Original subtitles

Convinced that his incompetence

had caused the explosion at the Doomsday Beacon,

Kr�d led his men in a time-honored ritual

for handling profound shame:

the elaborate group lie.

Guys, if we're gonna sell this whopper, we need to get our stories straight.

- Definitely. - OK. Bruce, run it from the top.

OK, we summited the Beacon at exactly dawn,

which I remember because the azure light breaking over Radler Ridge

reminded me of Arcadius's eyes.

Wrong. Radler Ridge is west of the Beacon and General Arcadius's eyes were brown.

Who had the blue eyes, then?

It doesn't matter. Zez, what happened next?

I conjured up a ball of flame

- and I laid it to rest on a pyre. - Not believable.

That's very believable because that's what I do.

You want me to break it down in front of the group?

- No, we're cool, Kr�d. - OK. Good.

So we lit it with a flint. Quasto, what happened next?

Um... Right, now, let me see.

We, er... We, er... We left?

No, we didn't. We, er...we jumped... But that was too high. We, er...

We, er... I can't remember a thing. I can't remember. I'm blank.

- Swiss cheese. Nothing. - We went over this ten times!

This is a plan. You got to know the plan, Quasto!

You smelled the gunpowder,

so we sprinted downstairs before the thing blew sky high.

(Zez) That's what we did, Quasto.

(Sobs) I'm sorry, I cant, I'm stupid.

- I don't mean it like that. - No, come on, buddy.

Quasto, please! Come on, big dude. It's OK.

- You wanna go over it one more time? - Whatever it takes.

- Or would you rather a snack and juice? - I'll have a snack.

- (Cackling) - (Zez squeals)

You're a dead man!

Speak not in riddles, Grim Reaper!

Grim Reaper?

You think I'm the Grim Reaper? Mythical harvester of souls? Kyuh!

Sorry, he's a little stressed out. He's been lashing out at all of us.

Sorry, it's an honest mistake.

You are wearing a hood and carrying a scythe.

Yes, because it's harvest.

I have to work for my keep.

The hood shields me from the sun.

- Very hot. - That makes a lot of sense.

- They get it. - Right, I mean... Look, I'm sorry.

I was just struck by your dire prediction, calling me a dead man.

It was no prediction.

I was referring to that.

A decree from Chancellor Dongalor.

Grim Reaper!

- Huh! - Watch that blade.

I'm only 30.

- You look good. - Thanks.

(Zez) ..jumped on his 30 ass.

"Mission accomplished.

"Boom boom at Beacon leaves M�ndoon dead"?

Dong-alor, Dong-alor...

Sire, the Dongalor Youth composed this hymn especially

for your impending triumph over the resistance.

They've done excellently, Barnabus.

As have you, in selecting the finest our province has to offer.

- Shining examples of... - (Boy sings croakily)

Good gods!

- Who is this odious troglodyte? - You know who this is, this is Homunculo.

- He lives beneath the slop house. - Huh?

- He is your bastard son. - Hi, Dad.

(Laughs weakly) Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm afraid Daddy has to dash off now.

But how would you like to go on a boat ride with Uncle Bar Bar?

OK.

- But I can't swim. - Really?

That doesn't matter. Just remember to have lots of stones in your pockets to...

throw at turtles, yes.

Have fun! Two, three, four...

(Sings with boys) Dong-alor, Dong-alor

Needs another verse, go and write some more...

Dongalor's offering general amnesty.

"This Saturday, any resistance fighters who lay down their arms

"will receive 20 gold mentulas and a mule."

Wait. Why would Dongalor think we died at the Beacon?

Yeah, that mission was a secret.

The only person who knew we were there was...

Grimshank! He's working with Dongalor!

- I knew it! I knew it, Kr�d! - Then why didn't you say something?

I just did!

That's what I... I just...

OK, we gotta warn Ralph and Aneka.

I just hope that backstabber hasn't got to them yet.

That's it. I'm gonna go take that old bastard out.

Whoa, whoa!

What did you say? No, no!

Grimshank is what we call a warlock's warlock.

You can't just go after that man head on.

That's crazy. If he senses your presence, he'll drop some serious mojo on you.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, Zez, I don't call on you very often and when I do it's usually a courtesy.

- And that's appreciated, Kr�d. - I really need you to dig deep here.

I'm ready to dig. I've got a shovel. Go.

I know you run in warlock circles.

I sprint in 'em.

Does Grimshank have any weaknesses that we could exploit?

Yeah, yeah, he does, but I gotta warn y'all, it's not gonna be pleasant.

