All language subtitles for Jonathan Creek s03e03 The Omega Man.eng

It's hard to find words to describe it.

"Pile of shite" is high on my shortlist. If they'd
performed the same play, it would've been a start.

They didn't quite live
up to expectations.

If Steve Harrison and Martin Ford
get out alive, it'll be a miracle.

What do you think? Join the queue
for a refund or can't be arsed?

Large brandy for the road
would go down quite well.

Now then, my little
poppets. Have you missed me?

I'll bet you're ready for
some supper now, aren't you?

- I thought there was a rule about pets here?
- Don't. Tragic story.

A friend of mine runs an animal
shelter. The lease has just run out.

The owners want £65,000 or
they're out on the street.

You know what it's like.
What about your contacts?

I said, "Listen, if I could get 65
grand, believe me, you'd have it.

"In the meantime, I'll take
two of them off your hands. "

While, presumably, all their
friends are put to sl...

Jonathan! They've got ears.

So, come on. Tomorrow afternoon, we
all systems go for this chat show?

It's your book. What do
they want me there for?

I told you
- put me in front of a TV camera, I seize up.

I'll be there to hold your hand.

It's the 19th century.

This guy's one of the
greatest living illusionists.

So, he'd have people round his house
and open the door to this big cupboard,

inside which is a top hat.

One of the guests would walk into the
cupboard, put on the hat and come out again.

Our friend makes magic passes over the hat and
tells the guy to walk back into the cupboard,

except now the hat won't go through the
door, it just keeps getting knocked off,

which back then was a big laugh.

Queen Victoria wet herself.

And it drove people mad, trying to
work out how he'd made it bigger.

The secret was that the entire
floor was on a hydraulic lift,

which rose imperceptibly about an inch and
a half, making the doorway slightly lower.

A simple parlour trick was actually
this fantastically elaborate illusion...

Of course, my starting point
for writing this book was to...

That's all it is
- not being constrained by the obvious.

A Chinese magician, Chung Ling Soo -

real name William Robinson
- did something very similar...

That wasn't too bad. You were right.

- What?
- Startled field mouse?

I couldn't get a word in edgeways.
And whose idea was this monstrosity?

Well, certainly not mine.

Anyway, fancy a bite to eat somewhere?

Sorry, working, I'm afraid,

on a red-hot story that needs
some very careful handling.

Could be a bit out of your
league, so... I'll see you around.

Eleven and a half minutes
late. Not a promising start.

Well, there was a snarl-up
on the East India Dock Road...

Professor Graumann's health is not best served
waiting around damp, draughty warehouses.

Hang about. I didn't
have to come, you know?

Oh, but you did, Miss Magellan. My note
to you last night was... irresistible.

Forgive Miss Farell
for being protective.

It's one of her many strengths as
my confidante and wisest counsel.

I'm not a furtive man by nature, but
hostile forces are closing in upon us,

and we must keep one step ahead.

Your role, as a dispassionate observer,
may yet turn out to be pivotal.

Oh. So, do you think we might
get down to what this is about

and who it is exactly I'm talking to?

Professor Graumann is,
by common acknowledgement,

the world's greatest authority
on extraterrestrial phenomena.

The integrity of his insights, based on
35 years' fieldwork, is beyond dispute.

A polite way of persuading you,
Miss Magellan, that I'm not a crank.

What you're about to see has been ratified
with every means at my disposal... as genuine.

In short, three weeks ago, an
artefact came into my possession

that I have good reason to
believe is nothing more nor less

than the skeleton of an alien life form.

Oh, you've got to be kidding?

The molecular composition is baffling
and, quite frankly, defies analysis.

Physically, the properties are
peculiar. The single, unsegmented bone -

if that's what it is
- appears to burn human flesh like acid.

Even more fascinating,
subjected to certain stimuli,

cells from the tissue sample I took
turned out to be organically regenerative.

What does that mean?

It means... we can't be at
all certain that it's dead.

It's got the look of a Millwall
supporter I once went out with.

Dare we ask where it was found.

Two young palaeontology students
were fossil hunting on the eastern rim

of the Painted Desert near the
town of Omega in western New Mexico.

Rather than consign it to the
black hole of military safekeeping,

they passed it to a
contact... of a contact,

who referred it to me for examination.

