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1
00:00:02,171 --> 00:00:04,671
_
2
00:00:05,219 --> 00:00:08,089
?
3
00:00:10,504 --> 00:00:12,168
_
4
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:13,500
So, how was your date last night?
5
00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:15,670
Ugh. Another guy turned out to be gay.
6
00:00:15,702 --> 00:00:17,371
Are you still using my Tinder account?
7
00:00:17,405 --> 00:00:20,198
I told you it's not like Hulu.
We can't share a subscription.
8
00:00:20,769 --> 00:00:23,043
Looks like Captain Dave is late again.
9
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:26,218
- Always does this.
- Then he waltzes in and says,
10
00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:28,146
"Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time."
11
00:00:28,179 --> 00:00:30,191
That's not a time zone; it's a tragedy.
12
00:00:31,029 --> 00:00:33,046
- [DAVE SIGHS]
- Oh, finally.
13
00:00:33,046 --> 00:00:35,201
Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time.
14
00:00:36,290 --> 00:00:38,183
- Well, see you later.
- H-Hold on.
15
00:00:38,217 --> 00:00:39,351
Why are you holding a bag
16
00:00:39,384 --> 00:00:40,787
like someone who's never held a bag before?
17
00:00:40,820 --> 00:00:42,122
DAVE: [SIGHS] All right.
18
00:00:42,155 --> 00:00:44,872
Truth is I've finally
found my Achilles' heel.
19
00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:48,214
It's my Achilles' wrist.
20
00:00:48,252 --> 00:00:50,072
- Ouch.
- Wait, it gets worse.
21
00:00:50,112 --> 00:00:52,581
- That's my high-fiving hand.
- What happened?
22
00:00:52,615 --> 00:00:55,136
I was walking down the street
and I saw some poor schlub
23
00:00:55,161 --> 00:00:57,030
trapped under a giant armoire.
24
00:00:57,105 --> 00:00:58,505
I knew my only two choices were
25
00:00:58,538 --> 00:01:00,007
to heroically lift the thing off him
26
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,109
or to cut his arm off with my pocketknife.
27
00:01:02,142 --> 00:01:04,477
So I summoned up all of my strength,
28
00:01:04,711 --> 00:01:07,415
but alas, my will was
stronger than my wrist.
29
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,992
Anyway, the important thing
is I'm all patched up now
30
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,727
- and ready to go.
- You can't fly.
31
00:01:11,804 --> 00:01:13,239
No, but until I can,
I'll have to settle for
32
00:01:13,272 --> 00:01:14,596
piloting a plane. Let's do it.
33
00:01:14,621 --> 00:01:16,757
- Dave.
- Oh, this is exactly why I was hiding it.
34
00:01:16,790 --> 00:01:18,759
I knew you two were
gonna be dicks about this.
35
00:01:18,793 --> 00:01:19,928
Sorry, got to call it in.
36
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,763
Come on, Bernie, you
can't ground this eagle.
37
00:01:21,796 --> 00:01:24,419
It needs to soar. You know I can do this.
38
00:01:26,069 --> 00:01:27,871
All right. Let's give it a try.
39
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:32,313
You know he's just calling
in a replacement, right?
40
00:01:32,314 --> 00:01:34,349
Yeah, I know. Can you
at least sign my cast?
41
00:01:34,382 --> 00:01:36,420
I have a date tonight and want
her to know I have friends.
42
00:01:37,484 --> 00:01:38,719
PILOT [OVER P.A.]: Jackpot Airlines.
43
00:01:38,752 --> 00:01:40,689
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
44
00:01:40,722 --> 00:01:42,558
?
45
00:01:42,591 --> 00:01:44,893
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING]
46
00:01:44,926 --> 00:01:47,395
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:01:47,429 --> 00:01:48,864
WOMAN [OVER P.A.]:
Attention all passengers,
48
00:01:48,897 --> 00:01:50,112
we are now boarding...
49
00:01:50,137 --> 00:01:51,867
Whoa, a bag!
50
00:01:51,899 --> 00:01:53,660
What's in them?
51
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:55,544
Uh, just some toys.
52
00:01:55,544 --> 00:01:58,080
Toys. That's fun. Can I look?
53
00:01:58,128 --> 00:02:00,182
Um, I just... oh.
54
00:02:00,214 --> 00:02:03,218
There is many games. You
know what game I like?
55
00:02:03,252 --> 00:02:05,955
The one about the hippos
that are so very hungry.
56
00:02:05,987 --> 00:02:09,157
- You know this game?
- Perhaps, not touch these.
57
00:02:09,299 --> 00:02:11,042
They're presents for my son's birthday.
58
00:02:11,042 --> 00:02:12,572
Birthday? Fun.
59
00:02:12,839 --> 00:02:14,241
You know, at my club Grapefruits,
60
00:02:14,275 --> 00:02:16,143
birthday boys get half off lap dances.
61
00:02:16,176 --> 00:02:17,912
Dads pay full price to watch, though.
62
00:02:17,944 --> 00:02:19,122
He's three.
63
00:02:19,512 --> 00:02:21,381
He is three or he's turning three?
64
00:02:22,415 --> 00:02:24,352
I think I'm gonna go
through security again.
65
00:02:24,385 --> 00:02:26,927
Just... for fun.
66
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:31,404
On my third birthday, I
dig hole for swimming pool.
67
00:02:31,437 --> 00:02:35,385
On my fourth birthday, I
find out it's mass grave.
68
00:02:40,874 --> 00:02:42,340
You know what? You should tell him.
