00:18:09,444
Did we, you know...
424
00:18:09,454 --> 00:18:11,192
Did I disappoint you sexually?
425
00:18:11,275 --> 00:18:12,443
You, me?
426
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,528
- Yeah. [chuckling]
- You kidding me?
427
00:18:14,612 --> 00:18:16,322
I'm Mark McGrath!
428
00:18:16,405 --> 00:18:20,900
I can bone this entire waterpool team
with my hands tied behind my back!
429
00:18:20,910 --> 00:18:23,663
And that's how it would have
to happen. Because I'm straight.
430
00:18:23,746 --> 00:18:25,811
- Super straight!
- Okay.
431
00:18:25,993 --> 00:18:27,792
But your hair isn't that disgusting.
432
00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:29,168
- I guess.
- Aw.
433
00:18:29,251 --> 00:18:31,587
Thanks, Latrisse DuVois by Gary.
434
00:18:31,671 --> 00:18:32,880
Latrisse DuVois!
435
00:18:33,798 --> 00:18:36,842
You know what? You're right.
It doesn't matter what I did.
436
00:18:36,926 --> 00:18:38,160
Well, I'm not saying that.
437
00:18:38,170 --> 00:18:41,764
What matters is I hurt you
and I'm gonna make it up to you.
438
00:18:41,847 --> 00:18:43,974
I'm gonna make things right.
439
00:18:44,058 --> 00:18:47,086
I apologize...
440
00:18:47,096 --> 00:18:49,063
Come on, that's not
even the right melody.
441
00:18:49,073 --> 00:18:51,982
We couldn't afford the melody,
Mark, and you know it.
442
00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:53,859
I'm gonna make things right.
443
00:18:53,943 --> 00:18:55,565
Please, don't.
444
00:18:55,575 --> 00:18:56,990
I heard "please."
445
00:18:57,196 --> 00:18:59,365
And I know just the person to do it.
446
00:18:59,837 --> 00:19:01,721
Mark, you old such and such.
447
00:19:01,731 --> 00:19:03,169
Suck my dick, Bruce.
448
00:19:03,179 --> 00:19:06,247
You know, Mark, for a man
widely known as Sugar Ray,
449
00:19:06,372 --> 00:19:09,242
you are somewhat under-endowed
in sweetness. And neverless
450
00:19:09,252 --> 00:19:12,352
I have here with me
the one and only Maria Bamford.
451
00:19:12,596 --> 00:19:13,838
Hey, Mark.
452
00:19:13,921 --> 00:19:15,715
- Oh, God.
- Great news, Mark.
453
00:19:15,798 --> 00:19:18,217
Maria has agreed
to perform a stand-up benefit
454
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,636
for your Open Arms charity.
455
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,596
- Really?
- Yes, super really!
456
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,849
I didn't even know you had a charity,
457
00:19:24,932 --> 00:19:27,727
- but Bruce told me about it.
- Oh, big fan.
458
00:19:27,810 --> 00:19:31,188
Yeah, so Open Arms. Wow!
I'm all about that.
459
00:19:31,272 --> 00:19:34,775
Openness and engagement
and sometimes partying.
460
00:19:34,859 --> 00:19:37,361
And I thought we could
combine your charity
461
00:19:37,445 --> 00:19:39,864
with a block party to unveil my bench.
462
00:19:39,947 --> 00:19:41,991
Yes, two pelicans with one Miata!
463
00:19:42,074 --> 00:19:45,870
That sounds good.
A block party could be very cool.
464
00:19:45,953 --> 00:19:47,830
Indeed! And by the way, Mark...
465
00:19:47,913 --> 00:19:51,324
I'm so glad you answered the phone
466
00:19:51,987 --> 00:19:54,281
You're paying for that usage.
467
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:57,465
[Maria] Ok, Larissa. Time to start
earning that 35 bucks an hour.