Of course, knowing the authorities will murder
and maim to get it back under lock and key

does put a certain spring in one's step.

- What the hell is it?
- Indeed.

And what strange and wonderful
worlds did it once know?

Well, time may be short. If you'd
like to get some photographs.

- All the copy you need I could supply later.
- Yes, of course. Photo...

Oh, bugger. I left the camera
in the car. I'll be two ticks.

Cover the area! You
men, secure these people!

Remove the casing.

Carefully.

All right. Let's load it.

Don't...!

Get the case back on. Nobody touch it.

GentlyI

You mindless thugs! Can't you
see for yourselves, any of you?

You can't lock it away with the
others. People have a right to see this.

The world has a right
to know about this.

Bastards!

Morning. How was it last night?
Didn't get your fingers burnt?

- What do you mean? -
Handling a red-hot story.

Never mind. Just wanted to check whether
this signing was at one o'clock or two.

Oh, um... two o'clock.

Quite getting into
this promotion lark now.

- Isn't it funny, when to begin with...?
- Yes, well, see you there. Bye.

- Yes?
- You got some photographs.

- That could be useful.
- Yes, actually, I was just...

Because they'll deny the
operation ever took place.

Of course, it was inevitable
we'd lose possession.

On the other hand, you've
seen enough, I think,

to present a compelling
case to the public.

The challenge now is to show
these people we can't be silenced.

Get your coat on. We're taking a ride.

So, let me explain to you how
American foreign policy works.

Some guy on the base, his
little girl sees a man on TV

who can take two and two that make
five and explain how it adds up.

I say if that man can shake any
sense out of what happened last night,

he'll be saving me
one hell of a headache.

From this moment on, everything
you're about to hear is classified.

That means you so much as
talk about it in your sleep,

you even dream about it, not only are
you deceased, you were never alive.

Do we understand each other?

- Put your arm around him. Smile!
- Cheese!

Oi, you! Do you mind? What the
hell do you think you're doing?!

I thought Jonathan Creek was coming?

- He is supposed to be.
- Where is he, then?

- I don't know.
- So when will we see him?

- When he gets here.
- When will that be?

- I don't know! Do you want that signed or not?
- Not by you.

Well, piss off, then.

I'm sorry, my love.
What was your name again?

Trudy.

There we are, then... Trudy.

That's for you.

It looks more like "Turd".

Can't you write properly?
I'm not having that one.

Yes. We definitely said two o'clock.

It's not like him. I can't
think where he's got to.

So, what's your take on
it all, Captain Candy...

life, God, the universe?

Me? I accept there is
an all-powerful force

to which we are ultimately
responsible for our actions.

It's called Washington. Washington calls to say
the skeleton of an EBE has turned up in England.

I'm granted unlimited resources
to expedite its recovery

by whatever means I deem necessary.

Meaning?

Meaning everything you ever saw
in an Oliver Stone movie is true,

though we wish it were otherwise.

I think you've convinced me. You're not going
to get through this lot with a Barclaycard.

So, let's tick them off. It definitely went in
- you saw it.

There's no possibility of a switch
- you were with the crate for the entire journey.

And yet, when you
opened it up, this EB...

- What did you call it?
- Extraterrestrial Biological Entity.

.. had either completely vanished...

- Or?
- Sorry?

No, that's where it falls
down. There is no "or".

I tell you, there was something
real weird about this thing.

Not so much what it looked like,

but a feeling to it
when you got close up...

like a... kind of aura... that
sent a chill right down your spine.

Hell, I don't know. Maybe
if it was still alive,

by some process or other,
it could pass through matter.

If it was anyone other
than Professor Graumann...

- You've heard of this guy before?
- Oh, I've heard of him.

Most definitely. And he's clever.

He's very very clever.

Well, sorry. I don't buy that.

He's that smart, he'd have seen
us coming and planned ahead.

My guess, it was this woman outside.

- Come again?
- Took some photographs we're keen to retrieve.

I can tell you, once we find this lady - which
we will - her life's gonna be no merry-go-round.

Yes, well... It's a tricky one, this. I'm going
to have to go away and give it some thought.

No problem. And to make sure
it doesn't slip your mind,

Sergeant Kribotnik here will be with
you at all times to keep things in focus.

Don't worry. He's good at
blending into the background.

There's Jonathan now! Shall
we go and speak to him?