69
00:02:42,340 --> 00:02:44,152
- Bad news sounds better coming from you.
- Okay.
70
00:02:44,152 --> 00:02:47,756
So, Judases, did you find my replacement?
71
00:02:47,789 --> 00:02:48,795
Ronnie?
72
00:02:50,243 --> 00:02:54,029
Yes, we did, but you
are not going to like it.
73
00:02:54,061 --> 00:02:55,529
What? Who is it?
74
00:02:55,563 --> 00:02:58,533
["ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE"
BY SCORPIONS PLAYING]
75
00:02:59,214 --> 00:03:02,127
? Here I am ?
76
00:03:02,127 --> 00:03:04,796
? Rock you like a hurricane ?
77
00:03:06,498 --> 00:03:08,834
? Here I am. ?
78
00:03:08,947 --> 00:03:10,581
Captain Steve.
79
00:03:10,798 --> 00:03:12,134
Captain Dave.
80
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,088
Looks like I'll be taking
over the reins this weekend.
81
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,896
Tough break on that wrist.
82
00:03:18,921 --> 00:03:20,222
I'd say, "No pun intended,"
83
00:03:20,255 --> 00:03:21,794
but I knew what I was doing.
84
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,661
And this must be my new flight crew.
85
00:03:24,693 --> 00:03:26,458
Good-looking pair. You got names?
86
00:03:26,459 --> 00:03:28,428
- I'm Bernard.
- I'm Ronnie. Hi.
87
00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:30,329
Is it suddenly very hot in here?
88
00:03:30,363 --> 00:03:31,364
[WHISPERS]: It is.
89
00:03:31,396 --> 00:03:32,698
Oh, hey, Dave, didn't see you there.
90
00:03:32,732 --> 00:03:33,865
You just said hello to me.
91
00:03:33,899 --> 00:03:34,866
Heard about the divorce.
92
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:36,436
How many is that for you? Four?
93
00:03:36,469 --> 00:03:38,304
Excuse me, try three.
94
00:03:38,336 --> 00:03:40,173
It seems no woman could ever understand
95
00:03:40,205 --> 00:03:41,673
I'm married to the sky.
96
00:03:41,707 --> 00:03:43,976
- I'm married to a model.
- A catalog model.
97
00:03:44,008 --> 00:03:45,310
Internet catalog model.
98
00:03:45,344 --> 00:03:46,846
The whole future, it's all online.
99
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:48,180
- So true.
- Blogs.
100
00:03:48,214 --> 00:03:50,049
What are you even doing
here? You don't fly domestic.
101
00:03:50,082 --> 00:03:51,283
[LAUGHS]: No.
102
00:03:51,317 --> 00:03:53,286
The international skies are my playground.
103
00:03:53,605 --> 00:03:55,887
Then I got this call, and I
figured it'd be a great way
104
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,183
to get back to my roots, my American roots.
105
00:03:58,208 --> 00:03:59,472
God, I love this country.
106
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:00,745
Well, I'll be back in action any day,
107
00:04:00,776 --> 00:04:01,943
so don't get too comfortable.
108
00:04:01,971 --> 00:04:03,105
I'll try, but you know me,
109
00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:04,240
I'm comfortable anywhere.
110
00:04:04,273 --> 00:04:06,295
I exclusively use public restrooms.
111
00:04:11,158 --> 00:04:14,016
Yeah. I'm always looking
for the next big thing.
112
00:04:14,050 --> 00:04:16,353
I mean, landing on water, it's been done.
113
00:04:16,416 --> 00:04:17,794
Sully did it.
114
00:04:17,819 --> 00:04:20,942
So I was thinking, what's the
next thing we should land on?
115
00:04:21,702 --> 00:04:24,407
I say... the sky.
116
00:04:25,127 --> 00:04:26,795
I have no idea what that means,
117
00:04:26,829 --> 00:04:28,878
- but I like how close I feel to you.
- [DOOR OPENS]
118
00:04:29,999 --> 00:04:31,996
- Hey, fellas.
- Captain Dave.
119
00:04:31,996 --> 00:04:33,698
How are things going in my cockpit?
120
00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:35,867
Great. Captain Steve
let me wear his jacket.
121
00:04:35,892 --> 00:04:38,001
Look how floppy my arms are.
122
00:04:38,205 --> 00:04:40,227
Shouldn't you be at home
resting up that wrist?
123
00:04:40,256 --> 00:04:42,577
Not that I'd know... I've
never broken anything.
124
00:04:43,111 --> 00:04:45,772
- Except a few hearts.
- [LAUGHS] I can believe it.
125
00:04:45,772 --> 00:04:47,695
I thought I should fly with
you this weekend, you know,
126
00:04:47,695 --> 00:04:49,452
in case you had any questions or you died.
127
00:04:50,438 --> 00:04:52,514
I'll just third-wheel it in the jump seat.
128
00:04:52,514 --> 00:04:56,218
Oh. Yeah. Sorry, the jump
seat's occupied by my copilot.
129
00:04:57,789 --> 00:04:59,867
A 200-pound kettlebell?
130
00:04:59,929 --> 00:05:01,564
Great. That's embarrassing.
131
00:05:01,596 --> 00:05:03,497
Now everybody knows how much I lift!
132
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,939
[EXHALES] Anyway, you can fly with us,
133
00:05:05,964 --> 00:05:07,886
but you're gonna have to ride in the cabin.
134
00:05:07,917 --> 00:05:09,001
The cabin?
135
00:05:09,002 --> 00:05:11,956
You want me to sit in
that flying refugee camp?
136
00:05:15,245 --> 00:05:17,415
They made these tickets way too cheap.
