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1
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Morning, Benjamin.
How are you today?
2
00:01:44,487 --> 00:01:47,604
OK, my name is Martha Parrish,
3
00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:50,964
personal secretary to
Lady Theresa Cutler,
4
00:01:51,127 --> 00:01:55,643
and on her behalf, may I welcome
you all today to Cicada Park.
5
00:01:55,847 --> 00:01:59,442
The house is over 400 years old
6
00:01:59,647 --> 00:02:04,767
and is still the principal residence
of Lady Theresa and her family.
7
00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:08,886
Her husband, Sylvester Le
Fley, you may know, of course,
8
00:02:09,047 --> 00:02:15,122
as the famous theatre critic and cultural
affairs columnist on the "Sunday Telegraph".
9
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:20,562
Friday 10th. Arts Desk.
FAO Derek Chinnery.
10
00:02:20,727 --> 00:02:26,120
"Edgar Bint's latest effort at
the Cottesloe, "Upload, Download",
11
00:02:26,287 --> 00:02:30,644
"was billed as 'a hilarious new comedy'.
12
00:02:31,487 --> 00:02:34,797
"Of these four words,
only the first is accurate.
13
00:02:34,967 --> 00:02:41,566
"While neither, hilarious, new or comic,
it is most certainly an indefinite article.
14
00:02:41,727 --> 00:02:46,881
"The fact that it drew maniacal laughter
from the horrendous hyenas around me
15
00:02:47,047 --> 00:02:50,562
"merely confirms my long-held belief
16
00:02:50,727 --> 00:02:55,642
"that quality theatre is too
precious to be wasted on audiences. "
17
00:03:13,087 --> 00:03:15,237
Mummy, can I have a tree house?
18
00:03:15,407 --> 00:03:17,398
Of course, sweetheart.
19
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:21,082
Not just at this second, though.
20
00:03:42,927 --> 00:03:46,317
Saumon fumé, darling? I
thought you might be hungry.
21
00:03:49,087 --> 00:03:51,157
You read my mind.
22
00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:06,961
The doors in this part of the
house are of particular interest.
23
00:04:07,127 --> 00:04:11,279
They're of hand-carved
Spanish Moorish design
24
00:04:11,447 --> 00:04:13,961
dating back to the 1900s,
25
00:04:14,127 --> 00:04:18,405
when the 15th marquis had them specially
imported from his villa in Aragón.
26
00:04:18,607 --> 00:04:20,882
You demented harpy!
27
00:04:21,047 --> 00:04:26,519
- I can't even have a simple massage now?!
- She had her arm up your shorts!
28
00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:31,078
You are insane! I tie my shoelace
now, it's an act of infidelity.
29
00:04:31,247 --> 00:04:35,206
What have you done to my
tongue? I can't sthpeak!
30
00:04:35,407 --> 00:04:37,443
So go suck a dock leaf!
31
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:44,835
This we call the Flemish Gallery,
32
00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:48,795
housing works by many
well-known Dutch genre painters.
33
00:04:49,007 --> 00:04:53,558
Everything in this room has been
in the house at least 100 years,
34
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:57,442
apart from Eric, of
course, who's been here 150.
35
00:04:59,727 --> 00:05:04,118
So we come to the jewel of Cicada
Park, El Greco's "Kiss of Judas",
36
00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:08,963
which we keep in a room on its own, where,
as you'll see, the temperature, humidity
37
00:05:09,127 --> 00:05:14,645
and light levels are carefully maintained
to prevent discolouration or cracking.
38
00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:20,439
Because of this, and for reasons of space, we
can allow only eight people inside at a time.
39
00:05:20,607 --> 00:05:25,761
So, who's going to be my
first group? That's it. OK.
40
00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:39,559
As I say, the ambient light is controlled by
the special tinting in the glass above you.
41
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:43,797
And if you could close the door
while we're in here, please.
42
00:05:44,687 --> 00:05:48,680
These aren't my rules
- they're all laid down by the insurance company,
43
00:05:48,887 --> 00:05:56,475
because the picture that you see before you
is conservatively valued at £1.5 million.
44
00:06:05,047 --> 00:06:06,844
Hmm.
45
00:06:11,127 --> 00:06:14,915
- OK, when the rest of you are ready.
- Who's this?
46
00:06:15,087 --> 00:06:19,319
Ah, yes. That's by a
painter called Mostaert...
47
00:06:21,007 --> 00:06:23,521
Right. Let's have the
next group, please.
48
00:06:23,727 --> 00:06:29,165
OK? As I was saying to your friends,
the reason we have to take extra care...
49
00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:35,002
This can't be happening.
50
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:37,359
Eric!
51
00:06:39,087 --> 00:06:41,078
Eric! Eric!
52
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,765
- It's gone!
- Gone? How?
53
00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:48,037
Cut from the frame. How?
54
00:06:51,727 --> 00:06:55,640
This is absurd! The whole
thing is just absurd!
55
00:07:07,967 --> 00:07:12,643
I think it's best if you just...
I'm sorry. I'm in a state of shock.
56
00:07:12,847 --> 00:07:15,202
I can't think how this has happened.
57
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,964
Eric?
58
00:07:28,807 --> 00:07:30,798
Martha? Martha? Eric said...
59
00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:33,720
The El Greco. Someone's
just... I don't know.
60
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,162
Perhaps we're all dreaming or...
61
00:07:36,327 --> 00:07:39,922
It was there 30 seconds
before. And then it wasn't.
62
00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:42,601
And the room was empty, I swear.
63
00:07:44,847 --> 00:07:47,042
Call the police.
64
00:07:59,607 --> 00:08:03,282
Hello? Yes. This is Martha
Parrish ringing from Cicada P...
65
00:08:05,967 --> 00:08:08,561
Mr Le Fley, are you all right?
66
00:08:09,607 --> 00:08:12,565
Something heavy... from behind.
67
00:08:13,807 --> 00:08:16,480
- I think I heard someone running off!
- Darling?
68
00:08:16,647 --> 00:08:18,126
Theresa.
69
00:09:02,927 --> 00:09:06,715
If it's like this at Hyde Park,
we'll have right fun and games.
70
00:09:06,887 --> 00:09:10,038
Never mind crowd attendants,
we'll need synchronised swimmers.