468
00:19:57,548 --> 00:20:01,135
[in sing-song] For your first
assignment as my assistant...
469
00:20:01,218 --> 00:20:03,406
Could you make copies of
this for the block party?
470
00:20:03,416 --> 00:20:06,932
Make sure that Mark McGrath's
Open Arms charity logo is on it.
471
00:20:07,016 --> 00:20:09,685
I don't have a car.
Maybe Dagmar can do it.
472
00:20:09,769 --> 00:20:10,936
What?
473
00:20:10,946 --> 00:20:14,064
Can you make copies of this
flyer for the block party?
474
00:20:14,148 --> 00:20:17,234
- Open Arms?
- Yeah, it's Mark's charity.
475
00:20:17,318 --> 00:20:19,779
Open... Do you even know
what Open Arms is about?
476
00:20:19,862 --> 00:20:21,921
Children and hugging, I hope.
477
00:20:21,931 --> 00:20:23,866
No, no, no. Excuse me.
478
00:20:23,949 --> 00:20:26,452
They're lobbying to
change open carry laws,
479
00:20:26,535 --> 00:20:29,997
so people can go into Starbucks
with semi-automatic weapons.
480
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,165
- [Larissa gasps]
- Oh, no.
481
00:20:31,248 --> 00:20:32,541
- [Dagmar] Yes!
- No. Oh.
482
00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:35,169
Okay, I'm not carrying
a gun for you, okay?
483
00:20:35,252 --> 00:20:37,421
That's where I draw the line.
484
00:20:37,505 --> 00:20:42,176
- About Starbucks, I'd love a frapp?.
- [Maria] Bruce didn't say anything about guns.
485
00:20:42,259 --> 00:20:45,054
- [sighing] Bruce.
- Maybe I can make this work.
486
00:20:45,137 --> 00:20:47,598
This charity event is for
people speaking their minds,
487
00:20:47,681 --> 00:20:49,916
which I support,
even if I hate what they say.
488
00:20:49,926 --> 00:20:52,311
- And being open is good, right?
- [Larissa] Mmm.
489
00:20:52,394 --> 00:20:55,272
- Oh, God, yes!
- Your bicycle buddy's back.
490
00:20:56,607 --> 00:20:58,288
Thank you, Regina.
491
00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:00,486
Cop is there. Oh, jeez.
492
00:21:00,569 --> 00:21:03,113
- Larissa, assistance, please!
- [sighing]
493
00:21:03,123 --> 00:21:04,281
Larissa!
494
00:21:04,365 --> 00:21:06,408
- How's the new job going?
- Terrible.
495
00:21:06,492 --> 00:21:07,493
Okay.
496
00:21:07,503 --> 00:21:09,161
- Good evening, Maria.
- Hello, Officer.
497
00:21:09,245 --> 00:21:13,457
Okay, if you don't have
a permit for the bench...
498
00:21:13,541 --> 00:21:15,709
I'm gonna have to issue a bench warrant.
499
00:21:15,719 --> 00:21:18,016
Are you kidding me? Maria...
500
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:20,663
You'll have a red brick wall on stage.
501
00:21:20,673 --> 00:21:23,384
This is what I was telling you.
She's doing stand-up.
502
00:21:23,467 --> 00:21:27,221
Maria, you can't do stand-up.
We're really bummed out about it.
503
00:21:27,304 --> 00:21:28,430
Are you a cop?
504
00:21:28,514 --> 00:21:31,684
He's supposed to be...
This is the costume he puts together.
505
00:21:31,767 --> 00:21:33,769
Give me a break.
You gave me two hours' notice.
506
00:21:33,853 --> 00:21:35,855
I auditioned to be the love interest.
507
00:21:35,938 --> 00:21:37,565
I'm not gonna make out with anyone?
508
00:21:37,648 --> 00:21:39,149
Just don't do stand-up.
509
00:21:39,233 --> 00:21:40,526
I hear what you're saying.
