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1
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:34,000
So just to fix it, it's
Dr Chrissie and Crispin Gilpin.
2
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:37,150
Too tricky, I'm sorry.
3
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,590
I'm going to call him
Dr Crippen, I know I am.
4
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:43,110
He's a wrestling critic
for Sky Sports.
5
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,710
Played a lot of golf with my dad.
6
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,870
And she's also a very
talented artist.
7
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,190
Working on some big painting for the
church at the moment, I think
8
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:53,310
she said, so no, they're very
nice, very down-to-earth people,
9
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:57,510
so there's no way you're
going to lower the tone.
10
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:58,960
I promise.
11
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,720
A wrestling critic for Sky.
That's like pointlessness cubed.
12
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,800
KNOCKING
13
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,320
RINGS BELL
14
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,150
Chrissie? Crispin?
15
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,240
OK to come in?
16
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,640
We're a little bit early.
17
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,680
Hello? Anyone at home?
18
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,240
Very odd.
19
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:28,670
I might just try her studio, which
I think is out the back somewhere.
20
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:29,760
I'll be two secs.
21
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:06,840
MUFFLED GROANS
22
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,920
BANGING
23
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,920
Oh, God!
Hang on a second, hang on!
24
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:24,950
It's OK, I've got it.
25
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,280
Right.
26
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,640
What's going on?
27
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,950
Ah, Polly! Yeah, sorry, what's going
on is we've had a break-in!
28
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,390
Just come downstairs,
found these two characters in masks.
29
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,430
Going through the bloody safe.
Unbelievable!
30
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:43,830
Managed to clobber them,
31
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,190
got them secured till the police
get here, but it's like
32
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,070
Chrissie says, what if there's
more of them waiting in the van?
33
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,350
Dare say they'll take
a minute to get here, but...
34
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,880
How far is the nearest police
station? Got to be ten miles.
35
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:01,040
Oh, not getting a signal.
I'll have to use the landline.
36
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:04,440
Oh, bugger.
37
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,950
Jonathan?!
Whatever you do, stay put!
38
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,160
There's two burglars in the house,
and they could be...
39
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,400
Oh, good. Well, that's all
under control, then?
40
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,360
We'll just get the sprouts on.
41
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,710
This is shaping up for
a really fun-packed evening,
42
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,120
I must say. Better check the safe.
I suppose they've taken everything.
43
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,430
What does Japanese knotweed
look like?
44
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,190
Sorry? Think I just found some,
down in the wood.
45
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,800
It's absolutely lethal, that stuff,
once it starts to spread.
46
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,680
We may have to get someone in.
47
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,830
What?
48
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,670
No, it's just where I broke my wrist
a couple of years ago -
49
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,470
I think I might've just set
it off again.
50
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,470
Great.
51
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,120
PHONE RINGS
52
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,070
Oh, hi, Chrissie, hi!
53
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,510
Listen, I'm so sorry
about last night,
54
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:43,720
I don't suppose the police
have managed to...? No, no.
55
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,430
Not sure, but I can check.
56
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,710
Asking if you've any plans to spring
the Yorkshire Ripper from jail
57
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,840
this morning. No, no, I think
he's learned his lesson.
58
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,510
Sorry?
What time would that be for?
59
00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:02,230
Oh, no, it's the least we can do!
Yes, definitely!
60
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:06,470
I can't, sadly, but I'm sure
Jonathan'll step up to the plate.
61
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:11,680
Yes. Leave it with me, Chrissie,
and I'll sort it. OK. Bye.
62
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,630
What plate is this
I'm stepping up to now?
63
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:17,990
The volunteer drivers
64
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,790
who ferry people up to the surgery
for their appointments.
65
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,710
They're a bit short-staffed
this morning,
66
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:25,750
and there's a patient of hers,
Mr Ipswich - he's about 150.
67
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,630
Obviously I would if I could, but
I've got the village hall committee
68
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,880
at ten, so go on,
you'll be rewarded in Heaven.
69
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:38,960
Mr Ipswich. Why do I know
I'm going to regret this?
70
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,750
Morning, Hugh! Are you well? Hi!
71
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,710
How's the new arrival, still
keeping you both up all night?
72
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,470
Yes. I'm beginning to see
the appeal of a manger.
73
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,830
You must come round, both of you,
and say hello.
74
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,510
Alison's practically
selling tickets.
75
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,070
Oh, well, put me down for two.
76
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:02,310
All looking super-duper.
77
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,110
Yes, they've done a marvellous job.
78
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,520
Wonder why Mr Greeley sounded
so down about it on the phone?
79
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:14,720
Welcome, everybody.
I think we have a quorum.
80
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,910
If I could start by introducing
my nephew, Warwick,
81
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,990
who's over here from New Zealand
for a few weeks.
82
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,110
He'll be helping us
keep track of our discussions.
83
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,750
I'm sure we've all had a chance
to admire the really splendid
84
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,070
efforts of our builders
and design team,
85
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,950
who've worked tirelessly
to give the centre
86
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,750
here such a facelift.
87
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:34,910
ALL: Hear, hear.
88
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,830
As you know, this has all been
largely made
89
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,870
possible by the generosity
of a local lottery winner -
90
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:44,550
the businessman and chairman of the
Rotary Club, Sir Leonard Corbyn.
91
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,790
His donation to our project
was a handsome one.
92
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,470
and in recognition of this it was
decided - unanimously -
93
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,350
to re-dedicate
the building in his honour.
94
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,710
Which presents us
with a slight problem,
95
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,030
as he's just been arrested,
and charged with molesting
96
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,150
several senior members
of the Women's Bright Hour. Warwick?
97
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,550
Yes, details still
coming in on this one,
98
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,590
but it seems to have occurred
at a recent garden party
99
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:12,270
where his passion for pressing the
flesh got a little out of hand.
100
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,190
Oh, please... And since that
news broke, more women
101
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,390
have come forward with similar
accounts of sexual misconduct,
102
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,390
including a dental
hygienist who claims
103
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,070
he used to put his hands
in his pockets
104
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:27,990
and...floss himself during
treatment, and an air stewardess,
105
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,870
who caught him once using
the vomit bag for other purposes.
106
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:37,030
Yes, well, this is...
not a little embarrassing.