71
00:09:10,247 --> 00:09:15,162
Shut up and keep the knots dry. I'm attempting
a state of osteo-muscular pre-contraction.
72
00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,998
- Whoa!
- Bloody gangsters!
73
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:57,236
Murdering scum, the lot of you!
74
00:09:57,407 --> 00:10:00,046
Help! Police! Over here!
75
00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:03,756
You keep away from that hole!
76
00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:32,206
Are you all set in there?
77
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:45,962
And we... start the clock.
78
00:11:04,887 --> 00:11:07,845
Wrap your optic nerve
around those two, Jonathan.
79
00:11:08,007 --> 00:11:12,398
Give me a waterbed and three
snorkels and I could be in paradise.
80
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:16,723
Oh, how absolutely, immensely
satisfying. Did you see this?
81
00:11:18,087 --> 00:11:22,842
Our all-time favourite reviewer,
Sylvester Le Fley... remember?
82
00:11:23,007 --> 00:11:26,522
"With Adam Klaus performing miracles,
Jesus has nothing to worry about. "
83
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:31,723
Him and his nobby wife just
had a priceless painting nicked.
84
00:11:33,007 --> 00:11:34,998
Yesterday lunchtime, broad daylight.
85
00:11:36,047 --> 00:11:40,165
Well, ha-ha! Suck on
that you, smarmy bas...
86
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,040
- Where are you going?
- They're nervous.
87
00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:47,837
- They need someone to hold their hand.
- You're inside the coffin, remember?
88
00:11:48,047 --> 00:11:50,959
I knew it was too easy.
89
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:54,125
So, I don't know...
90
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:59,046
Everything's such a mess at the
moment, I don't know where to start.
91
00:11:59,247 --> 00:12:03,320
Have you had any more
erotic dreams about...?
92
00:12:03,527 --> 00:12:05,518
You know who?
93
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,918
Last night, actually.
94
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:15,523
We were making love together like
- I don't know - Olympic gymnasts.
95
00:12:15,687 --> 00:12:19,316
I think I got down to
a size ten at one point.
96
00:12:19,487 --> 00:12:24,322
Except for some reason, we were onstage
at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden,
97
00:12:24,527 --> 00:12:30,841
and the audience were all booing and
shouting, "Bring back the juggler,"
98
00:12:31,007 --> 00:12:33,316
which put us off slightly, because...
99
00:12:33,487 --> 00:12:35,842
All right. That'll do.
Come with me, please.
100
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,356
- I beg your pardon?
- Detective Inspector Roy Gregson.
101
00:12:38,527 --> 00:12:41,963
- I'm afraid this consultation is over.
- For what reason?
102
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:46,126
For the reason that you're no
more a psychoanalyst than I am.
103
00:12:46,327 --> 00:12:50,798
- You what?!
- I'm sorry. It's called "obsessive delusion".
104
00:12:51,007 --> 00:12:55,922
The sufferer acts out a fantasy role to
satisfy some unfulfilled desire in their life.
105
00:12:56,087 --> 00:12:58,760
In this case, listening to
people's intimate sexual neuroses,
106
00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:01,959
but I'm afraid party's
over now, young lady.
107
00:13:02,127 --> 00:13:06,086
All right, Mr Gregson.
Leave her be, please.
108
00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:08,278
Mr Gregson.
109
00:13:08,927 --> 00:13:13,796
I'm sorry about this. It's a psychotic condition.
He believes himself to be a police inspector...
110
00:13:15,247 --> 00:13:20,765
whereas you actually work for
the North Thames Gas Board.
111
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,435
Do forgive the intrusion.
112
00:13:23,607 --> 00:13:26,519
I'll try and keep my
door locked in future.
113
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:32,400
Unsettling when that happens, isn't it?
114
00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:39,884
Now, you were talking about some... general
sense of confusion in your personal life.
115
00:13:41,447 --> 00:13:42,926
Sorry?
116
00:13:43,647 --> 00:13:48,926
Yes, well, there's this ongoing
business with Jonathan, obviously.
117
00:13:50,127 --> 00:13:54,882
But... the other day, something
else cropped up as well, which...
118
00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,721
You know that thing...
119
00:13:59,887 --> 00:14:04,881
where a ghost from your past
suddenly comes back to haunt you?
120
00:14:05,087 --> 00:14:09,046
Listen, Jonathan, great to put
a face to the name at last. Um...
121
00:14:09,207 --> 00:14:14,486
I'm sorry. Due to a cock-up, I have two
lunches today, and I'm late for both.
122
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:20,045
Oh, incidentally, Mad, did you
hear any more about that other?
123
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:22,846
Um, yeah. He rang me again last night.
124
00:14:23,007 --> 00:14:25,362
- And?
- Yes. Thursday morning.
125
00:14:25,527 --> 00:14:31,284
I'm going to see it through, Barry. My
therapist reckons it'll be good for me.
126
00:14:31,447 --> 00:14:34,803
- OK, shall we wend?
- Well, I better get back...
127
00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:40,121
Oh, come on! What do you say I take
you somewhere really smart for lunch?
128
00:14:45,607 --> 00:14:48,360
Not that it's OTT or anything.
129
00:14:48,527 --> 00:14:50,916
Just stick with me on this one.
130
00:14:51,127 --> 00:14:54,836
Miss Magellan, Mr Creek, how do you do?
131
00:14:55,007 --> 00:14:58,443
Martha Parrish. Would you
like to follow me, please?
132
00:15:07,647 --> 00:15:10,161
It's not much further.
It's just through here.
133
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,522
Look, I just want a cheese omelette...
134
00:15:12,727 --> 00:15:18,802
Oh! Are you OK? Jonathan,
unfortunately, is borderline asthmatic.
135
00:15:18,967 --> 00:15:22,357
- You couldn't give us a second?
- Oh, yes. Of course.
136
00:15:22,527 --> 00:15:25,758
I'll just go find Mr Le Fley for you.
137
00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:30,764
Mr Le...?
138
00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,798
All right. Where's the mirror?
139
00:15:35,487 --> 00:15:38,797
Just to remind myself what
a gullible prat looks like.
140
00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:42,084
All right. All right!
141
00:15:42,247 --> 00:15:45,284
I'll level with you.
