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1
00:00:00,171 --> 00:00:03,311
Tonight, on the
"Inside Amy Schumer Reunion"...
2
00:00:03,512 --> 00:00:05,723
What was that just now when
I just said it to Andy Cohen?
3
00:00:05,724 --> 00:00:06,828
A lie?
4
00:00:06,829 --> 00:00:07,971
You mix reds and whites.
5
00:00:07,972 --> 00:00:09,300
I've got your
infection right here.
6
00:00:09,365 --> 00:00:12,005
No, I do not wanna have brunch,
thank you for asking.
7
00:00:15,858 --> 00:00:17,728
Hey, everybody,
I'm Andy Cohen.
8
00:00:17,793 --> 00:00:20,263
And I'm here with
the beautiful and beguiling
9
00:00:20,329 --> 00:00:22,929
ladies of "Inside Amy Schumer."
10
00:00:22,998 --> 00:00:27,608
You all look so amazing
and classy and stunning.
11
00:00:27,669 --> 00:00:28,769
Yes.
12
00:00:28,837 --> 00:00:30,037
Hi, Amy Schumer.
13
00:00:30,105 --> 00:00:31,745
Hi, Andy Cohen.
14
00:00:31,807 --> 00:00:34,747
Amy, I love your hair,
very Barbarella.
15
00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:36,650
Oh, thank you, um...
16
00:00:36,712 --> 00:00:39,682
I wanted something
different and, um...
17
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,488
With my new line
coming out.
18
00:00:41,550 --> 00:00:43,290
And my name was
almost Barbara.
19
00:00:43,352 --> 00:00:45,622
So that's a very funny
you mention that.
20
00:00:45,687 --> 00:00:47,427
'Cause my line
is coming out.
21
00:00:47,489 --> 00:00:49,459
Hi, Kim Caramele.
22
00:00:49,525 --> 00:00:50,855
Hi, Andy Cohen.
23
00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:55,296
Gosh, supervising producer,
writer, Amy's sister...
24
00:00:55,364 --> 00:00:57,464
Look at you.
You look like a princess.
25
00:00:57,533 --> 00:00:59,173
You look like Kate Middleton.
26
00:00:59,234 --> 00:01:01,674
Thank you, but, like, what
I always say about that
27
00:01:01,737 --> 00:01:03,477
is just, like, I just do me.
28
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,471
And then that's it,
like, I do me.
29
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:08,633
I've literally never heard you
say that your whole life.
30
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:10,672
And, like, I've known you
your whole life.
31
00:01:10,734 --> 00:01:11,834
Oh, do you have ears?
32
00:01:11,902 --> 00:01:13,602
'Cause, like, I just
said it to Andy Cohen.
33
00:01:13,670 --> 00:01:16,270
What are these on my head?
-Check the tape, check the tape.
34
00:01:16,339 --> 00:01:17,609
What are these on my head?
Check the tape.
35
00:01:17,674 --> 00:01:18,874
Check the tape.
What are these?
36
00:01:18,942 --> 00:01:20,382
Check the tape.
Check the tape.
37
00:01:20,444 --> 00:01:21,544
What are these on my head?
Check the tape.
38
00:01:21,611 --> 00:01:22,551
They're ears.
39
00:01:25,782 --> 00:01:28,222
Greta Lee, you've been
on the show every season.
40
00:01:28,285 --> 00:01:31,255
Yes, but I've yet to be paid
for any of my appearances.
41
00:01:31,321 --> 00:01:33,461
But on the plus side,
you are Asian.
42
00:01:35,325 --> 00:01:36,465
Hi, Bridget Everett.
43
00:01:36,526 --> 00:01:37,626
Hi, Andy Cohen.
44
00:01:37,694 --> 00:01:40,194
Bridget Everett,
you are a socialite,
45
00:01:40,263 --> 00:01:43,233
you're a debutante,
you're a goddamn legend.
46
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:44,740
Hi, Andy Cohen.
47
00:01:46,436 --> 00:01:47,706
Hi, Amy Schumer.
48
00:01:47,771 --> 00:01:49,711
Hi... Andy Cohen.
49
00:01:49,773 --> 00:01:51,613
Are we still doing hellos?
I thought...
50
00:01:51,675 --> 00:01:54,315
Oh, yeah, the hello's
on reunion shows
51
00:01:54,378 --> 00:01:55,608
last for about half an hour.
52
00:01:55,679 --> 00:01:56,749
Hi, Andy Cohen.
53
00:01:56,813 --> 00:01:58,253
Well, this show
is only a half hour,
54
00:01:58,315 --> 00:02:00,555
so, like, let's move it along.
55
00:02:00,617 --> 00:02:01,360
Oh, okay.
56
00:02:01,361 --> 00:02:02,561
Listen, let's take a look
57
00:02:02,629 --> 00:02:04,229
at some of the most
memorable moments
58
00:02:04,297 --> 00:02:06,397
from the first
three seasons, watch.
59
00:02:06,790 --> 00:02:09,890
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,
and I'm proud to say
60
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,360
that I'm a feminist.
61
00:02:11,428 --> 00:02:14,228
That's why today, I'm hosting
my very own gang bang.
62
00:02:14,298 --> 00:02:16,438
If nobody needs anything else,
honey, I'm gonna head upstairs.
63
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,140
Start lubing up so you can blast
my dirt (bleep) with your thumb
64
00:02:19,203 --> 00:02:21,073
while you lobster hand me
in the (bleep), okay?
65
00:02:21,138 --> 00:02:22,408
And then you can
66
00:02:22,473 --> 00:02:23,603
while I call my mom, mwah.
67
00:02:23,674 --> 00:02:26,314
God?