107
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,750
Which is why we have to
look at some bold cosmetic
108
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,510
adjustments to repair the damage.
Warwick?
109
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:46,350
Yes, so another name
now obviously required.
110
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:51,990
And we were thinking,
why not the Conrad Bloyner Centre?
111
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,790
Sorry, Conrad Bloyner?
112
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,710
Not a gentleman
I'm familiar with. Well, no,
113
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,550
obviously there's no such person
called Conrad Bloyner.
114
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:03,270
But given the letters on the wall
out there for "Leonard Corbyn"
115
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:07,270
have all been individually cast
for us, at considerable cost,
116
00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,030
I think it would be somewhat
profligate to just throw them away.
117
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,630
People are rarely bothered
about the provenance of a name,
118
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,030
as long as it's crisp and memorable.
Warwick?
119
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,630
Yes, there are other contenders
you might want to consider.
120
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,350
For example,
the Orlando Crenby Centre.
121
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:27,510
A possible Eurosceptic, we thought,
in the John Major government.
122
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,590
Or Rodney Claborn,
123
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,470
could have been a local soccer hero
in the 1950s.
124
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,910
Or what about alternative comedian
turned Daily Mail
125
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,110
feature writer Brendan O'Clory?
126
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:43,910
I mean, I'd buy it.
127
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,190
Yes, look.
128
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:49,470
While I agree there's a problem
here to be addressed,
129
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,270
I'm not sure inventing local
benefactors with silly names
130
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,830
is quite the way forward, is it?
131
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,830
And if we're talking silly,
Mr Greeley, I've got a bone to pick
132
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:01,910
with you about this piece
in your latest parish newsletter.
133
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,750
"Subsidence in the south
transept of the church.
134
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,550
"could it be linked to my
predecessor turning in his grave?"
135
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,950
If that's meant to be a joke,
it's a rather lame one.
136
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,830
Oh, you know what you could have
is Ronan Clodbery,
137
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,230
Which would be...
138
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:21,070
No, rubbish, the whole thing.
Completely ridiculous.
139
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,320
We've definitely got to...re-think.
140
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,840
Morning! Mr Ipswich?
141
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,840
You ready?
142
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:10,440
It's Jonathan!
143
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,720
Mr Ipswich?
144
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,230
You ready?
145
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,270
It's Jonathan.
146
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,840
SNORING
147
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,560
Mr Ipswich?
148
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,600
You all right?
149
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:43,920
It's Jonathan.
150
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,440
Come to take you up the doctor's.
151
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,790
You need any help at all?
152
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,710
Get your hands off.
153
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,670
I've come to drive you
to the doctor's. 12:30.
154
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,520
I can't be doing with all that.
155
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,830
I've got to go to the doctor's.
156
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,000
They'll be here in a minute
to pick me up.
157
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,030
Waste of time,
there's nothing wrong with me.
158
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,920
And who are you, anyway?
159
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:18,120
Right, why don't I leave you to get
ready, and...?
160
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:30,270
Oh, is this you out here, in your
younger days? Very impressive.
161
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,750
Very similar to the kind of stuff
I used to get up to before...
162
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,510
THUD
163
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,200
GROANING
164
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,000
Oh, God.
165
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,750
So what did they say, the paramedics?
166
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,390
Did they think it was
a stroke, or...?
167
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,790
How serious, we'll have to wait
and see, but...
168
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,510
It'll be no hardship getting
out of that house for a while.
169
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,990
Place hasn't seen a lick of paint
since his wife died.
170
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,680
That's got to be 50 years ago.
171
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,110
Be the perfect time now actually,
to try and get in there, while
172
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,550
he's not around, and blow away
some of those cobwebs.
173
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,790
Oh, yes!
174
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:13,710
Now then, what do you think?
175
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,350
Specially commissioned
for the church vestibule
176
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,190
by our very own Dr Gilpin.
177
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,190
Such a talent. People amaze me.
178
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,630
Yes, think I saw this through
the window in her studio...
179
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,950
Do you see what she's done?
Very clever.
180
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,910
All the figures in the crowd,
she's made into local parishioners.
181
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,440
Mr and Mrs Gibbs,
look, from the butcher's.
182
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,480
Mrs Prosser...
183
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,830
Mr Greeley...
184
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,550
Yours truly, and Hugh. And, look!
185
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:48,710
She's even managed to squeeze the
two of you in at the last minute.
186
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,120
How sweet is that?
187
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,400
Yes, it's, erm...
Such a cute little twist.
188
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,040
What do you mean?
189
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,830
Giving you pride of place
among the cherubim.
190
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,160
Obviously saw your angelic qualities.
191
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,390
Jonathan, how are you?
192
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,270
Are you well? Yes, I'm good.
Ow! So sorry!
193
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,870
No. It's just...
since this morning.
194
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,800
I think I overdid it a bit -
whacking the ketchup bottle.
195
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,030
No, it's fine. Yes.
196
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,320
Shall we, um...?
197
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,630
Oh, isn't he divine?
198
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,510
Well, not literally, of course,
199
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,270
I have to be careful what
I say around here.
200
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:39,950
And you've got all the toys, look,
and gadgets and paraphernalia....
201
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,270
Oh, gone completely overboard.
What do you expect, I know...
202
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,430
Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Chater,
but there appears to be a man
203
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,880
down there relieving
himself against your hedge.
204
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,190
Oh, yes. He looks as if he's starting
to flag, doesn't he?
205
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,960
Perhaps I'll just pop down,
see if he needs a top-up.
206
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,280
Ah, I feel I must explain.
207
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,070
This chap, who's come to do some
garden work for us,
208
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,270
I happened to mention, we've got
a plague of badgers at the moment,
209
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,470
churning up the lawn every night, he
said the one thing that deters them,
210
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,230
apparently, is male human urine.
So...
211
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,910
What with that,
and this other strange creature,
212
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:24,670
that's been seen on the prowl...
yes, it is quite scary.
213
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,790
Strange creature?
Oh, yes, he's a "beast from Hell"
214
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,230
according to
Mr Stebbings on the corner.
215
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,790
He says he was coming
home from the pub the other night,
216
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,550
and as he passed our house,
he saw this huge,
217
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,630
hump-backed thing
crawling across the grass.
218
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:44,030
Far too big for any dog.
Or a small deer, even.