They don't do omelettes.
142
00:15:45,447 --> 00:15:48,678
Come on! It's a real puzzle.
You've read the reports.
143
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:53,398
- A painting is there one minute, gone the next.
- "Take you somewhere smart for lunch. "
144
00:15:53,607 --> 00:15:56,121
- Will I never learn?
- Jonathan!
145
00:15:56,327 --> 00:15:59,558
- Just because he's given you iffy reviews...
- Death notices!
146
00:15:59,727 --> 00:16:02,446
.. is no reason to pass up a challenge.
147
00:16:03,127 --> 00:16:05,641
But... I hear what you're saying.
148
00:16:05,807 --> 00:16:09,925
It is clearly so
impossible, why even try?
149
00:16:10,127 --> 00:16:14,962
It's one of those weird mysteries
that'll just never be explained.
150
00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:29,236
That the room down there?
151
00:16:34,647 --> 00:16:38,276
The window's made of some kind
of reinforced special glass.
152
00:16:38,487 --> 00:16:43,800
It was never designed to be opened,
except where else could they have got in?
153
00:16:43,967 --> 00:16:46,356
Are you two married?
154
00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:52,361
- Whatever gave you that idea?
- I saw you arguing.
155
00:16:52,527 --> 00:16:56,406
That's right, but we're
just arguing in sin.
156
00:16:56,567 --> 00:17:00,560
Mummy and Daddy are always arguing.
Sometimes they shout at me and...
157
00:17:00,727 --> 00:17:02,797
Benjamin.
158
00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:07,082
What have you been told about
talking to strange men and women?
159
00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:11,084
That's another habit you've
picked up from Melissa, isn't it?
160
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:15,286
His last nanny was a terribly bad
influence. We return from two months abroad
161
00:17:15,447 --> 00:17:17,722
and find her fraternising
with a mechanic.
162
00:17:17,887 --> 00:17:19,957
The consequences are unthinkable.
163
00:17:20,127 --> 00:17:22,880
- Never trust a man with oily fingers.
- Exactly.
164
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:32,163
As for this horror, the
police are up a gum tree,
165
00:17:32,367 --> 00:17:39,159
so the £50,000 is there for the taking to
anyone who can come up with a positive lead.
166
00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:45,443
Oh, yes... That was the other thing.
167
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:49,316
They are offering a small
reward for the painting's return,
168
00:17:49,487 --> 00:17:52,160
which... can't be bad?
169
00:17:55,647 --> 00:17:59,117
Now, you see, this is
where I'm sitting, here -
170
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:04,645
not over there, not over there, but here,
where I've got a direct line through that door -
171
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:10,919
eating my lunch, which on Friday comprised
a bottle of Lucozade and a Spam sandwich.
172
00:18:12,327 --> 00:18:19,119
When Mrs Parrish came out with those girls,
it was there on the wall in its frame.
173
00:18:19,287 --> 00:18:24,156
Half a minute later, when they
opened the door, it was gone.
174
00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:32,836
And if you're thinking that someone might have
stepped in or out without my noticing, well...
175
00:18:33,007 --> 00:18:39,526
When that painting was stolen,
there was no one inside that room.
176
00:18:40,647 --> 00:18:44,925
So, you'd come out of the Flemish
Gallery and you're standing, what,
177
00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:49,877
looking out of the window, when someone
attacked you from behind with a sharp instrument?
178
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,238
As I seem to have told
everyone 100 times.
179
00:18:53,807 --> 00:18:56,799
- And then I fell to the ground.
- Where?
180
00:18:57,007 --> 00:19:00,795
- Pardon me?
- You couldn't show us?
181
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:03,162
On the floor? Where you fell?
182
00:19:09,407 --> 00:19:11,204
Exactly.
183
00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:18,203
And that's when you heard
whoever it was running away?
184
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:23,686
Presumably into the library, because that's
where they found footprints in the dust,
185
00:19:23,847 --> 00:19:28,238
which do not correspond to any shoes
worn by members of this household.
186
00:19:28,447 --> 00:19:30,881
Might be worth a shufti.
187
00:19:53,127 --> 00:19:54,526
Interesting...
188
00:19:55,847 --> 00:19:58,759
- Two riddles in one.
- How's that?
189
00:20:00,327 --> 00:20:05,640
Setting aside the problem of how our invisible
thief got past everyone with a painting,
190
00:20:07,127 --> 00:20:12,360
it's a safe bet he'd be in a hurry
to get out, so this doesn't tally.
191
00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:18,164
- What do you mean?
- Oh, come on. A child of five could work it out.
192
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:23,395
I can work it out. Why didn't
he go across the carpet?
193
00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:26,958
Exactly.
194
00:20:28,287 --> 00:20:31,882
He's heading for the window,
so why go around the room?
195
00:20:32,647 --> 00:20:34,877
Riddle number one.
196
00:20:35,047 --> 00:20:38,562
Riddle number two, why was he walking?
197
00:20:39,247 --> 00:20:42,603
These aren't the footprints
of a running man, Mr Le Fley.
198
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:47,523
Whoever was in this room
didn't attack you in the hall.
199
00:20:47,687 --> 00:20:52,920
- Who did you say they were? I've lost track.
- Miss Magellan is - have I got this right? -
200
00:20:53,087 --> 00:20:55,078
an investigative crime writer.
201
00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:59,166
- And Mr Creek is...
- Creative consultant to Adam Klaus.
202
00:20:59,687 --> 00:21:02,247
You came to one of our shows, remember?
203
00:21:03,607 --> 00:21:07,998
It was "a ragbag of charmless chicanery
ill-conceived by witless tricksters
204
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:11,045
"who seemed to confuse
mystery with misery. "
205
00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:17,197
Turn of phrase he's got,
hasn't he? So, anyway...
206
00:21:17,407 --> 00:21:22,401
I make no secret of my aversion to
your particular art form, Mr Creek.
207
00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:26,156
However, I concede its relevance
to the problems in hand.
208
00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:29,723
If you have any insights,
we'd be pleased to hear them.
209
00:21:34,287 --> 00:21:36,721
It's a stumper.
210
00:21:36,887 --> 00:21:38,286
No question.
211
00:21:41,607 --> 00:21:43,598
I'm afraid I can't help.
