All language subtitles for Jonathan Creek s04e02 Hr.eng

- I'm off now, Mr Houseman.
- OK, Dorothy.

Mrs Houseman rang to
say she won the award.

- That's everything.
- OK, Dorothy.

I've left your itinerary
for tomorrow on your pillow.

OK, Dorothy.

Sitting here eating my heart out, baby

Waiting for some lover to come

Tried about a thousand numbers, baby

Almost rang the phone off the wall

Looking for some hot
stuff, baby, this evening

I need some hot
stuff, baby, tonight...

Back again. Sorry.

It's starting to spit. I
should have taken my umbrella.

H-h-hot
stuff

H-h-hot
stuff

Sorry I'm late.

What a load of old toss! I won't be
going to one of those again in a hurry.

Congratulations are in order.

Like being voted "Britain's Tastiest
Bottom" is the high point of my career!

Don't you start.

Just let me get all this
crap off and I can relax.

You can make me a big cup of cocoa.

How's this new musical
that you're writing for me?

When am I going to hear it?

Maybe when I get back if
the pitch goes all right.

Three days away. I'm going to miss you.

I'm pretty zonked actually.

Yeah. You get some sleep. You
don't mind if I read, do you?

Sorry. I've got to be in Soho at ten for
this press launch. I just wanted to say...

Fingernails!

I won't kiss you in case I smudge.

That'll be Angus. Have a
great time in LA. I love you.

- Hi, Angus.
- Hey.

- You all right?
- How are you?

- Nice to see you.
- You look amazing. Come on.

Here's your revised timetable.

I couldn't get you Whoopi Goldberg's
people, but I got her people's people.

His name's Skip. He sounds about 12.

And don't forget to drop in on your
father to wish him happy birthday.

So anyway... still hard at it?

- What?
- Getting plenty of work?

It's a dying craft, Dudley,
if you want the truth.

These days it's all mass production.

- Thank God for people like Adam Creek.
- Adam who?

What is his name? Adam Klaus. Magician.

Creek's the chap who designs it
all. Nice little job come in there.

Keeps me busy for a few weeks.

Right. Check-in's at
two, so I'd better...

How's Sally? There was a time when
you couldn't stop talking about her.

Sally? She's fine.

We're both very busy these
days with one thing and another.

Careful with that one. George
WB. It's on order for Miramax.

- How come his mouth doesn't move?
- He doesn't talk through his mouth.

Sophomoric humour, I
believe it's called.

Mr Houseman?

My name's Maria. I'll be your
in-flight therapist and masseuse

to make your journey comfortable.

Are you familiar with the
range of treatments we offer?

We have some fabulous...

OK. Open your eyes
now. What do you think?

This is where we want the audience to squeal with horror
- the flinch factor.

This colour scheme has
got a flinch factor of 3.5.

So give me... Let's see.

A more hideous pattern in the carpet, get
rid of the red and key in a sickly green.

Let's push the envelope.

- Post, Mr Baxter.
- Thanks, my lovely.

Morning. How's the makeover
on the makeover? Still at it?

You're early.

Carol was off sick, so
I didn't get my pedicure,

so I had to cancel the gynaecologist
- toenail confidence very important there.

Can't have him refusing at the first fence.
I've rescheduled them both for tomorrow...

What is it? Is that...?

The results of the tests.

My God. Brendan. What does it say?

It says...

61% of viewers in the 16-39 age bracket
found the show sustained their interest,

but the numbers for Jonathan
were low among ABs, C1-C2s.

I thought we were talking
about your prostate.

Is this for the gymnasium episode?

A clear majority felt he had
insufficient authority on screen.

32% didn't like his hair. 12%
had a problem with his posture.

11% thought your face was a funny
shape. 18% were offended by your shirt.

40% disapproved of your voice -

described by a C2 male as
"an irritating nasal whine. "

Give him a message for me. Ask
him to ring Jonathan Creek ASAP.

I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

If that's all, I've got more
important things I could be...

Nearly a third said they felt
more comfortable with the murderer.

On the plus side,

the network loved the idea of impossible
crimes and they've ordered 26 more.

- Plenty of time to lick you into shape.
- 26? Are they insane?

If you think I'm going back
to be ritually humiliated...

I suppose his face is an odd shape.

Maybe if we tried scooping his
hair up, it'd take the curse off it.

What always hooks an audience is if they
think the presenters are sleeping together.

Like Derek Fowlds and Basil Brush.

So let's bump up that
sexual chemistry. OK.