219
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:47,030
He says it looked at him
through the bushes for a moment,
220
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:52,520
with these demonic, glowing green
eyes, and then...vanished.
221
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,630
One for your collection maybe?
222
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,910
Don't they say you're
a bit of a mystery-solver?
223
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:03,150
Wonder if he could help us, your
man, with our Japanese knotweed.
224
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,110
Cos I think we might have a
slight problem.
225
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,550
Oh, no, really? You might want to
keep that one to yourself.
226
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,110
They get so much as a sniff
of anything like that round here,
227
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,950
we'll have a mass
panic on our hands.
228
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,070
And I know someone else
who'll start panicking,
229
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:19,230
if we don't let him
get his 40 winks.
230
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,950
So...time to leave
you to the Sandman, I think.
231
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,760
Let him work his magic,
and bring you lots of nice dreams.
232
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,070
So that's that, then.
233
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,350
I might as well walk about now with
a large white arrow
234
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,230
pointing at my flies.
235
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,190
And painted by a doctor!
What are people going to think,
236
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,750
I've got some unfortunate
hormone deficiency.
237
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,870
You see what I mean,
it's very worrying.
238
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:52,670
But what do we do about it?
And Ancient Palestine, you can't even claim it was a cold day.
239
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,750
I'm sorry, it's just pure
vindictiveness!
240
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,320
Are you listening to me?
241
00:17:58,440 --> 00:17:59,990
Sorry...
242
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,590
Whereabouts?
These look like carrots to me.
243
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,630
They are carrots.
And before you ask me why,
244
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,990
my father would grow
carrots in a wood - he just did.
245
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,440
As long as I can remem...
246
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,150
What? No, I just got that
thing again.
247
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:19,630
That kind of cold shudder
I had in the bedroom.
248
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,430
When he mentioned the Sandman?
249
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,590
Yeah, to do with a dream
I used to have.
250
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,920
Like this nightmare...
251
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,190
..about the Sandman.
252
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,790
Who I know's supposed to be this
friendly old character,
253
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,760
who sprinkles sand in your eyes,
and sends you off to sleep.
254
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,880
In my dream, he's not a nice
person at all.
255
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:45,270
But this...terrifying figure of
evil
256
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,960
who calls round your house
in the middle of the night and...
257
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,430
And does what?
258
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,120
I don't know.
259
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,710
I don't know.
260
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:03,200
It scared me so much, I always woke
up at that point in a cold sweat.
261
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,480
PHONE BEEPS
262
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,230
How do we feel about this?
Message from Alison.
263
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,630
She says while he's away in
hospital - old Mr Ipswich -
264
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,190
she's going to get a little
decorating party together.
265
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,030
Try and make it a bit more
welcoming.
266
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,030
We'd be up for that, wouldn't we?
267
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:39,760
Suppose so. 10 Rillington Place
would be more welcoming.
268
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,070
Come on, it's what people do.
269
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,320
You're not living
in a windmill any more.
270
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,590
You have to engage with
the community.
271
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,440
Yes, what community would that be,
Twin Peaks?
272
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,510
What happened to that quiet little
haven of rural serenity
273
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,590
we were going to escape to,
after a busy day at the office?
274
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,040
I know.
275
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,880
You going to be long? Two secs.
276
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,350
So, how much longer do you reckon?
277
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:19,110
Cos I'm slightly
going off the boil here.
278
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,950
I know, but very important to stretch
before any physical exercise.
279
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,910
Don't want to get cramp.
280
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,470
It's good for getting the blood
flowing into the tissues.
281
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,560
It's having the opposite
effect on me, I have to say.
282
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,830
And will you stop with that
constant inspection?!
283
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,310
I'll have a quiet word with
her tomorrow,
284
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:42,070
get her to put a tiny wisp of gauze
over it or something.
285
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,590
Why a TINY wisp of gauze?
Why do you say that?
286
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,950
There's no need to be
stingy with the gauze.
287
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,480
Plenty of gauze to go around.
288
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,520
Were you like this as a child?
289
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,870
Insecure or what?
Well, I just think...
290
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:02,390
Oh, this is a joke - surely?
What now?
291
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,990
Latest edition of Mr Greeley's
parish newsletter!
292
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,870
"Fears of massive Biblical
retribution swept through
293
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,390
"the village this week,
294
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:14,310
"after a local businessman became
embroiled in a sleazy sex scandal.
295
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,990
"The Book of Revelation talks
of Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse -
296
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,590
"Death, War, Pestilence and Famine,
297
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,310
"three of which have already
materialised.
298
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:28,710
"Death - the sudden passing on
Friday of Mrs Enid Spackwell,
299
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:33,270
"aged 94. War - the boundary dispute
over who owns the ditch
300
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:36,350
"next to the Angler's Arms.
Pestilence -
301
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,750
"a plague of badgers near the
church, and more alarming still,
302
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,640
"the threat of Japanese knotweed
engulfing the village!
303
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,710
"It's stressed there is no sign
yet of any famine,
304
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,510
"and no reason whatever to resort
to panic buying."
305
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,870
Well, we can guess what the
result of that'll be.
306
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,590
How the hell did
he get hold of that?
307
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,400
That is just creepy. Isn't it?
308
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,590
As is the curious account of that
strange wild beast
309
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,990
that was sighted in the vicarage
garden the other night.
310
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,800
But there's no account
of that in here.
311
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,760
That is what is curious.
312
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:38,040
It's all right, darling, it's only
the Sandman.
313
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,080
It's all right, darling,
it's only the Sandman.
314
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,470
It's just the Sandman.
315
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,360
The Sandman.
316
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,760
It's just the Sandman.
317
00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:59,840
It's just the Sandman.
318
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,080
Morning!
319
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,680
Thanks a lot, cheers.
320
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,230
Oh, hi, welcome to the Middle Ages!
321
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,710
Think we just found some more
bits of Richard the Third
322
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,430
in the guest bedroom,
I can't be totally sure, but...
323
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,870
Wow, he's going to be in for a
surprise, when he gets back.
324
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,150
Oh, no, he's well aware
what we're up to.
325
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,550
I mean, he was looking a poor old
soul last night,
326
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,750
when I went to visit, but you know
what?
327
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,270
I'm hoping this will give him
a reason to pull through.
328
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,550
So, what do you fancy?