137
00:05:21,752 --> 00:05:23,287
- Right there.
- COLIN: I'm so sorry,
138
00:05:23,319 --> 00:05:24,434
those seats are taken.
139
00:05:24,441 --> 00:05:26,777
Maybe just find two other seats?
140
00:05:26,802 --> 00:05:29,133
Yeah, okay. Ah, sorry.
141
00:05:32,008 --> 00:05:35,178
- Your pants are on fire.
- Sorry?
142
00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,845
Oh, my God, you just lied to them.
143
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:38,914
Well, yeah, clearly.
They're both very shady.
144
00:05:39,481 --> 00:05:41,050
And also, I'm kind of preoccupied
145
00:05:41,082 --> 00:05:43,046
with finalizing my son's birthday party.
146
00:05:43,185 --> 00:05:44,295
He's turning three.
147
00:05:44,295 --> 00:05:46,264
Oh. That's a cute age...
148
00:05:46,298 --> 00:05:48,350
is something people say, right?
149
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:49,706
I don't know anything about kids.
150
00:05:49,706 --> 00:05:52,042
It's his first birthday since
his mother and I separated,
151
00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:54,215
and I think I've rather outdone myself.
152
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:56,547
Check out the play gym I've booked.
153
00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:58,712
Now, there's a puppy playpen,
154
00:05:58,738 --> 00:06:01,052
a cake pit, and all the princesses
155
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:03,786
are actual descendants of exiled royalty.
156
00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:06,390
Wow, that sounds a lot better
than my third birthday party.
157
00:06:06,423 --> 00:06:07,725
God, what a disaster.
158
00:06:07,758 --> 00:06:09,058
You remember your third birthday?
159
00:06:09,092 --> 00:06:10,527
Only 'cause my mom taped it.
160
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,363
Then the tape was later used in the trial.
161
00:06:12,395 --> 00:06:14,518
It was also the first
time I smoked Marlboro Red.
162
00:06:16,457 --> 00:06:17,820
My family was a little trashy.
163
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:19,168
I grew up near Bakersfield.
164
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,038
Our town mayor was a Harley-Davidson.
165
00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,112
Sleep when you're on the ground.
166
00:06:31,113 --> 00:06:32,856
You're in the air, for God's sake.
167
00:06:33,182 --> 00:06:34,609
Show some respect.
168
00:06:35,017 --> 00:06:37,286
Are you seriously gonna fly
back and forth all weekend
169
00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:38,630
just to keep an eye on him?
170
00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:41,114
- You have a better idea?
- Yes. Don't.
171
00:06:41,366 --> 00:06:43,045
- You don't know.
- [SIGHS]
172
00:06:46,471 --> 00:06:48,149
- [AIR HISSING]
- What's with this thing?
173
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,785
If it's off, it's too hot.
If it's on, it dries my eyes.
174
00:06:53,812 --> 00:06:56,122
You people live like animals!
175
00:06:57,552 --> 00:06:59,483
DAVE: Thanks for all your
help with Captain Steve.
176
00:06:59,508 --> 00:07:01,544
- What the hell happened to you?
- I couldn't help it.
177
00:07:01,578 --> 00:07:04,715
I'm very single, and that
silver fox has a strong back
178
00:07:04,747 --> 00:07:06,683
and could probably carry me across a river.
179
00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:09,820
Be a modern woman and carry
yourself across a river, Ronnie.
180
00:07:09,852 --> 00:07:11,855
I don't understand. What
is your problem with him?
181
00:07:11,888 --> 00:07:13,857
He thinks he's so much better than me
182
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,059
just because he finished
first in our flight class,
183
00:07:16,093 --> 00:07:18,518
and beat me out for
the international route,
184
00:07:18,543 --> 00:07:22,048
and won Jackpot's Sexiest
Pilot award six years in a row,
185
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,350
despite me killing it
in the talent category.
186
00:07:25,384 --> 00:07:26,686
[IMITATES TRAIN CHUGGING]
187
00:07:26,694 --> 00:07:27,939
[IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE]
188
00:07:27,964 --> 00:07:30,500
Oh, Dave. Nobody wanted to see
your Magic Mike routine.
189
00:07:30,897 --> 00:07:32,922
Yeah, that was all Mike and no magic.
190
00:07:33,168 --> 00:07:34,870
This was the one place where I didn't feel
191
00:07:34,904 --> 00:07:36,339
like I was in Captain Steve's shadow.
192
00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,186
Well, I'm not letting him
take that from me, too.
193
00:07:38,474 --> 00:07:41,143
I can fly this plane, and I'll prove it.
194
00:07:41,177 --> 00:07:42,813
How many push-ups you want to see me do?
195
00:07:42,846 --> 00:07:44,281
- 600.
- None.
196
00:07:44,314 --> 00:07:45,543
[DAVE SHOUTS]
197
00:07:45,752 --> 00:07:46,886
One!
198
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,065
[PANTING]: Okay.
199
00:07:48,588 --> 00:07:50,658
I can't do a push-up,
but my wrist is fine.
200
00:07:50,966 --> 00:07:52,501
It can do everything it used to do.
201
00:07:52,725 --> 00:07:54,997
I can do the Dirty Dancing lift.
202
00:07:55,135 --> 00:07:57,653
Bernard, run to me!
203
00:07:59,373 --> 00:08:00,508
No.
204
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:02,810
Dave, go home. Get some rest.
205
00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:07,924
Nobody puts Bernard in a corner.
206
00:08:10,229 --> 00:08:12,255
STEVE: Welcome to Las Vegas.