Lunch with Michael Grade
awaits. We'll leave you with Pam.

- Ah, Michael.
- How are you doing?

Oh, Pam. I heard about
your dog. I am so sorry.

I look like Jack Nance in "Eraserhead".

What do they know, focus groups?

Reducing us all to
intellectual cripples.

- So your dog died?
- Two months ago now.

Great big springer spaniel.
Had him since he was a puppy.

- That's rough.
- Yeah.

What's that? A new trick?

A bit of nonsense we're doing next week.

Sawing a ventriloquist's dummy in half.

The guy I've got
building it's a bit dotty.

It involves a duplicate
set of feet sticking out.

I've asked for a dozen extra,
but he may have forgotten.

Mr Houseman.

Yeah. Thanks. Just wondered
how soon we might be able to...?

Great, great. Just to
confirm, we did say 12 feet.

That's what we said, Mr Creek.
He's just due for his final varnish.

I can pop it round to your place
about five, if that's any use?

Brilliant. If I'm not
there, just leave it outside.

Relief.

Nice day outside. Do
you want a sandwich?

"OLD BLUE" BY JJ CALE)

I had an old dog and his name was
Blue Bet your life he was a good dog too

Blue chased a possum up a hollow limb

Possum won, got the best of him

Bye bye, Blue

You good dog, you

Bye bye, Blue

You good dog, you

Blue he died and died so hard
Shook the ground in my back yard

We lowered him down
with a golden chain

Every link, we'd call his name

Bye bye, Blue

You good dog, you

Bye bye, Blue

You good dog, you...

Oh, Mr Creek.

I've done your office,
bedroom and bathroom,

but the kitchen floor
might be a bit wet.

- Mavis, what in the name of hell is that?
- Sorry?

Oh, yes. There's a Mr Houseman waiting.

- He seemed quite keen to talk to you.
- Did he?

Have you gone clinically insane?

That's like the bastard son of
King Kong and Archie Andrews!

For God's sake, you
must have realised...

Hi. You'll be Jonathan Creek.

I think it was in the "BMJ" this morning.
I can bring it through. No, of course not.

Sorry, Mrs Baxter. Get
comfortable. I'll be two seconds.

You keep your feet on the
ground? No matter how things look?

No matter how macabre?
No matter how impossible?

Go on.

Perhaps you can explain how a woman
who's just had a full head of hair cut off

can grow it back again
in less than 48 hours.

From the beginning?

From the beginning?

A couple of years ago,
according to the "Sun",

I became the luckiest bastard in Britain
when I married Sally Ellen Oakley.

I know. How good is that?

Except that Sally Ellen Oakley
doesn't exist in real life.

How could she? She's an invention.

A male fantasy created by
beauticians and technicians.

In flesh and blood,
there she was in my bed.

I just wanted to watch the videos.

So you could say my defences
were down the day I met Maria.

Was she real?

Or the nearest thing to an
angel this side of heaven.

21 days of terminal ecstasy. I'm
afraid it was starting to get serious.

Of course, being a
two-timing louse isn't easy,

but I did have expert assistance
in the shape of my PA, Dorothy.

She can fix anything or say nothing.

All right. Thanks.

She did all the dirty work
- keeping it all discreet, covering my arse,

though she thought I
was on a suicide mission.

It's none of my business, but
what do you know about this person?

You don't know that her motives
aren't highly questionable,

that she's trying to copulate
her way into your wallet.

Dorothy, you're right, as usual.

It is absolutely none of your business.

OK. So here's the thing.

11.30 this morning, Maria was due to set
off on a ten-day tour of the Far East.

So yesterday, with Sally out till
six, I said why not come over for lunch

and, after, she could get
a cab to the airport hotel.

Which is all going fine until
Dorothy, in her subtle way,

tries to attract my attention.

What now, for goodness' sake?

What do you make of that?

It's addressed to you,
but in strange writing.

You've been going
through her belongings?!

What do you think it is? She's
up to some mischief or other.

- Maybe it's a present. I'll ask her.
- Don't you do anything of the kind!

This could turn out to be some vital
piece of evidence of some evil misdeed.

3.35, Sugar. What time's my cab coming?

Yeah. Any minute.

Granted. It did look kind of suspicious,

so I knuckle under and we decide to
hang on to this... whatever it is.

Then, just as I'm seeing her
off outside, disaster strikes.

Two hours early.

Was God being fair? I decide the
best thing to do is to come clean

and tell her about me and Maria.

That way we can all talk it through
like rational, mature, human beings.