212
00:21:43,807 --> 00:21:47,083
So this been a complete
waste of our time?
213
00:21:47,287 --> 00:21:52,156
It's defeated everyone else. Lord knows why
we expected these two to fare any better.
214
00:21:52,367 --> 00:21:54,562
I didn't say it'd defeated me.
215
00:21:55,327 --> 00:21:58,160
I know exactly how your
painting disappeared, Mr Le Fley.
216
00:21:59,927 --> 00:22:02,839
I'm just not going to tell you.
217
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:06,081
Time we were moving.
218
00:22:10,207 --> 00:22:14,883
Fifty thousand green ones, Jonathan.
219
00:22:16,687 --> 00:22:19,565
So, you've clocked it all, basically,
220
00:22:19,727 --> 00:22:23,481
worked it out, but you just
want to make him suffer.
221
00:22:23,647 --> 00:22:25,239
Correct.
222
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:29,675
Don't you think that's
being amazingly petty?
223
00:22:31,687 --> 00:22:34,838
Still... I suppose no one can blame you.
224
00:22:35,767 --> 00:22:39,396
The man's a grade-A
toss-bag, I can't deny.
225
00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:43,196
Yes. Why don't we make him stew?
226
00:22:43,407 --> 00:22:46,843
Why should we let him know what we know?
227
00:22:47,007 --> 00:22:50,920
What, um... do we know exactly?
228
00:22:51,127 --> 00:22:53,277
Obviously, you can tell me.
229
00:22:57,047 --> 00:22:59,038
Dream on.
230
00:23:00,527 --> 00:23:03,963
"Witless trickster. " That's
not far off the mark, is it?
231
00:23:06,607 --> 00:23:11,442
Now, sweetheart, no one's denying your
invaluable contribution to the show
232
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:15,236
or the unique place you
occupy in my affections.
233
00:23:15,407 --> 00:23:19,798
I just have to be careful when meeting
Her Majesty about who I bring along.
234
00:23:23,407 --> 00:23:27,878
Which I don't want you to
take as any kind of slight,
235
00:23:28,047 --> 00:23:32,199
because I know she would
absolutely adore you.
236
00:23:45,647 --> 00:23:49,879
- Lovely. It's been a big help. Thanks a lot.
- You're very welcome.
237
00:23:50,087 --> 00:23:53,557
There's no sweat, you know.
I'll work it out myself.
238
00:23:53,727 --> 00:23:58,357
I've seen everything you've seen.
I'm not a complete and utter moron.
239
00:23:59,367 --> 00:24:01,164
Yes?
240
00:24:01,487 --> 00:24:06,607
- I never said anything.
- Look, just give me a leg up to get me started.
241
00:24:06,767 --> 00:24:10,282
Please. Just one tiny clue.
242
00:24:20,567 --> 00:24:25,880
Look to Eric's Spam sandwich. It
contains the key to the whole affair.
243
00:24:36,087 --> 00:24:38,237
Sorry about the time.
244
00:24:38,407 --> 00:24:43,720
Guess where I've just come from.
Mr Poison Pen, Sylvester Le Fley's,
245
00:24:43,887 --> 00:24:46,037
one of the weirdest set-ups I ever...
246
00:24:51,127 --> 00:24:57,157
Yes, yes. You can tell me later. Did you
talk to Larry about the dowels in the coffin?
247
00:24:57,327 --> 00:25:01,320
He'll see. We can't make them too loose
or we'll blow the audience inspection.
248
00:25:01,487 --> 00:25:06,242
Just enough so I don't break my spine. Box
office is through the roof. Both performances.
249
00:25:06,407 --> 00:25:11,959
Biggest open-air magic show for 70 years.
Now, Thursday week, Buckingham Palace.
250
00:25:12,127 --> 00:25:16,120
- Have you come up with anything?
- What's to come up with?
251
00:25:16,287 --> 00:25:21,805
You're being presented to the Queen. You
just shake your hand, cop your MBE, then off.
252
00:25:21,967 --> 00:25:25,323
No, no, no. It needs a
little something to leaven it.
253
00:25:25,527 --> 00:25:32,399
I was toying with an egg from the mouth.
Or what about this - a stamp on her tongue?
254
00:25:33,207 --> 00:25:36,836
- A stamp on her...?! Are you insane?!
- Come on. It's perfect.
255
00:25:37,007 --> 00:25:40,522
I get her to stick it out.
"Oh, what's this, Your Majesty?"
256
00:25:40,687 --> 00:25:43,155
"I know this face. Could
you sign this for me?"
257
00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:45,835
Big laugh. What do you think?
258
00:25:46,647 --> 00:25:48,922
How could we do that?
259
00:25:53,767 --> 00:25:55,564
Are you winning?
260
00:25:55,767 --> 00:26:00,045
Oh, right. Come to gloat now,
I suppose, at my ineptitude?
261
00:26:00,247 --> 00:26:05,196
Oh, come on. You were the one who
duped me into going in the first place,
262
00:26:05,367 --> 00:26:09,838
because you knew I'd never help
Sylvester Le Fley, reward or no reward.
263
00:26:10,047 --> 00:26:14,359
- So what are you doing back here today?
- Figured you still owed me lunch.
264
00:26:15,887 --> 00:26:17,878
Go on, then.
265
00:26:18,047 --> 00:26:21,403
We'll give that Italian
round the corner a try.
266
00:26:21,567 --> 00:26:27,005
Just... give me a minute
- make some calls, put my face on. I'll be with you.
267
00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:53,758
Of course, there's another school of
thought - that you know jack-shit about it.
268
00:26:53,927 --> 00:26:57,363
This is all a bluff to
make me feel like a dunce,
269
00:26:57,527 --> 00:26:59,757
while you get to act all superior,
270
00:26:59,927 --> 00:27:04,637
which, according to my analyst, is further
evidence of your insecurity complex.
271
00:27:04,807 --> 00:27:06,798
MY insecurity complex?
272
00:27:09,927 --> 00:27:12,487
- Want to know how it was done?
- Yes.
273
00:27:12,647 --> 00:27:16,162
- How the painting magically disappeared?
- Yes!
274
00:27:16,327 --> 00:27:21,355
- So you can tell him and collect the reward.