207
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,150
[PASSENGERS CHEERING]
208
00:08:14,635 --> 00:08:16,193
- Hi. Thank you.
- Hi.
209
00:08:16,193 --> 00:08:17,908
Oh, that landing touched me.
210
00:08:19,029 --> 00:08:21,687
Did we land? I didn't feel
the wheels touch the ground.
211
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:24,456
I know. Usually, I have to
take pills to feel this way.
212
00:08:24,456 --> 00:08:26,271
And don't forget who gave you those pills.
213
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:32,904
So, what'd you think of
the L.A. to Vegas flight?
214
00:08:33,078 --> 00:08:34,387
Pretty boring, right?
215
00:08:34,387 --> 00:08:36,324
You should probably get
back to your old route now.
216
00:08:36,356 --> 00:08:38,024
Actually, it was kind of a nice break
217
00:08:38,057 --> 00:08:40,060
from the spotlight of
the international route.
218
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,562
I've already conquered that.
219
00:08:42,595 --> 00:08:44,238
It's probably time to
conquer something new.
220
00:08:44,463 --> 00:08:46,515
Like when Nicole Kidman does TV.
221
00:08:47,975 --> 00:08:48,968
Yeah.
222
00:08:50,916 --> 00:08:52,902
I could see myself doing this full-time.
223
00:08:56,095 --> 00:08:57,822
Captain Steve is moving into my route.
224
00:08:58,263 --> 00:08:59,694
We got to do something to stop him.
225
00:08:59,694 --> 00:09:02,264
- What do you expect us to do?
- I don't know. Something!
226
00:09:02,582 --> 00:09:04,217
The alternative is he replaces me.
227
00:09:04,247 --> 00:09:06,145
We can't let that happen. We're a team.
228
00:09:06,409 --> 00:09:07,781
Think about all our history.
229
00:09:07,944 --> 00:09:09,212
Your first week on the job,
230
00:09:09,244 --> 00:09:10,727
when you forgot to lock the exit door,
231
00:09:10,752 --> 00:09:12,848
who blamed the ground crew
and got that guy fired?
232
00:09:12,895 --> 00:09:14,264
Yeah, but I felt so guilty afterwards,
233
00:09:14,297 --> 00:09:15,799
I had to date him for six months.
234
00:09:15,832 --> 00:09:17,770
So I got you laid, too. And, Bernie,
235
00:09:17,770 --> 00:09:19,338
we've been together for
years. We're like brothers.
236
00:09:19,370 --> 00:09:20,606
You came out to me.
237
00:09:20,639 --> 00:09:22,441
Uh, no. You just flat-out asked.
238
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:24,577
Your exact words were, "Gay, right?"
239
00:09:24,610 --> 00:09:27,145
The point is that we
look out for each other.
240
00:09:27,178 --> 00:09:29,558
That's why you got to help
me. You got to help me.
241
00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:31,566
What do you think?
242
00:09:32,233 --> 00:09:34,384
Well, right now, all I can think about
243
00:09:34,409 --> 00:09:36,355
is how good Captain Steve smells.
244
00:09:36,355 --> 00:09:38,223
Does anyone know what that is?
245
00:09:38,991 --> 00:09:40,961
It's a pamplemousse facial scrub.
246
00:09:41,826 --> 00:09:43,710
Not available in the States.
247
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:49,336
Don't get me wrong, I
want to help Dave, I do.
248
00:09:49,369 --> 00:09:51,538
But would it really be the
worst thing in the world
249
00:09:51,572 --> 00:09:53,173
if Steve was our new boss?
250
00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:55,509
It's probably less work for
us. We wouldn't have to babysit.
251
00:09:55,542 --> 00:09:57,420
I mean, he's actually
got a life off the plane.
252
00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:59,255
Yeah, he doesn't want
to waste time with us.
253
00:09:59,287 --> 00:10:01,323
He's got a catalog model to go home to.
254
00:10:01,357 --> 00:10:02,791
He just clocks in, clocks out.
255
00:10:02,824 --> 00:10:04,960
Imagine working for a
pilot who says "thank you"
256
00:10:04,993 --> 00:10:07,129
every once in a while,
and doesn't make us check
257
00:10:07,162 --> 00:10:08,897
his hair for grays before each flight.
258
00:10:08,930 --> 00:10:11,408
What are you complaining about?
You only have to check his head.
259
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,047
[PHONE RINGING]
260
00:10:16,544 --> 00:10:17,568
Colin?
261
00:10:17,624 --> 00:10:19,559
COLIN: Oh, thank God
you answered. Ronnie,
262
00:10:19,598 --> 00:10:20,973
it's all coming apart. The universe
263
00:10:21,007 --> 00:10:22,643
is getting back at me for my hubris.
264
00:10:22,676 --> 00:10:25,211
I had a petard, and
I've been hoisted by it.
265
00:10:25,244 --> 00:10:26,413
Colin, you're using
high-scoring Scrabble words.
266
00:10:26,446 --> 00:10:27,980
I don't know what you're saying.
267
00:10:28,014 --> 00:10:30,484
I'm talking about the play gym
I booked for my son's party.
268
00:10:30,517 --> 00:10:32,219
It's been shut down.
269
00:10:32,405 --> 00:10:34,808
An anti-vaxxer held a party, I don't know,
270
00:10:34,841 --> 00:10:36,811
something about a long-dormant supervirus.
271
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,579
It's a disaster.
272
00:10:38,611 --> 00:10:41,581
- Okay, just calm down.
- I can't calm down.