510
00:21:40,609 --> 00:21:43,279
I was gonna use it to explain
why I went to Duluth.
511
00:21:43,362 --> 00:21:45,447
We show three different time periods.
512
00:21:45,531 --> 00:21:47,283
Not just when my career blew up,
513
00:21:47,366 --> 00:21:49,285
but also when I did.
514
00:21:49,368 --> 00:21:50,911
I don't wanna lose the audience.
515
00:21:50,995 --> 00:21:52,997
Make it look different.
516
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:57,501
Use color as a time signifier.
Mess with the saturation.
517
00:21:57,585 --> 00:21:59,795
- [buzzer]
- Okay. Oh, and get...
518
00:21:59,879 --> 00:22:03,132
a permit for that bench.
519
00:22:03,215 --> 00:22:05,297
- Yes.
- Is any of this usable?
520
00:22:06,427 --> 00:22:07,803
Too gray.
521
00:22:09,263 --> 00:22:10,732
Ew, too yellow.
522
00:22:11,557 --> 00:22:13,642
[gasping] More blue?
523
00:22:14,602 --> 00:22:17,730
[stammers] Less blue.
Split the difference.
524
00:22:19,273 --> 00:22:20,441
That's perfect.
525
00:22:20,524 --> 00:22:23,193
- You want blue? Here's a blue.
- Okay.
526
00:22:23,627 --> 00:22:27,364
Let's hear it for Maria,
who is lapping everyone
527
00:22:27,448 --> 00:22:29,444
with her fourth vision board.
528
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,786
Although, she does have
an advantage with her hypomania.
529
00:22:33,370 --> 00:22:35,456
Excuse me, Janice.
530
00:22:35,539 --> 00:22:37,916
I brought in the People
mag, Oscar issue,
531
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,794
and someone cut out all the Oscars.
532
00:22:41,378 --> 00:22:43,829
And now, I have no Oscars
for my vision board.
533
00:22:43,839 --> 00:22:46,884
We should all not hog the Oscars, Dan.
534
00:22:46,967 --> 00:22:50,137
Sorry my dreams are
inconvenient for you, Donna!
535
00:22:50,740 --> 00:22:54,340
Hey, whoa, Dan, Donna,
there's enough Oscars for everyone.
536
00:22:54,350 --> 00:22:56,477
Maria, there are not enough
Oscars for everyone,
537
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,399
as we tragicaly learn every year.
538
00:22:58,903 --> 00:23:00,553
[Dan] Donna used the glitter.
539
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,609
- The dirty cunt.
- [Donna gasps]
540
00:23:03,692 --> 00:23:06,445
Hey, we're all here to get along.
541
00:23:06,528 --> 00:23:08,456
No, Maria, we are not.
542
00:23:08,602 --> 00:23:10,532
We are all here to better ourselves,
543
00:23:10,616 --> 00:23:14,411
and sometimes that means
expressing your negative emotions.
544
00:23:14,495 --> 00:23:16,579
In a constructive way.
545
00:23:17,007 --> 00:23:21,669
Is there anyone in group who just...
who really chaps your crapper?
546
00:23:21,913 --> 00:23:25,589
- Anything.
- No! Everyone here is super nice.
547
00:23:26,715 --> 00:23:29,615
Well, that's something
that we need to work on.
548
00:23:30,010 --> 00:23:33,164
Because Donna is a straight-up "B."
549
00:23:33,472 --> 00:23:38,183
And Dan makes me wanna take
every pill in my desk drawer!
550
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,247
Do you see how easy that was to say?
551
00:23:47,695 --> 00:23:51,115
Duluth. The shining jewel
of the Gopher State.
552
00:23:51,198 --> 00:23:54,076
The second largest city
on Lake Superior shores.
553
00:23:54,159 --> 00:23:57,852
Home of the longest freshwater
sandbar in the world.