Even after 30 years of marriage he was insatiable.

He'd have me four or five times a day. Oh, not counting handjies.

- Oh! - Oh!

I warned you.

My Arcadius was like that too. Go on.

Go on?!

He made me train my Kegel muscles

to the point where I could pick up loose change.

What? You don't get to see that every day!

But after the menopause, he lost interest in me sexually.

- Aw! - I indulged his every perversion.

- Mouth fun. - Sure.

- Bagpiping. - Got it.

A little bit of canary-in-the-coalmine.

Why?

But nothing satisfied him! (Sobs)

Oh!

Go on! Go on!

Zez, go over...

Hey...Agnes...

There, there.

Oh! (Moans)

Oh, Agnes, you're breathing on my face.

Oh, I've missed you, player.

What?

What are you talking about, crazy?

I've never seen you.

- You were here last night. - (Hushed) That's our business.

I've never...

(Coughs) Oh, God.

Look, Agnes, if you really want to get back at Grimshank, help us out.

OK.

His wizardly denomination is the Order Of The Hound.

(Tuts) It's on a wire!

She's good.

The source of Grimshank's magic

is a canine tooth he wears on a gold waist chain.

Without it, he's just a powerless old perv.

But...but how do we get close enough to him to get the tooth?

I'll turn you into the thing he fears the least...

the body and soul of a shaggy beast.

(Quasto) Hey, master! My fleas are gone!

(Kr�d) Good for you, Quasto. Now, let's focus.

We have to warn Ralph and Aneka that Grimshank is a traitor...

- Bruce, do you mind? - It's a compliment, Kr�d.

(Zez) Villa, my ass! Ralph live in a damn castle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw.

- Wait! I hear Aneka! - (Woman's voice, indistinct)

(Zez) Y'all gonna take off and leave me in the back?

'Cause I'm the black dog? Racists!

(Growling, barking)

- Hey! What's the trouble, girl? - Girl?!

- Well, now, who do we have here? - I don't know where she came from.

She just bounded in, all excited.

- Ooh, are you in heat? - (Kr�d) Heat! Can you not see my balls?!

There's an entire pack of them here!

(Kr�d) Guys, it's no use, she can't understand me.

Well, Snowflake, why don't you take our new friends to my quarters, eh?

(Kr�d) Fine, we'll go to his quarters and see what we can find out. Bruce!

- Oh, I say, sir. - Ah, Barnabus.

I trust the boat trip was eventful.

- Glug, glug. Bubble, bubble. Sink, sink. - Indeed, sir.

I'm so sorry to put pressure on you, sir,

but we simply must transfer the Eye to the firing position immediately.

Joy time!

Superb!

Right, let's have a look at this.

Yes, I said tasteful. Not too tasteful.

Paint is cheap.

Elongate my man cabin.

Ooh! Hey, what's in that vial, master?

I don't know, Quasto. But I guarantee it's something nasty.

(Grimshank) Bad Snowflake!

You almost made Daddy spill his pagan tears.

Pagan tears! I knew he was evil.

- So did I, told you. - Don't start!

There's the tooth! Grab it, Kr�d, and let's get the hell outta here.

Grab it with what? Guys, face it. We're stuck here until the spell wears off.

Great. What are we supposed to do between now and dawn?

Hmm.

Hmm!

OK, we're off the clock until sun-up. Separate corners, and no peeking.

(Cock crows)

(Hushed) Guys, guys, wake up!

- Anybody got a mint? - Shh! Quiet!

You'll wake him.

(Quasto) He looks excited about something.

- Should hit it with a spoon. - Kr�d, get the tooth.

Me? Isn't this more up your alley?

I am not a wrinkle queen! Arcadius was an exception.

- Fine. I'm going in. - (Quasto) Be careful, master.

Steady...

Oh, that's not a tooth. Oh, steady...

- Got it! - Aaargh!

Rise and shine, Grimshank! Looky what I got.

M�ndoon, I thought you were dead!

- Well, you thought wrong, old man. - Give me my tooth back.

No chance! Say goodbye to your magicks.

No, no, no!

That's the biggest mistake you've ever made!

Oh, really, traitor? And what's this?

- None of your business. - Well, it is now! Quasto, gag him.

Keep an eye out for Dongalor.

I'll let Longshaft know his villa's got a rat problem.

Oh! Robe!

Robe!

Hey, Ralph!

Kr�d! You're alive!

Yeah. No thanks to this traitor.

- Grimshank? Traitor? - I found these in his room.

Pagan tears. He and Dongalor were gonna use them to fuel the Eye of Gulga Grymna.