I'll kill you! I'm going
to kill you, you bitch!

- Get off me!
- You rotten piece of...!

How dare you, you whore!

Screw you, you bitch!

Get out. Get out!

And stay out of our lives,
you scummy little tart!

This is where it gets weird.

We go indoors. Sally's giving me hell.

Dorothy has spotted the package,

figures it's best kept between ourselves,
but Sally's onto it like a shot.

What's this?

By now we're all pretty baffled.

We want to see what's on that tape.

I don't know what the hell I was
expecting, but it certainly wasn't that.

Please, what do you want with me?

Please tell me what you
want. I just don't understand.

Please tell me who you are.

It says, "To Dudley Houseman...

"The people holding me
prisoner are fully prepared...

"to kill me

"unless you give them what they want -

"100,000 in used banknotes.

"You've two days to acquire it.

"Further instructions will follow later.

"In the meantime, this is to make
sure you take the threat seriously. "

Oh, God.

No.

No.

Something certainly stinks about
all of this. Wouldn't you say?

That woman is so full of shit, Dudley, and,
my God, has she taken you to the cleaners.

So, as usual, Dorothy
had it all figured out.

What was her phrase? "Copulate
her way into my wallet. "

Obviously, she got together with
this guy and rigged the whole thing.

Short of hacking off her
ear, they made it look real.

The tape would go in the post, I
end up shafted for a hundred grand.

Literally.

OK. So that was a narrow escape.

Meanwhile, I've...

messed up my life, my marriage

and somehow I've got to pull
it all back together again.

But the $64,000 question is,
how did her hair grow back?

That "Radio Times", I've checked.
It was printed two days before.

When Sally was dragging her down the
drive, it was coming out at the roots.

It was like it was absolutely for real
- both times.

Yet how could it have been?

I need some answers...

before I completely
lose touch with reality.

There's some amazing bald caps.
The problem's what goes underneath.

That much hair, you've got no chance.

And when the camera goes in really
close, you won't get away with it.

Unless it's been got at technically.

You're not going to keep a wig on
during all that other hullabaloo.

- Extensions?
- What are you going to fix them to?

This is decidedly odd,
though, wouldn't you say?

It's real enough, and
certainly looks like her hair.

But the amount... Of what was cut off,

there's only about a quarter of it here.

If you're going to make a point,
you'd send the whole lot to him.

Perhaps he wanted a stuffed cushion.

OK, I'll get CGI to check
the pixellation on this.

If someone's doctored it, we'll know.

In the meantime, background
colour and lateral thinking.

I'm salivating already.

Here we go again, then.

Let me know when you want to
bump up the sexual chemistry.

Yes. Just don't get
friendly with any table legs.

You might end up with a splinter in it.

Friendly with table legs?

Is this to do with Pam
and I going out together?

Have you? I noticed her
taking you for a walk, but...

What's that supposed to mean?

You haven't twigged it? Even
with your amazing powers?

- She's gone for you on the rebound.
- Rebound?

She's not had a close
relationship for nearly two years.

Unless you count her dog, so I fail
to see the logic of that theory...

Oh, get real! I'm not even going
to dignify that with an argument.

- I can have a drink with someone.
- As long as it's not out of her toilet.

- Can we change the subject?
- Fine.

What are we looking at here?

Fastest transplant in history
or a miracle growth hormone?

Or a deception so elementary,
it's almost laughable.

- What?
- Don't tell me you haven't sussed it.

Whereas you have, of course.

Some things drive you batty for days,
others click in the twinkling of an eye.

Who and why will take a bit
of figuring, of course, but...

If you want a pointer, think about that
sheet or cover they wrapped around her.

Like in a barber's?
To catch all the hair?

They'd really worry about her clothes!

It might have had an
entirely different function.

What...?

This glee you derive from treating me like
a five-year-old does pall after a while!

Like I'm incapable of
reaching a conclusion!

- Only trying to help.
- Well, don't.

I'll work it out for myself
with no assistance from you!

Give it to her more on the floor

Got a bitch on heat...

"Hoes in da hood"? Booty Posse?

For research purposes.

Just pull up here for a minute.

Oh.

Oh.

This isn't good.

Ah.

Of course.

Yup.

In your own time.

The place is all yours. Any questions,
there's Dorothy here or... Sally...

My wife. This is Jonathan
and his friend Carla,

who've offered to try and work out
that strange thing... with Maria's hair.

Yes.

If you could give my husband a message?

Tell him I don't give a tinker's toss about
her hair. She can shove it up her arse.