For me to undo your herpes,
68
00:02:26,376 --> 00:02:29,876
I'd have to kill off an entire
village in Uzbekistan.
69
00:02:29,947 --> 00:02:31,887
Yeah, whatever you think
is best, do it.
70
00:02:31,949 --> 00:02:34,689
I really need to stop
making so many white girls.
71
00:02:34,751 --> 00:02:36,251
I'm going to get my dildo.
72
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,220
Boom!
73
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:39,558
First of all,
74
00:02:39,623 --> 00:02:42,123
no one feel any pressure
to unload everything.
75
00:02:44,862 --> 00:02:47,432
This is just a case
of slut shaming.
76
00:02:47,498 --> 00:02:50,838
But this slut is not ashamed.
77
00:02:50,901 --> 00:02:53,601
Heading to the can.
Gonna make some room.
78
00:02:53,670 --> 00:02:55,010
My boner just got a boner.
79
00:02:55,072 --> 00:02:58,072
Amy, I'm Willenby,
your royal attaché.
80
00:02:58,142 --> 00:03:00,182
It's time you knew
the truth.
81
00:03:00,244 --> 00:03:03,344
You're not a disgusting,
filthy commoner at all.
82
00:03:03,413 --> 00:03:04,983
You're a princess!
83
00:03:05,048 --> 00:03:07,148
A princess?
84
00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:09,288
Me?!
85
00:03:09,353 --> 00:03:10,753
Girl, you don't need makeup
86
00:03:10,821 --> 00:03:12,291
You're perfect
when you wake up...
87
00:03:12,356 --> 00:03:14,096
Excuse me, shoppers.
88
00:03:14,158 --> 00:03:16,928
Amy is the prettiest customer
we've ever had in here.
89
00:03:16,994 --> 00:03:19,664
Oh, my God,
I look so great with bangs!
90
00:03:19,730 --> 00:03:21,170
I know, right?
Ahh!
91
00:03:21,231 --> 00:03:23,671
In every actress' life,
the media decides
92
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:25,334
when you finally reach
the point
93
00:03:25,402 --> 00:03:27,802
where you're not believably
(bleep) anymore.
94
00:03:27,871 --> 00:03:28,841
Who tells you?
95
00:03:28,906 --> 00:03:30,006
She's built like
a lineman
96
00:03:30,073 --> 00:03:32,113
and she has cabbage
patch-like features.
97
00:03:32,176 --> 00:03:33,776
Her ass makes me furious!
98
00:03:33,844 --> 00:03:36,284
I'd give that ass a... four?
99
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:39,286
Really good tits,
but her face was just okay.
100
00:03:40,384 --> 00:03:41,954
I got no damn arms!
101
00:03:42,019 --> 00:03:43,689
Have you always been
a (bleep) trash heap?
102
00:03:43,754 --> 00:03:45,624
You guys want some
of this here burrito?
103
00:03:45,689 --> 00:03:46,719
No.
104
00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:47,860
Burrito?
No.
105
00:03:47,925 --> 00:03:50,025
When I said,
"I want a ton of soy sauce,"
106
00:03:50,093 --> 00:03:54,163
what you heard was, "I want...
two soy sauces"?
107
00:03:54,231 --> 00:03:55,671
My dream for the future is
108
00:03:55,732 --> 00:03:59,132
right now that somebody brings
us some curly fries.
109
00:03:59,203 --> 00:04:00,233
Just soak up
all the booze.
110
00:04:00,304 --> 00:04:01,334
We're just like drinking
111
00:04:01,405 --> 00:04:03,145
and it's like, ugh,
perfect storm.
112
00:04:03,207 --> 00:04:05,747
I was cyberbullying my niece
on Instagram the other day,
113
00:04:05,809 --> 00:04:09,209
and I literally ate
15 mini muffins, I'm so bad.
114
00:04:09,279 --> 00:04:11,519
(bleep) you,
I'm a (bleep) cow.
115
00:04:11,582 --> 00:04:13,482
Indian people are trying
to worship me.
116
00:04:13,550 --> 00:04:15,020
I sleep standing up
in a field.
117
00:04:15,085 --> 00:04:16,855
Happy birth...
118
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,260
Amy! When did you
get back from Iraq?
119
00:04:19,323 --> 00:04:20,923
This isn't working
for me.
120
00:04:20,991 --> 00:04:22,861
I think we should
see other people.
121
00:04:25,062 --> 00:04:26,932
This is so
the universe telling me,
122
00:04:26,997 --> 00:04:29,667
Girl, just, like, keep (bleep)
your married boss, right?
123
00:04:29,733 --> 00:04:31,003
I'm not asking
that you (bleep) bang me
124
00:04:31,068 --> 00:04:33,608
in the back of my Tercel
like it's 1997.
125
00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:35,240
I'm just asking for a chance
to make a difference.
126
00:04:35,305 --> 00:04:36,875
These are the best years
of your lives
127
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:38,780
because you're (bleep) losers!
128
00:04:38,842 --> 00:04:41,042
Wooorms!
129
00:04:42,913 --> 00:04:45,353
Women are funny,
women are funny.
130
00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:48,585
I am not my (bleep) mother!
131
00:04:48,652 --> 00:04:49,952
Hah!
132
00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:51,290
Oh!
133
00:04:51,355 --> 00:04:53,125
Ooh! Oh!
134
00:04:54,358 --> 00:04:55,358
Whoo!
135
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:56,525
Oh!
136
00:04:58,262 --> 00:04:59,932
Cocaine is
the cat's pajamas!
137
00:04:59,997 --> 00:05:01,897
It's gonna be
a stank night, girl.
138
00:05:01,965 --> 00:05:04,265
You know what?
Round of drinks on me.
139
00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:05,434
Wow!