329
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,590
You've got five layers of wallpaper
in this room
330
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:03,470
we are currently chipping our way
through.
331
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,230
Or if you want to make sense of all
the lumber out there
332
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,190
which is like bills and bank
statements and Christmas cards
333
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,160
dating back 20 years or more.
334
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:17,310
Yeah, give that a go.
This wrist is still giving me grief.
335
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:19,910
Can you believe -
just from smacking the sauce out?
336
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,280
How many days ago now?
337
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,590
So, Astrodamus, what was that,
338
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,710
some kind of fortune telling act
he used to do?
339
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,070
Ringing a slight bell now.
Apparently the world's worst.
340
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:40,550
If you read some of those scrapbooks
and cuttings,
341
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:44,160
talk about him being booed off the
stage every night - it's very sad.
342
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,270
Didn't Jonathan used to be
involved with that sort of, erm...?
343
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,470
Yes, for years.
344
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,030
But then, you know, it's that thing
with creative people.
345
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,830
So easy to get into a rut,
346
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,270
so important to maintain
the stimulation...
347
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:01,750
As he never tires of telling us.
How do you mean? Well!
348
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,950
I'm broad-minded, Polly, but there
are some things
349
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,790
I don't think you need to
keep sharing with everyone, do you?
350
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,790
What does he call it?
"Whacking the ketchup bottle"
351
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,350
and "smacking the sauce out".
352
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,230
What on earth are you talking about?
353
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:17,720
I think we get the drift, don't we?
Scattering his seed?
354
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,590
You want me to spell it out...?
355
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,670
Oh, look, can we just drop the
subject?
356
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,160
And pretend I never mentioned...
357
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:26,800
Hello.
358
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,680
What's this?
359
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,040
Looks like some writing.
360
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:37,760
"Will Win."
361
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,360
What will win, I wonder?
362
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:44,600
Load of numbers.
363
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:51,240
Must have meant something once, I
suppose, to somebody. Yes...
364
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,070
What? No...
365
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,920
Oh, no, come on.
366
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:03,960
Going right off my trolley now,
Alison, sorry, but I just have to...
367
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:10,470
How many layers of paper are
we saying here, five?
368
00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,070
So we're thinking this writing
has been under there for what -
369
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:16,190
anything up to 50 years?
370
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:19,230
Oh, well, no, this is really
freaking me out now, I'm sorry
371
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:23,270
because... Because what?
Leonard Corbyn.
372
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,750
Our disgraced local
benefactor at the village hall?
373
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,520
These are his winning
lottery numbers.
374
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,510
I mean, all this stuff,
this mind-reading
375
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:38,310
and astral prediction stuff -
is all just a trick, obviously?
376
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:41,910
This is a trick.
It has to be. I don't know.
377
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:46,510
Even if there was any way
of faking all that wallpaper - which, remember,
378
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,950
the whole room's then got to match -
how does he know you're going to
379
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,190
come in here at some vague point
in the future and take it all off?
380
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,550
But to have just come up
with those exact six numbers?
381
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,550
Decades before it happened.
382
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,670
Would make the Amazing Astrodamus -
AKA Eric Ipswich -
383
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,200
the most impressive
clairvoyant who ever lived.
384
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:14,080
Small piece of plaster come
off here, between the two words.
385
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,750
Still stuck to the paper maybe?
386
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,950
And that's significant?
387
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,790
Always safe to assume,
Mrs Chater, there's nothing
388
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:28,310
that's insignificant. You still
got that local press report there?
389
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:31,430
Just said the whole thing was
a complete one-off.
390
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,230
"First time ever he'd done
the lottery - just went out
391
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:38,510
"and bought a ticket, completely
random numbers, on a total whim.
392
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,590
"Said his wife Rebecca, 51 -
'It was such a shock,
393
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,710
" 'and so unlike him
in the first place.
394
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,830
" 'I'm still waiting to come
back down to earth.' "
395
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,310
Ah!
396
00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,160
Now...
397
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:56,390
I think... Looks like a small cross.
398
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:59,870
Oh, good! So that tells us
everything, then.
399
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,760
I think I'm ready for a strong cup
of coffee.
400
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:09,280
And? Does it tell us anything?
Well, it depends how you look at it.
401
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,030
Quite literally.
402
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,270
But it does at least suggest
one very slender,
403
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:17,030
possible line of inquiry.
404
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:20,710
I mean, what on earth do you think
we're looking at then, some sort of
405
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:25,160
amazingly elaborate set-up, designed
to just freak us all out, or...?
406
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:29,560
Well.
407
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:35,150
A very calculated deception
is certainly part of it,
408
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,670
but...strangely, I can't help
feeling it has nothing to do
409
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,480
with this writing on the wall.
410
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:15,430
And now!
411
00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:18,150
By means of collusion with
the celestial forces
412
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:23,200
that shape our destiny,
I shall make my prediction!
413
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:32,000
And place it in this envelope, which
I will hand to the lovely Delia.
414
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:37,920
And, Jessie.
415
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,550
If you would
peel off the cellophane from that
416
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:47,480
deck of playing cards, thank you?
417
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,910
Break the seal,
and carefully slide out the pack
418
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:56,920
and place it on the table.
419
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,230
Cut the pack,
420
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:07,240
and show the card you have
just chosen to the audience.
421
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,110
SHE SNEEZES
422
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:21,120
SHOUTS OF EXASPERATION
423
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:29,990
No, wait - that was...
Please, don't go.
424
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:31,080
Please...!
425
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:44,080
So he WAS just completely
rubbish, basically. Well...
426
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,710
Anyway, thank you, Mr Greeley,
for fishing that out.
427
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:49,910
One of his last ever performances,
sadly.
428
00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,430
Just before he gave it all up
to go to work in a bank.
429
00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:55,950
Why all the critics all had to be so
cruel... We all have our off-days.
430
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:59,070
No doubt this whole affair will be
featuring prominently
431
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,830
in the next edition of
your parish newsletter?
432
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,030
Well... A more astonishing
phenomenon would be hard to imagine,
433
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:09,550
and when a man of YOUR reputation is
baffled, what else are we to think?
434
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:14,270
That his powers of clairvoyance
were more remarkable than anyone gave him credit for?
435
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:17,550
That now, 40 years after
Astrodamus retired,
436
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,230
we may be witnessing
his finest hour?