- Yes, No... All right, then, yes.
275
00:27:21,527 --> 00:27:25,998
Oh, can't we just forget this
stupid vendetta and pocket the dosh?
276
00:27:26,167 --> 00:27:29,603
We can make some serious money here.
277
00:27:29,767 --> 00:27:34,716
They're desperate. I know the insurance
company are being sticky about the claim.
278
00:27:34,887 --> 00:27:40,439
If I picked up that phone now, I could
get him to double that reward... easily.
279
00:27:41,407 --> 00:27:44,160
£100,000, Jonathan.
280
00:27:44,367 --> 00:27:47,006
- You reckon?
- I'm sure of it.
281
00:27:48,007 --> 00:27:53,081
So, instead of saying, "Stuff your 50
grand," I could say, "Stuff your 100 grand. "
282
00:27:53,247 --> 00:27:55,238
Even more satisfying.
283
00:27:58,047 --> 00:28:00,038
I surrender.
284
00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:11,398
All right.
285
00:28:12,247 --> 00:28:16,798
As that was a particularly fine linguine,
let's have a quick canter through it.
286
00:28:18,807 --> 00:28:23,927
The first girls come out with his secretary.
The painting's in view of everyone present.
287
00:28:24,087 --> 00:28:27,921
In 30 seconds, it's cut from its
frame and removed from the room.
288
00:28:28,087 --> 00:28:30,078
There's nowhere it could've been hidden.
289
00:28:30,247 --> 00:28:34,286
The thief somehow managed to spirit himself
through the gallery without being seen
290
00:28:34,447 --> 00:28:37,439
and knock Le Fley to the floor outside.
291
00:28:37,647 --> 00:28:41,606
The overhead window doesn't open.
292
00:28:41,767 --> 00:28:45,965
Police said there was no sign
it had been tampered with.
293
00:28:46,127 --> 00:28:51,155
I don't know... I've been working
on every conceivable possibility.
294
00:28:52,087 --> 00:28:56,399
Did it occur to you that someone could
cut it without being in the room...
295
00:28:57,447 --> 00:29:01,156
using a high-powered laser
through the glass in the ceiling?
296
00:29:02,367 --> 00:29:04,961
You are kidding me?!
297
00:29:05,167 --> 00:29:08,204
'Course I am. The idea's ridiculous.
298
00:29:08,407 --> 00:29:13,481
In fact, this trick was so sublimely
simple, you'll wonder why you didn't get it.
299
00:29:13,687 --> 00:29:16,997
For goodness' sake,
put me out of my misery.
300
00:29:17,167 --> 00:29:20,682
What was the significance
of the sodding Spam sandwich.
301
00:29:20,887 --> 00:29:23,162
Ah! Absolutely.
302
00:29:24,047 --> 00:29:29,246
And, for that matter, what's the
significance of the scented room...
303
00:29:30,007 --> 00:29:31,998
which puts another
spin on it altogether?
304
00:29:32,167 --> 00:29:34,397
The scented room?
305
00:29:34,967 --> 00:29:38,357
You clocked it. The second
we stepped through that door,
306
00:29:38,527 --> 00:29:42,805
a heavy fragrance of something sweet
and floral in that drawing room.
307
00:29:42,967 --> 00:29:46,642
That's right, that was coming
from the pot-pourri on the table.
308
00:29:48,367 --> 00:29:53,043
You mean pot-pourri, one of the
biggest cons of the 20th century?
309
00:29:53,207 --> 00:29:57,723
People pick it up in a shop, what
do they do? "Mmm! Smell this one.
310
00:29:57,887 --> 00:30:01,004
"That's sensational! Oh,
I'll have some of that. "
311
00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:05,763
Yes, if you shove your face in it. Put
some in bowl, you can't smell a thing.
312
00:30:05,967 --> 00:30:09,846
Should be a label
- "Only effective when inserted up nostril. "
313
00:30:10,047 --> 00:30:12,686
Is there a point to this?
314
00:30:12,847 --> 00:30:17,045
The point is that the smell
wasn't coming from the pot-pourri.
315
00:30:18,087 --> 00:30:22,285
I'm not with you. What are you saying?
316
00:30:22,447 --> 00:30:26,042
That it was someone's perfume
that was involved in the robbery?
317
00:30:26,727 --> 00:30:29,560
Perfumes don't hang around
like that for two whole days.
318
00:30:29,767 --> 00:30:33,396
Well... what, then?
319
00:30:35,607 --> 00:30:37,598
All right. Mr Creek, is it?
320
00:30:37,767 --> 00:30:41,601
Detective Inspector Roy Gregson. You've
got some serious questions to answer.
321
00:30:41,767 --> 00:30:45,999
Yes, actually, Inspector, your
services aren't required after all...
322
00:30:46,167 --> 00:30:51,605
Just let me handle this. Are you aware it's an
offence to withhold information about a crime?
323
00:30:51,807 --> 00:30:56,039
You can either save yourself grief
by telling me everything you know
324
00:30:56,207 --> 00:30:59,756
about the theft of Lady
Theresa Cutler's painting...
325
00:31:00,967 --> 00:31:03,640
or we can play hardball.
326
00:31:04,407 --> 00:31:07,205
Why does your ID say
"North Thames Gas Board"?
327
00:31:08,927 --> 00:31:13,876
Don't get clever with me or you'll regret it.
Failure to disclose evidence is a serious matter.
328
00:31:14,767 --> 00:31:18,362
So is impersonating a
police officer. Nice try.
329
00:31:20,647 --> 00:31:23,764
I have to be going.
I'll see you in court.
330
00:31:23,927 --> 00:31:29,638
Oh, Jonathan! I had to have a contingency
plan. You can't blame me for that.
331
00:31:34,847 --> 00:31:38,317
OK, now you can open them.
332
00:31:40,927 --> 00:31:43,122
What do you think?
333
00:31:45,887 --> 00:31:48,640
You did say you wanted a tree house.
334
00:31:48,927 --> 00:31:51,395
- What's that on the side?
- Ah.
335
00:31:52,567 --> 00:31:54,683
A lift.
336
00:31:56,607 --> 00:32:01,601
So you don't get all scratched and tear
your clothes climbing up the branches.