140
00:05:05,502 --> 00:05:07,872
Amy, Amy, Amy...
141
00:05:07,938 --> 00:05:09,238
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
142
00:05:09,306 --> 00:05:12,476
So let's raise a glass...
143
00:05:12,543 --> 00:05:13,573
Bing.
144
00:05:15,612 --> 00:05:17,882
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug.
145
00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:21,120
Milk, milk, lemonade
146
00:05:21,185 --> 00:05:22,985
Milk, milk
lemonade
147
00:05:23,053 --> 00:05:24,923
Milk, milk, lemonade
148
00:05:24,988 --> 00:05:26,558
'Round the corner
fudge is made
149
00:05:26,623 --> 00:05:28,223
Milk, milk, lemonade
150
00:05:28,292 --> 00:05:29,962
'Round the corner
fudge is made
151
00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:33,427
What I gotta do to get
that (bleep) in my mouth?
152
00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:39,334
You guys don't even
know I'm cooler.
153
00:05:39,403 --> 00:05:40,843
Ah! Oh!
154
00:05:40,904 --> 00:05:42,744
I am a good person.
155
00:05:42,806 --> 00:05:44,146
I like
this good show.
156
00:05:44,208 --> 00:05:45,338
Last time I checked,
157
00:05:45,409 --> 00:05:47,749
good plus good
did not equal guilty.
158
00:05:47,811 --> 00:05:49,411
Now let's get out there!
159
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,480
Clear eyes,
full hearts.
160
00:05:52,549 --> 00:05:53,489
Don't rape!
161
00:05:53,550 --> 00:05:54,850
We're doing God's work.
162
00:05:58,388 --> 00:06:01,628
Okay, Mavis L. from
Rancho Cucamonga writes,
163
00:06:01,692 --> 00:06:04,592
"Amy, why do you talk
about your pussy so much?
164
00:06:04,661 --> 00:06:07,761
"Are you scared we don't
believe you have one?
165
00:06:07,831 --> 00:06:09,801
We get it.
You're disgusting."
166
00:06:09,867 --> 00:06:11,837
I have to say
that I have no idea
167
00:06:11,902 --> 00:06:13,272
what that is
in reference to.
168
00:06:14,538 --> 00:06:17,278
Uh, you know.
169
00:06:17,341 --> 00:06:18,811
No idea.
170
00:06:18,876 --> 00:06:20,276
You know.
We all know.
171
00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:23,844
I have literally
never in my life
172
00:06:23,914 --> 00:06:25,684
said that word before, so...
173
00:06:27,751 --> 00:06:29,021
What did you just say?!
174
00:06:29,086 --> 00:06:30,356
I said you're delusional!
What did you just say?
175
00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:32,560
Say it to my face!
I said "You're day-loo..."
176
00:06:35,259 --> 00:06:36,959
I said you're delusional!
177
00:06:37,027 --> 00:06:39,297
You don't even know
what delusional means!
178
00:06:39,363 --> 00:06:40,633
You don't know
what it means.
179
00:06:40,697 --> 00:06:41,737
You don't know what
anything means!
180
00:06:41,799 --> 00:06:42,769
I'm not delusional.
181
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:43,863
Yeah, you always
take her side!
182
00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:45,474
No, you know what?
I can't, no.
183
00:06:45,536 --> 00:06:46,606
Sit down.
184
00:06:46,670 --> 00:06:48,710
Good, good, walk out
like you always do.
185
00:06:48,772 --> 00:06:49,872
I'm not, I'm not.
186
00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:51,040
Walk out like
you always do.
187
00:06:51,108 --> 00:06:52,208
No, because you know
why I'm not?!
188
00:06:52,276 --> 00:06:54,316
Because, because
you know why I'm not!
189
00:06:54,378 --> 00:06:56,918
And what you wrote
is very hurtful to me.
190
00:06:56,980 --> 00:06:58,250
I didn't say anything!
191
00:06:58,315 --> 00:07:00,515
It's very hurtful to me!
Prove it!
192
00:07:00,584 --> 00:07:02,324
I didn't say anything!
193
00:07:02,386 --> 00:07:03,856
Sit back down, Amy.
194
00:07:03,921 --> 00:07:05,151
Okay.
Come back.
195
00:07:05,222 --> 00:07:06,992
Sit down, Kim.
196
00:07:08,392 --> 00:07:10,392
Amy, are you seriously saying
197
00:07:10,461 --> 00:07:13,001
that you've never
said the word "pussy"?
198
00:07:13,063 --> 00:07:18,233
Andy, on my life... never!
199
00:07:18,302 --> 00:07:22,272
Never have I ever said
that word on my life.
200
00:07:22,339 --> 00:07:23,909
On my children's lives!
201
00:07:23,974 --> 00:07:25,274
On my children's
children's lives.
202
00:07:25,342 --> 00:07:27,442
Never have I said that word.
203
00:07:27,511 --> 00:07:30,951
That's family, and you
don't do that to family.
204
00:07:31,014 --> 00:07:34,184
Wait, are you saying
your pussy is family?
205
00:07:34,251 --> 00:07:36,421
She knows what
I'm talking about.
206
00:07:36,487 --> 00:07:38,127
Nobody knows what
you're talking about!
207
00:07:38,188 --> 00:07:39,588
You know what I'm
talking about! -Nobody knows!
208
00:07:39,656 --> 00:07:41,226
Nobody knows.
209
00:07:41,291 --> 00:07:45,091
Okay, well, let's see what
everybody is talking about.
210
00:07:45,162 --> 00:07:46,462
Take a look.
211
00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:48,070
Close your eyes.
Okay.
212
00:07:48,132 --> 00:07:49,602
Give me your hand.
Mm-hmm.