Excuse me, can we have
a picture with you?

Smile, Trudy. Look up, Jonathan.

Thank you.

Sorry. Would you mind? Just... Thanks.

Smile. And another one.

And again.

- There you go, ladies.
- Look!

I can't be bothered with this
now. They're closing in an hour.

If you want to grab a cup of tea, ask
any questions, I'll buy you a sticky bun.

- Fantastic! I know the perfect place.
- Where's that?

- My place!
- I'll settle for a pizza.

You can sit down if you want.

You know what I always find good
for cerebral activity? Herbal tea.

I'll make myself a pot of camomile.

You just continue cerebralising.

- Maddy Magellan.
- It's me. Don't start. I've very little time.

Do I take it you've been hunting little
green men with Professor Graumann?

Little green what?I

Have you gone completely doolally?
Who the hell's Professor Graumann?

I'll take that as a yes.
Look, I can't go into details.

- I think it's time we compared notes.
- I haven't a clue...

Somewhere between the warehouse and the airbase,
this so-called alien did a moonlight flit.

They've roped me in to figure it out. What's
worse, they think you might have engineered it,

so I'd cough up those photos
and stay out their way.

Moonlight flit?

You mean disappeared? How?

And, more importantly, why?

Answer, fairly obviously,
because it had to.

I'm going to need to talk to
Graumann. What time can I meet you?

- I'm seeing him at 12.
- OK. See you then.

Just as soon as I've worked out a
little something here with Mr Kribotnik.

Cheers, Ron. Take it past the farm as
far as the sheep dip, then call it a day.

Well, this is a fascinating development.
One might almost say messianic.

- The miracle of the empty tomb.
- If what they're telling us is on the level.

What? The American
authorities lying? Surely not

No, no. We have to believe that despite their
every effort, the Omega Man has vanished,

totally and impossibly, and
from right under their noses.

And they're embarrassed to the core.

No doubt you have an
explanation for where it went to?

Hmm... Existing as we
do in three dimensions,

it's hard enough for us to
imagine a fourth or fifth,

but consider a sixth dimension,
transcending time and space,

where corporal form can be
distilled into pure energy.

In physical terms, such beings
would simply... disappear.

We know this to be
possible from the messages.

- Pardon me?
- Periodically, I am contacted

by a spirit consciousness from the
Pleiades star group called Sagor.

Through me, he communicates many
ideas about life on other worlds.

Phillipa's what we call a channeller,
telepathically receptive to many sources,

something not widely understood or, I
regret, readily accepted by modern society.

But... come the new
age of enlightenment...

Extraterrestrial Biological Entity?

My lunch.

Lucky they had the old video camera
running to capture the moment.

Wasn't it?

How can it burn you like that?

I mean, maybe if it got red-hot in
the desert, but... in a warehouse?

Together with your material,
we've enough to make a splash.

Once I've taken you through all the background,
perhaps you'd like to stay for dinner.

Well, that was all very lovely.
Here, let me give you a hand.

So, Jonathan Creek... You've
heard a great deal from me today.

- What have you to say for yourself?
- I'm not sure you'd want to hear it.

Try me.

All right. Let's start with
the things we both know as fact.

We know as fact the skeleton
went into that crate.

The crate was padlocked and closely
watched till it arrived at the base.

We know it was fact that when it was
opened, the skeleton of the alien was gone.

And we both know as fact that was no more
the skeleton of an alien than my arse.

You see, it's hard for me not to feel
a grudging respect for what you do.

We're in the same business.
We both trick the public.

The difference is I
don't pretend it's real.

You use it,

feed on people's
fantasies, superstitions.

You know what they want and you
give it to them. An alien skeleton...

That's a good one. I
haven't seen that before.

Of course, if anyone besides you gets
to examine it, they'll see it's a fake.

So what do you do? You make it vanish...

into thin air, from an armoured
truck guarded by six US soldiers.

It's perfect. The Omega
Man was not dead...

but has achieved a
higher level of being,

a state of pure spirit.

This'll be your Roswell.

Meal ticket for life.

And you don't even deceive yourself.
Really, you're a bigger cynic than I am.

You underestimate, I think, man's essential
hunger for meaning in the universe.

You also confuse meaning with proof
- that one can't exist without the other.

You think our belief in what lies beyond
this world is determined by evidence?

No.

The truth isn't out there.