437
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:24,030
Erm...I don't think so. Do you?
438
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,550
Well... Time will tell, Mr Creek.
439
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:29,670
Remember,
not everyone shares your cynicism.
440
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:33,990
I think you'll find that round here
most people's minds are still very much open...
441
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:37,430
to all sorts of
wondrous possibilities.
442
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,640
Yes. I had noticed.
443
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,320
CHATTERING
444
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,830
In the words of Ebenezer Scrooge -
I'll retire to Bedlam.
445
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:16,070
That's why we call them your flock,
darling, because they behave like sheep.
446
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:18,630
Did you get the bread rolls?
Last two in the shop.
447
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,830
Like a plague of locusts had
been through.
448
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,440
TEXT ALERT
449
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,910
Now, that's awkward. The rector
at St Mark's has got whooping cough.
450
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,750
He's asking if I could step in
tonight for their evensong.
451
00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:34,790
Well, how is that going to work
with my hospital visits?
452
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:37,790
You know Sally and Frida
are both tied up on Mondays.
453
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,950
Where are we going to find
a baby-sitter at this short notice?
454
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:44,070
So, you know where everything is -
I'd imagine Hugh's going to be back
455
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:47,910
probably nine at the latest,
and honestly, I don't think you'll have any trouble,
456
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:50,870
but you've got both our mobiles...
Yes. Yes.
457
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:55,230
No, no, if it's of any help to you
in your deliberations, be my guest.
458
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:58,670
I think those'll be the parish
records for the period you're after.
459
00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:00,670
Births, deaths and marriages.
460
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:03,670
I'm amazed they were all still here,
to be honest.
461
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,110
Well...it's definitely a long shot,
but
462
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:09,830
pre-Google, I wasn't sure
where else to look, so...thanks.
463
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,390
Listen, we can't tell you
how much we appreciate this. Our pleasure. We'll be fine!
464
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:16,800
Bye, Polly. Bye, Jonathan!
You're an angel!
465
00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:25,480
THUNDER RUMBLES
466
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:37,320
Fast a-kip up there now, bless him.
467
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:43,440
Such a shame they have to grow up,
isn't it? And become people.
468
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:53,910
You know, I don't know how
you could take offence at this.
469
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,080
It was so tastefully done.
470
00:33:57,080 --> 00:34:00,950
Yes, I was talking to
a woman in the post office this morning who'd been in to see it.
471
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,320
She said she particularly liked
the way my penis followed her round the room.
472
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,280
What is it you're
looking for in there, anyway, or am I not allowed to ask?
473
00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:14,070
What's that, marriages you're on now?
From the '60s?
474
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:16,590
It's the most tenuous of theories,
but
475
00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:21,710
unfortunately it's the only one
I've got. If I'm wrong, I'm just going to look like a pillock.
476
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:23,470
But on the other ha...
477
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:25,510
hand...
478
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:29,150
Ah-ah-ah! There you go.
479
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,590
Just goes to show, if you look
long enough and hard enough, you'll find it.
480
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:34,470
Hooray! The God particle(?)
481
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,040
CLAP OF THUNDER
482
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:39,790
Watch your language in here. Sorry.
483
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,430
Still a long way from
locking it up of course, but
484
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:45,560
proof at least we could be
on the right track. Oh, good.
485
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:50,800
Very obvious to YOUR eyes,
I'm sure, but...
486
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:53,150
No?
487
00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,670
Isn't it funny -
you still can't see it?
488
00:34:55,720 --> 00:34:57,320
CLAP OF THUNDER
489
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:13,870
What? No, it's... Out there.
490
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:15,800
I thought I saw something.
491
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:02,120
RUSTLING
492
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:14,430
What WAS that? What did you see?
493
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,030
Too quick. Soon as I got near
it was off through the bushes
494
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:19,440
and then...I dunno,
into those trees somewhere.
495
00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:24,680
CLAP OF THUNDER
496
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:36,870
What IS that?
497
00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:39,120
It's like a giant paw print.
498
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:43,920
Not like any paw print
I've ever seen.
499
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:47,280
This was made by a human hand.
500
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,520
BABY WAILS
Oh...
501
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,080
Oh, dear...
BABY WAILS
502
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:04,590
Oooh... Think we might have
a bit of a leak here actually.
503
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,830
Remedial action definitely required.
504
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,830
Oh, of course...
505
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:14,440
That's exactly it -
what's been going on.
506
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:17,550
Clear as crystal now.
507
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:19,910
What is? What have you seen now?
508
00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:22,310
Nothing we didn't see the first time
we came in this room,
509
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:24,150
only now of course
it's screaming at us.
510
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,190
Yes, well, not the only thing
that's screaming...?
511
00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:30,350
Oh, yeah. Sorry...
512
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:31,710
What an extraordinary thing.
513
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:35,190
So, what do we think? The plot
just thickens then, basically?
514
00:37:35,240 --> 00:37:39,710
Or not, actually. If you're in
any doubt still about Mr Stebbings' "beast from hell"
515
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,710
then this bin bag
should pretty much seal it.
516
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,390
Even the most
prodigious of carnivores
517
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:48,190
don't tend to be THAT handy
with a Stanley knife.
518
00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:50,670
And you put this together with
that handprint over there,
519
00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:53,150
and the two glowing green eyes...
520
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,920
Good Lord.
What on earth are you suggesting?
521
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,000
DOOR RATTLES
522
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,670
Oh, my God, what a night.
523
00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:43,990
This is doing my nerves
no good at all - waking up terrified to death every morning.
524
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:46,350
Sandman again?
525
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,710
SHE SIGHS
Didn't help, all that business in the garden.
526
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:51,590
Strange apparitions in the bushes.
527
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:53,350
And whatever time did YOU get in
finally?
528
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:56,110
I looked at the clock, half past
five, you still weren't there.
529
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,070
Can't believe you had to go
back to that place.
530
00:38:58,120 --> 00:38:59,990
Ferreting around
at all hours of the night.
531
00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:02,960
Yeah, got back about...
six, I think it was, in the end.
532
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:08,240
And how come you're so bloody fresh
on one-and-a-half hours' sleep, when I've had eight and I'm wrecked?
533
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,040
So what am I looking at here?
534
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:16,670
Three old Christmas cards from...