213
00:07:49,666 --> 00:07:52,736
Guess where your finger
is right now.
214
00:07:52,803 --> 00:07:53,833
My pussy.
215
00:07:53,904 --> 00:07:55,304
My pussy tastes
like nothing.
216
00:07:55,372 --> 00:07:56,772
'Cause I ate pussy
for breakfast.
217
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,640
I hope this kid's ready
to (bleep) a ton of pussy.
218
00:07:59,710 --> 00:08:00,680
Pussies.
Pussy.
219
00:08:00,744 --> 00:08:01,814
Pussy!
220
00:08:01,879 --> 00:08:03,379
Stop talking out
of your pussy right now.
221
00:08:03,447 --> 00:08:04,717
If my pussy had
a voice,
222
00:08:04,782 --> 00:08:05,882
it would sound
like Terry Gross
223
00:08:05,949 --> 00:08:07,789
with just a mouthful
of crackers.
224
00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:10,051
My character has a pussy.
225
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,120
Pussies.
226
00:08:11,188 --> 00:08:12,788
Can you not say... pussy?
227
00:08:12,856 --> 00:08:14,926
My pussy's (bleep) magic
228
00:08:14,992 --> 00:08:16,092
With a pussy on it.
229
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,000
I don't see what's
so hard about...
230
00:08:18,061 --> 00:08:19,161
just saying "vagina."
231
00:08:19,229 --> 00:08:21,969
Will this fix
my garbage pussy?
232
00:08:22,032 --> 00:08:24,272
Are you that girl
from the television
233
00:08:24,334 --> 00:08:26,334
who talks about
her pussy all the time?
234
00:08:26,403 --> 00:08:28,443
Yes!
235
00:08:28,505 --> 00:08:32,075
Kinda seems like
you say "pussy" a lot, Amy.
236
00:08:32,142 --> 00:08:33,442
Thank you.
237
00:08:33,510 --> 00:08:35,780
I see why
you would think that.
238
00:08:35,846 --> 00:08:38,916
And I, I want to
"sincereiously" apologize
239
00:08:38,982 --> 00:08:42,452
to my fans if that's what
they thought I was saying.
240
00:08:42,519 --> 00:08:44,619
But I have grown a lot.
241
00:08:44,688 --> 00:08:48,988
This has been a journey
with me and God.
242
00:08:49,059 --> 00:08:52,959
And everyone at the precinct
near my house.
243
00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:54,830
And I know what's in my heart.
244
00:08:54,898 --> 00:08:57,098
And it is my pussy.
245
00:08:59,603 --> 00:09:02,703
Okay, I mean... and, and I do,
I do wanna say this.
246
00:09:02,773 --> 00:09:04,513
I do wanna say this
about Amy, okay?
247
00:09:04,575 --> 00:09:06,545
I know that we have had
our differences.
248
00:09:06,610 --> 00:09:09,650
And I know that she knows
that I do hate her.
249
00:09:09,713 --> 00:09:11,683
Okay, but she also does
say that, like,
250
00:09:11,748 --> 00:09:12,688
she has a good heart.
251
00:09:12,749 --> 00:09:14,489
Okay, and she says
252
00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:16,391
she has a good heart
and family is family.
253
00:09:16,453 --> 00:09:18,193
Thank you
for saying that.
254
00:09:18,255 --> 00:09:20,455
Family is family.
255
00:09:20,524 --> 00:09:21,454
Family is family.
256
00:09:21,525 --> 00:09:22,895
Family is family.
257
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,130
That's nice,
that was kind of you.
258
00:09:25,195 --> 00:09:26,365
We'll be right back.
259
00:09:26,430 --> 00:09:27,630
When we come back...
260
00:09:27,698 --> 00:09:30,068
Also, I've never seen you
eat food in your life.
261
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:37,862
We are back with the "Real Ladies
Inside Amy Schumer Reunion."
262
00:09:37,933 --> 00:09:40,433
And we're joined by some
very special guests.
263
00:09:40,502 --> 00:09:42,942
Kevin Kane,
your supervising producer,
264
00:09:43,004 --> 00:09:46,904
and you're also Amy's creative
partner and best friend.
265
00:09:46,975 --> 00:09:48,745
And also you look like
Kurt Russell
266
00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:50,650
if his mom did it
with a Kennedy,
267
00:09:50,712 --> 00:09:52,782
but, like, one
of the Florida Kennedys?
268
00:09:52,848 --> 00:09:54,718
Yeah, I get that a lot.
269
00:09:54,783 --> 00:09:55,883
And Sean Penn.
270
00:09:55,951 --> 00:09:57,921
Uh, Andy C. from Manhattan
271
00:09:57,986 --> 00:10:01,126
writes on this index card
that I'm reading from,
272
00:10:01,189 --> 00:10:03,159
"Why are you
so mean to Amy, Kevin?"
273
00:10:03,225 --> 00:10:06,225
I would say to Andy C's face
274
00:10:06,294 --> 00:10:08,094
that I'm not mean.
275
00:10:08,163 --> 00:10:11,133
I am just an honest person,
and I tell it like it is.
276
00:10:11,199 --> 00:10:13,839
And I know how Kevin treats me
when we're alone
277
00:10:13,902 --> 00:10:16,102
and it's nobody's business.
278
00:10:16,171 --> 00:10:17,171
That's right,
279
00:10:17,239 --> 00:10:18,239
it's nobody's business.
280
00:10:18,306 --> 00:10:19,476
No, we love each other.
281
00:10:19,541 --> 00:10:20,911
I wouldn't say that.
282
00:10:20,976 --> 00:10:24,246
You know, I would say,
like, a moderate like.
283
00:10:24,312 --> 00:10:26,452
Okay, well, let's see
what you did say.