554
00:23:57,862 --> 00:24:02,123
But you can't get a drink here,
it's made of sand. Duluth.
555
00:24:14,627 --> 00:24:15,929
[sighing]
556
00:24:22,011 --> 00:24:24,688
Oh! How was your day, sweetie?
557
00:24:25,441 --> 00:24:26,942
I don't wanna go back.
558
00:24:27,025 --> 00:24:31,725
They're angry and they...
they want me to get angry. And...
559
00:24:32,781 --> 00:24:35,159
I'm not... [slurping]
560
00:24:35,242 --> 00:24:36,736
I'm not angry.
561
00:24:36,973 --> 00:24:38,873
How does that make you feel?
562
00:24:39,997 --> 00:24:41,165
Fine.
563
00:24:42,012 --> 00:24:44,293
Give it time. You'll get angry.
564
00:24:45,711 --> 00:24:46,837
Oh!
565
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:51,900
I gotta go see a man about a burrito.
566
00:24:51,910 --> 00:24:55,443
Joel, you cannot go out now.
Maria just got home.
567
00:24:55,607 --> 00:24:57,592
I thought we weren't gonna
treat her differently
568
00:24:57,602 --> 00:25:00,205
just because her frontal
lobe went on the fritz.
569
00:25:00,215 --> 00:25:02,019
[woman] Special delivery!
570
00:25:02,571 --> 00:25:05,773
[chuckling] One USDA Choice pug.
571
00:25:06,212 --> 00:25:08,734
You're welcome, Maria,
for taking such good care of him
572
00:25:08,817 --> 00:25:10,058
while you were in the loony bin.
573
00:25:10,068 --> 00:25:12,070
- [dog whimpering]
- What's that, Bert?
574
00:25:12,154 --> 00:25:14,901
Oh, you wanna stay with Mama Susan?
575
00:25:14,992 --> 00:25:16,656
Oh, that's not very nice, Bert.
576
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:20,370
She's not a mental veg on rye.
577
00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:22,372
Bert, I missed you so much.
578
00:25:22,382 --> 00:25:23,999
- [Susan] Here you go.
- [Maria pants]
579
00:25:24,082 --> 00:25:26,543
- [chuckling]
- Susan, you are so thoughtful.
580
00:25:26,553 --> 00:25:28,670
I don't know what Maria did
to get a friend like you.
581
00:25:28,754 --> 00:25:29,963
[chuckling]
582
00:25:29,973 --> 00:25:32,039
[Susan] I'm used to it.
583
00:25:32,049 --> 00:25:35,761
Ever since she tinkled on
the seat in kindergarten. [laughs]
584
00:25:35,844 --> 00:25:37,054
- Remember, Maria?
- Yes.
585
00:25:37,137 --> 00:25:38,212
- Remember?
- Yes.
586
00:25:38,222 --> 00:25:40,182
- [Susan] Do you?
- [Maria] I do.
587
00:25:40,516 --> 00:25:44,384
So, how was the lollipop factory,
Ms. Sylvia Plath Jr.?
588
00:25:44,394 --> 00:25:46,159
How was Janice today?
589
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:47,380
Oh!
590
00:25:48,023 --> 00:25:50,359
Is Janice still operating the group?
591
00:25:50,442 --> 00:25:53,195
- Yeah.
- Oh, she's a bit of a mess herself.
592
00:25:53,278 --> 00:25:55,489
She caught her sister
with her husband...
593
00:25:55,572 --> 00:25:57,585
in flagrante delicto.
594
00:25:57,694 --> 00:26:00,911
They were having sex right smack dab
in the middle of the living room
595
00:26:00,994 --> 00:26:02,496
in front of the Shih Tzus.
596
00:26:02,579 --> 00:26:04,013
Or were they Havanese?
597
00:26:04,023 --> 00:26:06,625
Well, either way, they were innocents.
598
00:26:06,635 --> 00:26:08,266
They didn't deserve that.
