Original subtitles

Synced and corrected By Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

(Mrs. Goldfeder screaming)

I think that was Mrs. Goldfeder.

I think you're right.

Go lock the door.

Stop!

Come on, please? Please lock it. Lock it.

Stop!

(Screams)

Mrs. Goldfeder, what's wrong?

Other than the fact that I now have a shattered eardrum.

My house was robbed!

Hold me, Craig.

I feel so violated!

Oh, now, I do too.

They took our computer and TV.

But luckily, they didn't get the money Ma hides under the mattress.

Petey, that's a secret!

Where did you get such a big mouth?

He must have got it from his father.

Boy, I cannot believe something like this happened in our neighborhood.

We got to do something.

What if we have like a neighborhood watch group?

We got to fight back.

Whoa, whoa, slow down, KC.

Those things require organization and strong leadership.

Thanks for volunteering, Craig.

Me?

Yeah. Dad, who's a better leader than you?

Please, Mr. Cooper, it would make me and Ma feel so much safer.

Uh, okay. Wow.

That's enough of that.

All right, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Just tell everyone in the neighborhood to be here tomorrow night at 6:00.

Perfect. If it's not too much trouble, put some snacks out.

Nothing fancy, maybe a deli platter for 40.

Great. Now, I got to feed the whole block?

Dad, no one wants to talk about taking down punks on an empty stomach.

(Music playing)

Oh, when danger comes for you

You know I'll stand beside ya

'Cause ain't nobody keep they head so cool

I'll always find a way

A way out of the fire

Don't tell nobody, tell nobody

I'm not perfect

So many things I wanna tell you, but I

I keep it undercover!

Living my life on red alert

Doing my thing, gonna make it work

Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless

But I always got your back

Nobody can do it like I can

I gotta find out who I am

Ain't got to worry about me

It's all part of the plan

I keep it undercover

I keep it undercover

(Music playing)

You know, it's scary when things are amiss in the hood.

Don't worry.

The E Man is ready to protect you.

Ow!

(Scoffs) And who exactly is gonna protect the E Man?

Hey Marisa, where's your parents?

Oh, my dad says it wasn't necessary to come.

He figured if the house was broken into and the credit cards were stolen,

the thieves would spend less money than my mom.

Oh, hey.

Look who got all dressed up for the neighborhood watch meeting.

No, this is how I always dress.

Chicks dig berets.

So that's what I've been doing wrong.

Yeah, 'cause that's what's hurting your game is your lack of a French hat.

Hey, I wanna welcome you to our first meeting of the Melby Lane Watchdogs.

(Barking)

Uh, Mrs. Goldfeder.

Sit.

Stay.

Good girl.

All right. Now, I wanna introduce our watch leader, my dad, Craig Cooper.

Craig: Thank you. Thank you.

I'd like to start by reassuring everyone that I've spoken to the authorities

and everything is under control.

Under control?

Strangers went through my unmentionables drawer.

My unmentionables, people!

My unmentionables!

Or mentionable, she definitely mentions them a lot.

So when do we get our pepper spray and maximum impact Tasers?

Ho, ho, ho, Herb, with all due respect, more accidents happen when civilians

try to do the police's work.

(All sigh in disappointment)

With somewhat less respect, you're talking out of the cheeks you sit on.

I think what everyone's saying, Dad, is that... we need to take some action.

All: Yeah!

But as for leader, you should probably tell them your plan.

I will.

Thank you.

I suggest you all go home and buy motion sensor lights for your driveway.

Call the police if you see anything suspicious

and stay informed by signing up for my email list.

(All sigh in disappointment)

Yeah. Email list!

Now, that's what I'm talking about, Dad!

(Laughs)

Wait a minute, what are you talking about, Dad?

That's your solution?

Why don't we just put signs on our doors that say, "I'm a sucker, rob me"?

But my dad has another plan to take shifts patrolling the block.

Craig: No, no one is patrolling the streets because no one is trained. Okay?

This is a neighborhood watch, people, so everyone just go home and watch.

(Music playing)

Look what I made for you, Judy.

It's a painting of the sun.

What do you think?

Slippy, I think it would be less painful to stare at the actual sun.

Let me see yours.

Judy, it's beautiful, breathtaking, and perfect.

Just like you.

Ms. Fortunato, I need a bathroom pass.

I'm gonna be sick to my stomach.

(Music playing)

Hey, Dad! Hurry up. Hey, yo!

What happened? What's wrong? I don't want you to be late for your debriefing.

Yeah, but I have plenty of time...

I know. It's okay. Love you, bye.

(Barking)

Finally, I thought he would never leave.

You got a lovely home, KC.

By the way, you're out of air freshener in the guest bath.

Well, now you are.

Herb, you do realize that "make yourself at home"

is just an expression.

All right, everyone, I'm really excited to be your new group leader.

Uh, KC... Marissa, just wait.

KC. I think you should know...

Marissa, just a second.