284
00:10:26,515 --> 00:10:27,745
Take a look.
285
00:10:27,816 --> 00:10:29,286
Do we really have
to do this?
286
00:10:29,351 --> 00:10:32,251
Yes, we're not communicating,
we need help.
287
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:33,360
We're not
communicating?
288
00:10:33,421 --> 00:10:35,161
Yeah, we're not
communicating.
289
00:10:35,223 --> 00:10:36,323
I don't even know what
you're saying right now.
290
00:10:36,391 --> 00:10:37,491
What are these, Kevin?
291
00:10:38,593 --> 00:10:39,593
I don't know,
what are those?
292
00:10:39,661 --> 00:10:41,261
They look like
clown panties.
293
00:10:41,329 --> 00:10:43,769
Why are there clown panties
crumpled up in our hallway?
294
00:10:43,832 --> 00:10:44,902
Are those not yours?
295
00:10:44,966 --> 00:10:46,836
I'm gonna pee so
I don't get a UTI again.
296
00:10:46,902 --> 00:10:48,202
Wait.
What?
297
00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:49,200
Risk it.
298
00:10:49,271 --> 00:10:50,571
I had an orgasm,
299
00:10:50,639 --> 00:10:51,839
probably the biggest one
I've ever had in my life.
300
00:10:51,907 --> 00:10:54,377
You Phil?
301
00:10:54,442 --> 00:10:56,542
I didn't,
I didn't even come close.
302
00:10:56,611 --> 00:10:58,111
Nobody touched me.
303
00:10:58,180 --> 00:10:59,650
I went to the bathroom
at one point.
304
00:10:59,714 --> 00:11:00,854
You guys didn't
even realize.
305
00:11:00,916 --> 00:11:02,516
No, it's too late, Phil!
306
00:11:02,584 --> 00:11:04,484
He never has sex with me,
like, at all.
307
00:11:04,553 --> 00:11:05,783
It's because
I don't want to.
308
00:11:05,854 --> 00:11:07,354
And Amy, how does
that make you feel?
309
00:11:07,422 --> 00:11:10,362
That makes me feel
unattractive, Chrissy Teigen.
310
00:11:10,425 --> 00:11:12,465
I definitely don't think
she's protagonist hot.
311
00:11:12,527 --> 00:11:15,167
"Honk, honk," that's the type
of shit you text to a clown
312
00:11:15,230 --> 00:11:16,500
Oh!
you are (bleep)!
313
00:11:16,565 --> 00:11:18,065
I can't believe
you took my phone!
314
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:19,873
You work with someone
at Deloitte & Touché
315
00:11:19,935 --> 00:11:21,205
named Sparkles?
316
00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:23,839
Yes, Sparkles Biederman!
317
00:11:23,905 --> 00:11:25,675
He's been there
for years.
318
00:11:25,740 --> 00:11:26,810
He's Dutch.
319
00:11:26,875 --> 00:11:28,315
Can you smell this?
320
00:11:28,376 --> 00:11:29,816
Ew, no, oh...
Can you smell? Smell.
321
00:11:29,878 --> 00:11:30,878
Oh, my God, no, stop!
322
00:11:30,946 --> 00:11:32,176
I just wish
you hadn't been yelling,
323
00:11:32,247 --> 00:11:34,647
"This feels so right."
324
00:11:34,716 --> 00:11:37,256
How do you know I wasn't
talking about you?
325
00:11:39,621 --> 00:11:42,561
This feels so right
with you, Phil!
326
00:11:42,624 --> 00:11:45,394
Phil, Phil, Phil!
327
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,700
I'm penetrating Phil!
328
00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:50,362
I'm so sorry.
329
00:11:50,432 --> 00:11:51,462
Get out.
330
00:11:51,533 --> 00:11:54,233
I just, I get so scared
of losing you.
331
00:11:54,302 --> 00:11:56,042
I know, I know, I know.
332
00:11:57,139 --> 00:11:59,079
How gross,
it's a dick.
333
00:11:59,141 --> 00:12:00,241
It's Kevin.
334
00:12:01,676 --> 00:12:03,546
Oh, that was hot
as shit.
335
00:12:04,813 --> 00:12:05,843
Hey, Dan Powell.
336
00:12:05,914 --> 00:12:07,114
Hey, Andy.
337
00:12:07,182 --> 00:12:09,752
Executive producer.
I love that tight V.
338
00:12:09,818 --> 00:12:10,948
You're really pulling it off.
339
00:12:11,019 --> 00:12:13,289
Thanks.
You know I like the V.
340
00:12:14,823 --> 00:12:17,263
Dan, your fellow
executive producer
341
00:12:17,325 --> 00:12:19,695
and head writer for the show,
Jessi Klein,
342
00:12:19,761 --> 00:12:23,731
couldn't be here tonight
because she is in prison.
343
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:27,904
On a happier note,
here's someone who could
344
00:12:27,969 --> 00:12:30,239
always bring a smile
to anyone's face,
345
00:12:30,305 --> 00:12:34,815
writer, performer, and producer
in name only, Kyle Dunnigan.
346
00:12:34,876 --> 00:12:36,316
How you doin', Andy?
347
00:12:36,378 --> 00:12:39,718
Kyle, people aren't always
just laughing at you.
348
00:12:39,781 --> 00:12:41,721
Sometimes they're
laughing with you.
349
00:12:41,783 --> 00:12:43,283
Take a look.
350
00:12:43,351 --> 00:12:46,791
I'm gonna be this huge rapper
with lots of money and fame.
351
00:12:46,855 --> 00:12:49,295
And you're, like,
in this bed acting a fool.
352
00:12:49,357 --> 00:12:51,327
I don't think I can do it.