The truth is in here.

We create the truth, all of us,

because we can't live with
the fear of being alone.

And little blokes with big
heads and three fingers?

Let me get you another brandy.

One can never predict where
or when, it just happens.

It's a certain disconnection with
reality, and then it's like...

someone whispering in a huge cave.

That's when I feel him inside me.

- Shergar?
- Sagor.

Although he's from the constellation
of Taurus, he speaks to me in English.

Well, it's good to
have a second language.

Afterwards, I transcribe our
conversations as accurately as I'm able

for Professor Graumann to study.

They're terribly useful in his research.

You've... got a lot of
time for the old professor?

I can think of no greater honour than
to work with him. He's utterly unique.

So, the thrust of your
argument, if I have it right,

is that I'm nothing more
than a glorified conjurer.

An argument that would have more weight if
you could show me how I performed this trick.

Of course, that's where
you've got me. I can't.

- Even if you'd had an accomplice on the truck...
- Come on. Give me more credit than that.

Ah. You concede, then, it was a trick.

You'll have to work
harder than that, Mr Creek.

Still, the universe is a rather large place.
Let me try and narrow down your search.

Consider the nine planets
in our solar system.

Consider one of the nine...

that's very cold.

It may help in your deliberations.

Hi. Can you help us trace a young
lady who buys camera film here?

She'll be about 5'2",
130lb, short red hair.

I'm sorry. I think I've got alien
overload now, what with her and her voices.

She has got a real problem, poor woman.

As for the rest of it...

Oh, God! Just set the
alarm for Christmas.

Hello?

"Consider the nine planets and
one of the nine that's very cold. "

He was telling me, for God's sake,
how he did it. What does it mean?

Planet that's very cold?

What are the outer planets of the
solar system? Saturn, Uranus, Neptune...

I have to walk about, get some air.

Forgive me if I don't wait up.

Well, good evening, Miss Magellan.

You can't keep me here.
I'm a British citizen.

This is a farce. You don't really think
it was an alien, so what does it matter...?

It matters that we close the file.

Till we do, a lot of suits
back home get very twitchy.

I get twitchy. Everyone here is twitchy.

Well, look, Professor Graumann...

.. is on our list of
interviewees, have no worries.

But, hey, just for fun, we
thought we'd start with you.

Jonathan, if you can hear me, will
you please pick up the phone... now?

Only I'm in a slight
spot of bother today.

You know this woman?

Well, I know of her.

Who doesn't? If I could
just have a few minutes.

I demand you get your boss in here
now. I want to take the Fifth Amendment.

What is the Fifth Amendment?

All night they've had me in
here. Didn't get a wink of sleep.

One of the nine planets...

Of course, he could be talking
about Earth, but then why very cold?

Just trying to make me stew.

The coldest of the planets,
of course, would be Pluto.

Jonathan!

- Sorry?
- I'm getting seriously worried here!

You don't know what they'll
do to extract information.

What if they use a truth drug?

- It wouldn't stand a chance.
- Thank you. You're really settling my nerves.

There's an answer somewhere in this
riddle of his. If I could just...

Oh, never in a million
years! He couldn't have.

What? You've sussed it?

How?

One of the nine. Sometimes it pays
to be literal rather than lateral.

Excuse me? I couldn't have
one last look at that shed?

So, listen. You know what I think?

I think you stole this thing, so you could
sell it for a very large sum of money.

- No, I've told you, I...
- I think you're just pretending to be stupid.

That's not true! I definitely...

I mean... I am not pretending anything!

I haven't done anything.
I don't know anything.

Please can I go home?

Come in.

- Captain Candy. Sorry about the delay.
- As are we all, Mr Creek.

- If you're through wasting our time...
- I know where it is.

So far, your assistance has
fallen some way short of...

- Pardon me?
- The EBE.

- It just depends how badly you want it back.
- What is this...?

- Because it'll cost $100,000.
- What?

The fee for my services.

You said something about unlimited
resources at your disposal.

First, we recover the property,
then we'll discuss terms.

OK, Miss Magellan. Nice knowing you.

- Wh...? What? Sorry?
- Goodbye.

What, you...? You mean I'm free to...?

Unless you want to
hang about here all day.

Morning. I'm sorry, was
the Professor expecting you?

Oh, I don't imagine there's
much takes him by surprise.