Like I was saying, I will be calling all the shots,

but my dad cannot know about that.

Actually... Marissa, just wait.

Okay?

Now, where was I?

You were saying something about your dad not finding out.

A little tip, KC, if you're gonna be the watch leader,

you should at least know when someone is watching.

By the way, your dad's here.

(Music playing)

Dad, okay, it's not what it looks like.

So you didn't secretly take over the neighborhood watch.

Okay. There's a very strong resemblance to what it looks like.

Is this what you people really want, a 16-year-old leading you instead of me?

Okay, Dad, it is not a competition.

Says you.

All those in favor of the pencil-pushing accountant

who wants to email crime away, raise your hands.

Mm-kay.

Everyone who wants KC to teach us how to knock the bajeepers

out of anyone who messes with us?

You wanna count up those votes, Craig, or do you need your calculator?

(Music playing)

Hi, Judy. Hi, Judy.

(Sighs)

Slippy, if you're going to be my man, you need to know.

I hate puppies, I can't stand cartoons, videogames make me sick,

and I love Brussels sprouts.

(Gasps)

I know.

I'm not the girl you thought I was and you don't want anything to do

with me now, right?

I don't know how it's possible, but I love you more now

than when we started this conversation.

We have so much in common, darling.

Can I call you, darling?

Just call me idiot because I actually thought this might work.

(Music playing)

Dad, may I please have the butter?

I don't know.

Am I good enough to pass you the butter?

Dad...

Let's take a vote.

All those in favor of me giving KC the butter, raise your hand.

Mm-kay?

I'm starting to think this has nothing to do with butter.

I distinctly told you that getting the civilians riled up

about fighting crime was a bad idea.

But, Dad, that's not what the neighborhood watchdogs think.

And they want a leader who actually listens to them.

Oh, I know how they feel because I wanna be listened to also.

Dad, I only disobeyed you because I don't agree with you.

I mean, do I have to do everything you say and agree with everything you do

just because you're an adult?

Yes, that's the way it works.

I give an order, you listen to it.

Okay. Is that my ranking officer talking or my dad?

Both.

Yeah, well, could my ranking officer tell my dad

that he's being completely unfair.

(Music playing)

I don't think so, hooligan!

(Whistling)

What's wrong?

This clown was breaking into my house so I had to introduce his face

to the pavement!

Dad, you're the neighborhood burglar?

Please tell me you did not go through her unmentionables.

(Music playing)

I cannot believe you broke into Mrs. Goldfeder's house.

Please tell me there's some kind of reasonable explanation

for why you would do that.

Of course there is.

I wanted to make you look bad.

Oh, interesting.

'Cause who exactly would you say looks bad now?

Because I'm pretty sure it's not me.

I meant I was trying to prove you were taking them down the wrong road.

Those people aren't equipped to handle a real threat.

I think we both know what you need to do now.

Of course, I do.

(Sighs) Go ahead. I'm listening.

I'm making my own watchdog group and we're taking yours down!

Mm-hmm.

You know what? That was not the apology I was looking for!

Crowd: Watchdogs! Watchdogs! Watchdogs!

Watchdogs! Watchdogs!

Okay. Okay. My three-pronged strategy to dealing with... Sorry, Dad,

could you speak up?

I can't hear you over KC's much larger, much louder,

and much better organized neighborhood watch group.

It's not about the numbers.

Thank you, Herb.

It's about having a cooler name.

How about...

the Watchdogs?

That's what KC's group is called, Herb.

They're chanting it now.

(Crowd chanting)

Okay.

How about...

the Dog Watchers?

Ooh.

That doesn't even make any sense!

Look, the name is not a priority, okay?

We need to focus on building an operation that...

Yes, Herb?

The Looky Loos.

Excuse me?

That should be our name, the Looky Loos.

The Looky Loos, very catchy.

Okay. Stop, stop, stop with the name.

You're losing sight of what's important here.

Catching bad guys? No, being better than KC's group.

Do you smell hot wings?

I think they're serving hors d'oeuvres downstairs.

I think I'm just...

You're not going anywhere, Herb.

(Music playing)

I'm sorry, Slippy.

It's not you.

Somebody else already has my heart.

I think you're making this up because our feelings for each other

are too powerful for you to deal with.

Yeah.

Keep telling yourself that.

For the last time, I already got a boo.

And that boo ain't you.

Sure you do.

Petey: Judy!

Judy!

Step off, Slippy!

I'm her man!

See, I said it just like you told me to.

Oh, wait.

I forgot to hold your hand.

Let me start again.

Step off, Slippy!

I'm her man!

Humans.

What? Nothing.

(Music playing)

KC: And then my dad tells me to grow up

and when I do, he still treats me like a child.

Like, when is he gonna realize that I'm old enough to have my own opinion?

KC, between you and me, you're 10 times the man your father is.

Are you trying to build my self-confidence or make me cry?

(Cell phone ringing)

Hello. Yes, that is the right address.

Just make a right at the shrubbery.