It doesn't interest me.

- She doesn't give a tinker's toss...
- Sally, please! Don't do this to me.

If it makes you feel better, smack me
in the face, but please... don't go.

Tell him I'm going away now

to be with someone who
treats me like a human being.

Sally, wait.

- That's where they had the fight?
- I know.

It doesn't make any sense, does it?

Some amazing lookalike is
the only thing I can think of.

And it's got Mr Houseman wondering
whether she was "not of this world. "

Mmm.

Although her angelic
qualities were lost on me.

I tried to tell him what a...
piece of work she was. What's that?

- Insulating tape?
- With a tiny piece cut off the end.

I'm sure it's of
absolutely no significance.

So now she's conveniently disappeared
to the other side of the world?

Where she'll stay if she's got any sense.
We could take that video to the police.

Mmm...

Have I seen your girlfriend
before? Her face is familiar.

Possibly, on the telly,
but she's not my girlfriend.

Oh, is she not? Right.

Then you

Showed me what I never saw

The way was through a different door

To find what I was looking for

To be with you

To be with you is to ride on rainbows

And laugh like the morning dew

The silence sings in the hall of kings

Can teach me nothing new

'Cause all I ever knew was

I had to be with you...

That is so beautiful. And
that's the main love theme?

It's got an echo of...

Bob Dylan? I don't
know why you'd say that.

He's an influence, yeah, but for
critics to just dismiss everything I do

as derivative sub-Dylan lite...

I find it very short-sighted.

No. I just thought... for you to have
written that specially for your wife,

you must really love her a lot.

It obviously comes from the heart.

Yeah. Well...

I've been trying to get some
interest in the States because...

Sally as Delilah would
knock them dead over there.

With Michael Bolton playing Samson and
Whoopi Goldberg as God to make it hip.

What a treat to hear
some romantic lyrics.

- When you look at the stuff nowadays.
- Really? Like what?

This may or may not interest you, but
I was having a little play with it.

First, a picture of yours truly,

on which, with any standard
photo-editing software,

you can carefully
draw around the head...

and select.

I could use any picture, but I
think this one makes the point.

Just shrink it down to fit,

and then drag it across.

This is just still photography, not
video, but you see the possibilities.

- I do.
- Of course you do.

You have an astute and
very able mind, Mr Creek,

which, in a world of superficiality,
I find most attractive.

Thank you.

- You might want to refer to this later.
- Right.

Brendan, hi.

Oh, really?

"Don't got no skanking
whore try dissing me no more.

"I'm a give it to her raw on the floor.

"Now da bitch on heat,
gonna make her eat my meat.

"Suck her titty like a melon.

"Man, I ain't no felon
selling skin to ma kin.

"I'm a stick it to 'em good
pimping pussy in da hood. "

Chorus. Repeat three times.

"Yo, stick it to 'em good, pimping
pussy in da... " Pass the mouthwash!

Can you imagine a gynaecologist
listening to this on his way to work?

- I felt tainted in every respect!
- OK.

Got everything I need.
I don't know about you.

Take it away, I think,
and have a ponder.

Ready?

Her point being what? That
recording may not have been genuine?

I forgot to tell you. Brendan rang.

The video's been through computer
graphics and it's not been tampered with.

You might want to give that some
consideration. It was in the sitting room.

I draw your attention to the
small piece cut off the end.

What am I looking at?
Industrial-strength toupee tape?

Just say and I'll put
you out of your misery.

I'm not throwing the towel in yet.

All right. So you won't be
wanting this little clue.

It would appear not.

"How many seas must a white dove
sail before it can sleep in the sand?"

Go on.

"How many roads must a man walk
down before you can call him a man?"

- "Blowin' In The Wind".
- Yes! What's it telling me?

If I told you that,
it wouldn't be a clue.

Anywhere here will be fine, thanks.

- So what's on the agenda tonight?
- Tonight?

Yes. Tonight.
Vis-�-vis everything.

Oh, right. I thought we might
have an evening in at my place.

Cook a meal, a bottle of
wine. Nothing earth-shattering.

Fine. I'll see you.

If it's any business of yours.

"How many seas must
a white dove sail... "

Could that be the letter
"C" to spell something out?

"Sleep in the sand. "
Presumably means it's dead.

A dead bird.

Except she wasn't. She
just had her hair cut off.

"How many roads must
a man walk down... "

There was something in the road
that caught his attention but...

- This is probably completely meaningless.
- What's that, my love?

He said this was a clue.
Does anything strike you?