On behalf of the resistance, I thank you, M�ndoon. I'll dispose of those.

Don't give him the tears, you fool!

- Seriously, with the name-calling... - Forgive him, Kr�d.

- He's going through a painful divorce. - Listen to me. Take the tears and leave.

It is your only chance to save the resistance. Trust me.

Trust you? You tried to blow me up.

- Because I needed you dead. - I know we never got along,

- but that's a little extreme. - It was nothing personal!

It was part of my plan to save the resistance.

What? How?

Kr�d?!

You're alive!

That's how. I have been working for the resistance as a double agent,

and I realized as soon as I saw her that she loved you.

Whoa! Hold up! You saw that she loved me?

- Well, it was obvious. - It was obvious?

- See, I think that way and then... - I saw that she loved you

and I realized that if we were to have any chance at all of harvesting pagan tears,

she had to believe you were gone!

Whoa, whoa!

You cried over me?

You never cry.

Yeah I, er... Kr�d, with all due respect, what my former colleague saw,

and I presume heard, was hardly Aneka's love for you.

In fact, if I may take a rare break from gentlemanly decorum...

that bitch wore my arse out.

Is that true?

Did you...

wear his ass out?

- Oh... Well... - We emptied her lube gourd.

- Twice. - That was a huge gourd.

I know.

Well, I guess that settles it. Here, take 'em.

No!

(Door opens)

Ever the chump, M�ndoon.

Wh... I...

- Are you ready, Big D? - Born ready, RL.

What say we fry up some villagers? (Chuckles)

You fool! Do you realize what you've just done?

Yes.

I've exposed the real traitor...

and given him a vial of grobble urine.

You'd think it would be cloudy, but surprisingly it's clear as spring water.

Here are the real tears.

Hah! Suck on that, boys!

Who's the fool now, Grimshank?

My sword! Now, I know I had it when I got up...

As we speak, hundreds of resistance fighters

are gathered in the Hessemeel Commons seeking amnesty and a mule.

Hah! Fools. Everyone knows there's no such thing as a free mule.

Say hello to the Eye of Gulga Grymna.

Hey, double agent guy. Didn't you have a plan to shut this thing down?

Yes, I was going to wait until the weapon was activated

and then use my telekinetic powers to turn it onto Dongalor's palace.

- Hey, that's a winner! Let's do that! - You threw my magic away.

I am now completely powerless!

Right.

Accept it. Your so-called resistance is doomed.

I'll take those tears.

You want 'em? You'll have to carve them out of my cold, dead gullet.

(Gulps)

It's stuck... I can't...I can't breathe.

(Retches)

Unbelievable! He swallowed the vial.

- What was I supposed to do? - Crush it on the stone floor.

- (Aneka) Pour the tears out. - Or just swallow them.

Quite a few options, really.

Oh! I was looking forward to the gullet carving.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Kill him.

Still no sign of Donga...lor.

- Hello! - Hiya!

- Hmm? - The vial of tears, sir.

Yes.

Sir, thank you for including me in today's epochal events.

Oh, Barnabus, I couldn't have done it without you. Now drop.

- You can take him! - I don't know! He's good!

Kr�d, it's the size of a warrior's heart that counts, not his sword!

First of all, this is not my sword. My sword is huge - way bigger than his.

Grimshank!

Arcadius said you were The Golden One.

I die unconvinced.

- Oh! Hand cramp. - Are you in pain, sire?

Oh, I'll soldier on, as I always do.

- Why, Ralph? - Come, come, Kr�d! Look around you.

Do you honestly believe someone born into all this would fight to see it abolished?

No. Join me, and you too can have a palace of your own.

Freedom is my palace.

"Freedom is my palace." What a clumsy little metaphor.

Show time!

(Slurping)

Joy!

Just a matter of minutes now, Barnabus.

Let's away!

Farewell, M�ndoon.

(Zez) Whoa!

Ho!

Hey, hey! Kr�d!

Just surrender and I'll give Aneka back.

She's not yours to give!

Do what you must.

- (Zez) Set his hair on fire! - Rip his head off!

(Bruce) Rub him with oil! Get him greasy!

It is an honor to die at your hand, Aneka.

Kr�d...

you were a worthy foe.

Classy till the end.

Hey-hey!

- Thanks. - How did you do that, Zez?

I'll tell you what it was. It was focus!

Preparation! Execution!

Grimshank's tooth? Did you fish it out of the moat?

No, I took it off a hellhound that I was fighting in another dimension

while I was on my way here saving y'all's ass.