599
00:26:08,276 --> 00:26:10,963
I guess we all fall short
of the glory of God.
600
00:26:11,839 --> 00:26:13,590
Great therapist, though.
601
00:26:13,674 --> 00:26:16,718
Yeah, she's really funny.
602
00:26:16,802 --> 00:26:19,452
[Susan] I hope they can
shrink Maria's brain.
603
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,557
Isn't that funny?
604
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,935
All the fame and fortune
of Hollywood can't save you...
605
00:26:25,018 --> 00:26:27,104
if your brain done broke!
606
00:26:27,187 --> 00:26:28,689
[clock ticking]
607
00:26:31,859 --> 00:26:33,902
And how does that make you feel?
608
00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:38,196
Hungry.
609
00:26:40,617 --> 00:26:42,411
I'll get dinner then.
610
00:26:42,494 --> 00:26:44,079
[chuckles nervously]
611
00:26:44,162 --> 00:26:46,999
This is called truth badminton.
612
00:26:47,009 --> 00:26:51,921
Each player has to express a frustration
whenever you hit the birdie.
613
00:26:51,931 --> 00:26:53,333
All right, begin!
614
00:26:53,343 --> 00:26:54,894
You're weak!
615
00:26:54,904 --> 00:26:57,843
- You have interesting bangs.
- You're selfish!
616
00:26:59,136 --> 00:27:01,346
You have wonderful teeth!
617
00:27:01,430 --> 00:27:03,278
Say something angry!
618
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:05,100
That's a cute sweater!
619
00:27:05,183 --> 00:27:07,027
No one likes you!
620
00:27:07,037 --> 00:27:08,937
I do enjoy my time alone!
621
00:27:09,021 --> 00:27:10,992
You don't belong anywhere!
622
00:27:11,002 --> 00:27:14,999
At least my sister didn't give
my ex-husband a blowjob
623
00:27:15,009 --> 00:27:17,903
in front of my two underage Maltese!
624
00:27:20,784 --> 00:27:22,743
I'm so sorry. I'm so...
625
00:27:23,785 --> 00:27:25,120
Oh, God.
626
00:27:27,955 --> 00:27:29,557
They were Shih Tzus.
627
00:27:30,792 --> 00:27:32,311
[breath trembling]
628
00:27:32,438 --> 00:27:34,323
[chainsaw whirring]
629
00:27:35,547 --> 00:27:37,426
[Bruce] And stop. It's perfect.
630
00:27:37,436 --> 00:27:40,321
[Maria] I knew what it was like
to be ostracized by my community.
631
00:27:40,331 --> 00:27:42,743
And I wasn't gonna let
that happen again.
632
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,672
Bruce! What are you doing?
633
00:27:47,682 --> 00:27:48,977
[Bruce] Producing!
634
00:27:49,061 --> 00:27:51,563
You know, set dec, construction,
lighting, everything.
635
00:27:51,647 --> 00:27:54,232
Comedy festivals do not
appear out of thin air.
636
00:27:54,316 --> 00:27:57,402
This isn't a comedy festival.
It's a block party.
637
00:27:57,486 --> 00:28:00,614
- [Bruce] Caution, my queen.
- [Maria] Oh, jeez. Thank you.
638
00:28:00,624 --> 00:28:03,659
Neighbors are turning against me
because of the bench.
639
00:28:03,742 --> 00:28:06,161
[Bruce] Don't worry about anything.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
640
00:28:06,171 --> 00:28:08,006
Step into my office, okay?
641
00:28:09,289 --> 00:28:10,666
Maria!
642
00:28:10,749 --> 00:28:13,184
That belongs to Mr. Mark McGrath.
643
00:28:15,671 --> 00:28:16,995
[Bruce] I sense agitation.
644
00:28:17,005 --> 00:28:20,717
Look, Bruce, I can't do this.
Open Arms is open carry.