273
00:10:41,615 --> 00:10:43,918
I'm holding a party
tomorrow for 24 children.
274
00:10:43,951 --> 00:10:46,220
I've got nowhere to throw it. I need help.
275
00:10:46,253 --> 00:10:47,549
I know it's weird I'm calling you.
276
00:10:47,597 --> 00:10:49,566
You're the only person
I know in Las Vegas.
277
00:10:49,598 --> 00:10:52,334
Well, not the only person.
278
00:10:52,367 --> 00:10:54,570
[TIRES SCREECH]
279
00:10:54,832 --> 00:10:55,905
Hey!
280
00:10:55,938 --> 00:10:58,241
Ronnie says you need help throwing party
281
00:10:58,274 --> 00:10:59,876
to buy your son's love.
282
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,644
- Ronnie called you?
- Yeah.
283
00:11:01,676 --> 00:11:05,047
And Artem is big helper.
Hop in. I have candy.
284
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:08,508
Oh, no. You want me to
get in this? With you?
285
00:11:08,599 --> 00:11:10,962
Yeah, don't worry, it's not even my van.
286
00:11:13,146 --> 00:11:16,250
Let's just say, for a
minute, we actually considered
287
00:11:16,297 --> 00:11:18,767
lodging a fake complaint
against Captain Steve.
288
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,118
What could we possibly say
that would make a difference?
289
00:11:21,119 --> 00:11:22,488
We'll just say he grabbed my ass.
290
00:11:22,521 --> 00:11:25,099
Um, if he's grabbing
anybody's ass, it's mine.
291
00:11:25,331 --> 00:11:27,101
Please. Have you seen your ass?
292
00:11:27,101 --> 00:11:28,402
Because I haven't.
293
00:11:28,434 --> 00:11:30,971
- He's not even gay.
- I transcend sexuality.
294
00:11:31,005 --> 00:11:32,644
Do you know how many pilots I've turned?
295
00:11:32,644 --> 00:11:34,780
- Shut up. Like who?
- You'd be surprised.
296
00:11:34,822 --> 00:11:36,991
The drink carts aren't the
only things that go both ways.
297
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,284
Um, sorry to interrupt,
298
00:11:40,318 --> 00:11:42,418
but don't you think you
guys should be working?
299
00:11:44,677 --> 00:11:47,212
It's the Saturday afternoon
flight from Vegas to L.A.
300
00:11:47,245 --> 00:11:49,615
- There's nothing to do.
- Yeah.
301
00:11:49,648 --> 00:11:52,231
See, it's that attitude that makes you both
302
00:11:52,666 --> 00:11:54,786
such remarkable failures.
303
00:11:55,731 --> 00:11:58,033
I demand excellence every
moment you're on this plane.
304
00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:00,201
Right, but, Steve, there's literally...
305
00:12:00,235 --> 00:12:03,506
Uh, sorry. "Steve"?
Try "Captain," or "sir."
306
00:12:04,369 --> 00:12:07,332
I don't know how you got away
with this garbage before, but...
307
00:12:08,393 --> 00:12:09,586
it ends now.
308
00:12:11,353 --> 00:12:12,803
Can you believe that?
309
00:12:12,842 --> 00:12:14,242
Who the hell does he think he is?
310
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:15,845
I'm gonna march right into that cockpit
311
00:12:15,878 --> 00:12:17,380
and make him grab my ass.
312
00:12:18,281 --> 00:12:20,483
[LIVELY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
313
00:12:21,748 --> 00:12:22,933
COLIN: Wow.
314
00:12:22,933 --> 00:12:24,336
This place is really impressive.
315
00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:26,263
Yeah, business is good, eh, Farley?
316
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:29,215
Yeah, man, things have
blown up for us, ever since
317
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:32,508
that Stranger Things kid
nailed a paparazzo with his scooter.
318
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,433
Follow me.
319
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:39,325
So you need something for
tomorrow morning, 20 heads.
320
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:40,894
What's the
chick-to-stick raish?
321
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,196
- I'm so sorry, the...?
- Girl to guy. Girl to guy ratio.
322
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,498
We like to keep it three to one.
323
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,032
Oh, I-I think it's about even.
324
00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,535
Oof, you're lucky Artem's a friend.
325
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,804
So, tomorrow is going to be lit!
326
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,056
Egypt Keys-Beatz is hosting.
327
00:12:53,087 --> 00:12:56,989
Bottle service only. Let's
say, uh, ten of the magnums?
328
00:12:57,484 --> 00:13:00,029
Also, you're gonna want the
table out by the ball pit.
329
00:13:00,054 --> 00:13:01,792
- That's where it all goes down.
- Okay.
330
00:13:02,357 --> 00:13:04,873
Uh, what is that? VIP?
331
00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:07,844
Peanut allergy. So, with
the bottles, the table,
332
00:13:07,878 --> 00:13:10,248
and of course the party
favors... [CLICKS TONGUE]
333
00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:13,467
Why is he winking? We
really do need party favors.
334
00:13:13,528 --> 00:13:16,156
Your total comes out to $8,000.
335
00:13:16,444 --> 00:13:17,980
- What?
- That is good price.
336
00:13:18,013 --> 00:13:20,219
No, no, no, no. There's
no way I can afford that.
337
00:13:20,449 --> 00:13:23,123
Look, I want this to be special
for my son, but I'm on a budget.
338
00:13:23,243 --> 00:13:26,613
What can I get for $400?
339
00:13:26,981 --> 00:13:30,546
I paid $400 to get back
to exactly where I started.
340
00:13:30,885 --> 00:13:32,860
Welcome to Las Vegas!