535
00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:19,400
Captain Ian Amery-Cooper?
536
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:21,920
SHE SIGHS
537
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:31,990
It's a drug, isn't it?
We're never going to wean you off.
538
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,630
Pointless, I suppose, to even try.
539
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:38,870
Could have been a dead end.
There was no guarantee.
540
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:42,710
The old mental flow chart. You know,
one black bin bag led to another.
541
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,310
20-odd years' worth
of Christmas cards?
542
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,150
If you're looking for
an old family friend,
543
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:51,070
seemed like a good place
to start. An old family friend...
544
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,550
Who the hell is Ian Amery-Cooper?
545
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:56,390
Someone who's going to explain
how a set of winning lottery numbers
546
00:39:56,440 --> 00:40:00,390
were painted on a wall 50 years
before anyone picked them out?
547
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,150
That's what I'm hoping.
548
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,790
I would try and take you
through it, but...
549
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,240
first day back at the office?
I know you don't want to be late.
550
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:24,110
Definitely. We'll have that
storyboarded up for you by Monday at the latest, so
551
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:27,280
hopefully talking figures
middle of next week. Bye-bye. Bye.
552
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:17,350
..By means of collusion
with the celestial forces that shape our destiny...
553
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:20,480
I shall make my prediction!
554
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:29,320
No, wait - that was...
Please, don't go.
555
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:32,230
Yes...
556
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:34,630
Yes, yes.
557
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:39,630
Thank you, Mr Greeley.
That could well be more helpful than you imagined.
558
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:42,800
No, no, that's fine.
What time would be good for you?
559
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:46,070
OK. Great.
560
00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:49,070
No, I'm hoping actually
it'll be very much
561
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:50,870
to your advantage, so...
562
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:54,710
Yeah. See you then. Bye.
563
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:56,830
Very much to whose advantage?
564
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:58,870
How did it go
with the number crunchers?
565
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:03,590
Erm...yeah, good, good,
that's all going to work out.
566
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:05,510
What are your plans tonight?
567
00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:08,430
No idea. But I've got a feeling
you're about to tell me.
568
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:10,510
Well, if we can get
everything to slot together,
569
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:14,190
I think tonight might just see
a resolution to our puzzle.
570
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,990
Though I'm going to need a bit
of help from you in the meantime.
571
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:18,030
Go on.
572
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:20,910
I think we've got quite enough
ammunition now
573
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:23,630
to flush him out, but...
574
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:27,240
something tells me that
Sir Leonard Corbyn's going to pay more attention to a woman.
575
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:36,030
We've definitely come
to the right place here?
576
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:38,430
As per the instructions.
577
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:40,870
HE SNIFFS
Hmm...
578
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:42,680
Think that tells the story.
579
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:51,160
HUBBUB OF VOICES
580
00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:06,350
Mr Creek - good evening.
581
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:09,880
Ah. Polly, can I introduce
Captain Ian Amery-Cooper?
582
00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:17,310
Mmm... This is welcome.
583
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:22,190
Homeless, rudderless, but
not yet hopeless, we like to feel.
584
00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:26,350
And culinary discretion
certainly unimpaired. They won't put up with any slop.
585
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,430
Premises far from ideal, of course,
586
00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:31,160
but until that spanking new hostel
lands in our lap...
587
00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:36,790
So. Yes, I'm sorry
I seem to have proved so elusive.
588
00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:40,070
The "captain" bit
had pretty much defeated me.
589
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:45,150
Armed forces, serving and retired -
not an Amery-Cooper in sight.
590
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:50,480
Till it came back to me,
a fleeting image of a different kind of uniform in that old bit of film.
591
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:53,910
I imagine would have been...
592
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:55,600
Yes. My father, God bless him.
593
00:43:56,560 --> 00:43:58,520
Which is what led you to us.
594
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,990
But what a strange
and convoluted business.
595
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,390
I've no idea how you made
all those connections.
596
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:07,750
Obviously very happy
to fill in the gaps for you,
597
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,230
but did you say
you'd also invited, erm...?
598
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:14,630
Well, not so much an invitation,
more an appeal to his conscience, if he had one.
599
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:17,910
CAR ENGINE
600
00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:20,840
And it appears...that he has.
601
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:34,070
So, in addition to all
the other charges currently being
602
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:37,710
levelled against you, Mr Corbyn,
would it be fair to add one more?
603
00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:41,950
The charge of fraudulently depriving
this man of his lottery winnings?
604
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,750
All right. I'm here, aren't I?
605
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:47,070
That tells you everything
you need to know.
606
00:44:47,120 --> 00:44:49,510
I never imagined
this was going to be pleasant,
607
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:54,600
so let's just hear what
you've got to say, and skip the rhetorical questions.
608
00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,990
A miraculous prediction,
discovered a few days ago,
609
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:02,950
of your six random numbers
610
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,830
was clearly never
anything of the kind.
611
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:11,110
Odds against that happening would be
astronomical, even for Astrodamus.
612
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:15,110
But people do pick lottery numbers
all the time that aren't random.
613
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:17,750
And those numbers come up.
614
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:19,990
And the only way this made sense
615
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:23,190
would be if the winning line
on that lottery ticket had actually
616
00:45:23,240 --> 00:45:26,750
been chosen in the first place
because it appeared on that wall.
617
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:29,590
Which would make your claim
of a chance selection
618
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:32,320
purchased "on a total whim"...
619
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:36,230
..suddenly rather suspect.
620
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:39,070
And might well raise the question,
621
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:43,040
was that gift to the village hall
made more out of guilt than charity?
622
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:46,670
So what was the real story here?
623
00:45:46,720 --> 00:45:49,830
The words underneath
had to be the trigger.
624
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:54,270
"Will win" -
just a bit too good to be true.
625
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:57,310
But with that little symbol
in between them...
626
00:45:57,360 --> 00:46:02,030
not a cross, I would suggest,
but a plus sign,
627
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:03,400
all a bit more mundane.
628
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:08,350
Two screw-marks
in the skirting board
629
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:13,150
suggested a nearby phone point
in the bedroom, years ago.
630
00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:16,790
Mid-60s, probably
not something that common.