353
00:12:51,393 --> 00:12:53,933
This is a magical story.
354
00:12:56,031 --> 00:12:57,801
Girl...
355
00:13:00,302 --> 00:13:01,472
(bleep) you, Kyle.
356
00:13:01,536 --> 00:13:03,276
Just relax.
357
00:13:06,241 --> 00:13:07,681
Stop trying to make me laugh
with your snorting,
358
00:13:07,742 --> 00:13:08,742
you piece of (bleep).
359
00:13:08,810 --> 00:13:10,450
All right?!
360
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:12,950
I love
the Latina body.
361
00:13:13,014 --> 00:13:16,254
The big ass
and the flat chest.
362
00:13:16,318 --> 00:13:17,318
Bonita.
363
00:13:17,385 --> 00:13:19,985
In your nose.
364
00:13:20,055 --> 00:13:21,795
In your nose.
365
00:13:21,857 --> 00:13:23,797
You'll always be
my little baby, baby girl.
366
00:13:26,228 --> 00:13:28,298
It's (bleep) bullshit.
367
00:13:28,363 --> 00:13:29,463
Coming up next...
368
00:13:29,531 --> 00:13:30,701
You got no class!
369
00:13:30,765 --> 00:13:32,505
I pay my bills.
Clean up on aisle slut!
370
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:33,667
I pay my bills!
371
00:13:33,735 --> 00:13:34,935
You can't pull off
a neck tattoo.
372
00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:36,033
I pay my bills!
373
00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:37,074
You can't pull off
a neck tattoo.
374
00:13:37,139 --> 00:13:38,879
I pay my bills!
375
00:13:38,940 --> 00:13:39,980
Hey, why don't you slip into something
more comfortable? -I pay my bills.
376
00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:41,011
Like a coma.
377
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:44,560
Welcome back
to "Inside Amy Schumer,"
378
00:13:44,629 --> 00:13:47,269
the contractually obligated
clip show.
379
00:13:47,331 --> 00:13:50,731
Wow, it's been a great way
to end the season, Amy.
380
00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,871
Is this the last episode?
I thought we were...
381
00:13:52,937 --> 00:13:54,777
Don't we do 10?
382
00:13:54,839 --> 00:13:57,279
Uh, no, uh,
I guess you wouldn't.
383
00:13:57,341 --> 00:13:59,081
Remember when you said
you'd wanna only do eight
384
00:13:59,143 --> 00:14:00,543
and phone in the ninth,
remember that?
385
00:14:00,611 --> 00:14:01,951
Right.
386
00:14:02,013 --> 00:14:04,213
Anyway, it's sad
to say good-bye, I guess.
387
00:14:04,281 --> 00:14:05,551
But before we go, Amy,
388
00:14:05,616 --> 00:14:07,156
you have some new projects
coming up.
389
00:14:07,218 --> 00:14:08,388
You're keeping busy.
390
00:14:08,452 --> 00:14:10,152
Yes, Andy,
thank you very much.
391
00:14:10,221 --> 00:14:13,561
Um, please sign up for my class
at the Learning Annex.
392
00:14:13,624 --> 00:14:15,764
It's called, "It's Your Pee."
393
00:14:15,826 --> 00:14:17,826
"Make It So."
394
00:14:17,895 --> 00:14:20,565
All right, and I am guest
bartending at McFadden's
395
00:14:20,631 --> 00:14:23,131
both on Tuesdays, Wednesdays,
396
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,400
and they will
add Thursdays
397
00:14:24,468 --> 00:14:26,608
if people turn out
like they keep promising.
398
00:14:26,671 --> 00:14:31,441
Okay, and then also my line,
my makeup, as everyone knows.
399
00:14:31,509 --> 00:14:34,909
It is a non-organic,
um, makeup line.
400
00:14:34,979 --> 00:14:35,979
It's tested on animals.
401
00:14:36,047 --> 00:14:38,317
No, it is not tested
on animals!
402
00:14:38,382 --> 00:14:40,282
No, it is not, it is made...
403
00:14:40,351 --> 00:14:42,151
From animals.
404
00:14:42,219 --> 00:14:44,289
Okay, made from real
animals and then,
405
00:14:44,355 --> 00:14:45,655
and then tested on animals.
406
00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:48,488
And Kevin is coming out
407
00:14:48,559 --> 00:14:52,159
with his own condiment
called Kevin's Condiments.
408
00:14:52,229 --> 00:14:55,499
It's mayo, ketchup, mustard
all in one.
409
00:14:55,566 --> 00:14:57,206
I know, I'm saying it.
410
00:14:57,268 --> 00:15:00,838
Anyway, my makeup line
is called Totally Amy.
411
00:15:00,905 --> 00:15:05,775
And it's all about being real
and keeping it real.
412
00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:08,843
And it is really made
from animals.
413
00:15:08,913 --> 00:15:11,213
Nice.
Are you wearing some now?
414
00:15:11,282 --> 00:15:12,852
No, gross.
415
00:15:12,917 --> 00:15:16,017
Well, Amy you don't just
have a remarkable rapport
416
00:15:16,087 --> 00:15:18,987
with everybody here
except your sister.
417
00:15:19,056 --> 00:15:21,326
You also can talk
to the man on the street.
418
00:15:21,392 --> 00:15:25,332
Let's see what I'm trying to
awkwardly set up, take a look.
419
00:15:25,553 --> 00:15:28,123
I really don't like to dance
out on the street,
420
00:15:28,189 --> 00:15:30,029
but, what?!
421
00:15:30,091 --> 00:15:31,531
What do you call that?
422
00:15:31,592 --> 00:15:33,192
I dropped something.
423
00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:36,029
Do you like when
a girl has an accent?