341
00:13:40,518 --> 00:13:42,477
Oh, we have to do something
about Captain Steve.
342
00:13:42,477 --> 00:13:44,578
But first, which one of us
is more sexually harass-able?
343
00:13:44,612 --> 00:13:46,492
Before you answer,
consider my bedroom eyes.
344
00:13:47,314 --> 00:13:49,083
Relax. Don't pop a contact.
345
00:13:49,555 --> 00:13:51,391
Steve is going to make our lives hell
346
00:13:51,424 --> 00:13:53,438
if he takes over this
route. We have to stop him.
347
00:13:53,438 --> 00:13:54,740
We're thinking smear campaign.
348
00:13:54,997 --> 00:13:56,464
Same thing we did with Klepto-Kathy,
349
00:13:56,497 --> 00:13:58,132
although we may have
jumped the gun on that one.
350
00:13:58,132 --> 00:13:59,500
Well, just because we found my bracelet
351
00:13:59,532 --> 00:14:01,201
doesn't mean she didn't want to steal it.
352
00:14:01,234 --> 00:14:03,023
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's slow down here.
353
00:14:03,261 --> 00:14:06,265
We can't just go around
besmirching Steve's reputation.
354
00:14:06,297 --> 00:14:08,666
What? This was your idea.
Where is this coming from?
355
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,095
And when did you learn "besmirch"?
356
00:14:10,118 --> 00:14:11,920
All I'm saying, we should
consider our options
357
00:14:11,953 --> 00:14:13,522
before crucifying him.
358
00:14:13,555 --> 00:14:15,123
Corporate said Dave
could have Steve's route
359
00:14:15,156 --> 00:14:17,025
- if Steve took Dave's route.
- Damn it, Alan.
360
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,526
- What?
- All right.
361
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,895
I called corporate to ask, hypothetically,
362
00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:21,763
if Captain Steve took L.A. to Vegas,
363
00:14:21,796 --> 00:14:24,065
could I take international,
and they were on board.
364
00:14:24,099 --> 00:14:27,384
So when it was your job on
the line, you needed our help,
365
00:14:27,439 --> 00:14:28,940
but now that it's ours,
366
00:14:28,973 --> 00:14:30,475
- you don't care.
- Don't you understand?
367
00:14:30,509 --> 00:14:32,832
This international route
would be huge for me.
368
00:14:32,832 --> 00:14:34,663
I need this. Just look at me.
369
00:14:34,911 --> 00:14:36,091
Look at my wrist.
370
00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:38,227
We're supposed to be
cool with you screwing us,
371
00:14:38,261 --> 00:14:40,788
just because you couldn't
help some guy under an armoire?
372
00:14:40,788 --> 00:14:42,757
No. You should be cool with
it because I was the guy
373
00:14:42,791 --> 00:14:44,026
under the armoire.
374
00:14:44,681 --> 00:14:46,028
I was the one I couldn't help.
375
00:14:46,254 --> 00:14:47,657
- What?
- You own an armoire?
376
00:14:47,690 --> 00:14:49,659
I bought it. And I was moving it back
377
00:14:49,692 --> 00:14:51,860
to my place when it tipped over on me.
378
00:14:52,107 --> 00:14:54,589
I was trapped underneath of it for hours.
379
00:14:55,637 --> 00:14:58,172
Hours. When I picked it up
from that Craigslist perv,
380
00:14:58,206 --> 00:15:00,274
he even said to me, "Don't you have someone
381
00:15:00,307 --> 00:15:01,727
to help you move this?" But I didn't.
382
00:15:02,243 --> 00:15:04,679
Because the truth is I
have no one in my life
383
00:15:04,711 --> 00:15:07,485
to help me move a gorgeous
piece of antique furniture.
384
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:10,165
So am I being a little selfish?
385
00:15:10,625 --> 00:15:11,572
Yes.
386
00:15:12,547 --> 00:15:16,245
But when you're a guy stuck
moving armoires alone...
387
00:15:17,441 --> 00:15:19,388
you get to be selfish.
388
00:15:19,421 --> 00:15:20,799
[SIGHS]
389
00:15:21,594 --> 00:15:23,155
What's a armoire?
390
00:15:24,031 --> 00:15:25,505
What are we doing here?
391
00:15:25,505 --> 00:15:27,136
We still haven't found
a place for the party.
392
00:15:27,136 --> 00:15:28,606
We'll find place.
393
00:15:28,638 --> 00:15:31,942
For now, we focus on entertainment.
394
00:15:31,976 --> 00:15:34,478
COLIN: You think this is the
place for the entertainment?
395
00:15:34,511 --> 00:15:36,981
- Yeah.
- I... O-Okay.
396
00:15:37,013 --> 00:15:38,148
? I like your body, girl ?
397
00:15:38,181 --> 00:15:40,183
? Seen you up in
this party, girl ?
398
00:15:40,217 --> 00:15:41,319
? The way you move
is hypnotic... ?
399
00:15:41,352 --> 00:15:42,786
- Hi!
- Mm!
400
00:15:43,226 --> 00:15:45,696
It's so fun when my friends come by.
401
00:15:45,729 --> 00:15:48,104
My family almost never
comes to visit me at work.
402
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:49,485
I'm sorry, did you
say "almost never"?
403
00:15:49,518 --> 00:15:51,488
And don't worry, you
came to the right place.
404
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:52,955
We have so many talented ladies
405
00:15:52,989 --> 00:15:54,591
who want to help with this party.
406
00:15:54,624 --> 00:15:55,836
Girls?