645
00:28:20,801 --> 00:28:22,040
Did you know this was?
646
00:28:22,050 --> 00:28:25,639
Well, I did not read the fine
print until yesterday afternoon.
647
00:28:25,722 --> 00:28:29,135
At that point, I was beyond
chagrin, so I hid from you.
648
00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:31,478
- Mostly in here.
- I don't know what to do.
649
00:28:31,561 --> 00:28:33,981
If I do do stand-up,
Patton will banish me
650
00:28:34,064 --> 00:28:35,732
from alternative comedy community.
651
00:28:35,816 --> 00:28:37,442
But if don't do stand-up,
652
00:28:37,526 --> 00:28:40,487
I let down my community and...
653
00:28:40,570 --> 00:28:42,007
Mark McGrath.
654
00:28:42,017 --> 00:28:43,893
Especially since we sold tickets.
655
00:28:44,908 --> 00:28:48,662
- You charged these people?
- Look, it was a square deal, Maria.
656
00:28:48,672 --> 00:28:50,956
With a wrist band,
they get an orange drink.
657
00:28:51,039 --> 00:28:54,074
People are really going to hate me.
658
00:28:54,084 --> 00:28:56,461
I get it, you're disappointed
in my performance.
659
00:28:56,545 --> 00:28:58,797
- No, no, no, no, no.
- It's a familiar shade for old Bruce.
660
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,257
- It's fine.
- No, Bruce...
661
00:29:00,340 --> 00:29:03,047
I just sunk a tremendous amount
of my own money into this.
662
00:29:03,057 --> 00:29:04,295
- That's all.
- Oh, God.
663
00:29:04,305 --> 00:29:06,096
I'm with you, no matter what.
664
00:29:06,179 --> 00:29:10,642
Totally! Because I am now,
and shall ever remain, your chum.
665
00:29:10,726 --> 00:29:12,185
[camera shutter clicking]
666
00:29:12,269 --> 00:29:13,562
[police radio chatter]
667
00:29:13,645 --> 00:29:15,147
I'll give it more thought.
668
00:29:15,230 --> 00:29:17,441
- That's all I'm asking.
- Okay.
669
00:29:17,524 --> 00:29:20,444
[Maria] I felt I owed it to
Mark to go ahead with the party.
670
00:29:20,527 --> 00:29:23,780
I didn't have to do stand-up,
I could tell stories from the heart.
671
00:29:23,864 --> 00:29:25,449
As long as I pulled
the neighborhood together,
672
00:29:25,532 --> 00:29:27,326
it would be a success.
673
00:29:27,409 --> 00:29:29,745
I'd like to introduce you
to a friend of mine,
674
00:29:29,870 --> 00:29:32,719
but instead here's Bruce Ben-Bacharach.
675
00:29:32,729 --> 00:29:35,042
- [scattered applause]
- [man] Orange drink sucks!
676
00:29:35,125 --> 00:29:36,822
[Bruce clearing throat]
677
00:29:36,832 --> 00:29:39,338
What Mark failed to mention is that
678
00:29:39,421 --> 00:29:43,021
VIP wrist bands are good
for only one orange drink.
679
00:29:43,267 --> 00:29:46,428
Please make sure to put all your
business cards into the fish bowl
680
00:29:46,511 --> 00:29:48,722
for the drawing of the
dual-action shotgun
681
00:29:48,805 --> 00:29:49,931
from Lil Slaughters.
682
00:29:50,015 --> 00:29:52,601
Lil Slaughters, let's do something
about mental illness.
683
00:29:52,684 --> 00:29:54,311
- Yeah!
- [gunshot]
684
00:29:54,394 --> 00:29:57,564
Now everybody, please
enjoy the hilarious comedy
685
00:29:57,647 --> 00:30:00,221
of the great Maria Bamford!
686
00:30:00,453 --> 00:30:01,553
[all cheering]
687
00:30:01,563 --> 00:30:03,695
Okay, um...