424
00:15:36,097 --> 00:15:37,967
Yeah.
What about English?
425
00:15:38,032 --> 00:15:39,332
How does that sound?
426
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,970
It sounds like this!
427
00:15:41,035 --> 00:15:42,805
Oh, no,
that's all right.
428
00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:45,710
Have you ever shopped online
when you were drunk or high?
429
00:15:45,773 --> 00:15:48,913
I bought a, um...
430
00:15:48,976 --> 00:15:51,746
a star, like, you name
a star after you?
431
00:15:54,949 --> 00:15:56,519
I'm not joking.
432
00:15:56,584 --> 00:15:58,224
That is the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
433
00:15:58,286 --> 00:15:59,686
It's horrible, right?
434
00:15:59,754 --> 00:16:01,554
I was just saying how glad
I was that I wasn't drunk
435
00:16:01,622 --> 00:16:03,992
doing this interview, but now
I'm, like, I wish I was drunk.
436
00:16:04,058 --> 00:16:05,528
People usually
need a couple drinks
437
00:16:05,593 --> 00:16:07,033
just to get through
a conversation with me.
438
00:16:07,094 --> 00:16:08,234
Are you high?
439
00:16:08,296 --> 00:16:09,426
Yeah, hell, yeah.
440
00:16:09,497 --> 00:16:10,367
Have you ever had
a one-night stand?
441
00:16:14,101 --> 00:16:16,601
Okay, have you ever not
had a one-night stand?
442
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,671
Yes, I have had
a one-night stand.
443
00:16:18,739 --> 00:16:21,209
I had, like,
a one-afternoon stand.
444
00:16:21,275 --> 00:16:23,045
And then I couldn't find
him, but, you know... -Okay.
445
00:16:23,110 --> 00:16:24,680
Yankee Stadium
is so big.
446
00:16:24,745 --> 00:16:26,245
Porn.
Oh, yeah.
447
00:16:26,314 --> 00:16:27,914
I didn't even ask anything.
448
00:16:27,982 --> 00:16:29,422
Don't worry about it,
it's fantastic.
449
00:16:29,484 --> 00:16:31,854
I'm Taurus, so I'm kind
of a sensual lover.
450
00:16:31,919 --> 00:16:33,259
I'm really passionate.
451
00:16:33,321 --> 00:16:35,921
Did you guys just hear that?
My underwear just fell off.
452
00:16:35,990 --> 00:16:38,290
I like a great sense of humor
and, like, some wit
453
00:16:38,359 --> 00:16:40,259
and some intelligence,
I don't know...
454
00:16:40,328 --> 00:16:42,298
Flick your tongue
very quickly.
455
00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:46,703
If he's uncut and the skin
covers the tip of the penis
456
00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:51,207
when he withdraws the penis,
he becomes very sensitive so...
457
00:16:53,808 --> 00:16:55,148
What do you see?
458
00:16:55,209 --> 00:16:56,709
A vagina, maybe.
459
00:16:56,777 --> 00:16:59,247
Come here, come here,
that was right.
460
00:16:59,313 --> 00:17:01,213
Have you ever had
Ambien sex?
461
00:17:01,282 --> 00:17:03,122
Is that with, like,
lights and shit?
462
00:17:03,184 --> 00:17:04,314
I don't remember.
463
00:17:04,385 --> 00:17:05,585
You have to be
real careful
464
00:17:05,653 --> 00:17:07,223
not to do drugs
and black out
465
00:17:07,288 --> 00:17:12,098
'cause you could wind up with
your own mother(bleep) TV show!
466
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,490
When we come back...
467
00:17:13,561 --> 00:17:15,831
Gucci, you're a writer
and producer on the show.
468
00:17:15,897 --> 00:17:16,967
They all are.
469
00:17:17,031 --> 00:17:19,271
Gucci's the head writer,
though.
470
00:17:19,333 --> 00:17:21,073
Yes, you were the head writer.
471
00:17:24,008 --> 00:17:26,922
Okay, here's something
we hastily edited.
472
00:17:27,271 --> 00:17:28,811
Cece,
you're six years old.
473
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,443
Yes.
Let's talk about it.
474
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:31,778
How would you
describe your style?
475
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,782
Sometimes when I have
to go to special places,
476
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,185
I have to wear dresses.
477
00:17:36,247 --> 00:17:37,817
But I don't wear them
very often.
478
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:40,452
I had to do it when
I went to this wedding.
479
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:41,688
You had to wear a dress?
480
00:17:41,752 --> 00:17:43,552
Yes, I did not like it.
481
00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:45,461
What... you don't feel
like yourself in it?
482
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:48,093
I don't like doing it
because...
483
00:17:48,159 --> 00:17:51,199
you always trip in them
sometimes when you run.
484
00:17:51,262 --> 00:17:53,732
And I have to run
a lap every day,
485
00:17:53,798 --> 00:17:56,898
and I also don't
like skirts.
486
00:17:56,967 --> 00:18:02,477
I heard that you changed
how they're running Legos.
487
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,910
Mm, maybe.
488
00:18:03,974 --> 00:18:07,074
You didn't like that the girl
Legos didn't do any actions.
489
00:18:07,144 --> 00:18:09,084
And so you would take
the heads off the girls
490
00:18:09,146 --> 00:18:10,686
and you would put them
on the guys' bodies.
491
00:18:10,748 --> 00:18:12,548
Uh, yes.
492
00:18:12,616 --> 00:18:14,516
And I heard that
you wrote a letter,
493
00:18:14,585 --> 00:18:16,225
and that they changed
and made it
494
00:18:16,287 --> 00:18:18,827
so that the girl
Legos do things.
495
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:19,989
Yes, I think so.