407
00:15:55,865 --> 00:15:57,942
- MAN: Next to the stage...
- This is Staci.
408
00:15:57,984 --> 00:16:00,353
She makes awesome balloon
animals out of condoms.
409
00:16:00,599 --> 00:16:01,837
COLIN: Yeah. Oh. Ah.
410
00:16:01,870 --> 00:16:03,673
- [ARTEM LAUGHS]
- [QUIETLY]: That's disgusting.
411
00:16:04,950 --> 00:16:06,106
This is Juli.
412
00:16:06,106 --> 00:16:07,904
She has an amazing singing voice.
413
00:16:07,942 --> 00:16:09,858
She actually came here
to be in one of the shows,
414
00:16:09,858 --> 00:16:12,041
but, well, life is hard, so she's here now.
415
00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:13,029
Okay.
416
00:16:13,998 --> 00:16:16,841
And this is Micki. She's,
like, an animal trainer.
417
00:16:16,889 --> 00:16:19,471
Her dog can do the craziest tricks. Watch.
418
00:16:19,975 --> 00:16:20,940
Shake.
419
00:16:20,974 --> 00:16:23,052
- What's up?
- Pleasure.
420
00:16:24,325 --> 00:16:26,528
We will take the balloon
animals and the singer.
421
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,556
Thank you, Mr. Dog, I think
we're gonna go another way.
422
00:16:29,143 --> 00:16:31,057
You see? One problem solved.
423
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:33,225
Now we just have to find birthday house.
424
00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:35,447
Wait, you still don't
have a place for the party?
425
00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:38,397
No. So the possibility of
ruining my son's childhood
426
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,066
- is still very much in play.
- Yeah.
427
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:41,734
DOG: Hey, man, don't sweat it.
428
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,556
My dad ruined all my birthdays growing up,
429
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,133
and I turned out just fine.
430
00:16:45,766 --> 00:16:46,905
Oh, dear God.
431
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,931
If you guys are still looking for a venue,
432
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:50,561
I might know a place.
433
00:16:50,976 --> 00:16:53,179
- [LIVELY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- _
434
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:59,117
[KIDS CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]
435
00:17:01,517 --> 00:17:04,282
I still can't believe how
well this all came together.
436
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:07,208
And they were okay with shutting
down the strip club for this?
437
00:17:07,208 --> 00:17:08,978
Oh, yeah, no, Sundays are slow anyway.
438
00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:10,678
You know, actually, it's really nice
439
00:17:10,711 --> 00:17:12,557
to have customers on our laps for a change.
440
00:17:12,557 --> 00:17:15,093
My giraffe is slippery.
441
00:17:15,125 --> 00:17:17,028
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, oh, uh, uh...
442
00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:19,754
Thank you both so much for all of this.
443
00:17:20,199 --> 00:17:21,528
I suppose I'm not used to people
444
00:17:21,529 --> 00:17:23,299
going out of their way like this for me.
445
00:17:23,299 --> 00:17:25,234
Well, of course. We're friends.
446
00:17:25,266 --> 00:17:29,104
Yeah. After all our flights
together, we like to think, uh,
447
00:17:29,472 --> 00:17:30,777
that you're one of us now.
448
00:17:30,777 --> 00:17:33,142
That's really nice. I think.
449
00:17:33,645 --> 00:17:36,824
Daddy, we're going to
the sparkly cider room!
450
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,622
Oh.
451
00:17:39,729 --> 00:17:41,033
STEVE: Hello, passengers.
452
00:17:41,058 --> 00:17:42,738
- This is Captain Steve.
- _
453
00:17:42,777 --> 00:17:45,309
As we're approaching
Vegas, a little reminder.
454
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,394
If it's magic you're looking for,
455
00:17:47,394 --> 00:17:50,075
head over to Caesars for
Pascal the Magnificent.
456
00:17:50,075 --> 00:17:53,278
I've seen him myself, and let me tell you,
457
00:17:53,312 --> 00:17:55,961
the only thing that
man can't make disappear
458
00:17:56,084 --> 00:17:58,151
is the smile on your face.
459
00:17:58,988 --> 00:18:00,266
Boned his wife.
460
00:18:00,835 --> 00:18:02,279
I'm gonna get a cup of
joe. You want anything?
461
00:18:02,279 --> 00:18:04,108
- I'll have one, too.
- Get it yourself.
462
00:18:06,397 --> 00:18:08,834
Oh. Captain Dave. Something
I can help you with?
463
00:18:08,868 --> 00:18:10,637
Yeah, I wanted to ask you to take it easier
464
00:18:10,669 --> 00:18:12,639
- on Ronnie and Bernard.
- Ronnie and Bernard?
465
00:18:12,671 --> 00:18:15,332
You mean those flat-ass soda
machines with bad attitudes?
466
00:18:15,456 --> 00:18:16,914
I don't know why you're
even defending them.
467
00:18:16,914 --> 00:18:18,782
They're just a couple of
losers who should be grateful
468
00:18:18,816 --> 00:18:20,584
to have a job at all... in fact, frankly,
469
00:18:20,618 --> 00:18:22,325
if it was up to me, they wouldn't.
470
00:18:29,465 --> 00:18:30,820
- You know what?
- What?
471
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:32,589
Those are my friends you're talking about.
472
00:18:32,938 --> 00:18:34,557
And I don't care what it costs me,
473
00:18:34,589 --> 00:18:36,500
you will never take over this flight.
474
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,366
What? You... Take over this flight?
475
00:18:39,391 --> 00:18:40,359
Why the hell would...?