337
00:32:06,167 --> 00:32:08,965
Come on. As if we haven't
got enough problems...
338
00:32:12,167 --> 00:32:13,566
Sylvester Le Fley.
339
00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:15,758
Mmm...
340
00:32:17,287 --> 00:32:19,084
What?
341
00:32:19,567 --> 00:32:21,717
They are joking, surely to God?!
342
00:32:23,727 --> 00:32:27,083
Well, you tell him I
want to speak to him NOW.
343
00:32:27,247 --> 00:32:30,239
Your blasted insurance company aren't
buying the painting's disappearance.
344
00:32:30,407 --> 00:32:33,604
They say there isn't enough
evidence a crime was committed.
345
00:32:33,767 --> 00:32:37,043
If that Creek does know something,
he's bloody well telling us!
346
00:32:53,447 --> 00:32:57,998
What this time? A row of flags coming
out of the Duke of Edinburgh's flies?
347
00:32:58,167 --> 00:32:59,486
Jonathan Creek?
348
00:32:59,647 --> 00:33:06,564
Jonathan, I have a multiple choice question. If
you could choose the manner of your own death,
349
00:33:06,727 --> 00:33:11,039
would it be A - peacefully in your sleep,
B - breathlessly with Nicole Kidman,
350
00:33:11,207 --> 00:33:14,199
or C
- being dismembered by a homicidal illusionist?
351
00:33:14,407 --> 00:33:19,959
If C, simply hang up now. If not, get
your backside down to Cicada Park tomorrow
352
00:33:20,127 --> 00:33:23,915
and explain to Sylvester and Tweety
Pie what happened to their El Greco.
353
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:27,597
But... I'm sorry. I'm
not with any of this.
354
00:33:27,767 --> 00:33:29,997
Then, let me keep it simple.
355
00:33:30,207 --> 00:33:34,598
Lady Theresa Cutler's chairperson of
the local Conservative Association.
356
00:33:34,767 --> 00:33:38,123
She wields immense influence
upon Westminster Council,
357
00:33:38,287 --> 00:33:42,326
who have the power of life or
death over our concert on Saturday.
358
00:33:42,527 --> 00:33:46,964
Our concert in the park
has been refused a permit
359
00:33:47,167 --> 00:33:50,364
on discretionary grounds that
purport to concern public safety,
360
00:33:50,527 --> 00:33:55,396
but really concern a member of my staff who
naïvely thinks he cannot be bought with money.
361
00:33:55,567 --> 00:33:59,276
Wrong, Jonathan. Money can
buy anything and anyone.
362
00:33:59,447 --> 00:34:01,961
This is a battle we cannot win,
363
00:34:02,127 --> 00:34:05,517
so surrender your
pride and save the show.
364
00:34:05,727 --> 00:34:09,481
By tomorrow lunchtime, Jonathan,
I expect to hear good news.
365
00:34:14,687 --> 00:34:16,678
Okey-dokey, my sweet.
366
00:34:16,847 --> 00:34:21,716
E
- mail? What's that? I can barely remember my postcode.
367
00:34:22,607 --> 00:34:26,156
Will do, then. Sure. Cheerio. Bye.
368
00:34:26,327 --> 00:34:28,602
Jonathan! To what do we owe?
369
00:34:29,447 --> 00:34:31,677
You're looking lost.
370
00:34:32,727 --> 00:34:37,881
This stolen painting. Something's
come up, and I've got to move on it.
371
00:34:38,647 --> 00:34:42,037
I can't track her nibs down
this morning for love nor money.
372
00:34:42,207 --> 00:34:46,439
I didn't expect to. I know it's today
he's coming down, this Gordon Hill.
373
00:34:47,767 --> 00:34:53,842
I just thought if you had a contact number... If
she can put her love life on hold for 24 hours.
374
00:34:54,047 --> 00:34:57,835
- How much has she told you about all this?
- About what?
375
00:34:58,047 --> 00:35:00,607
You've known Madeline how long?
376
00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:03,480
A matter of months?
377
00:35:03,847 --> 00:35:08,125
You'll not have scratched her
surface yet... so to speak.
378
00:35:08,287 --> 00:35:11,643
You do, you'll find a
lot of protective layers,
379
00:35:11,807 --> 00:35:16,005
like she makes it look very
easy, but it hasnae been.
380
00:35:16,167 --> 00:35:19,364
You never knew her
father. Neither did she.
381
00:35:19,567 --> 00:35:25,244
Her mother... was a wreck,
who lived on her nerves.
382
00:35:25,407 --> 00:35:31,323
One day, she was stopped in a store,
accused of stealing a packet of bacon.
383
00:35:31,487 --> 00:35:35,275
She said it was all a mistake.
Supermarket took her to court.
384
00:35:35,447 --> 00:35:41,443
Next day, she pulled the wire from an
electric iron and put it in her mouth.
385
00:35:41,647 --> 00:35:46,402
Maddy came home from work. She was 17.
386
00:35:47,967 --> 00:35:53,041
Ran away after that... to try and put
the pain behind her, except it never goes.
387
00:35:53,727 --> 00:35:56,321
It just sits there,
388
00:35:56,527 --> 00:36:01,043
waiting for the day when you'll
come back and confront it.
389
00:36:01,767 --> 00:36:05,237
For Maddy, today's that day.
390
00:36:06,767 --> 00:36:09,725
So... who's Gordon Hill?
391
00:37:16,927 --> 00:37:18,918
Lunch break. We've timed it well.
392
00:37:19,087 --> 00:37:25,003
This shouldn't take too long. Just one
last piece of the jigsaw and we're all set.
393
00:37:36,847 --> 00:37:42,240
I was told to expect you. You
have some news for us, I believe.
394
00:37:42,407 --> 00:37:44,796
Benjamin, you all right?
395
00:37:44,967 --> 00:37:47,640
How would you like to
learn another trick?
396
00:37:48,447 --> 00:37:54,795
So on a scale of one to ten, Mr Le Fley, just
how baffling would you say this robbery was?
397
00:37:55,007 --> 00:37:58,522
If this is another feeble
attempt to antagonise me...
398
00:37:58,687 --> 00:38:00,962
10... 20... 100.