688
00:30:04,696 --> 00:30:08,200
Thank you so much.
Let's not call it comedy,
689
00:30:08,210 --> 00:30:10,410
let's call it neighbor talk.
690
00:30:10,494 --> 00:30:13,497
Oh, Christ. You weren't kidding.
691
00:30:13,622 --> 00:30:15,339
- She's gonna do stand-up.
- [Patton sighs]
692
00:30:15,349 --> 00:30:18,418
[Patton] Look at that brick
wall. Louis is gonna shit.
693
00:30:18,502 --> 00:30:21,213
Welcome to our first annual
neighborhood block party
694
00:30:21,223 --> 00:30:25,133
and Open Arms, open carry,
guns-for-everyone benefit.
695
00:30:25,217 --> 00:30:27,386
- [gunshot]
- Oh, God! Okay.
696
00:30:27,469 --> 00:30:29,679
I just think we could clap instead...
697
00:30:29,763 --> 00:30:30,972
- [gunshots]
- Oh, God! Okay.
698
00:30:30,982 --> 00:30:32,172
- [cheering]
- There's no need...
699
00:30:32,182 --> 00:30:33,183
- [gunshot]
- Oh!
700
00:30:33,266 --> 00:30:35,310
The point is, I am not doing comedy.
701
00:30:35,394 --> 00:30:39,356
I am trying to bring people together
because you mean so much to me.
702
00:30:39,439 --> 00:30:42,885
And, I really want to be a part
of this community,
703
00:30:42,895 --> 00:30:45,307
- I love... I love you.
- [guns cocking]
704
00:30:46,196 --> 00:30:47,322
Be funnier!
705
00:30:48,128 --> 00:30:50,755
- You really should try to be funnier.
- [whispering] Okay.
706
00:30:51,028 --> 00:30:52,285
Okay. Uh...
707
00:30:52,295 --> 00:30:55,038
- You guys thinking of shooting her?
- It's come up.
708
00:30:55,122 --> 00:30:56,429
We're kicking it around.
709
00:30:56,439 --> 00:30:58,967
A while back, I made a vision board.
710
00:30:58,977 --> 00:31:04,131
To manifest my need for community,
I cut out a picture of a park bench
711
00:31:04,214 --> 00:31:05,465
and I pasted that on there.
712
00:31:05,549 --> 00:31:07,175
Fuck this fuck bench!
713
00:31:07,259 --> 00:31:09,678
You're doing great! [laughing]
714
00:31:09,761 --> 00:31:12,514
What time is it? That's my eight hours.
715
00:31:12,524 --> 00:31:15,100
Okay, that's Oscar. [chuckling]
716
00:31:15,110 --> 00:31:18,097
He's one of the wonderful, angry...
717
00:31:18,395 --> 00:31:21,648
angry, wonderful people
in our neighborhood.
718
00:31:21,731 --> 00:31:23,024
What should I do, Patton?
719
00:31:23,108 --> 00:31:24,484
- Hands off the mic.
- Okay.
720
00:31:24,568 --> 00:31:26,951
[inhaling] Ladies and
gentlemen, Patton Oswalt!
721
00:31:26,961 --> 00:31:28,321
He can do comedy!
722
00:31:28,405 --> 00:31:30,006
- [cheering]
- He can do comedy!
723
00:31:30,016 --> 00:31:33,279
- [crowd whooping]
- Because it's not his show!
724
00:31:33,289 --> 00:31:34,810
[Mark] Thanks a lot.
725
00:31:34,820 --> 00:31:36,780
- Hey, guys.
- [gunshot]
726
00:31:36,981 --> 00:31:39,916
Well, I know a lot of
you guys are pissed off.
727
00:31:39,926 --> 00:31:42,169
I've been pissed off all day, you know?