- Apart from it being the wrong way round?
- What?

The lyrics are the wrong way round.

"How many roads must a
man walk down" is first,

then "how many seas
must a white dove sail".

The wrong way round? Of course!

Because in "Samson and
Delilah", she cut his hair off.

So...

Actually, he suggested I go
over there tonight, to his place.

Kick it around a bit more, so...

No problem. This'll keep. You run along.

Come home.

Please.

This is killing me.

For God's sake, how can
you bear to be there?

With him? Of all people, Angus.

- Yeah, well...
- You can't be serious.

I don't know what makes
you think I'd be with Angus,

especially as he happens
to be in Chicago tonight.

I'm sorry, Dudley, but there's
nothing left to talk about.

Would you get the car
out, please, Dorothy?

You're taking me for a drive.

Mr Houseman, are you sure this
is one of your brightest ideas?

- Dudley?
- Ah, if it isn't the lovely Angus.

Who, curiously, my wife seemed to
think was in Chicago at the moment.

Yes. In the musical "Chicago".
I've just come offstage. Why?

I'll tell you why, Angus...

Just open this bloody door right now!

I've come to take her home.

I know all about the two of you and
your mucky little goings on in there.

Quite frankly, I find it
unseemly and disgusting!

Taking advantage of someone...

Git!

Jonathan?

Hello?

Anyone in?

It's chucking it down out there.

Sorry. Train was bit late.

- Were you looking for me?
- No, I had to catch the first post.

I left the front door
unlocked, just in case.

God, it's a miserable night.
I can't wait to get inside.

- Why have we stopped here?
- Hmm?

Oh... God knows. Come on.

We'll have to get you out of this
lot. You're soaked through to the skin.

Yeah. The old coat's seen better days.

It's a lovely coat.

Where do you keep your towels? I'm
going to give you a nice rub down.

Here we are.

You are a wet old thing, aren't you?

With a very cold nose.

You know, I think we may
be the wrong way round.

- Sorry?
- You and me. The wrong way round.

Oh, God!

- I'm sorry. It's very unnatural, suddenly.
- Why? What's wrong?

- If not totally perverse.
- What is it?

Is it something I've said or done or...?

For God's sake, are you blind? It's
everything you've said and done!

If you go out with a guy, it's for who he is
- as a guy.

For the way he thinks
and feels and behaves.

Not just as a faithful companion
you can feed biscuits to.

And, Pam, you're still not
ready for that. It's too soon.

Jonathan's never going to win
prizes at Crufts. You can see that.

Yes. I think I see now...

...that I seem to have
wandered into an insane asylum.

- I can't bring myself to ask...
- You'll thank me for it later.

More importantly, I think I did it.

Finally. The wrong way round.

When she said it, like you said, it clicks
into place in the twinkling of an eye.

That's it. That's it.

Here, Mr Houseman.

- Sally, don't go.
- Oh, no.

I've always said the human race is
broadly divided into angels and trolls.

Believe me, the angels don't
always get the best of it,

because when beautiful people
fall in love with each other,

they'd better be sure it's not
because they're beautiful people.

When the late Mrs Houseman
and I fell in love in 1953...

we were both pretty ugly customers.

That's how we knew it was real

and probably why I've spent most
of my time among them ever since.

Ugly customers.

They take me as I am, you see?

Dudley's not a bad sort...

but he does get very easily confused.

Mmm.

This one would probably do for Creek.

Yes. He said ideally he was
after something a bit smaller.

- Hello? - You may
not believe this -

there's no reason why you should
- but it's you he needs here now.

He's not actually conscious at
the moment, but when he wakes up

you're going to have to be around
to sort him out because otherwise...

That's it. I'm sorry.
I've done everything I can.

Yes, you've done that, and a
lot more besides, haven't you?

To try and save this marriage.

Did I commit a crime? I suppose it wasn't
a very nice thing to do to that young lady.

But she wasn't being very nice herself
- wrecking someone's home, their marriage.

I know he was just as much
to blame for it all, but...

He never could sort himself out.
He wouldn't know where to start.

The fact that you run Dudley's life for
him was the bedrock of the whole operation.

If he'd stopped fretting for a second,

he'd probably have realised
there was only one person

with the access and the contacts
and the sheer calculating guile

to carry a thing like this off.

You worked hard to play that
down, going all girly on me.

Most men would have run a mile.

Desperately trying to palm me off with
another solution, trick photography,

and hope that I'd never find
the answer and pass it on.

Which, to give you credit, you haven't.