399
00:38:01,127 --> 00:38:04,961
Haven't we all driven ourselves utterly
demented trying to figure it out?
400
00:38:05,167 --> 00:38:08,125
All right. Just so we're clear.
401
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:13,360
No one in any doubt the painting
did actually vanish from this room?
402
00:38:13,567 --> 00:38:18,561
I think that's the one factor in this whole
blasted business we can be certain of. Why?
403
00:38:18,767 --> 00:38:23,397
Because it's going to make what
happens next totally impossible.
404
00:38:23,567 --> 00:38:28,322
If everyone could just leave
now except for Benjamin.
405
00:38:28,527 --> 00:38:29,846
- Benjamin?
- What?
406
00:38:30,047 --> 00:38:33,164
Indulge him. It usually pays off.
407
00:38:44,287 --> 00:38:47,882
About 30 seconds, I think
you said, the door was closed.
408
00:38:48,047 --> 00:38:51,881
- Yes.
- If you want to put your watch on...
409
00:39:04,007 --> 00:39:05,599
OK?
410
00:39:11,407 --> 00:39:13,637
It can't be!
411
00:39:15,927 --> 00:39:20,045
Now, remember, Benj.
First law of magic -
412
00:39:20,407 --> 00:39:22,637
never tell them how it was done.
413
00:39:23,607 --> 00:39:28,761
The, um... sordid matter
of the reward, Lady Theresa.
414
00:39:28,927 --> 00:39:31,202
What? Oh, yes...
415
00:39:31,367 --> 00:39:34,518
It's obviously something I'll
have to take up with your son.
416
00:39:34,687 --> 00:39:42,162
Well, then, perhaps you can use it to buy
him something he really needs, like... a life.
417
00:39:49,487 --> 00:39:52,081
So... I don't know.
418
00:39:53,887 --> 00:39:58,005
All that stuff about
"it'll be really cathartic"
419
00:39:58,807 --> 00:40:01,116
was absolute bollocks in the end.
420
00:40:03,167 --> 00:40:09,515
The only way I could ever get through all the
horror in life was to try and forget about it.
421
00:40:11,647 --> 00:40:15,242
I think I might just have
stepped in front of that digger
422
00:40:15,847 --> 00:40:19,476
if he hadn't showed up at that point...
423
00:40:19,647 --> 00:40:22,559
to finish that business
of the stolen picture.
424
00:40:23,807 --> 00:40:29,564
Do you remember me telling you about it?
Talk about the last person I'd ever suspect.
425
00:40:31,767 --> 00:40:33,962
How did you find out?
426
00:40:35,527 --> 00:40:41,557
Through a boring process of watertight logic.
The same logic that told me how you did it.
427
00:40:41,727 --> 00:40:44,605
There was no question it was one of you.
428
00:40:44,807 --> 00:40:47,401
What we're still hazy on is why.
429
00:40:52,607 --> 00:40:57,727
You'll have to speak to Melissa, my
sister. She'll be round at Geoff's.
430
00:40:57,927 --> 00:41:00,805
So suddenly, I'm thinking,
"Melissa, Melissa... "
431
00:41:00,967 --> 00:41:05,882
That name that cropped up earlier, but
it took me a minute to remember where.
432
00:41:06,087 --> 00:41:09,682
That's another habit we picked
up from Melissa, isn't it?
433
00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:13,441
His last nanny was a
terribly bad influence.
434
00:41:13,647 --> 00:41:20,598
Well... was that a tale and a half,
when it actually came out in the wash.
435
00:41:20,807 --> 00:41:24,959
For God's sake, Judith. Do
you want to get us put away?
436
00:41:25,167 --> 00:41:29,001
We won't rat on you. That's
not the object of the exercise.
437
00:41:29,167 --> 00:41:33,445
We know you set all this
up to get your own back,
438
00:41:34,527 --> 00:41:38,566
for which I'm sure Jonathan would
love to give you a big wet kiss.
439
00:41:38,727 --> 00:41:42,242
I've got no problem giving
Sylvester Le Fley a hard time.
440
00:41:42,407 --> 00:41:45,763
I'm curious which of his many
charming qualities drove you to it.
441
00:41:48,247 --> 00:41:50,920
They had no idea about that child.
442
00:41:51,087 --> 00:41:53,123
No idea or they didn't care.
443
00:41:53,287 --> 00:41:57,246
They were too into themselves and their
ritzy lifestyle gadding round the globe.
444
00:41:57,447 --> 00:42:00,564
Aspen one day, St Moritz the next.
445
00:42:00,727 --> 00:42:04,322
They'd never given Benjy
any time, any quality time.
446
00:42:04,487 --> 00:42:07,445
It was like anything he
wanted, he could have,
447
00:42:07,607 --> 00:42:13,079
except the one thing he really needed
- a mother and father who were prepared to make the effort.
448
00:42:13,287 --> 00:42:16,438
When they were around, she'd
often be on this knife-edge,
449
00:42:16,607 --> 00:42:19,838
giving her husband hell
over absolutely nothing.
450
00:42:20,007 --> 00:42:24,000
Sometimes she'd get quite
violent. Talk about volatile.
451
00:42:25,167 --> 00:42:27,965
Of course, I didn't find favour at all.
452
00:42:29,287 --> 00:42:33,519
I indulged him. Of course
I did. I worshipped him.
453
00:42:34,727 --> 00:42:39,676
When they gave me a fortnight's notice,
well... there weren't enough tears to cry.
454
00:42:41,167 --> 00:42:45,285
I just thought if there was any
way I could put them through it,
455
00:42:45,487 --> 00:42:47,921
deprive them of something
they really loved.
456
00:42:48,807 --> 00:42:52,356
Something like a
million-pound painting?
457
00:42:52,567 --> 00:42:58,517
To take it without actually stealing
it... I've got to say, it was a nice one.
458
00:42:58,727 --> 00:43:02,242
Everyone could see it had
vanished, but where to?
459
00:43:02,447 --> 00:43:05,120
The floor and walls
didn't offer any clue.
460
00:43:05,327 --> 00:43:10,959
It had to be the window, but how do you get
up there and open a window that doesn't open?
461
00:43:12,247 --> 00:43:14,283
Answer
- you didn't.
462
00:43:14,447 --> 00:43:16,438
The window had nothing to do with it.