Mm-hm!

Right!

- (Dongalor) It'll never fit, Barnabus. - It will! Let me just strap it on.

- Where is that coming from? - Someplace beautiful?

- Yes, the wings are secure, sire. - Good.

Well, Barnie, old chap... bonne chance.

Bonne chance, sir?

- Am I not to come too? - No, Barnabus.

- A hero's death awaits you. - What?

- Well, there's no greater glory. - Yes, yes. Of course.

Oh, a guilt trip.

Really! On the greatest day of my life! That's the thanks I get, is it?

- A thousand apologies, sire, but... - No, too late.

- Uh-uh! Damage is done. - The damage...

Talk to the wing.

- Dongalor! - Attack, Barnabus!

It's over!

Kr�d...

Kr�ddy...

(Chuckles)

Kr�dmeister...

You're no killer. I saw you spare Ralph.

Rafe... Ralph...

Rafe... Is it Ralph or Rafe?

- It's spelt Ralph, but pronounced Rafe. - Wanker! Huh!

- He didn't kill Arcadius. You did. - Wait!

There's something you need to know -

a very powerful secret that has been kept from you for too long now.

- You're stalling. - No, it's true.

Kr�d, I am...

..your brother.

My brother?

In-law.

- Say again? - I married your sister.

Voula?!

She left home when I was a kid. She joined the Molkadian whore caravan.

Yes, and the fact remains, we were married...albeit briefly.

- What? You're not even married anymore? - Well, not now. She's nuts! And a whore.

But the fact is, Kr�d... we're family.

Kr�d, the Eye! It's about to blow!

This isn't over.

Surrender immediately, if you don't mind.

Aaargh!

There's gotta be some way to stop this thing.

(Arcadius) You know what to do, Golden One.

Fulfill your destiny. Hroath g'blon brack rothan.

- Let fire flow through this steel. - Wait! Answer me this.

Do you know if Bruce is seeing anyone, or...?

Later.

Fair enough. Go, lad!

(Coughs)

(Coughing)

(Sobs)

Be careful with those tears.

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Look, guys, everyone in that crowd thinks I'm dead.

So when they find out that The Golden One lives on, things might get a little nuts.

I'm already all over that, Kr�d. Listen, nobody gets near him.

You hear that? Nobody.

Quasto!

I'm itchy.

OK, um...

Just another thing. If they start chanting my name,

just know that that chant is for all of us.

OK, you know why? 'Cause there's no I in team, people.

Kr�d, no. Move. I do it.

- Relax. Make eye contact with me. - Come on, Bruce.

- How much time do we have? - OK, Bruce. I'm good. OK, here I go.

Good people of Hessemeel! Stop your mourning.

I'm alive!

(Murmuring)

- Are you the mule man? - What? No.

No, I'm... No, I'm Kr�d M�ndoon.

(Groaning)

Do you work for the mule man?

No, no. I'm...

- I'm The Golden One. - He's got the gold!

(Cheering)

What? No, no, no. There is no gold.

There are no mules.

The amnesty offer was a lie.

So the fight for freedom must go on and on!

But we're tired of fighting. We want gold and mules.

Right, you're tired, sure...

Can you...? I'm dying here.

- You want mules? - (All) Yes!

Do you want gold?

(All) Yes!

- Do you want freedom? - (All) Yes!

Follow us! We'll march as one to the royal stables and help ourselves to the mules!

From there it's on to the treasury to take back our gold and our lives!

(Cheering)

Aneka. They saw everything.

She's incorrigible.

Incorrigible, and to his abiding horror,

the only woman he would ever truly love.

Bound by a common fate, yet doomed to emotional chaos,

Kr�d and Aneka march out of the village

and into their epic destiny.

Ah, you there! Peasant!

Help me down from this tree. You'll be richly rewarded.

- Homunculo? - Father?

I thought he was, er, you know...

Hey, there, buddy! How was the boat ride?

Yes? Good?

- Oh! Ow! Shield me, Barnabus! - Stop it!

Shield me from this wretched monster!

Ouch!

- Good arm on the boy, no? - Yes, not bad, sire, not bad.

He wouldn't.

He would!

By the gods, Barnabus, I love the little bastard!

(Laughs) Homunculo Vesuvius Dongalor,

I hereby acknowledge you to be my rightful heir!

Come live with me at the palace. You can have Barnabus's quarters.

- Hang on, sir, where will I live? - And still he chops!

- (Laughs) Isn't he wonderful, Barnabus? - Absolutely. But, sir, where will I live?

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