496
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:21,227
That's pretty cool.
497
00:18:21,292 --> 00:18:22,732
Do you know that
you're super cool?
498
00:18:22,793 --> 00:18:23,933
No.
499
00:18:23,994 --> 00:18:26,094
Well, I'm telling you,
it's a fact.
500
00:18:28,757 --> 00:18:32,992
We are back with "The Real Ladies
of Inside Amy Schumer Reunion."
501
00:18:33,063 --> 00:18:34,833
Kim, how does it feel to see
your sister again?
502
00:18:34,898 --> 00:18:35,968
Is it weird?
503
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,306
No.
504
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:43,541
Amy, weird for you?
505
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,181
No.
506
00:18:49,245 --> 00:18:50,745
Well, can you
at least explain
507
00:18:50,814 --> 00:18:52,244
what happened between
the two of you?
508
00:18:52,315 --> 00:18:54,055
You used to be so close.
509
00:18:56,019 --> 00:18:57,019
What's up?
510
00:18:57,087 --> 00:18:58,757
That guy Bobby
just text me.
511
00:18:58,822 --> 00:18:59,952
The one who wouldn't
hook up with you
512
00:19:00,023 --> 00:19:01,193
'cause he said
you look like his mom?
513
00:19:01,257 --> 00:19:02,427
No-no-no,
Bobby's the one
514
00:19:02,492 --> 00:19:04,162
I like really, really,
really, really like.
515
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,827
What should I do?
Just be yourself.
516
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:06,865
All right, love you.
517
00:19:06,930 --> 00:19:08,370
Hello?
518
00:19:08,431 --> 00:19:10,701
Did Bobby Skeltis ever end up
letting you have sex with him?
519
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:12,107
Why? No.
520
00:19:12,168 --> 00:19:13,238
Laura just told me
he has herpes.
521
00:19:13,303 --> 00:19:14,573
Oh.
522
00:19:14,637 --> 00:19:17,037
Oh, I have to jump,
my husband just drew me a bath.
523
00:19:17,107 --> 00:19:19,107
Okay, love you,
bye... hello?
524
00:19:19,175 --> 00:19:20,275
Kimberly!
525
00:19:20,343 --> 00:19:21,843
Did you let me order
a Russian Muppet
526
00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:23,011
when I was on Ambien?
527
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:24,149
Yeah, remember you said
528
00:19:24,214 --> 00:19:25,444
you wanted to get
your dick wet
529
00:19:25,515 --> 00:19:26,955
but you're too famous
for Tinder now.
530
00:19:27,016 --> 00:19:28,086
What should I do?
531
00:19:28,151 --> 00:19:29,891
Uh, I, I don't know.
Look, I have to go.
532
00:19:29,953 --> 00:19:31,183
We're cuddling
and watching "Splash."
533
00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:32,354
Ooh, "Splash."
534
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:33,592
What channel?
535
00:19:33,656 --> 00:19:35,396
Hello?
536
00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:42,736
I miss you so much.
537
00:19:42,799 --> 00:19:44,799
I miss you so much.
538
00:19:44,868 --> 00:19:45,798
My whole family.
539
00:19:51,508 --> 00:19:53,608
I miss you so much.
I love you.
540
00:19:53,676 --> 00:19:54,746
Come here.
541
00:19:54,811 --> 00:19:55,981
I miss you the most.
Come here.
542
00:19:56,046 --> 00:19:57,176
Come here.
543
00:19:57,247 --> 00:19:59,147
It's so good to see
you two make up.
544
00:19:59,215 --> 00:20:02,485
Wow, I think we worked through
some drama here tonight.
545
00:20:02,552 --> 00:20:04,422
Ladies, thank you so much.
546
00:20:04,487 --> 00:20:07,087
And thank you to everyone
watching at home or...
547
00:20:07,157 --> 00:20:08,587
Who are we kidding?
On your phone
548
00:20:08,658 --> 00:20:10,758
while you're hiding in
the bathroom from your families.
549
00:20:10,827 --> 00:20:12,627
Have a great night.
Thanks.
550
00:20:12,696 --> 00:20:14,226
Come here, come here.
551
00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:15,297
I love you.
552
00:20:15,365 --> 00:20:16,435
Thank you, ladies.
553
00:20:16,499 --> 00:20:18,169
We love you, Andy.
Thank you, ladies.
554
00:20:18,234 --> 00:20:19,274
Thank you.
555
00:20:19,335 --> 00:20:20,835
Andy,
would you ever?
556
00:20:20,904 --> 00:20:21,904
No.
Okay.
557
00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,011
As far as just...
No.
558
00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:27,782
I'll give you a transition.
559
00:20:27,844 --> 00:20:30,144
Okay, I wanna
change gears.
560
00:20:30,213 --> 00:20:31,813
That's a classic.
561
00:20:34,417 --> 00:20:36,787
Why don't you put it
in your food blog?
562
00:20:36,853 --> 00:20:38,093
And then everyone
can read about it.
563
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,594
You know what? I will,
thank you for that idea.
564
00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:42,126
Thank you for that idea.
Thank you 'cause I will.
565
00:20:42,192 --> 00:20:43,422
Okay, I will.
Yeah.
566
00:20:46,930 --> 00:20:48,630
Congratulations
on your food blog.
567
00:20:48,698 --> 00:20:50,968
Thank you, I worked really
hard on it, so thank you.
568
00:20:51,034 --> 00:20:53,674
Then maybe you don't
exploit your friendships
569
00:20:53,737 --> 00:20:55,637
and your family!
570
00:20:55,705 --> 00:20:57,145
So easy.
571
00:20:57,207 --> 00:20:58,277
Mmm, magic.
572
00:20:58,327 --> 00:21:02,877
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