- Look, it was a bit radical...
- Don't feel bad, Dorothy.

We all know where you were coming from.

- Desperation, basically.
- They have so much going for them,

when you get down to what matters.

Mr Houseman doesn't know what he
wants until he hasn't got it any more.

So taking your brief of
"managing his affairs" literally,

you come up with a plan to make it
look as if she's after his money.

The idea is she faked her own kidnap
with the help of some confederate

and they both pocket the ransom.

Of course, you lined up the
confederates to make it look convincing.

A couple of technical types and
one performer was all it took.

People who owed me a favour
- there's quite a few of them.

I made a few calls, we got
together to talk about it.

It was all pretty
straightforward actually.

How was it meant to go? You find
a suspicious package in her case -

that she's planning to send him
after she's left the country -

inside a recording,
obviously all staged,

showing her at the mercy of a kidnapper
demanding money. It's clearly a set-up.

Even Dudley's going to realise the girl
who came round for lunch, wearing a wig,

has taken him for a sucker. Exit Maria.

Problem though. How the
hell do you fake that video?

We've all seen it. We all agree it
was her. We all agree it was real.

How do you tie a woman up, cut her hair
off and film it without her knowing?

Clearly impossible.

But an illusion is to make people think
they've seen something they haven't.

When I finally twigged, it was
the simplest thing in the world.

The two events
- a woman having her head shaved

and being dragged across
the grass by her hair -

weren't impossible in themselves, we were
just looking at them the wrong way round.

Thanks to a preconception we all have

that if you put a tape
in a video and press Play,

what comes up on screen
is the past tense.

But if you're not
pressing Play, but Record,

and if the VCR's already been tuned
to receive a live local signal,

suddenly everything we watched
that day becomes possible.

The whole thing had
to be staged close by,

which is why I had a wobble when
I couldn't see another building.

But the fact that a large vehicle had
recently parked there told its own story.

Don't ask me about the technology.
That was Doug and Roger's department.

I know they had to set up some
kind of transmitter on the roof.

The chap with the hood was a dodgy
actor friend I thought would be good.

His brief was to lop
off a chunk of hair.

I'm afraid on the day he
did get a bit scissor happy.

Hence the disparity
between the duplicate hair

and what we saw coming
off on the screen.

I suppose I'd got Delilah on the brain.

What I planned as an extra little
flourish suddenly became this major number.

Because when Sally came home early,

bang went any hope you had of
keeping a lid on the affair.

The tussle on the lawn totally put paid
to the scenario of a woman wearing a wig.

The simple truth was, at that point,
Maria's hair hadn't been cut off.

Oddly enough, none of that was
going through my mind at the time.

Besides, it was too late
to call off the dogs.

Help me!

They had to cover up the
clothes or the game would be up.

What's this?

It says... "To Dudley Houseman...

"100,000 in used banknotes. "

Instant spoolback was a
nice touch after it was over,

to fix the idea they'd
been watching a recording.

The little red light would have been a
give-away if you hadn't masked it off.

I had too much on my mind to be
worrying about a roll of tape.

They dropped her home
afterwards with the injunction,

stay away from Dudley, from the police
and she'd live a long and healthy life.

That'll be the test, in the end, of
the depth of her love and devotion.

Dorothy!

Yes! Coming, Mr Houseman!

Oh. Mrs Houseman.

I'm so sorry. He's just been
sick all over the bathroom floor.

OK, Dorothy. If you
want to get along now...

I'll kill him.

Bloody murder him. The batty old fool.

"Use this one. I made it three years ago
for some satirical sketch show or other.

"It was used once
- I can't remember why. " We know why now, don't we?

What are the chances of the Network
Director of Programmes watching it here?

I can't imagine what
Adam's going to say...

Live television? I've
had a basinful of it.

It is a scream though.

Oh. Is this yours?

It might interest you. It's an interview
with the lead singer of Booty Posse.

It's a caveat not to
form hasty conclusions.

When do I ever do that?

"Indifferent to the cross-generational
flak his priapic anthems always elicit,

"Doogie T just grins. 'I sent a copy
of "Hoes In The Hood" to my stepfather

"'to keep him abreast of my progress.
The guy rings up like plutonium man.

"'When did a Harley Street gynaecologist
know shit from shit anyhow?"'

Harley Street?

Stepfather.

Oh, my God.

- What have I done?
- I don't know. What have you done?

On the way here tonight...

Well, there was hardly anyone about...

Oh, my God.

There you are, you see. Pays to
keep your hair on, I always say.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0