Come to commend him on his ingenuity.
A fine piece of technical trickery.

- Trickery? What do you mean by that, exactly?
- Phillipa.

My notes on the Filingdale sightings,
can we get a copy off to Michael?

Yes, of course. I'll e-mail it now.

I'll tag along, if you don't mind.

You have an air of triumph
about you this morning.

My clue was a risk, though it
would have defeated most men.

But I was keen to test your powers.

You've shared your findings, of
course, with our American friends.

Or they'd have been on
our backs forever more.

Of course, they're
basically philistines.

The sheer elegance of
it went for nothing.

It's been proved the alien
was a hoax, end of story.

Shame, because from a design aspect,
it had some nice quirky features -

the strange silvery colour,
the single unsegmented bone.

Except they weren't just quirky features,
they were the cornerstone of the whole trick.

A comment the Captain made, "Just looking
at it sent a chill down your spine. "

The fact that it could burn human
flesh and still I couldn't see it...

until you gave me that thought to chew upon
- one of the nine planets that's very cold.

So, naturally, I think of the
ones furthest from the sun. Wrong.

The words had another
more direct meaning.

One of the nine was
just that... number one.

The first planet, counting
outwards from the sun, is Mercury,

which, of course, makes it the hottest
- Mercury the planet.

But mercury the
element - quicksilver -

if I remember my chemistry, has
one or two very odd properties.

It's the only metal to remain
liquid at room temperature.

To get solid mercury, you have to take
it all the way down to... I don't know.

- Minus 38.87 Celsius.
- Which is exactly what you did.

Of course, one has specialist back-up
to put these ideas into operation.

Much the same as yourself, I imagine.

To your average punter, a figure made out of
frozen mercury is like nothing on this earth.

Better yet, leave it out of the fridge for more
than a short while, it can do something magical.

It can disappear like
an ice cube in the sun.

You knew those troops would show up.
It was probably you who tipped them off.

Of course, the case was chilled. Anyone near
it would feel a shiver when the top comes off.

And at that temperature, anyone who
touches it is gonna get a nasty burn.

But then it's disconnected,
locked in a crate.

By the time they get it back to base,
after a long ride inside a hot trunk,

the whole thing's safely melted
down inside the base of that crater.

To all intents and
purposes, it's vanished.

The only evidence it
ever existed, a few photos

and that video footage you mocked
up using a duplicate skeleton.

More than enough, I imagine, to pack them
in on your lecture tours around the world.

Have I left anything out?

In many ways, the most
important thing of all.

So, how long have you worked
for him now, Professor Graumann?

To tell the truth, I've
lost track of the years,

just as I've tried to blot out
everything that went before.

Quite simply, he saved me
- from the world and everyone in it.

When you have a special gift as
I do, people are inclined to...

Well, you can imagine the
hurtful things they come out with.

To find someone who was different,

who understood, was more than
I had a right to hope for.

He and I, of course, we aren't...

No.

I just know that if anyone ever
said or did anything to destroy him,

it would be the end of us both.

The greatest pain sometimes comes
from our own self-knowledge...

.. what we are in the eyes of
others, what we know ourselves to be.

There are many falsehoods
upon which we build our lives,

not all of them to be condemned.

Expose me, my work, as you like, but...

as I said to you before,
belief is indomitable.

You'll never stop men reaching for
the stars in search of their destiny.

We were born to explore the
heavens, to seek, to probe,

until one day... What?

We have a telescope
powerful enough to see God.

The only limits of human endeavour
are the limits of our own imagination.

- Yeah, well...
- So, we'll leave you to it.

Time's getting on, and, um...

Well, good luck with it all.

- Something up?
- No.

What is it?

Nothing.

- Better make a move, then, I suppose.
- OK.

And I'll see you around.

So, they coughed it up, then, did they?

- Sorry?
- The fee for your services.

$100,000.

Oh. They did, actually.
Thought I was chancing my arm,

but US Government, a drop in the
ocean as far as they're concerned...

- What?
- Don't know.

Just came a bit out of
left field, that one.

- Just shows how little I really know you.
- Yeah, well, in point of...

Still, set you up nicely to
impress all those teenage girlies.

You can take them for
a ride in your Porsche.

- Yes, I don't quite see myself...
- Bye, then.

You bastard.

You utter, complete bastard.

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