476
00:18:40,594 --> 00:18:42,264
[CHUCKLES]: Oh. This is pathetic.
477
00:18:42,297 --> 00:18:44,584
Did you think that I wanted
to trade routes with you?
478
00:18:44,609 --> 00:18:47,077
Well, it crossed my...
No. I mean, a little.
479
00:18:47,156 --> 00:18:50,293
I was never serious about taking
over this godforsaken flight.
480
00:18:50,326 --> 00:18:53,095
I mean, come on, Dave, look
at me... I fly international.
481
00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:55,439
Okay, stop calling it international, Steve.
482
00:18:55,572 --> 00:18:57,211
And let's call it what it is.
483
00:18:57,430 --> 00:18:58,391
It's Canada.
484
00:18:58,416 --> 00:18:59,938
Well, it counts. They have their own money.
485
00:18:59,963 --> 00:19:01,398
That doesn't even fit in wallets.
486
00:19:01,430 --> 00:19:03,399
It fits in wallets. You
just have to fold the bill!
487
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:05,402
- What's your problem, man?!
- My problem right now
488
00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:06,982
is I'm talking to an overrated hack
489
00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:08,942
whose stickwork is pedestrian.
490
00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:10,506
- What did you say?
- I said,
491
00:19:10,506 --> 00:19:13,136
I've seen groundos with
better air feel than you.
492
00:19:13,176 --> 00:19:14,714
You take that back, you son of a bitch.
493
00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:16,050
Why don't you make me?
494
00:19:16,504 --> 00:19:18,339
- Ow! Aah!
- [PASSENGERS GASPING]
495
00:19:18,764 --> 00:19:20,533
What is your face made of?!
496
00:19:20,565 --> 00:19:22,138
You punched him!
497
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:25,203
Oh, my God. This is amazing.
498
00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:26,394
[DAVE GROANS]
499
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,763
How is this amazing? He hit me in the face.
500
00:19:28,795 --> 00:19:31,532
That's good, too, but,
I mean, he's screwed now.
501
00:19:31,566 --> 00:19:32,934
It's nothing; it's just a little scrape
502
00:19:32,966 --> 00:19:34,931
- between a couple of pilots.
- But he's not a pilot.
503
00:19:34,931 --> 00:19:38,434
You made him sit in the cabin.
You just assaulted a passenger.
504
00:19:39,173 --> 00:19:40,404
Boom, bitch.
505
00:19:42,376 --> 00:19:43,573
RONNIE: [GASPS] Ooh.
506
00:19:50,884 --> 00:19:52,986
That was... that was
weird when you did that.
507
00:19:53,020 --> 00:19:55,023
- It was weird.
- No. Ronald!
508
00:19:55,931 --> 00:19:58,800
Look. Colin gave us socialist gift bags.
509
00:19:59,022 --> 00:20:01,454
Wow. Looks like you had a fun weekend.
510
00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:02,926
COLIN: Oh, you mean the T-shirt?
511
00:20:02,958 --> 00:20:05,527
Yeah, well, they're party
favors from my son's birthday.
512
00:20:05,561 --> 00:20:08,865
He said it was the best
party he'd ever had.
513
00:20:08,898 --> 00:20:11,967
He's also insisted I buy
him the Kidz Bop version
514
00:20:12,001 --> 00:20:13,503
of "Turn Down for What."
515
00:20:13,793 --> 00:20:15,639
I'll see you all in hell!
516
00:20:16,661 --> 00:20:19,315
Seems like you had a pretty
interesting weekend yourself.
517
00:20:20,460 --> 00:20:22,675
Nah. Pretty much the yuje.
518
00:20:27,575 --> 00:20:30,679
Hey. Um... I wanted to thank you
519
00:20:30,713 --> 00:20:32,702
for sticking up for us back there,
520
00:20:32,772 --> 00:20:35,542
even if it meant losing out
on the international job.
521
00:20:35,946 --> 00:20:38,517
Eh, it was nothing. We're a team, right?
522
00:20:38,675 --> 00:20:40,162
Damn right we are.
523
00:20:40,278 --> 00:20:42,334
Which reminds me, I have something for you.
524
00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:44,513
It's my phone number.
525
00:20:44,749 --> 00:20:46,351
Just in case you ever need someone
526
00:20:46,384 --> 00:20:48,420
- to help you move an armoire.
- Thanks.
527
00:20:48,452 --> 00:20:50,537
I actually took your number
off the crew list a while ago.
528
00:20:50,561 --> 00:20:51,556
Creepy.
529
00:20:51,557 --> 00:20:54,104
As a symbolic gesture,
though, this is very nice.
530
00:20:54,104 --> 00:20:55,739
And the good news is,
since Captain Steve has
531
00:20:55,771 --> 00:20:58,041
a broken hand, looks like I'll
be the one flying back to L.A.
532
00:20:58,075 --> 00:21:00,477
No, no, not so fast, cowboy.
You still have a broken wrist.
533
00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:02,318
Bernard called in another replacement.
534
00:21:02,318 --> 00:21:05,014
Well, whoever it is, they can't
be any worse than Captain Steve.
535
00:21:06,521 --> 00:21:09,458
["ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE"
BY SCORPIONS PLAYING]
536
00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:15,776
? Here I am... ?
537
00:21:15,810 --> 00:21:17,364
- Captain Carl.
- Hi.
538
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:20,562
- How are you?
- [RONNIE SHUDDERS]
539
00:21:20,587 --> 00:21:23,456
- Oh, damn it.
- ? Here I am. ?
540
00:21:23,506 --> 00:21:28,056
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