463
00:43:17,687 --> 00:43:21,680
Once you cross that one off,
you're down to only one possibility,
464
00:43:21,887 --> 00:43:24,959
which was so gloriously unlikely,
it never occurred to anyone.
465
00:43:40,487 --> 00:43:44,844
The contrasting grain on each
side told the whole story.
466
00:43:45,247 --> 00:43:50,116
The way the original Spanish builders
secured the panels to the frame,
467
00:43:50,287 --> 00:43:53,723
you'd ended up with a door
that was technically hollow.
468
00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:57,202
Geoff first saw the possibilities.
469
00:43:57,887 --> 00:44:01,038
One day, when he was there
helping me pack my stuff...
470
00:44:01,207 --> 00:44:03,004
Melissa.
471
00:44:04,927 --> 00:44:09,284
Finding an hour when Eric and
Martha were out of the way was easy.
472
00:44:09,967 --> 00:44:15,883
Then it was just a question of opening a slit,
a couple of nails that could be swivelled across.
473
00:44:16,047 --> 00:44:19,039
We rehung it. Everything was set.
474
00:44:19,207 --> 00:44:26,124
Judith thought of the idea of the school outing.
Who'd suspect a bunch of 12-year-old girls?
475
00:44:26,287 --> 00:44:28,118
So what happened?
476
00:44:28,287 --> 00:44:31,484
Six of you went in
but only five came out.
477
00:44:31,647 --> 00:44:35,242
Who's counting schoolgirls? Half
a minute's just about enough.
478
00:44:35,447 --> 00:44:38,996
Your pals are outside keeping
Martha busy with a few questions.
479
00:44:46,447 --> 00:44:48,597
So when the next group goes in...
480
00:44:48,767 --> 00:44:53,761
and everyone's glued to the empty
frame, you merge in with them.
481
00:44:53,967 --> 00:44:56,527
For my money, a world-class trick,
482
00:44:56,687 --> 00:45:00,475
with a delicious irony that
all the time he's freaking out,
483
00:45:00,687 --> 00:45:04,077
it's just a few yards away,
between two panels of wood.
484
00:45:04,287 --> 00:45:07,120
Like a slice of Spam in a sandwich.
485
00:45:07,327 --> 00:45:09,966
The rest of it we have to guess,
486
00:45:10,127 --> 00:45:15,724
but it's not wide of the mark to imagine
Theresa getting ballistic with her husband.
487
00:45:15,887 --> 00:45:18,082
.. you patronising louse!
488
00:45:18,247 --> 00:45:20,238
Oh, my God! I'm sorry!
489
00:45:20,407 --> 00:45:23,922
He dashes inside. Major panic.
490
00:45:24,087 --> 00:45:27,841
Not only is one of their most
valuable art treasures gone,
491
00:45:28,007 --> 00:45:30,919
there's not a shred of
evidence anyone was in there.
492
00:45:31,087 --> 00:45:33,521
That won't look good
on an insurance claim.
493
00:45:33,687 --> 00:45:38,681
The loss adjuster will need more
evidence. So what does he come up with?
494
00:45:41,447 --> 00:45:45,281
An imaginary whack from
behind by the unseen intruder.
495
00:45:49,767 --> 00:45:52,565
Mr Le Fley! Are you all right?
496
00:45:52,727 --> 00:45:57,164
He's already got the head
wound, courtesy of his wife.
497
00:45:57,367 --> 00:45:58,959
It's a gift.
498
00:45:59,127 --> 00:46:02,437
- Eric!
- Yes, someone hit me. An intruder...
499
00:46:02,607 --> 00:46:06,361
They come up with another
idea before the police arrive.
500
00:46:06,527 --> 00:46:13,160
A set of footprints in the dust on the floor
to show where the thief had left the building.
501
00:46:13,327 --> 00:46:17,684
Slight drawback
- there wasn't any dust. It'd just been cleaned.
502
00:46:17,847 --> 00:46:20,077
No problem. They just create their own.
503
00:46:34,927 --> 00:46:40,524
Hence the overpowering smell that hit
us inside the room. See what I'm saying?
504
00:46:40,687 --> 00:46:44,566
It'd be a brilliant read,
if I could actually use it,
505
00:46:44,727 --> 00:46:50,040
but that'd drop the ex-nanny and her sister
in it, and we gave our word to keep schtum.
506
00:46:50,207 --> 00:46:54,837
Well, you've got to respect
a confidence like that, so...
507
00:46:55,007 --> 00:46:59,683
Sorry. Where was I? You will
stop me if I start rambling?
508
00:47:01,807 --> 00:47:05,800
You can't believe a couple like
that would ever stay together,
509
00:47:05,967 --> 00:47:09,482
considering there's no communication
between them of any kind.
510
00:47:09,687 --> 00:47:13,396
What I can't understand is his
complete lack of embarrassment about it.
511
00:47:13,567 --> 00:47:19,244
To turn up at Buckingham Palace with 12 birds
concealed about your person is a major error.
512
00:47:20,287 --> 00:47:24,644
That's the death of any relationship,
when people stop listening to each other.
513
00:47:24,847 --> 00:47:29,125
Since when has the Royal Family been
noted for its puckish sense of humour?
514
00:47:29,327 --> 00:47:32,558
Especially when there's a child
involved, there's no excuse.
515
00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:37,124
You just know one will
escape and where it will go.
516
00:47:37,287 --> 00:47:41,803
That's why if we ever had a son,
it'd work out. We'd make sure it did.
517
00:47:41,967 --> 00:47:47,325
It's the first time in memory the Queen's
presented an MBE with a canary up her skirt.
518
00:47:47,487 --> 00:47:50,957
Somehow, I don't think he'll top
the bill at the Royal Command.
519
00:47:51,127 --> 00:47:53,766
Ever thought about
that, Jonathan, at all?
520
00:47:55,127 --> 00:47:57,595
- Sorry?
- Having a family.
521
00:47:57,767 --> 00:48:00,565
Settling down and all that.
522
00:48:01,007 --> 00:48:03,885
Right... Very probably.
523
00:48:09,807 --> 00:48:13,277
What can I smell in here?
Is it talcum powd...?
524
00:48:13,327 --> 00:48:17,877
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