631
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:19,990
And then how much of a stretch is it
to imagine our young Mr Ipswich
632
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:22,870
there one day,
redecorating the bedroom,
633
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:25,950
walls all nicely plastered,
waiting to be papered,
634
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:29,110
when he gets a call
from a friend in the village.
635
00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:30,920
PHONE RINGS
636
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:33,150
Hello?
637
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:35,350
Can I suggest one of your parents?
638
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:36,710
My mother's family,
639
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:40,510
and my father's, would both have
been connected around the same time.
640
00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:43,750
So we'd be talking three years
before they were married,
641
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,510
five before I was born.
642
00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:47,270
One of them, at any rate,
643
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:50,870
has just called to give him
the two new phone numbers.
644
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:54,360
He's standing there with his hands
full - what does he do?
645
00:47:06,080 --> 00:47:09,710
So a couple called William
and Winifred, as it happens,
646
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:12,710
weren't that hard to trace,
when it came to it.
647
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:16,430
And obvious candidates for the real
owners of that lottery ticket,
648
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:18,270
if they were still around.
649
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:23,310
If not, maybe someone
closely related
650
00:47:23,360 --> 00:47:26,830
who might have kept in touch
for a while, at Christmas...
651
00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:29,830
I never knew, obviously,
about that writing on the wall.
652
00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:32,030
But I'd seen something similar once
653
00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:36,110
in an address book an old friend
of the family fished out.
654
00:47:36,160 --> 00:47:39,870
The way all those figures fell, and
the thing with my parents' names,
655
00:47:39,920 --> 00:47:42,200
well, it was just
meant to be, wasn't it?
656
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:46,840
"One day," I thought, "who knows?
Maybe I 'will win'."
657
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:51,790
And then, after 12 years,
every week, of trying,
658
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:53,440
the ultimate cruelty.
659
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:17,270
INAUDIBLE
660
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:19,870
I won't repeat what I said
when I watched the draw.
661
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:21,310
The following three weeks,
662
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:24,190
thankfully, I was out of
the country in Southern Angola.
663
00:48:24,240 --> 00:48:26,990
Helps to put things
into perspective, rather.
664
00:48:27,040 --> 00:48:29,710
The most bizarre thing, you know -
665
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,750
when something like that
lands at your feet...
666
00:48:32,800 --> 00:48:34,630
'From the way I lead my life,
667
00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:38,510
'I might have expected
some kind of censure or reckoning,
668
00:48:38,560 --> 00:48:41,790
'but instead, here was this -
669
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,720
'a sudden, overwhelming
endorsement.' Woo!
670
00:48:48,960 --> 00:48:51,200
TV: Coming from now is number 32.
671
00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:56,640
It's number 47!
672
00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:03,640
And finally, for our jackpot number
this week, it's number 30!
673
00:49:05,240 --> 00:49:06,840
HE CHUCKLES
674
00:49:12,520 --> 00:49:16,670
'What other message
to take from that but "enjoy"?'
675
00:49:16,720 --> 00:49:20,230
Foolish, I suppose,
to think that's how the world works.
676
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:23,310
Much of the time, sadly, it does.
677
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:24,630
But that's the challenge
678
00:49:24,680 --> 00:49:27,190
for those of us who believe
in more than this world.
679
00:49:27,240 --> 00:49:28,920
The sordid question of...
680
00:49:30,360 --> 00:49:33,990
Yes. Er, no. To be addressed. Sure.
681
00:49:34,040 --> 00:49:37,950
You said something about
a...spanking new hostel.
682
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,550
Goodness, yes.
683
00:49:39,600 --> 00:49:41,400
The Bernard Cloony Centre, perhaps.
684
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:44,920
Sorry. No. Stop it!
685
00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:50,430
ALISON: Just off then now, darling,
see you later!
686
00:49:50,480 --> 00:49:51,920
Yes, take care! Bye!
687
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:56,040
DOOR CLOSES
688
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:00,750
Hi, it's me.
689
00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:02,390
Where are you?
690
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:04,270
Yes, sounds perfect.
691
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:06,310
So...that little thing we discussed -
692
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:09,240
do you think now would be
the right time to go for it?
693
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:16,310
Wonder how he'll be,
after everything.
694
00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:18,190
According to the sister on the ward,
695
00:50:18,240 --> 00:50:20,390
they're really thrilled
with his progress.
696
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:23,590
Ironically, once the word got through
about this big prediction
697
00:50:23,640 --> 00:50:25,950
it seemed to be
a bit of a turning point.
698
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:28,390
She said he's virtually back
to his old self.
699
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:29,990
Oh, dear.
700
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:34,390
No, it's been quite a triumph
all around, indeed! Hmm.
701
00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:37,310
Mr Ipswich. Hi, how you doing?
702
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:39,150
Exceedingly well, since you ask!
703
00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:41,470
You remember Jonathan? And I'm Polly.
704
00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:44,550
He's had quite a busy time of it
since he got back, haven't you?
705
00:50:44,600 --> 00:50:48,550
Visits and phone calls
from neighbours and well-wishers...
706
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:50,430
Local TV news team,
707
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:53,830
cameras and lights, the lot.
708
00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:56,320
All wanting to know how I did it.
709
00:50:57,440 --> 00:50:59,590
But that would be telling.
710
00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:03,350
Yes, I'm considering
making a comeback!
711
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:05,030
Well, let's not get carried away.
712
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:06,790
What do you mean? Great idea!
713
00:51:06,840 --> 00:51:09,950
Whole new fan base out there,
don't want to let them down.
714
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:11,710
Mr Creek was a bit of a sceptic,
of course.
715
00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:15,430
TEXT MESSAGE TONE
But he's laughing on the other side of his face now.
716
00:51:15,480 --> 00:51:17,110
That's a mark of your genius
717
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:20,280
that even he's had to cry off
in ignominious defeat.
718
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:23,430
Hmm. Yes.
719
00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:26,240
Mr Greeley, have you got a second?
I wouldn't mind a quick word.
720
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:53,430
Mr Greeley, much as we all value
the role of your parish magazine
721
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:55,910
in keeping us abreast of local news,
722
00:51:55,960 --> 00:51:57,670
I just wondered if you'd agree
723
00:51:57,720 --> 00:52:00,270
there are certain codes of practice
to be observed
724
00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:02,550
in the gathering of that news.