Yoo-hoo!

Hi!

This is for you. Thank you.

Seriously, you ordered a pizza?

Oh, no, I ordered the chance to slip Matt Danson my number.

The pizza just came with it.

(Music playing)

See anything suspicious?

Yeah. Those guys ordered a pizza,

but it doesn't seem like there's any cheese on it.

Wait, the cheese is in the crust.

That's not fair.

If the Watchdogs get pizza, the Looky Loos should too.

Hey, I never approved that name.

We're not getting pizza.

We're here for one reason and one reason only

and that's to catch a thief before KC does,

so I can hold it over her head and make her group

rue the day they banished Craig Cooper!

I thought we were here to stop crime.

Yeah, that too.

I need a few minutes.

I need to use the Looky Loo.

I got to pee.

Here, use my place.

Let yourself in. That'll work.

I don't know why he couldn't just use these bushes like everyone else.

Oh, Ernie.

My bad.

(Music playing)

(Gasps) I see something.

Let me guess.

You ordered frozen yogurt for dessert?

Don't be ridiculous.

They refuse to deliver to a bush.

Give me those!

I do see something suspicious.

Big mouth was right.

I'm the one with the big mouth?

Let me see.

Wait a minute.

There's a guy taking stuff out of that house.

This is what we trained for, people.

Let's sic 'em, Watchdogs.

(All three barking)

Dad, the Watchdogs are mobilizing.

There must be a burglar.

We got to get him first. Come on. Let's go.

Looky Loos!

That is not our battle cry.

They got the barking, we need something.

(Music playing)

Freeze, dirt bag!

(Screams)

(Grunts)

What is wrong with you?

You're right. I should've done this.

(Grunts)

Too late, Dad. You snooze, you lose.

Score one for the Watchdogs.

No way. I'm taking him in.

What? No! I'm taking him in!

No, I'm taking him in!

No, Dad, I said I'm taking him in!

Who's taking me and where and for what?!

For robbing this house.

It's my house!

I was taking out the trash.

(Clears throat) You got him, Dad.

Wait, Mr. Hancock?

Wow, you've lost weight.

And got hair plugs.

You look great.

Thanks for noticing, big mouth.

See?

(Siren blares)

Ernie: Hey look, the police are pulling into that house.

Guys, that's our house.

Come on. Let's go.

Looky Loos!

Cut that out!

This neighborhood's going down the toilet.

What's going on, Officer? I live here.

Well, got a call from your neighbor across the street.

He saw your floodlights go off in your driveway,

called us, said there was a suspicious man loading things into a car.

Man, what kind of creep would do that?

That would be me.

Herb, you're a disgrace to the Looky Loos.

I know.

All right. Let's go, you. Come on.

So, Cooper, you recruited a robber into our neighborhood watch group,

invited him into your home to case the joint, and then let him rob you blind

while we were squatting in the bushes.

That's not how it happened at all.

Yeah, he didn't break in.

Dad gave him the key.

Thank you, Ernie.

Dad, I'm really sorry.

Your whole plan of having everyone just stay at home and keep watch

and let the police do their job was completely right

and I should've listened to you.

You are the grown-up.

Well, maybe next time, I'll actually act like one.

I'm sorry, KC. I can't blame these guys for wanting to follow you.

You're a good leader.

Hey, I wonder where I get that from.

(Both laugh)

Hey, I mean this thing isn't a total loss, right?

I mean, at least we got to get to know our neighbors.

Mm-hmm. Maybe instead of a neighborhood watch group,

we could do like book club.

Yeah, we can call it the Booky Loos.

Booky Loos!

Give it up, Ernie.

What? It's catchy!

(Music playing)

Petey: Judy!

I got you strawberry swirl.

It's as sweet as you are.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You don't have to pretend to be my boyfriend anymore.

Who's pretending?

I'm crazy about you, baby.

You're loud, you're obnoxious, and you spit when you talk.

You remind of my mom.

Ah, shut your yogurt hole.

That's just what Ma would say!

Well, now that I know how you feel about me,

it's time you know how I feel about you.

So I invited my friends Pentatonix to sing it you.

Hit it, guys.

One, two, three, four.

I want you

I got one less prob-prob-prob

Here we go, come on.

I want you

I got one less, one less

Listen to me. Ooh

Hey, baby, even though I hate ya

I wanna love ya

I want you

And even though I can't forgive you

I really want ya

I want you

Tell me, tell me, baby

Why can't you leave me

Cause even though I shouldn't want it

I gotta have it

I want you

Head in the clouds

Got no weight on my shoulders

I should be wiser and realize

That I've got

One less problem without ya

Ooh One less problem without ya

One less One less problem without ya

I got one less, one less problem

I got one less problem without you

I got one less problem without you

I got one less problem without you

I got one less, one less

Ooh

I can't believe you actually got Pentatonix to sing that song to me.

You really like me.

(Music playing)

Woman: Rob, your name's on TV.

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