728
00:31:42,252 --> 00:31:44,796
And here's the thing
about being pissed off
729
00:31:44,806 --> 00:31:47,299
is if you're really pissed off,
730
00:31:47,382 --> 00:31:49,005
the joke's probably on you.
731
00:31:49,015 --> 00:31:51,178
[all laughing]
732
00:31:53,022 --> 00:31:56,391
Oh, honey, wake up, wake up.
733
00:31:56,475 --> 00:31:58,643
[sighs] Your purple van's almost here.
734
00:31:58,727 --> 00:32:00,437
No, they're not coming.
735
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,439
They're never coming again.
736
00:32:02,449 --> 00:32:04,149
Not after badminton.
737
00:32:05,411 --> 00:32:07,777
[Patton] It doesn't matter
if you piss people off,
738
00:32:07,861 --> 00:32:11,116
what matters is the people
who show up after that.
739
00:32:11,126 --> 00:32:13,575
Those are the people to hang on to.
740
00:32:14,894 --> 00:32:16,244
They're here.
741
00:32:18,121 --> 00:32:20,499
I need my backpack!
742
00:32:24,211 --> 00:32:26,254
[Patton] Real friends
are always there for you.
743
00:32:26,338 --> 00:32:27,881
And you're there for them.
744
00:32:27,964 --> 00:32:30,008
With the exception of my friend Maria,
745
00:32:30,018 --> 00:32:33,261
who I don't know how much
longer I'm gonna be there for.
746
00:32:33,345 --> 00:32:35,138
- Guys, look...
- [Maria chuckles]
747
00:32:35,222 --> 00:32:38,391
So it looks like love isn't
gonna find me anytime soon.
748
00:32:38,475 --> 00:32:40,644
Or friendship and community.
749
00:32:40,727 --> 00:32:43,396
But you know what? I'm on a journey.
750
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:46,566
My show seems like it's
really finding its own voice.
751
00:32:46,650 --> 00:32:48,151
Hey, apropos of nothing,
752
00:32:48,235 --> 00:32:51,455
do you guys love or hate
the term "gun nuts"?
753
00:32:51,465 --> 00:32:53,177
- [bullet ricocheting]
- Okay.
754
00:32:53,490 --> 00:32:56,493
It's Patton's voice.
But he is very good.
755
00:32:56,576 --> 00:32:59,746
Express how you feel,
whether it's good or bad.
756
00:32:59,829 --> 00:33:04,125
And do not let people force you
to do what you don't wanna do!
757
00:33:04,209 --> 00:33:05,669
[woman] Like this bench!
758
00:33:05,752 --> 00:33:09,756
Yes, there you go! Thank you!
Don't get pissed off at each other.
759
00:33:09,839 --> 00:33:11,132
Get pissed off at the bench.
760
00:33:11,216 --> 00:33:13,718
- [all cheering]
- [woman] That's right!
761
00:33:14,154 --> 00:33:15,762
[man] Take down this wooden abortion.
762
00:33:15,845 --> 00:33:17,330
- Yeah!
- Come on!
763
00:33:17,549 --> 00:33:18,978
Whoo!
764
00:33:20,350 --> 00:33:21,939
[Maria] My bench!
765
00:33:21,949 --> 00:33:24,398
It's bringing people together!
766
00:33:24,543 --> 00:33:26,940
Vision board! [laughing]
767
00:33:29,401 --> 00:33:31,570
Boom! Manifested.
768
00:33:32,374 --> 00:33:34,463
I don't know what I'm doing
769
00:33:34,473 --> 00:33:35,740
[Maria] Yeah!
770
00:33:37,826 --> 00:33:40,537
More than half of the time
771
00:33:40,547 --> 00:33:42,789
[laughing] Good job.
772
00:33:44,082 --> 00:33:46,084
[upbeat music playing]
773
00:33:46,230 --> 00:33:49,954
Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~
774
00:33:50,004 --> 00:33:54,554
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
58993
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