725
00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:05,070
Well, how do you mean? Of course,
726
00:52:05,120 --> 00:52:08,270
one would never want to cross
the line into any, shall we say,
727
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:09,790
unethical behaviour...
728
00:52:09,840 --> 00:52:13,830
Oh, good. I just wondered
how you felt, Mr Greeley,
729
00:52:13,880 --> 00:52:15,990
about the professional ethics of,
730
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:19,120
for example, hacking into
someone's baby monitor?
731
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:22,270
Erm....
732
00:52:22,320 --> 00:52:24,030
How would that work, exactly?
733
00:52:24,080 --> 00:52:26,590
From your point of view,
quite easily, I imagine.
734
00:52:26,640 --> 00:52:30,950
The stories come in, no questions
asked, you just print them.
735
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:35,030
Stories based on intimate
conversations about badgers,
736
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:39,670
and Japanese knotweed, in
the privacy of someone's bedroom.
737
00:52:39,720 --> 00:52:41,790
Obviously I can't reveal my sources,
738
00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:46,870
but it would appear that only
15 minutes ago a "rogue reporter"
739
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:48,760
was actually caught in the act.
740
00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:51,720
Hi, it's me. Where are you?
741
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:54,550
Yeah, sounds perfect.
742
00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:57,350
So, that little thing we discussed -
743
00:52:57,400 --> 00:53:00,160
you think now would be
the right time to go for it?
744
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:02,830
The coast is clear.
745
00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:05,310
I think we can settle this
once and for all, don't you?
746
00:53:05,360 --> 00:53:07,630
No problem. I'm on the case.
747
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:11,790
Oh, would you believe it,
it looks as if Mr Creek was right.
748
00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:13,710
MONITOR CRACKLES
749
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:18,000
So, you'll be the man who's been
going through our rubbish.
750
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:22,760
And that large shape that was seen
crawling into the bushes...
751
00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:27,310
..through the eyes of a passer-by
752
00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:30,200
well tanked up
from a night at the pub...
753
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:37,830
Not really mysterious enough,
did you think,
754
00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:39,390
to be worthy of inclusion?
755
00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:42,710
Good grief! Well, I shall certainly
look into this one, rest assured.
756
00:53:42,760 --> 00:53:46,990
And if I hear there's been any hint
of chicanery on anyone's part...
757
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:49,270
You wouldn't be
in the least surprised.
758
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:53,830
So anyway, lovely fresh bedroom,
Mr Ipswich. Are you pleased?
759
00:53:53,880 --> 00:53:55,710
Brought you some fruit, look.
760
00:53:55,760 --> 00:53:58,710
And also some magazines...
761
00:53:58,760 --> 00:54:00,510
and puzzle books.
762
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:03,680
Nothing of any practical use, then.
763
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:06,480
And who are you?
764
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:12,520
POLLY SHRIEKS
765
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:15,550
Want to make this quick and painless.
766
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:18,710
Tell us what you got that's worth
taking, and where we can find it.
767
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:21,190
Bollocks to that.
Get out of my house!
768
00:54:21,240 --> 00:54:23,190
Or you'll do what, Grandpa?
769
00:54:23,240 --> 00:54:24,800
Or I'll do this.
770
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:29,070
SHE SCREAMS
771
00:54:29,120 --> 00:54:30,190
THEY LAUGH
772
00:54:30,240 --> 00:54:33,480
Think you'll scare us with a toy,
do you? Why don't we find out?
773
00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:36,320
Shit!
774
00:54:37,680 --> 00:54:38,960
Shit!
775
00:54:40,320 --> 00:54:42,440
GUNSHOTS CONTINUE, GLASS BREAKS
776
00:54:52,280 --> 00:54:55,760
Panic over. Take care. All the best.
777
00:55:05,720 --> 00:55:08,550
So, Japanese knotweed not knotweed,
778
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:12,230
according to our garden expert
friend. Just something very similar.
779
00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:13,760
Panic over, good result.
780
00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:18,040
What?
781
00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:22,840
Oh, no, it's just
the way it keeps on coming back.
782
00:55:24,640 --> 00:55:26,680
Goes away for a bit, and then...
783
00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:42,230
This morning, in that room
with Mr Ipswich,
784
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:47,190
I just suddenly just saw it.
Isn't it funny? The whole thing.
785
00:55:47,240 --> 00:55:48,950
The Sandman.
786
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:52,750
I must have been,
I don't know, about five or six.
787
00:55:52,800 --> 00:55:54,640
I had this rabbit, Twitcher.
788
00:56:00,240 --> 00:56:02,750
And then that awful thing -
789
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,550
one day they told me
I had to be brave and say goodbye.
790
00:56:05,600 --> 00:56:07,670
Polly...
791
00:56:07,720 --> 00:56:09,630
INAUDIBLE OVER MUSIC
792
00:56:09,680 --> 00:56:13,190
This nice gentleman was
going to come round, the Sandman,
793
00:56:13,240 --> 00:56:15,040
and quietly put her to sleep.
794
00:56:25,040 --> 00:56:27,350
Well, I didn't know what a vet was.
795
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:30,720
To me he was just the most
frightening person in the world.
796
00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:35,920
And of course,
this is where we buried her.
797
00:56:37,400 --> 00:56:38,950
I had this stupid idea,
798
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:42,280
if we grew carrots here,
she'd always have something to eat.
799
00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:56,600
And that's how it started.
800
00:56:57,720 --> 00:56:59,520
How many fathers would do that?
801
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:02,670
Every year since.
802
00:57:02,720 --> 00:57:04,870
Right up to the end,
803
00:57:04,920 --> 00:57:07,400
he's been coming out here and...
804
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:10,520
Scattering his seed.
805
00:57:13,400 --> 00:57:18,190
Has...she been saying something
to you, about...?
806
00:57:18,240 --> 00:57:20,030
Yeah, where did that come from?
807
00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:22,230
Some weird remark she made.
808
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:26,040
I just happened to mention how my
hand was feeling a lot better now.
809
00:57:27,320 --> 00:57:28,720
HE SIGHS
810
00:57:30,160 --> 00:57:32,310
One more little mystery, I suppose,
811
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:35,480
I'll get to the bottom of,
eventually. Yes.
812
00:57:37,480 --> 00:57:39,080
Please don't.
813
00:57:39,130 --> 00:57:43,680
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